Im 40 and alone

I don’t think your current status is anything you are particularly responsible for and neither do I think it’s permanent. That said, deflected responsibility is one of the most insidiously harmful and regularly occurring contributors to a relationship’s demise. You sound defensive about your right to a certain frequency of communication. Childhood abandonment so often leads to insecurity and it has clearly left its mark on you. I wonder if your craving for stability is making you go about getting it in a way that’s least conducive to attaining it. Telling someone that you are terribly insecure doesn’t make them responsible for resolving your emotional idiosyncrasies. What you’ve experienced, and how you handle yourself as a result, is definitely down to you to resolve.

Where’s the pleasure in having someone call you daily if they’re only doing so because you’ve stamped your foot? This is a stampede into dysfunction that you can easily call a halt to. Try to understand how this works, either through reading (try Lifeshocks and How to Love Them by Sophie Sabbage) or, better yet, consult a therapist about the residue of your unhappy experience in youth.

Feeling secure about who you are and even sanguine about a future in your own company are two of the healthiest assets you can bring to the table. Do you really want to step into a relationship defined by the past? Being alone can actually be pretty great, but my money is on the fact that you won’t be. There’s also every chance you’ll still have children, but as time isn’t on your side the pressure is on to revise your behaviour rather than demanding that others do so to accommodate you.

You don’t seem to have trouble attracting lovers, just retaining them and that’s going to have something to do with how strenuously you clasp on to them. Instead of setting out rules to compensate for past experiences your lover wasn’t privy to, try entering your next relationship with an open heart and a determination to set your gaze firmly to the fore. Listing the qualities that might make you attractive in someone else’s eyes is not the same thing as building up a sense of confidence and self-esteem in your own. I realise that’s hard when what you’re getting back from the world feels like rejection, rather than a celebration of what you have to offer. It’s all the more reason to start expanding your horizons instead of writing yourself off. The best thing about being single at 40 is that you are mature enough to take risks and push yourself beyond your comfort zone. Filling old cavities is dentist’s work; our job as individuals is to concentrate on larger horizons.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella. [email protected]. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

The brutal truth about being single in your 40s

Are you in your 40s and single?

A lot of people are. Even if you think that being single in your 40s is strange, there’s nothing wrong with being single in your middle ages. Instead, not having a partner or family in middle age is accompanied by many significant benefits.

Still, if you’re unsure about how you’re perceived in society because you’re already over 40 and single or don’t understand how you feel about yourself, keep on reading. Why?

Because we’re about to debunk the common myths about being single in your 40s and see why it’s a great thing.

What does it feel like to be single in your 40s?

You get up, slowly make your breakfast, dress based on your preferences, and plan to spend the rest of the day productively. Or rest, have fun, and enjoy the benefits of being alone because you don’t have any responsibilities.

But that’s just one of the many surprising benefits of being single. Being on your own means that you’re free. And when you’re free, you can focus on your personal growth and do anything you wish for. How?

You focus on your needs. You live life according to your own pace and don’t worry about fulfilling others’ demands. You have time for your friends. You have time for your family and even for romantic relationships.

But there’s no obligation. Just you and your desires. That’s how it feels like to be single in your 40s.

Now imagine you’re not single. You and your imaginary partner have three kids together. You wake up, rush to make breakfast for everyone, but they all have different preferences. You need to give your kids a lift to school. But they’re not ready yet. You’re already late to work, but nobody cares.

They have their own lives. They can’t skip school because of your work. And there’s nothing you can do.

And this is just one of the many possible bad scenarios we can imagine. The truth about being single is that you’re not supposed to be sad. Being single doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough for someone. It just means that you’re giving yourself opportunities to discover your passions and know who you are.

Most importantly, you need to know that being 40 doesn’t mean you’re not young anymore. Even if you’ve already lived about half your life, you’re still young. And many people in their forties still don’t know what they want from life yet, which is normal.

Nevertheless, our society is full of stereotypes about being single, and here are the eight most common myths about being single in your 40s.

