How to use reverse psychology on a narcissist

The Gullibility of the Narcissist: What You Need to Know

Source: Michelangelo Caravaggio/Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain

It’s supremely ironic. Narcissists are notorious for ruthlessly manipulating others to gain a strategic advantage over them. Yet they’re exceptionally vulnerable to being duped themselves because of their powerful psychological defenses, which—if recognized—can be vigorously used against them.

To adopt a common expression: “The bigger they [think they] are, the harder they fall.”

The DSM-5, the standard manual for diagnosing mental and emotional disorders, lists nine criteria for determining whether an individual is afflicted with this serious disorder. And this post will demonstrate how virtually all of these criteria indirectly suggest pathological narcissists’ curious susceptibility to others’ outmaneuvering them. For as rigidly constricted as the narcissist’s character structure is, their fabricated, super-sized “false self” still requires the assistance of others to remain securely (though artificially) inflated.

And as shrewd and scheming as they can be, they’re not without enormous blind spots. Paradoxically, their very defenses can make them defenseless in the face of anyone's desiring to use their self-protective armor against them. And in ways that, constitutionally, they may not be able to detect—until it’s too late.

Let’s start by exploring DSM’s introductory bird’s-eye view of pathological narcissism. For everything below will derive from this pithy description:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

What, reading between the lines, this characterization reveals is that, if it’s to feel stable and secure, the narcissist’s self-aggrandizing sense of superiority depends on others’ constant confirmation. And this need to have their alleged five-star glory outwardly validated is precisely what makes them dependent on others, rendering them vulnerable to those who, calculatingly, would corroborate their “specialness”—but only to achieve their own ends. Moreover, many times these ends amount to nothing more than avenging themselves against the narcissist who, in the past, callously exploited them, and by doing so left them with powerful feelings of anger and resentment.

Having been taken advantage of and inhumanely objectified, these victims felt not only exploited but demeaned, insulted, even humiliated—and all because of the narcissist’s egregious lack of empathy. So, in the simplest of terms, the DSM’s terse overview of the most distinctive narcissistic qualities suggests the interpersonal dynamic that accounts for how the narcissist’s manipulations can lead to their victims’ retaliatory counter-manipulations.

It’s important to explain this phenomenon on the basis of what psychoanalytic theory labels “narcissistic supply”—that which all malignant narcissists must rely on to fill the gnawing vacuum residing deep inside themselves. Emotionally disconnected from others, narcissists cannot value anyone independently of how they might address the demands of their ego, which are insatiable. So they’re destined to pursue others, but only to the degree that they can “supply” the narcissist with the attention, affirmation, admiration, praise, and respect they crave. For only then can the narcissist keep safely buried whatever ancient doubts they still harbor about their fundamental worth.

Most pathological narcissists are secretly plagued by self-esteem deficits originating in childhood and masked—or defended against—by rather primitive illusions of grandeur and an overblown sense of superiority and entitlement. And this need for others to admire them, to shore up the weak foundation of their carefully concocted persona, is what ultimately makes them so vulnerable to others’ words and behavior. If they’re so sensitive and angrily reactive to anything resembling criticism, it’s because of their deep-rooted insecurities. (See my post: The Narcissist’s Dilemma...)

This peculiar (and not generally recognized) dependency on others is a constant for them, and it can never be fully satisfied. Similar to mythic vampires, their emotional neediness requires a regular supply of fresh blood to sustain them. And just as these “undead” predators must depend on their victims for sustenance, so, too, do narcissists cultivate others to bolster their precarious self-image.

Consider, for example, how often narcissists boast about their unparalleled accomplishments, and how their efforts alone engendered them when typically they benefited from all sorts of outside help. But narcissists loathe sharing credit for anything or admitting dependency on others. Still, their outward reliance is all too real, and it can set them up for eventual defeat—particularly from irate individuals who've felt mercilessly exploited.

