Raising anxious child
10 Tips for Parenting Anxious Children
WebMD Feature from Child Mind InstituteWritten by WebMD Editorial Contributors
Many well-meaning parents try to protect anxious kids from their fears, but overprotecting can actually make anxiety worse. Here are pointers for helping kids cope with anxiety without reinforcing it.
1. Don't try to eliminate anxiety; do try to help a child manage it.
The best way to help kids overcome anxiety is to help them learn to tolerate it as well as they can. Over time the anxiety will diminish.
2. Don't avoid things just because they make a child anxious.
Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run.
3. Express positive—but realistic—expectations.
Don't promise a child that what she fears won't happen—that you know she won't fail the test—but do express confidence that she'll be able to manage whatever happens.
4. Respect her feelings, but don't empower them.
Validating feelings doesn't mean agreeing with them. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor, do listen and be empathetic, but encourage her to feel that she can face her fears.
5. Don't ask leading questions.
Encourage your child to talk about her feelings, but try not to ask leading questions: "Are you anxious about the big test?” Instead, ask open-ended questions: "How are you feeling about the science fair?"
6. Don't reinforce the child's fears.
Avoid suggesting, with your tone of voice or body language: "Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of."
7. Be encouraging.
Let your child know that you appreciate how hard she’s working, and remind her that the more she tolerates her anxiety, the more it will diminish.
8. Try to keep the anticipatory period short.
When we're afraid of something, the hardest time is before we do it.
So if a child is nervous about going to a doctor's appointment, don't discuss it until you need to.
9. Think things through with the child.
Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a fear came true—how would she handle it? For some kids, having a plan can reduce the uncertainty in a healthy, effective way.
10. Try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety.
Don't pretend that you don't experience stress and anxiety, but do let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, tolerating it and feeling good about getting through it.
Originally published on February 29, 2016
Related Content on childmind.org
- How to Avoid Passing Anxiety on to Your Kids
- How Anxiety Leads to Disruptive Behavior
- Behavioral Treatment for Kids WIth Anxiety
How To Help A Child With Anxiety : Life Kit : NPR
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Childhood anxiety is one of the most important mental health challenges of our time. One in five children will experience some kind of clinical-level anxiety by the time they reach adolescence, according to Danny Pine, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the National Institute of Mental Health and one of the world's top anxiety researchers. Pine says that for most kids, these feelings of worry won't last, but for some, they will — especially if those children don't get help.
Here are six takeaways that all parents, caregivers and teachers can add to their anxiety toolkits, including information on how anxiety works, how parents can spot it and how to know when it's time to get professional help.
1. Anxiety is a fear of the future and all its unpredictability.
"The main thing to know about anxiety is that it involves some level of perception about danger," says Pine, and it thrives on unpredictability.
The mind of an anxious child is often on the lookout for some future threat, locked in a state of exhausting vigilance.
We all have some of this hard-wired worry, because we need it. Pine says it's one of the reasons we humans have managed to survive as long as we have. "Young children are naturally afraid of strangers. That's an adaptive thing. They're afraid of separation."
Full-blown anxiety happens when these common fears get amplified — as if someone turned up the volume — and they last longer than they're supposed to. Pine says separation anxiety is quite common at age 3, 4 or 5, but it can be a sign of anxiety if it strikes at age 8 or 9. According to research, 11 is the median age for the onset of all anxiety disorders.
A bundle of factors contributes to a child's likelihood of developing anxiety. Roughly a third to half of the risk is genetic. But environmental factors also play a big part. Exposure to stress, including discord at home, poverty and neighborhood violence, can all lead to anxiety.
Research has shown that women are much more likely than men to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder over their lifetime and that anxiety, as common as it is, appears to be vastly underdiagnosed and undertreated.
That's why it's important for parents, caregivers and teachers to spot it early. Be on the lookout for how long anxious feelings last. A few weeks, Pine says, usually isn't a cause for concern. "It's really when it goes into the one- to two-month range — that's where parents should really start ... worrying about it."
