Inconsiderate family members

15 Signs of a Toxic Family Member, and What to Do About Them

Some lucky people are born into families they adore spending time with—their loving mutual bonds make holidays and multi-generational vacations a drama-free joy. But for others, simply seeing an incoming call from a parent triggers an anxiety that dates back to childhood, and they leave family gatherings feeling hurt, angry, or exhausted. Toxic family dynamics can have far-reaching impact on our lives as adults.

And narcissistic parenting isn’t the only type of toxic family relationship. Fern Schumer Chapman, author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, says that this topic isn’t nearly as talked about. “There’s this expectation that siblings will have sustaining relationships for all of their lives,” she says. “So when you say that you don’t, there’s this question of, ‘is there something wrong with you?”’

The reality can be much more complicated. Chapman adds that typically, a toxic person is the product of a toxic environment themselves—so they often aren’t even aware of their own harmful patterns. “I always joke that if you have one toxic person in your family, you probably have ten,” she says. “Because that’s what was modeled.” Without intervention, it can be perpetuated further by marrying into other people’s dysfunctional families.

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Is someone who you're ideally supposed to be close to actually inspiring an instinct to protect yourself? Here are several signs of a toxic family member, and expert advice on dealing with toxic family—because “drink all of the wine” is not a sustainable plan.

They make cruelly critical remarks.

No one's known you longer than your family has, which means they've got a rich back catalog of personal failures to draw from when commenting on your life. Their blunt criticism can wound like a physical jab.

"Toxic parents exhibit a chronic lack of empathy towards their children," says Shannon Thomas, trauma therapist and author of Healing from Hidden Abuse. "These behaviors can manifest through biting remarks about appearance, relationship status, mental or physical health, financial struggles, or career challenges."

Even if they insist they're just teasing, those comments may (even subconsciously) be decimating by design. "It's hard to imagine a parent intentionally taking cheap shots at their children, but it happens when they're toxic," Thomas adds.

They give you the silent treatment.

Yes, words can hurt—but so can their absence. If they refuse to speak to you for hours (or even days) following an argument, it's a form of manipulation. This is true regardless of the family member.

"Toxic family members are notorious for using silence as a form of punishment and emotional control," says Thomas. "They find power in being pursued for a relationship.”

They lie—or deny.

Even when it’s a lie that doesn’t involve or affect you directly, lack of clarity about the truth creates confusion and cultivates a distrust that leaves you wondering what else isn’t true—particularly when it happens repeatedly. “They may even cover a lie with another lie,” says Chapman. Denial may also take the form of (patently false) blanket statements like, “we don’t have secrets in this house.”

They generalize during disagreements.

“Specific details can be debated, but vague accusations are a lot harder to dispute,” Chapman explains. The remarks might sound something like, “it never works out,” or “you always do this.”

They sow conflict with other family members.

Maybe they flat-out ask you why you can't be more like the brother you've always felt competitive with, or they praise his successes in ways that emphasize where you fall short. Or, they might share something another family member said about you. "Unhealthy parents will pit their children against one another, or against other members of the family," says Thomas. "They set up scenarios where jealousy and resentment can flourish."

They change the subject to turn the tables on you.

In an argument, they might deflect attention by bringing up one of your flaws, instead. Chapman offers this example: You tell a loved one you’re concerned about their drug abuse, and they counter with unrelated claims that you’re a bad parent.

A toxic sibling may "side with" your parent.

In a well-adjusted family dynamic, there's usually no such thing as "taking sides." But when someone learns poor relationship patterns from a parent, they may try to earn that parent's affection by replicating those patterns and thus normalizing harmful behavior.

"Toxic siblings often become a supporter of an equally toxic parent," Thomas says. "They'll use similar critical language as the parent, and shame the targeted sibling regarding areas of life they might be feeling vulnerable about."

Fostering or playing into a competitive dynamic that's meant to make you feel bad is another type of toxic sibling behavior, as is conveniently forgetting your invite to family get-togethers. "Their goal is to send the clear message that you're not included on purpose, and they'll often gloat about what a wonderful event it was," Thomas explains.

Beware of repeating toxic patterns with others.

You didn’t choose the family you were raised in, but you can make sure you don't invite new toxic influences into your life by assuming the poor ways they treat you are acceptable. "If one or both parents who raised you exhibited significantly unhealthy traits, your ability to assess red flags in the people you meet will be negatively impacted," says Thomas.

"Without true insight on how our family environment created relational blind spots, we run a high risk of repeating toxic patterns from childhood," she continues. "These could include people-pleasing tendencies, difficulty controlling your anger, or being emotionally unavailable in adult relationships." Auditing your relationships' health through self-examination and the assistance of a mental health professional can help you avoid recreating the toxicity.

Before telling a toxic family member how they make you feel, try this.

If you don't feel that their behavior is extreme enough to warrant cutting off contact—or you’re simply not ready to take that extreme step—you may be tempted to call them out, in an effort to break the cycle. Just be sure to manage your expectations of the conversation: Definitely don't assume you'll get an outright apology, or a sudden improvement in your dynamic. In fact, they may wind up pushing your buttons harder than ever.

Detachment is crucial.

You have no control over someone else's behavior, but you can work on your own reaction to it. When going no-contact isn't an option that you're willing or able to choose, Thomas recommends forging an emotional boundary with what she calls "detached contact."

"Detached contact centers on our ability to be physically present, but not emotionally wounded by the actions of a family member," Thomas explains. "We consciously recognize the psychological games they're playing to get a reaction out of us, but we refuse to engage in the toxicity." Instead, she says, invest your energy in healthier family members who treat you with respect, and "deflect all attempts by the toxic person to engage in an argument or drama." Placing distance between your emotions and their chaos-sowing tactics isn't simple, but it does get easier with practice.

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When

should you cut them off?

