People that play the victim
Victim Mentality: Causes, Symptoms, and More
Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors
Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on February 03, 2022
In this Article
- What Does a Victim Mentality Mean?
- Why Be a Victim?
- Signs You Have a Victimhood Mindset
- How to Stop Being the Victim
We all have our ups and downs in life. Bad things might happen to you or people you know on a daily basis. But there are some people who claim it is never their fault. They argue that they have no control over the tough situations and problems they encounter. It is simply always happening to them.
Victimhood can become a part of a person's identity, but it is a learned behavior and can be changed. It often evolves as a defense mechanism to cope with adverse life events.
People who constantly blame other people or situations for the events in their lives have a victim mentality.
What Does a Victim Mentality Mean?
"It’s not my fault. " Someone who acts from a place of victimhood claims things that happen to them are the fault of someone or something other than themselves. It might be the fault of their partner, family, co-worker, friend, or "the way the world is." They ferquently complain about the bad things that happen in their lives. They are reluctant to take personal responsibility, asserting that the circumstances aren’t in their control.
It’s not a martyr complex. Victim mentality can sometimes be confused with a martyr complex. They are two similar behaviors, but there are some differences. Victims take things personally. Even if a comment or statement wasn’t directed at them, they will still absorb it as if it was. "What did I do to deserve this?" is a common question for them.
On the other hand, a person with a martyr complex will often go out of their way to take on extra tasks for other people, even if they don’t want to. They sacrifice themselves for others yet often feel resentful after the fact.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms. People who have a victim mentality have often suffered through trauma or hard times, but haven’t developed a healthier way to cope. As a result, they develop a negative view of life, where they feel that they don't have any control over what happens to them. Because they don’t think anything is their fault, they have little or no sense of responsibility for their lives. It just happens to them.
If someone tries to help or offer solutions, they’re often prepared with a list of reasons why that will not work. People who try to help are often left frustrated and confused.
Why Be a Victim?
Why do people behave this way? There are some benefits to adapting a victimhood mindset.
No accountability. Being accountable for your life means you’re in the driver’s seat. You take responsibility. That can be scary to someone who has a victim mentality. You would have to admit life isn’t just the result of the actions of others.
Taking responsibility bursts the protective bubble of victimhood.
Secondary gain. Some people’s problems continue because of the secondary benefits. Sympathy, attention, and access to medication or funds are common examples of secondary gain. Someone with a victim mentality might not even realize they are getting these benefits, and often feel truly distressed.
Satisfies unconscious needs. People with a victim mentality, especially when it comes from past trauma, unconsciously seek validation and help from others. They play the “poor me” card consistently. This can generate sympathy and help from others.
Avoid taking risks. Projecting blame on others is a key part of the victim mentality. It’s a way to avoid being truly vulnerable and taking risks.
Signs You Have a Victimhood Mindset
It’s normal to be unsatisfied in some parts of your life. But it’s important to look at the bigger picture. If you notice similar patterns across different areas of your life, you might have a victim mentality.
The first step to solving a problem is to identify and acknowledge it. Look for these signs in yourself to see if you might have adopted a victim mentality:
- You blame others for the way your life is
- You truly think life is against you
- You have trouble coping with problems in your life and feel powerless against them
- You feel stuck in life and approach things with a negative attitude
- You feel attacked when someone tries to offer helpful feedback
- Feeling bad for yourself gives you relief or pleasure
- You attract people who blame others and complain about their life
- It’s difficult for you to examine yourself and make changes
How to Stop Being the Victim
Victim mentality is learned behavior.
In other words, it’s not something you’re born with. It's something you learn in a social environment. It could be learned from family members or the result of trauma. However, you have the power to overcome it.
Take the first steps in the following ways.
Take responsibility. You are the only one who controls your actions. You might not be able to control others, but you control how you react to them. You control who you spend your time with, and where. Realize your potential and get in the driver’s seat of your life.
Self-care and compassion. Victim mentalities are subconsciously adopted as a way to cope, often from past trauma. Be compassionate to yourself in your recovery. Practice self-care and self-love. Journaling can be a helpful tool to work through your feelings.