Here's another red flag: "Are there things that the child really wants to do or needs to be doing, and they can't do those things?" asks Krystal Lewis, a colleague of Pine's and a clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health who provides therapy to anxious children. "If you feel you're hitting a wall in terms of trying to get the child to do those things, that might be another indicator that potentially, you know, we should get some help.
"
2. Be on the lookout for the physical signs of anxiety.
The worried feelings that come with anxiety can seem hidden to everyone but the child trapped in the turbulence. That's why it's especially important for grown-ups to pay close attention to a child's behavior and to look for the telltale signs of anxiety in children.
Anna, of Brampton, England, remembers when her 7-year-old son started having trouble at school. (We aren't using parents' full names to protect their children's privacy.)
"He was just coming home and saying his stomach hurt. He was very sick," Anna says. When she followed up with him to try to get to the root of his stomachache, she says, "he did tell me he was worried about school, and he told me specifically it was a teacher that he was worried about."
A stomachache, headache or vomiting can all signal anxious feelings, especially as a child gets closer to the source of the anxiety.
"You'll see that they'll have a rapid heartbeat.
They'll get clammy, you know, because their heart is racing," says Rosemarie Truglio, the head of curriculum and content at Sesame Workshop. "They'll become tearful. That's another sign. ... Anxiety is about what's going to be happening in the future. So there's a lot of spinning in their head, which they're not able to articulate."
It's near this point of panic that Pine says a child's anxiety is most visible: "So you can see it in their face. There is a certain way the eyes might look. You can see it in behavior in general. People tend to either freeze, be inhibited not to do things when they're anxious, or they can get quite upset. They can pace. They might run away."
Rachel, of Belgrade, Mont., says her 6-year-old son really doesn't want to swim or go to their local splash park.
"He just says there's too many kids in there. And he cries, and I've tried to go early in the morning when there's no one there. I mean, I've lost count of how many times we've driven by just to see if I could get him out of the car and he won't.
And I'm not going to drag him."
We heard this from so many parents: My child is terrified to do something that I know won't hurt them, that they might actually enjoy. What do I do?
3. Before you try to reason with a panicked child, help the child relax.
"You're not going to be able to move forward until you get them to calm down," says Sesame's Truglio. "Because if you can't calm them down, you can't even reach them. They're not listening to your words because they can't. Their body is taking over, so talking and shouting and saying, 'You're going to do this!' is not very helpful."
How do you break through this kind of panic? We recommend the Swiss Army knife in the mental health toolkit: deep belly breathing. Take a look:
NPR YouTube
Now that you've managed to calm down your child, it's time to .
..
4. Validate your child's fear.
We heard from lots of parents who say they really struggle to know how to respond when their kids worry about unlikely things — especially if the fear is getting in the way of a busy daily routine, maybe a fun family outing or sleep.
"She comes down. It's 2 a.m. And she wakes me up," says Amber, of Huntsville, Ala., about her 8-year-old daughter. "And she said, 'I don't want to go away to college. I want to live at home for college.' And it's 2 a.m. ... That's when I really have to filter and not say, 'That is ridiculous. This is not a big deal!' "
Amber's filtered response was exactly right, says Truglio. Never dismiss a child's worries, no matter how irrational they may seem. A parent's priority, she says, should be "validating your child's feelings and not saying, 'Oh, you know, buck up. You can do this!' That's not helpful."
Lewis, of the National Institute of Mental Health, has language for parents who in the moment may feel frustrated by a child's behavior:
" 'I know that you're feeling uncomfortable right now.
I know these are scary feelings.' You want to personify the anxiety, and so you can almost say, 'You know what, we know that this is our worry brain.' "
Lewis says it's crucial that children feel heard and respected. Even if you're pretty certain aliens aren't going to take over the planet tomorrow, if your child is worried about it, you need to let your child know that you respect that fear.