Deciding to enforce a no-contact rule is a big move that may test your resolve, call for new family holiday traditions, and spur other family members to try and intervene. It’s certainly not the sole option for every turbulent family bond (see the other possible paths above), nor is it the right option for everyone. It also doesn’t always have to be permanent; in her book, Chapman writes about the long road to successfully repairing her relationship with her own long-estranged brother.

But as Thomas points out, certain situations require it—especially when previous attempts to improve relations are unsuccessful. No-contact becomes an option to consider if the situation is significantly impacting your mental health. "An increase in symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, addictions, and mood instability are all signs of necessary distance from a toxic family member," Thomas says.

"It's an intensely painful experience to face the necessity of cutting a family member out of our lives," she continues. "It's a figurative death with complex grief, because the family member is still living but emotionally unsafe. "

Another reason people may choose to protect themselves with a no-contact rule is out of fear that their own children will be exposed to the same unacceptable behaviors or outright abuse. As Thomas notes, "Toxic parents frequently become toxic grandparents."

Samantha Vincenty

Senior Staff Writer

Samantha Vincenty is the former senior staff writer at Oprah Daily.

This content is imported from OpenWeb. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

7 Strategies to Deal With Difficult Family Members

Source: Phovoir/Shutterstock

Difficult people are everywhere, like it or not. It’s pretty certain that at some point in your life, you’ll come across a challenging person and will have to find a way to deal with them. It would be easy to think, “Why bother?” if being around them causes you grief. But it’s not as easy as that. Sometimes we’re just forced into situations we have little control over.

Being related is one such circumstance. In fact, family members are often the hardest to deal with, because they’re connected to us in a more complicated, intimate way. With difficult acquaintances like friends, colleagues, lovers, or neighbors, you may have to deal with them for a time, either until a conflict between you is resolved, or you are able to remove yourself from the situation. With family, we are almost obligated to go the extra mile for the sake of the integrity of the family group. In other words, personal relationships may affect the family as a whole. If you don’t get along with a family member, it may very well put stress and strain on other familial relationships.

So what do you do with those people you may not like very much and may not choose to have in your life, but are forced to deal with because they’re family?

1. Don’t try to fix the difficult person.

Accept them exactly as they are. (This applies to all difficult people, not just family.) It’s tempting to try to help someone you want to care about; you probably will make some efforts to help them. Sometimes it works, but often your efforts will not be rewarded. In fact, trying to fix someone or make their life better may become a huge headache, since the more you do for them, the more they want from you.

Accept that they are unable to change, at least at this point in time. Unless you see real change — proof that this person is making an effort to listen and meet you halfway — you can assume that their behavior is what it has always been. It’s important to temper your expectations about what others can and want to do.

2. Be present and direct.

Know that a person who is trying to stir up conflict can easily set you off emotionally, and even physically, possibly raising your heart rate and blood pressure. Try to avoid getting into a fight-or-flight response, which inevitably leads to becoming defensive. You do not want an argument or heated discussion. Stay true to yourself, grounded in your own integrity. Be direct and assertive when you express yourself. Stay focused on how you respond. Know when the discussion or argument has accelerated to the point of no return — meaning it’s no longer about conflict resolution, but just about winning. If it gets to this point, stop the interaction, and leave the conversation.

3. Do encourage difficult people to express themselves.

Let them fully state their point of view about the issue/conflict/problem without interruption. Why do they feel judged or criticized by others? What do they feel people misunderstand about them? What do they want or expect from others? The idea is to remain as neutral as possible. Just listening, rather than trying to engage, may be enough to allow someone to feel like they have the opportunity to say what’s on their mind. Showing respect for another’s differences may go a very long way.

4. Watch for trigger topics.

Inevitably there will be topics that represent points of disagreement and disharmony. Know what these topics are, and be extremely aware when these are brought up. Your past experiences should help you, especially when you are confronted with these delicate subjects. Be prepared to address these issues in a direct, non-confrontational way or to deflect the conflict if the atmosphere becomes too heated.

5. Know that some topics are absolutely off-limits.

Period. History and experiences should tell you that these subjects should be avoided at all costs. That’s not to say that important issues should be permanently avoided. Rather, if your experience dealing with certain issues has left you stressed out or emotionally depleted, and the discussion has not progressed sufficiently along to represent a rapprochement, then it’s best to avoid the discussion until a time when both parties are willing to move it forward in a constructive way.

6. It’s not about you — usually.

Yes, it’s hard not to take things personally, especially when you’re attacked or made to feel responsible for someone else. But if you look at the anatomy of a conflict, you can see how these often play out. Notice how people progressively move through a discussion or argument. Usually, it initially centers around a specific topic/disagreement/response that made a person upset. If allowed to continue, the argument can become heated, accelerating quickly to personal attacks (which often includes trying to make you feel responsible or guilty for not responding the way someone wants you to). If you have been through this kind of interaction before, make a concerted effort to imagine it unfolding before it actually does — and then nip it in the bud.

7. Your own well-being comes first.

While you want to be respectful and attentive to others as much as you can, you don’t want to bend over backwards or twist yourself into a knot just to make someone else happy or satisfied, or to keep the peace. Never allow any personal interaction or relationship to infringe upon or challenge your own well-being. Visualize your boundaries, that protective territory between you and someone else. No one is entitled to occupy your space unless you invite them in.

And then there’s that special situation where families gather together for a special occasion or holiday. it’s best to plan ahead so that you have a good idea about how time will be spent with relatives. Don’t leave too much unplanned time; you don’t want to get into a situation where you’re left alone with a difficult family member with whom you have an issue or conflict — someone who confronts, challenges, incites, aggravates, and basically pushes your buttons. Surround yourself with people you get along with, supportive people who care about you, people who are there to enjoy time together.

If the child is inattentive

Parents often face the problem of a child's inattention when the child goes to the older groups of the kindergarten or is preparing to study at school.

