Mindful anger management

Here are some other ways of managing your feelings of anger:

• Be mindful of the thought patterns that feed your anger. These include:

  • Over-generalizing by using sentences like "You always ignore me" or "You never respect me." Watch out for these absolutes. Be specific instead.

  • Mind-reading by thinking you know what the other person is thinking, such as "I know you think I nag you too much." Chances are you're not trained in ESP! Try to avoid making assumptions like this.

  • Blaming others for your own anger with thoughts like "You always make me angry" or "It’s all their fault." Instead, take responsibility for your anger.

• Practice mindful physical exercise. By exercising regularly, you build up a greater resilience to stress. This may dissipate some of your anger. By exercising mindfully, you simultaneously build up your mindfulness muscles too, leading to greater levels of awareness and less reactive, automatic-pilot behavior.

• Connect with your senses. Listen to the sounds around you or listen mindfully to some music. Smell some of your favorite, calming scents. Have a shower or bath and connect with the sensations on your skin.

• Question your reaction. Ask yourself questions like "Is this worth it?", "Is this important in the big picture?", and "How else can I respond in this situation?"

Use mindful attitudes to cool the flame of anger

Mindfulness groups sometimes use the acronym RAIN as a mindful way of dealing with emotions:

• Recognize that a strong emotion is present.

  Often, you can easily be swept up by the emotion itself, and immediately begin acting on it. Emotions can be such an integral part of who you are that you don’t give the feeling due credit. Begin with recognition of the emotion. Don't let the tidal wave wash you away before you identify it!

• Accept that the emotion is there.

  With strong emotions, sometimes the natural reaction is to pretend the feeling isn’t really present. In this step, you accept that in this precise moment, you’re experiencing anger. You aren’t being passive and giving in to the feeling. If you don’t accept what’s here now, you can’t hope to manage the emotion in any way.

• Investigate thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations.

  In this third step, observe what’s going on in your mind, heart, and body. What thoughts are running through your head? What feelings are you mindful of? What areas of your body feel tense, or burning, or warm, or relaxed? Where is the core of the emotion located exactly, and what effect does a sustained mindful awareness have on the physical aspect of your experience?

• Non-identification with the passing emotion.

  Emotion has the word motion in it. Emotions are always moving, fluxing, and changing. This final step is to try to distance yourself and create a space between you and your emotion. The emotion is more likely to do what emotions do quite naturally, which is to keep moving. Anger comes and goes, but you don’t come and go — you’re always here.

About This Article

This article can be found in the category:

• Mindfulness ,

How to Use Mindfulness for Anger Management

Note: This article is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any medical conditions and is not a substitute for consulting with your personal healthcare professionals.

It happens in a flash: One moment you're driving along feeling fine, and the next, you see red, your heart starts pounding, energy surges down your arms, and you begin hurling insults at the driver of the car that just cut you off.

You’ve been hijacked by anger.

Whether anger rises abruptly in a fiery explosion or burns slowly over time, it can effectively take over.

Employing mindfulness can help you manage angry feelings and protect you (and others) from their most damaging effects.

What is Anger, and What Causes It?

Anger is a psychophysiological response to perceived threat or danger.

But it’s also a complex emotion, one that can be triggered by thoughts or circumstances that may not be actual threats but that still trigger an angry response.

Anger is also often tied up with other emotions, such as hurt, guilt, or shame, and linked to underlying conditions such as anxiety or depression.

You might feel angry because you're lonely.

Anger may mask unresolved hurt.

Sometimes, anger emerges when our values or personal boundaries have been violated.

Your anger trigger may be witnessing injustice in the world.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger

What is true is that you’re not wrong for feeling anger. We are responsible for how we express and act on our anger, but feeling it in the first place is not a flaw.

Anger, in fact, is a vital emotion that can motivate us to act. Social movements are typically sparked by anger that “This isn’t right.”