5. Help your child face their fears.
This is the fine line every parent, caregiver and teacher must walk with a child struggling with anxiety. You must respect the child's fear, but that does not mean giving in to the fear.
"I think our initial reaction when we see an anxious child is to help them and protect them and not to push them or encourage them to do the things that they're afraid of," Pine says. But, he adds, one of the things researchers have learned from years of studying anxiety in children is "how important it is to face your fears."
This might be hard for some parents to hear, but we heard it from every expert we interviewed.
As to why it's important to face your fears, Lewis says, "the more that you avoid or don't do certain things, it's almost implicitly teaching the child that there is a reason to be anxious or afraid if we're not doing the things that are difficult. It's sending this message that, 'Oh well, there is potentially a dangerous component to this.' "
So it's important, Lewis says, "that children understand that things are gonna be difficult in life. Things can be scary. We can do them. ... I tell some of my patients, 'You can feel scared. That's OK. We're gonna do it anyway.' "
And Truglio agrees. While we do have to validate our kids' feeling of fearfulness, she says, "we can't always give in to this feeling. ... You need to push them a little bit. And there's this fine line: You can't push so far, because that's going to break them, right? They're going to fall apart even more."
How do we grown-ups find that fine line?
6. Build confidence with a baby-step plan.
Helping kids come up with a plan to face their fears is Lewis' job.
It's called cognitive behavioral therapy, and a big part of that is exposure therapy.
Lewis says she once worked with an 8-year-old who was terrified of vomiting.
"We did a lot of practice, which included buying vomit spray off Amazon and vomit-flavored jelly beans," she recalls. "We listened to all types of fun vomit sounds using YouTube video. We did a lot of practicing up to the point where we created fake vomit, and we were in the bathroom and just pretending to vomit."
And Lewis says that baby step after baby step, the girl made important progress.
"One of her peers had vomited in the classroom. And she comes into session, and she was just like, 'Someone vomited in my class, and I ran to the corner of the classroom' and was just like, 'I didn't leave the classroom!' ... She was very proud of the progress she was making. In the past, she would have run out of the classroom to the counselor's office and then missed school for, like, the next week."
Lewis says parents can use rewards to celebrate their kids when they make progress — think small but meaningful rewards like letting your child pick dinner that night or the movie for family movie night.
Obviously, these takeaways are just a starting point for concerned families. For more helpful takeaways about how to identify and manage childhood anxiety, Pine and Lewis recommend a handful of books:
- Helping Your Anxious Child: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents, by Ronald Rapee, Ann Wignall, Susan Spence, Vanessa Cobham and Heidi Lyneham
- Outsmarting Worry: An Older Kid's Guide to Managing Anxiety, by Dawn Huebner
- What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety, by Dawn Huebner
- Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous & Independent Children, by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons
If you feel overwhelmed by your child's anxiety, don't hesitate to ask for professional help — again, from your family's pediatrician or from a cognitive behavioral therapist. Because the good news is that anxiety is not only incredibly common but also treatable.
You can listen to this podcast episode, hosted by Anya Kamenetz and Cory Turner, here.
Audio for this podcast episode was produced by Sylvie Douglis.
How to raise and support an anxious child
Your child is often not confident in his abilities, afraid of everything, worries for many reasons, he is not as active and courageous as his peers. It even seems to you that you somehow educate him incorrectly. How will be correct?
Marusya Vasilyeva
Character or stress
« My daughter is afraid of everything, it is incredibly difficult to persuade her to try something new, in children's companies she is usually the quietest and most shy. We often discuss with her what will happen if ... And then there is a whole list of "terrible things": if she can't do something, if there is a hurricane, if mom and dad don't come home from work... We're doing something wrong , probably, that she is such a coward ... "(Anna, 38 years old).
There is a difference between anxiety as an emotional state (called situational anxiety) and anxiety as a personality trait.
Situational anxiety is a natural reaction of a child to a new and not entirely clear situation, if this situation is significant. For example, many children tend to get nervous before tests, when they move to a new school, before going to summer camp.