Start saying no. You can say no to something you don’t want to do. It’s okay. Even if other people feel you are letting them down, take care of your energy and prioritize yourself.
Educate yourself. Read books about the victim mentality and how it affects your life. Consider seeking therapy. The more you educate yourself on the topic, the more likely you are to stay on track with your recovery and avoid going back to your old way of thinking.
Why some people always play the victim
Everybody has a bit of bad luck from time to time. But there are some people who seem to attract misfortune all the time.
Perhaps in a subconscious way they are. This can be because they always make choices that allow them to “play the victim”.
This is the person who wants to be seen struggling with heavy shopping bags in the rain when they know they can get their goods delivered to their door. This is somebody who almost seems to be pleased they have another new injury to show on their Facebook page.
They are the one who stays in the terrible relationship – so they can always tell you how unjustly they’ve been treated, once again. This is that person who always tells you what their bully of a boss has said or done this time, but who will never speak to their boss about it, leave the job or even look for a new one.
There are countless examples of someone who plays the victim – a state of being also know as victim syndrome, victim complex, or self-victimization.
It is the making up or exaggeration of being a victim, time and time again.
Bad people, places and things…
Someone who continually plays the victim believes that bad things always happen to them; that it is always the fault of others or circumstances; and that there is no point in looking for solutions as bad things will keep happening to them anyway.
If somebody suggests a solution, they are usually ready with a list of reasons why nothing will work – and try to get everyone to see how they are stuck as the victim. People who offer help are frequently left frustrated and bewildered – and in the end will understandably stop trying to help.
Unbeknown to the person with a victim complex, there are reasons behind their behavior. It is sometimes connected to an addiction to drama. Both continual “victims” and drama addicts can wear others away and take lots of their positive energy. So it’s natural that people will want to back away or completely cut them out of their life, at least for a while.
But while it is understandable to want to move away, detach with love, from anyone who steals our good energy, it is also important to have compassion. This is because behind a victim complex there is overwhelming inner pain – and it is that which fuels their behavior as a coping mechanism in life.
What is it like believing you are always the victim?
It is extremely hard work and exhausting living life believing you are the constant victim of people, places, and things that are out of your hands. “Life has dealt me badly and continues to do so” is what someone with a victim mentality will truly believe.
Then every new struggle they have or can make happen or make up will reinforce their negative beliefs. They will be suffering inside from negative self-talk and self-sabotage, and this will stop them from even attempting any solution.
It will leave them living a life where they feel relentless resentment, anger, and frustration.
They will feel hopeless and hurt and are often bitter towards anyone who seems to not suffer as they do or who has good fortune, even if it is clear that person deserves their good fortune.
Because of these beliefs and negative inner dialogue, a person who always plays the victim is likely to have angry outbursts and suffer from depression. Even if they are surrounded by people, they will feel isolated, lonely, and disconnected.
Signs of self-victimization
If you recognize some or all of these in someone – or yourself if you can be rigorously honest – they are signs of victim complex.
– No coping skills for life’s problems and so a feeling of being powerless to change and improve a situation. A victim never seems to learn and grow from bad things, and perhaps it is because subconsciously they do not want to stop playing the victim.
– Feeling trapped in life and always focusing on negatives and lack – what you’re missing, what there isn’t in life…
– Not wanting or accepting help or a solution when it’s offered. So using tactics such as suddenly changing the subject or then dismissing the problem as not really that bad – so that it can continue and repeatedly be brought up again.
– Feeling relief when able to claim and talk about being a victim.
– Often in a state of feeling sorry for themselves, wallowing in self-pity much of the time.
– Never looking at solutions, refusal even to consider there is one – so giving up before even trying (because a solution is not what is wanted).
– Always blaming others and avoiding responsibility for the way life is and really believing that life is bad and no one can be trusted.
Common phrases or variants that someone who plays the victim is likely to frequently say are:
“I must deserve all these bad things that always happen in my life.”
“It’s not my fault.”
“Nobody even cares about me.”
“Why is it that everything bad always happens to me?”
