Relationships and aspergers

Asperger's and Adult Relationships: Dating, Romance, Tips

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a complex neurodevelopmental condition that can affect many aspects of someone’s life, including the way they think, learn, and behave. People on the spectrum often struggle with social and communication skills, which can make it difficult for them to form and maintain relationships in adulthood.

Autistic people can and do have happy, healthy romantic relationships – with neurotypical and neurodivergent partners – but there can be some unique challenges.

Keep reading to learn more about how ASD can impact relationships and how you can manage these issues in your own life.

Asperger’s syndrome was once classified as a unique condition separate from autism but within the same family of neurodevelopmental conditions.

In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association eliminated Asperger’s as a diagnosis in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5). ” It classified it under the umbrella term “autism spectrum disorder (ASD)” instead.

Asperger’s joined several other conditions, including Rett syndrome, as a part of ASD.

ASD is not common. Experts believe around 1% of the general population are autistic. It’s important to point out, though, that the actual numbers could be higher. A number of autistic people likely do not have an official diagnosis, especially women and older adults.

Older autistic adults may not have been screened for the condition when they were younger despite showing signs of it. And autistic girls sometimes have less obvious or atypical signs.

Males are much more likely to be diagnosed with ASD than females, at a ratio of 3-to-1. And ASD is more often diagnosed in non-Hispanic white children than in children of other races and ethnicities.

People with Asperger’s often need minimal support compared with some other autistic people.

For example, some autistic people have higher impairment in social and communication skills and high engagement in repetitive or restrictive behaviors.

Asperger’s can also cause these effects, but to a lesser degree.

ASD causes a diverse set of signs and symptoms. The most common signs of Asperger’s in adults are:

formal speech patterns
average to above average vocabulary
average to above average intelligence
focused interest in one particular subject
ability to talk for long periods of time about their interest, often in a one-sided conversation
strict routines or rituals
difficulty acclimating to changes in routine
needing long periods of alone time
peculiarities in speech and language
inability to engage socially with peers
disinterest in social interactions because of difficulties with small talk
problems with nonspeaking communications
uncoordinated movements that may seem clumsy
sensory issues, such as sensitivity to light, smell, or touch

Many autistic adults are able to successfully hold jobs and live independent lives with minimal support. They can also develop close personal relationships that lead to marriages and families.

It’s entirely possible for autistic people to have intimate relationships, whether they’re platonic or romantic. But ASD may present particular challenges for couples and friends.

Autistic people may face social and communication differences throughout the continuum of relationships, from acquaintances to intimate partners. Because of this, they may have less experience forming close relationships.

This can make each stage of a relationship a new challenge, but it doesn’t mean autistic people won’t succeed.

Here is a look at the particular ways ASD might affect relationships.

Communication

Autistic people can experience several types of communication differences. They may have difficulties understanding what other people are thinking or the meaning behind their words. Autistic people may not read nonspeaking cues well. This includes facial expressions and vocal intonations.

Verbally expressing themselves may be difficult, too. For example, an autistic person may say something unintentionally hurtful and have trouble understanding why someone would react negatively.

But communication issues go two ways. In fact, in one 2018 study, autistic people reported difficulty understanding what their loved ones were thinking — but close friends and family also reported difficulty understanding what their autistic loved one was thinking.

Taken together, these issues can make communication hard. It may mean both people feel shut out of understanding what the other is thinking or doing. This can slow or stop the development of close relationships.

If not addressed, it can make important relationship aspects, like empathy and trust, difficult to build and maintain.

Interests

Autistic people often develop focused interests. They may turn to this interest as a way to cope with challenges or issues at home, work, or school. For their partner, they may consider this as avoidance behavior, and it can be difficult for them to navigate.

It can also be difficult for a partner or friends and family to understand their loved one’s focused interest.

Affection

Autistic adults may have difficulty understanding and reciprocating signs of affection. These expressions of love may be confusing and overwhelming to them if they do not naturally think to initiate them.

Some autistic people are also asexual or aromantic and seek partners with similar preferences.

Touch avoidance commonly occurs in ASD. Autistic people can have sensitivities to touch, which can make something like hugs or kisses unappealing to them. Unwanted affection may make them uncomfortable, or even angry.

However, autistic people can also be on the other end of the affection continuum. They may show great intensity with affection. Some potential partners may feel overwhelmed by this, especially if they don’t understand it.

As a happy medium, a couple can work together to find expressions of affection that fulfill what each partner wants and needs.

