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How to ruin a narcissist


What Are The Words That Destroy A Narcissist?

And if you know me, you know that this has often been a problem in my own life. See, I am one of those people who can’t shut up sometimes.  It’s a real issue. For example, if I hear someone saying something that is just an outrageous lie, or misrepresentation of me in some way, I cannot not tell them. I have to say the truth. For years, it was almost like I couldn’t help it, and even if I tried to stay silent or to go along with the lie, the words would still almost involuntarily spill out of me.

Now that I’m an adult, and since I’ve done the work of healing from my toxic relationships, I’ve gotten better in one way: I don’t bother to argue with anyone who won’t hear me. I have learned it’s a waste of breath. I’ll tell someone the truth once, and if I can see that they’re intentionally not receiving the message, I’ll stop trying to make them understand.

But, as you might imagine, when I was a kid, I got in trouble a LOT for the words I used. Not because I cursed or said things that were extra mean, but because I couldn’t shut up and go along with the various lies that were thrown at me. For example, if I did a chore wrong, my parent might ask me to agree that I was lazy and worthless. And if I refused to agree, which I inevitably did for some ridiculous reason, this would lead to a really bad day. My little brother would pull me aside and ask what was wrong with me: why didn’t I just say whatever they wanted me to say so I would stay out of trouble? I wanted to, I really did, but something in me just wouldn’t stay silent. I’d go on to do the same thing during my marriage to a narcissist – that dang word vomit thing would get me in trouble every time.

It’s funny how much of an impact words can have on us, isn’t it? This is true for narcissists too, and there are certain words and phrases that you can say to a narcissist that will positively destroy them. And while it might be tempting to use this information to hurt the narcissist, that isn’t the reason I’m sharing it with you today. In fact, while we all know that the ideal answer to dealing with a narcissist is to go no contact, there are certain situations where we have to continue to deal with them – either we can’t leave right away or we’ve got kids with them, or some kind of business we need to accomplish with them. In any case, if you’re dealing with a narcissist, then you know you have to tread very carefully. This means to avoid using certain words around them. That is because if you use certain words, they will destroy the narcissist. And as tempting as it is to do that (because they had it coming), the consequences of facing the narcissistic rage is far from pretty.

If you can relate, stick with me because that’s exactly what we’re talking about today – words that destroy a narcissist, what you can say or do instead of using them, and if you watch till the end, I’ll fill you in on the number one word you can never say to a narcissist without completely destroying them.

In This Article

Now, what are the words that will destroy a narcissist that you want to avoid using (at least if you’re trying to keep the peace)?

1. ‘I know the truth about you’ or ‘I see right through you’

Narcissists cannot stand to have their masks unceremoniously removed and their true selves called out. So, if the narcissist claims to be something that you know for sure they are not, it would really hurt them to hear you say you see through them. For example, if the narcissist is always talking about how they’re a genius, you might point out that you saw a copy of their IQ test and the score was average, at best. Or if they claim to have won some big beauty pageant 20 years ago, but you know they were really the third runner-up, pointing this out will only upset them. If you want to avoid drama, you’ll have to keep pretending that you believe they are the false self they pretend to be.

2. ‘I don’t remember that’

Narcissists have this way of expecting their sources of narcissistic supply to go along with their lies, no matter what. So, if you’re with a group of friends and they tell a completely made-up story, you better go along with it, or you’ll hurt their feelings, eliciting narcissistic injury at the very least (and probably risk dealing with their rage later). For example, one client told me a story about how her narcissistic father would always tell made-up (or at least, heavily altered) stories that featured him as the hero. She instinctively knew to go along with them, “or else.” But one day, she’d finally had enough. So when he told yet another tall tale at a family gathering, he turned to her and said, “Remember that?” She said, “No, actually, I don’t remember it that way at all.” She said he gave her the “you’re dead to me” look in the moment, and when they got home, she got in big trouble. To avoid the drama here, you’d have to pretend that you do remember whatever story they’re telling – even when it makes you look bad. Not worth it, in my opinion.

