Involving others in your relationship

Things You Should Never Share About Your Relationship

We're all guilty of telling our friends and fam about what's happening in our relationships. But you shouldn't be telling them every detail. Here are some aspects that you should keep under wraps.

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Details of your last fight

Your fights aren’t for public consumption. “If you tell others about your last fight, they, rather than your partner, will help solve the issue,” says Gilda Carle, PhD, author of Don’t Lie on Your Back for a Guy Who Doesn’t Have Yours. “Then you and your partner won’t have the know-how to navigate the next difficult problem.” Plus, they may end up going against him. If all they hear are the “facts” that you presented, they may question why you’re together in the first place. “You can’t get angry with your friend because you’re the one who told her all the details,” says Kristie Overstreet, a licensed professional clinical counselor, certified sex therapist and author of Fix Yourself First: 25 Tips to Stop Ruining Your Relationship. Here are some other things you should never do after a fight with your partner.

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The nitty gritty of your sex life

“Do you want a twosome or a threesome?” says Dr. Carle. “Filling others in on what goes on between your sheets makes your intimacy a group event.” When you’re not having sex, how often you have it, his sexual fantasies; the raunchy details of your intimate life should be kept under the covers. “Your sex life shouldn’t become someone else’s fantasy,” says Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, a sexuality and relationship consultant and coauthor of The Orgasm Answer Guide. “Not to mention that by learning all about you and your partner’s likes and dislikes in bed, you put yourself at risk of your friend becoming the confidante and provider of those likes to your partner.” If you’re having problems in the bedroom, discuss it with your partner. Otherwise, speak with a therapist who can help you figure out why you’re having these issues.

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Something he’s told you confidentially

“Trust is easy to lose and hard to get back,” says Overstreet. If your partner tells you about a private issue—his mom’s breast cancer scare or a poor review at work for example—keep your mouth shut. He has opened up to you because he trusts you and your ability to keep what you’ve been told confidential. You don’t want to break that trust. “Trust is at the core of any relationship,” says Ashley Grinonneau-Denton, an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists certified sex therapist and couples relationship expert. “If a partner confides about one of the skeletons buried deep in his closet, it’s important for you to maintain this confidence. If not, the secret runs the risk of being uncovered.” Here are some more habits that ruin trust in a relationship.

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That awful present he bought you

It is the thought that counts. “A gift is a gift,” says Overstreet. “Be grateful that he thought of you.” Did he buy you socks for your birthday? Maybe he remembered your favorite pair got eaten in the laundry and was full of good intentions and efforts. Avoid badmouthing him to your friends about his gift snafus; they may never let you live them down. “Even if this gift isn’t your taste, tell people that he was so sweet to be thinking of you—and that can never be faulted,” says Dr. Carle.

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When your in-laws annoy you

We’ve all been irritated with our partner’s parents and complained about it to our friends. But do your best to bite your tongue, especially since in-laws are a permanent fixture in your life. “Be grateful that you have in-laws,” says Overstreet. You never know when those words will get back to your husband—even worse, them, which could be quite awkward—and make him resentful and defensive. And that will only do more harm than good. “Let him rationalize their unkind behavior, or set the situation straight,” says Dr. Carle. “But telling anyone else who is unable to right any wrongs is wasted breath.” Here are some little things you can do to make your partner’s parents like you.

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Money issues

Maybe he made a financial mistake. Or he’s having money troubles. Or people are discussing how much their partners earn or who pays for what. Many people are sensitive and insecure about issues that make them look weak, especially when it comes to the Benjamins. So, it’s best not to cross that line. Financial details are no one else’s business. “That’s what financial advisers are for,” says Grinonneau-Denton. Learn the best ways to stop fighting over money with your partner.