“It’s pointless to even try asking that [about a solution], so why bother?”
Why do people want to play the victim?
A victim mentality is often subconsciously developed as a way to cope, often from past trauma. That is frequently childhood trauma.
Connected to this is a lack of self-love and self-esteem. In many ways then it is as self-help author and motivational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer said: “You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you.”
That is, if you don’t value yourself it’s as if you are giving others permission to not value you either. This is especially the case in “romantic” relationships, where people who play the victim seem always to find someone who won’t treat them well.
So someone suffering from a victim mentality will think things like: “I’m not pretty enough to get or deserve anyone else.” Then it allows them to feel trapped in a relationship where they can continually tell everyone, including through social media posts, how poorly they are treated.
This way of thinking can be similarly applied to their jobs (or not having a job), family, or where they live. This low self-belief, often stemming from childhood from such as copious criticism, keeps them stuck.
Somebody who plays the victim can be doing it to manipulate others – and sometimes this is a sign of narcissistic personality disorder.
They get attention through it, and often love and approval too. This can definitely be connected to having their needs unmet as a child and so seeking the love and approval they really needed from their parents and/or key caregivers when growing up.
This sort of manipulation also allows them to take advantage of other people’s kindness. Sometimes it has to be seen that sloth is a motivating factor in this.
Someone with a victim mentality likes the sympathy they get from other people. It temporarily picks them up due to receiving attention.
As well, because of it they may justify drinking or taking drugs, including some medications. Or they may get given money because of their “unfixable” problems.
If the trauma was a part of their childhood or something that happened in later life, then if they have never managed to find a way to cope with or resolve what happened, someone can fall into being a victim. It’s as if they do not even look for solutions because their past experience of not finding a way to deal with the trauma has scarred them.
Someone who plays the victim can feel they are justified in shirking life’s responsibilities. It takes courage to realize we are largely responsible for our own life – and then take action to do something positive about it, which frequently involves an element of risk.
Many people who play the victim have grown up in a household that taught them to focus on the world’s negatives and lack – and never to trust anyone. This is a way that has often been passed down as the attitude to live life for generations.
It makes taking risks that might be needed to get away from certain situations – an abusive partner, a job with a bully boss, living in a rundown part of town – seem too daunting to even consider. There is no belief that things can ever be different.
But there is always a solution. There are proven successful methods that let anyone move away from having a victim mentality – and go forward into the wonderful life they are truly meant to have.
Our expert therapists have helped people for decades now.
Get in touch with us today to discuss how we can help you or someone you know.
"Excuse me, can I take this?" for not being able to help you."
Too many apologies for one person, right?
Too much. However, it is excessive apologies that are the first signs of the state of the victim.
Many have heard about the victim syndrome and the Karpman triangle (persecutor - victim - rescuer). Almost everyone has a boyfriend / girlfriend who is ready to whine endlessly because of the same problems. But few asked questions - how to understand that a person is playing the victim, why and how to get rid of this role? nine0005
Let's take these questions in order.
Read also: “And they lived happily ever after”: where does love go and how to return it?
How to understand that a person is playing the victim?
There is no person on Earth who has not complained about life at least once.
Perhaps the Dalai Lama, but he is just the exception that confirms the rule - everyone complains. Everyone had difficult moments at work, misunderstandings in relationships, conflicts with loved ones that they wanted to share with friends and get support from them. nine0005
If you sometimes turn to your friends to listen to you, does that make you a victim? Where is the fine line between friendly attention and full-blown whining?
The answer lies on the surface. When you feel the need to speak up and need to be heard, you are not yet a victim. This is just evidence that you are human and sometimes you need the help of others. But when “speaking out” turns into a weekly ritual of sobbing, lamenting and blaming everyone and everything, the first symptoms of the victim appear. nine0005
What are the subsequent manifestations of the victim?
1. Dramatization and exaggeration of problems
The victim does not just constantly complain about her husband, work, children, boss and others.
She revels in her helplessness and encourages others to feel the fullness of her life drama, and therefore is ready to talk about her problems endlessly.