On dating apps, some autistic people choose to include that they’re asexual or aromantic in their bios to inform potential partners of their preferences.

Sexual activity

The spectrum of interest in sexual activity varies broadly for autistic people, just like it does among the general population.

Some autistic adults have sensory issues that make the physical aspects of sex uncomfortable. Others may not experience the emotional connections that make sex a cornerstone of many romantic relationships. Therefore, they may struggle to gauge their partner’s interests and needs.

Other people on the spectrum experience higher than average levels of sexual desire and activity. Research on “high-functioning” autistic people found that autistic males spent more time masturbating and fantasizing than males without autism. Although the sample was relatively small, the study also showed greater interest in voyeurism, masochism, and sadism among the autistic participants.

Research has found that autistic people have less sexual knowledge than the general population and that they are more likely to learn about sex from non-social sources, like pornography. Autistic people of all genders are also at increased risk of sexual victimization, including sexual coercion.

Social life

Personal relationships of all kinds may be challenging for autistic people. Small talk may be unappealing to them, and conversations may cause a lot of anxiety. This can make it hard to make friends and start a romantic relationship.

Many autistic people enjoy solitude over socializing. However, this can prevent them from establishing and practicing social and communication skills.

Parenting

Autistic parents can have great relationships with their children. For example, they may engage with them on a creative level and encourage them to explore their interests.

Some autistic parents may encounter difficulties with certain aspects of parenting. This can include discipline and empathy.

Other autistic parents may not be able to provide the emotional element of parenting. They may struggle with signs of affection like hugs and have difficulty comforting a child.

It’s possible for autistic people to have healthy and happy relationships, just like any other person.

All relationships take work and effort. Relationships between neurodiverse and neurotypical people, or relationships between two neurodiverse people, are no different.

Consider these strategies for managing any issues in a neurodiverse partnership:

Be intentional: For neurotypical couples, communication exists in many forms: verbal, written, emotional, nonspeaking, etc. Autistic people may not be able to interpret or use all of these. Instead, both partners can aim to be as direct and clear in their communications as possible. Leave nothing as a hint or suggestion.
Set clear rules: This is especially important for parenting, where you both need to present a united front. You can also discuss each other’s strengths and opportunities, and divide tasks based on them. For example, perhaps the nonautistic parent takes charge of disciplining your children.
Consider therapy: Individual therapy can be helpful for both partners. You can consider couples therapy, too. While therapy is not an immediate “fix,” it’s a wonderful opportunity for people to learn ways to communicate and cope with challenges in their relationships.

It can be a challenge for autistic people to cope with their nonautistic partner’s expectations and demands. It can be just as challenging for a nonautistic person to cope with their neurodiverse partner’s expectations and demands, too.

Here are a few tips for nonautistic partners:

Learn about ASD: ASD is a neurodevelopmental condition. That means it fundamentally affects the way a person perceives, engages with, and responds to the people and world around them. Understanding how ASD impacts a person’s thoughts and behaviors can help you better navigate daily life.
Delegate tasks: Autistic people may have a hard time with executive functions like planning and organizing. This leaves these important tasks up to the nonautistic partner. But it’s possible for the autistic partner to take on certain tasks in other areas of the home, such as homework with kids or walking and caring for pets.
Seek support: Whether you’re newly in a relationship with a neurodiverse person or you’ve been married for several years, it’s a good idea to seek knowledgeable professionals and individuals in similar situations. This can include working with a therapist who has experience in neurodiverse couples or turning to online support groups.
Find outside fulfillment: It’s possible to find personal fulfillment outside your relationship with your partner. In fact, it can be healthy. Consider ways to connect with friends and your community. Look into classes for things that interest you, or practice some self-care.
Remember the positives: You likely fell in love with your partner for very specific reasons. And despite the challenges, remembering the things you love about your partner and about the two of you together can help boost your self-esteem and reengage your dedication to the relationship.

It’s definitely possible for autistic people to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. These can be personal friendships as well as romantic partnerships.

As with any relationship, neurodiverse couples will likely face issues. Communication is a big area of concern that often requires work and patience.

Other issues may arise with elements of intimacy, socializing, and parenting. ASD creates a set of unique challenges for people in relationships. But with effort and attention, they can be overcome.

Asperger's and Adult Relationships: Dating, Romance, Tips

Autistic people can and do have happy, healthy romantic relationships – with neurotypical and neurodivergent partners – but there can be some unique challenges.

Keep reading to learn more about how ASD can impact relationships and how you can manage these issues in your own life.