10 myths about being single in your 40s

1) Single people in their 40s are emotionally immature

Have you ever heard that being single is a sign of immaturity?

If you worry about being single in your 40s, you probably have. It’s a common stereotype in society that single people can’t manage to build stable relationships because they’re emotionally immature. Or even worse, some people think that being single is a sign of failure.

Yes, not all single people indeed feel happy. Many of them have low self-esteem and don’t feel satisfied. However, being single comes with many psychological benefits for your self-esteem. But we don’t talk about self-esteem here.

Regardless of your self-esteem, you can be forty, single, and emotionally mature at the same time. What does it mean to be emotionally mature at all?

Emotional maturity means you can manage your emotions in various situations. It means you have high emotional intelligence and realize that having a satisfying romantic relationship is tricky.

Of course, being emotionally mature often leads to fulfilling relationships. But sometimes, due to being emotionally mature, people give up on relationships and choose freedom or self-development instead.

Therefore, being single in your 40s doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re emotionally immature. On the contrary, being single might be your choice due to being emotionally mature.

2) Single people in their 40s are dying to get married

Yes, some people who are over forty want to get married. But it’s not necessarily because they are already in their forties. Instead, the desire to get married is a natural thing. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 20 or 60, you might naturally want to find a partner and create a family, and that’s normal.

That’s normal in your 40s too. However, it doesn’t mean all single people who have already reached their forties are dying to get married. Nowadays, an increasing number of women choose to be single. As a sociologist, Eric Klinenberg states, the reason is that they prefer having someone to go out with instead of having someone to come home to.

Some people perceive marriage and family as a sign of losing freedom. Therefore, they prefer simple dating rather than getting married. Indeed, contrary to common myths about relationships, having a romantic partner in your 40s is possible without being married.

Of course, not only women but men in their forties aren’t dying to get married either. For example, Justin Brown, the founder of Ideapod, enjoys being single in his 40s and doesn’t feel any need to justify his desire to be single. And he’s just one example of successful people in their 40s who enjoy being single. Watch his video below where he talks about being single in his 40s.

3) Single people in their 40s are lost in life

Whether you’ve just got out of a relationship or you’ve been single a while, once you hit the 35 + mark, people start to assume you just haven’t got your sh*t together.

They assume you’re unhappy, unable to hold down a relationship, too bogged down by the stresses of work.

Now, for some this may be true, but for most 40-somethings, they’re happily living life on their own terms, enjoying the freedom of choosing how to take each day as it comes.

But what if you are struggling to find your purpose in life?

What if you find that the same challenges hold you back, time and time again?

Have popular self-help methods like visualization, meditation, even the power of positive thinking, failed to release you from your frustrations in life?

If so, you’re not alone.

And let me tell you – this has nothing to do with being single at 40. This is a case of lacking clear direction.

I’ve tried the conventional methods listed above, I’ve done the rounds with the gurus and self-help coaches.

Nothing made a long-lasting, real impact on changing my life until I tried an incredible workshop created by Ideapod co-founder Justin Brown.

Like me, you and so many others, Justin had also fallen into the trap of self-development. He spent years working with coaches, visualizing success, his perfect relationship, a dream-worthy lifestyle, all without ever actually achieving it.

That was until he found a method that truly transformed the way he approached achieving his goals.

The best part?

What Justin discovered is that all the answers to self-doubt, all the solutions to frustration, and all the keys to success, can all be found within you.

In his new masterclass, you’ll be taken through a step-by-step process of finding this inner power, honing it, and finally unleashing it to find your purpose in life.

Are you ready to discover the potential within you?

Click here to watch his free introductory video and learn more.

4) Most people in their 40s are already taken

Another common myth about middle-aged people is that “all the good ones of our age are already taken.” However, believing most people in their 40s are already taken without having any statistics to rely on,

But have you ever checked out a single online dating app? How many people in their forties use online dating applications to find their partners? This proves that thousands of people in their 40s are single and ready to start new relationships.

What does it mean?