To put this a little differently, if the narcissist has a single, overarching goal in life it’s to achieve the loftiest possible self-image, one that’s unassailable. So they’re compelled to engage, or “enlist,” others for the sole purpose of assisting them in achieving this grandiose objective.

Let’s return now to the DSM criteria for narcissism to further expand on the points already made about how narcissists’ unavoidable dependence on their “narcissistic suppliers” render them especially gullible to those who can’t help but resent the inferior role to which they’ve been relegated.

The first benchmark in the DSM revolves around pathological narcissists’ “grandiose sense of self-importance.” It emphasizes how these disturbed individuals “exaggerate [read, ‘are dishonest about’] their achievements and talents.” In short, they pretend to know a lot more about things than they actually do. As one writer puts it:

Narcissists are often gullible, naive, and stunningly ignorant of anything outside their narrow circle of interests. (They’re often stunningly ignorant of things inside their circle of interests since clearly they have already mastered the topic and don’t need to study more or keep up on new developments.) . . . They take chances because it doesn’t occur to them that they could lose, make huge demands because it doesn’t occur to them they don’t have a right to ask for certain things, tell lies because it doesn’t occur to them that other people could see through them.

This characterization suggests how the narcissist's brash self-confidence; optimism, grounded in their illusionary grandiosity; unwarranted presumption of entitlement; and mendacity all relate to their impaired ability to accurately detect the reactions of others, thus making them all the more susceptible to rejection, failure—and exploitation. As desperate as they are to be seen in a particular way, they can be remarkably obtuse in how they see others, frequently projecting onto them qualities they can't let themselves recognize in themselves. And this striking short-sightedness can lead to blow-backs they'd never anticipate.

Complementing the 1st DSM criterion for narcissism, the 2nd further extends their grandiose thinking as it contributes to their gullibility: The narcissist "is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.”

Such grandiloquent imaginings set the narcissist up for ultimate betrayal by a reality far harsher than their self-aggrandizing fantasies. Author, professor, and self-confessed narcissist, Sam Vaknin, Ph.D., has written a seminal book on narcissism. Entitled Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, this work is distinguished for its many “insider” insights. Perhaps exaggerated in some of its contentions, it nonetheless depicts this personality disorder in ways that most readers, experientially, can easily relate to.

Here’s what Vaknin has to say about narcissists' custom-made (yet self-blinding) fantasies, which make them susceptible to being out-maneuvered, out-strategized—or flagrantly ripped off:

[Narcissists] live in a fantasy land all their own in which they are the center of the universe, admired, feared, held in awe, and respected for their omnipotence and omniscience. . . . Narcissists are prone to magical thinking. They hold themselves immune to the consequences of their actions (or inaction) and, therefore, beyond punishment and the laws of Man. Narcissists are easily persuaded to assume unreasonable risks and expect miracles to happen. They often find themselves on the receiving end of investment scams, for instance. . . . The narcissist believes that he is destined to greatness—or at least the easy life. He wakes up every morning fully ready for a fortuitous stroke of luck. That explains the narcissist's reckless behaviors and his lazed lack of self-discipline. It also explains why he is so easily duped.

Note how these astute observations tie in with the DSM’s 5th criterion: Namely, narcissists have "a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.”

As Vaknin notes:

Narcissists feel entitled to money, power, and honors incommensurate with their accomplishments or toil. [They think] the world owe[s] them a trouble-free, exalted, and luxurious existence. [So] they are rudely shocked when they are penalized for their misconduct or when their fantasies remain just that.

In short, the narcissist's all-encompassing sense of entitlement is rarely backed by the rest of the world. Hence, their pompously distorted self-perception is at any time subject to being shattered. As strenuously as they endeavor to convince themselves, they’re not above the law, or the court of public opinion. Consider this famous quote from Abraham Lincoln:

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

The DSM’s 3rd criterion: The narcissist "believes that he or she is ‘special’ and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.” We can grasp that narcissists try so hard to ingratiate themselves with highly ranked individuals to keep their falsely elevated self-evaluation “anchored” in reality. Still, just below the surface, what’s revealed here is (as I suggested in a 2013 PT post) “a degree of insecurity vastly beyond anything they might be willing to avow”.