And anxiety as a character trait is manifested in the fact that a child has an especially easy and frequent state of anxiety, and for any reason. Under favorable conditions, it can smooth out with age (normally, the older a person is, the more complex and perfect his coping mechanisms become), but it is very unlikely to go away.
Why is he like this?
Anxiety as a personality trait is based on a combination of two factors: the high sensitivity of the child and the severe exhaustion of his nervous system. If a child has a strong nervous system or low sensitivity, then even very anxious parents will not be able to form anxiety as a character trait in him.
The child will either be perplexed “why are they soaring about it”, or not understand why they worry so much when they need to “just do it like this”.
But a sensitive and exhausted child is "infected" with parental anxiety very easily. If anxiety is typical for mom or dad, then the recommendation not to show your insecurity to the child and at least outwardly remain calm is hardly feasible. But such parents have a significant resource to help the child: they know well what it is like to be so sensitive and vulnerable. They better understand the difficulties, they can support and share their experience.
It turns out that the formation of general anxiety requires initial biological preconditions. If you got an anxious child, this does not mean that you did something terrible with your upbringing, it's just that he is like that. However, anxiety in certain areas can indeed arise under the influence of adults. In particular, when a child feels that over and over again he does not live up to the expectations of significant adults, does not cope with some important life task for him, and help does not come.
« I have been fat all my life. My classmates teased and bullied me. I didn't know what to do. Mom suggested "not to pay attention", dad recommended "to be a man and punch in the face." Have you tried not to pay attention when they push you in the back with all their foolishness and shout: "Hi, fattrest!"? It's hard not to notice. And I never knew how to punch in the face, I can't hit a person. After all these conversations with I felt like a complete nonentity who not only couldn’t figure out how to solve his problems on his own, but couldn’t even follow such simple advice.0010".
« Our mathematician acted on me like a boa constrictor on a rabbit. There were no problems with understanding mathematics, but I could not stand her yelling and mockery. I was so quiet that I never got it from her, but I kept waiting for her to notice me one day. From the very morning my stomach started to hurt and I felt sick. As soon as I stayed at home, everything quickly passed.
Mom thought I was pretending to be ."
How to help him
If anxiety is a personality trait inherent in your child, it is important to create comfortable conditions for him to live.
1. Realistic parental expectations
An anxious child is an exhausted and vulnerable child, so you should not try with all your might to make him a leader, the soul of the company, a brave hero. Yes, he is like this, respect it and don't try to change it.
2. A lot of support and praise
Support will be both a calm attitude towards failures (but calm does not mean indifferent), and speaking with the child of the positive changes that you notice ("before you could not do this, but now you can" ), and a willingness to sympathetically listen to fears and concerns. Warm and emotional relationships in the family are important, and praise and celebration of any achievements are simply obligatory.
Do not be afraid to overpraise, it is almost impossible, such children are very critical of their abilities and successes.
3. Gentle regimen
Alas, no matter how much you want to open the “endless sea of possibilities” to your child, life in the format of “drama club, photo circle” is not for his nervous system. More rest and favorite things, less stress.
4. Stable, predictable environment
This also applies to the general structure of life and the emotional background in the family. Of course, in life there is always a place for surprises, troubles and conflicts. But an anxious child is a very sensitive child, he intuitively reads the mood of his parents and is very worried if something is wrong. It is important for him to understand what is happening, for example, if the parents quarrel. Without your explanations, he can invent action-packed events, go far in fantasies and fears.
5. Recognition of the child's characteristics and joint search for solutions that could help him not to worry so much in different situations
may not be appropriate for a child.
6. The situation of success
Help your child find at least one area where he will be able to assert himself, do something better than others (or at least at the same level as most children). The feeling of success is very important.
School anxiety
Of course, anxious children always have a harder time at school than their less receptive peers. Often school becomes a difficult test for a child, and if in the first years of study you can specifically find a gentle and patient teacher, then in middle and high school it is important to make sure that the child has some meaningful and enjoyable business besides school, at in case things don't go well.
