Psychology today intimacy
Why Emotional Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy Go Together
Intimacy—that feeling of closeness, connectedness, and togetherness shared between people—is one of the most important and rewarding components of a healthy romantic relationship. When I work with couples who want to improve their marital satisfaction, I always end up referring to both types of intimacy that you hear about: physical (or sexual) intimacy and emotional intimacy.
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What this means is:
- For the couple who say sex is great but they feel distant from each other, we use therapy as an opportunity to explore emotional and physical intimacy.
- For the couple who say they feel a deep sense of love and appreciation for each other but that their sex life has fizzled to the point that their relationship borders on platonic, we (you guessed it) use therapy as an opportunity to explore emotional and physical intimacy.
I lay this out simply to show that both types of intimacy truly are essential. Here are three things I consider to be important truths about physical and emotional intimacy that all couples should know.
1. You really can't have one without the other (at least not if you're looking for long-term commitment).
Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy both matter, and one is not more important than the other...at least not when it comes to having a healthy long-term relationship.
To be clear, you definitely can have physical intimacy without an emotional connection. For many couples, physical intimacy or sexual attraction often precedes emotional intimacy as the thing that gets both partners to "buy in" to the relationship (triggering what some call the evolutionarily driven "urge to merge"). Likewise, it's possible to feel emotionally intimate and connected with someone without being physically attracted to them.
But when these two expressions of intimacy remain separate or disjointed, a couple is effectively unable to evolve into a mature, loving relationship.
Because, while physical intimacy allows people to express and enjoy their connection on a sensual level, emotional intimacy is necessary for people to feel safe enough to build (and maintain) a lasting connection in the first place.
I encourage couples to think about emotional and physical intimacy as components that work in tandem with each other to create a healthy and fit relationship. Improving the strength of both will improve and balance out the health of your relationship overall.
2. Physical and emotional intimacy share some essential ingredients.
To be physically and emotionally intimate with someone demands several prerequisites. Both partners need to be able to offer:
- Trust: the sense that you won't let each other down and will respect your boundaries
- Vulnerability: the willingness to be honest about your biggest fears, insecurities, desires, and dreams
- Communication: the ability to give each other mindful, present, and focused attention while discussing small and big things (which means going above and beyond the more surface-level questions like "How was your day?" or "Who's picking up the kids tonight?")
If you struggle with things like trust, vulnerability, and communication within your marriage, couples counseling can help.
3. Partners may value each type of intimacy differently.
It's not uncommon for partners to view physical and emotional intimacy from different perspectives.
For example, one partner may value physical intimacy more, so they may express their love primarily through physical touch and feel the most loved when their partner does the same. The opposite can be true, too: One partner who places a high value on emotional intimacy will feel extremely fulfilled and close after a deep conversation, but may feel a little disconnected after sex (especially if the other partner doesn't want to talk right away).
The thing is, prioritizing or "preferring" one type of intimacy over the other isn't necessarily a problem, as long as two partners recognize that both types of intimacy hold equal weight in the marriage. This might mean one partner has to make more of "an effort" to have sex, while the other has to make more of "an effort" to have those deep conversations. If this sounds like your marriage, try to be patient with each other.
..and keep those honest lines of communication open.
The Essential Ingredient for True Intimacy
Source: Flickr image by Robin Green
In a recent post, I explored how it takes more than love to build a thriving partnership and meaningful friendship. It also takes emotional safety. In romantic relationships, love is a good start. But if we want to enjoy the secure and enduring connection of mature love, we need to feel safe, which creates a foundation for emotional and sexual intimacy.
We’re wired with a longing for safe, satisfying connections. But sadly, we may not be fully aware of how we disrupt the intimacy we want. If we can understand how intimacy gets derailed, we can become more mindful of what it takes to create emotionally safe connections.
Feeling emotionally safe means feeling internally relaxed and open. When we’re intimate, we feel connected. When we’re not connected, we feel distant, protective, or overly cautious. A nourishing intimacy happens when barriers melt and hearts open (while not neglecting the need for healthy boundaries).
Researcher John Gottman has identified criticism and contempt as all-too-common intimacy-busters. In fact, he describes contempt as the primary predictor of divorce. By diminishing a person through hurtful criticism or sarcasm, we trigger their self-protective mechanism. We activate their fight, flight, freeze response rather than invite the nectar of their love to nourish us.
A flower won’t bloom until conditions are supportive. Similarly, our tender heart won’t open and reveal its beautiful secrets unless we feel internally safe. Consistent respect, kindness, and appreciation are antidotes to criticism and contempt; they create the necessary conditions for a deepening love and intimacy.
An Eroding Attraction
Early in a romantic relationship, our emotional and sexual attraction is often strong. We may be baffled that it fades over time, perhaps concluding that this isn’t the right partner. Our dissatisfaction and confusion may prompt us to end the relationship or stray mindlessly into an affair.
One reason that our attraction may diminish is the loss of emotional safety and connection. Trust is a fragile flower that takes time to build and is easily damaged. If we receive a steady dose of being blamed or shamed rather than respected and cherished, our tender heart is likely to go into hiding to protect our vulnerable self.
