Fearful avoidant attachment treatment

What This Means in Relationships

Humans learn to attach, or connect, to one another through their relationships with their parents.

Babies who have their needs met are more likely to develop secure, emotionally strong personalities. Babies who don’t have their needs met may develop anxious, avoidant, and even fearful personalities.

The type of personality you develop can determine a great deal about your life. In particular, it plays a significant role in how you find and maintain relationships.

People who develop a fearful avoidant attachment style often desire closeness. They seek intimacy from partners. However, they may be unable to achieve the deep connection they long for.

That’s because their attachment experiences have taught them to be fearful of intimacy. In some cases, their personality leads them to even reject close bonds. This can spur a cycle of rocky relationships and extreme emotional highs and lows.

Understanding fearful avoidant attachment can help you understand why you react the way you do in relationships. If you believe a loved one has this style of attachment, understanding where the instincts come from may also help you respond to them, too.

Ultimately, however, there are ways to relearn attachment so you or your loved one can have healthier relationships.

Several types of attachment styles are born out of the first years of a person’s life. These broad attachment styles include:

Secure vs. insecure

Infants who have their needs met develop secure attachments. They’re more likely to feel confident and trusting.

People who didn’t have their earliest needs met, or those who faced adversity during that time, may be less secure in themselves. They may also find forming intimate relationships difficult.

Anxious preoccupied

Individuals with an insecure attachment style can develop characteristics that further define why they have such a hard time forming bonds with others.

People with anxious preoccupied attachment, for example, greatly desire to feel wanted. They spend a lot of time thinking about relationships and idolize their future partners.

In turn, they require frequent reassurance and validation. That can be taxing on a partner and difficult to maintain.

Dismissive avoidant attachment

People with this style of attachment have a hard time being open with others. They often reject emotional overtures from loved ones or potential partners.

This self-isolation can ultimately lead to people feeling relationships aren’t worth the trouble.

Fearful avoidant attachment

This last attachment style occurs in people who responded to a lack of bonding by becoming fearful of future bonds. They do, however, often still want relationships.

In fact, they may actively seek them out. But when the relationship becomes too serious or the partner wants greater intimacy, the person with fearful avoidant attachment may respond by withdrawing from the relationship entirely.

Children learn attachment behaviors from an early age. In infancy, babies learn to attach to another person based on the behavior or reaction they get from their parents, caregivers, or other humans.

If the attachment is strong, the child may feel secure. This can lead to future healthy bonds.

If the attachment is challenged, the child may struggle with future relationships and attachments. They may face insecurity in the face of emotional situations.

As children grow older and enter adulthood, these emotional attachment styles can have profound effects. A person’s attachment style will play into their romantic relationships as well as professional ones and friendships.

People with fearful avoidant attachment may show signs like:

stormy, highly emotional relationships
conflicting feelings about relationships (both wanting a romantic relationship and being fearful of being hurt or left by a significant other)
a tendency to seek out faults in partners or friends so they can have an excuse to leave a relationship
resistance to commitment and intimacy
fear or anxiety about being inadequate for a partner or relationship
withdrawing from relationships when things get intimate or emotional

People with fearful avoidant attachment are prone to have rocky, dramatic relationships. These scenarios may help you understand how people with this style of attachment behave and why.

They may prefer casual sex

While people with fearful avoidant attachment actively want to have a relationship, their instincts work against their wishes. They resist the intimacy that’s necessary for a relationship, so casual sex may feel safer.

They may be unpredictable

People with this type of attachment style fear being abandoned. They also fear feeling trapped in a relationship. That makes them oscillate between emotional highs and lows. It may prevent a meaningful relationship in the long term. They may seem unstable or reactionary to others.

They may shut down rapidly

In the normal course of a relationship, partners get to know one another’s likes, dislikes, fears, anxieties, and more.

When a person with fearful avoidant attachment begins to feel pushed to share their emotions and intimate thoughts, they may shut off communication entirely. This is designed to protect them and their fear of being too exposed.

It’s possible to change your attachment style. Though most people develop their style from infancy, therapists and other mental health professionals can work with you to understand your style, why you react the way you do, and learn to adapt new techniques.