And anger can be a catalyst to make personal changes in response to something that isn’t working for you.

These are examples of healthy anger: You witness or experience something that doesn’t feel right, anger stirs, and you channel that energy into a response that has a better trajectory.

Unhealthy anger is a different story.

When anger causes you to explode in fury, you may experience relief, but the wake of that angry outburst can have far-reaching consequences for our relationships, our health, and how we get along in the world.

If anger is chronic or all-consuming, over time it can negatively impact your social, mental, and physical well-being.

What Anger Does to the Body

When the brain registers “anger,” the stress response is activated—an instantaneous fight-flight-or-freeze reaction that prepares you to face a perceived threat:

• Digestion slows as blood is redirected to your muscles
• Heart rate, blood pressure, and blood sugar levels spike
• Hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, flood your body
• An increase in blood oxygen and glucose to the brain provides short-term hyperfocus

These physical changes help us deal with danger, and the body is equipped to manage them. When we perceive that we are safe, the body naturally comes back into balance.

The trouble begins when anger doesn’t recede and we remain on high alert. Some of the health concerns associated with chronic or unchecked anger include:

• Anxiety
• Migraine
• Diabetes
• Depression
• Heart disease
• Eating disorders
• Slower wound healing
• Increased risk of stroke, including brain aneurysm

Anger can also be addictive, creating an adrenaline-fueled sense of power and invincibility and forming a hopped-up habit loop whenever you perceive a slight, feel inconvenienced, or experience any circumstance that you don’t like. Anger management training is often used to control anger caused by an addictive response.

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How Mindfulness Helps With Anger

Mindfulness meditation helps calm the part of the brain that controls emotional regulation, making angry outbursts less common. It also strengthens the area of the brain responsible for executive functioning, giving us access to a wider range of cognitive tools and responses in any situation.

Meanwhile, regular mindfulness practice can quell the rumination that often fuels anger. By keeping attention in the present moment, instead of dwelling on the past or anticipating the future, mindfulness helps redirect attention away from repetitive thoughts and storylines that make us angry.

And there’s this: When we meditate, we allow thoughts and feelings to rise and pass, without judging them or needing to hold on to them. In this way, mindfulness meditation helps us to see that feelings are often transitory, changing on their own when we don’t identify with them so strongly.

Practicing mindfulness cultivates a more relaxed state overall, where even normally upsetting circumstances are less likely to trigger us. It’s like there’s a buffer between the upset and us: We recognize something isn’t right and we may feel anger rising, but instead of flying into rage, we control anger by holding a broader awareness of the situation, checking in with ourselves, and choosing how to best respond.

Deep-Dive Talks

Vidyamala Burch

How Do I Work With Anger?

Talk · 19 mins

How to Use Mindfulness to Cope with Anger

One of the best ways to deal with anger is to recognize it. Trying to suppress your anger or push it away isn’t helpful. It’ll only make it stronger and more likely to show up elsewhere.

So, acknowledge it. You might even say, “Anger is here.” Naming an emotion helps us to be with that emotion instead of being controlled by it.

Next, slow down. Take a few deep breaths, exhaling audibly out your mouth.

Focus on your body. Are you sitting or standing? Where are your hands? Tune into any physical sensations, such as heat or pulsing. Maybe your jaw is tight or your breathing is fast and shallow. Just notice what’s there.

If you’re sitting, you might stand up and move a bit. If you’re standing, shake out your arms and walk around. Moving your body will help discharge some of the energy.

As your heart rate and breathing begin to slow down—signs that the stress response is receding—see if you can explore your anger. This isn’t a deep psychological exploration, but a curiosity. Sometimes just underneath anger is another emotion, such as fear, frustration, or shame. Just notice what’s present.

Offer yourself a moment of compassion. You’re not “wrong” for having anger. There’s a reason you feel the way you do, perhaps a very good reason.

