How to deal with an emotional abuser

Dealing with Emotional Abuse: How to Stop Emotional Abuse

Natasha Tracy

Dealing with emotional abuse is something that many men and women face in relationships. Whether it's a marriage, a friendship or even a work relationship, learning how to cope with emotional abuse can become a reality.

The first step in dealing with emotional abuse is learning to spot the signs. If you're not aware of the emotional abuse, you can't make it stop. The first sign of emotional abuse might be just something in the pit of the stomach, a vague feeling that something is "wrong." It's only by further assessing these feelings and the relationship that emotional abuse can be seen and stopped.

In short, in an emotionally abusive relationship, one party will try to control and dominate the other party by using abusive techniques. There becomes a power imbalance in abusive relationships where the abuser has all the power and the victim feels that they have none. However, victims really do have the power in this situation to stop the emotional abuse, but it can be difficult.

Coping with Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse doesn't have to go unchallenged and coping with emotional abuse is more than just learning to "live with it." Emotional abusers are just like bullies on the playground and just like bullies, their abuse can be handled.

Use these techniques when coping with emotional abuse:¹

Understand the abuser – while it can seem counterintuitive to have compassion for the abuser, sometimes changing the way you view the abuser can give you insight into coping with the abuse. Often abusers are insecure, anxious or depressed and remembering that may help you to keep the abuse in its proper context – the abuse isn't about you, it's about them.
Stand up to the abuser – just like the playground bully, emotional abusers don't like to be challenged and may back down if you challenge their abusive tactics.
Find positive ways to interact with the abuser – if you can handle the abuser in a neutral way, you may be able to see the positive in the abuser and find new ways to interact with him or her that is positive. This is mostly seen in workplace environments.
Change the subject or use humor to distract from the situation.
Never support acts of emotional abuse of others.

How to Stop Emotional Abuse

Dealing with emotional abuse isn't always an option though, particularly in severe cases or in intimate relationships.

Abusers don't stop emotional abuse on their own and it is up to the victims and those around them to help stop the emotional abuse. Although a victim may feel "beaten up" by the emotional abuser and may feel like they are nothing without him or her, the victim still can still stand up to the abuser and assert their own power.

Stopping emotional abuse takes courage. Use these techniques when stopping emotional abuse:

Regain control of the situation by acting confident and looking the abuser in the eye.
Speak in a calm, clear voice and state a reasonable expectation such as, "Stop teasing me. I want you to treat me with dignity and respect."
Act out of rationality, with responses that will help the situation, and not out of emotion.
Practice being more assertive in other situations, so you can be more assertive when being emotionally abused.

How to Stop Severe Emotional Abuse

In cases of severe emotional abuse, there may be no choice but to leave the relationship. Emotional abusers can only change so much as their behavior tends to be ingrained. If the abuser is not willing to change or get help for their abusive behavior, it is time for you to get your own help. No one deserves to be abused and help is available. Be sure to contact law enforcement if, at any time, you feel you or someone else is in danger.²

To stop severe emotional abuse:

Remember you are not alone and that the abuse is not your fault
Call a help-line
Go to Womanslaw. org to find state and national help
Contact a child and family welfare agency
Talk to your doctor or other health professionals

Read more information on Emotional Abuse Help, Support, and Recovery.

article references

APA Reference
Tracy, N. (2021, December 17). Dealing with Emotional Abuse: How to Stop Emotional Abuse, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, December 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/dealing-with-emotional-abuse-how-to-stop-emotional-abuse

Last Updated: December 30, 2021

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

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In This Article

If you suspect your relationship is unhealthy, it probably is.

We’re not talking about rude behavior, occasional transgression, or a mistake made in public. Much like a single instance of bad behavior isn’t bullying; a relationship isn’t unhealthy because of a few poor choices.

An unhealthy relationship negatively impacts those (or more likely just one person) in the relationship and can take a toll on one’s mood, confidence, behavior, other relationships, and body.

When bad behavior is repeated amongst kids, acquaintances, or co-workers, we quickly call it bullying. There isn’t a lot of debate about what to call threats to injure or actual bodily harm.