It means that the idea that most people in their 40s are already taken is just another plain wrong stereotype.

Besides, we should all keep in mind that not all people over forty and single try to find their lifetime partners. Some of them are looking for partners for casual relationships. And others aren’t looking for anyone at all and take advantage of being on their own.

5) You can hardly find a partner in your 40s

Once people reach middle age, sometimes they automatically think that there’s no way they can find a partner in their 40s.

Some of them think they’re not young enough or attractive enough. Others are concerned about society’s beliefs and prefer to spend the rest of their lives alone to avoid rumors and gossip.

However, you’re mistaken if you think that the dating pool is thinner after 40 than before. Based on the Bureau of Labor statistics, 50% of people over 40 are single. This means almost as many people are single in their forties as some are in relationships.

Therefore, you have no reason to refuse to find a partner because you think there’s no one to date. Still, the ability to find a partner in your 40s doesn’t mean that you must find a partner. Instead, there are many reasons why it’s better to be single.

So, no matter if you’re single or taken in your 40s, you should remember that you have numerous opportunities to live your life to the fullest, based on your inner wishes and desires.

6) You’ve already reached your career peak

Think about it. How many jobs did you have throughout your life? Did you feel completely comfortable with any of them? Or maybe you think that your current job is the best possible thing you could ever do.

If you’re over 40, you’re likely to have tried various jobs and careers throughout your life. Now, either you’re settled down or looking for new opportunities in your life.

In both cases, it’s lovely as long as you feel fine.

And the idea that middle-aged people have already reached their professional peak is another myth that needs to be debunked.

If you didn’t know before, countless successful people changed their career paths in their middle ages.

• Did you know that Vera Wang entered the fashion industry in her 40s?
• Henry Ford was 45 when he first created the Model T car, which changed the automotive industry.
• If you have heard anything about Julia Child and her fascinating achievements, you probably already know that she wrote her first cookbook at 50.

Some more inspiring people achieve success later in their lives than you can imagine. This means nothing more than that you’re not supposed to forget about your dreams ever in your life. Why?

Because nobody knows when you will reach your professional peak, and if you don’t feel comfortable about your career, the chances are high that the best is yet to come!

7) It’s too late to explore the world in your 40s

Who said you can’t explore the world once you reach your 40s?

If you’re single, you probably have all the opportunities to do whatever you wish you could do. And if you feel you want to explore the world, you can go for it.

Contrary to popular belief, many people believe that the 40s are the ideal age to explore the world. Why?

• You’re most likely financially independent.
• You’re wiser than your younger self.
• You have plenty of time for yourself.
• You have a better understanding of your dreams.
• You probably need to try something new.

Traveling around the world, learning new skills, or picking up new hobbies are some of the things you can do to explore the world, regardless of your age.

Moreover, if you didn’t know before, taking part in new experiences is one of the proven ways to avoid midlife crises, which is pretty standard for people over 40.

So, remember that it’s never too late to explore the world, and if you’re single in your 40s, now might be the best time for it!

8) Single at 40 means you must suck at love

I know – it’s unbelievable but this is another common myth that’s made the rounds. The truth is, most people suck at love, never mind the age.

And when I say “suck at love” I don’t mean intentionally being bad at it – it’s just the way we’ve been conditioned to believe love should be. We see it in the films, in novels, and unfortunately, it’s just not realistic.

That’s why so many relationships break down these days.

You see, most of our shortcomings in love stem from our own complicated inner relationship with ourselves – how can you fix the external without seeing to the internal first?

I learned this from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê, in his incredible free video on Love and Intimacy.

So, if you want to improve the relationships you have with others and be ready for when love does come along again, start with yourself.

Check out the free video here.

You’ll find practical solutions and much more in Rudá’s powerful video, solutions that’ll stay with you for life.

9) You’re destined to be alone

Young, energetic, and attractive people don’t need much effort to find life partners and live happily with them forever. Therefore, you should try to find a partner when you’re young to avoid loneliness in later life.

