Severe trust issues

Trust Issues: Signs to Look For

Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors

Trust is the reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. Trust is essential to the development of healthy, secure, and satisfying relationships. Although there has been significant research on the subject, relatively little is known about how and why interpersonal trust develops, how it’s maintained, and how it unravels when betrayed.

Any relationship depends on trust in order to exist. However, sometimes that trust isn’t as genuine or as honest as it should be. If one or both partners questions the other’s activities, words, or actions, a lack of trust can form. This leads to problems called trust issues.

What Are Trust Issues?

Individuals with lower levels of trust — or trust issues — tend to monitor and occasionally test their partner’s degree of support and responsiveness in their relationship. When a relationship lacks trust, it allows for the potential development of harmful thoughts, actions, or emotions, such as negative attributions, suspicion, and jealousy. Over time, this can lead to bigger problems, such as emotional or physical abuse.

Trust issues can also be linked with:

Depression
Adjustment disorders (difficulty dealing with certain stresses)
Anxiety
Fear of abandonment
Attachment issues
Post-traumatic stress
Schizophrenia

Signs of Trust Issues

Here are some of the signs and symptoms to watch out for:

Don’t Believe What Other People Say

Individuals with trust issues have a tendency to “fact check” what others tell them. Even if there's no reason to doubt the honesty of their partner, friend, or even colleague, they don’t take what they say as truth unless they confirm it themselves.

Always Expect the Worst

If someone expects their loved ones to betray them — even if the people in question never have before — they may have trust issues. A lack of trust may lead to suspicion of other people’s motives and behavior.

Keep People at a Distance

Someone with trust issues may not be eager to open up or get close to others, even if they long for deep and meaningful relationships. They may have trouble letting themselves go, being vulnerable, and/or being physically intimate.

Jealous Behaviors

Romantic jealousy is considered a complex combination of thoughts (i.e., cognitive jealousy), emotions (i.e., emotional jealousy), and behaviors (i.e., behavioral jealousy) that result from a perceived threat to one’s romantic relationship.

Cognitive jealousy represents a person’s rational or irrational thoughts, worries, and suspicions concerning a partner’s faithfulness, whereas emotional jealousy refers to a person’s feelings of upset in response to a jealousy-evoking situation. Behavioral jealousy involves detective/protective measures a person may take, such as going through their partner’s belongings or looking through their text messages or emails.

Research examining an individual’s motives for engaging in “snooping” behavior also found trust to be an important factor. Specifically, individuals who perceived that their partners disclosed less personally relevant information to them were more likely to engage in snooping behavior, especially when they reported lower levels of trust.

Together, these findings indicate that distrust is an important determinant in experiencing and expressing jealousy. This study aims to further refine this association by examining trust and jealousy in the context of attachment theory.

Dealing With Trust Issues

If you or your loved one is showing signs of trust issues, you’re not alone — and there are ways to build trust, which may help strengthen romantic, platonic, and familial relationships and improve your sense of well-being.

Some ways to address trust issues include:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help people get to the root of their trust issues. CBT is a type of talk therapy. Its practitioners believe that thoughts influence behavior. In CBT, a person talks to a health professional about his or her problems.

A therapist using CBT might help someone with trust issues learn new ways of thinking to combat their negative feelings, help people separate past problems from future fears, and gain confidence to rebuild trust in existing relationships.

Rebuilding Trust

There are four general factors to enhancing trust in a close relationship:

Honesty and integrity
Nondefensiveness
Understanding
Direct communication

If your friend, partner, or loved one has trust issues, strive to be more honest and transparent in all your personal interactions, learn to be less defensive in communicating with them, accept and appreciate the differences between you and them, and be straightforward in asking for what you want from your relationship. In doing so, you’ll both feel more open to loving and being loved — and trusting one another.

Do I have trust issues? Getting over trust issues in a relationship

Trust issues are characterized by fear of betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation. And this fear is often triggered as a result of betrayal (such as infidelity), abandonment (think: leaving a child or foregoing a relationship with them), or manipulation (for example, dishonesty or gaslighting).

