Dealing with ocpd spouse

Making the Most of a Challenging Situation

Published: October 22, 2021 Updated: October 31, 2022

Published: 10/22/2021 Updated: 10/31/2022

Partners with OCPD (obsessive-compulsive personality disorder) can be a curse or a blessing. They can be rigid, controlling, and critical.¹ But they can also be dependable, hardworking, and conscientious.^2,3 Usually, people with full-blown OCPD present great challenges to a relationship.⁴ The non-compulsive partner can only do so much to improve the situation, but that limited amount can still make a significant difference.

Sometimes it isn’t possible to improve a relationship with an OCPD spouse because many people with the condition are convinced that their way of living is superior, and are not open to change.¹ But some are willing to change and enlist their obsessive-compulsive determination in improving their role as a partner.

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What Is OCPD?

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a pervasive and enduring psychological condition in which the individual feels a great need for perfection, order, and control.⁵ He or she may become rigid and stubborn about planning, schedules, and rules.They get lost in details and forget the original intention of their projects.⁶ These tendencies get worse when pressures mount and their anxiety increases.

Not everyone with OCPD is the same. The severity of traits can vary widely. Depending on the symptoms that are most prevalent, some people with the disorder are more domineering, some are workaholics; some are overly eager to please, and some procrastinate.⁷ A domineering OCPD spouse usually presents the greatest difficulties in relationships, though workaholics, because they are unavailable, and procrastinators, because they don’t meet their responsibilities, may also cause distress in relationships.

OCPD & Co-Occurring Disorders

While OCPD is not well-known as a condition, it’s actually relatively common (2-8% of the population may have it). Because of this, people who have OCPD may also have other conditions such as depression, OCD, hoarding disorder, or an eating disorder that may make life more difficult for themselves and their partner.

OCPD vs. OCD

OCPD is different from the more well-known OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder).⁸ OCPD is a personality disorder, and therefore affects the entire personality. OCD is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by the presence of specific obsessions such as intrusive thoughts and unrealistic worries, and specific compulsions, such as excessive hand-washing and frequent checking to make sure that doors are locked.

In some cases OCD may keep the individual from functioning enough to work or maintain relationships. However, it usually affects only particular aspects of his or her life rather than their entire personality, as does OCPD. While both conditions can be treated with therapy, many symptoms of OCD will also be treated with medication. There are not any medication interventions for OCPD.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder & Relationships

OCPD is a serious illness that can devastate relationships, and can have a negative impact on the well-being of the non-OCPD partner. Spouses with OCPD may be particularly difficult to live with because their excessive need for control and order affects the lives of those around them so directly. If the couple has children the problems are magnified.

Since people with OCPD have been so preoccupied with accomplishing tasks for most of their lives, they have little awareness of their feelings, other than the frustration and irritation they experience when they are unable to control a situation. This makes it difficult for them to be aware of their own emotions and communicate them to their partner. It also makes it more difficult for them to understand the feelings of others. They may appear to be indifferent to the needs of others.

Marriage & OCPD

Many people enter relationships with partners who have OCPD without realizing that the other person has OCPD. In fact, the potential partner may seem like a great find because they work hard and are honest and conscientious. But with time it also becomes apparent that they are a workaholic, critical, and demanding. We all put our best foot forward in relationships at first and our darker side only comes out with time. This is true of people with OCPD as well.

But even a relatively healthy compulsive may become more rigid, frugal and controlling once they feel responsibility to provide for a growing family. Children and a mortgage may raise their anxiety and bring on symptoms that weren’t there before.

OCPD & Divorce

Research regarding divorce and OCPD is scant. However, one study found that while people with some personality disorders are much more likely to get divorced, OCPD was actually negatively related to divorce. In a sample of people aging in range from 55-64, people with OCPD were less likely to divorce than average.⁹ Their typical tenacity may lend itself to sustaining a marriage, even if it is troubled.

One thing to keep in mind is that people with OCPD are capable of change, and while they may meet the diagnostic criteria for OCPD today, they may not two years later.¹⁰

How Does OCPD Affect Relationships?