Asperger’s syndrome was once classified as a unique condition separate from autism but within the same family of neurodevelopmental conditions.

Asperger’s joined several other conditions, including Rett syndrome, as a part of ASD.

Older autistic adults may not have been screened for the condition when they were younger despite showing signs of it. And autistic girls sometimes have less obvious or atypical signs.

Males are much more likely to be diagnosed with ASD than females, at a ratio of 3-to-1. And ASD is more often diagnosed in non-Hispanic white children than in children of other races and ethnicities.

People with Asperger’s often need minimal support compared with some other autistic people.

For example, some autistic people have higher impairment in social and communication skills and high engagement in repetitive or restrictive behaviors.

Asperger’s can also cause these effects, but to a lesser degree.

ASD causes a diverse set of signs and symptoms. The most common signs of Asperger’s in adults are:

formal speech patterns
average to above average vocabulary
average to above average intelligence
focused interest in one particular subject
ability to talk for long periods of time about their interest, often in a one-sided conversation
strict routines or rituals
difficulty acclimating to changes in routine
needing long periods of alone time
peculiarities in speech and language
inability to engage socially with peers
disinterest in social interactions because of difficulties with small talk
problems with nonspeaking communications
uncoordinated movements that may seem clumsy
sensory issues, such as sensitivity to light, smell, or touch

Many autistic adults are able to successfully hold jobs and live independent lives with minimal support. They can also develop close personal relationships that lead to marriages and families.

It’s entirely possible for autistic people to have intimate relationships, whether they’re platonic or romantic. But ASD may present particular challenges for couples and friends.

This can make each stage of a relationship a new challenge, but it doesn’t mean autistic people won’t succeed.

Here is a look at the particular ways ASD might affect relationships.

Communication

Verbally expressing themselves may be difficult, too. For example, an autistic person may say something unintentionally hurtful and have trouble understanding why someone would react negatively.

If not addressed, it can make important relationship aspects, like empathy and trust, difficult to build and maintain.

Interests

It can also be difficult for a partner or friends and family to understand their loved one’s focused interest.

Affection

Some autistic people are also asexual or aromantic and seek partners with similar preferences.

As a happy medium, a couple can work together to find expressions of affection that fulfill what each partner wants and needs.

On dating apps, some autistic people choose to include that they’re asexual or aromantic in their bios to inform potential partners of their preferences.

Sexual activity

The spectrum of interest in sexual activity varies broadly for autistic people, just like it does among the general population.

Social life

Many autistic people enjoy solitude over socializing. However, this can prevent them from establishing and practicing social and communication skills.

Parenting

Autistic parents can have great relationships with their children. For example, they may engage with them on a creative level and encourage them to explore their interests.

Some autistic parents may encounter difficulties with certain aspects of parenting. This can include discipline and empathy.

Other autistic parents may not be able to provide the emotional element of parenting. They may struggle with signs of affection like hugs and have difficulty comforting a child.

It’s possible for autistic people to have healthy and happy relationships, just like any other person.

All relationships take work and effort. Relationships between neurodiverse and neurotypical people, or relationships between two neurodiverse people, are no different.

Consider these strategies for managing any issues in a neurodiverse partnership:

Be intentional: For neurotypical couples, communication exists in many forms: verbal, written, emotional, nonspeaking, etc. Autistic people may not be able to interpret or use all of these. Instead, both partners can aim to be as direct and clear in their communications as possible. Leave nothing as a hint or suggestion.
Set clear rules: This is especially important for parenting, where you both need to present a united front. You can also discuss each other’s strengths and opportunities, and divide tasks based on them. For example, perhaps the nonautistic parent takes charge of disciplining your children.
Consider therapy: Individual therapy can be helpful for both partners. You can consider couples therapy, too. While therapy is not an immediate “fix,” it’s a wonderful opportunity for people to learn ways to communicate and cope with challenges in their relationships.

Here are a few tips for nonautistic partners:

Learn about ASD: ASD is a neurodevelopmental condition. That means it fundamentally affects the way a person perceives, engages with, and responds to the people and world around them. Understanding how ASD impacts a person’s thoughts and behaviors can help you better navigate daily life.
Delegate tasks: Autistic people may have a hard time with executive functions like planning and organizing. This leaves these important tasks up to the nonautistic partner. But it’s possible for the autistic partner to take on certain tasks in other areas of the home, such as homework with kids or walking and caring for pets.
Seek support: Whether you’re newly in a relationship with a neurodiverse person or you’ve been married for several years, it’s a good idea to seek knowledgeable professionals and individuals in similar situations. This can include working with a therapist who has experience in neurodiverse couples or turning to online support groups.
Find outside fulfillment: It’s possible to find personal fulfillment outside your relationship with your partner. In fact, it can be healthy. Consider ways to connect with friends and your community. Look into classes for things that interest you, or practice some self-care.
Remember the positives: You likely fell in love with your partner for very specific reasons. And despite the challenges, remembering the things you love about your partner and about the two of you together can help boost your self-esteem and reengage your dedication to the relationship.