Talk therapy is foundational in helping people learn to cope with and eventually change from a fearful avoidant attachment style. Therapists can identify reasons the person may have adapted this style. They can then work with you to relearn attachment.

At the same time, family counseling or relationship counseling can help your loved ones learn to help you work through these changes.

A great deal of attachment style is reinforced by others’ behaviors. If you can work together, you may be able to relearn attachment more easily.

If you have fearful avoidant attachment, or if you’re in a relationship with a person who has this attachment style, these tips will help you learn to cope as you begin to better understand and reshape your relationships.

Encourage openness — but don’t push it

People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. They’re also immensely terrified by it. You can encourage them to talk about what they’re feeling or what fears they sense, but don’t be aggressive. This could push them to shut down.

Be reassuring

If your partner or loved one has this attachment style, they ultimately fear you’ll leave them or that they’ll want to leave. Be comforting and supportive. Seeing you’re sticking with them through this time of understanding and change can go a long way to building confidence.

Value yourself

People with insecure attachments often have low self-esteem. This can be troubling in many relationships. Give yourself space to realize some relationships are worth your effort and some aren’t.

Little by little, you can find healthier ways to communicate. An intimate, long-term relationship is possible.

Define boundaries

By instinct, people with this type of attachment style often set boundaries, mostly invisible ones. They don’t always know where they are or why they happen, but these boundaries help them feel safe in emotional situations.

It can be helpful to others in your life for you to try to vocalize those boundaries. Tell them what makes you feel fear and what triggers your anxiety. This can help you avoid them together.

Understand your instincts

You and your family member, friend, or partner are quite different. You react in different ways to one another. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to recognize your tendencies and actively work to correct them.

If you tend to shut down when emotional conversations begin, a partner can actively push you to be open. If your partner becomes emotionally charged, you can employ ways to promote calmness.

You can hold one another accountable, and you can become better communicators. A therapist may be able to help you begin this process.

Consider therapy

People with this type of attachment style often don’t know how they should respond in emotional situations.

A therapist can help facilitate uncomfortable conversations with yourself and with loved ones about how you or they feel. A therapist can then help you relearn how to react to one another in a healthful way.

Here’s how to access therapy for every budget.

Attachment is the fundamental way humans learn to interact and communicate with one another.

Some people have healthy, strong attachment styles. Others may have attachment styles that are less secure. This can lead to self-destructive behaviors, like avoiding relationships and fearing intimacy.

The good news is you can change your attachment style. It may take time, work, and a great deal of understanding from people in your life. But it’s possible for you to build intimate, secure relationships that fulfill you and help you feel safe.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment - Causes, Traits & How To Overcome

What Is Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Fearful avoidant attachment style in adulthood is an insecure attachment style associated with a disorganized attachment style in childhood. Fearful attachment styles are characterized by one’s negative view of themselves and their inability to get close to others. They tend to have worse outcomes than the other three attachment styles and are usually linked to childhood trauma.

Fearful adults have negative views of themselves and others. They are highly dependent on others’ approval and affirmation. They are highly anxious and have a strong desire for closeness, but they avoid intimacy due to their negative expectations and fear of rejection¹.

Attachment Theory

Attachment is an infant’s predisposition to form a strong emotional bond with their primary caregiver and stay close to them for survival.

Attachment styles are behavioral patterns formed through interactions with these attachment figures. These early experiences affect a child’s behavior and future relationships with others in powerful ways².

John Bowlby & Mary Ainsworth attachment theory states that children with different attachments develop different internal working models which represent how they view themselves, others, and the relationships with them. The four attachment styles in children are:

Secure attachment
Ambivalent attachment
Avoidant attachment
Disorganized attachment

Later, social psychologists Phillip Shaver and Cindy Hazan proposed three parallel attachment styles in adults – secure, anxious, and avoidant. These styles are the grown-up versions of infant styles. It is believed that an adult’s attachment influences how they view the world and interact with their partners in intimate relationships.

The Two Dimensions In Adult Attachment Styles

In 1990, Bartholomew extended the typology of attachment in adults into four categories based on two dimensions – avoidance and anxiety³.

The anxiety dimension measures how positive or negative one’s view of themselves is. The avoidance dimension represents the extent to which their view of others is positive or negative. Low levels on both dimensions indicate a higher level of attachment security.