While many with OCPD may have healthy relationships with their colleagues or subordinates in a work setting, they can struggle with romantic relationships. OCPD affects these relationships by creating a situation where both partners’ anxieties become exaggerated, and both become afraid to be close to the other. A downward spiral of mutually reinforcing negativity may ensue.

Potential OCPD relationship problems may include:

Anxiety Leading to Control

The compulsive partner, out of a fear of things going wrong, tries to control what happens in the relationship, and to control how the non-compulsive partner behaves. They may make comments or demands about how to cook, how to dress, what to eat, what to say, and how to make love.

While the intention of the compulsive partner is usually to be helpful, it often feels anything but helpful for the other person. The compulsive partner is often unaware of the effect that this has on their partner.

Too Much Time At Work May Lead To Neglect

Some compulsives end up spending inordinate amounts of time at work and abandoning their partner. It is understandable that the non-compulsive partner would interpret this to mean that the compulsive partner doesn’t care about them or doesn’t enjoy being with them. However, there could be many other reasons for this, like an actual addiction to work, complete with the feedback loop of pleasure centers in the brain being activated.

Another possible reason is that the compulsive partner has a fear of failure not only at work, but more importantly, in the relationship. Since relationships don’t come naturally, their perfection may lead them to focus on work because they have more control, and more self-assurance that they can succeed there.

Control Discourages Vulnerability

Both partners may stop being vulnerable in the relationship, often leading to a dry, lifeless, and unfulfilling partnership. The compulsive partner may be reluctant to show any vulnerability from the beginning, as they seem to imagine that people want them to be “perfect.” But this presentation, along with frequent commands and demands, may end up leaving the non-compulsive partner afraid to express their real feelings and needs for fear of being criticized or humiliated.

Any insecurities on the part of the non-compulsive partner may be activated by this need to feel perfect, leading them to feel even more dependent on someone who is not affectionate or supportive. If they do not have a support network, the effect is even worse. Alternatively, the non-OCPD partner may also begin to distance themselves from their partner for fear of being emotionally dependent on someone that is critical or unavailable.

Unhealthy Division of Labor Limits Both Partners

When one partner has OCPD, both partners may fall into an unhealthy division of labor, in terms of chores and emotions. If the compulsive partner takes responsibility for all the organizing, cleaning, planning and accounting, they may become even more machine-like, counting pennies, minutes, and rule infractions. They typically feel a great deal of responsibility, and are usually very frightened of getting something wrong or making a mistake.

Some compulsives, in their efforts to do the right thing, may be very compliant, but later resent that compliance, possibly becoming passive-aggressive or exploding in anger. And perhaps worse, they may not develop the capacity for leisure, humor, play and other less serious activities if they feel they can’t afford to loosen up because of the responsibility they carry.

On the other hand, if the non-compulsive partner is put into the position of the one who has to carry all of the emotions and affection, and none of the accomplishments in the relationship, they may fail to develop their own gifts and personality. If the non-compulsive partner begins to believe that they are incompetent, they may be less likely to take the risks that are essential to a full life.

Marriage & Couples Online Counseling Options

While having both members of a couple participate in counseling is ideal, often one person does want to participate. The services below help both individuals and couples with relationship issues.

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Why Understanding OCPD Is Important for Partners

Loving someone with OCPD can be difficult, but misunderstanding a partner with OCPD can make a challenging situation worse. Their behavior results from a combination of misguided good intentions and anxiety about being good enough as a person. While people with OCPD may appear to be confident and in control, they are usually deeply insecure underneath. This is what leads to their need to be perfect.

While an OCPD spouse’s behavior may appear to be driven by self-interest, disrespect or indifference, their motivations are actually much different.

If the non-compulsive partner interprets their partner’s actions as being demeaning, they may miss not only their positive motivations, but also their partner’s underlying anxiety. The non-compulsive partner will feel unloved and hurt, which may further frustrate the OCPD partner who is desperate to do the right thing, and begins to feel unappreciated.

Improving Your Relationship With Your OCPD Partner

Perspective, communication, and self-care are three of the most important tools in improving your OCPD relationship issues. Any one of the three alone will probably not be sufficient, but the three together may be able to shift the balance toward a more healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Perspective

How you view your compulsive partner can affect your experience of them and how they respond to you. If all you see is their control and rigidity, you may be missing two important issues underneath: their efforts to be helpful, and their underlying anxiety about getting in trouble that leads to their efforts to make everything perfect. Recognizing what they do bring to the relationship may improve your mood and have a positive effect on your partner.