And these self-esteem deficits link to the DSM’s 4th criterion: The narcissist’s “requir[ing] excessive admiration. ” Obviously, the loftier the station of the person admiring them, the more meaningful to them such adulation will be. If narcissists so often fish for compliments—ideally, from those of high status, or who seem to reflect the success, power, brilliance, or beauty they themselves crave—they make themselves that much more vulnerable to those who would gladly offer them such adulation, but only to serve their own purposes.

These envied others, frequently exhibiting narcissistic traits themselves, “play into” the narcissist’s overblown pride so that, pivotally, they can employ the narcissist’s defenses against them. Furthermore, the narcissist’s egocentricity, or conceit, can render them blind to others’ motives of self-interest. And in their tunnel vision, they may not be able to detect that their perceived friends are actually using them.

It cannot be over-emphasized that, incapable of filling their inner void themselves, narcissists must continually locate outside “suppliers” to compensate for their chronic emptiness. And because authentic self-validation is so far beyond their capacity, they’re constantly at risk of being taken advantage of (and especially, by fellow narcissists, who would use them as narcissistic supplies).

Perhaps more than anything else, it’s the narcissist’s extraordinary dearth of compassion that impels others—whether self-protectively or in retaliation—to capitalize on their gullibility. As portrayed in DSM’s 7th criterion, the narcissist “lacks empathy: is [unable or] unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” And this criterion closely joins two others already foreshadowed—the narcissist’s interpersonal exploitativeness and their arrogant or haughty attitude.

In short, narcissists often inspire their victims with vindictiveness. Over time those they’ve harmed have learned that the best way to avenge themselves against the cruelty of these master manipulators is either to exploit to the max their everlasting need to be commended, sucked up to, or acclaimed; or goad them into getting so out-of-control angry that they’re driven to say or do something ruinous to their welfare. As regards the latter, when narcissists are “taken over” by their single, most self-sabotaging emotion—that is, their predominate rage—their judgment is seriously impaired, rendering them totally incapable of considering the consequences of unleashing their fury.

It’s precisely because they’re so abusive themselves that, as Vaknin succinctly puts it: “Narcissists attract abuse.” And elaborating on this rudimentary point, he adds:

Haughty, exploitative, demanding, insensitive, and quarrelsome—they tend to draw opprobrium and provoke anger and even hatred. Sorely lacking in interpersonal skills, devoid of empathy, and steeped in irksome grandiose fantasies—they invariably fail to mitigate the irritation and revolt that they induce in others.

Perhaps the ultimate irony is that narcissists, as cold-blooded as they are in objectifying others, are governed by one (already mentioned) overriding emotion—which constitutes the cornerstone of their various defenses. And that is their almost reflexive anger, which finally makes them vulnerable less to others than to themselves. Highly reactive to the slightest negative assessment—whether real or imagined—they can easily lose control of their rational faculties.

And that’s what, potentially, can make it so easy for others to gain control over them. As the unnamed writer already cited describes this susceptibility: “Get a narcissist frothing at the mouth, and [they’ll] tell you exactly what [they’re] doing, why, when, how, and to whom. It’s better than getting a Batman villain to monologue” (from “What to Remember When Dealing With a Narcissist”).

Sooner or later, the trickster may well become the tricked. And those ruthlessly abused by the narcissist can finally get the justice—or revenge—denied to them earlier.

NOTE: I’ve written many posts on narcissism. Here are just two (with links) that closely complement the present one: “The Catch-22 of Dealing With a Narcissist” and “The Vampire’s Bite: Victims of Narcissists Speak Out.”