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His insecurities or embarrassing habits

Perhaps your guy is struggling to build the baby crib; he just isn’t handy. Or he has trouble mowing the lawn and reluctantly hires a professional landscaper. He might be insecure that he can’t do these things on his own, so keep that between the two of you. “If you make him feel like less of a man, there is a good chance he’ll start losing some confidence and attraction towards you,” says Mike Goldstein, author of How To Find A High Quality Man in 3 Easy Steps AND The Main Reason You Have Been Choosing The Wrong Men. The same goes for embarrassing habits or idiosyncrasies. “If your guy farts in his sleep, for instance, that is your fun little secret, not something to share with the world,” Goldstein says. Yes, these complaints are minor. But others may take these character flaws out of proportion and make you even more upset about the issue. “Your friend will likely not forget what she’s been told,” says Overstreet. “And you may find yourself defending your partner to your friend. It could’ve been prevented if you hadn’t shared these negatives with her in the first place.”

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His dislike for one or some of your pals

It’s impossible for your partner to like all your friends. “He might think one is loud, another is catty and one shops too often,” says Julie Spira, founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. But, if you plan for this partner to stick around, keep mum on anything he says about not being a fan of someone from your squad—or the whole squad for that matter. It will only leave people feeling hurt and awkward. Bottom line: Accept that you both have different tastes and needs in friends, and move on, says Dr. Carle. Here’s what science has to say about how to handle tension between your partner and your pals.

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That one of you cheated

If you or your partner commits infidelity, keep this dirty laundry on the DL. The less players that are involved, the better. Whether you decide to stay together or split, don’t leave that decision to your mom or BFF. It’s your choice whether the relationship is worth salvaging and repairing or not. You know what’s best for yourself and no one really understands what dynamics are going on. And if you do stay together, you risk tainting your friend’s or family’s perception of your partner. “With something as painful as an affair, it’s important to involve a skilled therapist to help you heal from the broken trust and betrayal,” says Grinonneau-Denton. To take things a step further, you could create an uncomfortable wedge in your relationship if you were the one to cheat. They’ll be left wondering if you’d go after one of their boyfriends or husbands, says Spira. “Don’t be surprised if you aren’t invited to the next luncheon,” says Spira. Find out what else you should never do after your partner cheats.

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Anything your partner doesn’t know

Are you disappointed that your partner still hasn’t found a new job after hunting for months? Upset that he drinks too much? You may keep these emotions from your partner to avoid starting a fight. However, it doesn’t do any good if your friends know your feelings and he doesn’t. “Keep the shortcomings of your mate to yourself,” says Dr. Carle. “Otherwise, you’re inviting others to push you to defend why you’re with him.” Here are some secrets it’s okay to keep from your partner.

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Private correspondence between the two of you

Emails, texts, voicemails, and explicit selfies should be kept to yourself. He might be embarrassed if the correspondence is romantic, says Dr. Carle. Or furious if it’s nasty. And your friends don’t need to see or hear about your intimate notes or calls to one another. “Sexy talk between a couple is what builds intimacy,” says Grinonneau-Denton. If you share that you and your partner are sexting, keep it general, she says. “The specifics are the erotic part about having a partner know a side of you that nobody else does,” says Grinonneau-Denton.

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His past relationship failures

“If the details aren’t part of your own story, the chapters in that book aren’t yours to share,” says Grinonneau-Denton. Your friends and family don’t need to know that he cheated on his girlfriend Nicole a decade ago, or that Sarah broke his heart in college. If he wants to share that information with them, that’s fine. But it’s not your place to do so. Use this past, says Dr. Carle, to build on your future. Next, learn the things you should never share about your relationship on social media.

Originally Published: April 06, 2018

Stacey Feintuch

Stacey Feintuch contributes to RD.com's Health and Relationship sections. Her articles have appeared in Woman's World, Boca Raton Observer and Healthywomen.org, among other sites and publications. She earned her MA in magazine writing from S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications at Syracuse University and her BA in journalism from The George Washington University.

'I'll Never Vent To A Friend About My Relationship Again—Here's Why'

I need to vent. I don’t do well simply ignoring or absorbing stressors, especially of the emotional variety. So early in my dating life, I often used my girls as outlets and vice versa. And why not? Dishing about love is practically a time-honored bonding practice among women á la Sex and the City or Friends. But it can also be incredibly destructive.

I remember having a fight with my boyfriend one weeknight, and then immediately showing up to sushi dinner with my best friend. Yes, I vented. In fact, I think I cried. When I left dinner about two hours later, my boyfriend called me and we talked out the problem. But something funny happened.