And know that by taking these steps you are already working to overcome anger and to channel these strong feelings in a healthy way:

In pausing, breathing deeply, and slowing down, you are disrupting the stress response.
And you’re giving yourself an opportunity to determine how things go from here.

Take another deep breath. Check in again. Where is anger now? Has it shifted or changed in any way?

Consider what you might do next. Here are some ideas:

• If you need more time, give that to yourself and let others know you’re not ready to talk.
• Check in with your body. Do you feel hungry, tired? Can you attend to your physical needs?
• Burn off excess energy by going on a run or hitting some golf balls.
  Write about your feelings.
• From this more spacious perspective, you may realize that you need to take action. What might it be?

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Frequently Asked Questions

Does Mindfulness Reduce Violence & Aggression?

Why Does Meditation Make Me Angry?

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5 techniques for managing anger

There are no good or bad emotions and feelings, have you ever thought about it? As soon as we stop dividing everything into “good-bad, remove-leave”, it will become easier for us to manage our states.

In the management of emotions, one can be guided by the “principle of consequences”. Think about what actions follow emotions? How do your emotional outbursts end? What do you and the people around you gain from the manifestation of emotions, and what do you lose?

Are you satisfied with the consequences of emotions and feelings that are vividly manifested at important moments in your life? Do I need to change something in their manifestation in order to get different, more environmentally friendly results? nine0003

Any of our emotions can have both positive and negative results. So joy can be too big and devastating to make important decisions. And sadness is “bright”, motivating us, for example, to take timely actions.

Anger is most often destructive, because we do not know how to control its energy and use it for good. Such a blessing can be obtaining the results we need.

Remember what kind of power turns on inside when we experience anger? Just a wave that almost instantly pours out on those around you, who may not have anything to do with your emotions. We can do things that we will later regret for a long time. nine0003

What if we notice and realize in time that we are starting to get angry? And to direct the energy that appears to useful actions, you can get positive consequences from your anger. So, five ideas and techniques for managing anger.

1. Asking questions to become aware

In the moment of an outburst of anger, it is important to be aware of what exactly is happening to you. To do this, learn to ask yourself questions, to conduct a kind of internal dialogue.

• Ask yourself what information does this emotion convey? nine0022
• What does your anger say?
• What actually happens in this situation?
• What exactly "turns you on" in another person's behavior?

Yes, it's not easy, when you get into an emotional wave, slow down and remember the questions. The method that we are taught from childhood - "count to 10" can help here. As soon as you start to emotionally turn on, count, and then ask yourself a question.

2. Understand to control

Examine your anger, and it is best when you are not feeling it. This will help you understand that there is a reason for everything and that almost everything can be changed. nine0003

• Think about what provokes your anger. What factors trigger anger most often?
• What needs are not met and you get emotionally turned on?
• What fears are behind your anger? Are they real? If yes, how to deal with them?

3. Reduce the emotional degree

Imagine a scale on which our emotional states are located. Anger is its extreme manifestation, and what stands before it? Irritation, indignation, annoyance, anger? nine0003

Learn to notice your emotional temperature when it has not yet jumped to the "anger" mark. Feel annoyance - do not suppress, but show it. Outraged - say so! Someone's actions cause annoyance - react.

It is very correct to verbalize your state, then your interlocutor will be aware of what is happening:

• “I am starting to get annoyed, therefore…”
• "Such words revolt me, come on. .."

Most likely, the conflict will be avoided, as well as your outburst of anger. nine0003

4. Give vent to anger without suppressing it

Express your emotions in a safe way.

• Speak up. Retreat and tell yourself everything you think about the situation or the people who caused the anger. Record your words on the recorder, when you listen to the recording in a calm state, you will find a lot of useful things.
• Run, dance or jump. Release energy through the body - this is one of the best ways to release anger.
• Beat a pillow, or better a punching bag. The accumulated blows have not interfered with anyone in life. nine0022

5. Exercise resilience

Anger can be habituated, reacted to or dealt with. And if you reduce your sensitivity to them? What can help with this?