It’s definitely possible for autistic people to have healthy, fulfilling relationships. These can be personal friendships as well as romantic partnerships.

As with any relationship, neurodiverse couples will likely face issues. Communication is a big area of concern that often requires work and patience.

Other issues may arise with elements of intimacy, socializing, and parenting. ASD creates a set of unique challenges for people in relationships. But with effort and attention, they can be overcome.

How can romantic relationships develop in young people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism?

04/19/14

Clinical psychologist, specializing in Asperger syndrome, about the features of romantic and intimate relationships in adults with RAS

Author: Tony Etwood / Tony Attwood
Translation: Tamara Solomatina
9000 9000 9000 9000 9000 Autism Network

While young people with classic autism usually suffice with a solitary “hermit” lifestyle, people with Asperger's syndrome and high-functioning autism often do not. Clinical studies have shown that most of these adolescents and young adults are interested in romantic relationships. However, very little research addresses this aspect of autism spectrum disorders or strategies for successfully developing these relationships.

We know that young people with Asperger's have significant difficulty developing relationships with peers and understanding what the other person may be thinking or feeling. Ordinary children learn this naturally and practice the skills to develop relationships with family members and friends long before they use these abilities to successfully develop romantic relationships. Young people diagnosed with Asperger's and high-functioning autism have limited communication skills and may find it difficult to express emotions, especially affection. They may also have very high sensitivity to certain sensory experiences. All of these diagnostic characteristics affect relationship-forming skills as the child grows and will ultimately reduce the adult's chances of a successful long-term relationship.

Love and affection

People with autism spectrum disorders have difficulty understanding and expressing emotions, and the most difficult emotion for such people is love. Ordinary children and adults often express their affection with pleasure, know how to express it to exchange mutual feelings of affection and love, and know how to support someone through the expression of affection. A child or adult with autism may not need the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through actions, or may not realize that the situation requires them to display their affection in a way that would please the other person. He or she may be annoyed by how "obsessed" other people are with expressing love for each other.

Some autistics may be obviously immature in their expressions of affection and sometimes perceive them as a negative experience. For example, a hug may feel uncomfortable and limit movement. A person may become embarrassed or overwhelmed when expected to express and accept fairly moderate expressions of love. I recently developed a cognitive behavioral therapy program for children and adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome that teaches them about the emotion of love and how to express that you love or feel sympathy for someone. The program will soon be evaluated in a study conducted by the University of Queensland in Australia.

Special interests

One of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger's syndrome is the development of a special interest that is unusual in its object and significance. For adolescents and young adults, the target is sometimes a person, which can be interpreted as a typical teenage crush, but the degree of interest and associated behavior often lead to accusations of stalking and harassment. The propensity to develop a special interest can also influence the emergence of relationship knowledge in other ways. Special interests help people with Asperger's in many ways, including acquiring the knowledge to understand the annoying aspects of their life experiences. Adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome often seek to understand and experience in terms of communication and relationships, including romantic and sexual ones, the same as their peers, but they may have problems with sources of information about relationships and sexuality.

A teenager with Asperger's syndrome has few or no friends with whom to discuss topics such as romantic or sexual feelings and sexual behavior. Unfortunately, the only source of information for teens with Asperger's can be either porn movies for boys or soap operas for girls. A person with Asperger's Syndrome may decide that the actions shown in pornographic material can serve as a "script" of what to say or do on a date, but this misunderstanding can lead to allegations of harassment. Such allegations are more often related to inappropriate behavior than to violent or aggressive acts of a sexual nature. Girls with Asperger's Syndrome may use movies and TV shows as a source of knowledge about relationships and fail to recognize that TV shows do not accurately reflect the beginning and development of relationships in real life.

Clinical studies show that unpopular girls with Asperger's syndrome, who are not accepted into any company, after the physical changes that occurred during puberty, are flattered by the attention from boys. Because of her naivety, the girl may not realize that their interest is sexual in nature, and not at all a desire to simply communicate with her and spend time in her company. She may not have female friends to take her on a first date or give her advice on social and sexual rules. Her parents may have strong concerns about her vulnerability to negative sexual experiences and possible date rape.