2. Shifting the responsibility onto others
“They did that”, “he doesn’t understand”, “she doesn’t hear me” — someone is always to blame for the victim: circumstances, relatives, state, politics, weather. There is always a person or object to whom responsibility is shifted. You will not hear from the victim "I am to blame for this" or "the outcome of the situation depends on me." nine0005
3. Seeking consolation, not a solution to the situation
Once the victim receives the first consolation, he will no longer detach himself from the person who recklessly provided it. All the complaints of the victim have one purpose - to receive comfort and attention. Therefore, advice and recommendations aimed at solving the problems of the victim are perceived with hostility and are accompanied by lamentations in the spirit of "no one understands me.
"
4. Accusations and attempts to manipulate guilt
“I gave you my best years and you ungrateful can’t even bring me a glass of water”, “I devoted my whole life to them and they left me”, “I worked conscientiously for your company for 20 years and now you want to fire me ? are typical phrases for a victim who is eager to play on guilt and get what they want. At the same time, the victim herself never thinks that no one really asked her to “devote her life” and “give away her best years”.
5. Position of weakness and failure
The victim is sure that something is wrong with her, that some kind of defect was inherent in her from the very beginning. Hence the inferiority complex and disbelief that the situation can be changed.
These are the main symptoms and manifestations of a person who plays the victim. Further signs acquire an individual coloration, since "everyone is unhappy, unhappy in their own way" (L.
Tolstoy).
Why does a person play the victim?
We have dealt with the signs of the victim, now let's talk about the root causes of such behavior. nine0005
Psychologists are still studying the condition and have not come to a definitive conclusion. However, they highlight the main stimulus that makes a person play the victim - the thirst for love.
What does love have to do with it if victims beg for pity?
Despite the fact that for them love and pity are identical concepts. If he regrets, then he loves.
The perverted idea of love forces the victims to play their role again and again in an attempt to get the most necessary - attention and love. nine0005
Why and when did victims confuse pity with love? Scientists distinguish the following options:
1. The role of the victim is inherited
In most cases, if the mother of the family plays the victim, children grow up with a clear example of how to behave in order to get the right reaction from others.
2. Childhood trauma
A childhood trauma or serious illness leaves vivid memories of everyone fussing and trying to please, and a belief is born that this is how it should be. Growing up, a person continues to consider himself special, therefore, requires attention and sympathy from others. nine0005
3. Overprotection of parents
The more parents try to protect their child from all sorts of troubles, the more likely it is that he will grow up unable to take care of himself on his own and will require care from others.
4. Conflicts in the family
When a child grows up in an atmosphere of constant abuse and fights, he learns to be a victim who cannot change anything, and to put up with scenes of violence and their inevitability. In adulthood, he will continue to shift responsibility to others and put up with arbitrariness in relation to himself. nine0005
5. Shock or mental trauma
Treason, betrayal, bankruptcy are blows of fate that not everyone is able to survive without consequences for the psyche.
Any strong shock can trigger the victim mechanism - a person begins to blame circumstances and people for his failures.
How to stop playing the role of a victim?
Understanding the reasons why you play the victim and accepting it as a fact is the first step towards healing. Mindfulness is an effective weapon in all planes. It will help and rewrite the life script in a new role, and will be an excellent help in the practice of getting rid of sacrifice. nine0005
4 practices that will help you stop playing the victim:
1. Clear speech from the passive voice
The passive voice indicates the search for the guilty and shifting responsibility. It is much easier to say “it happened to me, happened, happened” than “I did”. But this is precisely what does not allow a person to get out of the state of the victim. Therefore, the first thing to do is to clear the speech from “-lo” and “-elk” and fill it with affirmatives “I did (a)”, “I decided (a)”, “I chose (a) ".
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2. Stop making excuses
Become the author of your life and take full responsibility for everything that happens to you.