However, when bad behavior (that isn’t physically violent) repeatedly happens in our intimate (romantic or familial) relationships, people often struggle to define it. If you suspect your relationship is unhealthy, it probably is.

Related Reading: 7 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional or psychological abuse can be hard to describe and even harder to recognize. Often this behavior occurs behind closed doors and is subtle, passive-aggressive, covert, or even plausibly deniable.

Verbal aggression, insults, threats, intimidation, coercion, manipulation, or isolation that affect the targets sense of safety (physical or emotional), self-esteem, and even perception of reality ARE emotional or psychological abuse.

Most people are unlikely to identify themselves as victims of abuse, even if the behaviors they have experienced are classic signs of emotional abuse. Victims of abuse frequently have difficulty identifying the emotional severity and impact of the abuse they have experienced.

Understanding the behaviors, feelings, and impact of unhealthy relationships is an essential part of moving towards a healthier and happier self, regardless of what happens with that relationship.

Recipients of abuse often blame themselves for not doing enough when they are taking on too much.

Emotional abuse in relationships erodes confidence and self-worth, leading to self-doubt, anxiety, depression, isolation, and increased dependence on the abuser. Recipients of abuse often blame themselves for not doing enough when taking on too much.

Recipients coping with emotional abuse often feel responsible for accommodating the abuser, responsible for others’ feelings or actions, or feeling obligated to keep the peace or go with the flow to avoid outbursts, moods, or tantrums.

People experiencing emotional abuse tend to isolate themselves from supportive friends or family. They might feel disconnected, or if the abuser is critical or expresses negative views of the friends, they may find themselves less likely to risk conflict or judgment by seeing those people.

Introverts may be at an additional risk of isolation if they don’t have a strong social or support network.

The more isolated one becomes, the easier it is for inappropriate behavior and emotional abuse to become normalized, excused, or overlooked. Isolation prevents us from feeling connected to others, getting perspective, or seeing and experiencing other, healthy relationships. Isolation contributes to people staying in abusive relationships.

Emotionally abusive relationships are not a two-way street. The psychologically abusive relationship benefits one person- the abuser. You are not stuck with having to accept this as usual. You deserve the kindness and compassion you give so freely to others.

Finding a therapist helps you in overcoming emotional abuse and manage the complicated feelings that may arise from being in and leaving an emotionally abusive situation.

Related Reading: 8 Ways to Stop Emotional Abuse in Marriage

Consider the CREATE strategy as a tool to help you deal with emotional abuse and create a path forward:

1. Connect

Connect with friends and family. Reach out to meaningful connections, even if it has been some time since you last spoke. Let people care about you, build a support system, and feel less isolated.

2. Recognize

Recognize behavioral patterns of abuse. Knowing and anticipating behaviors will help you gain clarity about your situation.

Do you want to continue the habits and roles you’re observing, or do you want something different?

Being able to anticipate abusive tactics can make it feel less personal and empower you a bit more. Even though you may be targeted, this isn’t about you. It is about the abuser.

3. Establish

Establish your boundaries and decide how you want to be treated and what you no longer wish to tolerate.

What do you want? What do you need?

It can help to think about how you would treat others and remember that you should expect the same for yourself.

4. Assert

Assert your needs. If you need help, speak up. If your feelings were hurt, say so. Don’t put your needs aside to accommodate someone else’s feelings or wants.

A healthy partner wouldn’t want you to suppress your feelings to accommodate their own. A healthy relationship will account for everyone’s needs, feelings, and desires equally. If they don’t consider your feelings when you express them, maybe that invalidation is the only answer you need for stopping emotional abuse.

The video below discusses useful tips for being assertive without coming out as rude, like getting in touch with your own needs, signaling flexibility by giving options, and more. Learn more below

5. Take back

Take back your power. You don’t have to continue to give up your power. You can control the conversation. You can control what you expose yourself to. You are not obligated to listen to someone berate you.