Long-term relationship

There is a transition from acquaintance to partnership in the relationship. Individuals with Asperger's may find it difficult to cope with each step of this transition. To move from friend to partner status, a teenager or young person with Asperger's needs to understand the art of flirting in order to accurately read the signals of mutual sympathy and not get lost during dates. People with Asperger's do not understand this intuitively. These teens and young adults often ask me, “How can I find a boyfriend/girlfriend?” And this question is not easy to answer. One of the difficulties can be the correct interpretation of someone's intentions. A simple expression of kindness or sympathy can be taken much more seriously than intended. I have had to explain to men with Asperger's that the smile and attention from female flight attendants are just courtesies, not a desire to start a relationship.

Despite the relationship problems that most people with Asperger's have, some can develop relationships and form romantic and intimate relationships, even marriage. To achieve this level of relationship, partners need to initially notice the attractive qualities of each other. What is so attractive about a young person with Asperger's Syndrome?

Attractive qualities of people with Asperger's syndrome

Men with Asperger's syndrome may have a wide range of qualities that are attractive to a future partner. When I counsel couples in which one or both partners have characteristics or a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, I often ask the neurotypical partner, "What qualities did your partner draw you to when you first met?" Many women describe that a partner with Asperger's syndrome initially impressed them as kind, considerate, but socially or emotionally immature. The term "silent handsome stranger" is often used to describe anyone who seems relatively quiet and likeable. Appearance and attention can become very important, especially if a woman has doubts about her own self-esteem and physical attractiveness. Lack of social and conversational skills lead to the formation of the image of the "mysterious stranger", whose naivety and immaturity the partner can compensate for by becoming an expert in empathy, socialization and communication.

I have noticed that the partners of many men and sometimes women with Asperger's are on the other end of the social and empathic spectrum. On an intuitive level, they are experts in the "model of the mental" (understanding someone else's consciousness), that is, they understand and sympathize with the experiences of other people. They have the gift of seeing the world as it appears to people with Asperger's to a much greater extent than people with average empathy. Being understanding and sympathetic, they help their partner cope with difficulties in social situations. Undoubtedly, adults with Asperger's Syndrome need these traits and want to see them in a potential partner. He or she will actively seek out someone with intuitive social skills, someone who will explain social situations to them, educate them, and care for them. However, while a socially gifted and empathetic partner may be able to understand the experiences of a person with Asperger's Syndrome, that person will have significant difficulty understanding their neurotypical partner.

Intellectual abilities, one's own career, and increased attention to one's partner during courtship can make a person with Asperger's syndrome more attractive. Sometimes, however, this attentiveness can be perceived by others as excessive, and words and actions will seem as if they were memorized from Hollywood romantic films. A person can be admired for his straightforwardness, even if his comments hurt other people, because of his strong desire for social justice and clear moral principles. The fact that he may not be "macho" at all or not eager to spend time with other men at sports matches can also be very attractive in the eyes of some women. And the fact that a person with Asperger's syndrome entered into a relationship quite late can also be a plus. He may not have the "baggage" of previous relationships. I have also heard many women say that a partner with Asperger's Syndrome reminds them of their father. The fact that they grew up with a parent with Asperger's traits may also have influenced their choice of partner in adulthood.

What traits do men find attractive in women with Asperger's syndrome? They may be similar to what women find attractive in men with Asperger's, especially the degree to which they are attentive. The social immaturity of a woman can attract men who are prone to guardianship and compassion. They may admire her beauty or her talents and abilities. Unfortunately, women (and sometimes men) with Asperger's have a hard time assessing a person's character and knowing when a relationship becomes "dangerous." Such women often have low self-esteem, which affects their choice of a partner for a relationship. They may become victims of various forms of violence. As one woman with Asperger's syndrome explained to me, "I had low expectations and as a result I was drawn to violent people."

Strategies to Improve Relationship Skills

People with Asperger's will need help developing relationships at every stage, and possibly throughout their lives. Younger children will need the help of a speech therapist to improve their conversational skills, and an educator or psychologist will help with friendship skills during their school years. Developing these skills should be a priority for an educational institution supporting a child with Asperger's Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism, as positive friendship experiences will increase self-esteem, help avoid bullying from classmates, lay the foundation for developing friendships in the future, and improve teamwork abilities. for more successful employment.