We might think we should be stronger and just let things roll off our backs. And in fact, it may help to explore whether we’re taking things too personally, losing perspective, or feeling overly offended by light-hearted teasing. But hurtful teasing or shaming that poke our partner’s tender spots are likely to push him or her away, thereby frustrating our desire to connect.
An erosion of emotional, sexual, or spiritual intimacy can be caused by many factors. A good starting point for unraveling this mystery may be to explore your possible contribution to the situation. Are you experiencing unmet needs or vulnerable feelings such as hurt, fear, or shame that you are acting-out indirectly (perhaps angrily) rather than expressing in a non-blaming, mature way?
How well are you listening when your partner expresses feelings or needs that might be uncomfortable to hear? Do you tend to react defensively or not take your partner's feelings and preferences seriously enough? Are you contributing to emotional disconnection because you insist on being right or feel uncomfortable when you don't have control over a situation? Is it difficult to soothe yourself when you’re feeling frustrated or do you vent frustrations on others? Are you using words, body language (eye-rolling, head-shaking), or a tone of voice that raises your partner’s shields?
The subtle or not-so-subtle ways we blame, criticize, and shame people are kryptonite to intimacy.
We may not be fully aware of the slow, steady drip of harm we inflict on our relationships by lashing out or being snarky in our communication. Building emotional safety begins by becoming mindful about what not to do in relationships.
Feeling emotionally safe frees us to share our feelings, thoughts, and desires without an intimacy-stifling fear. It takes mindfulness and courage to work with the shadow parts of us that might sabotage our longing for love and connection. When two people are committed to developing the skills necessary to create a safe climate for intimacy (perhaps with the help of a skilled couples therapist), relationships are more likely to thrive.
© John Amodeo
Facebook image: Evgeniy pavlovski/Shutterstock
How "WE" appears - a psychologist about intimacy in relationships
Modern technologies have greatly simplified communication, making it easy to meet new people, effortlessly maintain social ties.
So why do we often feel so alone, even when we're married or surrounded by dozens of friends? What is true intimacy with another person, how to find and maintain it?
As you know, a person is a social being, belonging and community are our basic needs, our happiness, emotional and physical well-being largely depend on the quality of relationships with other people. Of course, in the modern world, close relationships hold families together, helping to solve everyday issues and raise children. But mostly today people enter into relationships not for the sake of cooperation, but for the sake of the relationship itself, affection, emotional closeness. For romantic relationships, this brings both blessings and difficulties. Conscious, mature intimacy is great, but it's very emotionally demanding, and if the relationship doesn't meet all the demands of the partners, the couple can easily fall apart - which is partly why the divorce rate is so high these days. nine0003
What gives us emotional intimacy?
In close, trusting relationships with others, we find security, support, and peace of mind.
A reliable rear is very important so that we can act boldly, realizing our potential.
In addition, the attention of others teaches us to recognize, define, accept and love ourselves. Faith inspires us, gives us support, strength for growth. We should not reject criticism from loved ones, who sometimes see more clearly what traits or habits interfere with our lives. nine0003
But for all the objective importance and usefulness of intimacy, it is not so easy to dare it.
What are the dangers of intimacy and how to deal with them
– Addiction. The bond that holds loved ones together can be "unsettling." By suggesting that we cannot survive without another person, such a relationship is formed selfish, demanding, burdensome, and therefore unreliable. To avoid this, one should not allow the loss of one's "I", the loss of one's own interests and significance, and responsibility for one's life. nine0003
Relationships can also be mutually destructive.
If a person is dear to you, you should not experiment by violating his personal boundaries, causing pain and receiving it in return, destroying intimacy.
- Disappointment. You can find true intimacy only by getting rid of your fantasies about another person, from expectations and projections of your ideals. Disillusionment is not a very pleasant process, but a mature person is able to overcome disappointments for the sake of intimacy with a real person who can enrich our world. nine0003
– Alarms. Fear of separation and heartache is natural if the relationship is meaningful to you. Proximity makes us vulnerable, because a loved one becomes a part of our life and, losing him, we seem to lose a part of ourselves. Opening yourself up to another is a risk, but to gain intimacy is a mutual and necessary risk.
- Conflicts. Most people quarrel with their loved ones for a variety of reasons. But most quarrels are a kind of cry: “hear me, our relationship is under threat!” Such conflicts can serve for good: they reveal to partners the true feelings of each other, give a chance for transformation and strengthening of relations.
If necessary, work with a specialist can help in this: a psychotherapist, psychologist, family counselor. nine0003
Emotional intimacy is one of the foundations of our lives. Avoidance of meaningful relationships, the inability to let another into your inner world is often a sign of unresolved psychological or even mental problems, and often additionally burdens modern "hermits" with depression and anxiety.
How to find and maintain true intimacy?