3. ‘I’m busy and don’t have time for you right now’

Narcissists, especially those of the more overt nature, will need every moment of your time, or at the very least, they will expect you to drop whatever you’re doing when they want or need your attention. Their inflated sense of entitlement and lack of an actual self makes it impossible for them to spend any time alone. They can’t stand the idea of having to fend for themselves and might have to face themselves if you leave them alone for too long. So no matter if you’re at work, or taking care of your kid or doing anything else at all, if they want your attention and you don’t dole it out as requested, they’ll crumble into a big old pile of narcissistic injury. As always, when that doesn’t work, the rage will soon follow. Why? Because they feel like you don’t feel like they’re important if you don’t drop everything when they need you. To avoid drama here, you can try saying, “I’ll be right there,” or “We can talk at this time,” but even that won’t be good enough for most of them. Many narcissists will even go so far as to sabotage your job and push away all of your friends in order to monopolize your time.

4. ‘You are a failure’ or ‘I am so disappointed in you’

Telling a narcissist they’re a failure or that you’re disappointed in them in any way sort of tugs at that false self – the mask they hide behind for most people. And even if they already know that you know who they are, acknowledging that they’re anything less than perfect will only enrage and offend them. Side note: even if someone else shares this kind of sentiment with them, they’re likely to take out their negative feelings on you – a sort of emotional garbage dump. For example, if their boss at work gives them a bad review or points out a mistake, they may come home and ruin your night as a result of it. To avoid drama in this case, you’d need to take their side in every situation and agree that it isn’t their fault somehow – which brings me to number five.

5. ‘It’s your fault’

You probably already know that narcissists refuse to take responsibility for their behavior, at least when it comes to anything they feel makes them look bad. They will blame everyone but themselves for their failures and screw-ups. On top of that, they’ll expect you to go along with their delusion. So, using the example from number four, if you don’t agree that the boss is at fault for the bad review or mistake they pointed out, the narcissist will have another reason to go after you. Oh, and this will even be the case if YOU are the person being blamed – if you don’t agree that it’s your fault, they will make you pay. To avoid the drama, or at least minimize it, you’d need to agree that someone else is responsible – even if that means you have to admit to something you didn’t do.

6. ‘I Don’t Believe You’

You know that narcissists are pathological liars and of course you have learned to take anything they say with a grain of salt, right? And with good reason. But if you tell them that you don’t believe them, watch out. They can’t stand it. If you want to avoid drama, don’t bother pointing out their lies. Not only will they never admit the truth, but you can use this to your advantage if necessary. For example, let’s say you find out they’re cheating and you confront them. They’ll deny it, even if you have actual proof and are showing it to them. As infuriating as this will be, pretend to believe them. Yeah, that’s right. Go ahead and let them lie – they will assume you believe them. And since they also have a tendency to underestimate you, they’ll get sloppy when they think they’ve got you snowed. This will allow you to do what you need to do to deal with the cheating (which, for the record, I hope means you’ll be getting your ducks in a row to leave them) without having to deal with their drama.

7. ‘Goodbye’

This is the ultimate way to destroy a narcissist. See, narcissists need narcissistic supply to function – like a vampire needs blood and darkness. If you’re one of their sources of narcissistic supply, they can’t stand the idea of not having you around to dump all that emotional garbage on, not to mention to give them the attention, praise and admiration they demand. If you say goodbye and leave, and then you go no contact and stick with it, they will, at least temporarily, be destroyed. Of course, they’ll also use this narcissistic injury as a way to gain attention from other people and often to find a new source of supply, playing the poor me game and engaging in various smear campaigns about you with anyone who will listen. But if you hold out, and you use the gray rock method – as in, you don’t react emotionally – or you just remain fully no contact and don’t react at all – they’ll eventually move on and stop torturing you. As difficult as this can feel, it is ultimately the best outcome of a relationship with a toxic narcissist.

Bottom line: remember that in the end, while you can certainly temporarily destroy a narcissist using words such as the ones I’ve shared here, the very best revenge you could get on any narcissist would be to simply live your life well without them. To find true happiness and peace in your life, despite the fact that they exist. Not only would learning you’re happy without them and living like they don’t exist destroy a narcissist, but it would make them feel like you’ve won the relationship. Not that you need such a trophy – but you do deserve to be happy and to not live in fear of triggering the next episode of narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury. No one should have to live like this. Walking on eggshells is both difficult and painful and it can change you in some pretty profound ways. If you’d like to learn more about how narcissistic abuse changes you, check out this video.

Question of the day: did you recognize any of the phrases I shared as things that might upset or bother the narcissist in your own life? And what other words would you add to my list? Share your thoughts, share your ideas, share your experiences in the comments section below this video, and let’s talk about it!