If you’re reading this, it’s possible that someone you trusted — a partner, a parent, or even a doctor — mistreated you or let you down. And as a result, you struggle to trust others. Or, in other words, you have trust issues.

Many people can pinpoint the event or relationship in question, but others struggle. And most (if not all) struggle to overcome their trust issues. However, it isn’t impossible. If you’re struggling with trust issues, you can work to trust again by following a few steps. But first, let’s start from the beginning: What exactly is trust?

What Is Trust?

Trust is the belief in the reliability and truth of another person. It’s how we subjectively measure the integrity and honesty of others — those who can be counted on to do what is right. However, sometimes we aren’t certain who to trust, how much to trust, and when not to trust.

What Are Trust Issues and What Are the Signs of Trust Issues?

To recap what we said earlier: When someone has trust issues, they have an extremely difficult time trusting others — and often because someone has betrayed their trust in the past. Here are additional signs and symptoms of trust issues:

They assume betrayal. Those with trust issues assume someone has betrayed their trust even if they have no rightful reasoning.
They anticipate betrayal. People with trust issues often assume someone will betray them soon enough, despite how honest they have been in the past.
They’re overly protective. Those with trust issues are usually very protective of their loved ones, out of fear that they will become disloyal.
They distance themselves from others. People with trust issues decide it’s best to limit their relationships to avoid betrayal or abandonment.
They avoid commitment. No matter how much they care for someone, people with trust issues refuse to commit.
They refuse to forgive (even the smallest mistakes). Those with trust issues are quick to make a big deal out of nothing — it’s the end of the world if someone makes the slightest mistake.
They’re excessively wary of people. People with trust issues are extremely cautious and suspicious of everyone they meet.
They feel lonely or depressed. Those with trust issues isolate themselves from others and feel lonely or depressed as a result.

What Causes Trust Issues?

Earlier, we said that trust issues are often caused by an act of betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation. But what are the most common examples of these wrongdoings that lead to trust issues?

Infidelity: Again, infidelity is an example of betrayal that can trigger trust issues. Many people view this as the ultimate form of betrayal. While it’s possible to repair a relationship after infidelity, often the relationship ends and the victim of the infidelity develops trust issues, which impact future relationships.
Manipulation or mistreatment: If a past partner or loved one manipulated or mistreated you, you’re also at an increased risk for trust issues. Examples include dishonesty, gaslighting, passive-aggressive behavior, and keeping you isolated from others.
Childhood trauma: Adverse experiences in childhood are also likely to cause trust issues. Examples include abuse or abandonment (by one or more caregivers).
Other forms of trauma: Trauma later in life can also lead to trust issues. For example, you might struggle to trust healthcare professionals because of a firsthand or secondhand traumatic experience with a previous doctor. Think: Getting misdiagnosed with a serious illness.
Parental divorce or conflicts: If you have divorced parents, you may also be more likely to develop trust issues, especially in your romantic relationships. On the other hand, if your parents argue(d) a lot and you’ve witnessed an up and down relationship, you might’ve developed trust issues as a result.

Once someone experiences a betrayal, their trust issues may impact their ability to avoid internalizing that experience—they may blame themselves, and feel less confident in the future. This can impact their ability to trust because they may feel “undeserving”, and instead of fostering a healthy connection, a person with trust issues may be constantly on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.

The Importance of Trust in Romantic Relationships

In most cases, our romantic relationships suffer the most from our trust issues — whether they’ve resulted from betrayal in a former romantic relationship or not. Why? Intimate relationships are based on honesty and openness. The trust that partners have in each other is the glue that binds the relationship, providing a positive emotional connection that’s rooted in affection, love, and loyalty.

A common cause of trust issues is infidelity. If a partner in a relationship has an affair, the deception and betrayal of trust can be more damaging than the actual affair. The lying erodes the belief in the other person, and the reality is that the partner has another aspect of their life that they’ve kept secret. A person who didn’t develop trust as a child will feel especially vulnerable to infidelity and deception by somebody they loved.

