Introverts and romantic relationships
Why Introverts Struggle to Find Love (and What to Do About It)
Our significant other may have trouble accepting our need for solitude and may take it personally when we want to recharge alone.
Introverts crave meaningful connection, and in romantic love, I dare say we give it our all. We’re selective about the people we spend time with — those who just “get” us — and when we let someone into our inner world, it’s done with great care and consideration.
Sure, we introverts are sometimes a bit tricky to get to know, as we don’t like to draw attention to ourselves, and we need plenty of time to open up to others. But, when given the right circumstances, finding love and connecting with someone can be the most rewarding experience. However, there are several challenging aspects of dating as an introvert, too.
1. Being lost in your mind keeps you from acting.
As introverts, we’re often said to be “in our heads too much.” Left daydreaming for too long, it’s no wonder that we’re losing out on time to connect with our surroundings, including the pool of potential partners. We relish our active minds and thinking abilities, and probably wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, but it can keep us from initiating conversations with romantic prospects.
Since most of our attention is directed at reflective thought and listening, we show interest through subtle cues rather than overt statements. (Here are nine signs that an introvert likes you as more than a friend.) Even if we meet someone who catches our interest, we run the risk of being unable to express it… so the person may have no idea that we’re interested!
What to do instead: To tackle this problem, make it a regular practice to put down your phone (or book) and notice the faces of those around you. I find it helpful to do this practice when partaking in certain activities, like when out for a walk or having a meal in a restaurant. As uncomfortable as it may be, push yourself to curiously ask someone who catches your interest some questions and just see what happens.
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2. Your perfectionistic introvert tendencies get in the way.
Many introverts are perfectionists when it comes to doing things, including wanting a certain type of partner. Plus, because of our highly active minds, chances are we’ve given much thought to what our love lives might look like. We’re dreamers — and often idealists — placing high expectations on ourselves and those around us. Our focus is often so sharp and our energy is so limited that if we choose to commit to another person, it better be good. Like, really good. The relationship must complement our preference to explore our solitary land of thoughts, dreams, and aspirations.
Just like anyone else, we long for the perfectly loving and harmonious relationship, but being introverts, we may fear the conflict, friction, and energy drain that often comes with being close with another person.
Add a history of ended relationships and painful memories, and we may even feel hopeless about finding the right person.
What to do instead: At times, all our idealizing may hint at obsession or serious infatuation, and we need to remember that no one is perfect. An easy exercise to do is to consider your own flaws — it’s very humbling to realize that your dream partner surely has their own set of peculiarities. (Read about the danger of infatuation, and how introverts can avoid it, here.)
3. The “introvert hangover” applies to romance, too.
Sometimes, we experience an “introvert hangover,” no matter how close we are with someone. That’s when we need alone time from our romantic partner; we just don’t have any more energy to share. It takes a strong partner to accept our need for solitude to recharge and not take it personally.
If we suspect that they don’t trust us when we say we need to spend the weekend alone, we may feel unable to brush off this suspicion.
This will make us feel uncomfortable with being our authentic selves, and it may start to eat away at the basis of what we think a healthy relationship should be. If the foundation lacks this acceptance and understanding, we’re likely to start to withdraw, perhaps to the point of no return.
What to do instead: We introverts shouldn’t be afraid of communicating our needs, and the best way to do this is to talk about your need for solitude early on in the relationship, when the two of you are just beginning to set expectations. Understanding your introvert needs — before you declare you’re spending the night alone — will help your significant other take your withdrawal less personally.
Are you an introvert who shuts down around the people you’re attracted to?
As an introvert, you actually have the amazing ability to be irresistible, without forcing yourself to talk more. It all starts with recognizing the most common myths about dating and learning a framework for fun, flirty conversations — no extroversion needed.
To learn how to connect with your true sensuality, relax, and open up on dates, we recommend Michaela Chung’s online courses for introverted men and introverted women.
