Negative family members

15 Signs of a Toxic Family Member, and What to Do About Them

Some lucky people are born into families they adore spending time with—their loving mutual bonds make holidays and multi-generational vacations a drama-free joy. But for others, simply seeing an incoming call from a parent triggers an anxiety that dates back to childhood, and they leave family gatherings feeling hurt, angry, or exhausted. Toxic family dynamics can have far-reaching impact on our lives as adults.

And narcissistic parenting isn’t the only type of toxic family relationship. Fern Schumer Chapman, author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, says that this topic isn’t nearly as talked about. “There’s this expectation that siblings will have sustaining relationships for all of their lives,” she says. “So when you say that you don’t, there’s this question of, ‘is there something wrong with you?”’

The reality can be much more complicated. Chapman adds that typically, a toxic person is the product of a toxic environment themselves—so they often aren’t even aware of their own harmful patterns. “I always joke that if you have one toxic person in your family, you probably have ten,” she says. “Because that’s what was modeled.” Without intervention, it can be perpetuated further by marrying into other people’s dysfunctional families.

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Is someone who you're ideally supposed to be close to actually inspiring an instinct to protect yourself? Here are several signs of a toxic family member, and expert advice on dealing with toxic family—because “drink all of the wine” is not a sustainable plan.

They make cruelly critical remarks.

No one's known you longer than your family has, which means they've got a rich back catalog of personal failures to draw from when commenting on your life. Their blunt criticism can wound like a physical jab.

"Toxic parents exhibit a chronic lack of empathy towards their children," says Shannon Thomas, trauma therapist and author of Healing from Hidden Abuse. "These behaviors can manifest through biting remarks about appearance, relationship status, mental or physical health, financial struggles, or career challenges."

Even if they insist they're just teasing, those comments may (even subconsciously) be decimating by design. "It's hard to imagine a parent intentionally taking cheap shots at their children, but it happens when they're toxic," Thomas adds.

They give you the silent treatment.

Yes, words can hurt—but so can their absence. If they refuse to speak to you for hours (or even days) following an argument, it's a form of manipulation. This is true regardless of the family member.

"Toxic family members are notorious for using silence as a form of punishment and emotional control," says Thomas. "They find power in being pursued for a relationship.”

They lie—or deny.

Even when it’s a lie that doesn’t involve or affect you directly, lack of clarity about the truth creates confusion and cultivates a distrust that leaves you wondering what else isn’t true—particularly when it happens repeatedly. “They may even cover a lie with another lie,” says Chapman. Denial may also take the form of (patently false) blanket statements like, “we don’t have secrets in this house.”

They generalize during disagreements.

“Specific details can be debated, but vague accusations are a lot harder to dispute,” Chapman explains. The remarks might sound something like, “it never works out,” or “you always do this.”

They sow conflict with other family members.

Maybe they flat-out ask you why you can't be more like the brother you've always felt competitive with, or they praise his successes in ways that emphasize where you fall short. Or, they might share something another family member said about you. "Unhealthy parents will pit their children against one another, or against other members of the family," says Thomas. "They set up scenarios where jealousy and resentment can flourish."

They change the subject to turn the tables on you.

In an argument, they might deflect attention by bringing up one of your flaws, instead. Chapman offers this example: You tell a loved one you’re concerned about their drug abuse, and they counter with unrelated claims that you’re a bad parent.

A toxic sibling may "side with" your parent.

In a well-adjusted family dynamic, there's usually no such thing as "taking sides." But when someone learns poor relationship patterns from a parent, they may try to earn that parent's affection by replicating those patterns and thus normalizing harmful behavior.

"Toxic siblings often become a supporter of an equally toxic parent," Thomas says. "They'll use similar critical language as the parent, and shame the targeted sibling regarding areas of life they might be feeling vulnerable about."

Fostering or playing into a competitive dynamic that's meant to make you feel bad is another type of toxic sibling behavior, as is conveniently forgetting your invite to family get-togethers. "Their goal is to send the clear message that you're not included on purpose, and they'll often gloat about what a wonderful event it was," Thomas explains.

Beware of repeating toxic patterns with others.

You didn’t choose the family you were raised in, but you can make sure you don't invite new toxic influences into your life by assuming the poor ways they treat you are acceptable. "If one or both parents who raised you exhibited significantly unhealthy traits, your ability to assess red flags in the people you meet will be negatively impacted," says Thomas.