• Diary of emotions. Constantly keep a record of what makes you angry (anger, annoyance). Knowing the main triggers and pain points makes it easier to work with your reactions.
• Rest and mode of life. A burnt out and exhausted person "turns on" to any little thing. Learn to relax, put things in order in your life with the help of planning. And you will become more resistant to the stresses that accompany us all. nine0022
• Work with the body. For emotional and psychological stability, it is necessary to have energy reserves. Nutrition, physical activity, breathing exercises, massage - all this will help to accumulate and properly spend energy.

Managing your anger, like any other emotion, is difficult. But if you want and make an effort, anything is possible!

Photo: Pixabay.com

How to consciously manage anger 💥 and use it for your own good

Contents of the article

• 1 Self-aggression: why do we destroy ourselves?
• 2 Key causes of self-aggression
• 3 How to stop self-destruction?
• 4 6 myths about anger
• 5 Myth 1. If you actively express your anger, you will become less angry
• 6 Myth 2. Anger is a destructive emotion
• 7 Myth 3. If you feel angry, distract or take a break
• 8 Myth 4. Anger will help us achieve what we want
• 9 Myth 5. A thorough study of the past will help you get rid of anger
• 10 Myth 6. Your anger is provoked by events around you
• 11 Why do we get angry?
• 12 8 Steps to Conscious Anger Management

We encounter anger everywhere. And at the same time, few of us know how to consciously manage it. Mostly we choose one of the destructive behaviors: either we suppress it, or unconstructively splash it out on others. nine0003

But there is a third option, which allows not only to live anger in an ecological way, but also to use it for good deeds. In today's article, we will consider with you the nature of the origin of anger, the main misconceptions about this emotion. And also find out how to express it in a healthy way.

Anger is a relatively short-term emotion expressed in protest against a person, his actions or some event. This is the basic emotion that arises in us at the moment of danger. It mobilizes a person's resources and makes him ready for self-defense. Anger prompts us to take active actions aimed at changing the object that causes discontent in us. nine0003

Anger is a strong emotional nervous reaction to some event. But unlike anger, which is aimed at self-defense, anger is expressed in the desire to cause harm. Also, for anger, as opposed to anger, a motor manifestation (gestures, uncontrolled trembling, etc.) is more characteristic than verbal and mimic. And if anger, despite the high intensity, remains manageable, then anger is an impulsive reaction.

Aggression (from the Latin aggressiō - "attack") - destructive behavior aimed at inflicting physical or psychological harm, up to the destruction of the object of aggression. nine0003

There are several types of aggression, among which one of the most common is auto-aggression.

Auto-aggression - conscious or unconscious aggressive actions directed by a person at himself.

As a feeling, it is a pathology, since in fact it contradicts human nature. After all, each of us has an instinctive desire for life. Aggression directed by a person at himself leads to self-destruction. Not without reason, translated from English, auto-aggression means a turn against oneself. nine0003

At the mental level, self-aggression is manifested by self-accusation, self-abasement, obsessive thoughts about one's own inferiority. At the level of actions - causing physical harm directly and indirectly (cuts, suicide attempts, anorexia). Some forms of auto-aggression may even be encouraged by society. For example, workaholism, which is actually an unhealthy form of social activity. Because the workaholic unconsciously leads himself to physical, emotional and psychological destruction. nine0003

In psychoanalysis, auto-aggression is seen as a defense mechanism. None of our emotions can go unnoticed. She always finds a way to show up. But when a person, for some reason, cannot direct an aggressive impulse to an external object, because of which it arose, he redirects it to himself. Thus, the psyche tries to solve the problem on an emotional level.