That’s a bad stereotype that modern society tries very hard to implement for some reason. However, none of this makes sense to me and to all the people who acknowledge the importance of living based on your own needs.

Nobody is destined to be alone.

Besides, being alone doesn’t necessarily mean that disturbing feelings of loneliness’ll surround you. Being alone and being lonely are two completely different things. You might not have a lifetime partner but feel better in the company of your friends than people in relationships who don’t even feel happy.

And also, even if you’re single now, it doesn’t mean that you’ll remain single for the rest of your life. Maybe you’ll find the partner you’ve always wished for at 60. Perhaps you’ll find them tomorrow or a year later.

In any case, you’re the one who makes your destiny, and you shouldn’t let society’s ugly stereotypes decide your fate and well-being.

10) Single people in their 40s can’t be romantic

Being romantic doesn’t have anything to do with your age. Neither depends on your relationship status.

Based on the common myth, people in relationships are more romantic. But actually, they have more opportunities to express their romantic sides. The reason is that they have someone else with whom they can act romantically. And that’s it.

But did you know that couples have fewer romantic feelings towards each other as time goes by?

On the contrary, single people find it easy to express their romantic desires. How is it possible?

They’re not attached to one single partner. And the more people they meet in their lives, the more their perception of romanticism changes.

So, if someone is just single, it doesn’t mean that they are not interested in romance. Similarly, it doesn’t mean that single people in their 40s can’t be more romantic than those taken.

Why being single in your 40s is a great thing?

A few minutes ago, you might have thought that there’s nothing good about being over 40. However, after debunking the common myths about being single in your 40s, I hope you’re more aware of the benefits of being single in your 40s.

If you’re over 40, you’re more likely to know who you are, what you want, and where you go. Considering all this, not only are these good things, but being single in your 40s might be the greatest thing ever in your life. And I’m about to prove why.

You don’t have any obligations

You can get up whenever you want, stay out late, go to bed whenever and wherever you want. You can eat any food you like. You can tidy up the house when you have free time. You can go everywhere, meet anyone, and live as you desire.

All these things are only possible if you’re single. Otherwise, you will need to be accountable to another person.

People in relationships always have to ask their partners how they feel about certain decisions before taking any steps forward. Therefore, in relationships, you’re not entirely free. You have to take others’ interests into account and behave accordingly.

But when you’re single, you can easily take advantage of your freedom and live exactly as you wish in the here and now moment. You have zero obligations towards others, and the only person you’re obliged to take care of is yourself.

All the free time is completely yours

Time has become a more and more precious resource in our fast-paced world. We work, we study, we communicate with other people. Our everyday routines are so overloaded that we rarely have time for ourselves.

Relationships make things even more complicated. When you have a partner, spending time with them, going on dates, and making plans together is necessary. However, all the free time is entirely yours when you’re single!

You don’t need to argue about what to do or where to go. You’re the one who decides how to spend weekends. You decide about going out or staying at home based on your mood and needs.

Consequently, being single means better organizing your daily tasks and having as much time as you need to develop your skills, learn new things, explore the world, or just rest.

You can make tons of new friends

When you’re single, you’re open to new relationships. And being open to new relationships means you’re open to new friendships.

In your 40s, you have enough experience to make new friends easily. You already know what kind of people attract you; you realize who you can trust and who you can’t.

Besides, you acknowledge that the quality of friendship matters, not the quantity. At least that’s what Oprah proves and what I also believe.

On the contrary, you dedicate most of your time to your partner when you’re in a relationship. And when people see you’re taken, they’re not likely to communicate with you. Of course, it’s another ugly stereotype of our society, but it is.

But being single is perceived as a synonym for openness to new experiences. And this also means that you can make tons of new friends.

You can spend the money however you want

Have you ever heard anything about money-killing marriage issues? If you haven’t, you should know that no matter how much you adore your partner, you’re likely to experience money-related problems at some stage of your relationship.

That’s especially true with marriages. When people marry, financial boundaries diminish, meaning there’s no such thing as your money and my money anymore. Instead, all the money is “ours.”

