Man dont cry

What's the matter?

The moments when a person cries in front of you should be treated with special respect and delicacy. You are asked to participate, your support is needed, you are given serious trust - and everything must be done to justify it.

Our loved ones are very hurt by "don't cry", which they decipher as: "Hurry, stop feeling what you feel, otherwise I'm already exhausted."

In order not to panic at the sight of other people's tears, you need to understand what crying is, what its functions are, and what kind of support is expected from us. nine0005

Anatomy of crying

Sobs. In the first months of life, babies cry without tears - this is their speech, a way to call caring relatives for help and inform them about the sore: wet, hungry, tired. Eliminating discomfort is a matter of survival for a helpless and vulnerable baby. This teenager can get caught in the rain and calmly hang around the city in wet jeans. And the baby perceives wet diapers as a threat to life - no more, no less.

Faced with discomfort, the child's whole body tenses, painfully constricts - and after a few moments is shaking with sobs and sobs. Thus, the baby achieves two goals at once - informs about his trouble and is freed from exhausting muscle tension. nine0005

This is our first experience of crying - sobbing. It expresses deep grief, personal pain and is accompanied by strong sobs and rhythmic waves running through the body. Adults also sob - this is the very crying that (being long enough) relieves the mental pain associated with emotional trauma, gives a physical release. To interrupt this process means to drive the pain inside.

Moaning, wailing. Painfully bitter feelings are manifested not only in the form of sobs. When suffering seems unbearable and endless, weeping takes the form of howls. This is typical for women who are experiencing bereavement. nine0005

Men are generally not capable of making such high-pitched howls. Their way of expressing pain that seems inescapable or unbearably long is groans or moans, sounds of a low timbre. It is interesting that in moaning there is no protest inherent in howls - for them, rather, notes of humility and humility are typical.

Cry. From the age of four months, we have tears - and with them the ability to cry as expected, and not only in those cases when it's dripping or it's time to change the diaper. With tears, we react to disappointment, despair, pain, resentment, sadness, this is our complaint - “why? for what?" nine0005

This is how we accept reality, realize the wounds inflicted on us. Yes, shed tears do not change the traumatic situation, but when we cry, we feel relieved.

Crying with tears is an exclusively human reaction. We are the only living beings who express their empathy through tears. Of course, some animals cry, but, for example, whales secrete fat through the tear ducts, and the well-known crocodile tears do not come from strong emotions, but because the crocodile's body removes excess salt in this manner. nine0005

Why do we say "don't cry"?

1. Because it is hard for us to realize our own impotence . Our early experience is that crying is a plea for help, a sign that the cryer is in serious danger. Our first impulse at the sight of tears of a loved one is to save, but how can you save an adult if his problems are beyond our control, if they are more difficult than a dropped pacifier or a wet diaper?
2. Because we do not understand the object of mourning . It is difficult to sympathize if career passions or the crushing failure of your beloved poodle at a dog show are alien to you. It’s tempting to explain that it’s just ridiculous to kill yourself over such nonsense. nine0048
3. Because it seems to us that if we share someone else's sadness, then honestly, one hundred percent, and we have neither inner strength nor the desire to take on such a burden .

In fact, the best thing we can do for a crying person is to let them cry in a safe and emotionally comfortable environment. It is curious that each gender has its own security requirements.

Men crying

From the moment the obstetrician announces: “You have a boy!”, the poor child falls into the grip of conventions that cost him several years of his life. Men cry 5-7 times less than women. Not because men's life is 5-7 times more fun and cloudless. It’s just that everyone knows: “It’s shameful and indecent for a boy to cry.” nine0005

Even when alone, many men do not dare to release their nervous tension. Unshed tears and suppressed negative emotions in oneself, according to doctors, are a direct path to psychosomatic diseases.

If the relationship in a couple is sincere and warm, and a man is confident enough in himself, sometimes he allows himself to cry in front of a woman. The task of a woman is not to deceive her partner's trust in moments when he is open and especially vulnerable.

How?

First of all, questions and verbosity should be avoided - it is worth expressing sympathy and then limiting yourself to physical contact: hugs, touches.

Secondly, one should not be the first to start a discussion of what happened: “Oh, dear, you know, when you cried yesterday, my heart was breaking!” If a man needs to talk about it, let him start.

Thirdly, a man cries in front of you not so that you rush to help him out - he needs the realization that you are able to accept him both upset, and tired, and sad. You can offer help, but you should not impose it - men do not like to feel guarded. nine0005

Fourth, don't act like his tears are something out of the ordinary. This is a common emotional reaction that will allow a person to more easily survive stress and fatigue.