This is not to say that any abuse perpetrated by the compulsive partner should be tolerated. It should be named and, if necessary, protective measures should be taken. While people with OCPD usually do not become violent, they may explode on occasion.

Communication

Compulsives are usually so focused on finishing projects that they overlook what their partners actually need from them. They may assume they know, and they may assume that their partner would appreciate the same things that they do, like getting tasks done, rather than gestures of physical and verbal affection.

Compulsive partners are usually not skilled at expressing their love, and some are not good at picking up social cues, so they need their spouses to communicate with them exactly what is expected of them.¹¹

As with any couple, using “I” statements to communicate needs is essential. Arguments can go on forever if both partners try to prove what is objectively right, rather than how they feel and what they need. This is especially true when fighting with an OCPD spouse. Tell your compulsive partner what they do well. This not only encourages them to do these things more often, it may also lower their anxiety and enable them to be a little more vulnerable and to communicate more of what they feel.

Because compulsive partners feel such a need to be right and good, they can be defensive if they feel accused of not being virtuous. They may interpret requests or suggestions as global statements about who they are, rather than something specific that they have done. This can lead to shame, defensiveness, and counter-attack. Be very clear that your suggestions are about what they have done, not who they are.

Self-Care

One danger in trying to work out in an OCPD marriage is that you lose your own self in the process. Strong, independent partners make good relationships.

Some ideas for developing a self-care routine include:

Setting reasonable boundaries: No matter how good the intentions of the OCPD partner may be, hurtful behavior should not be tolerated. The non-OCPD partner should not be expected to meet the perfectionist expectations of their partner. It is important to set boundaries and limits on what your partner can tell you to do.
Exploring self-development: If you pursue your own interests and ambitions, the compulsive partner may feel less responsibility to direct you. If, on the other hand, it makes the compulsive partner more anxious for you to grow and develop, you’re in a situation which would benefit from couples therapy.
Building an OCPD spouse support system: Living with someone with OCPD may make you doubt your own instincts about what is appropriate and what is not. Having close friends and family to give you reality checks can be vital.

Getting Help for Your OCPD Partner

Because they are usually convinced of the virtue of their approach to life, people with OCPD are often reluctant to enter psychotherapy, and usually don’t pursue it on their own. But if they become aware of how they hurt their partner they may become willing to seek treatment for OCPD.

It may also be helpful to point out how they hurt themselves and deny their own well-being. Research has shown that individuals with OCPD are quite vulnerable to depression,¹² which may not be evident if they mask it with work and other projects. Still, it should be clear to both partners that attending therapy is not a matter of weakness, but rather of their being too strong or too driven for anyone’s good.

While some compulsives will dismiss the possibility of their having OCPD, others seem to have an “AHA” moment and become willing to work on themselves in therapy when told that they have a psychological condition. If their determination and conscientiousness can be harnessed for their psychological development and balance, psychotherapy can be quite helpful.

Individual Therapy

There is evidence that both cognitive behavioral (CBT) and psychodynamic therapy approaches can be effective. The primary question is what type of therapy will be a good fit for the individual. Some prefer the structure and focus of CBT (or radically open DBT, which is an offshoot of CBT), while others may appreciate the greater freedom of psychodynamic approaches.

Individual therapy may also be helpful for the partner of someone with OCPD, so that they have a safe place to process and develop their own healthy coping mechanisms in the relationship.

Couples Counseling

Some individuals with OCPD feel more comfortable going to couples counseling than to individual therapy. Both modes have their benefits, and couples counseling can be incredibly effective. But if you, as the non-compulsive partner, do go to therapy with them, don’t expect it to be all about fixing what is wrong with your partner. Your own tendencies may trigger your partner in some way, and the therapist will probably ask you to make changes as well.

Regardless of what type of therapy you seek, don’t expect quick fixes. Personality disorders are known to be difficult to treat, and they take time for real change to occur. There may be some initial improvement in behavior after a few months, but deeper change, such as a better connection with their emotions, and an improved capacity to express them, may take years.