At the age of 5-7 years, you already need to be able to concentrate on learning tasks, and then it becomes noticeable that it is difficult for the child to concentrate, he is often distracted, skips letters when writing and reading, asks questions on the same topic and does not remember the answer. The work is done superficially or too slowly, the child gets tired quickly and can often be caught daydreaming about the task. nine0003
Most often, problems with concentration of attention occur at preschool age: normally, the time to keep attention on an object or lesson for children 5–7 years old is 30 minutes, but often children do not fit into this norm.

Difficulties with switching attention also make themselves felt - when the child is constantly distracted or cannot get involved in work after changing activities, for example, start solving examples after physical education.

If a child is inattentive, it is very difficult for him to concentrate on any subject, conversation or lesson, to bring the work he has started to the end. nine0003
It is necessary to pay attention to a very important point. Each child can be inattentive if tired or distracted in class by another child or birds outside the window. Inattention becomes a problem and needs to be addressed if it is repeated constantly, if the child not only weakly concentrates, but also poorly remembers information, poorly understands instructions and tasks.

Without understanding the cause of inattention, it is impossible to resist it.

First of all, you need to calm down. It is required to analyze the actions of the child and identify the reason why he became inattentive. nine0003
The reasons may be the following:

1. Hyperactivity. It is not difficult to identify it, just observe it and it will become noticeable that the child is restless and more active than his peers. Such children cannot be motionless for a long time (sit in one place), they are also more often distracted by extraneous factors (a bird outside the window, a car passing by, etc. ).

2. Frequently ill children. Permanent sick leave does not contribute to the successful assimilation of new material. It is very difficult for a child to fully immerse himself in the learning process due to the general weakened state of the body, which leads to even greater absent-mindedness during classes. nine0003

3. Type of nervous system. This factor determines the difference between children in temperament and behavior. If the excitation of the nervous system prevails over inhibition in a child, he will switch well from task to task, notice many things, but be quickly distracted. If inhibition prevails over excitation, then it will be difficult for the child to concentrate on one or another activity, but if he has done it, then he will not be torn off. nine0003
4. High loads. After kindergarten, children are often taken to additional classes: after classes, the child can go to the pool, then to karate, then to music. In the free two hours a day, he has to have dinner, chat with his parents, play games and pack things for tomorrow. Most likely, at this pace, the child will be very tired and he will not have the strength to concentrate and attentiveness.

5. Lack of parental attention. If adults are constantly at work, and the child lacks their attention, he will try to attract him in any way. He may start to act hooligans, fight, receive remarks, etc. Before running to see a neurologist, look at your own relationship with the child from the outside. nine0003
Inattention can occur in any child.

This, as a rule, is facilitated by many factors, such as stress, depression, malnutrition and daily routine, insufficient attention from parents and other adults (teachers, relatives, coaches). Therefore, parents should create favorable conditions for the life and development of children.

The first thing that every parent should do if a deviation is suspected is to contact a pediatrician. The doctor will examine the child, if necessary, give a referral to narrow specialists. If the cause really lies in the disease, absent-mindedness will pass after complete recovery. nine0003
In the case when the child is healthy, do not scold him for carelessness. And even more so, you should not laugh at him either with your family or with friends. Because of ridicule, the child’s self-esteem suffers, he withdraws into himself, begins to get angry at others.

You can not stop trusting an inattentive child with household chores.

His efforts, his desire to help, should be encouraged in every possible way, even if he did not do the job very well. nine0003

Preschoolers should be taught the concept of order and order. If a child has lost a toy and cannot remember where he last played it, do not scold him for it. Try to understand his problem and help solve it. Mom can show the child how to properly prepare clothes in the evening. Together, choose an outfit that you both like, hang it on a hanger.

Before going to bed, preschoolers can already neatly fold their removed clothes and put them on a chair, and make the bed in the morning. You should not take these small responsibilities on yourself, they will only benefit the child. nine0003
Put in order the daily routine, nutrition - it should be distributed and correct, and sleep - quality.

Spend enough time outdoors.

Engage in special exercises to develop attention.

Create a comfortable working environment at home. The atmosphere in the house should be quiet and comfortable, and there should be as few distracting objects as possible: only necessary items on the table, windows to the courtyard where children play and in general, so much interesting things happen, it is also better to cover them with curtains. Motivate to study by encouraging, and also rejoice at his success. nine0003
If the child is engaged, do not distract him, otherwise he will get tired faster.

Teach your child to take “scheduled” breaks from class. You need to spend breaks actively - walk, drink water, do interesting motor exercises. Children love this very much!

Make a plan and daily routine, taking into account the opinion of the child. Post your schedule in a prominent place. Do it together. It will be easier for the child to navigate in time. nine0003
An inattentive child is not a sentence, because there are many ways to train attention.

There are various toys that help develop perseverance and patience. For example, the mosaic and the designer are very fascinated by most children. However, not all parents know that the purpose of these games is not just to assemble the model to the end. In the process itself, fine motor skills develop, and with it memory, logical thinking, attention and speech.

Almost any sport, especially gaming, requires concentration. There is no time to be distracted on the football field or sprint distance. If the child does not like sports or because of inattention is afraid that he will not succeed, play dodgeball with him, “above your feet from the ground” and other outdoor games. They always need to be on the alert. nine0003
Train your attention in everyday situations. Do this always, on walks, at a party, in public places. You can look for objects of one color or another, you can try to remember all the people in the room. If your child lacks a play moment, imagine that you are spies or detectives. In such a game situation, you can figure out the villains by the details of their costumes, as accurately as possible remember the situation or the road that you go to the house.

Attention can and should be developed! It is better to train attention from early childhood. If you notice problems with concentration, you should devote your time to this issue. Here are some practical exercises. They are good because it does not take much time to complete them. But they need to be performed regularly for 2-6 months. nine0003
Schulte table is a table in the form of numbers from 1 to 25, arranged randomly. The meaning of this table is for the child to find, show and name the numbers from 1 to 25 in order as quickly as possible. Arrange competitions - mark the time on the stopwatch and set records!