Author

  • Angela Atkinson

    Angela Atkinson is a certified trauma counselor and the author of more than 20 books on narcissism, narcissistic abuse recovery, and related topics. A recognized expert on narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder who has studied and written extensively on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse in toxic relationships since 2006, she has a popular narcissistic abuse recovery YouTube channel. Atkinson was inspired to begin her work as a result of having survived toxic relationships of her own. Atkinson offers trauma-informed narcissistic abuse recovery coaching and has certifications in trauma counseling, life coaching, level 2 therapeutic model, CBT coaching, integrative wellness coaching, and NLP. She is a certified trauma support coach and certified family trauma professional. She also has a professional PTSD counseling certification. Her mission is to help those who have experienced the emotional and mental devastation that comes with narcissistic abuse in these incredibly toxic relationships to (re)discover their true selves, stop the gaslighting and manipulation, and move forward into their genuine desires – into a life that is exactly what they choose for themselves. Along with her solution-focused life coaching experience, Atkinson’s previous career in journalism and research helps her to offer both accurate and understandable information for survivors of abuse in a simple-to-understand way that helps to increase awareness in the narcissistic abuse recovery community. Atkinson founded QueenBeeing.com Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support, the SPANily Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support Groups and the Life Makeover Academy. She offers individual and group coaching for victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse here at QueenBeeing.com and at NarcissisticAbuseRecovery.Online.

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How to Destroy a Narcissist

by Ken Fox

*This article is in response to a question posed on Quora.

Q: What should I do if I want to destroy a narcissist?

A: If you want to destroy a narcissist, and leave a serious emotional wound in return for the countless times they’ve ripped you open, just to make them know you’re willing to fight back – or get a morsel of your own dignity back, then I only know 3 options that work depending on the situation:

  1. If you’ve just realized they’ve been manipulating a situation for their own gain (they have been) or to sabotage someone else and you find it difficult to PROVE what you know is happening because everyone else is not only blind to it but protective of them and unsure of you then you have to find a way to GET EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME AND COMPARE FACTS. These people are brilliant at spreading horrible yet very effective half-truths whispered in numerous ears but with subtle facts changed that actually turn the facts they share into slightly somehow believable lies. I’m an extreme emotional empath and extroverted personality willing to do almost anything if I believe it’s right, and defend or forgive almost anyone if I believe in their heart/intent/remorse. It makes me a perfect victim for these pathetic manipulating non-humans. My former wife was one of the absolute worst – She would scream and punch me in the back of my head with her fist (I taught her how to make a fist for self-defense and because I can be an idiot). She pointed her nails into a bunched-up fingernail grouping and “stabbed” me in the face repeatedly while I was holding my 27′ iMac and trying to pack so I could get away from her. Left my face a bleeding mess. Finally, while she was shrieking like a demonic shrew and running at me one more time while my hands were full, I dropped everything in one arm and shoved her off of me when she got close enough to swing at me. I didn’t even break stride – it was a stiff-arm to just keep her off of me. She fell backward – not hard – but she didn’t fall gently either – just a normal way an insane person would fall if they were running at another person and bounced off of them. I kept most of the times she hit me quiet from anyone else, although I did tell more than a few people it was happening, I only told others about very few actual times because I was afraid she’d think I was trying to damage her reputation. So I kept it to a few people in the family and a few friends of mine I trusted. But once she fell, despite me coming back after loading the car and taking a deep breath to help her stand up she screamed at me for “throwing her to the floor” which never happened. Afterward she told EVERYONE I abused her – took photos of bruises she got from landing on the floor and had people I cared about wondering if I was a violent abuser. But my kids witnessed her attacks and her insanity and sometimes just evil intent – she even raised her fist to my 12-year-old daughter a couple of times – so she always avoided any setting that allowed various versions of her half-truth to hear the conflicting stories. They also know which people will likely believe which lies so they’re careful not to tell your mom something that she would know isn’t consistent with you – instead, they might tell her you’re doing some shameful addiction of some sort and tell yet another person something far darker and just as untrue but make them swear not to tell you out of fear. It works a lot – until one person decides to trust you and checks out the rumors with you. UNMASKING THESE GUTLESS MANIPULATORS IS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS THAT ACTUALLY HURTS THEM.
  2. If you want to make them a little angry and take back a little bit of dignity and control: PRETEND – PRETEND YOU DON’T HURT WHEN THEY DETACH FROM YOU. PRETEND YOU DON’T EMOTIONALLY ACHE FOR THEM AND THAT YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT THEM. BE JUST AS HAPPY OR HAPPIER WITHOUT THEM LIKE THEY ALWAYS PROVE THEY CAN WITHOUT YOU. YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITHOUT THEM. YOU’RE BENEATH THEM AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT BY NOW SO THAT DRIVES THEM INSANE. TO EVEN THINK YOU MIGHT NOT BE SO EASILY PUNISHED EMOTIONALLY ANYTIME THEY CHOOSE.
  3. If you want to make them very angry and take back all of your dignity and control. Do everything I listed above, but stop pretending – and decide you mean it.