Secure attachment style

Secure people tend to have low levels of anxiety and avoidance. Those with secure attachments have a positive view of themselves and others. They feel safe to form secure relationships with their attachment figures or romantic partners.

This is the only secure attachment among the four attachments. All of the remaining styles below are insecure styles.

Anxious attachment style

People with anxious attachment style, or anxious-preoccupied attachment style, have high anxiety but low avoidance.

These individuals yearn to be loved. They want intimate connections and therefore they have low avoidance. However, they also view themselves negatively resulting in high anxiety. Anxious adults want to be loved, but don’t believe they are lovable.

Dismissive avoidant attachment style

Dismissive avoidants are high on avoidance because they have a negative view of others. But they view themselves positively with low anxiety.

Such an individual tends to keep a distance even in close relationships. They are unwilling to provide support to close friends or partners in times of distress and dismiss those who seek support from them as weak, emotionally unstable, or immature⁴.

Fearful avoidant attachment style

This is another avoidant style. People with fearful-avoidant attachment styles have high anxiety and high avoidance. They view both themselves and others negatively.

On one hand, they want to be loved but think that they are unlovable due to their low self-worth. On the other hand, they are afraid of others and want to avoid them.

Also See: Fearful Avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Styles

What Causes Fearful Avoidant Attachment

A 20-year longitudinal study found that 72% of young adults retained their childhood attachment style.

Although it is not known exactly what makes fearful-avoidant attachment develop, studies have found that some fearful avoidant adults are grown-up versions of children with disorganized attachment.

Disorganized attachment is an insecure attachment style in children. It tends to develop in infants with parents who are abusive or neglectful⁵. The caregiver’s behavior tended to be punitive and malevolent. Children could be punished or threatened by their attachment figure when they try to seek comfort during times of distress.

Because of the scary parental behavior, the infant develops a fear of their parent. The child tries to avoid them instead of viewing them as a secure base. They have poor self-regulation because they don’t have an organized strategy to deal with stress or regulate emotions.

Disorganized infants make up approximately 19% of those seen in the Strange Situation. During the Strange Situation, disorganized infants act fearfully, conflicted, disorganized, apprehensively, disoriented, and in other ways oddly with their attachment figures when they reunite⁶.

The parents of disorganized children generally have unresolved trauma from their own childhood traumatic experiences. These parents are likely depressed, disturbed, neglectful, abusive, or alcoholic in some way. A young child who grows up with an alcoholic parent is four times as likely to develop fearful avoidant attachment³ when they grow up.

Signs of Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style in Adults

Fearful avoidants have the following characteristics in adults:

Gender difference

Researchers have found that women have a higher likelihood of developing a fearful avoidant attachment pattern than men⁷.

High levels of avoidance

These adults are high in avoidance.

They fear closeness to their partners and avoid them because of the possibility of rejection. They don’t feel comfortable getting close to others. Avoidant adults worry about being hurt if they allow themselves to become too close to others. They find it difficult to trust or depend on others completely.

High levels of anxiety

Despite not wanting to increase closeness, avoidant adults desire to get their emotional needs met in a romantic relationship. They are anxious because they view themselves as undeserving the love and support of others.

The mixed of avoidance and anxiety strategy makes fearful-avoidant people confused and disoriented, and they display uncertain behavior with their partners as a result. They are usually less trusting and more troubled because they have relatively negative models of themselves and others.

Most distressed and least healthy

The fearful-avoidantly attached tends to have low self-esteem (lowest among all the attachment types). They are the least trusting, the least assertive, and have more negative emotions.

Less support seeking and less care-giving

Their own fear of intimacy leads to less support-seeking in times of need. They are also less likely to support their loved ones. In the rare case that they do extend support to meet social obligations or receive favors and benefits, the help they give is often provided from a distance⁸.

Deactivating attachment strategies

Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems as a result of repeated rejections by others⁹. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support¹⁰.

These adults are uncomfortable with the distress of others. They fail to recognize others’ distress or empathize with it because otherwise, they cannot keep their own attachment system deactivated¹¹.

Difficulty in handling loss

Although fearful avoidant adults are less supportive and affectionate, they still have a hard time adjusting to loss because they are highly anxious about attachments¹².

Abusive relationships

Fearful adults are more likely to be involved in abusive relationships, as the abusers or the victims.