There are 3 main reasons why we habitually suppress aggression:

1. The target of aggression is of high importance. Fear of not getting love makes it impossible to openly express your emotions
2. Social censure - “I can’t express aggression, because everyone will know about it and I will be condemned”
3. Aggression is directed to a person who is not around or to a past situation

At least 3 components are necessary for the emergence of auto-aggression:

1. The presence of an internal conflict
2. A traumatic situation that served as a trigger for the activation of a protective behavior model. The reason for it is the same internal conflict
3. Negative feedback - unjustified expectations, an increase in the level of tension and a high need to resolve the internal conflict. nine0022

Key causes of self-aggression

Acute guilt

One of the most common causes of self-destructive behavior.

Guilt as a kind of manipulation. It is often used for educational purposes, as it is the easiest way to get a child to do something. Guilt dictates to a person that he is bad. And it must be done exactly as the injured party says. After all, only in this way will he atone for his guilt. Already as an adult, a woman who was brought up with the help of guilt, duty, shame will be forced to constantly make excuses for her desires. After all, inside she feels bad and unworthy of happiness, but only punishment. nine0003

People close to us do not always instill a sense of guilt. This also happens in the case when, due to our childish egocentricity, we consider ourselves to be guilty of all the troubles. We take on someone else's responsibility for circumstances that are really beyond our control. For example, divorce of parents or quarrels in the family.

Beliefs of insufficiency

The reason for the occurrence is the excessive expectations of parents for the child. If parents expect only brilliant successes everywhere and always, and the child is not able to justify their hopes, then he begins to experience aggression against his own personality. The child feels not good enough and in the future he punishes himself for poor performance. nine0003

One form of deficiency is perfectionism, which can take very serious forms. A perfectionist sets himself goals that are obviously impossible and subsequently begins to blame himself for not achieving his goals.

Serious trauma in the past associated with psychological or sexual abuse

Abuse leads to a change in mental response to the perception of pain. A woman develops an attitude: “If this happened to me, then I am bad and fully deserved the punishment.” If you do not provide timely psychological assistance, then this can lead to dramatic consequences. nine0003

Neurotic adherence to ideology

Excessive fascination with religion, esotericism, various food systems sometimes encounters an inability to comply with prohibitions. Strict requirements and the need to regularly fulfill them creates internal tension. When it reaches a critical point, the person simply breaks down and violates all austerities. An endless circle is launched: self-hatred for misbehavior, toughening of the regime, another violation and subsequent punishment in the form of new prohibitions. nine0003

Dissatisfaction with life

Self-destructive behavior is formed when it is impossible to openly respond to unacceptable demands, conflicts, prohibitions, restrictions. Self-punishment allows you to temporarily relieve stress and maintain social relationships (position, relationships, etc.)

Low self-esteem

keep being critical of yourself. After all, there will always be someone more successful, richer, more beautiful. Low self-esteem arises on the basis of destructive beliefs: “I’m somehow not like that,” “Something is wrong with me.” Such a person sees mostly negative aspects in himself and does not notice dignity. The biggest fear is to make a mistake, because of which he will be rejected. Therefore, for the slightest mistake, he severely punishes himself. nine0003

If you do not get rid of auto-aggression in time, it can lead to serious psychosomatic illnesses, depression, mental disorders. And even to death in case of suicide or unconscious creation of an unfortunate situation.

How to stop self-destruction?

Weaken the Inner Parent and grow the Inner Adult

As long as you are led by an authoritarian Inner Parent, you will continue to live in constant pressure, demanding the impossible from yourself. To avoid this, it is important to strengthen the figure of the Inner Adult, which is responsible for the balance between need and want. Start by asking yourself as often as possible each day, “What do I really want?” "What I like?". It is important for you to free yourself from the false obligations that you have placed on yourself and begin to follow joy. nine0003

Increase self-esteem

Consciously pay attention to your own strengths. Mark where you are already well done at the moment, what results you already have. One of the most effective techniques is to keep a success diary. You write down meaningful events every day that highlight your importance and worth.