"Listen and do as I do"

Clap your hands for a certain rhythm and ask them to repeat after you. You can not only clap, but also knock on objects (for example, on a bank, table, book) in a certain rhythm. This exercise is useful for developing auditory memory and attention. nine0003
"Try to describe me"

Stand in front of each other and invite the child to look at your outer, then ask him to turn away and start asking questions: “What color is the shirt”, “What is she wearing”, “Is there a ring or bracelet”, etc. Then switch roles.

Visual memory exercises

"Paint" nine0003
Invite the child to complete the pictures that do not have any details.

Color your soulmate

Find pictures where only one half is colored, let your child color the other half exactly. We do this first, and then, to complicate the task, offer to remember the picture, hide the painted part and ask the child to draw from memory.

Retelling

Invite the child to read a book, then briefly describe its meaning and content, or watch a cartoon together, and then discuss the plot.

Strelka

You should keep your eyes on the second hand of the clock for 2-3 minutes, without being distracted and watch how it moves around the clock. Here, too, it is interesting to set records!

"Guess the line"

The child should carefully listen to the song that was included in it, then you need to remove any line from it. The task of the child will be to understand which line is missing.

Reproduction of a geometric pattern or ornament (mosaics, puzzles, games according to the Nikitin method).

Doing two activities at the same time : you can ask your child to, for example, sculpt and listen to music, draw and listen to a fairy tale. nine0003
Within 10-15 sec. see and remember all red objects (either round or wooden ...).

Ask your child to memorize a series of items in a short amount of time. Then increase the number of items, reduce the time to complete the task.

Story Line

The child is given pictures that show a logical chain of actions (for example, a girl walks along a bridge, drops a ball into a river, cries), but the pictures are mixed. It is required to build a coherent story from the pictures. nine0003
Edible-inedible game

Many of us remember this game from childhood! Throw the ball to the child, while naming various objects. If the object is inedible, the ball must be thrown back, and if it is edible, the ball must be caught. The inattentive member of the family becomes the leader.

Flying game

It can be played even with kids. The children put their fingers on the table, the leader says: “Did the owls fly?” or “Did the giraffes fly?” If the named animals fly, the children should raise their fingers up, and if they do not fly, put their hands under the table. nine0003
It is also very useful to memorize verses.

It is very important to develop all types of attention (motor-motor, visual, auditory). Do these exercises for 20 minutes every day. And the effect will definitely be!

Other useful activities to train attention:

· Chess, checkers;

Riddles and crosswords;

· Collecting puzzles and constructors;

· Mosaics and puzzles;

Logic tasks;

· Sudoku and puzzles;

· Various online games for concentration.

Engage with your child systematically and encourage him for his successes and efforts. nine0003
There are a lot of games for development and concentration of attention - you definitely won't get bored!

In any case, when dealing with child inattention, be patient - this is a long process that only bears fruit after some time, and yet such activities are never in vain and have a positive effect on the development of your child.

Compiled by: Golovanova Larisa Valerievna, educational psychologist nine0003
Altai Regional Center for PPMS Assistance

The family is growing, there are more conflicts. | Pravmir

Ordinary conflicts between children in a large family

The birth of a third child softens the competition between the two older children. It often happens when you hand over one child somewhere, in a sense, not physically, but emotionally, this conflict migrates lower. Or if there is a big gap: the first, and then two more by a wide margin.

Brother-sister relations, like any close human relations, are by nature ambivalent. They simultaneously present both love and a feeling opposite to love. Parents, watching their children, cannot always immediately understand which of the feelings, at the moment, prevails in a relationship: love or irritation, intolerance. If the children's negative emotions towards each other are more pronounced, parents do not need to immediately panic. Love, and this should not be forgotten, is also necessarily present in the relationship of your children. Such are the features of the human psyche that the closer people are in contact with each other, the more pronounced is the bivalence in their relationship. Psychologists distinguish such a thing as the “paradox of close relationships”, this mainly concerns marital relationships. nine0003
The closer the relationship, the more difficult it is for a person to accept a certain period of time.
In brother-sister relations, this is present, it is a very close, rich relationship, and here one's own childhood experience helps a lot. Parents who grew up with a brother or sister with a similar age difference to their own children can better understand their own child. From their childhood experience they know how intrusive a brother or sister can be, how boring it is when they are not at home. They can feel the whole spectrum of children's feelings for each other. If parents grew up as only children in the family, they may have big problems in understanding the brother-sister relationship. They are mysterious for them, filled with conflicts, which is unusual for them, they are sure that brothers and sisters should love each other all the time. Moments of negative perception of each other by children is not a disease that struck the relationship of your elders, conflicts can also contribute to the positive development of relationships between children. nine0003
According to statistics, among parents expecting a second or third child, a large percentage of those who were the only one in their family.
It is especially difficult to understand the relationship between children for mothers who were the only ones in the family, and now they themselves are raising two little boys. Boys are not always clear to the mother anyway, since they are of the opposite sex, and without the lack of childhood experience, it is doubly difficult for her to understand their relationship.

If children quarrel, parents see that they are competing with each other, the first thing they need to say to themselves is: “Probably, it should be so.” Competition between children is inevitable, and in such situations, you need to analyze the proportions in which love and feeling are present in the relationship of your children, which is different from it. nine0003
There are simple home tests that can test how your children really feel about each other. To understand what kind of relationship develops between them, we recommend that parents observe how children behave outside the home - in the sandbox at school, on a trip. If possible, it would be good to check how they behave in society, in the absence of you. Anxious for parents should be a situation in which children are in society without them, and they do not reach out to each other, avoid and do not support each other. If children squabble at home, constantly find out something, and being among strangers, they are a mountain for each other, this is an indicator of normal brother-sister relations. nine0003
An only child or a child from a family with a large age difference between him and his siblings, works out all social relationships in the outside world. Children from large families, starting from the age of two, with a small difference in age, receive communication skills within the family.