Conduct an experiment - record a conversation with a boss, friend or partner on a dictaphone. Then listen and count how many times you tried to justify yourself and in what cases. Get the excuses down on paper and analyze. The next task is to regularly monitor and stop attempts to justify. Over time, this habit will disappear. nine0005
3. Analyze and draw conclusions
Victims attract trouble like a magnet, but they can only complain and lament. Turn the situation around 180 degrees - analyze every failure and trouble that has happened to you, by all means draw conclusions and make adjustments to your behavior - what to do or what to improve so that the situation does not happen again.
4. Work with confidence and personal boundaries
The issue of self-confidence, high self-esteem, personal boundaries is a long game and will require effort.
And this is what is needed for a person who has decided to no longer be a victim of life's circumstances, but to become the author of his life. Therefore, learn to defend your interests, stop accepting worse conditions or bad service, set goals for yourself and achieve them. Together, these actions will help form your inner core of self-love and self-confidence. nine0005
At first glance, the practices are simple and uncomplicated. But they will require from you, first of all, honesty, willingness to work and time.
There will always be kickbacks and a desire to stop fighting, and the sooner you return to the practices, the sooner you will get rid of the role of the victim. If you feel that you can’t cope on your own, seek help from loved ones, but rather a specialist.
"Karpman's Triangle": what is it and how to get out of it
"Karpman's Triangle" in psychology is a model of relationships between people who play the roles of rescuer, victim and persecutor.
About the "Karpman triangle" in personal relationships and at work, why it is dangerous and how to get out of it - in the material Forbes Life
This psychological and social model of interaction between people was first described by an American psychotherapist, MD and student of Eric Bern transactional analysis) by Stephen Karpman in 1968. Despite the fact that Karpman initially called this scheme the "dramatic triangle", the name of its founder was assigned to it. What is the “Karpman triangle” and why is such a model of human relationships bad? nine0005
Finished reading here
What is Karpman's Triangle?
Stephen Karpman was born in Washington DC, his father was a psychoanalyst who worked in a psychiatric prison hospital, and his mother was a social worker in the psychiatric department of the hospital.
After medical school at Duke University, Karpman discovered in himself a passion for diagrams and theories, which later led him to transactional analysis (a psychological model that describes and analyzes human behavior. - Forbes Life). He became interested in psychiatry, and when he met the creator of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, he began to study with him. In the process of learning, Karpman came up with the idea of a relationship triangle, which was based on the positions of athletes (for example, football players or basketball players) on the field, that is, game formations in which there are attackers and defenders. Karpman successfully applied this diagram to clients, and when he told Bern about it, he replied: “Describe it and people will quote you for the next 200 years.” nine0005
"Karpman's Triangle" is a model of a role-playing game, relationships between people, in which three characters are involved: Rescuer, Persecutor (or Tyrant, Aggressor), Victim, says psychologist-sexologist and hypnotherapist Olga Pantyushina.
- Each role has its own scenario and its own set of characteristics, and together all three participants form a single destructive mechanism in which their childhood traumas, anxieties and psychological attitudes coincide like cogwheels. The wheels are spinning, the music is playing, each participant is doing their part.” nine0005
According to Karpman's theory, in interaction people can be involved in one of the roles of the triangle, and the roles and the scheme itself have been familiar to mankind for a long time.
“The scheme of relationships, which we know as the “Karpman triangle”, appeared together with humanity. Well, or a little later, says Ekaterina Brost, a psychologist and Gestalt therapist. “Now no one can say for sure when people started playing this dramatic game, which definitely does not add happiness to life and makes people play the same way.
” nine0005
Olga Pantyushina explains the behavior in the triangle with her childhood experience. “For example, a child was made a constant victim through hyper-custody, that is, the depreciation of his capabilities and his strength: “Let me do it for you!” or “Let's help!”, when, in general, no one asked for help. And the child learns this behavior,” says the expert. In this example, the child is the Victim and the mother is the Rescuer. At the same time, the Rescuer does not always have enough resources, strength, and when there are few of them, and it is just the right time to save, the mother can switch to the Chaser. “For example, in the morning a child is going to the garden and, since everything is usually done for him, he does not have a clear organization, he is infantile and follows his desires. Instead of dressing, he plays. Mom comes, starts to dress him (saves), he spins, and now she raises her voice at him (chases), the child cries (goes even more into the Victim), or maybe even hit her or throw a toy (he becomes the Chaser, and mom goes to the victim).