Stop criticism

Consciously observe your internal dialogue. As soon as you notice that you are starting to devalue yourself, say, “Stop.” And focus your attention on the results you already have. Whatever we are, it is important for us to improve. But do it not out of a state of insufficiency, but out of love and acceptance of yourself as you are now. nine0003

Practicing gratitude

Write down at least 3 thanks every day. This will help you release your scarcity thinking and focus on the good things you have. And it is important, in addition to gratitude to the world, others, situations, be sure to thank yourself. And not only for important decisions or actions, but simply for the fact that you already are!

6 myths about anger

People are most often mistaken about anger. This is because anger and ways to deal with it have rarely been the subject of scientific research. This situation has given rise to a lot of false theories and misconceptions. Today we will consider the most common of them. nine0003

This belief is rooted in psychoanalysis and the hydraulic model of emotions. She agrees that any “negative” feelings become more intense over time. And if you do not throw them out, then they can manifest themselves in the form of psychosomatics, outbreaks of physical or psychological violence.

In fact, the active uncontrolled manifestation of anger only intensifies it. This does not mean that we need to suppress it. We must change our stereotypical behavior patterns and learn how to live this emotion in an ecological way, and not just splash it out on others. nine0003

There are no good or bad emotions. All of them are neutral. Anger, like any other emotion, has the right to be lived, but in an environmentally friendly way.

In fact, anger transforms us and takes us to a new level. When we live with anger, we cleanse ourselves of old worldviews.

Anger is a strong energy that is given to us to protect ourselves. An angry person cannot be manipulated. Therefore, this emotion is one of the most common, which is suppressed in society and even considered indecent. nine0003

Anger is our strength. And only a personally mature conscious person can control this force. Whereas people in an infantile position easily give in to emotions and are not able to control their anger, i.e. they don't own themselves. And the more traumatized a person is, the more aggression is manifested in him. Anger acts as a defensive reaction and is directed in the form of uncontrolled outbursts of rage at others, or turns into auto-aggression.

The main thing for us is to learn how to use anger correctly. Angry with love, and not destroy yourself and relationships with others. A healthy expression of anger is based on respect and love for yourself and the interlocutor. When you openly talk about your feelings, while not humiliating or insulting others. Healthy anger is directed not at destruction, but at creation. You discuss what you don't like not to blame each other. You declare your standards and defend your boundaries to avoid misunderstandings with the interlocutor. You care about your own comfort and sincerely want others to feel comfortable as well. nine0003

This is a great strategy to help us deal with our emotions and avoid conflict situations. And at the same time, such a method provides only temporary relief, since it does not affect the reason that gave rise to them - rigid dogmatic demands on oneself and the world.

When you get away from troubles, they do not dissipate by themselves, but only get worse. When we ONLY use the timeout strategy, we encourage our own infantilism. And the pause in this case is a way to avoid solving issues that are important to us. After all, if we constantly avoid situations and people that upset us, then how will we understand what they are and what is their lesson? It is much more important for us to create a new constructive model of interaction that will take into account the interests of both parties. nine0003

Many people believe that if they do not express their anger, then others will not listen to them, will not respect or consider them. This behavior model is inherent in the role of the Tyrant from the Karpman triangle. In this case, a person is only playing a game, receiving a momentary benefit from the manifestation of anger - a sense of self-worth. Perhaps relatives, colleagues, friends and bow under the psychological pressure of such a person. But this will not be from a sincere desire to help, but from a desire to be freed from overwhelming influence. And in the long run, it will only lead to the destruction of relationships. nine0003

Indeed, it is important for us to identify the initial event that created the anger reaction. And at the same time, dwelling on how badly you were treated in the past is unlikely to help you live a better life now. Therefore, it is important to use a complex method: to heal traumatic events of the past and at the same time work with beliefs that contribute to the emergence of anger. Learn to interact constructively with people in a conflict situation and creatively manage anger. nine0003

If we believe that the sources of our anger are around us, then we can deal with them only if the people around us change. This means that we are setting ourselves up for failure. When we say: “He pissed me off”, “She brought me to the white knee”, then we affirm that not we, but someone else is in power over our feelings and emotions. This is how the person in the role of the Victim thinks. It is habitual for him to shift the responsibility for his emotional state to other people. The only truth is that we cannot change people or events, but we choose our response to them. nine0003

Why do we get angry?