Adolescents will need truthful information about attractiveness, courtship and sexuality. While such information is readily available to typical adolescents (most often from parents, friends, and personal experiences), adolescents with Asperger's Syndrome may have difficulty obtaining it. Lack of peer help, adult information and practice will hinder the acquisition of relationship development skills. Fortunately, we now have special relationship and sexuality education programs designed specifically for teens and young people with Asperger's Syndrome that include the opportunity to get advice from a peer with the same syndrome. Several doctors and therapists in Australia are developing relationship skills training materials for adolescents and young people with Asperger's Syndrome. Such training will include everything from dating rules and a sense of style to ways to recognize and avoid dangerous partners. A valuable strategy here can be to meet socially receptive friends or relatives with a potential partner to determine if they are a good person before starting a relationship.

Young people will need support and opportunities to meet new people. Here you can offer to do something or join an interest group related to their own special passion, for example, take part in Star Trek or Doctor Who fan meetings, or apply their talents, say, to taking care of animals. and join an animal welfare group. There are also opportunities to make new friends at community events, such as a local choir or adult education courses. Local support groups for parents of children with Asperger's have also established support groups for young people with Asperger's. In this case, specialists can come to the group and hold a group discussion or give advice. Such groups can provide an opportunity for the development of relationships between members of the group. The relationship between Jerry and Mary, two people with Asperger's who met at a support group in Los Angeles, has been the subject of a book and film (Crazy in Love). Some people with Asperger's Syndrome use the Internet and dating agencies to get to know someone, but this method of dating can also be used by dangerous partners, so you need to take into account the high risk when using this dating strategy.

I have noticed that adults who had prominent signs of autism in childhood (significant language delay, learning difficulties, avoidance of social situations) but progressed to high-functioning autism later in life have much less desire to develop long-term relationships. Most likely, they will be content with loneliness and will not maintain sexual relations, preferring superficial acquaintances to friendship. A sense of self-identity and self-worth in such people is achieved through a successful career and an independent life. Temple Grandin is a good example of this. Some adults with Asperger's also choose not to form close relationships for reasons that seem logical given the traits associated with the syndrome.

Jennifer explains her decision: “How can I live in the same house with a person who can touch my collection of model airplanes?” And so: "Airplane models do not want to be designed by someone else, even if it is more attractive or less dependent." However, she is quite satisfied with her life. She says, "I can assure you that falling in love and special interests are about the same feeling." For some people with Asperger's or high-functioning autism, giving up romantic relationships may be the right choice if they enjoy and fully devote themselves to their special interests, such as wildlife photography or a career in information technology. They don't fit the cultural mold that marriage and long-term relationships are the only way to achieve happiness.

Future Research Perspectives

We know that people with Asperger's have significant difficulties developing relationships, but there is not enough research to provide us with qualitative and quantitative data about their relationship abilities, circumstances, and experiences. A study has recently been published on the ability to maintain friendships in children with Asperger's syndrome, but there is very little research on adolescent relationships and sexuality. Dr. Isabelle Henault of Montreal is conducting a study with me on the sexual profile of people with Asperger's syndrome, and preliminary results show that this profile differs from that of ordinary people due to less sexual experience, although they develop sexual interest in the same period, which and their adolescent peers. They may also have a more relaxed attitude towards sexual diversity, such as homosexuality and bisexuality, and a rich sexual fantasy. They may be less concerned about the partner's age and cultural differences. However, further research is needed, and the Autism Interactive Network database may be useful in providing information on the romantic relationships of adolescents and young adults with Asperger's and high-functioning autism.

Thanks to Tamara Solomatina for the translation.

Adult autism, Asperger's Syndrome, Social skills

All my life it was difficult to communicate with people, but it turned out that I have Asperger's syndrome

Anna has been working as a librarian for many years, lives in her small apartment with two sick cats - she is one of them caught in the river. Anna loves animals and people, someone always lives in her house: either hippies or unrecognized street musicians, or poor students who have come to the big city to study.

Give me words!

– With age, I have a clear feeling that all people know something that I don’t know, and they can’t explain it to me because it’s like walking or breathing – how can you explain it? For example, it would be difficult to explain to a rational creature that has no legs, but only fins, how it is to walk, or to explain to the inhabitant of the sea how to breathe air . .. This is intuitively clear to everyone, but it seems incomprehensible to me. For most people it's like breathing, but for me it's like playing the piano.