Women in tears

Traditions allow the weaker sex to cry if they wish, but more and more women prefer to do it alone, hiding from their partner. Why?

Thirty-year-old Sveta returns home after a hard week of work, some kind person got rude to her in the subway. Egor, husband, finds her sobbing in the corner of the sofa and rushes into battle:

• What's wrong, honey?
• So tired... And in the subway, one half-wit pushed me at the door.
• I offered to pick you up!
• Lord, what does this have to do with it?
• So let's get you a driver's license and I'll give you the car.
• Good, - Sveta gets annoyed and continues to sob.
• Well, everything has been decided, why are you upset? Yegor boils.

Sveta gets up and walks offended into another room.

What happened? Sveta needed emotional support from her husband, that is, hugs, compassion, words that would show her that her husband considers her tears justified: “Yes, my poor, yes, my good ... how sorry I am that you are faced with rudeness ... how embarrassing… I will do everything to help you (without details and schedules!)”

Egor saw a problem that needed to be solved rationally. His woman was offended in the subway, let her drive his car, that's an excellent way out, which Yegor offers to Sveta and ingenuously awaits gratitude.

Sveta, having received a rationalization proposal, is flooded more than ever, since no one pities her or strokes her head. Egor starts to get furious, seeing that his care has been neglected.

How to be

At a minimum, a man does not need to challenge a woman's right to tears with peppy statements - “Yes, why are you crying, I don’t understand at all ?!” The maximum is to understand why there is crying, and show respect and sympathy for this. nine0005

Even realizing the healing power of crying, it is not so easy to cope with the temptation to run away, wherever your eyes look, from a room where your loved one is sobbing inconsolably. But true intimacy in a relationship comes when both of you can count on tact, support, and comfort.

You cry, it will get easier... Or won't it? Truth and myths about tears

• Christian Jarrett
• for BBC Future

1 September 2019

nine0005

Image copyright, Getty Images

We used to think that when a person cries, it becomes easier for him: something like catharsis sets in, tears purify the soul and lighten the heart. .. But, on the other hand, crying in public is a sign of weakness, isn't it? ? Researchers claim that both are wrong.

When Theresa May announced her resignation from the post of Prime Minister in Downing Street, it was noticeable: just a little more, and she burst into tears. And this did not fail to note the journalists. Photographs of Mei, barely holding back her tears, hit the front pages of newspapers. nine0005

Observers were quick to point out that the Prime Minister finally showed her human face, shedding her mask of isolation and arrogance. Even many of May's critics admitted that they felt sympathy for her at that moment.

It seems that shedding a tear in front of the TV cameras can be good for a politician's reputation.

But how we perceive such scenes, with sympathy or cynical grin, depends on our own ideas about crying and its consequences for a person. nine0005

These perceptions, psychologists from the University of Queensland (Australia) emphasize, in turn affect how much you tend to cry yourself and how you feel afterwards.

"How often a person cries, how they feel afterwards, and whether it helps them cope with emotional tension, most likely depends on their ideas and expectations associated with crying, social context and past experience," emphasize in a recent study report by Lee Sharman and her colleagues. nine0005

Photo copyright DANIEL SORABJI/AFP/Getty Images

On May 25, the front pages of the British press were filled with photographs of the prime minister on the verge of tears. Some took it sympathetically, some shrugged.

To investigate this connection, Sharman and colleagues invented the first ever standardized crying attitude test.

First, they asked a small group of volunteers a set of open-ended questions such as "What do you think the effects of crying in public might be for you?" nine0005

• Why do we smile when we feel bad
• Why do people learn to cry
• Is it so bad to be British reserved?

Then, based on the responses they received, they created 40 possible statements, such as "crying makes you feel better" or "crying makes you vulnerable. "

After that, two groups of hundreds of volunteers over the Internet assessed for themselves the validity of these statements on a seven-point scale.

Researchers led by Sharmain deduced from their responses three main types of representations of crying:

• Crying alone is good. Those who fall into this category agree with statements like "crying helps me when I'm shocked or overwhelmed by something" or "I know I'll feel better if I cry."
• Crying alone is useless. "After crying, I feel worse when I am alone." "After crying, I feel even worse."
• Crying in public is harmful . "I am ashamed when I cry in front of strangers", "It seems to me that I am judged when I cry in the presence of colleagues at work." nine0048

These are the first results of a systematic study of people's beliefs about the benefits or harms of crying and how they are influenced by various factors such as personality or gender. It is worth noting that these are mainly representations of white people living in the West.