Children who have brothers and sisters often sort things out with each other with the help of conflict, but when communicating with peers, they, as a rule, rarely conflict. All their conflict goes to the closest and dearest to them people. nine0003
The second test in is to suddenly ask your children, not when they are arguing, not at the moment when they want to get some benefit from you, what kind of relationship they have with each other.
The child must evaluate these relationships for himself. In most cases, the child evaluates these relationships as normal, although the parents believe that they are far from the norm.
The second children may be more irascible, but this is an acquired irascibility, because they are constantly the "pincushion" of the elder. These “needles”, attacks from the elder may be noticeable, but more often parents do not notice that the elder provokes the second, they already see the reaction of the middle child that he is yelling at the top of his lungs. Over the years of living together, children develop a virtuoso strategy to provoke each other, provocations are carried out very quickly and parents can not always figure out the background of these conflicts. All communication strategies used by seniors and middles are unconscious things, they don't do it on purpose until they enter adolescence. nine0003
What should parents do when their children are in conflict with each other?

The correct way to respond to children's quarrels is, if possible, not to interfere in the relations of children, not to intervene before the first blood. Parents need to say to themselves: "I'm not interested in your showdown." If parents are ready to intervene in all children's conflicts, to share erasers, pieces of cheese, shifted shoes, children see that they are playing their games by their own rules. Sometimes, in order to quarrel to the fullest, they need an audience. Some quarrels flare up, get new life when children attract attention to themselves. nine0003
Parents need to understand how often conflicts migrate from the children's area to the common area and how often they have to play the role of an arbitrator who hoses down unthinking demonstrators. Every parent has their own set of reactions, educational intuitive techniques that they use when children quarrel, but do not rush to apply them. A quarrel between older children is a daily and hourly phenomenon, and usually these quarrels subside on their own, without the help of their parents. nine0003
The situation in the family is especially aggravated if the children are of the same sex and close in age. This is a situation of maximum competition. In heterosexual children, competition is a little softer, but it is present in relationships. The difference in the age of children for more than four years leads to a softening of the situation, at this age the children themselves understand that they cannot catch up with their brother or sister.

With a small difference in age, the second one constantly has the feeling that he can catch up, can run as fast as his brother, count just as fast, as many pages, although in reality this does not work out. In adult life, the achievements of the second child may be greater than the achievements of the first, because. he spent his childhood trying to catch up with him. nine0003
When age and skills equalize .
The desire to catch up with the second child persists, and he begins to overtake the first according to some formal indicators valued in society. The elder is not interested in this, he is confident in his superiority, he didn’t really need to move his fins in his life because of the competition, and the second one needs to prove to himself first of all, then to his parents and the world that he is a person no worse than the elder.

I know only one case when it was necessary to intervene in the relations of children, but the parents did not interfere. The family had half-children with a very large age difference. The older one strongly intimidated the middle one and at the same time did not allow him to complain to his parents, as a result he brought the younger one to a neurosis. nine0003
In such situations, parents should try to turn on their intuition, see if the middle one seriously tolerates the older one, because usually in these quarrels it is difficult to find out who started, this is a vicious circle. It may seem to you that one is to blame, but in fact the background is such that the second one urged him on, and everything goes somewhere in the elder’s school problems or events that you didn’t catch. It would be right to try, without figuring out who is right, who is wrong, who started first, to get out of this circle. nine0003
Parents like, if there is such an opportunity, that the younger ones wear clothes after the elders, play with their toys, impose on children a primitive relationship with things, denying them ownership. Children's relationship with things is more complicated than it seems to their parents, they identify themselves with things, toys, so it's better if things have a clear owner and the more children in the family, the more clearly everyone's property should be expressed. Girls are more attached to clothes, boys are more dependent on their achievements, toys. Parents need to look at the child's attitude to things. nine0003
When you take things from one shelf in the closet and put them on another, because one child has grown up and the other has matured by that moment, it is convenient for you, you save money and time, but this leads to a huge number of collisions. It is better not to transfer things to children neighboring in numbers, through one you can. The second child has one vital concern, he must prove to himself and to everyone else that he is a person, and not a degraded copy of the older one. Wearing things for the elder burdens this vital task. Be sure to buy something targeted - things, books, toys. When the older one has everything new, and the younger one has everything used - this is not right. nine0003
If it's some favorite thing, don't pass it on to another child, rather fold it up and let it lie down and you will give it away when he has children, show that you walked around in it, this is a very touching moment. When a thing is given away, the child feels that he is being undressed not physically, but mentally, that the thing with which he has become related and grown together is not given to someone, but to this worst beloved enemy, his brother or sister. For parents, securing things in the child's possession will reduce the number of episodes of jealousy, rivalry over objects. The issue of ownership is especially acute when classes are held in which stationery items are used. Conflicts can flare up over a banal eraser. Persuasion at the expense of family closeness, an appeal to moral values: “Are you brothers, or are you sisters, are you sorry to give an eraser?” in this situation will not be professional in terms of education. If a child is discouraged at home from the desire to defend his territory, then this may prevent him from adapting to society in adulthood. The eraser must remain intact. If they are the same, they can be signed, even allowed to be bitten so as not to be confused. nine0258 The more competition between children, the clearer the initial property should be. And you can use this property only by asking the owner's permission. If there are things in the house with vaguely expressed ownership, then disputes over it can turn into the situation of Nagorno-Karabakh, only of a local size.