Anxiety can interfere with learning or demonstrating knowledge. Usually the problem is not that the child does little and needs more, but precisely in his fears: not meeting the expectations of his parents, being funny in the eyes of classmates, fear of ridicule or shouting from the teacher.
Working with a psychologist, helping to establish contact with the teacher, explaining the child's characteristics to the teacher, revising their expectations (children are not obliged to satisfy our ambitions) can help here. It happens that everything is in order with studies, but relations with peers and adults do not go well. A psychologist and special work aimed at reducing anxiety, accepting oneself and developing communication skills can also be useful here.
The exception is school bullying. When a child is bullied at school, it is not necessary and, moreover, it is very harmful and cruel to try to teach him to communicate differently, offer to ignore offenders, “take a hit”, etc.
Bullying is always a systemic problem, not a child’s problem. It is necessary either to initiate the work of the school to overcome the current situation (with the help of the administration, teachers and a psychologist), or to change the school.
What not to do
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To develop “character” in a child by hard forcing them to overcome their fears. In a stressful situation, anxious children usually do not mobilize, but, on the contrary, fall into a stupor. The so-called disturbing breakdown of activity can occur with them, when the child loses the ability to do even what he can do well. A couple of particularly "successful" educational actions, and the child will be firmly strengthened in the opinion that he is definitely stupid, helpless, incapable and good for nothing.
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Make fun of his worries and fears. Even if it's mild irony or family humor. For him, his experiences are very serious (as are the reasons for them).
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Saying he shouldn't worry (or worry that much). Believe me, if he could, he would not worry. It is better to give your son or daughter the opportunity to talk about their experiences, sympathize and offer to look for a way out together.
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Frighten him with your anxiety and patronize him excessively. Sometimes parents, concerned about the vulnerability and vulnerability of the child, perceive any situation as potentially traumatic for him. For example, the first thing they ask upon returning from school is: “Did anyone offend you?”
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Regularly point out his shortcomings. Such children, as a rule, are already well aware of their "weak" sides. And parents are, in fact, the rear and support!
Anxious children
These features of the child's behavior and attitude towards themselves indicate anxiety:
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The child is not self-confident.
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He is afraid of making mistakes.
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He is overly worried before tests and answers at the blackboard, the result is always lower compared to homework.
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Considers himself not smart enough, capable, attractive, sociable, etc.
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He painfully perceives any, even the mildest criticism.
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He is suspicious, very concerned about his health.
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He often worries about his parents, their health and life.
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He finds it difficult to join a new team, does not show initiative when meeting (waits to be selected, called, asked).
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It is difficult for him to ask for something or ask not only from a stranger (for example, a seller in a store), but also from people he knows.
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He is easily frightened and does not calm down for a long time.
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He has many fears: as soon as they got rid of one, another immediately appeared (the latter
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is more typical for preschoolers than for older children).
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He constantly “thinks up” some dangers and worries (for example, fine
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having learned the poem: “What if I forget everything until tomorrow, and the teacher will scold me, and my classmates will laugh”).
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In situations of anxiety, the child develops a tic or he may start to stutter, although he usually speaks normally, etc.