4. Introverts are all about comfort and flow, not sudden change.
All humans are creatures of habit and, therefore, change — positive and negative — can cause anxiety and unwanted feelings of loss of control. In the world of an introvert, any changes in the external environment can amplify a general sense of discomfort. We’re wired a bit differently, and when our brains respond to the increased flow of dopamine, it does so without mercy.
In turn, this can leave us overthinking and ruminating. It may keep us up at night, thinking about why we did or didn’t say this or that, and wondering exactly what our love interest meant when they said xyz. With a nervous system increasingly frazzled, we may start wondering if this whole love business is even worth the momentary bouts of bliss.
What to do instead: By adopting the view of a lifelong learner, this need for ease will slowly diminish.
If we remind ourselves that life is sometimes messy and full of suffering — and we see hardship as a necessary contrast to the brighter moments — we can train our minds to accept and welcome the shadow aspects of our reality. Like blessings in disguise.
5. The world itself seems to favor something that you’re not.
Sometimes, it feels like the dating scene is all about showcasing our sociability, because we are looking for someone to socialize intensely with, aren’t we? Urban environments in particular offer little respite from the constant hustle and what seems like an incessant need for social approval. This might make us introverts feel especially misplaced.
And, let’s face it: Dating can feel like selling your soul. When a relationship begins, it can become awkward having to explain our introversion to someone who’s an extrovert, fearing that we’ll be misunderstood or that they’ll even hope for us to change and “be more social.” No one likes having to apologize for their inherent traits and specific needs.
One of the most painful things for an introvert may be when someone asks us to become someone that we essentially can never be.
What to do instead: By communicating and sharing experiences, we can express what it’s like being an introvert. Yes, we like spending time with you… just not 24/7 (we recharge when we’re alone). It’s just a different way of being and going about life, and the more we talk about it, perhaps the more the world will understand. (Here are some more tips for maintaining a relationship with an extrovert when you’re an introvert.)
6. You need to think before speaking.
Many introverts are far more confident expressing themselves in writing. Often expert listeners, we absorb what another person is saying, sometimes without giving too much talk in return. It’s not that we don’t have an opinion. Sometimes it just takes us a little while to process things. It’s not unusual for us to take all kinds of thoughts into consideration when forming a conclusion.
And if we’re caught suffering from a sleep deficit, it’s going to make everything a lot worse — a lack of sleep makes the introvert brain particularly susceptible to feeling foggy and miscommunicating. Add to this that it takes a whole lot of trust for an introvert to open up — let alone flirt — so verbal communication might not come as easily as we would hope.
What to do instead: It’s all about practice. Many top-performing business execs and public speakers are introverts who’ve had a tremendous amount of guidance and training. A good way of practicing is to make small audio recordings of yourself (you can just use your phone). Talk about your day, a dream you had recently, describe a person you like, describe yourself, ask questions… Then listen to it and get used to hearing your own voice. With time, this can foster real confidence.
7. You may put the other person’s needs first, which leads to exhaustion.
As we tend not to give ourselves away easily, when we introverts do find a relationship that’s worth pursuing, it probably means we’re very interested.
There is seldom any lukewarm kind of romance for an introvert. As much as we love the other person, this may lead to compromising our needs in the form of not getting enough of that precious alone time.
If a relationship is formed too quickly and intensely, it may lead to burnout. We may be simply too kind (and perhaps too much in love) to demand or feel the need to take proper care of ourselves. It can be complicated for an introvert to express these needs and have them understood, especially if we’ve given our love interest an entirely different first impression. This places additional stress on the introvert’s sensitive system. While we don’t want to disappoint others, we also have to keep our needs in mind.
What to do instead: Go at your own pace and listen to your introvert instincts — it’s perfectly okay to stay home with a book instead. Embrace any subtle warning signs early, and take action to avoid going down the path of exhaustion and not being your authentic self.