While I felt fine about my relationship again, I could tell my best friend did not. It also wasn’t the first relationship issue I’d ever unloaded on her. And without the proper context—a couple arguments, splayed against the backdrop of an otherwise happy relationship—she started to develop a view of my S. O., who she hadn't met in person yet. (Get zen with the Slim, Sexy, Strong Workout DVD)

This is where we all get it wrong, says psychologist and counselor Karla Ivankovich, Ph.D. “Battles in a romantic relationship are often fleeting,” she explains. “But when we share those disagreements with friends, it cements these fights into a pattern of hurt that others perceive us to be experiencing.”

Check out the secret behaviors of men and women:

When my bestie finally met my boy a few weeks later on a double date, she was practically predisposed to dislike him. I couldn’t blame her for feeling concerned. She was my sounding board for the negatives, while I generally glossed over the positives.

“It’s human nature to judge others, and your friends are looking out for your best interest,” Ivankovich says. “Repeated patterns of negativity may signal a much bigger problem to them. ”

That moment several years ago was a trigger point, which forced me to think about what I should and should not disclose to my friends about my relationship. My conclusion? For the most part, it’s best to stay mum.

I’ve been on both sides of this issue, as the venter and ventee. And while it might feel momentarily freeing to let your relationship grievances fly, I don’t put my friends in that tough position anymore. I don’t even ask for advice, which I inevitably wouldn't take anyway, because my friend “doesn’t get it” or “can’t see the whole picture." Because of course she doesn’t! She’s not in my relationship.

But when you work things out with your partner after a thoughtful discussion, it won’t be any less frustrating for your confidante to have spent hours sorting through your personal problems when you were never planning on breaking up with him in the first place.

At the same time, complaining betrays your partner’s trust. Ivankovich says it’s important to think of how you’d feel if you discovered your boyfriend was talking sh*t behind your back. Not so great, right?

Occasionally, yes, you need to talk through problems with a friend, especially if it’s an ongoing issue with your partner; feedback can be helpful. But Ivankovich says that if you haven’t (or wouldn’t) say it in front of your partner, then you should bite your tongue to friends. (The exception to this: In cases of emotional or physical abuse, you should never, ever keep quiet.)

If you do voice an issue to your BFF, explain it in context. For instance, “Greg is great. He always does X and Y! But I’d value your input on Z.” Don’t just list problems. “You need at least a 1:2 ratio of negatives to positives,” says Ivankovich. “We get fixated on the negative, so you need to provide counterpoints. If all that your friends hear about your relationship are your problems, they have no other choice but to perceive your partner in a negative light. ”

Just. Stop. Complaining. Write your annoyances in a letter or journal, and see if you’re even bothered in the morning. Nine times out of 10, you won’t be.

Jenna Birch

Jenna Birch is a Michigan-based freelance health and lifestyle journalist, covering topics ranging from general health and nutrition to beauty and psychology. She has contributed to many online outlets, such as Yahoo, SELF, Shape, Women’s Health and Allure. Her work has also appeared in magazines like Marie Claire, Real Simple and O.

10 Steps to Engage and Motivate Employees

When it comes to job satisfaction, financial rewards can be on the list a lot lower than most people think. Getting pleasure from work depends more on intangible aspects. When employees are asked about job satisfaction, the opportunity to feel part of the team and appreciation outpaces money.

Bill's story

As an example, consider the story of Bill, a competent project manager at a software development company. He joined his current company a few months ago and is already thinking about looking elsewhere. “I don’t get any feedback from my manager at all,” he says. He does not understand how his work relates to the overall goals of the company and how well he works, therefore his motivation is reduced. “The schedule is much better at this company,” he admits. But I'm not involved in the work. I just don't care."

Bill's story is not unique, and many leaders know this. Therefore, below are some tips and strategies for retaining valuable employees.

10 Steps to Success

Many of the following tips may sound like common sense, but you'd be surprised how many leaders ignore them. They can help you reach your ultimate work goal: the ability to motivate your employees to take action that can move mountains. (And they will enjoy their work while they do it).

Step 1: Clearly define your vision

Make sure employees understand your vision as a roadmap and they know every twist and turn.