Is Having Trust Issues a Mental Illness?

Having trust issues as a singular issue isn’t a mental illness. However, it can be indicative of an actual mental health condition, particularly:

Anxiety disorders, especially PTSD
Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
Paranoid personality disorder (PPD)
Bipolar disorder I or II

These conditions may cause trust issues in relationships because of the way certain cognitive distortions, irrational beliefs, or mood swings may unrealistically change someone’s perception of reality and interpersonal relationships. What can be particularly damaging, though, is when a person with a mental health condition that causes trust issues is hurt by a loved one’s deception. This can affirm their negative bias and make it even harder to emotionally and socially connect with other people, even if they desire to do so.

What Is a Person Called When They Have Trust Issues?

Pistanthrophobia is the fear of trusting people or forming significant relationships with them. While it’s not a recognized mental health condition in the DSM-5, pistanthrophobia, like other phobias, causes significant mental and emotional distress and usually detracts from the sufferer’s quality of life in a significant way.

Are Trust Issues a Red Flag?

Trust issues can be a sign that someone has experienced a significant amount of trauma — but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t working through their past experiences. Trust issues in a relationship can be hard for both partners to overcome, but with adequate support and communication channels, people with trust issues can have healthy, successful connections with partners — that aren’t ruled by their past.

What Do You Do If You Have Trust Issues In a Relationship?

Dialectal behavior therapy (DBT) is an effective treatment method for people who are noticing continued trust issues in relationships. So for those wondering how to fix trust issues, finding a mental health professional that they can connect with and receive DBT from is the first place to begin. Partners can also benefit from couples or marriage counseling, where they’ll learn new ways to empathize, communicate, and resolve differences and conflicts.

But even before beginning counseling or another form of mental health treatment, there are smaller, personal ways in which someone with trust issues in a relationship can begin to find healing.

How to Get Over or Overcome Trust Issues: 8 Tips

Knowing how to fix trust issues isn’t always simple. If you have trust issues and it’s hindering your ability to build happy, healthy relationships or it’s hindering your life in another way, then it’s time to make a change. Follow these steps if you’re wondering how to fix trust issues and take your relationships to the next level.

1) Accept the risk that comes with learning to trust again.

None of us are perfect — we let people down. Therefore, you must accept the risk that comes with trusting; the reality is that you’re going to be let down at some point or another. But that doesn’t mean your relationship with that person is or should be over. It’s about setting and communicating the right expectations as well as boundaries.

2) Learn how trust works.

Some people trust until they have a reason not to — others don’t trust people until that trust is earned. It’s up to you if and when you choose to trust someone. It’s perfectly okay to wait for someone to earn your trust before deciding you can rely on them. Especially if you’re recovering from past betrayal.

3) Take emotional risks.

At some point, you’ve got to just jump in head-first. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and choose to trust (whether it’s at the beginning of a relationship or after they’ve earned your trust).

4) Get to the root of your trust issues.

Remember, trust issues often stem from a past betrayal. If you aren’t sure why you have trust issues, do some soul-searching. Think about any past experiences that may have caused your trust issues. It’s crucial that you understand why you’re scared and what you’re scared of, so you can move on. If you need help doing this, consider working with a counselor.

5) Communicate honestly and often.

Poor communication is one of the main reasons that marriages and other relationships deteriorate. Do your part, and continue to be honest with the people in your life. Also, talk to them about your hesitancy to trust.

6) Be mindful of your relationships.

Each one of your interactions works to build trust. Start tuning into these interactions and consider why someone (whether it’s your new doctor, partner, or co-worker) might deserve your trust.

7) Consider those you do trust and express your appreciation.

Friends and family members who have always been there are easy to take for granted unless you make a conscious effort to show them your appreciation. When you have a problem, those are the people you can trust to be a support network. In addition, you can learn a lot about who, what, why, and how you trust from these relationships.

8) Try and trust again.

If you fail and resort back to distrusting tendencies, try again. Trust again. Keep putting yourself out there.