Books that, it would seem, children have not read for a hundred years, such as "Pinocchio", if possible, should not be passed to the next child. The child likes them, he knows that this is his book, they gave it to him. It must be remembered that they grow up, get married, get married and at some point want to take away something related to childhood from their parental home, and let this book that they gave him not go to the younger one, not be torn up by the next generation, let her stay. It is better to buy your second another book. It makes sense to buy books, as well as things addressed to a specific child. The whole family can read them, but the "Emerald City" was presented to one, and the fairy tales of Charles Perrault were presented to another. If there are personal shelving, they can stand there. They can be read in order. Books on shelves are better preserved, and there will be less jealousy associated with personal items. nine0003
Items should be handed over as a last resort, when it is not possible to purchase the item separately for the child. Give the shoes to a friend, take the shoes of her oldest child, about the same, but which did not belong to the oldest child in your family.

Children should have not only personal belongings, but also their own allocated territory.
Touching their pillow by a brother or sister can make them jealous. They can share pets. With the division of the territory, part of the conflicts goes away on its own. nine0003
A designated area is needed in order for a person to feel who he is. Separating yourself from all other children, if the family is really large, and separating yourself from the eldest, if there are two or three children in the family, is one of the urgent tasks of the child's development. For those who were born the only one in the family, the problem of identification, defining their own "I" is not so acute, since all the attention of adults is focused on them. In a family with two or more children, the lion's share of attention goes to the eldest. The elder is the first to reach a mass of status degrees, he goes to school, to the garden, to classes, he is the first to buy a mobile phone, watch, skates, roller skates. The second child is in a difficult situation because of this. And giving him the older stuff doesn't help, because he already feels intimately connected to your first child. Therefore, it is necessary to allocate a personal zone for everyone and create specific areas of specialization, artificial niches in which each of the sweet couple will feel comfortable and be able to prove themselves most successfully. If the elder draws or counts well, the second one should not be placed in this intellectual zone, because this is a very tough competition that the second one himself will not withstand, because for him this is a no-option situation, without winning. Parents need to come up with their own activities, hobbies for everyone. In a large family, on the one hand, there are more opportunities for this, because. on the one hand, there is experience in raising other children, but on the other hand, parents have much less time left for each of the children and they may miss some issues related to the development of a particular child. nine0003
An indicator of the psychological well-being or disadvantage of children in the family, can be an analysis of the question do children miss each other? How much time does it take for them to remember each other, where is he? If the kids don't get bored and remember each other for a week or two, that should be a worrying sign. The second loves the first initially, because before school age he is an authority for him, sometimes more than his mother. The elder ambiguously loves the second. He loves him, but this is a much more complex feeling in terms of its emotional richness. nine0003
Each parent has attitudes that hinder family life and the upbringing of children. One of the mistakes is imposing the senior in the company to the junior as a free application.

Parents sometimes act on the contrary and build a mirror model in relation to the model of the family in which they grew up, denying the values associated with upbringing and marital relations that were cultivated by their parents. This leads to very great rigidity in their behavior. The house is not a kindergarten, and not an army, with their cold state-owned system of relations, not a place where family members must be constantly in combat formation. nine0003
Parents have a lot of unconscious expectations about their children. They expect responsiveness from children, remembering their living feeling towards their parents. A child may have other personality traits, and he may respond to parents in a different way, a set of qualities is not chosen.

We choose our wife or husband on a subconscious level. Brothers and sisters do not choose each other. You can’t choose a child, take this one off the shelf for me, I like it. We do not choose children for ourselves with such a set of qualities that would be close and desirable, what was born was born. Psychologists believe that until the age of seven, the child's consciousness is concentric, that it is difficult for him to lose his temper and take the point of view of another. With age, he may become more responsive, but if his parents blame him for insensitivity, this will not help awaken his sensitivity. nine0003

In a family with more than two children, you need to understand that everything is going well
a) Not according to plans,
b) Not ideal.

Many parents with many children, who, as a rule, are all excellent students by nature, have simply chosen a specialization area for themselves - family - it is difficult to realize this. They themselves came up with a wonderful long-term plan for the development of children, that this one would be a good philologist, and this one would be an excellent techie. In reality, this plan is not being implemented. The largest share of expectations falls on the eldest: he takes on 70% of parental expectations. The second one also gets a lot, starting from the third, usually people calm down, realizing that children are something in themselves, a boy in itself, like Uncle Fyodor. The first children are heavily loaded by parents, especially if they are children of different sexes. If this is the first boy and the first girl, then the mother's expectations will rest on one, and the father's expectations will rest on the second, or different expectations interspersed. nine0003
In families, situations sometimes arise when the eldest child or the first child of the same sex has the expectations not of parents, but of grandparents. Grandmother is a professor, ballerina, or pianist. She expected her daughter or son to follow in her footsteps and honorably continue the family tradition. In reality, her children have chosen different careers or have not progressed far in their grandmother's field of specialization. A new hope comes with the birth of a grandchild, and it is a much tougher hope than the hope associated with the first generation, because the grandmother already had a bad experience. It must be understood that relationships with children are influenced by the expectations that adults place on each of the competing children. These desires are usually not spoken out, but the older one clearly knows what his parents expect from him, and the younger one, what the family as a whole, both generations, expect from him. In this situation, children are not competitive on their own, but because of the competition between two generations of the family. In such cases, often one child is taken in by the parents, and the other by the grandparents. nine0003
The eldest child feels himself the master of life, the second understands that the superiority belongs to the eldest, but still he struggles with this situation, trying to catch up with the eldest.

Understanding the second is the thing with which he can struggle all the time. We sometimes have two children: Sonya and Asonia, when the second one says all the time: I am the eldest.