- Be attentive to your wants and needs. Consider what you need from others to be happy, and are you getting it in your relationship? nine0003
- Do not be afraid to rethink your attitudes and habits, change your behavior. Often, we are prevented from gaining lasting attachment and happiness by someone else's or our own negative experience, whispering: "anyway, nothing will work out." A therapist can also help you overcome limiting beliefs, learn to trust yourself and others, and subsequently find the intimacy you desire.
- Seize the chances of intimacy: take the first steps, initiate communication, reconnect, support others, participate in family, friends, community. nine0003
- Be prepared to invest in intimate relationships. Intimacy is a shared experience, it cannot be one-sided. In order for intimacy to arise, strengthen and be preserved, close people need to be given attention and time. Sometimes finding rapport, maintaining relationships, or resolving conflicts will take effort, but it's a worthwhile investment.
- Learn sincerity. Let loved ones into your inner world. Intimacy is not what we “earn” with good behavior and concessions, not someone’s admiration for the glossy facade that we show on social networks. Intimacy is based on sincerity, frankness and openness, gives us an invaluable opportunity to be with our loved ones, to feel that we are loved and accepted exactly as we are. nine0003
– Appreciate your differences.
Proximity does not mean complete merging with another person. As relatives accept us, so we must respect their opinion, even if we do not agree, we must appreciate all their features, not appreciating and not trying to adjust them for ourselves. An alliance with someone who is similar in some ways, but different from us in some ways, can make us stronger, open up new sides in us, develop new qualities.
- Respect your own and others' personal boundaries. To establish a secure attachment, it is necessary to find a balance between "I" and "we", between our own and common interests, between openness and personal space. nine0003
– Talk. Speak out your feelings, emotions and desires with your loved ones in order to be less likely to encounter misunderstanding and unjustified expectations. Be ready to listen: understand and accept, show interest and express emotional support.
- Do not be afraid of responsibility. Yes, a close relationship is a kind of obligation, but it is mutual and valuable.
- Be careful. Don't hurt your loved ones on purpose. If we open our thoughts, desires, tastes and fears to another, and in return we receive indifference or ridicule, we feel mental pain, almost tantamount to physical pain. Give loved ones a fair response. Honest negative feedback is also sometimes necessary, but try to be merciful, show tenderness and kindness. nine0003
- Find a balance between loving yourself and others. Remind yourself often that we all have strengths and weaknesses and deserve respect and attention.
In fact, we build relationships with loved ones all our lives, because we change, and relationships change with us. Learn to find joy in the steps towards each other. This serious, exciting and interesting inner work can give us support, support, understanding and happiness next to another person.
Intimacy in relationships
- Parts
- Author: Butsovska Tetyana
- Category: International problems
30 spring
Intimacy in relationships is a great value, which speaks of the quality of these relationships.
As opposed to dependent relationships. Proximity is primarily a process of approaching - distancing. This is a constant choice of the distance of comfortable interaction with the Other, and this distance is always fickle. nine0003
It is always a risk to be without masks and protections, faced with vulnerability, loneliness and rejection. It's like a dance of two partners, two personalities. Where there is the ability not to depend on the Other. There is a capacity for unity and autonomy, there are boundaries of I and YOU. When I love you, but today I want to read a book and be alone without feeling guilty about leaving you alone. When you want to support a partner, but now he is annoying ... closeness is experienced as the integrity of life in the presence of another person. Intimacy is always a two-way process. nine0003
The ability to have close relationships implies, firstly: the desire to get close to another person, and secondly, the ability to feel one's own boundaries, to distinguish and respect other people's boundaries, the ability to be separate.
And to face your loneliness and rejection, to live it without being destroyed in the process. For this, a positive experience of living loneliness, rejection should be formed. The experience of living intimacy and trust in childhood is important ... with mom.
Some, after childhood traumas, do not dare to experience such living at all. It’s easier to go into cynicism, humor, sex, rejection, run away ... in your defenses, in general, do everything so as not to risk reliving the experience again, when the one who is so needed not only rejected my offer or my act, he rejected ME, me in my essence, accusing along the way of some of my badness. Therefore, in order for intimacy to happen, it is important that trust is formed in the relationship. nine0003
It is also impossible to talk about intimacy, ignoring the phenomenon of dependence. These are two different experiences and different experiences. But people often mistake addiction for intimacy, but that's not the case. In a dependent relationship there are no separate autonomous personalities, here I am not separate from the other, there is no way to see the partner as he really is.
When without another person there is no me, there is no life, when I cannot be without him. But it's hard to be with him.
In such a relationship it is safe, there is no responsibility for oneself, and all responsibility is shifted to the partner, he must take care of me, satisfy my needs, where he acts more as a parental figure. In such a relationship, there is a lot of expectation of unconditional acceptance and love. In fact, it resembles a parent-child relationship, when he did not separate from his mother, from her sissy ... and the partner, in fact, continues to be this mother .... nine0003
The road from addiction to intimacy is a whole journey of growing up, experiencing acceptance, rejection, loneliness, disappointment and unjustified expectations for the world and partner. Establishing the boundaries of the individual, thus separating oneself from the other. And the risk to live intimacy, to feel it in communion with the Other. Where you are is you.
And I am me.