Cost of Therapy

It’s best to plan for an extended time in therapy at a sustainable price rather than having to discontinue abruptly for financial reasons. Fees for clinicians in private practice can range from $60 per 45-50 minute session if given a reduced fee using a sliding scale, to $250+ for a full fee in more urban areas. If your insurance does not cover therapy and you are unable to pay out-of-pocket, you may consider attending a clinic or finding an online couples counseling service. The cost of couples counseling is not typically covered by insurance, so expect to pay out of pocket if you choose that route.

How to Find a Therapist

Finding a therapist that specializes in OCPD for individual therapy or couples counseling can sometimes be difficult. If you would like help finding the right therapist, you can start the search on your own with an online therapist directory.

Additional Resources

Education is just the first step on our path to improved mental health and emotional wellness. To help our readers take the next step in their journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy may be compensated for referrals by the companies mentioned below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $60 per week. Complete a brief questionnaire and get matched with the right therapist for you. Get Started

Online-Therapy.com – Receive help from a mental health professional. The Online-Therapy.com standard plan includes a weekly 45 minute video session, unlimited text messaging between sessions, and self-guided activities like journaling. Recently, they added Yoga videos. Get Started

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Choosing Therapy’s Directory – Find an experienced therapist who has your welling in mind. You can search for a therapist by specialty, availability, insurance, and affordability. Therapist profiles and introductory videos provide insight into the therapist’s personality so you find the right fit. Find a therapist today.

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For Further Reading

While there is currently limited research, support, and understanding of the condition,¹³ the costs of OCPD are becoming increasingly identified, and many more individuals are coming to recognize the conditions in themselves and their partners.

See the following sources for more information on OCPD:

The Healthy Compulsive Project Blog
OCPD Online
Tap-A-Talk OCPD Support Group
Facebook OCPD Support Group

13 sources

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy.

Cain, N. M., Ansell, E. B., Simpson, H. B., & Pinto, A. (2015). Interpersonal functioning in obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Journal of Personality Assessment, 97(1), 90-99. doi:10.1080/00223891.2014.934376
Samuel, D. B., and T.A. Widiger. (2011). Conscientiousness and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 2(3), 161-174. doi:10.1037/a0021216
Chamberlain, S. R., Jon E. Grant. . (2020). Positive Aspects of OCPD. In A. P. Grant JE, Samuel R. Chamberlain (Ed.), Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (pp. 233-244). Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association Publishing.
Rowland, T. A., Jainer, A. K., & Panchal, R. (2017). Living with obsessional personality. BJPsych bulletin, 41(6), 366–367. doi:10.1192/pb.41.6.366a
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.
Trosclair, G. (2020). The Healthy Compulsive: Healing Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and Taking the Wheel of the Driven Personality. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Understanding the Four Types of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality. Healthy Compulsive Project Blog. Retrieved from https://thehealthycompulsive.com/understanding-the-four-types-of-obsessive-compulsive-personality-to-achieve-balance/
OCPD Fact Sheet. Iocdf.org. Retrieved from https://iocdf.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/OCPD-Fact-Sheet.pdf
Disney, K. L., Weinstein, Y., & Oltmanns, T. F. (2012). Personality disorder symptoms are differentially related to divorce frequency. J Fam Psychol, 26(6), 959-965. doi:10.1037/a0030446
Trosclair, G. The Healthy Compulsive Project Blog, August 14, 2021. Retrieved from: https://thehealthycompulsive.com/can-people-with-ocpd-change/
Lynch, Thomas R., Roelie J. Hempel, Christine Dunkley (2015). Radically Open-Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Disorders of Over-Control: Signaling Matters. The American Journal of Psychotherapy. Published Online:30 Apr 2018.
Burkauskas, J. F., Naomi. (2020). History and Epidemiology of OCPD. In J. E. Grant, Anthony Pinto, Samuel Chamberlain (Ed. ), Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (pp. 1-16). Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association Publishing.
Koutoufa, I., & Furnham, A. (2014). Mental health literacy and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. Psychiatry Res., Jan 30 215(1)(1872-7123 (Electronic)), 223-228.

update history

We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about our editorial policies here.