By being gentle, yet assertive, you communicate that you have integrity and self-respect, and that you know the true value of taking care of yourself. And your (future) partner will know and understand this, too.
You might like:
- Will I Be Single Forever? 6 Introvert Dating Struggles
- The Flirting Styles That Work Best for Introverts
- Why Sleeping Apart From My Partner Works for Me as an Introvert
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12 Things to Know About Being in a Relationship With an Introvert
Love and Dating
ByJenn Granneman
She was the one at the party hanging back from the crowd, but she wasn’t doing nothing. From the look in her eyes, you could tell she was watching the scene and not missing a thing. When you talked to her, she didn’t bore you with superficial chatter about her weekend — she actually had something meaningful to say.
Or maybe he was the quiet guy in the cubicle next to you. You almost always had to start the conversation, but when you did, it was worth it. He was witty and smart — a little unconventional — and you knew right away there was something different about this one.
However you met your introvert, one thing’s for sure: His or her quiet charm drew you in, and now you’re here to stay. Maybe you’re an extrovert who relishes your introverted partner’s depth and ability to listen, or maybe you’re an introvert yourself who finds quiet companionship with your like-minded lover. Whether you’ve been with your introvert for one week or one decade, here are 12 things you should know about being in a relationship with an introvert:
1. We take things slowly. If extroverts are the hares, then introverts are the tortoises. Introverts tend to open up to new people more slowly than extroverts. We may be slower to make a move, like asking you out or getting physical. Also, we may be slower to reach relationship milestones, like saying “I love you” for the first time or proposing.
That’s because we like to think things through and carefully consider all aspects of a situation before we make a decision. We need time to process our experiences and reflect. Relationships are no exception.
2. We may have trouble talking about ourselves. Seriously. If we’re on a date with you, especially a first or second date, we may stutter and fumble for words when you ask us about ourselves. Introverts are like onions — our personality has many layers, and it takes a while to discover them all, especially the hidden layers closest to the core. We’re private and we won’t reveal the most personal parts of us until we fully trust you. Give us time.
3. We flirt differently. Think subtle moves, not bold. A sly smile. A gaze that lingers. Listening intensely and asking thoughtful questions. Revealing our secret inner world to you. What we probably won’t do: aggressively hit on you or make overtly sexual remarks.
4. Introverts don’t like being the center of attention.
It’s probably not a good idea to propose live on a Jumbotron during the big game or ask the servers to sing “Happy Birthday” to us in a crowded restaurant. You may look around only to find your introvert hiding under their seat!
5. Want to truly connect with us? Talk about ideas. There will always be some level of small talk in a relationship: “How was your day?” or “How are you?” But introverts tire quickly of mundane chitchat. We truly feel connected to others when we can talk about big ideas or other meaningful topics. Try asking your introvert some deeper questions: What in your life are you most proud of? Do you have a dream or goal that you’ve never shared or thought was possible? Have you ever read a book that changed you? Your introvert will likely light up at the chance to talk about something meaningful.
6. We won’t go to every single party, happy hour, or family get-together. If you’re an extrovert who loves a party, this is something you’ll have to accept and respect about us, because it’s probably not something that will change.
Of course, as a partner who cares about you, we will go to some social events — but we may want to leave early because we’re “peopled” out. Remember, large crowds, busy environments, and socializing drain us because we have a less active dopamine reward system than extroverts. Look for ways to compromise.
7. We may be sensitive to conflict. In fact, many introverts struggle to meet conflict head-on, because arguing can be overstimulating and stressful. We may bottle up our feelings and revert to people-pleasing behaviors to avoid disagreements, or we may shut down when an argument does erupt. Tread gently. Some introverts find it helpful to write about their feelings or to step away from the conflict for a bit to process things. Don’t take it personally if we need a brief time-out.
8. We think. A lot. We practically live inside our heads — and we get lost in there sometimes! If we go quiet on you, don’t assume that we’re mad at you or feeling depressed.