Step 2: Give employees what they want and need

Don't assume that each of your employees has all the tools, training, and support from their supervisors that they need. Check them out for yourself and see for yourself.

Step 3: Communicate Well and Frequently

You can use training, memos, letters, FAQs, and regular meetings to communicate your vision to employees. Make sure you are asked questions, and if employees are confused, change the way you present information.

Perhaps the most important part of being a good leader is effective communication. Creating a communication culture where leaders and employees share common goals and work together to achieve them can support a company, and even save it from decline.

Goodman and Truss in the Journal of Change Management stressed the importance of communication, especially in difficult times or times of change. The timing in which employees become aware of upcoming changes is critical to reducing uncertainty. You also need to be completely clear about what your goals are and when they need to be achieved. Goodman and Truss recommend the following goals:

Getting individual support
Generating interest in change
Resistance minimization
Personal anxiety reduction
Purpose Clarity Guarantee
Information/vision exchange
Change of status quo
Get transparency
Uncertainty minimization

Step 4: Involve Everyone

Determine a way to help you involve all your employees in planning and decision making. This will help you give them the feeling that the project is their child, something they want to fight for.

To do this, whenever possible, ask for their data and ideas. Thus, they will have a strong interest in the success of the project. This will not only help to support and motivate employees, but will also help to find new and more productive ways of working, which are usually not realized in more stable times.

Step 5: Practice success and practice acts of kindness

Feedback is another great motivator. Don't wait for rating periods, instead give feedback as often as possible. Positive feedback should be given immediately to encourage such behavior. Negative feedback should also be given as soon as possible, as it gives employees the opportunity to correct their behavior. If you can, schedule weekly meetings with individual employees to get an opportunity to discuss current projects and issues. These meetings don't have to be long, and they can build strong working relationships.

And don't forget to say "Thank you!" for a job well done. This is a strong motivator, and gratitude, if possible, should be voiced personally. Public recognition of your employees' contributions is even better. A McKinsey study found that praise from direct management or attention from company leaders is just as important or even more important than financial rewards.

Step 6: Act Fairly, Respectfully, and Build Trust

Use your judgment, wisdom, and experience to create a supportive environment. When a problem arises, study the circumstances, deal with the context, and only then make a decision. Respect and trust your team and you will get the same in return. If you make a mistake, apologize and admit that you were wrong. This will make your employees treat you better and they will appreciate your honesty.

Step 7: Trust but Verify and Make Work Fun

Good bosses pay attention to both the big picture and the details, and try to care not only about the product but also about the employees. A good way to demonstrate this behavior is to be involved in the creation process and pay attention to what is happening. And don't forget to do it with a smile on your face. Relax! Turning work into fun really pays off, as people often do a lot more when they're relaxed.

Step 8: Focus on High Potential Employees

“Even in times of austerity, high potential employees have other opportunities,” says Douglas Klein, president of Sirota Survey Intelligence. A study conducted by his company showed that during an economic crisis, employees who are worried about their future can negatively affect the company. The reason for this is simple and obvious: they are less involved in their work, and they may be planning to leave.

To keep them engaged, consider allocating more resources to career development and training. Or perhaps you can give them new projects to help the company adapt to a changing market, growth or development.

Step 9: Be Creative to Avoid Layoffs

"An employer who treats employees as partners will do everything they can to avoid layoffs," says Klein. The main thing for employees is to know that management will do everything possible to keep them. Voluntary cost-cutting measures, which Klein calls “rings of protection,” can be used to avert disaster.

This move may seem like a shot in the dark, but you'd be surprised how sensible people can be to cut wages and/or work overtime as part of an anti-crisis strategy shaped with their consent as a safety net in difficult times. The magic of this approach lies in a few words: "formed with their consent."

Step 10: Implement Incentive Programs

Regardless of your industry, you should consider incentive programs. They show their effectiveness in motivating employees and their main advantage is that the cost can be based on real performance and payments are made only after the employee has achieved the desired goal. “Do well and you will be rewarded” has a positive impact on the company as a whole as employees work harder to achieve the goal.
A study on the benefits of incentive programs by ISPI found the following results:

Incentive programs can significantly increase productivity. The study found that productivity gains can be up to 22% for employees and 44% for teams.
Incentive programs can increase employee engagement. Efficiency increased by 15% when rewards were offered, and if employees were rewarded again to maintain performance, improvements were as high as 27%.
Incentive programs can attract high performing employees. And such employees are more likely to stay when you have incentive programs in place.