Originally Published: August 13, 2020
Original Author: Gary Trosclair, DMA, LCSW
Original Reviewer: Benjamin Troy, MD
Updated: October 22, 2021
Author: No Change
Reviewer: No Change
Primary Changes: Updated for Readability; Added the sections, “OCPD & Co-Occurring Disorders,” “Marriage & OCPD,” “OCPD & Divorce,” and “Couples Counseling. ” Additional sections reviewed by Dena Westphalen, PharmD.

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Does Your Partner Have OCPD?

Your partner is meticulous, careful, conscientious, and driven. On the outside, they are the best partner, employee, father, or mother. But behind closed doors, you are suffering from their rigidity, demanding nature, perfectionism, and the need to be so exact and meticulous about every inconsequential matter.

If your partner is obsessively preoccupied with perfection and order, is highly critical, or if you feel pressured by your partner's high standards and obsession with perfection, you may be with someone who is struggling with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).

What Is OCPD?

The American Psychiatric Association (APA, 2000) defines OCPD as "pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. " Underneath OCPD is usually a fear of experiencing painful feelings and the helplessness of not being able to control anything. However much they suffer, however, someone with OCPD may not see the need to change.

According to the International OCD Foundation (OCDF), men are twice as likely to have OCPD than women. About 1 in 100 people in the United States is estimated to have OCPD. It is estimated that 3 to 8 percent of the general population may suffer from OCPD. It is the most common personality disorder.

OCPD Is Not OCD

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder. It is characterized by compulsive actions and a series of unwanted thoughts that feed their obsession. People with OCD are usually fully aware of the irrationality and oddness of their actions but cannot help themselves. The day-to-day anxiety is overwhelming to them and forces them to come up with ways to cope.

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, on the other hand, is a personality disorder. It pervasively affects every aspect of their lives—not just work but also family life and friendships, and the pattern usually starts from a relatively young age. It is problematic, persistent, and pervasive.

OCPD and OCD are not the same, even they sometimes overlap. Symptoms that overlap may include paranoia, excessive caution, inability to compromise on set rules or routines, perfectionism and the inability to trust others.

In general, a person with OCD is usually much more aware of their dysfunctional patterns. They are aware of the irrationality embedded in their obsessive fear of germs, for example, but are not able to stop due to consuming anxiety. They may feel guilty about how those around them are affected. The person with OCPD, in contrast, may have little or no insight into the obsessive nature of their behaviours and their interpersonal consequences. In fact, they may have "secondary gains" (e.g. work performance, academic achievements, recognition from employers) from their perfectionism and thus see nothing wrong with their standards. Thus, even they too suffer deeply, and it usually takes people with OCPDs a much longer time to seek help.

Do You Recognize These Signs?

If your partner has OCPD, you may consistently find them challenging to live with and impossible to please. Their high standards and fixation on perfection take away playfulness and spontaneity in a romantic relationship. Here are some of the behaviors of a person with an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

They are constantly making lists and doing things.
Everything needs to be planned, which gives little possibility for spontaneous fun and joy.
They spend an excessive amount of time trying to perfect every detail and lose sight of the need for leisure and relaxation.
They suffer from workaholism, even sacrificing their own healths and their relationships.
They are frugal about money or spending on necessary items.
They have strict moral codes, and sometimes they judge you based on them.
They have difficulties delegating, as they believe no one will be able to meet their standards.
They rarely express their love, which makes you feel alone and emotionally deprived as a partner.
They hardly compromise their stance of right or wrong.
They have a hard time making friends or sustaining relationships because of their need to always be in control.
They get extremely frustrated and angry when things do not go as expected.
They are highly critical and judgemental of anyone and anything that doesn’t meet their standards.
They are unable to be efficient because of their excessive focus on perfecting the process.
They may suffer from bouts of depressive episodes and become disengaged in a relationship.

Understanding Your Loved One with OCPD

For someone with OCPD, rules, details, doing things, and keeping order help them feel safe. Their difficulties in relinquishing control may have stemmed from early trauma, in which they felt complete existential helplessness that has scarred them for life. It is not that they want to be this way, but they feel trapped in their predicament.