You do not need to answer unreasonable questions or demands. You can be kind and firm without accommodating inappropriate behavior. You can tell someone not to speak to you in a certain way or remind them that you see things differently.

6. Exit

Exit when needed. You can end a conversation, phone call, or physically leave if things escalate, become critical, unproductive, or are upsetting. You don’t need to stick around and bear the abuse just because you did in the past.

None of this is easy to do. Dealing with a psychologically abusive relationship can be very emotional, intimidating, and challenging. The more consistent, the easier it will get. You are enforcing your boundaries, and you’ll develop more confidence in your ability to do so.

A professional’s support will guide and support in getting past emotional abuse while you regain your voice and make yourself a priority without guilt or fear. A therapist will empower you throughout this challenging situation and establish and sticking to boundaries less stressful and lonely than if you try to go it alone.

Related Reading: Effective Ways to Deal With the After-effects of Physical Assault

References

http://www.kcc.edu/students/studentlife/Documents/HealthyVsUnhealthy.pdfhttps://www.ijrte.org/wp-content/uploads/papers/v8i2S3/B10420782S319.pdfhttps://www. researchgate.net/publication/313518353_Assertiveness

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In the old days, the word “resentment” meant a slap in the face - it seemed like you didn’t hit hard, there were no bruises, but you feel as if you were beaten for a long time. Resentment is insidious in that it overshadows logic and, like a slow poison, corrodes a person from the inside. He ceases to adequately assess reality, fixes on painful experiences, cherishes them (sometimes he endlessly scrolls pictures of revenge on the offender in his head), and as a result does not notice the colors of life. Let's talk about ten effective ways to competently respond to resentment.

Why resentment arises

Resentment is always a threat to our positive self-image. If a person is offended, obviously, an important string of his soul is touched. It is impossible to offend with what is insignificant for a person or very far from his reality. For example, if you say “fat cow” to two women, then one may be mortally offended (if she herself is not satisfied with her appearance), and the other will only laugh in your face or just be very surprised, but not offended.

So why does resentment arise? Let's name three main reasons.

- Unnecessary expectations. Any expectations are fraught with resentment if they are not justified. Let's say you do good to a person, expecting gratitude, but the person does not react as you would like. Or you expect to receive something significant as a gift, and you are given a trinket. Or you hope that friends will offer you help in a difficult situation, and they are limited to words of sympathy. In such cases, bitterness appears in the soul.

- Inability to forgive. This is the cause of most grievances. Moreover, a person often does not understand why he was offended, but he knows well how the offender could make amends. Again, we are dealing with expectations. Forgiveness is not at all an excuse for the act of another, rather it is an acceptance of the fact that what happened has already happened, and no one is able to change the events of the past. To learn to forgive, you need to stop evaluating the behavior of others, that is, comparing reality with your expectations.

- Desire to manipulate. Often people use resentment as a tool to control others. The other person, watching you feel "bad", develops a sense of guilt and becomes more pliant. It is important to remember that the manipulator spoils the life not only of another, but also of himself. Therefore, it is important to recognize the propensity for manipulation in yourself and replace it with more constructive tools for interacting with others.

How to deal with resentment

Say the problem. Mentally explain to yourself why something offends you. Remember that something important to you is affected. If you decide to speak out in front of a friend, you may be able to admit to yourself what you could not admit to yourself. By the way, it is easier to be frank with a stranger, for example, with a fellow traveler or a helpline operator.
Keep a diary of emotions. Write down every half an hour what emotions you experience. The need to put into words what you feel forces you to switch from the language of emotions to the language of logic. This surprisingly simple tool allows you to deal with many negative conditions.

By the way, if you keep a diary of insults regularly, then over time you will gain statistics of typical threats to your mood. Counter each threat with something that, on the contrary, makes you feel better. So, you will create an important arsenal for yourself in order to more confidently face any challenge.