Researchers have found a strong correlation between abusiveness and adult attachment in men with fearful-avoidant attachments. These men tend to suffer from chronic anger with strong emotional reactions leading to violence toward their partners when they experience a fear of abandonment¹³.

A fearful-avoidant person experiences anxiety over rejection, which is why fearful women in abusive relationships have a hard time leaving an unhealthy relationship¹⁴.

Signs of Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style in Parents

Less likely to be parents

They generally do not like to become caregivers⁴.

Because they have difficulty providing emotional support to others, when they do become parents, they also have difficulty providing supportive care to their children.

Hostile parenting style

If they become parents, avoidant parents tend to have a more hostile parenting style than those with a secure attachment type. They tend to advocate harsher disciplinary methods for young kids.

Fearful-avoidant parents are emotionally unaccepting. They expect their children to be independent and less affectionate.

Detached and distant

Avoidant parents are less warm and supportive with their children. They also feel less emotionally attached to them¹⁵. They keep a distance from their children in emotional situations.

More stressful, less rewarding

These individuals are less likely to feel confident in their ability to parent. They find parenting to be more stressful, less meaningful, and less rewarding⁴.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a debilitating mental illness characterized by chaotic and dramatic relationships, emotional instability, poor impulse control, anger outbursts, dissociative symptoms, as well as suicidal behaviors.

Having a partner with BPD can sometimes feel like riding an emotional roller coaster.

But having fearful-avoidant attachment does not automatically mean one has BPD. Although some studies found that BPD was associated with fearful avoidant attachment and preoccupied attachment, a 2005 research reviewed nine studies on this topic and determined that was not entirely the case.

Several studies have found that this association is not higher than other psychiatric disorders¹⁶.

How to Fix Fearful Avoidant Attachment

You might be discouraged to read all the symptoms and related outcomes if you are an avoidant adult looking for a solution. However, those are just statistics.

You don’t have to be part of those statistics.

Healing begins with understanding where your attachment comes from and why you act the way you do.

Fearfully avoidant adults:

want to seek intimacy, but at the same time avoid close connections because they do not trust their partners, or because they fear rejection due to negative self-regard.
sometimes act confused, disoriented, and unpredictable with romantic partners due to mixed intentions.
cannot regulate their emotions well.
have rocky relationships and are hard to connect with.

The good news is, understanding the problem’s root and having self-awareness are half the battle won.

People whose lives are affected adversely by their early childhood experiences can overcome fearful avoidant attachment style with help.

Seeking professional help is the first step.

Keep in mind that they may experience more problems in mental health treatment such as therapy because they may not feel secure connecting with the therapist at first. When seeking help, beware of these characteristics and don’t give up easily¹⁷. A secure relationship takes time to develop, and the same is true for the relationship between therapist and patient.

A therapist can also help you set healthy boundaries, boost low self-confidence and look for safe relationships if you are currently in an abusive relationship.

Having a sense of security is an important step in healing. In the long term, your hard work will be rewarded.