But what if you want to spend the money you earn by working hard for yourself? Why should you consider others’ needs to spend your own money? What if you make more than your partner? Why are you the one who pays bills?

These are just some of the financial issues married couples are often concerned about. There is much more than that. And in the long term, such concerns hurt the emotional bond of couples.

Even if you’re not married but are dating someone, you still have to spend tons of money meeting their needs. It doesn’t matter whether it’s about buying a  heartfelt gift or going on a date together; dating requires financial resources.

However, when you’re single, all the money is entirely yours. You don’t have any obligations, and you don’t want to consider anyone’s interests. You’re the one who earns and spends all the money. And this feels great.

You can shape your own happiness

And finally, being single in your 40s allows you to be happier. How?

When you’re single, you have more time to get in touch with yourself. All you’re concerned about is your desires. People often say that they lose themselves in relationships. The reason is that you stop doing things independently and start thinking about your partner’s desires.

On the contrary, if you’re single, you have more time to focus on your personal development, explore your needs, and find your inner self.

To me, being single is equal to having an opportunity to figure out what you want out of life. And how are you going to achieve whatever you want?

As a result, you’ll learn to enjoy being in your own company. You’ll become more confident in yourself. And needless to say, you’ll feel happier as a result.

Can you be happy and single in your 40s?

If you’re in your 40s and still single, you should omit “still” and change the phrase to “40s and single”. As you can see, there are many reasons why you can be happy and single in your 40s at the same time.

Happiness isn’t necessarily defined by relationships. Personally, I define happiness by who I am. Who I am alone, free from common stereotypes, social influences, and the people around me. And I believe you also shouldn’t define happiness by your relationship status.

Of course, if you’re in a relationship and feel happy because of your partner, that’s amazing. Nobody’s trying to tell you to avoid being in a relationship in your 40s because it’s irrational.

However, you should only start dating someone or getting married to someone only if you feel you want it yourself. And not as a result of social pressure.

The key to happiness is living a life based on your desires and needs. If you need to be in a relationship, go for it. But if you feel you’re much more comfortable being single, then it’s completely fine to be single in your 40s.

Single man: what's wrong with him?

178,994

Loneliness Man and woman

Windy Don Juan, old bachelors, devoted sons… How do women explain to themselves why a man is lonely?

“I have no prejudice against bachelors,” says 46-year-old Sofia. “I draw for myself the image of the original, independent, like myself!” Divorced 38-year-old Polina, a mother of three daughters, is afraid of men who "have been stewing in their own juice for 40 years." She believes that they are “selfish, womanizer and obsessed with their independence. How can they fit a woman with children into their lives and be faithful to her? nine0003

Women's judgments are firm and sometimes harsh. They reflect their expectations and often disappointments. Successful and independent, loners and adventurers - their stereotypes are similar, despite differences in personal life experiences.

"Seducer"

This is how many women see the unmarried. Unreliable, sexually intemperate, narcissistic, this man loses interest in a lady as soon as he receives signs of reciprocal sympathy. Generations of deceived women branded the men who abandoned them and passed on to their daughters their indignation and dislike for such a male image. nine0003

However, it is not always the responsibility of a man to break up

“Sometimes women unwittingly provoke a breakup,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova, “because of the belief that it is impossible to love them constantly and relationships (sooner or later) fall apart. Those who were disliked in childhood or betrayed in their first love relationship retain the fear of rejection.

They avoid communication or create obstacles for it themselves: jealousy, an insatiable demand for attention, tightness, comparison of a partner with other men prevent them from opening up to another and fully engaging in relationships. Their feelings are contradictory: they want a relationship, but they are afraid to suffer again.” nine0003

"The odd old bachelor"

The eccentric who has always lived alone, is unable to give up any of his habits and is afraid of any change - another image of the bachelor. The stereotype is not completely harmless: it helps a woman forget that love is concessions and compromises on both sides, and at the same time hide her own bachelor habits from herself. For example, on Sundays, stay in your pajamas until 2 p.m. or watch five episodes of Desperate Housewives in a row. nine0003

Inna Shifanova says: “When I ask single clients what is most important for them in a possible relationship, they often answer: “I want him to be kind, give me flowers (bought an apartment, a car), become a good father. ” Women talk only about him, - the psychologist notes, - about their expectations, sometimes contradictory. But love is a path that has to be walked towards each other.