"Without true insight on how our family environment created relational blind spots, we run a high risk of repeating toxic patterns from childhood," she continues. "These could include people-pleasing tendencies, difficulty controlling your anger, or being emotionally unavailable in adult relationships." Auditing your relationships' health through self-examination and the assistance of a mental health professional can help you avoid recreating the toxicity.

Before telling a toxic family member how they make you feel, try this.

If you don't feel that their behavior is extreme enough to warrant cutting off contact—or you’re simply not ready to take that extreme step—you may be tempted to call them out, in an effort to break the cycle. Just be sure to manage your expectations of the conversation: Definitely don't assume you'll get an outright apology, or a sudden improvement in your dynamic. In fact, they may wind up pushing your buttons harder than ever.

Detachment is crucial.

You have no control over someone else's behavior, but you can work on your own reaction to it. When going no-contact isn't an option that you're willing or able to choose, Thomas recommends forging an emotional boundary with what she calls "detached contact."

"Detached contact centers on our ability to be physically present, but not emotionally wounded by the actions of a family member," Thomas explains. "We consciously recognize the psychological games they're playing to get a reaction out of us, but we refuse to engage in the toxicity." Instead, she says, invest your energy in healthier family members who treat you with respect, and "deflect all attempts by the toxic person to engage in an argument or drama." Placing distance between your emotions and their chaos-sowing tactics isn't simple, but it does get easier with practice.

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When

should you cut them off?

Deciding to enforce a no-contact rule is a big move that may test your resolve, call for new family holiday traditions, and spur other family members to try and intervene. It’s certainly not the sole option for every turbulent family bond (see the other possible paths above), nor is it the right option for everyone. It also doesn’t always have to be permanent; in her book, Chapman writes about the long road to successfully repairing her relationship with her own long-estranged brother.

But as Thomas points out, certain situations require it—especially when previous attempts to improve relations are unsuccessful. No-contact becomes an option to consider if the situation is significantly impacting your mental health. "An increase in symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, addictions, and mood instability are all signs of necessary distance from a toxic family member," Thomas says.

"It's an intensely painful experience to face the necessity of cutting a family member out of our lives," she continues. "It's a figurative death with complex grief, because the family member is still living but emotionally unsafe. "

Another reason people may choose to protect themselves with a no-contact rule is out of fear that their own children will be exposed to the same unacceptable behaviors or outright abuse. As Thomas notes, "Toxic parents frequently become toxic grandparents."

Samantha VincentySenior Staff Writer

Samantha Vincenty is the former senior staff writer at Oprah Daily.

This content is imported from OpenWeb. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

7 Strategies to Deal With Difficult Family Members

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Difficult people are everywhere, like it or not. It’s pretty certain that at some point in your life, you’ll come across a challenging person and will have to find a way to deal with them. It would be easy to think, “Why bother?” if being around them causes you grief. But it’s not as easy as that. Sometimes we’re just forced into situations we have little control over.

Being related is one such circumstance. In fact, family members are often the hardest to deal with, because they’re connected to us in a more complicated, intimate way. With difficult acquaintances like friends, colleagues, lovers, or neighbors, you may have to deal with them for a time, either until a conflict between you is resolved, or you are able to remove yourself from the situation. With family, we are almost obligated to go the extra mile for the sake of the integrity of the family group. In other words, personal relationships may affect the family as a whole. If you don’t get along with a family member, it may very well put stress and strain on other familial relationships.

So what do you do with those people you may not like very much and may not choose to have in your life, but are forced to deal with because they’re family?

1. Don’t try to fix the difficult person.

Accept them exactly as they are. (This applies to all difficult people, not just family. ) It’s tempting to try to help someone you want to care about; you probably will make some efforts to help them. Sometimes it works, but often your efforts will not be rewarded. In fact, trying to fix someone or make their life better may become a huge headache, since the more you do for them, the more they want from you.

Accept that they are unable to change, at least at this point in time. Unless you see real change — proof that this person is making an effort to listen and meet you halfway — you can assume that their behavior is what it has always been. It’s important to temper your expectations about what others can and want to do.

2. Be present and direct.

Know that a person who is trying to stir up conflict can easily set you off emotionally, and even physically, possibly raising your heart rate and blood pressure. Try to avoid getting into a fight-or-flight response, which inevitably leads to becoming defensive. You do not want an argument or heated discussion. Stay true to yourself, grounded in your own integrity. Be direct and assertive when you express yourself. Stay focused on how you respond. Know when the discussion or argument has accelerated to the point of no return — meaning it’s no longer about conflict resolution, but just about winning. If it gets to this point, stop the interaction, and leave the conversation.