References

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Wearden AJ, Lamberton N, Crook N, Walsh V. Adult attachment, alexithymia, and symptom reporting. Journal of Psychosomatic Research. Published online March 2005:279-288. doi:10.1016/j.jpsychores.2004.09.010
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Lawler-Row KA, Younger JW, Piferi RL, Jones WH. The Role of Adult Attachment Style in Forgiveness Following an Interpersonal Offense. Journal of Counseling & Development. Published online October 2006:493-502. doi:10.1002/j.1556-6678.2006.tb00434.x
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Brennan KA, Shaver PR, Tobey AE. Attachment Styles, Gender and Parental Problem Drinking. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Published online November 1991:451-466. doi:10.1177/026540759184001
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Rholes WS, Simpson JA, Friedman M. Avoidant Attachment and the Experience of Parenting. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. Published online March 2006:275-285. doi:10.1177/0146167205280910
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Unger JAM, De Luca RV. The Relationship Between Childhood Physical Abuse and Adult Attachment Styles. J Fam Viol. Published online March 23, 2014:223-234. doi:10. 1007/s10896-014-9588-3
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Paetzold RL, Rholes WS, Kohn JL. Disorganized Attachment in Adulthood: Theory, Measurement, and Implications for Romantic Relationships. Review of General Psychology. Published online June 2015:146-156. doi:10.1037/gpr0000042
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Levy KN, Blatt SJ, Shaver PR. Attachment styles and parental representations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Published online 1998:407-419. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.74.2.407
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Collins NL, Feeney BC. Working Models of Attachment Shape Perceptions of Social Support: Evidence From Experimental and Observational Studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Published online 2004:363-383. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.87.3.363
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Crittenden PM, Ainsworth MDS. Child maltreatment and attachment theory. In: Child Maltreatment. Cambridge University Press; 1989:432-463. doi:10.1017/cbo9780511665707.015
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Simpson JA, Rholes WS, Oriña MM, Grich J. Working Models of Attachment, Support Giving, and Support Seeking in a Stressful Situation. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. Published online May 2002:598-608. doi:10.1177/0146167202288004
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Simpson JA, Rholes WS, Nelligan JS. Support seeking and support giving within couples in an anxiety-provoking situation: The role of attachment styles. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Published online 1992:434-446. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.62.3.434
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Fraley RC, Bonanno GA. Attachment and Loss: A Test of Three Competing Models on the Association between Attachment-Related Avoidance and Adaptation to Bereavement. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. Published online July 2004:878-890. doi:10.1177/0146167204264289
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Dutton DG, Saunders K, Starzomski A, Bartholomew K. Intimacy-Anger and Insecure Attachment as Precursors of Abuse in Intimate Relationships1. J Appl Social Pyschol. Published online August 1994:1367-1386. doi:10.1111/j.1559-1816.1994.tb01554.x
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Sonkin DJ, Dutton D. Treating Assaultive Men from an Attachment Perspective. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. Published online August 11, 2003:105-133. doi:10.1300/j146v07n01_06
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RHOLES WS, SIMPSON JA, BLAKELY BS. Adult attachment styles and mothers’ relationships with their young children. Personal Relationships. Published online March 1995:35-54. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.1995.tb00076.x
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LEVY KN. The implications of attachment theory and research for understanding borderline personality disorder. Develop Psychopathol. Published online December 2005. doi:10.1017/s0954579405050455
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Reis S, Grenyer BFS. Fearful attachment, working alliance and treatment response for individuals with major depression. Clin Psychol Psychother. Published online 2004:414-424. doi:10. 1002/cpp.428

How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Affects Relationships

People learn to attach to each other through relationships with their parents.

Babies whose needs are met are more likely to develop into safe, emotionally strong individuals. Infants whose needs are not met can develop anxious, avoidant, and even fearful personalities.

The type of personality you develop can determine a lot in your life. In particular, it plays an important role in how you find and maintain relationships.

People who develop an avoidant-fearful attachment style often desire intimacy. They seek intimacy from partners. However, they may not be able to achieve the deep connection they seek.

This is because their attachment experience has taught them to fear intimacy. In some cases, their personality makes them even reject close ties. This can set off a cycle of rocky relationships and extreme emotional ups and downs.

Understanding fearful avoidant attachment can help you understand why you react the way you do in a relationship. If you think a loved one has this attachment style, understanding where instincts come from can also help you respond to them.

Ultimately, however, there are ways to relearn attachment so that you or your loved one can have a healthier relationship.

Attachment styles

Several types of attachment styles are born in the first years of a person's life. These broad attachment styles include:

Secure versus insecure

Infants whose needs are met develop secure attachments. They are more likely to feel confident and trusting.

People who did not have their earliest needs met, or those who faced adversity at that time, may be less self-confident. They may also find it difficult to establish intimate relationships.

Anxious

People with an insecure attachment style may develop characteristics that further explain why it is so difficult for them to connect with others.

People with preoccupied attachment, for example, are very eager to feel desired. They spend a lot of time thinking about relationships and idolizing their future partners.

In turn, they require frequent certification and verification. This can be exhausting for the partner and difficult to maintain.

Negligent avoidant attachment

People with this type of attachment find it difficult to be open with others. They often reject emotional offers from loved ones or potential partners.

This self-isolation can eventually lead people to feel that the relationship is not worth the trouble.

Fearful avoidant attachment

This last style of attachment occurs in people who react to lack of attachment with fear of future connections. However, they often still want a relationship.