"Mama's boy"

A familiar image - a man secretly in love with his own mother, dependent on her. He seeks the protection of a woman, but is afraid to fall under her control. He has attractive features: brought up by a woman, he speaks about feelings easier than his "courageous" brothers; accustomed to obey, willingly fulfills the wishes of a friend. nine0003

“But few women want to compete with his mother,” explains the psychologist. “If a friend manages to take the place of a “caring mother”, an unconscious incest prohibition will kill her sexual attractiveness in the eyes of a partner.”

In addition, an independent adult woman is unlikely to want to appear in public with a "sissy"

His insecurity and sensuality can jeopardize her self-esteem. Perhaps she will even prefer a closeted homosexual to him: at least you can have a good time with him, although you should not count on a long-term relationship. nine0003

"Abandoned husband with a broken heart"

There are many prejudices against such a man. It is believed that he uses his new girlfriend as a nurse: she will understand and console, raise her fallen self-esteem. And if he has children, the woman will have to take care of them and conduct diplomatic negotiations with her ex-wife.

“Comparison with an ex-wife is painful, but inevitable,” remarks a family psychologist. “Even if a man keeps silent, a woman will still think whether she treats children this way, whether she does the housework worse than her predecessor.” nine0003

Many women in search of a partner prefer widowers who yearn for life as a couple. They often idealize the lost girlfriend, but still strive to enter into a new strong relationship, seeing them as a protection from old age. “The widowers are going straight to the goal,” says 40-year-old Valeria. “They are more mature and feel less sorry for themselves.”

Objective view

Whether stereotypes about single men are justified or not, they remain as tenacious as the good old fairy tale about the handsome prince. A man must be in love, attentive, courageous, with a sense of humor, independent and reliable ... Everything happens as if women had previously determined the ideal that men must meet in all respects. nine0003

However, stereotypes can also say a lot about the nature of those who use them to try to put another label on them. Inna Shifanova. “Wishing to be objective, we actually sift reality through the sieve of our stereotypes: the more there are, the smaller the gaps.”

It is difficult to get rid of the "lattice" because we simply do not notice it. In addition, to some extent, it really protects us from mistakes. But, alas, from discoveries too! And often the price of such “wisdom” is loneliness. nine0003

All of us, both men and women, are unique. That is why it is sometimes so difficult for us to find a mate - and why, when we find it, it brings us so much joy.

Why do they remain lonely?

There are so many women around them who dream of finding a life partner, but these men refuse to enter into long-term relationships. What are the underlying reasons that make them hold on tightly to their loneliness?

“I'm tired of everyone thinking they have the right to ask me why I'm not getting married,” says 48-year-old Mikhail. - To get rid of them, I bought a wedding ring and put it on my left hand, as if I were divorced or widowed. If they still ask me what it means, I’m not lying - I just take a deep breath and say: “You’d better not ask!” Usually this is enough.” nine0003

It is impossible to name with certainty one or even several reasons why a man prefers loneliness

The answer may lie in family history and sexual problems. “Even a survey will not help here,” says family psychologist Inna Shifanova. - Because among the reasons for loneliness may be, for example, hidden homosexuality. Many men do not even admit it to themselves and may prefer total abstinence.”

Isn't this the key to some Platonic romances, in which dates and frank conversations do not lead to physical intimacy and often leave women bewildered? nine0003

“This is not excluded, but the reason may be something else,” notes sexologist Irina Panyukova. - To be sexually incompetent, especially after a long break in sexual life, many men are afraid and therefore avoid any physical contact. Women often do not realize how vulnerable men are in this area. And subsequently, fear can overpower or completely suppress desire.