OCPD is caused by both nature and nurture. Indeed, genetic factors and natural temperament play a significant role. Research has found that if an individual's close relative or family member has OCPD, there is a heightened risk of developing the same disorder.

At the same time, where there is childhood abuse, neglects, and emotional deprivation, a person’s risk of developing OCPD increases. The excessive need for control can result from being over-controlled or overprotected by anxious parents, or it can be a response to childhood neglect and parentification (role-reversal with the parents, needing to bring oneself up). All children want to please their parents by doing everything they can; when they see that being over-controlled satisfies the parent, rigidity in thinking and functioning sets in, and may persist as they mature into adults. Furthermore, a highly regulated family environment may inadvertently contribute to the development of OCPD. If emotional expressions and playfulness are not modeled for a child, they will have a hard time learning to be vulnerable and expressive.

Their OCPD tendencies constitute a coping mechanism. Deep inside, they are fearful of helplessness and vulnerabilities that had once traumatized them, and they vow to never let themselves be in that position again.

Overcoming the Challenges

Being in a relationship with someone with OCPD may lead you to have eroded self-esteem, feeling mentally exhausted and frustrated. Every day, you have to deal with your partner's nit-picking, rigidity, and the standards they impose on you. Sadly, they are unaware of their behaviors and how they affect those around them.

Understanding the pain underneath their symptoms may help you have more empathy for their struggles, but that does not mean you allow yourself to be abused or chronically mistreated. It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you need to meet your partner’s impossible standards. In the process of doing so, you may lose self-confidence and become increasingly doubtful of yourself.

Without communication, they may not have the capacity to see how their behaviors affect you and have little insight or motivation to change. Therefore, if appropriate, you may learn ways to communicate your needs and feelings in a no-confrontational, no-critical manner. Know that you deserve space in the relationship and to have your needs heard. Failing that, couples' or family therapy may be a valuable avenue to explore.

Both you and your partner deserve love, understanding, and having your emotional needs met. With insight and help, having a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone with OCPD is possible.

Husband and wife work together

Natalya Kaptsova

Psychologist

Date of writing: November 27, 2020

Reading time: 7 minutes are together, first at work, then at home. How does this affect relationships? Is it possible to work together with a spouse without harming the family?

Photo by Pexels

Contents of the article:

Benefits of working with your husband
Husband and wife work together - problems
How to work together with your husband without complications

Working together with a husband - benefits

For someone, working together with a loved one is a dream. No worries about where he stays, you can admire him all day from your table, lunch breaks together, home together. The other shudders in horror - “With your husband? Work? Never!". Are there really positive things about working with your spouse?

Mutual assistance. Having problems at work? Argued with the boss? Can't finish your order? Confused by the report? So here he is, the savior - near. Always help and support.
Self-confidence. When there is a person behind your back, not theoretically (somewhere there, at home), but in fact - this allows you to feel more confident.
Husband and wife are perceived at work as a whole. Therefore, it is unlikely that anyone will dare to seriously "encroach" on their beloved half - that is, intrigues are practically excluded. As, in fact, on the female side: flirting with colleagues, being under the gaze of a spouse, will not work.
Mutual understanding. When working together, the wife is always up to date. And the husband does not have to squeeze out of himself - "We have an emergency, the boss is evil, there is no mood," because the wife already knows about it.
Saving the family budget on transportation costs.
More serious attitude to work. For bosses, a married couple "with experience" at work is a huge plus.
You can come to corporate parties with your spouse , to relax calmly, dance and drink champagne - the husband will insure if there is too much drinking, he will make sure that he does not blurt out too much, and will take him home safe and sound.
It is normal for couples who work together to stay late after work . No one will painfully wait for anyone at home, warming up dinner for the n-th time - the spouses can return from work at least after midnight, and they will have no reason for suspicion.

What problems can arise when a husband and wife work together?

Photo by Pexels

Unfortunately, there are many more disadvantages in working together with a spouse. Although much depends on the form of work. For example, joint business has more advantages, but joint activities in one company "for an uncle" - more disadvantages. There is no need to talk about the form "husband (wife) \u003d boss".