In fact, they may be actively looking for them. But when a relationship gets too serious or a partner wants more intimacy, a person with fearful avoidant attachment may react by withdrawing from the relationship entirely.

In childhood

Children learn attachment behavior from an early age. During infancy, infants learn to bond with another person based on behaviors or reactions they receive from their parents, caregivers, or others.

If the attachment is strong, the child may feel secure. This can lead to future healthy relationships.

If attachment is questioned, the child may struggle with future relationships and attachments. They may face insecurity in the face of emotional situations.

As children grow older and enter adulthood, these attachment styles can have profound consequences. A person's attachment style will play a role in their romantic relationships as well as professional and friendship relationships.

Signs

People with fearful avoidant attachment may show signs such as:

tumultuous, highly emotional relationships
conflicting feelings about relationships (both desire for a romantic relationship and fear of being hurt or abandoned by significant others)
tendency to look for flaws in partners or friends in order to find an excuse to break off relations
resistance to commitment and intimacy
fear or anxiety about being inadequate to a partner or relationship
giving up when things get intimate or emotional

In a relationship

People with fearful avoidant attachments tend to have difficult, dramatic relationships. These scenarios can help you understand how people with this type of attachment behave and why.

They may prefer casual sex.

While people with fearful avoidance actively want to have a relationship, their instincts work against their desires. They resist the intimacy required for a relationship, so casual sex may feel safer for them.

They can be unpredictable

People with this type of attachment are afraid of being abandoned. They are also afraid of being trapped in a relationship. This causes them to oscillate between emotional ups and downs. This can get in the way of meaningful relationships in the long run. They may appear unstable or reactive to others.

They can quickly close

In the normal course of a relationship, partners learn that they love each other, dislike each other, fears, anxieties and much more.

When a person with fearful avoidant attachment begins to feel pushed to share his emotions and innermost thoughts, he may stop communicating altogether. This is to protect them from the fear of being too exposed.

Treatment

You can change your attachment style. While most people develop their style from infancy, therapists and other mental health professionals can work with you to understand your style, why you react the way you do, and learn how to adapt new techniques.

Talk therapy is fundamental to helping people learn to cope with fearful avoidant attachment and eventually let go of it. Therapists can identify reasons why a person may have adapted this style. They can then work with you to relearn attachment.

At the same time, family or relationship counseling can help your loved ones learn to deal with these changes.

To a large extent, attachment style is reinforced by the behavior of others. If you can work together, it will be easier for you to relearn attachment.

Coping

If you have fearful avoidant attachment or are in a relationship with someone who has avoidant attachment, these tips will help you learn to cope as you begin to better understand and rebuild your relationship.

Encourage openness, but do not insist on it

People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. They are also very scared of it. You can encourage them to talk about how they feel or their fears, but don't be aggressive. This may push them to close.

Be reassuring

If your partner or loved one has this attachment style, they end up afraid that you will leave them or that they themselves will want to leave. Be comforting and supportive. Seeing that you stay with them during this time of understanding and change can build trust to a great extent.

Appreciate yourself

People with insecure attachments often have low self-esteem. This can be a problem in many ways. Give yourself the opportunity to understand that some relationships are worth your effort and some are not.

Gradually you will find healthier ways to communicate. Intimate, long-term relationships are possible.

Define boundaries

Instinctively, people with this type of attachment often set boundaries, mostly invisible. They don't always know where they are or why they are, but these boundaries help them feel secure in emotional situations.

If you try to articulate these boundaries, others in your life may benefit. Tell them what makes you feel fear and what makes you anxious. This may help you avoid them together.

Understand your instincts

You and your family member, friend or partner are completely different. You react differently to each other. It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognize your tendencies and actively work to correct them.

If you tend to close when emotional conversations begin, your partner may actively push you to open up. If your partner becomes emotionally charged, you can use techniques to promote calm.

You can hold each other accountable and you can become better communicators. A therapist can help you start this process.

Consider therapy

People with this type of attachment often don't know how they should react in emotional situations.

A therapist can help relieve uncomfortable conversations with yourself and loved ones about how you or they feel. The therapist can then help you relearn how to respond to each other in a healthy way.

Here's how to access therapy for any budget.