A patient and generous woman is able to help a man overcome many fears. However, experts remind that there are also such problems that cannot be solved without the help of a psychologist - and this will be possible only if the man himself wants these changes. nine0003

Family psychologist, teacher of theory and practice of trainings.

Personal website

Psychologist, sexologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League.

Personal website

Text: Valentina Razvilova Photo source: Getty Images

New on the site against anxiety - personal experience

“Husband texts another woman: regrets marriage and complains that I’m a bad mother”

“I talk to a friend like my boyfriend, but I don’t want him”

Love for porn destroys romantic relationships: a new study confirms this

Time Out, Brainstorming and Information Gathering: What to Do When Things Seem Hopeless - 4 Tips0001

This happened to me when I was 38. It was the period between the second civil and third legal wives. I forgot why a modern man needs a permanent relationship, and looking back, I saw that many peers live alone and have a great time. My father didn't have that kind of time. And my grandfather didn't. I had it and it worked for me. Text by Alik Schwartz

The time after the break with my second common-law wife, after a short period of getting used to an unusual bachelor life, unexpectedly turned out to be extremely comfortable. But, as it turned out, not everyone likes this state. I interviewed 15 acquaintances who are not in constant relationships with the opposite sex (the youngest of the respondents is 23 years old, the oldest is 55), and only three of them said that they were satisfied with their status. The rest dream of marriage, a warm cozy house, a family nest and little sparrows fluttering around the apartment. Neither of them wanted a romantic relationship. Closing their eyes, they seemed to jump over this period of time when you need to give flowers, take a girl to a restaurant, attend premieres in the theater and then discuss all this on evening dates in cozy little cafes. And it's understandable why. Most of my friends who are temporary bachelors have already worn out their once-trained courtship muscle during long-term relationships. They all lead active lives, meet women, they are healthy and successful people, but each of them developed the same symptoms that I had at my 38 years. nine0003

I got bored as hell taking a girl out to dinner and having conversations with her. Grab three or four cocktails at the bar, pinch her ass and invite her home - please, but courtship and dates - thank you.

I gradually lost all decent manners. Something happened to the memory. I forget the birthdays of all the women with whom I am connected, even my own mother, and if I have to participate in these boring holidays, then for some reason buying traditional gifts (flowers, sweets, perfumes) makes me wildly irritated. I am ready to give something provocative or bring some booze with me. But nothing so "gentle". nine0003

When I was in the company of charming but unfamiliar women, my stories became more and more smutty, and jokes became vulgar and with a beard. I repeated the same jokes, as if I wanted to say: “I'm not a nice guy at all, but I'm kind of honest and brutal. Do you want me? Take it as it is!”

---

Even after the most drop-dead sex, when you hear her call, you suddenly begin to experience monstrous irritation and understand: that's it, alles.

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In intimate life, I was more gentle and charming than ever, but I avoided close long-term relationships or tried to have several relationships at once, as if sorting them into shelves: this one for going to a club together, this one for getting drunk in a bar, well and this one is already on the board - with her nothing but sex. nine0003

And another very important thing: you start going on dates somehow very simply, like going to work, and about a month later, after four or five meetings, even after the most amazing sex, when you hear her call, you suddenly begin to experience a monstrous irritation and you understand: everything, alles.

I cannot say that there are many such men around me, but there are plenty of them. Jan 25. Why doesn't he have a permanent relationship? He is still quite young and, as he himself says, is not yet ready to adapt to someone, but he would very much like to, because most of his friends are in relationships. nine0003

Two of my colleagues, aged 36 and 38, lead a hectic life, but are already tired of it. One of them believes that he still needs time for self-education: “First, put the “attic” in order, deal with life ...” Well, then, apparently, you can already think about a serious relationship (this is what a 38-year-old man says). That is, they want to but cannot.

42-year-old Vitaly says that he has been living alone for a long time, limiting himself to short romances, out of fear that "it will end as usual - nothing."