• Low self-esteem and an acute dependence on the approval of other people

Low self-esteem provokes pride. It dictates that others should treat us differently. In this case, a person feels good only if the people around him act in a certain way. Otherwise, we get angry and accuse them of misbehaving. Behind the mask of "saving anger" lies a false belief in one's own "failure". Falling into anger, such people want to prove their strength, exclusivity. Increase your sense of self-worth at the expense of other people. Who needs this self-affirmation? Answer: those who first humiliated themselves. nine0003

• Lack of security

Anger is often provoked by internal restlessness. We think that the feeling of security depends on external circumstances. But it is formed only by us in our inner world. And when we do not have internal supports, we have nothing to rely on, we fall into a panic. For anxious people, in general, life is presented as a series of unrest that must either be drowned out or splashed out on others. Then anger helps us create the illusion that we are doing something when faced with uncomfortable circumstances. We use anger to mask our inner feelings of helplessness and anxiety. nine0003

• This is our habitual reaction to an irritant

When the psyche is imprisoned for anger, there is always a reason. We have experienced in the past when a certain situation triggered an anger response. Since we have not changed our behavior, over time the habit of getting angry at a similar stimulus only strengthens. The stimulus-reaction chain over the years forms strong neural connections, the so-called reflex arc. It makes us react in the usual way to a fixed stimulus, i.e. be angry. nine0003

• Rejection of reality

We get angry when our behavior or the actions of others do not meet our expectations. This is a neurotic infantile form of perception of reality, which is based on a simple formula: “What I don’t like should not be! And what I want or think is right should be!” Such self-defeating demands create a low threshold for frustration in us. When we are convinced of this, then the poor living conditions or the unworthy behavior of people make us angry. A person has a feeling of anger and a desire to take revenge on the offender. After all, he sees the cause of the problem in the world, and not in himself. nine0003

Rejection of reality gives rise to suffering, arguing that any injustice has no right to exist. That's just our subjective opinion. The truth is that there are no good and bad people. We all tend to do different things. And the meaning of life lies in the full acceptance of its any manifestations.

• False belief system

Each of us has developed our own belief system, based on which we form opinions about people and events. Nothing that happens to us has meaning in and of itself. It is we who give meaning to events. nine0003

The way we perceive reality is not exactly our personal views. Much of what we consider good or bad was learned from parents and under the influence of society. Therefore, if we are overly categorical in our beliefs, then our perception of reality is distorted.

The most common beliefs that provoke and intensify anger are:

1. “How terrible it is for me to be this way!”
2. "I can't stand this!"
3. “It shouldn't have happened, I got into terrible trouble because of it!” nine0022
4. “Nothing ever works out the way I want it to. Life is always unfair to me, it shouldn't be like this!”

It is clear that these beliefs are destructive and humiliating for us as individuals. And of course, we could learn these attitudes from childhood. But now they are fueled by us and our decision to leave them in our lives.

• Tendency to catastrophize reality and overgeneralize

Based on the destructive beliefs discussed above, which arise as a result of non-acceptance of oneself and the world. We erase the boundary between the person himself and his act. This makes us think that if someone has done a bad deed, then he himself is bad and deserves our wrath. nine0003

An additional confusion is created by the belief that someone who has done something that we perceive as a bad deed is necessarily a “bad person”. And if a “good person” does something, then by default he can only do good deeds. This prevents us from thinking logically and acting constructively.