3. Do encourage difficult people to express themselves.

Let them fully state their point of view about the issue/conflict/problem without interruption. Why do they feel judged or criticized by others? What do they feel people misunderstand about them? What do they want or expect from others? The idea is to remain as neutral as possible. Just listening, rather than trying to engage, may be enough to allow someone to feel like they have the opportunity to say what’s on their mind. Showing respect for another’s differences may go a very long way.

4. Watch for trigger topics.

Inevitably there will be topics that represent points of disagreement and disharmony. Know what these topics are, and be extremely aware when these are brought up. Your past experiences should help you, especially when you are confronted with these delicate subjects. Be prepared to address these issues in a direct, non-confrontational way or to deflect the conflict if the atmosphere becomes too heated.

5. Know that some topics are absolutely off-limits.

Period. History and experiences should tell you that these subjects should be avoided at all costs. That’s not to say that important issues should be permanently avoided. Rather, if your experience dealing with certain issues has left you stressed out or emotionally depleted, and the discussion has not progressed sufficiently along to represent a rapprochement, then it’s best to avoid the discussion until a time when both parties are willing to move it forward in a constructive way.

6. It’s not about you — usually.

Yes, it’s hard not to take things personally, especially when you’re attacked or made to feel responsible for someone else. But if you look at the anatomy of a conflict, you can see how these often play out. Notice how people progressively move through a discussion or argument. Usually, it initially centers around a specific topic/disagreement/response that made a person upset. If allowed to continue, the argument can become heated, accelerating quickly to personal attacks (which often includes trying to make you feel responsible or guilty for not responding the way someone wants you to). If you have been through this kind of interaction before, make a concerted effort to imagine it unfolding before it actually does — and then nip it in the bud.

7. Your own well-being comes first.

While you want to be respectful and attentive to others as much as you can, you don’t want to bend over backwards or twist yourself into a knot just to make someone else happy or satisfied, or to keep the peace. Never allow any personal interaction or relationship to infringe upon or challenge your own well-being. Visualize your boundaries, that protective territory between you and someone else. No one is entitled to occupy your space unless you invite them in.

And then there’s that special situation where families gather together for a special occasion or holiday. it’s best to plan ahead so that you have a good idea about how time will be spent with relatives. Don’t leave too much unplanned time; you don’t want to get into a situation where you’re left alone with a difficult family member with whom you have an issue or conflict — someone who confronts, challenges, incites, aggravates, and basically pushes your buttons. Surround yourself with people you get along with, supportive people who care about you, people who are there to enjoy time together.

The main functions of the family - what is it? What are they?

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Each person has his own understanding of what a family is. It remains to figure out what this phenomenon means from the point of view of social science. In this article, we have put together everything about the family - its concept, types, main functions with examples, and current trends. This will help you understand the topic and prepare for the questions in the exams.

What is a family?

Family is a small social group, a unit of society based on marriage and consanguinity, and its members are connected by a common life and responsibility to each other.

There is also a second definition. The family is a social institution through which people satisfy the most important human needs.

There are several stages in the life of every family. Let's analyze them in a table.

It is important to remember that each family has its own path, and it will not necessarily go through all the stages. For example, there are childless couples who will not be affected by the 2nd, 3rd and 4th steps. We will talk about them a little later.

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What are the functions of the family?

Let's see why people started creating families and what benefits society brings the main functions of this union.

Function

Essence

Social function

A person is formed as a personality

Reproductive (production) function of the family

Parents reproduce the population and satisfy the personal desire to continue the race

Household and economic (everyday) function of the family

Family members run the household together, take care of children and elderly relatives, distribute the family budget

Primary social control function (regulatory)

Senior members of the family regulate the behavior of the younger ones with the help of social norms: moral norms, family traditions, etiquette, etc.

Emotional-psychological function

Family members provide moral support to each other, help to cope with difficulties

Social status function

People in the family receive the same social status in society according to their nationality, religion, etc.

Protective function

Family members protect each other physically, morally and economically

Spiritual and moral function

A person adopts the norms of morality and morality from parents

Family leisure function

People in the family spend time together, may have common interests

Sexual function

In marriage, people satisfy each other's sexual needs

What are families and relationships like?

As we noted earlier, families are different. Let's look at their types and criteria that distinguish these small social groups from each other.

Criteria

Types of families

Power distribution

Traditional - decisions are made by a man.

Egalitarian - a man and a woman make decisions together.

Distribution of household duties

Patriarchal - a woman takes care of household duties, but a man works and is responsible for the family.

Matriarchal - a man does household chores, but a woman works and is responsible for the family.