Bottom line

Attachment is the primary way people learn to interact and communicate with each other.

Some people have healthy, strong attachment styles. Others may have less secure attachment styles. This can lead to self-destructive behaviors such as relationship avoidance and fear of intimacy.

The good news is that you can change your attachment style. It may take time, work, and a lot of understanding from the people in your life. But you can build close, secure relationships that will satisfy you and help you feel secure.

understanding the types of attachment • Articles on the website of the publishing house BOMBOR

Articles
May 26, 2021

We talk about three types of attachment and explain what to do if your type interferes with building relationships with others.

More interesting things below

He wants to watch TV after work, but she misses him so much. She wants noisy parties, and he likes to be alone with his thoughts. And it seems like they can't be together. But it's not. It is not necessary to part with a loved one, scandal and hurt. It is enough just to find out your type of attachment and build relationships. And the book of family therapist Annie Chen "Attachment Theory" will help with this.

Anxious type

Traits of people with an anxious type:

They are incredibly generous and considerate towards those they care about
Fear of being rejected and abandoned
Willingly tell others about their feelings
Often blame others for their own feelings, for example, "You make me feel so bad!".

The biggest fear of people with this type is to be alone. They do not feel safe in a relationship, fear that they will be betrayed and left alone. They really need the support and warmth of a partner. They quickly sink into despair and are disappointed in everything in advance.

An example of people with an anxious attachment type:

Asha was in her early twenties when she noticed a strange tendency in herself. She easily approached people and made friends, but after a few years the relationship ended because of her anger and jealousy, since the interests of friends were not always connected only with her.

Healing the Anxious Self

If you recognize yourself in the description of the anxiety type and want to change something, here are a few steps to help you do it:

Be patient with people
Remember that if someone cannot meet your needs, there is nothing wrong with that.
Learn to trust your partner and look for support within yourself
Forgive yourself for everything you have done in the past
Treat yourself with understanding

Avoidant

Avoidant traits:

Self-reliant and prefer to handle problems on their own
Do not complain or whine
Talk about anything but themselves
Often notice memory problems
Avoid conflicts and negative emotions.

Avoidance behavior can manifest itself in various ways: through ignoring the conflict, through denial of what is happening, or even through avoidance of reality.

There are milder reactions: the desire to please others or to be needed - up to the rejection of one's needs. Reactions can be different, the main thing is that they help a person protect himself from feelings of shame and insecurity.

An example of avoidant attachments:

Kyle has been married for sixteen years. In recent years, quarrels with his wife have become much more frequent. The wife complained that Kyle does not talk about his feelings and reacts to everything with hostility. Kyle, on the other hand, wanted his wife to be happy, but did not know what was needed for this, so every time the woman raised this topic again and again, he plunged into stress.

Healing the avoidant self

If you recognize yourself in the description of an avoidant type of attachment and he has spoiled your relationship more than once, remember - this is not your fault. These patterns of behavior were established in childhood, before you learned to make your own decisions.

Here are some steps to help build stronger relationships:

Accept your wants and needs
Learn to be more open with loved ones
Accept that everyone is different
Learn to deal with other people if you offend them.

Reliable type

Traits of people with reliable type:

Easily adapt to new conditions and changing circumstances
Believe in relationships and prioritize them
Appreciate working on relationships, especially if something goes wrong
Confidently handle challenges and disagreements.

A reliable type of attachment allows a person to think clearly and adequately perceive the situation, even if a conflict arises. A person with this type does not experience stress due to closeness with other people. For people with secure attachments, connecting with others is a natural human need, a pleasant experience that they enjoy.

An example of people with secure attachments:

Last year, Tilda faced a real set of bad luck. She was laid off at work, her mother died of cancer, and a few months later her house and her husband burned down in a terrible fire. Tilda appreciates her marriage because, going through all these difficulties, her relationship with her husband has become a source of stability for her. “It was tough for both of us, but we knew we would break through eventually. I don’t even know what I would do without him, ”Tilda shared.

It is important to remember that any type of attachment can be developed. This is not an innate, but an acquired quality.

Annie Chen's book Attachment Theory will help you build relationships with family, colleagues, and friends. In it you will find exercises, practices and tests that will allow you to better understand yourself and others and start building healthy relationships.

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