Job retention strategies

Job retention is a big issue for many companies, big and small. The Incentive Research Foundation has conducted two studies on employee turnover. The study had important findings:

When work is highly valued by employees, staff turnover is no longer a big problem. Recognition, praise, and special incentives are tools that can add value to employees. When a company supports its employees, the turnover rate drops significantly.
When employees enjoy their jobs, they are less likely to leave. And more importantly, they will try to do their job better.

The results speak for themselves. Companies need to be proactive in order to develop and retain the right people. Investing in your people becomes a big benefit for your company, including financial benefits that will only increase over time.

Original article blog.eskill.com

8 Content Approaches to Maximize Engagement

Profit and interest aren't the only things that matter in today's business world. Likes, comments and tweets are intangible, but they have a very real value. Social networks have become a reliable source of new customers and a tool to increase profits. Everyone wants to get the most out of social networks, but it is not so easy to attract attention on these sites. In order for a brand to stand out from the rest, a creative approach is needed. Want to shine in the social media world? Then you need to rethink the positioning. Each brand should be able to emphasize its uniqueness and corporate identity with the help of content. For example, New York Magazine even started a separate Slack channel to coordinate the work of designers creating branded graphics for its Instagram account. In just one year, the number of Instagram page followers grew from 190 thousand to 475 thousand. But stunning images aren’t the only thing that will help a brand quickly gain momentum on social media. Experiment with strategies to find out what your audience likes. Many companies use potpourri formats to increase engagement. If you fill channels with different content, the results can be amazing. When users see different content and interact with it in different ways, but regularly interact with it, they do not get tired of it - and the brand itself is gaining popularity. If you like this perspective, then read on and find out exactly what formats play for engagement.

1. Create polls

Asking people's opinions, even on the most insignificant issue, is a great solution. Not all subscribers immediately become active participants in surveys, but over time they nevertheless join the process. Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram have handy poll forms that make gathering audience opinions a pleasure. By asking people about something, you engage them and get to know them better. Surveys provide more interactions if they are related to topics from the world of the brand itself. Conducting surveys regularly is an effective strategy, but it is important not to overdo it. Use simple and clear questions, and publish surveys during peak hours, when the bulk of your audience is online. Don't forget to reply and post your results. Those who are interested in the survey will probably want to see the numbers. Here's how IKEA's kitchen survey got engagement:

2. Contact the professionals

In order for the text to engage, it must be of high quality - there are no compromises here. Text content can be prepared by your team, but only if you have a good full-time copywriter. If not, find good writers on Online Writers Rating, Essaysupply, or other similar resources. If you don’t have your own copywriters and don’t want to outsource the task, find a professional editor and send him texts for proofreading. Such a specialist can be found on Flash Essay or Write Load. With it, you will not worry about the quality of your texts.

3. Organize contests

The times when prize drawings were held mainly by radio are long gone - they moved from FM stations to social networks. Surely you or your friends once took part in a contest on the brand page. Remember how many times in the feed there was a tempting “like a post and tag a friend - and participate in the contest”. In exchange for simple gifts, brands receive hundreds of shares, likes and comments. A contest with a special prize will help stimulate activity on pages in social networks. Brands like Lay's and Doritos regularly hold competitions where they choose the taste of new products together with consumers - and the success of such activities is huge. Contests are very popular, where fans of the page are asked to come up with a caption for the picture or take their own photo. When you launch a new activity, come up with a new hashtag for it to make it easier to gauge engagement. If the competition is successful, it will support the competitive spirit of subscribers and attract new ones.

4. Support your fans

It's not just pop stars who need to love their loyal fans, but brands too. Let's be honest - without those who are sincerely committed to the brand, it would not exist. For a while, let them "steer" the page, the best way to thank them. Of course, you should not trust something critically important, but you can get involved in making small decisions. This will make them feel trusted and happy. Remember the show "The Last Hero" or "Dancing with the Stars", where the audience influences the course of the game with their voices. When subscribers get the right to influence the situation (albeit very little), they are incredibly involved. Those who already love your brand will feel even deeper feelings for it. And, most importantly, the engagement of the audience on the page will go up.