Exploitative - both spouses work, but a woman does household chores.

Affiliate - household chores, work and responsibility for the family, the spouses share equally.

Structure

Nuclear - consists of spouses and their children.

Extended - consists of spouses, their children and relatives who live with them.

Polygamous - the husband has several wives, or the wife has several husbands.

Number of children

Childless - the couple has no children.

Small children - the spouses have 1-2 children.

Large - the couple has 3 or more children.

Number of parents

Complete - children in the family have both parents.

Incomplete - children in the family have only one parent.

Education

Authoritarian - parents are the main authority, children are obliged to fulfill their requirements.

Liberal - the interests of one family member are above the interests of other people and society as a whole.

Democratic - children and parents cooperate and agree.

Family leisure

Open - the family communicates and spends time with other people, and not just between themselves.

Closed - the family spends leisure time in their inner circle.

Now let's look at the relationship of families of different types. How people will feel in this union depends on its psychological climate.

Psychological climate is the conditions that arise in the family and depend on the relationship between its members. They affect the psychological well-being of a person, and also unite family members, or push them away from each other.

In total there are 2 types of psychological climate - warm and heavy. Let's analyze them all in the table.
is made is made

Types of psychological climate

Warm climate

Heavy climate

How

Development methods

How

Development methods

Care, attention, cooperation

The family is filled with love, its members trust, respect and understand each other

Indifference, disrespect for other people's boundaries, selfishness

There is a tense atmosphere in the family, frequent conflicts, little joint positive emotions

What is family debt?

The family is not only a support, protection, but also the responsibility of people to each other. There is a special term for this phenomenon - family debt. Let's look into it in more detail.

Family duty is the moral requirements for people within the family and the personal rules that its members agree to follow.

Types of family debt

Parents' debt to society

Duty of parents to children

Duty of children to parents

Take care of children and create comfortable conditions for their development

Distribute equal rights and responsibilities in raising children, take care of their health, psychological development, protect and provide financial support up to 18 years of age

Take care of parents, their well-being and family life as an adult

How do modern families develop?

Over time, society changes, and with it, people's ideas about what a family should be like. In the 21st century, trends have emerged that are changing the usual view of this union.

The position of women in the family is changing, as their authority in society is growing.

There are fewer and fewer traditional or patriarchal families.

Partner families come to the fore, in which spouses share responsibilities, make decisions together and support each other.

The multigenerational (or extended) concept of the family is being destroyed, when all relatives live under one roof.

Nuclear families, which consist of spouses and children, predominate.

The concepts of "marriage" and "family" are becoming less connected. Many people live together for years and raise common children without a stamp in their passport.

The number of divorces, incomplete families and remarriages is growing.

Check yourself

Let's check how well you have learned the material about the basic functions of the family and its other characteristics. In this block, we have collected 5 tasks that will help you find out.

Task 1

Consider a fictitious situation.

Mikhail and Oksana are not married, but have been living together for 10 years and are strict in raising their common child, 5-year-old Sasha. Antonina Vasilievna, Oksana's mother, lives in the same apartment with them. Oksana herself is engaged in raising her son, runs the house and earns money in the evening as a nail service master. Mikhail works as a taxi driver and does not help Oksana with household chores, because, in his opinion, this is not a man's business. He earns less than his civil wife, but still makes all decisions and considers himself the head of the family.

Think and assign this family to any type according to the categories that we studied in the article. Imagine: what kind of psychological climate can reign in this union? Argument your opinion.

Task 2

Below we have listed 5 statements about the main functions of the family in society and its other characteristics. Divide them into true and false.

This or that psychological climate is the result of relationships between family members.

According to the number of children, families are divided into 2 groups.

Parents are required to support their child financially until the age of 16 until he finds a job.

At birth, a child assumes the social status of its parents.

All families go through the same life cycle.

Task 3

Re-read the section on the functions and features of modern families. Think about which of them you consider positive and which negative? Justify your answer.

Task 4

Think about why the extended family model that was ubiquitous in society before is obsolete today? Tell us about your attitude to this trend.

Task 5

Tell us about your attitude to the concept of “family debt”. How is it treated in your family?

The family is not only a part of every person's life, but also the subject of a number of questions in social studies exams. If you want to improve your knowledge in this subject and get more points, we advise you to study with a competent mentor. We have created social studies exam preparation courses to help you fill in the gaps, become more confident and prepare for the exam without stress. You can try learning on the Skysmart platform with a free introductory lesson.

Alyona Fedotova

author Skysmart

to the previous article

Society in a broad and narrow sense

for the next article

Types of markets
90,000 Family business: Positive sides
Family business lurk in the form of those same family relationships that can call into question all his dignity.