Then remorse occurs, the mother is seized with a sense of shame, and she again turns on the Rescuer: “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you are my baby, let me help you get dressed,” Pantyushina says. nine0005
Related material
Three roles: Victim, Rescuer, Aggressor
Victim is the main figure in the "Karpman triangle", because it is she who launches this scheme: provokes the Aggressor and looks for the Defender.
One of the characteristic signs of the Victim's behavior is that most of the time she complains about life's difficulties and insurmountable obstacles, but does not look for solutions and opportunities, says Pantyushina.
The Victim by his actions "invites" the Tyrant to punish or accuse her, and the Savior - to protect, notes the gestalt therapist Brost.
At the same time, the Victim is not as helpless as it might seem at first, especially if you remember how quickly it can move into any other role: Aggressor or Defender. “The role of the sufferer is necessary for a person in order to displace the aggression that he cannot accept in himself and with which he is filled,” says Brost. “The victim does not recognize, denies that he has sufficient resources to cope with the challenges that life throws at him.” A person who for the most part chooses the role of the Victim in life always has a lot of complaints, claims, and discontent. He seeks to belittle his dignity and abilities, criticizes himself and blames everyone around for his own problems. “Often the Victim asks for advice, but does not use it. For example, she will say that she is experiencing problems at work due to the fact that the boss is a tyrant. On the advice received from the outside to leave work, a person can easily find an excuse, they say, who needs him in a new job or that he cannot change his place due to some other reasons (loans, responsibility to the family, etc.
) ” . nine0005
A person who is included in the dramatic triangle as an Aggressor (Tyrant, Persecutor) also has a feeling that he cannot recognize and represses - vulnerability. He transfers it to the Victim and thus becomes the Aggressor, says Brost: "I do not recognize my weakness, you cannot be weak, therefore I attack the weak." The tyrant is very vulnerable inside, she adds.
“The persecutor confuses verbal violence with force,” says Olga Pantyushina. - He is characterized by such statements as "You can never!", "You are not given." By his behavior, open aggression and attack, he reinforces his own convictions that verbal coercion and violence cannot be dispensed with. For example, when explaining domestic violence, an abusive husband may sincerely believe that it is his “duty” to teach his wife a lesson.” nine0005
The one who most often chooses the role of the Rescuer displaces his own impotence and devalues the Victim and his abilities in order to cope with the situation.
For the Rescuer, his role is an opportunity to feel and show his significance and value. “The Rescuer says to the Victim: “I know what you need! It will definitely help you!” Brost says. At the same time, the Rescuer condemns the Tyrant for his aggression.
Another characteristic feature of the Rescuer is his dedication to the process, his maximum involvement, Pantyushina adds. “More than half of all the work Rescuers do for others, even if they are not asked to do it,” she says. nine0005
As a result, everyone gets their own benefits: The Victim shifts responsibility for his life to the Rescuer, he shows his strength and reproaches the Tyrant, who, in turn, confirms the idea that the Victim cannot do anything on his own.
Related material
Where these roles play
Karpman's triangle can be found absolutely everywhere, but, as psychologists note, it most often manifests itself in so-called dysfunctional families, for example, where one of the parents (or both) suffer from alcoholism.
The drama triangle is excellently manifested in co-dependent relationships, when one of the partners is pathologically included in the other and does not see life without him, and the latter, in turn, may suffer from some kind of addiction (for example, drug addiction or gambling). nine0005
Most often, people tend to take the position of the Victim or the Rescuer, while the Tyrant is the least popular role. Often a person tends to play the most familiar roles, the ground for which is formed in disharmonious situations already in early childhood. Everyone has their own trigger - a hook on which they fall. At the same time, there are mechanisms for shifting roles that help maintain control over the situation and maintain a toxic manipulation scheme. In other words, Karpman's Triangle is a long, if not endless, game. nine0005
If the person playing the role of the Victim does not have people around who are ready to save or persecute him, he will definitely change the situation in order to find other “players”.