So, the disadvantages of working together with your husband:

The higher the authority of the spouse, the higher (on a subconscious level) attraction to him. Each other's successes and failures at work are clearly visible to both, and any crisis or just an unsuccessful period lowers the husband's authority in the eyes of his wife. As a result - decrease in sexual desire for him .
If both spouses work for the company, rivalry on the career ladder is also possible . They are unlikely to push each other off the “steps” and shove with their elbows, but the feeling of annoyance, dissatisfaction and resentment will be provided.
It is almost impossible to hide your emotions at work. If the spouses are in a quarrel, it will be visible to everyone. But this is not the main problem. After a domestic quarrel, spouses working separately usually calm down for a working day if the quarrel was trifling. When working together, quarreling spouses are forced to be together. As a result, irritation grows, performance decreases, showdowns begin - a quarrel develops into a serious conflict.
We usually try not to talk about personal relationships at work. But in this case, both the spouse himself and your relationship are in full view . Which often becomes an occasion for gossip and caustic jokes.
Considering that the team perceives the spouses as one whole, there is a risk that the husband's mistakes will be transferred to the wife (and vice versa).
If the team is dominated by women, will not do without jealousy . It's one thing when a husband leaves for work and his wife doesn't see with whom and how he communicates, and it's quite another thing when the wife is forced to watch how his wife is "confused" by unmarried colleagues.
Always being together is a serious test even for the strongest couples. Working “separately” is an opportunity to take a break from each other and have time to get bored. When working together, the idea often arises to change jobs or temporarily live separately.
Newlyweds who work together have the hardest time of all. It's quite hard to resist when your loved one is so close, and the candy-bouquet period with its passions is in full swing. And the bosses and colleagues are unlikely to like it.
If the wife's job is to communicate closely with clients , with whom one must be the charm itself, the husband will not withstand such stress for a long time. She didn’t smile at Tom, she shook hands with him for too long - not far from a quarrel.
Husband-boss or wife-boss - the most difficult option . Indeed, from his second half, the manager should ask, as well as from the rest of the employees. Of course, a public “flogging” for an untimely delivery of an order will doubly humiliate your beloved half. Yes, and concessions from the spouse-boss will not do any good - colleagues will begin to grind their teeth and will perceive you as the “eyes and ears” of the leader.
No less difficult will be the joint work of that couples who have separated or are on the way to divorce . Not to fall into the dirt in front of colleagues who are almost watching your relationship with popcorn in their hands is a talent. As a rule, someone has to refuse work.
All communication after work, one way or another, comes down to problems at work . Few couples manage to leave working moments outside the threshold of their apartment.
In a situation where one spouse is the boss of the other, there is a problem in promotion . If there is no promotion even on merit, this will lead to serious grievances that will come back to haunt family life. If the promotion occurs, then colleagues will perceive it biased - that is, as a result of close relationships.

Psychologists' advice - how to work together with your husband without complications for work and family

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Together until the end of your days ... both at home and at work. And, it seems, a common cause should bring together, but often quite the opposite happens. Appears fatigue from each other, irritation accumulates . And in the evenings, he spends less and less time next to you, running away to the garage to fix the car.

How to save relationships while working with your spouse?

Try to return home separately if possible. For example, you can visit a friend after work or go shopping. At least a couple of hours a day should rest from each other.
Avoid talking about work outside its walls - there should be no discussion of work issues either at home or on the way home. Of course, there is nothing fatal about discussing work over dinner. But one day it may turn out that, apart from work, you have no common topics for conversation.
Be sure to go somewhere to relax and get away from work on the weekends , plan your purchases and trips for the future, please your children with family outings.
Be clear about your roles at home and at work. It is in your apartment that he is a beloved man who will kiss you passing by, make coffee, regret and hug you. At work, he is your colleague (or boss). By trying to remind him that you are also a wife, you run the risk of ruining your relationship with your husband and putting him in an unsightly light in front of your colleagues. Try to restrain your emotions, even if you feel like slamming the door.
You should not wait for him at the door if he said that the meeting will be until the evening. Pack up and leave alone. And then asking colleagues - what time he left the meeting, and who else remained at work - is also not necessary. If you are unable to control your jealousy, look for another job. So that later you do not have to change your husband.
Do not fence yourself off from the team , trying to stick only to your husband. Be equal with everyone, at work you are all colleagues.
Husband was promoted, but you weren't? Rejoice in his success .
Don't interfere if your other half is called to the mat and reprimanded for a job well done. After a reprimand, you can approach and support, but it is absurd to conflict with your general leader as “his wife”. In the end, both of you will be fired.