This situation is repeated in many families, with same-sex children more often than with children of different sexes.
In people of close age more often than in those with a difference of more than 3.5 years. The younger one all the time feels an irreducible distance and can react to it in different ways. The desire to become like an elder arises in him to the detriment of himself, he does not feel his personality, he tries to catch up with a mirage, the eldest child grows and grows and eludes him. The task of parents is to help the second understand that he is not just a copy, but that he is a separate person with his own abilities. As soon as the parents do this, and the second one has achievements, for example, in music or painting, the elder may lose loyalty to the younger and begin to show terrible intolerance. Initially, they love each other very much, but they emotionally, with great feeling, relate to the successes of the other, one sets the pace for the development of the other. Therefore, the rate of development of the second is higher than that of peers. The second one can stand out against the background of his peers, because he does not look up to them, but to the older child. On the one hand, this is good, but on the other hand, it can make the second more nervous. He lives at the pace imposed on him. There may be two or three such sweet couples in a family. These are pairs of close age children, for example, the third and fourth. In the two elders, this is manifested to the maximum extent. If there are only two children, then this is the situation in which the family lives, it has nothing else, here having many children is a way out of this circle. It's almost always there. nine0003
Parents should not be especially happy if the relationship between children is calm, they do without quarrels. Sometimes parents say: “We don’t have rivalry and jealousy between children.” That doesn't happen. The elder can take the position of a very good child, an ideal assistant. He may begin to behave as if he is not a child, but an adult, thus wanting to please his parents, but this will be an indirect sign of rivalry. There is a Russian saying that "first the nanny, then Vanka." Usually the older child is most at risk. If you make a permanent nanny out of a senior, then this can then harm him in life. The history of the family shows that in previous centuries, older children were actually the third parent for their brothers and sisters. If something happened to the parents, they took care of the younger children. The actress Nona Mordyukova was the eldest of six children, and she had to raise her entire family. She came to study in Moscow and moved everyone with her mother from her Don village. Her mother was very ill, then she died, and she had to take care of the whole family. In Eastern languages there is such a word "Ana" - this is something between a mother and a sister, "sister-mother" is actually translated. Often it was these women who did not build their families, they remained to help, raised the younger ones, then helped their parents. We don't have that role in the family. We have a different society: for example, there are no ancestral nests where the elder sister could live out her life in peace without forming her own family. Our family is not large enough to give such support to a single person. Raising a child with such thoughts, we can doom him to an unhappy personal life, to too much sacrifice. A child who from childhood is systematically accustomed to sacrificing his desires for the sake of his parents, first of all, or younger children, may then not be able to build his own family. nine0003
When parents make a permanent servant out of the older child or out of the older two, using them to please themselves, patching up their holes, this is not good for him, not for them. In a family with several children, there is a shortage of hands, especially if the parents set themselves a high bar, but parents do not need to build a relationship with him in such a way that the child's responsibilities will be very different from those that his peers usually have.

Excessive use by the parents of the elder turns out to be either a strong separation for him at the time of growing up, when he completely leaves the control of the family, or too much sacrifice, which then prevents him from finding himself and creating his own family in the first place. In this situation, girls are at greater risk than boys because girls are more family oriented. nine0003
The second child may try on the role opposite to the first. If the senior assistant, then the second one plays the bully. The second one needs to be helped to get out of this role, to tell him: “We have a lot of space in our family, and you don’t have to be anti-, you can become not Masha, on the contrary, but someone yourself.” Children should have independence, they should not be led to the same sections, where the second one will never or for a long time be able to achieve the success of the first. You should not take both to children's guests or to the same ones. The child is helped to feel himself by the allocated events, things that belong to him personally. These issues should be resolved by parents without discussing with the children and bring decisions down. nine0003
Relations between the second and third children are always smoother than between the first and the second, because the third does not need leadership, he understands that he will never catch up with the older one. The third is ready to accept his place, unlike the first two. The first two cannot find out among themselves who is the first, and the third does not need it, he solves other issues. At an age when everyone wants to have their own achievements, you need to watch that the one who is older does not belittle the one who is younger. It is useful for children who grow up in a bundle to talk about what they can do at this age, and what is still too early for them, that at four years old children usually do not draw a shadow, or do not draw a person in profile. The six-year-old says to him: “Ah, you draw scribbles-doodles,” and the four-year-old is very upset, because he is an expert, he trusts the elder very much up to a certain age. It's good to have a selection of dated drawings of the older one and show him: "Look, this is how you drew at 4 years old!". Or explain to him from the point of view of all mankind: “Usually 4-year-old children draw like this, this is how our Irochka draws.” You have to talk a lot about age, especially with the younger one, who gets upset because something doesn’t work out for him. If the elder, in a situation where you direct your attention to the second, begins to pull the blanket over himself, and he is too small to talk about it with him, then you can organize a separate program for everyone for this time. nine0003
Until the age of eight or nine, a child does everything unconsciously.
He does not even understand what he is doing, why he starts going to the piano, starts playing there, showing everyone his fives for compositions. Therefore, it is almost impossible to talk about achievements with them.

It is very difficult for the elder to understand that the second is also a person. The first child goes to school, for the second it is stress, because all the attention of the mother is directed to the older child in a new way, he has notebooks, erasers, pens. And then the second child goes to school, and this is no less stressful for him. nine0003
And the family goes through such microcrises regularly, especially if there are many children.

The main micro-crises of the family occur when the youngest child crawls, walks, talks, invites friends for the first time, visits himself, or goes to classes for the first time. These situations, when the younger ascends to a qualitatively new stage of development, are stressful moments for the older, he begins to fear for his living space, that the younger will catch up with him now. Parents need to support the elder, otherwise he can change his behavior, will tire the parents, demanding attention. nine0003
For example, the younger child went to school or music school, and suddenly the older child forgot how to do his homework himself, became terribly dependent and inattentive. Lack of independence and inattention are the favorite strategies of older children to attract parental attention and care. Seniors by the time of school age rarely use frontal strategies, they are already trained in life, they know that if you hit the younger one, they will not pat you on the head. But if you can’t do English, then your mother will sit next to you and will sit for two hours four times a week. This is a reliable way, most importantly, legal to attract the attention of parents. The lack of independence in something of the elders may not be in itself a lack of independence, jealousy and rivalry are hidden under it. Parents take the child to a neuropsychologist, they are worried that he has problems with concentration, asthenia, block of hyperactivity. But in fact, it turns out that in all respects this is an absolutely normal child, but when he sits down to do his homework, everything completely flies out of his head, because his mother readily sits next to him. The older one needs to be hit very hard so that he starts to regress, and the latter do it regularly. nine0003
Regression is a temporary loss of skill. He knew how, and suddenly he forgot how.