9 Ways to Use Reverse Psychology in Your Relationship

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In today's day and age where everything can be Googled, it seems many people have forgotten the power of words. In particular, not everyone knows how to use words to control situations and get what they want.

Some may think that being straightforward is the only way or that it's just not worth it if you can't be clear with your intentions. Others believe this approach may bring about unnecessary conflict.

However, there are many possible outcomes of using words carefully, including creating more desirable situations by getting people to do what you want. This tactic is called reverse psychology.

What You Will Learn

What is Reverse Psychology?
How can I use Reverse Psychology?
- Work relationships and Reverse Psychology
- How can I avoid being tricked by this technique?
- What if I'm wrong?
What Are the Pros and Cons of Reverse Psychology?
- Pros of Using Reverse Psychology
- Cons of Using Reverse Psychology
Why Use Reverse Psychology?
9 Specific Strategies for How to Use Reverse Psychology to Get People to Do what you Want
- 1. When you want your partner to do something simple, let them make the decision.
- 2. Use a little white lie to get them to do what you want.
- 3. You must create a sense of scarcity to get your partner to do what you want.
- 4. Let them think they thought of the idea first.
- 5. Express something negative about your idea first to get them interested.
- 6. This approach can create a fun and playful dynamic between the two people because it's less serious than direct communication.
- 7. This approach can work really well when someone wants to buy something but is waiting for a better deal.
- 8. When you think someone wants to say no but is afraid of hurting your feelings, reverse psychology can be the perfect way to get what you want.
- 9. Use big words and confusing sentences so they will feel like they know more than you and can therefore make the decision.
Final Thoughts about How to Use Reverse Psychology

What is Reverse Psychology?

It's a form of manipulation (although not always). It occurs when someone says something or acts in a way opposite to what they actually want. As a result, the other person will often do what they really want or need to do. Most people won't know that they were manipulated, but deep down inside they may feel like they want to give in.

One example is when parents tell their child that she cannot eat candy before dinner. The reverse psychology works when the child gobbles down her candy because she knows it will upset Mommy and Daddy. Reverse psychology can also be used in romantic relationships.

Reverse psychology was first named and studied in the mid-1900s by psychoanalysts. They discovered that this tactic is usually used during mental illness or when people face severe stress. However, it has recently been found to be an effective problem-solving technique for relationship conflicts too.

In a relationship, this is especially useful when you want something from your partner but don't feel like fighting for it. However, if you're going to use reverse psychology as a tactic to get what you want from someone else, be wary of the risks and know that there are no guarantees.

How can I use Reverse Psychology?

In terms of words, use indirect statements and comments to get someone else to do what you want. Meanwhile, stay focused on what you really want and avoid getting caught up in unneeded details.

As opposed to being straightforward about your intentions, try doing the opposite. This may work especially well with people who are more dominant than you. For example, if you're a follower and not the leader of the relationship, reverse psychology can be used as a way to get your partner to do things for you.

Using reverse psychology is not guaranteed to get you what you want, so there are some risks. For example, if your partner knows that you're using reverse psychology on them, they may feel manipulated or tricked. They may also feel like they can never trust you again because of how sneaky this technique is.

Other risks include both of you not getting what you need out of the relationship. This can create more conflict and problems than there were in the first place.

Work relationships and Reverse Psychology

In terms of work relationships, reverse psychology can work – to an extent. You do have to play the “game” at work so that you can maintain a good reputation. Being indirect can help avoid controversial topics. Making your boss think it is his idea to buy pizza every week or purchase new office equipment is a sly move!

In a relationship, this is especially useful when you want something from your partner but don't feel like fighting for it.

When negotiating a contract, put all reverse psychology aside and be very straight forward. Pretending you only want 5000 when you really want 5 million simply won't work in the legal details of a contract. However, I must say my personal experience shows that when I acted indifferent to people at work who I actually did want to talk to, they became more interested and friendly towards me.