Participants in the study had neither an overtly negative nor overtly positive opinion about crying alone.

But still they were more inclined to disagree with the statement that it is harmful (average result - 2 points, when 0 means completely disagree, and 7 - completely agree with the harmfulness of crying). nine0005

Summarizing the results of the responses, we can say that the participants thought that crying alone is unlikely to harm you and may even be beneficial.

Image copyright James Williamson - AMA/Getty Images

Crying on the sports ground is perceived differently than tears in the meeting room (pictured with British Swansea goalkeeper Lukasz Fabianski after the team's relegation match) from the Premier League

Collective beliefs about the benefits or harms of crying are often based on the stories of others. 0005

For example, American psychologist Randolph Cornelius analyzed 72 popular media articles on crying published over 140 years up until 1985 and found that 94% of them described tears as helpful.

Many well-known scientists and doctors have proclaimed the cleansing benefits of crying.

For example, Henry Maudsley (a famous British psychiatrist, after whom one of the hospitals in south London is named) argued that "sadness, which is not allowed to pour out in tears, can soon make the internal organs cry." nine0005

However, modern researchers generally come to the opposite conclusion: after crying, you often feel even worse, and there is no smell of catharsis. At best, its effect is very moderate.

It is also interesting what happens to us when a sad movie makes us cry. According to some experiments, this greatly worsened the mood of the volunteers.

However, one recent study showed that crying during a sad movie worsens mood only at first, but after an hour and a half, the mood improves significantly. nine0005

In general, the picture that the results of recent research paint for us is this: tears do not lead to catharsis at all, after them we most often do not feel better.

Image copyright, Getty Images

When we see someone cry, we want to support them

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We quickly, simply and clearly explain what happened, why it's important and what's next. nine0005

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What about tears in public? The results for Sharmain were close to the average here too - the participants hesitated and did not want to evaluate crying in the environment of other people too unambiguously.

Indeed, the consequences of tears in public can be different.

For example, one 2016 study found that, in general, whiny employees were considered less competent - especially men (for the purity of the experiment, participants were shown drawings, not real people). nine0005

However, an attempt by the same researchers to replicate the results in the second experiment failed.

In another study, the importance of social context was found: those prone to tears were rated more severely if they were at work and if they were men.

Some studies suggest that women who cry at work are more likely to be seen as weak and manipulative.

Of the others, quite the contrary, it was tearful men who deserved a negative reputation in the team. nine0005

Image copyright, Getty Images

From an early age we are brought up in a certain way regarding the open expression of emotions, and these rules often depend on the sex of the child

It is important to note that women in those studies were generally viewed as less competent employees, no matter how they behaved - even compared to men who allow themselves to shed tears surrounded by work colleagues.

However, crying in public can have its benefits. For example, people instinctively want to emotionally support a crying person - seeing a crying face, we rush to help. This is confirmed by the example of Theresa May. nine0005

Sharmain's study showed interesting differences in how people view tears.

For example, those who were accustomed to trusting their emotions, not being ashamed of them, and relying on the emotional support of others were more likely to think that crying is good - both alone and in public.

Well, those who believe that there is nothing useful in crying and are not very friendly with their emotions, these people do not control them well.

image copyrightAlexander Hassenstein - FIFA/FIFA via Getty Images

Tears are far less cleansing than we might think (pictured is an aged Pele crying at the 2013 Ballon d'Or award ceremony

Sharmain and her colleagues believe there is a link between

"It is possible that those who find crying unacceptable and think that society expects them to behave positively suppress their own emotions, embarrassed by their open expression", she says

Researchers have developed a new scale that will make it easier to find out if this is true.

It is likely that a dynamic relationship is at work here: say, if you are firmly convinced that it is shameful to cry in public, then if this happens to you, this experience will not bring you anything good.

If this hypothesis is confirmed, then it will be quite in the spirit of modern psychology to believe that how these emotions affect you depends on your views on emotions.

For example, people who see benefit in a bad mood suffer less from it when it happens to them.

Of course, we should be careful when we try to understand the thoughts and state of another person, but perhaps Theresa May's usually reserved manner is due to her own negative attitude towards the display of emotions in public.

Perhaps Theresa May learned from her sympathetic reaction to her emotional farewell speech that this kind of openness has its benefits. But it was too late to save her political career. nine0005

"It may very well be," Sharmain writes, "that attitudes toward crying change throughout life as a person experiences various social and interpersonal consequences of crying and draws appropriate conclusions for himself.

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