And remember that working together can only cause the collapse of a family boat if the boat is already bursting at the seams.

Spouses in the same job - a sentence to marriage?

There is a proverb: husband and wife are one Satan. I don't think it's very successful. Because husband and wife are two Satans. Having quarreled in the morning over whose turn it is to take out the bucket, the couple usually scatter - each to their own office - and blow off steam during the day. In the evening they are ready to love each other again. But what to do when the place of work for two is one? Psychologists know a few tips.

If your spouse is your colleague, the main thing is not to let work squabbles split your strong family

Of course, couples are different. And what is contraindicated for many, other relationships only strengthens. My uncle and aunt, for example, prefer never to part. When he changes jobs - for career reasons or other reasons - she leaves after him. At the same time, it does not matter to her what position - administrator, accountant or office manager. She needs to be around.

And one of my student friends, on the contrary, had a clear principle: don't play cupids at the institute. "We will part, and we will still see each other at lectures every day. How can we communicate?" he said. He adheres to the same principle at work: no, no. In his opinion, office romance, marriage, and divorce - all stages of human relations - have an extremely negative impact on the work process.

It brings someone together, separates someone, everything depends on two people

This is where the psychologists started their conversation with Office Life. "Everything depends on the spouses, on their character," says psychologist Galina Chaplinskaya. “Joint work even brings some couples together,” says psychologist Lyudmila Serbina. “When work is interesting and exciting, life at home quite naturally continues at work.”

However, real life examples often tell the opposite. “We had a period when my husband was my boss,” says Yulia. “It was very hard for me: at work, I could not talk with female colleagues on the eternal topic We didn't get divorced, but I changed my job." In such a situation, Chaplinskaya advises making friends in another department (if possible), or even outside the office. “The main thing is that you have someone to pour out your soul, let off steam,” she says.

The position of the spouses "leader-subordinate" in any case leads to conflict, Lyudmila Serbina believes. "The conflict will be unequivocal, unless one of the spouses takes the position:" You are the boss, I am a fool, "she says. Avoiding quarrels and swearing is possible only if the husband and wife can abstract from their domestic roles at work and vice versa. Relationships in the family should be such that when people come to work, they forget that they are loving spouses, and when they return home, that one is the boss of the other. In practice, this is very difficult to implement.0003

Galina Chaplinskaya thinks differently. "Spouses can coexist peacefully and effectively at work if the man is the boss and the woman is the subordinate," she says. "If it's the other way around, it's very hard." In Russian society, boys are still brought up as kings of beasts. Earning less than a wife is still considered indecent, and even being subordinate to her is even more so! But a woman adapts much easier to a situation in which her husband is also the boss. In many ways, women themselves contribute to this, Chaplinskaya adds: “we often hear contemptuous phrases towards men: “And in our family the man is me!” or “my husband sits on my neck.”

If they are already in the same office, then at least away from each other

But, according to Serbina, the best thing is when spouses occupy equal positions or work in different departments, overlapping a little at work. Sometimes one office for two even helps to make sure that the chosen one is really your half.

“Once upon a time, my husband and I worked together in the same publishing house, though in different publications,” Ira recalls. “I was an ordinary photo editor, and he was an art director. The editor-in-chief of my publication did not like me and once insulted me in front of the whole team, and then made a scandal to the CEO with an attack “either me or her!” My husband and all the designers came to my defense: he said that if I leave, then they leave with the whole team (to be honest, I don’t I didn't ask him to do anything like that. In the end, everyone stayed where they were. And they lived happily ever after...until the magazine closed."

Galina Chaplinskaya believes that spouses working together should try to avoid competition. "Competition among themselves is very difficult for married couples," she says. It's better to unite. For example, against a bad boss. "If a husband and wife work in the same department and it's a difficult environment, they can start 'friends' against the boss and form an alliance of boss-haters around them," says Serbina.

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