Get busy. Resentment often accompanies weak and restless people who are dissatisfied with themselves and their lives. It takes a lot of time - you have to constantly remember all the details of the offense, think of new ones, imagine the development of events, in a word, wind yourself up in every possible way. You can devote hours, days and even years to this stupid occupation. Try not to do this! Do not give offense a lot of personal time, appreciate it. Schedule every minute of your day: work, rest, sleep. The busier you are, the less temptation you will be to be offended.
Get physically tired. Tired muscles are a guarantee of good health in the future, because the moment of rest after a workout is always a great pleasure. Don't stay in one place, keep moving. By the way, it has been noticed that people who go in for extreme sports, where strong emotions are added to the load, are rarely offended at all. However, for an unprepared person, a simple dousing with cold water can become quite extreme. And will wash off the insult.
Read. Other people's thoughts and experiences often help us to look at our situation from a new angle, and, simply, to distract ourselves emotionally. It is also useful to share your impressions about what you have read with other people. Discussing new books is much more interesting than grinding the same old grievances inside yourself.
Choose the right social circle. Go through in your head all the people you see most often and choose the optimists among them. Look for fellowship with them. Those who speak badly of others, complain, procrastinate problems, on the contrary, try to avoid. The more you talk to positive people, the more positive you become.
Never decide anything in a hurry. If emotions are stronger than you, take a time-out, postpone showdowns and difficult conversations indefinitely. As they say, in any ambiguous situation, go to bed: the morning is wiser than the evening.
Look inside yourself more often. It's worth doing every day, not just when something bad happens. As often as possible, ask yourself what is meaningful to you and what is not. A person who knows himself with all the "weak links" of his psyche becomes less vulnerable.
Seek help from a psychologist, if you cannot unwind the tangle of grievances on your own. With the help of a specialist, you can do the necessary introspection faster to change your perception of traumatic factors.
Learn to be grateful. Stop associating the satisfaction of your needs with the behavior of another ( “Now if my boss raised my salary…”, “Now if my parents were rich…”, “Now if my children took better care of me…” ). Let go of the idea that someone owes you something. Try to be as self-sufficient as possible. If other people do something for you, thank you sincerely. If you notice a grudge against someone in yourself, take a piece of paper and start writing down the points for which you could say “thank you” to this person.

American scientists from Stanford University studied people who tried to get rid of years of resentment. It turned out that those who managed to forgive the offenders, as a result, not only began to have a more positive attitude towards life, they also got rid of headaches, back pain and began to sleep better.

To learn optimism, read in the Library of the BookA short review of the book "Optimism" by the Italian psychologist Luigi Anolli. This book was not published in Russian. And to correct your attitude towards other people, advice from the book of the famous Erich Fromm "The Art of Loving" will help you.

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Lovely💖 How to communicate with a person who offended you

What is resentment and what are its causes
What is resentment
Is it worth to endure resentment or hide it?
How to behave with an offender: 8 behaviors
How to deal with resentment or resentment
Mindfulness, not autopilot

“You are evil, I will leave you!” - a familiar sight, isn't it? The man was offended, he proudly turned around and left. But for some reason it is not the villain-offender who suffers. Namely offended. He is deprived of pleasant communication, joint leisure, and sometimes even work. Not to mention that he experiences caustic, extremely unpleasant feelings. In fact, you can survive unpleasant feelings without loss and again communicate constructively with the person who offended you.

What is resentment and what are its causes

Resentment is not an innate trait of a person's character. These are emotions + a way of responding to an unpleasant situation and an attempt to change it in your favor. In infants and children under 2 years of age, there is no resentment yet. It's too difficult for them. But there is a constructive feeling - anger. And from 2 to 5 years old, a child is able to learn the scheme: if you don’t do what I want, I show you how I suffer. This way of expressing anger can be tried once, or it can be used by a child systematically - because it allows you to get your way. For simplicity, we can decompose this behavior into components:

Needs and expectations (the wife is expecting a gift from her husband on her wedding anniversary).
Observation (the wife sees that the husband has forgotten).
Comparison (wife compares expectations and results, understands that she did not get what she wanted, experiences negative emotions).
The wife shows her husband how offended she is (in order to get what she wants through her husband's guilt).

In life, all these stages pass unconsciously and quickly. The last stage may not occur if the person realizes that his demand is unfair or that such behavior will not bring the desired.

What kind of resentment can be

One should not think that a developed personality, a person who grew up in a prosperous, emotionally healthy family, will never experience resentment. The world of relationships is complex, it is natural to encounter something new, unusual and uncomfortable. The feeling of discomfort and deceived expectations is like a weather vane arrow. It points to a place that needs reconciliation.

However, resentment can be different. Psychologists distinguish the following types:

Easy.
Personal.
Blood.

All of them differ in the depth of impact. Light grievances are quickly forgotten, they are easy to forgive, they sometimes go away even on their own. Or a person manages to realize his anger, see his weaknesses, inability to get what he wants. Although such resentments can snowball, they can only develop into a serious problem in specific cases.

The personal touches the deep layers of the personality, affects the person's ideas about himself. It will require serious action on both sides or a significant revision of their views.

Blood - akin to trauma. In these cases, a person will feel better only if he takes revenge or breaks off the relationship.

It is also possible to single out an insult-substitution. The occasion looks insignificant, but it evokes strong dramatic emotions. For example, a girl finds an old correspondence with a school friend from a man. And although there is no reason to be jealous of this girlfriend, a burning resentment wakes up. The reason is old, long ignored emotions. And not necessarily in relation to the direct participant in the situation.

Finally, resentment can turn into a person's constant companion. The unresolved issue does not seem to interfere with life. But a person periodically scrolls through an unpleasant memory, even talks to the offender, expresses angry words to him.

This kind of resentment is one of the most dangerous. A seemingly imperceptible problem can drain strength and energy, deprive you of daily joys, which will then remind you of yourself with a feeling of irreparable loss and resentment for wasted years.

Is it worth to endure the offense or hide it

Yes, touchiness is not a strong quality. Next to an eternally offended person, those around him are hard and not free. The offended one seems to say to other people: “You are bad, look at the pain you have caused me. ” Many people feel very well that, often offended, they lose their reputation, look weak, and they choose to hide the offense, not to show it.

This is not exactly a mistake. However, there is a danger in this behavior. A person hides resentment from others, and from ... himself. “Swallow resentment” - with such a well-aimed expression, folk wisdom describes the situation when a person “ate” negative emotions, they are now inside him, corrode and do not allow to live in peace.

To begin with, understand that there is resentment-feeling and resentment-behavior. At the behavioral level, indeed, it is not worth showing resentment in every situation. But you should never ignore your emotions. The perception should be clear and honest in front of you: I am offended, it hurts, I feel bad. Honesty is the first step to making a difference, successfully realizing, living or redefining that feeling, and becoming truly free of it.

How to deal with an offender: 8 behaviors

Aggressive people exist, they sting, hurt, provoke. A passive attitude only makes the situation worse. Each person has faced unmotivated aggression, which must somehow be resisted. Below we will consider behaviors that will put an attacker in his place and even, perhaps, make him a good friend or partner.

Calmness, only calmness

Provocateurs love other people's emotions: anger, resentment, disappointment. For them, this is both evidence of the defeat / weakening of the object, and a way to read the opponent like a book. If you do not give them the opportunity to receive emotional food, you can achieve several goals at once:

Energy will be released to solve the problem.
The manipulator will have less leverage.

Only self-control should not be purely demonstrative. The offender will catch both the pursed lips and the effort in the eyes. The most effective thing is to really feel the silence and stability within yourself. To do this, stop, take a deep breath, then mentally count to 10, slowly exhaling. During these 10 seconds, you can think, and the answer will probably be more accurate.

If emotions are not over yet, you can always use phrases that will give you time: “not ready to comment on this”, “I need time to think”, “this is a serious matter that deserves attention”.

Step to the side and back

Time is one of the most valuable resources. Therefore, perhaps an aggressive person is not worth attention at all. An unpleasant situation in a public place or even with a relative can deeply hurt, but is it really so important for your own well-being? Communicating with the person who offended you, sometimes there is simply no need! You can get out of a lot of conflict situations. Sometimes literally - at the door, sometimes with the help of phrases like: "let's talk about it later", "I can't now, I'm very busy."