However, reverse psychology can be used in some work relationships on occasion. It's best to use it when trying to keep relations as smooth as possible. One should be more direct with work responsibilities and contracts though!

How can I avoid being tricked by this technique?

Be wary, since there are no guarantees when it comes to reverse psychology. If know your partner's personality, then you may catch on quicker. For example, if they're suspicious or think that everyone is like this, then it may be best not to use reverse psychology on them.

What if I'm wrong?

If you find out later on that you didn't need to use reverse psychology and just could have asked for what you wanted directly – great! It's OK to learn from your mistakes. Just don't be upset when someone doesn't give in, because it's their choice not to do what you want.

What Are the Pros and Cons of Reverse Psychology?

Just because reverse psychology might not be an ethical method to use, that doesn't mean it should never be used at all. The pros and cons can help you determine if using this tactic is right for your specific situation.

Pros of Using Reverse Psychology

1. You get what you want without having to fight for it.
2. Your partner may have less resistance to your ideas or requests.
3. You are being creative and thinking outside the box.
4. You build trust with your significant other by reassuring them that they can trust you too.

Cons of Using Reverse Psychology

1. You may feel guilty or uncomfortable for doing something sneaky or deceptive.
2. Your partner may feel tricked, used, or disrespected.
3. You have no guarantees that this tactic will work every time—it's not foolproof!
4. It might only cause more problems and fights between the two of you in the long run.
5. It may become a habit that affects other parts of your relationship.

Why Use Reverse Psychology?

There are many reasons why someone might choose to use reverse psychology instead of being direct. Here are some examples:

1. You may use this tactic if you have a shy or introverted personality. Being direct might feel too awkward or embarrassing. It can also come off as too harsh or critical, so this is often an easier alternative.

2. You may want to try reverse psychology when your partner does not seem to be listening, understanding, or caring about what you are saying. They may have the same opinion no matter what you say or do.

When negotiating a contract, put all reverse psychology aside and be very straight forward.

3. You may use this method if you know that your partner will likely reject what you are saying no matter how nice or polite you phrase it. If you don't feel like the other person will listen to you or consider your feelings or opinions, teasing them and pushing their buttons might be a better tactic.

4. You may use reverse psychology when you know this is something your partner really wants, but they aren't willing to admit it or ask for it. This can save you from having another argument about what you need or want in the future.

5. This tactic can build trust by making the other person feel like they can totally trust you. They will know that you would never lie to them, so they don't need to question anything you say or do.

6. This approach can create a fun and playful dynamic between the two people because it's less serious than direct communication.

7. Reverse psychology is useful if you want to avoid hurting someone's feelings or starting an argument.

8. You might choose to use this tactic when you feel powerless or in a bad position. When someone is in control, this type of communication will make them think they came up with the idea all by themselves!

9. This approach can be used when neither person in the relationship wants to back down from an argument. Reverse psychology can turn the argument around in your favor.

10. You might choose to use reverse psychology if you are trying to get out of trouble about something bad that you did.

11. Using this tactic can make someone fall completely in love with you because they don't even realize you are tricking them!

12. This approach can be great for people with passive personalities. Sometimes these individuals might not want to hurt someone's feelings, so they won't ever say no. Reverse psychology can solve this problem.

13. You may like using reverse psychology because it's a simple and easy way to get other people to do what you want without having to be pushy or ask many times.

9 Specific Strategies for How to Use Reverse Psychology to Get People to Do what you Want

1. When you want your partner to do something simple, let them make the decision.

This can be a great way to get someone to help around the house. For example: “Hey, would you mind taking out the trash?” Or if they're watching TV when you need them for something: “I could really use some help with something.”

2. Use a little white lie to get them to do what you want.

This approach works well if your partner is being stubborn and they will definitely believe whatever you say that agrees with their opinion/position on something. For example: “Honey, I couldn't agree more! You were 100% right about everything. There's no way I could have been right.”