Where trust problems come from in relationships and how to get it back

March 15 Relationship

Apologizing doesn't always make it right, and the process of rebuilding trust can take months or even years.

Strong relationships are always built on trust. It doesn't matter how willing we are to open up to other people. If trust is lost, our inner sense of security is threatened. We begin to doubt ourselves and our partner, his honesty, feelings, motives, actions.

Lies and secrets affect relationships not only with a partner, but also with family, friends, close people. We start building walls of distrust, hoping to protect ourselves. But this is not the only problem.

How trust problems manifest

Distrust

We find it difficult to open up to others for several reasons.

If a person has experienced betrayal in a past relationship, he may be especially prone to distrust others. Unprocessed anger and pain can make us look for a double bottom where there is none, or subconsciously attract unreliable partners.

Sometimes distrust starts in the family. If relatives abuse alcohol or drugs, or there are a lot of secrets in the family about which they lie and are silent, the child may stop trusting not only parents, but also his own understanding of reality.

Usually dad and mom don't talk about what's going on in the hope of protecting the children. But everything is quite the opposite - a lie confuses a child who feels that adults are not saying something.

Sometimes parents deliberately hide the truth, trying to impose their own vision of the situation or hide guilt and shame for what happened. Some fathers and mothers may even blame children for family failures. Such situations further undermine the child's trust in the world around him.

At the same time, even the most seemingly small things can negatively affect the understanding of trust — when parents do not keep their promises, do not pick up the child from kindergarten or school on time, and come up with a constantly changing system of punishments.

Indifference, betrayal in the family, physical or emotional abuse - all this also undermines the inner sense of trust in the world.

Excessive trust

The encounter with abuse and psychological trauma lead not only to distrust, but also to excessive trust. Some people even experience both of these scenarios.

There are other factors that cause a person to trust others too much, and which can manifest themselves both separately and together. Among them are the idealization of a partner, dependence on relationships or the desire for them to be trusting.

Despite the fact that the family can seriously undermine trust, the childish desire to open up to others does not go anywhere. This subconscious yearning for truly meaningful relationships leads the person to project trust onto the wrong people in an attempt to create an almost familial feeling of intimacy.

Add to this relationship addiction and a desire for care, and here we are already denying obvious arguments and signals and doing our best to continue to believe in a person who constantly undermines our trust.

In addition, when parents deny the reality of the child, he ceases to pay attention to his feelings and intuition. All this leads to excessive trust, especially in relation to loved ones.

How to regain the trust of a loved one

Unfortunately, you can't go into the past and change family relationships. But if we have betrayed or violated the trust of a person dear to us, it is still possible, although difficult, to turn the tide. The main thing is to approach the issue as gently and accurately as possible.

Broken trust cannot be restored by simple apologies, and explanations and excuses can even worsen the situation. There are seven steps you can take to try to rebuild a close relationship:

Listen carefully to your partner.
Let his feelings go through you.
Ask what can be done to never betray his trust again.
Try to do everything possible to regain the trust of a loved one.
Take responsibility for your actions: do not blame others and do not ignore problems.
Sincerely apologize.
Continue to have an open and honest dialogue.

The last point is especially important. It is worth asking your partner how best to make amends and what to do so that this situation does not happen again. These questions will help your loved one feel that their emotions and needs are being respected.

When it comes to serious betrayal, you will have to discuss the relationship and decide if it can be saved and how to do it.

If it is not possible to restore trust through dialogue, the problem recurs, or the matter concerns infidelity, it is worth contacting a specialist. It will help partners open up to each other and find the source of the problem. Seeking help outside of a relationship is not a weakness. On the contrary, it shows a willingness to work on the union and strengthen it.

Loss of trust is a real test for a relationship. At first, it may seem that the partner has forgiven and everything has returned to normal. In fact, a loved one may still be tormented and worried about what happened. It can take months or even years to fully heal. Be there and help a loved one heal wounds.