By using such words as “horror”, “monstrous”, “unbearable” in relation to events, we thereby exaggerate their significance many times over. We claim that we will definitely not be able to bear it and we blame ourselves and others for what happened. A cocktail of resentment and anger gives rise to a struggle in us against this “injustice”, which manifests itself in anger. nine0003

• Excessive self-criticism and self-criticism

Authoritarian The inner parent does not allow us to go beyond should and must. We heat up goals to the state of vital necessity, turn preferences into demands, and dreams into absolute dictates. After all, excessive demands on others is based on dislike, and sometimes hatred for oneself.

Our internal dialogue becomes tough and filled with aggression towards ourselves. Ultimately, internal tension accumulates and then manifests itself in the form of anger and outbursts of aggression against others. nine0003

• Reciprocal aggression

When we have no internal supports, then any criticism of others in our address causes an instinctive desire to defend ourselves. We begin to defend ourselves, to deny our mistake, even if we are aware of it, because we ourselves are gnawed by guilt. But our vulnerability does not allow us to admit it. Therefore, we begin to blame the interlocutor and look for the slightest flaws in his behavior.

1. Recognize it and accept that it was you who chose this reaction.

Admit to yourself that you have unbalanced yourself. This means that you always have a choice: continue to be angry or stop. Taking responsibility for your anger is the most important step to effectively dealing with it.

2. Allow yourself to experience anger

Choose for yourself any method convenient for you - through a cry, a sound, a picture, a movement, a letter. The main thing is not to leave emotion in the body. nine0003

3. Accept the concept that people have the right to be who they are

Just like you have the right to be who you are. This will free you from false expectations and illusions. Accept the inevitable, act flexibly and wisely, focusing not on dogma, but on reality,

4. Practice relaxation skills in an emergency

Think of two situations in which you usually get irritated. Mentally live them from beginning to end. Be sure to include various important details in them - what you see, smells, sounds, people's words and your own feelings. Feel anger and tension as events unfold. Tune in to how you feel in your body. And then consciously send the signal of relaxation to each muscle group in turn. Once you feel relaxed, go back to the beginning of the scene again. Let the anger arise again, just like the first time. Again, use relaxation techniques. nine0003

Repeat at least 3 times, alternating relaxation with emotions of anger and irritation. Exercise always begin and end with relaxation.

5. Challenging False Beliefs

Anything you believe can be questioned. Use the debating method to identify and neutralize your destructive beliefs.

The most basic critical questions begin with the words: “why”, “how”, “in what way”, “what confirms this idea”. nine0003

For example, you might ask yourself, “Why can't I tolerate this kind of treatment? Can't anything be worse than what happened to me? Is there any evidence that I perceive the situation or the behavior of the person correctly?”

6. Regularly free your heart from resentment

Resentment is a childish reaction. And when it accumulates, it can manifest itself as an outburst of anger and turn into a rage, even if the cause of its occurrence is petty in itself. Therefore, it is so important to track resentment and get rid of it in time. You can use the 5-step forgiveness algorithm for this purpose. nine0003

7. Carefully watch the sensations in the body

The emergence of tension is a sure signal of the emergence of anger. In order not to bring to the level of uncontrollable aggression, already at the initial stage, give yourself the command to relax. Begin breathing slowly, releasing tension with each exhalation.

8. Free yourself from blaming others

When we are angry, we tend to see evil intentions in people's actions. Be careful what qualities and motives you attribute to people. And check to see if they are true. nine0003

To do this, critically rethink your point of view and ask yourself: “Do I really know that they wanted to do this? Maybe they had other reasons why they did this to me? Do I know everything or am I thinking too generally, relying only on some facts known to me?

Anger is a powerful force that can only be controlled by a personally mature person. And anger in and of itself is neither good nor bad. It is like fire: it can give a blessing, but if used ineptly, it burns everything around. Everything we feel, including anger, has a right to exist.

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