“Such people literally need to be “hooked”, to start a conflict. They are looking for someone with whom they can play this game,” says Pantyushina. We all occasionally meet people who tend to complain rather than solve problems. And they are the Victims, and they hunt the Rescuers and the Persecutors!” nine0005
The drama triangle can also be found in work groups, and even in the line at the checkout in the store, psychologists assure. The manifestation of this scheme can be found in any human relationship, in any communication, and even within one person. “To go through all the roles, the presence of another person is not necessary. Each of us has subpersonalities and the transition from one role to another can be within the framework of these subpersonalities,” notes Brost. The transition from role to role can be very fast, but you can also get stuck in one of the positions. “Example: now I’m scolding myself with the last words (I’m showing the Tyrant), for example, because I ate fried potatoes at night,” the Gestalt therapist explains.
- In a minute I feel weak and unhappy, because I can not resist the temptations and gaining extra weight (falling into the Victim). And then I think what to do? How to “save” yourself in this situation (Rescuer): buy some magic pills for appetite or for burning fat, swear on a cookbook that this was the last time you ate at night? nine0005
Another variant of manifestation of the Rescuer is to explain to oneself that the manifestation of this kind of willpower is to bring oneself to stress, that is, if you want to eat potatoes at night, then it is better not to deny yourself this. In this way, a person justifies his weakness and recognizes his own inability to show his will and cope with the situation. This is explained by the fact that the Rescuer, even if it is our subpersonality, always considers the Victim weak-willed and weak, the expert notes.
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How to get out of the “Karpman triangle”
The drama triangle cannot be found where people have a sufficiently high level of awareness, are ready for direct dialogue and avoid manipulation: both in their address and in relation to other people, the gestalt therapist notes.
At the same time, getting out of the “Karpman triangle” is a long process.
To get out of the drama triangle on your own, you need to understand that you are in it and what role you have chosen. “The door to the exit from the game is the realization that it exists,” says Olga Pantyushina. - This is not as banal as it seems, because most often this game is played unconsciously. Further, there may be special techniques. When everyone is aware, we apply the principles of the "winner's triangle" of the Australian psychotherapist Eisi Choi. This concept is the antithesis of the Karpman diagram that replaces each role: the Persecutor becomes Confident, the Protector becomes Caring, and the Victim becomes Vulnerable. Thanks to the mechanisms Choi described, a person copes with his own unexpressed feelings and does not behave according to a known pattern. nine0005
Ekaterina Brost also notes the importance of understanding that a person is drawn into a dramatic triangle.
“Track this moment when you are “invited” there. You can do it through your own feelings,” she says. - For example, you may want to humiliate a person in the role of the Victim. You may be tempted to start blaming and criticizing (“You are a fool for losing this job”, “You should have thought before giving money to this bank”). Then you become the Aggressor. If you feel this happening, just step back, don't get involved. Tell yourself that you have no right to judge and blame anyone, and everyone has the right to make a mistake. nine0005
You can recognize the Rescuer in yourself if you wish to decide everything for the person, reminds the Gestalt therapist. For example, a friend has lost his job and complains about a difficult financial situation, and you, like a real friend, begin to help him with the search: throw links to vacancies, call familiar managers who would help him get settled, Brost explains. And then you may notice a strange thing: your friend will begin to reject all your proposals, explaining this with various reasons, and you feel that you are included in his situation almost more than he himself.
Next is the classic scheme - you will feel angry and annoyed at a friend (go into the role of a Tyrant) or be offended that he did not appreciate your efforts (you will enter the role of a Victim). nine0005
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“If you feel like you're entering the Rescuer state, remind yourself that the other person is old enough to handle the challenge,” Brost advises. - You can help when you are asked to do so and to the extent necessary and to what extent you yourself see fit. Ask the person, “How can I help you?” or “Do you need my help? Which?". He may respond that he does not need help or does not know what help he needs. This is his right, and when necessary, he will turn to you. nine0005
Things are more complicated with the Victim, psychologists say, because in this state there are a lot of secondary benefits for him.