We may be just thinking.
9. A busy schedule with no downtime will poison us. A weekend full of activities is what dopamine-loving extroverts crave, but for introverts, it can be too much. Our internal resources get depleted, and we feel the need to retreat alone to a quiet space to recharge. Sometimes we’ll want to be completely alone, while other times, we may enjoy having you join us in quiet solidarity.
10. Know that introversion and extroversion aren’t all-or-nothing traits. In other words, most people don’t fit perfectly into one category or the other. Just like extroverts can have their quiet moments, introverts can also enjoy socializing. It’s really just a matter of dosage. So don’t intentionally leave your introvert at home while you go to gatherings because you think they won’t enjoy them. Likewise, don’t be surprised if your introvert wants to go out or host a party. Introverts get lonely, too.
11. We want quality time with you. This means time with you and you only — no friends, family members, or kids around for a while.
We may be quiet in groups, but we can be masterful at connecting one-on-one. We’ll use this time to try to reconnect with you authentically. “When an introvert cares about someone, she also wants contact, not so much to keep up with the events of the other person’s life, but to keep up with what’s inside: the evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings,” writes Laurie Helgoe in Introvert Power.
12. Although we may not be the best at expressing it, we love you deeply. “Introverts treasure the close relationships they have stretched so much to make,” writes Adam S. McHugh in Introverts in the Church.
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Read this: 21 Undeniable Signs That You’re an Introvert
Learn more: The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World, by Jenn Granneman
Jenn Granneman
I'm the founder of Introvert, Dear and the co-founder of Sensitive Refuge.
An educator and a journalist, I'm the co-author of SENSITIVE and the author of THE SECRET LIVES OF INTROVERTS. I have been featured in the NY Times, the Washington Post, the BBC, Oprah Daily, Buzzfeed, Glamour, HuffPost, and more, as well as numerous podcasts. I also hosted my own podcast, called The Introvert, Dear Podcast. Since embracing my own introversion and sensitivity, I read too many self-help books and live a pleasantly boring life in St. Paul, Minnesota.
8 signs of a romantic introvert | PSYCHOLOGIES
23,575
Know Yourself
Introverts are known to have little interest in the outside world. However, they also go on dates, fall in love and get married. Often their behavior and ideas about love do not correspond to stereotypes, and others misunderstand them.
1. He is waiting for his one and only
These people take romantic relationships seriously. They are not inclined to flirt with everyone and often change partners.
Introverts strive to find a person who suits them. They are tired of romantic courtship, obligatory rituals and violent displays of emotion. Once they find their person, they breathe a sigh of relief because they can be themselves again. nine0003
2. He is looking for a faithful and reliable partner
Such people value predictability and reliability. If a potential partner personifies these qualities, he has every chance to take a place in his heart. And a spontaneous, rowdy, adventurous person is more likely to be perceived as a threat to security and stability.
3. He does not openly show feelings
Introverts try to get the attention of a person they like by hinting at their attitude. They do not like long conversations about love and are embarrassed to directly confess their feelings. Unfortunately, it is because of this that they often fail in love. nine0003
4. He spends a lot of time thinking about love
Such people are prone to long reflections and analysis.
They hesitate for a long time to invite the person they like on a date, because they cannot decide whether this person is the right one. Even having started dating someone, they continue to show indecision.
5. He dreams of romance, but rarely makes his dreams come true.
Introverts like to fantasize, imagine themselves as heroes of films and books, or invent their own romantic scenarios. Contrary to popular belief about spiritual callousness, some of them are very emotional. nine0003
Stormy passion, expressive expression of emotions and showdown of relationships tire such a person. Erotic fantasies are original and varied, but rarely become reality.6. He does not strive for the rapid development of relationships
If they decide on a romantic relationship, then they develop slowly. They try to get to know their partner better in order to understand whether he is suitable for living together. A stormy passion, an expressive expression of emotions and a showdown of relationships tire such a person, confuse him.