Parents need to learn to distinguish under what mask jealousy is disguised. Often she disguises herself as a very good helper or as a dependent child. The non-contact of the child sometimes acts on parents cleaner than other strategies.
The social intelligence of the second children is better developed than that of their peers, because they grow up next to such a virtuoso. He already knows how to save his strength, and not to attract parental attention, and not to do anything wrong, there is nothing to punish him for. In a large family, you need to give children permission to be removed. Since the child is using a non-frontal strategy, the parent's reaction to it should not be frontal. At a neutral moment, it is better to tell some similar story, to joke, so that the child can see what he is actually doing. We are not talking about a baby, but about children who can consciously perceive what was said, it is better to refrain from the role of an arbitrator. nine0003
Types of quarrels that occur between older children.
Each child needs personal space, personal belongings, 80% of toys should be shared, and at least 20% personal. Parents can allow a child not to give his younger one, but they cannot force him not to give. Relations between the elder and the second cannot be equal. The second elder loves very much until a certain age, this is such an authority for him. And the first loves, but not unambiguously. (repeat) According to experience and literature, if parents are supporters of socialism and communism in the family, there are not a few such families, jealousy manifests itself more. The proportions are 80% and 20%, 70% and 30%. The paradox in large families lies in the fact that children have a million different toys, but children value and cherish the toys given to them personally. It may be a five-kopeck Chinese dog, and there is something expensive nearby, but this is common, and this one was given to him personally. nine0003
In situations where jealousy manifests itself clearly, I recommend buying chests with keys so that the child knows that in this chest, which no one will climb into, lies his inviolable good. And he will be more calm about other things, sharing, because this property is legalized.

Preschoolers have a sense of ownership associated with physical objects.
Schoolchildren have a relationship with property on a more subtle level, they would not want people to read the notes on their desk, messages on the computer and telephone, this is the same property as toys so that they do not touch their office. The laws of the family state must punish the violation of these boundaries. This should be announced not at the time of the conflict, “we have such laws that we don’t look at other people’s phones,” but earlier. nine0003
There are indivisible things: a stroller for a little girl, a kangaroo, a doll, some kind of babybon supersuit, there should be two of them. If you have children close to your age, you should have two strollers, preferably equally large. If you have two boys, there should be two large cars on the console. (repeat)

You should always remember that the first brother-sister story is the story of Cain and Abel, which is a very sad story.

Types of quarrels:

don't take mine, no matter what (don't interfere while you can)

why am I (put away toys, etc., decided by the schedule of the day, bad argument: you are the elder, you must yield)

he always (does not put toys away)

division of duties

intrusion (on personal territory, on personal space, in the game, or in the physical zone, or in the zone of achievements and skills)

Parents must clearly form their opinion not at the time of the conflict, but in advance. The position of how to act during children's conflicts will change due to the growth of children. But at the current moment it should be agreed in advance what you do when they quarrel for one reason or another. If at the moment when they are quarreling, parents begin to figure out how to respond correctly, then this greatly increases the number of conflicts between children. The older the children, the more subtle the reaction should be. Every time there is a quarrel of the “intrusion” type, you can directly or indirectly show the child a piece of paper, an agreement, “We have the following rules in the family, a paragraph of such and such rules is violated, you are wrong.” Usually, when some events have occurred, if children speak in raised tones, screaming and showdowns are constantly heard, parents react instinctively without thinking. Parents have a simple desire - to cut off everyone's heads, chop everyone, deprive everyone of everything, just to turn off the sound. If the children are not quite small, it is a good option not to react immediately, but to think about what, in fact, they are scratching there. nine0003
At the moment of an acute conflict, it is not always possible to understand why it flared up, here sometimes the situation requires reflection. I advise parents not to be too lazy to write down the children's quarrels for three days, and see if they see that the quarrels are divided into two or three classical types, that there are many faces, but the type of quarrel is the same. If the quarrels are standard, you can, having a sober adult head, work out a normal response against it.

You can't love different children equally, you can love equally strongly. The equality of love is to give everyone what he needs at the moment. Let's say the elder loves to read books, you need to read books with him, and the second one doesn't care about these books, his parents tried very hard to cultivate him, but he never fell in love with them. But he loves to drive cars. And the manifestation of love for the second is just to ride cars with him. But this is a deliberate example. There are moments when one of the children is in a more abandoned state, or in a more complex state not inside, but outside, in some kind of macrosystems. And he needs to pay more attention at this moment. nine0003
Women with children spend more time and lose the boundaries, the measure of correlation with reality. By evening, any carrot taken out of the soup, or any undivided machine, grows to the size of a disaster. This is fatigue and blurry eyes. And therefore, by the evening, the reaction of the mother is less adequate than the reaction of the father, he is less likely to be at home. This must be taken into account, whoever is less tired, let him contact the children. The measure of punishment, restraint should be discussed in advance at the commander's discussions, what we punish, and what we do not punish, we never deprive anyone of sweets for a month. You can endure one day without sweets. Measures must be stipulated, and these must be micromeasures, homeopathic measures of punishment. You can do everything that is a team action, if dad agrees, mom agrees, no one will be offended by this, the main thing is to maintain authority, if necessary, admit that you are wrong. Children will understand that adults are also people without wings and without a list of perfections inherent in deities. A mistake and a loss of authority are two different things, you can make a mistake, but at the same time not lose authority.
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Ordinary conflicts between children in a large family

What should parents do when their children are in conflict with each other?

Types of quarrels: