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I hate everything about myself


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  • SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

    Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.

The service is open 24/7, 365 days a year.

English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.

In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.

The referral service is free of charge. If you have no insurance or are underinsured, we will refer you to your state office, which is responsible for state-funded treatment programs. In addition, we can often refer you to facilities that charge on a sliding fee scale or accept Medicare or Medicaid. If you have health insurance, you are encouraged to contact your insurer for a list of participating health care providers and facilities.

The service is confidential. We will not ask you for any personal information. We may ask for your zip code or other pertinent geographic information in order to track calls being routed to other offices or to accurately identify the local resources appropriate to your needs.

No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

  • Suggested Resources

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    It's Not Your Fault (NACoA) (PDF | 12 KB)
    Assures teens with parents who abuse alcohol or drugs that, "It's not your fault!" and that they are not alone. Encourages teens to seek emotional support from other adults, school counselors, and youth support groups such as Alateen, and provides a resource list.

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    For additional resources, please visit the SAMHSA Store.

Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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The Locator is authorized by the 21st Century Cures Act (Public Law 114-255, Section 9006; 42 U.S.C. 290bb-36d). SAMHSA endeavors to keep the Locator current. All information in the Locator is updated annually from facility responses to SAMHSA’s National Substance Use and Mental Health Services Survey (N-SUMHSS). New facilities that have completed an abbreviated survey and met all the qualifications are added monthly. Updates to facility names, addresses, telephone numbers, and services are made weekly for facilities informing SAMHSA of changes. Facilities may request additions or changes to their information by sending an e-mail to [email protected], by calling the BHSIS Project Office at 1-833-888-1553 (Mon-Fri 8-6 ET), or by electronic form submission using the Locator online application form (intended for additions of new facilities).

“I hate myself”: what is hidden behind self-denial

Self-dislike is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon. From the outside it may seem that this is not so, but many people, in fact, deny their own identity, do not accept the real themselves, preferring to hide under various fictitious identities. That is, they create a certain image, play certain socially acceptable roles in life, in which, as it seems to them, others will love them more (or at least hate them less).

"My Charm": Gollum's Syndrome

For example, many women struggle to look like good wives and mothers, but in reality they are neither. But realizing that in their true role they will not be accepted by “decent society”, they carefully hide this part of their nature, mask it with a thick layer of “virtue” and continue to hate themselves at the same time. Men, for their part, often embellish their own successes and achievements, internally feeling like failures. But there is an opinion that the true attitude towards oneself is always broadcast to others, read by them on a non-verbal level, therefore, internal rejection is unlikely to meet any other reaction from those who are planned to show off.

Self-negation is also understood as the depreciation of one's strengths. For various reasons, it is easier for a person to be “bad” - as a rule, due to childhood traumas.

“Human consciousness consists of many other people's attitudes – parental, social, teaching, etc. Recently I had a patient at my appointment who all the time spoke about himself in a derogatory tone and called him a fool. I asked who used to call him that all the time as a child, and he remembered that it was his mother. She has been gone for a long time, but he still hears in his head her condemning voice and the word "fool". He voluntarily let into his mind a tyrant and a despot, a hologram of hatred, who continued the work of his mother even after her departure, live and prosper,” says psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, candidate of medical sciences Evgeny Fomin.

Sometimes "characters" in one person can wage a real war among themselves.

“In the film The Lord of the Rings, the character Gollum suffers from a split personality, where one, more cruel, rejects her complete opposite. Such an exaggerated example can depict a situation when a person rejects parts of his personality that for some reason seem unacceptable to him. How often can one hear the terrible (for the psychotherapeutic ear) words: "I hate myself, you stupid, lazy brute." A person unconsciously rejects parts of his personality. Apparently, this is an evolutionary process. In physiology, this can be compared with the process of autoimmune diseases, when the immune system begins to perceive its own tissues as foreign and damages them,” the doctor explains.

A classic example of self-denial is also illustrated by the 2003 French thriller directed by Alexandre Aja, Blood Harvest. In one of the heroines, there are two personalities at the same time, one of which has tender feelings for her classmate, and the second, meanwhile, is trying to eliminate everyone who somehow gets between them. These two subpersonalities are in irreconcilable conflict, perceiving each other as something autonomous and hostile.

However, the cause of self-denial can be not only childhood trauma, but also some significant fail already in adulthood, when a person failed to realize some significant enterprise for him. Such a person cannot come to terms with the role of a loser, since his self-esteem was largely tied to the successful outcome of this case, and from that moment not the most constructive changes may begin in his life - psychosomatics, alcohol abuse and, again, self-hatred.

However, the last “trend” is also rooted in childhood: it was the parents, who constantly demanded feats from their child, who could drive into his head the idea that without significant success on his part, their love is impossible. Therefore, in order to be someone who deserves love in principle, such a person strives to be the best, as if justifying the trust of his parents. If, for some reason, and at some particular time stage, this does not happen, all the same parental attitudes come into play, forcing a person to mix himself with dirt and devalue all past achievements.

Do the impossible

The way out is to love yourself. “As the “enlightened ones” say, love corrects any karma. You need to accept yourself 100%, with all your pluses and minuses, strengths and weaknesses. Man, like the world around him, is dual. White-black, anima-animus, good-evil. I need to recognize and accept my “dark” sides and love myself completely, because if I don’t love myself, why should the others? Evgeny Fomin advises.

However, to many people the very idea seems wild. How to love yourself, if - objectively - it seems that there is no reason? For example, a person may sincerely consider himself stupid and ugly, and, quite possibly, not very handsome and smart in reality. If he begins to suggest to himself in front of a mirror that he is “the most charming and attractive”, the mind will rebel - after all, this is not so. How to be and why love yourself?

“That's for nothing, just for what is, the way nature created it,” says the expert. – There is a simple exercise that I give to my patients to work out self-love. Stand in front of a mirror, look at your reflection, look into your eyes and say out loud: "I love you." It is difficult, sometimes even very. But over time it will be easier, and a person will definitely feel positive changes in himself. It works! And this exercise is not about persuasion, but about self-acceptance: yes, I am the way I see myself in the mirror, and I still love.

In general, self-rejection is, in most cases, a subjective psychological attitude, the psychotherapist explains. “There are external defects that irritate people and make them hate their appearance. These defects - a crooked nose, a wart on the forehead, or, for example, the genetically inherited disease "cleft lip", as a rule, can be corrected surgically. But people who deny themselves go under the knife with fewer problems, and more often with their complete absence,” the doctor explains.

As a result, the pursuit of perfection becomes an obsession with correcting one's body, bringing it up to the standards of a rapidly changing fashion. “But, unfortunately, even numerous operations do not make such people happy and full-fledged individuals. Over time, this behavior moves towards greater psychiatry and falls under the mental disorder "dysmorphophobia" - concern about imaginary defects in one's body and physical rejection of oneself. A year ago, I met Nick Vujicic, a man who was born without arms and legs. I have never met a more complete and self-sufficient person in my life. His life was harder than life 99% of people on the planet. By all the laws of the genre, he should have turned into a depressive invalid, but he found the strength in himself to love himself for who he is and make people treat him the same way. He started a family, performs with motivational trainings around the world, sings songs and records videos. Despite the long 12-hour flight and transfers, at the end of our conversation he smiled and offered to hug him. This filled me with joy and confidence that most of the anxieties and anxieties of people, including myself, are completely far-fetched, ”summed up the psychotherapist.

what to do if you feel self-hatred (auto-aggression) — She — tsn.ua

It would seem that we have no more important and unshakable value than ourselves. But it happens - and such stories, unfortunately, are not uncommon - that a person hates himself with every fiber of his soul. Where does this completely unnatural feeling come from and how, once it overtook you, get rid of it?