Sometimes it is useful to pause the situation. Get distracted, chat with a good friend or a person not involved in the situation, get any advice. This will restore the freshness of perception, allow you to appreciate the importance of the conflict and give new strength. Then, if the situation still requires participation and is really important, you can again take a step forward.

Proactivity

This buzzword is the ability to critically perceive any phenomena of the surrounding world, initiative and responsibility. A proactive person actively approaches the surrounding reality, he does not take anything as an axiom, he explores, learns and acts. The reactive person is his impulsive and gullible antipode. Proactive people are almost unaffected by aggressive characters. Even if they are attacked, they react dynamically, see the reasons and motives of the aggressor, understand what he needs, are stable and are able to find creative solutions. They act proactively and simply do not have time to turn into a victim.

Becoming a proactive person is not easy, but you can start by analyzing your opponent's behavior. An example of reactivity: "My neighbor is not in a good mood again today, his caustic phrases scare me." An example of proactivity: “My neighbor is not in the mood again today, apparently, troubles at work, health problems or with his wife, I need to find out what the matter is, sympathize with him or start avoiding him.”

I have the right

When interacting with aggressive people, you need to clearly know your rights. Demoralizing communication can act overwhelmingly, and a person surrenders one by one the positions to which he is entitled by default:

The right to health and happiness.
Express one's opinions, have a different opinion than others.
Express desires, feelings.
Say no.
Get paid for your work.
Feel the respect of others.
Choose a business to your liking and set life priorities to your taste.
Protect yourself physically and psychologically.

Any attempt to violate these rights can be boldly given a calm, unwavering "no". That is, if a girl believes that she should first make a career, and then take care of her family, she has no need to answer, to explain something to those who disagree.

Do not make excuses

A common mistake is to start explaining something in response to a counter attack or accusation. This already puts us at a disadvantage.

The right of another to attack is automatically recognized. But there is an alternative possibility. Seize the initiative by quickly asking counter questions. “This is your mistake” - “Justify. Where do you see miscalculations? instead of "It's because I...".

“The Importance of Not Being Serious”

Humor is a creative way to turn a situation around and reduce tension. Humor dissolves anger and can turn the spark of a future major conflict into a harmless and even hilarious incident that can then be shared with colleagues or employees.

Seeing the funny is not always easy, a good joke is a real art. But an aggressive person is a loser in advance - he is evil, and even if he manages to use irony or sarcasm, they will sound heavy.

Formal style

Communicating with the person who offended you is much easier in the formal style. Just business and no emotions. In the same way, you can block aggressive dynamics until the situation has grown into a serious problem. The more personal and immediate, the more likely the attacks will intensify.

An example of impersonal communication: “It is important to evaluate all the pros and cons of this project. I propose to analyze again”, instead of “Your proposals are nonsense”.

"Remember the consequences"

A counter threat to an aggressive person may look like weakness. Another thing is to gently remind about the consequences. You don't need to attack. It is necessary to list exactly what can really happen, calmly and without exaggeration, in a friendly tone. This approach can sober up even the most aggressive person, because there are few people who like to harm themselves.

How to deal with resentment or resentment

Task number one is to separate the feeling of resentment from the essence of resentment. You need to deal with the feeling if there is a transfer to the opponent. And you need to work with the situation if the claims are based on something constructive and requiring changes in all participants in the relationship.

Example: An employee is offended by a colleague's haughty attitude. But this colleague is a complex person and communicates with everyone in the team in the same way. Attempts to change his behavior in this case will not be constructive, but it will be useful to analyze the reasons for his “underminings”.

Another example: the same colleague demonstrates a friendly attitude in public, but in private it is obvious that his friendliness is fake, in fact this person does not get tired of sticking hairpins. In this case, the situation cannot be solved by working only with your reactions. After analyzing your feelings, you need to look for ways to change the situation.

Awareness, not an autopilot

Honesty with oneself and the ability to look into oneself greatly help to change the situation.

Learn more