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7. He is in dire need of solitude, even if he has found his soulmate
Even the most harmonious relationship is tiring. Introverts are happy only when they have the opportunity to be alone for a while, reflect on life and relationships. Only alone with themselves they rest, recuperate and understand what to do next.
8. He analyzes dates and quarrels
Introverts tend to analyze everything that happens to them. Romantic relationships are no exception. Sometimes they get so “stuck” thinking about “what would happen if…” that they can’t take action. However, internal analysis is necessary for them to feel comfortable. nine0003
About the Author
Preston Nee - coach, author of How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, Allyn & Bacon, 1999. His site.
Text: Alexandra Galimova Photo Source: Getty Images
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7 reasons to fall in love with an introvert
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Man and womanMan among people
- Photo
- Unsplash
In a world with a fast pace of life and a high degree of social activity, introverts look something unnatural. We misunderstand and underestimate them. It seems to us that an introvert is a reserved and shy person. This is not true.
An introvert really doesn't like wasting energy on superficial conversations and fleeting connections. This does not mean that he has nothing to say. On the contrary, he can tell a lot, but prefers to talk only about what is important.
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It's not boring. If he lets you into the soul, you will find yourself in a world that you did not suspect. If he falls in love, the experience will be unforgettable. So, introverts…
1. Know themselves well
They live a rich inner life. They spend a lot of time in the labyrinths of the inner world and get to know themselves deeply. Introspection is a close friend of the introvert.
Such people get to know themselves and find out what their essence is, analyze why they have become the way they are. Thanks to all this, they understand others well. When it comes time to get to know your soulmate, they spare no effort, trying to get to know you and understand you as deeply as possible. nine0003
2. Strive for intimacy
Introverts want you to show your true self without shame or embarrassment. They do not accept empty talk and superficial relationships. They want to know what calms you down, what prevents you from falling asleep, where the scar on your knee comes from.
What do you hope for, what do you dream about, what are you afraid of, and where did you get these desires, hopes and fears.
3. Constantly watching
They are often quiet, it's true. But when this happens, they observe your actions, mark every word, remember in detail every conversation and moment spent with you. nine0003
4. Hear and understand you
When this person gets to know your true self, he does so with attention and understanding. They have developed intuition. They pick up on your emotions and adjust to them without judgment.
5. Attached to a partner
They are selective in relationships, wisely choose loved ones. If an introvert has decided to be with you, he has thought and weighed this decision. This means that next to you he is calm and comfortable. He feels that he can trust you and be himself. You are a special and unique person. He will take care of you and never stop appreciating you.
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6. Do not scatter words
Such people are laconic with those whom they do not know well, they cannot stand small talk. But if they feel comfortable with you, they open up completely. If they want to say something, then it is important.
When an introvert opens up to you, it is a sign of trust and affection. These people do not bare their souls in front of the first comer. When you open up in return, they appreciate the move. If he loves, he loves with all his heart. nine0003
Introverts respect your life outside of relationships and value your independence. They know that your world is not limited to them. They also want you to be yourself. They will not force you to choose between love and friendship, family, goals, hobbies and career.
7. Respect personal space
They need to spend time alone to relax, gain strength and clear their heads. When you need to do the same, they will understand your desires and respect them.
They won't take your need for solitude as an insult. nine0003
Introverts have a developed imagination, many of them are creative people. They make thinkers, writers and artists. Unexplored worlds live inside, oceans rage in their hearts. They are one of the most passionate, understanding and caring lovers.
Shopping bag "Introvert"
We have already learned the advantages of relationships with introverts, it remains only to figure out how to let potential partners know that we belong to this category. For this purpose, a fashionable shopper bag is perfect, which will send a signal to others, and at the same time decorate our image. nine0003
Advertising. OOO "Yandex"
Text: Zhanna Omelianenko Photo source: Unsplash
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