3. You must create a sense of scarcity to get your partner to do what you want.

They will only be willing to do whatever it is because they think they can't lose out on the opportunity. For example: “I've been chasing this promotion at work forever and now that it's finally mine, I'm not gonna let it go. This is my dream job and I need to focus on my career right now.”

4. Let them think they thought of the idea first.

Reverse psychology works because your partner will feel like they are in control, but you're really pulling all the strings! For example: “You know what would be so nice right now? If you would do the dishes.”

5. Express something negative about your idea first to get them interested.

Reverse psychology is all about selling the concept of doing what you want, not necessarily doing it! For example: “I'm really tired and I don't feel like cooking tonight. Do you want to just order takeout?”

6. This approach can create a fun and playful dynamic between the two people because it's less serious than direct communication.

For example: “Honey, I'm sick of you always leaving your clothes on the floor. If you do it again, I'll put them in the dryer!”

Using reverse psychology is not guaranteed to get you what you want, so there are some risks.

7. This approach can work really well when someone wants to buy something but is waiting for a better deal.

For example: “I'm just not sure if I want this yet. But you know what, let me think it over.”

I mastered the art of this tactic when shopping in open markets abroad that don't have prices listed. I even went as far as negotiating to my limit and walking away. I each case the shop keeper would come after me and agree to my final price.

8. When you think someone wants to say no but is afraid of hurting your feelings, reverse psychology can be the perfect way to get what you want.

For example: “You don't have to help me with this project. It's okay if you're too busy. I'll figure it out somehow.”

9. Use big words and confusing sentences so they will feel like they know more than you and can therefore make the decision.

Reverse psychology works because your partner thinks they are teaching you something or helping you. For example: “I don't quite understand what you're trying to say. Could you show me what you mean?”.

Final Thoughts about How to Use Reverse Psychology

Reverse psychology is a great way to encourage someone you love (or don't like) to do what you want without being obvious. However, this tactic does have its cons and can cause problems in the relationship if it's used too often or in the wrong situation. It's important to be careful about how often you use this tactic and make sure that both people are on the same page.

When someone is stubborn and they know what you want them to do, this tactic can help get them there without making them feel like they're being manipulated. While we learned a great deal about reverse psychology, we also learned it may not always be the right way to go. So, if you want to flip the script and become more direct, look at 9 Assertive Behavior Examples to Help You Succeed in Life.

Finally, if you want to increase your happiness and life satisfaction, then watch this free video that details the 7-minute habit for planning your day to focus on what's important.

Reverse psychology reveals the secrets of human actions

“There are more good people, but they are rarer”, “Why are people so evil, cruel?” - these phrases have become winged in our days. They hide a lot of pain from the betrayal of loved ones, disappointments in loved ones. The mass of strong negative emotions overshadows the mind, and the truth is hidden from the person. Namely, understanding the reasons for the behavior of another. The veil of secrecy of human actions has been lifted today by reverse psychology.

And the truth is that there are no people who are only evil or only good. In each of us, both negative, from the point of view of morality, qualities, and positive traits are manifested. Any person does a lot of good and not so good deeds in his life. It all depends on the specific circumstances, life experience, changes in values. White may appear black. And it is difficult to say in which direction the advantage was, because the actions are not unambiguous.

Such an explanation of the duality of human nature and gives a new trend in science, called "reverse psychology."

This direction has concentrated on the study of a long-known phenomenon in psychology, when a person under the same conditions exhibits different behavior. The explanation for this is the variety of manifestations of the human psyche, its main function - self-regulation.

But the interest of psychologists today is attracted not by different reactions of a person in the same situation, but by the reasons why he acts "exactly the opposite."