"Only a free person can experience a true sense of trust"

"Only a free person can experience a true sense of trust" | Big Ideas Ethics and reputation

Anna Natitnik

August 29, 2022 Photo: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash

In times of crisis, when the ground is slipping from under the feet of many, trust – between people, communities and states – becomes an essential help. To try and figure out how to get there, we're sharing one of the most popular interviews published in Harvard Business Review Russia.

Trust is a comfortable feeling: it saves you from headaches and unnecessary worries. Meanwhile, to the question “to trust or not to trust?” most of us most often answer in the negative. What trust depends on and what influences trust, says Doctor of Economics (PhD), Associate Professor at the International Institute of Economics and Finance at the National Research University Higher School of Economics, Head of the Laboratory of Experimental and Behavioral Economics, Senior Researcher at the Institute of World Economy and International Relations of the Russian Academy of Sciences Alexey Belyanin.

What is trust?

I like this definition: trust is an inner feeling, expressed in the fact that a person can identify the interests of another person with his own. In other words, if I trust someone, I can rely on him as on myself. The sensual nature of trust means that there is no objective measure for it—at least until it is discovered. True, it is known that trust is correlated with certain hormones, with currents and processes in the human brain that can be measured. But this is a correlate, not a magnitude of trust.

If trust is connected with currents in the brain, then its level can be artificially changed?

Yes, clinically proven. For example, you can inject a person with a certain dose of a hormone - for example, serotonin, or the "hormone of happiness", which promotes openness and goodwill - and the level of trust increases. But in everyday life, this is not so easy to do. Therefore, there are other ways to stimulate trust. For example, if you find yourself in a room where loud music is playing, where everything is painted in aggressive colors (for example, red and black), where strange people walk around and look askance at you, you will surely feel nervous tension and will relate to those around you. people with at least caution. And here is another room: soft light, cozy furniture, green and blue tones prevail, everyone smiles - and, on the contrary, you relax, calm down and begin to relate to the world with a high degree of trust. It is no accident that the first atmosphere is typical for casinos, and the second for private clinics.

How and when does a person develop a sense of trust? What are its origins?

Initially, a person develops trust in the mother, it is almost prenatal, this is the initial biologically formed connection between mother and child. The identification of the mother with the child is a very stable process, and it takes several years before it breaks and the child becomes fully aware of himself as a separate physical being. If at a very early stage the mother shows the child that the world is kind to him, that no one will offend him, that he will always be helped and protected, then the child learns to trust others. If the mother behaves differently and the child sees only negative things from her, he develops distrust and even a guilt complex.

What else influences the development of trust?

The environment and, more broadly, the society in which a person is located. We know that in some countries the level of abstract trust is very high. For example, in Scandinavian countries it reaches 60%, and, say, in Portugal or Romania - only 10%. This is a significant gap. It is clear that in these countries there are different styles of education and relationships between people.

What is the level of trust in Russia?

Levels of trust are measured as the percentage of respondents from a representative sample who answered yes to questions like "Do you think most people can be trusted, or is it never a good idea to be careful when dealing with people?" Russia is somewhere in the middle on this global scale. In the USSR, trust was not measured using international methods, but there is much evidence that the level of trust in our country used to be much higher. In the post-war years, when leaving home, people could tie the door with a string or leave a note on the door: “Honey, the key, as always, is under the rug, the soup is on the stove. Kiss, mom." Come in, whoever wants to, eat soup, do whatever - there was no feeling that it was fraught with something. The destruction of trust most likely happened very quickly, in one or two years, at 1991-1993, between two coups. This time was more than enough for people to understand: now there is a different life, a different country, a different situation, and you need to rely mainly on yourself, and not on your neighbor. During this period, a severe blow was dealt to the national consciousness, psyche and people's perception of the society in which they live.

Which countries surround us on the trust scale? What company did we end up with?