There are also convinced loners. Volodya (51) quite without sadness admits that he is not monogamous and adds with a certain amount of irony: “I take my obligations towards ex-wives seriously, and new ones, as a rule, do not like this.” 27-year-old Sergey is convinced that living alone is much better and more comfortable: “I clean up after myself, and you can find sex anyway, this is not a reason to enter into a permanent relationship until you are in love. Money is mine, time is mine. No, if I fell in love without a mind, maybe I would get married. And further. My childhood friend, 44-year-old Dmitry, brilliant and a little knocked: “I am a scientist, I belong to eternity. The country is asshole and I'm incredibly happy to be living the single life." nine0003

But everyone else I asked this question said they would love to enter into a new permanent relationship. Many want this because all their peers are family friends. 40-year-old taxi driver Alexei, who often gave me a ride home from the Roof of the World, complained: “I had three women whom I loved, I wanted children and a family from them, but nothing worked. Everything is not right. I don’t have much time, I can’t look after, I practically don’t go anywhere, because I get very tired. I solve my problems already out of habit - I meet with visitors, have sex with them, it's very easy, only money sucks, bitches ... "

Stop. There is a serious contradiction here. I also thought something like this when I was 38, and I broke up with a girl. I often got drunk in rags and parted with girls without regret, because if not tomorrow, then the day after tomorrow will be different. I was sure that I could always stop, as alcoholics, drug addicts or gamblers always think. But it's not. Another muscle responsible for love, care and living together is gradually atrophying, and you no longer understand what the reason is: I don’t want to meet a girl because this one doesn’t suit me personally, or I’m generally mired in a bachelor life and don’t want to for it to end. nine0003

---

Maybe we're wrong when we say "That's the wrong chick"? Maybe she's the one, but we didn't have time to find out.

---

Here I am on the same “Roof of the World”. 10 a.m. I don't want to shoot anyone. I'm sitting at the bar with a glass of whiskey. Nearby is friend Cyril, who has tried almost everyone here, blowing in my ears that I don’t have the same one, but I would like to have a baby: “I'm tired! I don't enjoy such a mediocre pastime. " "How long was your last connection?" I ask. “Three weeks… a month,” he recalls. But during this time - and almost all respondents agree with this - it is impossible to feel another person and understand whether he is yours or not. And maybe we are wrong when we say: "This is not the right chick"? Maybe she's the one, but we didn't have time to find out. I felt terribly uncomfortable with this glass of whiskey, because tomorrow, Sunday, most of my friends with their girlfriends, wives, children will go to the parks, to the movies, to restaurants and enjoy life. And I realized that I needed treatment. My bosom friend sent me to a psychotherapist Irina. “You are really sick,” Irina said. “This is where you have to do the exercises.” "What kind?" I got scared. “Buy flowers, go to exhibitions with a girl, invite to premieres. Discuss all this with her all the time, talk it out. And you'll taste it again." nine0003

Oh! I obeyed the doctor, bought, overcoming disgust, three white roses, and my beautiful oriental companion told me with a displeased grimace that in her homeland boyfriends give girls 101 flowers. They went somewhere with such bouquets.

With another baby, after watching something from Woody Allen, we went to dinner at a restaurant. Nothing was said about the film. She took out her phone and started showing me some videos. Well, something like today's "what color is the dress - blue and black or white and gold?". I apologized, went to pee and never came back. nine0003

They were normal girls. It's just that my masculine muscle didn't want to work again. I had already become quite cynical and could not only interest others - it was boring with myself. Quick decisions "alcohol - club - bed" were so effective in killing time that life seemed filled to the brim. I had to use the opposite method: I put myself together: more work, more work, books, texts, films, travel and very little sex. Although there was something actively protesting down there: Dad, have you forgotten about me? nine0003

Somehow, after drinking heavily, I met a girl in a bar and, out of old habit, began to pry her up: like some kind of you are not very beautiful, and in winter it is not very customary for us to dress in white .

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