This phenomenon in psychology is known as the principle of reversibility (“action from the opposite”), which manifests itself under certain conditions. The more you put pressure on a person, the more unpredictable his reaction can be. A strong impact often causes stress. Psychology explains human behavior in such a situation as a defensive reaction of the psyche to an external stimulus. Of course, it doesn't always work. Only if outsiders have an impact on the most “painful” points of a person, touching the thinnest strings of the soul. Although sometimes it is enough to “get in touch” with actual experiences…

Reverse psychology has given valuable information for practical application in various fields of activity: in politics, advertising, in the media. For example, advertising professionals have long wondered what kind of advertising should be in order not to cause a protest reaction from the consumer. And they didn't always find the answer.

To use this knowledge, you must thoroughly understand the mechanism. A new psychological concept that most accurately explains the phenomenon "from the opposite" was proposed by the British psychologist Michael Apter, widely known in professional circles. At the heart of his ideas lies the concept of motivation. He argues that at one point in time a person cannot experience two inherently opposite needs at once. For example, we can get lost in thoughts about our problems, of course, at this moment we are not able to empathize with another. If someone persistently asks us for help, advice, trying to attract attention, the reaction can be violent (anger, aggression, demonstrative indifference).

Reverse psychology also emphasizes that the psyche tends to switch from one state to another, the opposite. So, there is a way to get the desired reaction. It is necessary either to choose the right moment (this is possible with personal contact), or to help the person smoothly move into the appropriate state.

Well, let's see how practitioners cope with this task - "doers of the word", politicians and others.

In fairness, we note that Apter's theory is integral, i.e. answering (or at least not contradicting) all currently known scientific areas, and these are: depth psychology (studies the unconscious in the structure of the human psyche), gestalt (the theory of unfinished actions), psychoanalysis (therapy based on the identification of hidden causes, often unconscious) , behaviorism (explaining human behavior in a chain: stimulus-response). This means he has the right to life.

Reverse psychology: how does it work?

You must have done this many times, and you didn't even suspect that you were doing exactly that - reverse psychology. This phenomenon has a simple principle of operation. You want someone to do something, but are absolutely sure of refusal, even after a polite request. So you're asking the person to do the exact opposite of what you want. For example, you unsuccessfully ask your husband to paint the bedroom. But as soon as you tell him: "Don't worry, I'll paint it myself - anyway, I can paint walls better than you," rest assured, your husband will immediately pick up a brush.

"Reverse psychology often works because each person needs independence," says Dr. Jeanette Raymond, a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, and relationship expert in Los Angeles. “It’s much more uplifting to feel that you did something of your own accord, and not because someone forced you, forced, shamed or threatened to end the relationship.”

In psychotherapy, reverse psychology is called "paradoxical intervention" (the term "reverse psychology" appeared under the influence of the media). In a paradoxical intervention, the therapist tells the client to behave in exactly the way the client most wants. For example, if a client wants to overcome procrastination, the therapist suggests that the client procrastinate for one hour a day. The point is that this will help the client focus on the behavior and its possible consequences and allow him to see that the behavior is voluntary and therefore controllable.

There are some doubts about the ethics of a paradoxical intervention performed by a professional. Sometimes the patient's problem may be one of fear or pain, in which case asking the patient to intentionally create that state does not seem to be acceptable.

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Who does reverse psychology work for?

Reverse psychology, or paradoxical intervention, is a relatively new concept in psychotherapy, but it has folk origins. For example, it is believed that parents should not warn their child against marriage with an unsuccessful passion, otherwise the wedding will certainly take place. But does it work for everyone and in every situation?

Experts believe that reverse psychology is more likely to work for those who do not like to be in control - teenagers. rebels, daffodils, for example. Most passive people will happily do what you ask, so there is no need for reverse psychology for them. It will also work better for those who often make emotional decisions rather than calmly consider their moves.

Reverse psychology is more likely to work for those who do not like to be controlled

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Janet Raymond argues that the effectiveness of this method depends less on personality type than on relationship dynamics. “Where a person is fighting for his independence and individuality, a paradoxical intervention can work, because a person seeks to do what you forbid him.”