Many European countries are approximately at the same level: Great Britain and Germany are somewhat higher, in the same place as the USA, France is slightly lower. Ukraine is located on this scale approximately in the same place as Russia, Belarus - a little higher. The level of trust depends not only on material well-being. In Estonia and Israel, trust is low, even lower than ours, although the countries are quite rich, and Estonia is practically Scandinavia. But these countries are multi-ethnic: Estonia has Russian and Estonian populations, Israel has Jewish and Palestinian populations, and relations between them are far from ideal. There are many migrants in the USA, there are still people who remember what racial segregation is, and the country does not feel like a single organism. On the other hand, in a short historical period, the country has grown to the point that it elected a black Barack Obama as president - and this should not be forgotten either.

It turns out that a high level of trust can be expected in mono-ethnic and unattractive countries for immigration, as well as in states with a strict migration policy?

Much also depends on who comes to these countries and from where: from states with a high level of trust and a similar social situation or not. In multi-ethnic countries, this level can also be quite high: in Switzerland, for example, there are three communities, in Belgium - two, and they have more or less peacefully coexisted from time immemorial. In the Scandinavian countries, the level of trust is largely set by state institutions. Yes, there are high taxes - they reach 60%, but by taking money from people, the state spends it on its citizens. These countries have strong social support: for example, a single mother in Sweden may not work until the end of her days. And, conversely, if she wants to work, companies will create all the necessary conditions for her. The Scandinavian society agreed that such behavior is the norm, and it did so, of course, from above.

Is trust related to the level of freedom?

I think that only a free person in the deepest sense of the word can experience a true sense of trust. Jesus, let's say, trusted man, but the late Karl Marx did not. And trust in this sense, of course, differs from trust mixed with fanaticism towards the leaders of the peoples, such as Hitler or Stalin. The nature of this trust, which degenerates into mass social psychosis, is a separate philosophical problem. If we talk about civil liberties, then, as the data show, there is some correlation between them and trust, but even weaker than with GDP. Civil liberties depend on the quality of the state, and trust depends on the whole society as a whole, so it is not entirely correct to compare them.

What is the relationship between trust and the culture of a country?

Cultural factors significantly affect the level of trust. For example, there is such an experiment: a group of people are blindfolded, let them into the house and asked to find a way out of it. At the same time, people are told: when you get tired or despair, you can ask the organizers for help, and they will take you out. Gradually, people begin to give up and ask for help. But there always remain those who are still looking for a way out with their eyes closed, and most often these are oriental people, mostly Chinese. Such an experiment was carried out in Tibet, and no one asked for help there, despite the fact that this was the only way to leave the house. There are other experiments that show that Eastern cultures tend to have lower trust in others and higher trust in the leader's word than Western people.

But trust in the leader, in the state is characteristic of many nations.

Yes, this is to some extent a social norm. And very often this trust turns out to be unfounded and unjustified. The German peoples had a high degree of trust in Hitler, our people in Stalin. And this trust was not subjected to massive doubt until these leaders died. Of course, there were people who understood what was really happening, but they were a minority, and society as a whole leaned towards the social norm, which says: you must trust the leader, he knows better what to do.

It seems that now in Russia the level of trust in the authorities is falling. Is this a violation of a social norm?

Russia is very different. In some places, trust in the authorities is very high. Yes, and in terms of the degree of meaningfulness and validity, it differs. Much depends on the activity and awareness of people. We took measurements in our laboratory and found out that in Russia there is a group of prosocially active people (about 20%) and antisocial active people (about 15%), but the average person is socially neutral, he does not care what is happening around. Alienation from one's social "I", from one's civic identity is very typical for Russia. This is one of the consequences of the perestroika years, because at the end of 19The 80s had a different atmosphere and a different social norm: it was almost indecent not to think about the country, about its future. Now we are seeing a serious social apathy, and this seems to me a greater problem than the presence of not only pro-, but also anti-social groups.

Is there a correlation between trust and distrust, on the one hand, and individualism and social orientation, on the other?

My colleagues Vladimir Magun and Maxim Rudnev from the Higher School of Economics conducted a study on this topic, and it showed that if we decompose the value judgments of Russians into components, it turns out that conservatives prevail in our country, and people who are open to changes, as a rule, turn out to be individualists.

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