How was it as a child? For example, I read in a book that D’Artagnan called out to some musketeer, and I don’t understand exactly how he called out to him, with what words. Or: "She thanked him for his help." How?! Give me words! That is, the absence of words does not interfere with my reading, but in a live conversation it does. Or I read a dialogue from which I understand that if they tell me this, I will answer like this. But will they say exactly what is written in the book to my remark in life? Is not a fact. And I had to juggle a huge number of blanks! And it happened that I stupidly repeated what people already said or did in front of me.

I could, not really understanding which facial expression corresponds to which situation, just in case, copy the expression on my grandmother's face, but it turned out to be inappropriate. What caused the angry reaction of the same grandmother - there is nothing, for example, to smirk when everything is serious.

Or, in early childhood, when I heard my grandmother complaining about feeling unwell, without any ulterior motive, I said: “Nothing hurts you!” They tried to explain to me that they don’t answer like this in these cases, and I realized that I had blurted out something wrong, but I didn’t understand why. I thought that if they tell me when I get a bruise, “nothing, it will pass!”, And I can do it, because I wanted to say that everything is not so bad, I wanted to cheer up my grandmother.

In the second grade I met a girl, we somehow mutually decided that we would be friends. That is, she says: "Let's be friends!" And I began to think about how she imagines friendship, because I already began to understand that there is some difference between what I read in books and what happens in real life. And I feel that I can’t formulate it normally, but I have to ask . .. and I ask: “What do you need from me?” She: "What-oh-oh?!" Then I realized that I had said the wrong thing ... but for a very long time I did not understand what exactly was “wrong”.

And so it was with the class teacher and teachers.

I had friends: I always found someone who communicated with me individually more or less normally, and hid behind him. At the university I met a young man - we got married, and a few years later we divorced. I remember that in my student period, when we moved from the building of one faculty to the building of another, out of fear I clutched at him with a stranglehold, probably even hurt him. This is because from the space I mastered, where I feel entitled to be, I know people and things and count on support, I had to move to an alien, unknown to me personally space, where I don’t know what to expect from others, and therefore it’s scary.

In every new place, in every new team, at first I am afraid that something will happen that I will not be able to cope with. I didn't know how to talk to people, I didn't know how they would react to my words. Perhaps, because of my peculiarities, someone had conflicts with me that I did not notice.

I can miss the moment to say hello, but say "Hello!" after two or three phrases already spoken in the dialogue, it is somehow strange.

Quite often I use mnemonic techniques related to memorization. Still, I have a university behind me: there, like it or not, you learn all sorts of mnemonic techniques. Another feature is that I quickly get tired of actions consisting of more than one step.

In the area of relationships, I always need specific, single examples, samples: I focus on them. And if I need to quickly sketch out a memo, for example, when working with a literary text, then I can draw it ... For example, during testing, when I was asked to remember a number of abstract concepts, I designated situations from my favorite books that illustrate those or other relationships. For example, for “friendship”, I had Maedhros and Fingon drawn in the episode where one takes the other off a cliff (talking about the characters of J. R. R. Tolkien’s book “The Silmarillion” - I. L.)

After my grandmother died, I moved into her apartment. Someone always lived with me: girlfriends, acquaintances of girlfriends, and it was good, a certain community was taking shape, and I felt that this suited me more than a family. And when I lived alone, I found that I was not able to go around the house.

Relatives don't know about my syndrome

Once I was sitting and chatting about my difficulties with a friend who has a degree in psychology. A friend, listening to me, suddenly said: “Maybe you have Asperger's? Not only what you say, but also how you communicate, is similar to the manifestations of this syndrome. At that time I didn't know what it was. But after the words of her friend, she thought about it, decided that she needed to go to the doctor.

Now I call my oddities - features, although I was brought up without considering these features. And both peers and adults communicated with me without taking into account these features.

I still have to force myself to communicate with people.

I had a friend (unfortunately, she died) with whom I could communicate without fear that she would misunderstand me. Because if she did not understand, or if she thought that I said something unpleasant, she simply asked again. What happiness! And if I didn’t understand her, I could also ask her again as many times as I wanted. This was the only person with whom I communicated without all internal restrictions, so without her I was very, very orphaned.

My relatives don't know about my diagnosis. Mom knows about my trips to a psychotherapist, does not approve, but somehow puts up - like "whatever the child amuses herself with." Somehow, she believes that there is no sense in this, but you just need not to dissolve, to control yourself.

Did I get better after seeing a doctor? I don't see any changes in myself. But the atmosphere in society has a positive effect, and it has changed. Already less than this “I will not surrender to a psychiatrist for nothing” and the idea that all psychiatry is by definition punitive ... What I am a little afraid of is still what they learn at work. And I'm always good with myself.