She mentions Julian Assange, the head of WikiLeaks, as an example. “The more he was called to stop and the more threats he received from powerful countries like the United States, the more he ignored them and the sooner he acquired the aura of a martyr,” says the psychotherapist. “If he had been told that his work is cool and demanded to continue in the same spirit, he probably would not have stuck his line so hard. ”

Fortunately, it is not often that we are faced with the task of using reverse psychology to stop the spread of top-secret government information. Most of us use this method for much more peaceful purposes—towards our children and our partner, and to achieve business goals, which you will learn about later.

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Reverse psychology and children

When all else fails, parents often use reverse psychology techniques with their children.

Anyone who has children must have often experienced this method with them. Children very often do the exact opposite of what their parents want them to do. And like many of us, they don't like being told what to do.

In one experiment, 2-year-olds were forbidden to play with a certain toy. And now they suddenly really needed to play with her. Older children were asked to choose any picture out of five - but immediately after that they were told that one of them could not be chosen. And what is the result? The forbidden picture was urgently needed by everyone. Other studies also showed that special warning signs made the item very appealing to children, such as those that appear on screen during a TV show with images of violence.

So what's the point? Parents can use reverse psychology to keep their children's natural desire for independence from getting in the way of their rational desires. But parents should do it responsibly and selectively. If you use reverse psychology too often, it will become habitual and stop working. Your children will perceive you as a manipulator, which, of course, is not very good.

Also, never use "negative" reverse psychology, which can harm the child's personality. For example, never tell your child that you will hide his bike, because he cannot get into the garage without scratching the cars nearby. Choose positive and harmless forms of influence. For example, your daughter does not want to have dinner. Say that this is fine, but when dinner time is over, it will be time to sleep and she simply will not have time to eat.

Adolescents work well when you let them make their own choices. For example, if your 16-year-old wants to go to some suspicious activity, tell him or her that you can't force him or her to stay at home, even if you think it might be dangerous. So you will have to decide for yourself how it will be smarter to act. Thus, you will successfully resign, and in the end, the child may even listen to your advice.

"The paradoxical intervention does not give permission to the child to do what he wants, not his parent," says Raymond. “You just inspire a child to do wrong, and in the end it just becomes not interesting to him.”

Some psychologists oppose the use of reverse methods in all circumstances. Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a child clinical psychologist, says that if you praise your child for doing something you didn't ask for—for example, you told your son to keep growing his hair long, and he responded by doing short haircut - you teach him not to obey you. The child will also understand that what you say is not always true.

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Using Reverse Psychology in Relationships and Business

Sometimes in a relationship, partners shy away from talking frankly on certain topics and don't talk about their feelings and emotions. If you understand that this is happening in your couple, you can try to apply reverse psychology. Maybe your significant other is telling you that they want to take time out because you're too meticulous. Cheerfully let him know that you just realized that you probably put too much on him. And leave it alone for a while. Most likely, he will dramatically change his mind and your relationship will continue.

Or perhaps you are discussing whether or not to have children with your wife. You are firmly convinced that she wants children right now, but says that it would be wiser to wait a bit. You say, "Okay, let's wait a couple of years." Be prepared for what she suddenly says - let's not wait, let's go right now.

In the case of business, reverse psychology is most effective in sales. Don't use this technique to get people to buy what they don't need. But using it with buyers who are interested in your products is completely justified.

There are several ways to apply the reverse approach in sales. The first is "client disqualification". In this scenario, you're telling a customer that they can't afford or don't really need a particular product, expecting the customer to want that product even more.

For example, you are helping a couple find a car. You show them all the cars in the showroom except for the two expensive cars in the corner. They will ask you why they weren't shown these cars. You tell them that these cars are too expensive and it seems to you that, most likely, the couple will not be able to afford them. Buyers insist on watching and end up buying one to prove you wrong.

Another common technique is to ask the customer to rate your product on a scale of 1 to 10 after you have given the customer complete information about the product.

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