What is a family business?

From the name it is clear that this is a business organized by close or distant relatives belonging to the same family. A family business, or family firm, is inherited. According to its structure, size, management, concentration of capital, a family business is conditionally divided into two types.

The first type is a small company with a few employees - usually no more than 10. As a rule, these are the closest relatives: mother, father, son, daughter, son-in-law, daughter-in-law. In such companies, the leader is the head of the family, who simultaneously performs the duties of a driver. The role of the accountant and the seller is taken over by the wife and daughter. Small shops, recruitment agencies, travel agencies, etc. work on this principle.

The second type is large firms inherited from generation to generation. For example, in England, 16% of family firms have experienced four generational changes. Usually the family in such firms jointly owns a controlling stake. In Russian business, large family corporations are still practically absent - the most promising family business associated with trade. Usually these are small highly specialized shops. The family business is also popular, which is associated with trade based on small production. These can be mini-workshops and trading floors at the same time, for example, mini-bakeries.

And the third place is occupied by a family business in the agricultural sector, in particular the maintenance of a small poultry or pig farm. A family business, like any other, is aimed at generating income, only in this case - family. And his organization has its pros and cons.

What are the positive aspects of a family business?

Often, a family business continues the tradition of more than one generation, that is, people are mentally tuned from childhood to what they will do in the future. And this attitude becomes the key to a successful family business.

A family that develops a joint business usually owns its own secrets and keeps them for future generations. This enables its representatives to start their start from a higher level.

Business partners - members of your family can be trusted without preoccupation with preliminary checks and without fear of intrigues and intrigues.

A family business, if all family members are interested in it, contributes to its unity, develops a sense of mutual assistance in them.

Children can also actively participate in running a joint business by doing work available to them. First, in this way they can develop their abilities, acquire the necessary skills to continue this work in the future. And secondly, they will learn to realize the value of money earned with their own hands.

The family business has additional incentives to achieve high results, because the reputation of the family and the result of the whole business depend on them.

In a family business, a person plans his own time and is his own boss. In addition, the profit from the family business remains in the family.

However, the family business is also fraught with pitfalls in the form of the same family relationships that can call into question all its merits.

What should be feared in a family business?

As you know, relatives can also betray. As the wise Mark Twain wrote: “If you need money, go to strangers; if you need advice, go to your friends; and if you don't need anything, go to your relatives."

Money disputes too often destroy family relationships.

If a family business goes bankrupt, the whole family is at risk of falling into debt.

Quite often in a family business there are conflicts on the basis of the fact that, as they say, "there is a black sheep in the family" - one of the family members begins to neglect his duties, counting on the favor of the others.

Lack of ability and interest in business, inconsistency with the position of one of the relatives, who has to be hired only because he is a family member.

Not all family members understand that family and business relationships are different things.

The founder of a family business may no longer enjoy authority and the rest of the family will not want to obey him.

A new family member, more successful and authoritative, may appear in a family team, and a conflict with the former leader is possible.

Each family "keeps its skeletons in closets", which, in case of conflicts, threaten to fall out to the detriment of the cause. Moreover, envy and ambition are often present in any team, and family is no exception.

Practice shows that few family businesses manage to "survive" at least to the third generation. As a rule, on the second - the heirs of the founders - they stop.

Helpful Hints

So, family business has its attractions, so for those who do intend to get into it, we can advise:

Provide strong leadership by setting strict rules from the very beginning.

It is safer to open a family business with useful connections and experience. Perhaps, for a start, it is worth working in the same area with someone in subordination in order to see the whole process from the inside.

Financially responsible positions, for example, those related to finance, are not recommended to be given to non-blood relatives. For example, people who got into the family through marriage.

Do not hire relatives with whom it is difficult to reach mutual understanding or agreement. When working together, the differences will only intensify.
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Negative family members

15 Signs of a Toxic Family Member, and What to Do About Them

Related Story

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A toxic sibling may "side with" your parent.

Beware of repeating toxic patterns with others.

Before telling a toxic family member how they make you feel, try this.

Related Stories

Detachment is crucial.

When

7 Strategies to Deal With Difficult Family Members

The main functions of the family - what is it? What are they?

What is a family?

What are the functions of the family?

What are families and relationships like?

What is family debt?

How do modern families develop?

Check yourself

Task 1

Task 2

Task 3

Task 4

Task 5

What is a family business?

What are the positive aspects of a family business?

What should be feared in a family business?

Helpful Hints