I'm not Gagarin

It happens that, for example, I can cook borscht, pea soup, salad, and bake meat in one evening. And I can't cook anything. Deadlines help with difficult situations. For example, before the guests arrive, you clean up so that the guests have an elementary place to sit.

Sometimes they try to help me: do something around the house, with repairs, etc., but it turns out that a person does it for himself, and not for me. Look, do you see the bottle? You don't have to throw it away. This is a special bottle, which, being light - plastic, square, half a liter, can also withstand boiling water. I saved this cat thanks to this bottle: I took boiling water in the veterinary clinic, wrapped it in a diaper, and the cat warmed up on the road. After all, I picked up a cat in the river, she had hypothermia.

Because there are people with similar problems, it's easier for me - I'm not Gagarin, I can't be the first and without looking back make some discoveries, even personal ones.

"He did the impossible because he didn't know it was impossible" - that's not about me. You look to the right, to the left and you understand that people somehow solve similar problems. And you have hope that you can too. You sit in a swamp, you don’t know what to do, but you see: “Here is a man who has found a way, this way does not suit me, but maybe I will find my own.”

The psychologist who is doing CBT with me now, when I ask what we are doing, answers: “We are doing adaptation. You've been maladjusted. For example, you do not notice how you help people. So you said that you do not interfere in the studies of a student who was allowed to live with you. And you yourself tell how they helped him with the essay. Although I don't really think it's that much of a learning aid.

In childhood, people with Asperger's Syndrome are often child prodigies

A psychiatrist, psychotherapist, candidate of medical sciences talks about the features of Asperger's syndrome Ivan Martynikhin :

– Some time ago, the scientific community was of the opinion that Asperger's syndrome is a separate disorder, different from autism. Later, nevertheless, the terms "childhood autism", "Asperger's syndrome" and "high-functioning autism" (which is practically a synonym for Asperger's syndrome) were combined into one concept - "autism spectrum". And now we're talking about more severe and milder autism. Asperger's Syndrome is a milder variant of autism.

"Light" is, of course, a comparative characteristic. The two main criteria for diagnosing autism are complex social communication and a tendency to repetitive behavior. This unites all variants of autism. But in a severe form, a person may not notice other people at all, so often such people do not even develop speech - they do not understand social signals.

In children with mild forms of autism such as Asperger's syndrome, the lack of complex social communication is not yet obvious. Therefore, Asperger's syndrome is often diagnosed already in adults - after all, in childhood, many of them rather pleased their parents.

These children start talking early, show good memory in their areas of interest - for example, some like languages and learn several languages, some do well in mathematics, that is, they seem to be geeks.

And in middle and high school they have communication problems with the team, with teachers, in adult life - with the work team, in family life. A person with Asperger's Syndrome can suffer greatly because they fail to build subtle partnerships. His subjective discomfort can be much greater than that of a non-verbal person with a severe form of autism, who, in principle, does not compare himself with other people.

It happens that people with Asperger's syndrome adapt to the work community. Most often they are programmers, mathematicians, linguists. This may be a very high-profile specialist who enjoys authority, but in a situation where complex communication is needed, he has problems.

In IT companies, specialists are evaluated according to the criteria of hard skills and soft skills: the first is professional skills, the second is the ability to communicate in a team, work in a team, quickly understand requirements, and the like.

And it turns out that a person with Asperger's syndrome has good hard skills and poor soft skills. Some adapt to special conditions, and some cannot adapt in any way, despite a good education.

Based on world statistics, in Russia, as in other countries, a sufficiently large number of people with Asperger's syndrome should be diagnosed - according to the latest data, in the USA there are already more than 1 in 50 people. Rates in Europe and the US are now changing frequently as the threshold is lowered - more and more mild cases are being diagnosed.

And in Russia, according to 2019 data, only a few hundred people were diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome - out of a population of 140 million. I am collaborating with the Anton Is Here Foundation: we have already conducted four training courses for young psychiatrists. I hope that in connection with this, the diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome will improve. But so far, even in St. Petersburg, there may be only a few dozen doctors who can expertly make this diagnosis.

The ability to understand other people is a fairly complex skill, its development requires a lot of time and effort. And doctors are more likely to work not with Asperger's syndrome itself, but with complications arising from it - for example, with anxiety disorders, which occur in many people with autism due to some kind of social failure.

It is not easy to do something with Asperger's syndrome itself, but it is possible, and first of all, the patient himself should deal with this, and his relatives should help him - place him in a social environment, explain something.

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