How to help an anxious child? | "Four leaf clover" Anxiety is commonly referred to as an increased tendency to experience apprehension and worry. In some situations, anxiety is justified and even useful: it mobilizes a person, allows you to avoid danger or solve a problem. This is the so-called situational anxiety. But sometimes anxiety accompanies a person in all life circumstances, even objectively favorable ones. That is, it becomes a stable personality trait. Such a person experiences constant unaccountable fear, an indefinite sense of threat. An anxious child is constantly depressed, on guard, it is difficult for him to establish contact with others, the world is perceived as frightening and hostile. Low self-esteem and a gloomy look at the future are constantly fixed. Signs of anxiety: Preschool anxiety Anxiety is inherent in a person, regardless of age. In children from 1 to 3 years of age, the most common fears are caused by sharp loud sounds, sudden pain, for example, during vaccinations, and as a result, a negative reaction to doctors. In the age range from 3 to 5 years, anxiety in preschoolers often manifests itself in the form of fears such as fear of the dark, closed space, and loneliness. At the age of 5 to 7 years, fear of death is often added. If you notice anxiety in your child, in no case should you let this problem go by itself. In the age range from 3 to 5 years, anxiety in preschoolers often manifests itself in the form of such fears as fear of the dark, closed space, loneliness. At the age of 5 to 7 years, fear of death is often added. School anxiety Usually, anxiety manifests itself 1.5 months after the start of the school year, it is in connection with this that schoolchildren need rest - holidays from 1 to 1.5 weeks. Sometimes anxiety is related to more serious problems. Where does increased anxiety come from? Parents who do not doubt and do not worry know exactly what and how to achieve in life. And most importantly - what they want to achieve from their child. Such a child must constantly live up to the high expectations of adults. He is in a situation of constant and intense expectation: he managed or failed to please his parents. It is especially difficult for a child if the demands and reactions of adults are unpredictable and inconsistent. A child's internal conflict can be caused by: Experts believe that in preschool and younger preschool age, boys are more anxious, and after 12 years - girls. At the same time, girls are more worried about relationships with other people, and boys are more worried about violence and punishment. How to help an anxious child? To achieve success in this matter, it is necessary that an adult himself see the dignity of the child, treat him with respect (and not just with love) and be able to notice all his successes, even the smallest ones. It is necessary to teach the ability to manage oneself in situations that cause the greatest anxiety in the child It is important for all children to be able to relax, but for anxious children it is simply a necessity, because the state of anxiety is accompanied by a clamping of different muscle groups. Prevention of anxiety. Recommendations to parents. For example, you can’t say to a child: “Your teachers understand a lot, better listen to your grandmother!”. If a child is given some kind of educational Subject with difficulty, it is better to once again help him and provide support, and when even the slightest success is achieved, do not forget to praise him. If for some objective reasons it is difficult for a child to study, choose a circle for him to his liking so that classes in it bring joy to the child and he does not feel disadvantaged. If parents are not satisfied with the behavior and success of their child, this is not a reason to deny him love and support. Let your child live in an atmosphere of warmth and trust, and then all his many talents will manifest. Child anxiety
Any event is perceived as unfavorable and dangerous.
An anxious child is constantly depressed, on guard, it is difficult for him to establish contact with others, the world is perceived as frightening and hostile.
Childhood anxiety at different ages
It is often difficult for parents to understand why their child may be worried.
Well, what problems can there be at his age: dressed, well-fed, the yard is full of friends, a lot of toys, loving relatives ?!
However, the presence of childhood anxiety problems signals that in the life of a small person, not everything is as smooth as it seems to adults. This condition should never be ignored. In addition, it doesn’t matter if you have a son or a daughter, at this age anxiety does not depend on the child’s gender. 
The age from 7 to 11 years can become very difficult. At this time, the child's life changes, he becomes an adult, he is entrusted with the mission of studying well, behaving correctly, being better, diligent, smarter than his peers.
Usually, anxiety manifests itself 1.5 months after the start of the school year, it is in connection with this that schoolchildren need rest - holidays from 1 to 1.5 weeks. 
So, with the help of a professional psychologist at the Four-Leaf Clover Clinic of Restorative Psychology, a child can be diagnosed with a mental disorder, neurosis at an early stage.
Having committed some “unseemly” act, the girls worry that their mother or teacher will think badly of them, and their girlfriends will refuse to be friends with them. In the same situation, boys are likely to be afraid that they will be punished by adults or beaten by their peers.
It is very useful for such a child to attend group psycho-corrective classes - after consultation with a psychologist. The topic of childhood anxiety is well developed in psychology, and usually the effect of such activities is palpable.
Be consistent in your actions, do not forbid the child for no reason what was allowed before.