5. Collaborate

If you want to keep your audience's interest at a high point, teaming up with other brands or celebrities is very important. Collaborations give rise to new ideas - and they, in turn, help to “wake up” old fans and show the brand in a new way. How brands can do it:

Arrange collective promotions on each other's sites.
Share partner content on your pages.
Create long-term collaborations to generate leads and increase profits.

Simple collaborations can quickly increase engagement, but serious long-term initiatives will bring even more tangible results. If you decide to launch a joint campaign or project with another brand, be prepared for a disruptive effect. Sometimes, in the most dramatic way. So, in 2000, McDonald’s restaurants in Singapore decided to give Hello Kitty dolls to visitors - this led to riots and the hospitalization of several people. Of course, no one wants such results, but such a burning interest in the brand is always a good indicator.

6. Talk to the audience

As I said before, people like to share their opinions. But just getting feedback and having a good conversation are not the same thing. At the heart of any great business is strong communication. If brands want to expand their presence on social media, they definitely shouldn't ignore the power of the right conversation. It doesn't matter how you react - a personal message or a tweet. For a person, your answer will mean that he was noticed and heard. After all, social networks are about and for people. Regularly host short streams with questions and answers so that subscribers have the opportunity to express themselves. Personal dialogue (albeit through a screen) will strengthen your relationship. “Brand connection must not be allowed to sink into the social media matrix. There should be as much real live dialogue as possible” , argues Jared Joanson, customer experience manager at Get Good Grade.

7. Share your experience

Ratings and reviews are a classic format in which consumers share their impressions of a brand on social media. But you need to remember that the feed is updated quickly, and reviews are lost in it just as quickly. You need to come up with a new format in which it will be convenient for consumers to tell their friends about you. Moreover, this new content should be interesting and original enough to constantly attract attention in the competitive sea of content on social networks. Even if you have never been to the Coachella music festival, you have probably heard about it. It owes part of its fame to the fact that the organizers fervently support conversations about the event online. Photos, videos and streams from the festival constantly feed interest in the event - and the new audience has a desire to urgently become part of this cool whole. For smaller brands, a simple campaign will work. Come up with themed slogans and hashtags, ask your consumers to use them when they talk about the brand, and engagement will skyrocket.

8. Get involved in charity

Whether you're a big brand or a small one, it's always good to be human. If you support charities with money or information, people will perceive you as a brand with soul. The direction of charity with which you associate yourself will largely determine the image of the brand and how the audience will communicate with it. If you support the same fund as the subscribers, then every post on the relevant topic will get good engagement. In addition, we can get an additional audience - those who follow the fund's page. " The most popular charity now is the protection of animal rights. There have been a lot of controversial campaigns around this lately, but brands love it and support ,” says Amanda McCoy, marketing manager for Writing My Resume. The Body Shop brand even called on an Instagram account to sign a petition against animal testing of cosmetics. The post became very popular - received thousands of likes and comments with words of support. And this is an understandable reaction: many want to help those who cannot help themselves. Markets change, technology evolves, and the power of social media remains constant. And social networks continue to have a huge impact on modern society. The organic connection with the consumer that companies get through social networks is indispensable. Direct contact with potential and existing consumers directly affects the success of the brand. In the fight against competitors, this is indispensable. To be successful on social media, you need to be quick to respond to new opportunities and be decisive. Live streaming and virtual reality are already topping the list of trends. “Integrating into the user's life on a visual and mental level is more important today than ever before. But the main thing is the emotional connection. Content that delights, delights and creates a sense of belonging strengthens relationships,” says Jeremy Hayes, content editor at Best Writers Canada and TheEssayTyper.

To recap

When consumers feel they are part of something in common, they like to invest in that relationship. That's why contests and polls get such a great response. People want to participate in what their favorite brand suits, which is why they comment and share so easily. But the main motivator is the opportunity to be “under the spotlights of fame” on the brand’s site in the social network. If you lay out the red carpet for subscribers and convince them to go under the spotlights, engagement will skyrocket.

Learn more