The secret becomes clear

Self-hatred, which is also called auto-aggression, can be of two types - explicit or conscious, when a person is aware that he is experiencing negative feelings towards himself, and secret and subconscious . And if in the first case everything is more or less clear, then in the second one can draw a conclusion about self-hate by the behavior of a person who does everything to cause maximum harm to himself and his body.

People experiencing auto-aggression suffer from negative habits - smoking, alcoholism and drug addiction, torture themselves with all kinds of diets and hunger strikes, go in for extreme sports, are extremely inattentive, because of which they often inflict physical injuries on themselves, do not wash for months and do not observe hygiene , do not clean the house, allowing themselves to live in unsanitary conditions. Of course, all of the above may have other reasons, but when such behavior takes on a pathological character, it definitely could not have done without auto-aggression.

Also read

If the world did not live up to expectations

Since existence determines consciousness, and not vice versa, self-hatred is most often caused by external rather than internal causes. At a certain life stage something went wrong and life began to seem empty and worthless, and the world began to deceive the expectations that were placed on it. What does a strong person do in such a case? Works on mistakes and begins to overcome external circumstances. How does the weak behave? Convinced that he is not capable of fighting the whole world, he begins to hate himself as the closest object, which is also an easy prey. “I am worse than others,” he says to himself, “I am not worthy of the good, so the world rejects me, I hate myself for being forced to vegetate on the sidelines when others live a full and happy life.”

Loss or abuse

Self-hatred can arise from tragic life events, such as loss and abuse. In the first case, a person, in the process of experiencing, concludes that he has guilty of something before the world, since he has deprived him of his beloved and close person or very important and necessary things for him. In the second case, which more often concerns women than men, he begins to consider himself dirty, scolded, worthy only of contempt and, as a result, hatred.

Also read

Hatred as a punishment

Another reason a person may feel negatively about himself is a crime or a bad deed that he cannot forgive himself. It is up to each individual to determine its severity, but certainly no one will hate themselves for crossing the street at a red light, unless as a result of this another person died - for example, the driver of a car trying to avoid a collision. It is easy to understand that self-hatred in such cases is closely connected with guilt, and the more a person feels it, the more he will punish himself - that is, hate.

Hellinger to help you

But what if a person cannot clearly explain why he hates himself? In such cases, psychologists recommend referring to the events of early childhood - most likely, it was there that something happened that made you later hate yourself. This may be, for example, a psychological trauma received at the so-called tender age.

The easiest way to restore events is with the help of system-family constellations according to the Hellinger method, which - if desired - you can master on your own, since there is enough literature about this method - both in bookstores and on the Internet. If for some reason this does not work out, it is not shameful to turn to the help of a specialist, which, fortunately, is also not lacking today.

Why is self-hatred so terrible? No matter how we hate others, they have a chance to neutralize our negativity: to answer us with evil for evil, to stop communicating with us, thus getting rid of us and our attitude, to visit, in the end, some grandmother a whisperer that will remove the damage, if, of course, this person believes in such things. But a person cannot run away from himself, besides, he knows exactly how to hit himself more painfully.

How to return love to yourself

How to stop hating yourself and return to yourself, if not love, then at least respect? There are several points that can certainly help achieve this goal.

Psychologist's advice

Less self-criticism. Self-criticism is a very powerful weapon, so you need to use it carefully, otherwise you risk ruining your self-esteem completely. Of course, self-satisfaction and a sense of one's own usefulness and infallibility should also be avoided, but one should not find fault with oneself with or without reason. Praise yourself more often for successes and forgive for mistakes and failures - just recognize your right to them as a living person, and not a scheme or a robot programmed for success.

I am not like others. Remember that you are not like others, if only because all people are inimitable and unique, so you should not compare yourself with them: everyone has their own advantages and disadvantages, and it is not a fact that someone secretly does not envy you , believing that nature and fate gave you much more generously than him. Start with what you have, turning weaknesses into strengths and strengths into strengths.

We strengthen self-esteem. Absolutely everyone knows how important self-esteem is for a person, because only the lazy among psychologists and journalists did not write about it.

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