Best way I learned to destroy a narcissist is to remember the worst moments with this shell of a human. Over time, I’d become addicted to emotionally protecting her and justifying indefensible moments of hers to “prove” my idiotic love. Finally, a good friend told me I was brainwashing myself, that I lost sight of how pathetic I’d become. He suggested I make the choice to dwell on her actions, attacks, and remorseless intentions. All the facts of our every day life that proved there was no respect in how she saw me. He even told me I could be fair to her by refusing to dwell on anything she’d apologized for. Or anything she acknowledged was wrong and taken responsibility for doing.

It worked.

It took a few weeks and complete lack of contact to get my mind back. But now that I do, I can’t explain how I ever justified things that I would NEVER have tolerated. Not from anyone for any reason. Not until I became determined to prove to this woman I loved her too much to ever leave her.

She peed in my drinking water.

Contacted old lovers.

Cheated on me.

Raised her fist to my daughter.

Threatened to give our daughter to a stranger to hurt me.

She’s done everything possible now to keep me from my daughter.

She leaned over me while my chest locked up before the ambulance got there. Then screamed that she would do whatever she had to do to take my daughter from me.

When my daughter tried to pull her back out of fear for me. She raised her fist and glared at her threatening to punch a 12 year old – Made me enraged. Paramedics said I was moments from stroking out when they arrived on scene – refused to let her in the ambulance.

She wouldn’t come get me when the hospital released me

Whatever she did – I could always calm down and justify to myself – and she knew it.

When I stopped caring. I meant it – now she knows that too.

She hates that more than anything.

That’s how you destroy a narcissist.

Taggeddestroying a narcissistgetting back at exhurting a narcissistnarcissistrevenge on a narcissistrevenge on extoxic ex

The Power of the Narcissist: 9 Steps to Freedom

194,453

Man Among People Man and Woman

The feeling of love that we experience at the very beginning of a relationship with a narcissistic personality is experienced much more strongly than in a healthy relationship. The reason is that a narcissist (male or female) floods us with declarations of love almost from the first days, does not tire of admiring, seeking advice, assuring that we are perfection itself, he or she met the best person in his life and is ready for us to All.

This is called "love bombing". Then the tactics change - the narcissist seems to retreat a little, his love confessions become less frequent, calmer, and finally the stormy ocean turns into a meager stream. It is a form of manipulation, control, and conditioning that the narcissist uses to keep us in his power.

There is no doubt that we loved. The only problem is that narcissists cannot love us back.

When communicating with them, it is better to rely on your inner instinct, and not on the strength of your feelings. We tend to get so trapped in our feelings that we lose the ability to hear the alarm bells and red flags that come with a toxic relationship. Narcissists cannot keep a face for long - very soon their facade cracks. But they are masters of their craft and, if you are inexperienced, can easily put you on the hook.

1. Arm yourself with knowledge

The most important and first thing to do to get out of the trap is to learn as much as possible about what narcissistic personality disorder is, how narcissists work, their typical behavior and techniques.

You need to arm yourself with knowledge. Repeat and repeat over and over again. Until you study them properly, you won't be able to free yourself from their toxic hook - narcissists make us feel obligated by playing on our sense of duty, conscientiousness.

Feeling sorry for the narcissist when he or she has you trapped is pointless - they are just using your feelings against you. It is necessary to discard false pity in order to clearly see what you are dealing with.

2. Trust your intuition

Watch yourself — learn to separate feelings and deep inner feeling, intuition. Start trusting your intuition, not your feelings. Associating with a narcissist weakens physical, mental and emotional health because we are trying to understand a person whose behavior contradicts words.

Instead of listening to what they say, watch what they do. Words lie, actions reveal the truth. We really get to know people through their behavior. Words are just a breach of your trust.

You feel sick and exhausted because your mind and body tell you that you are in great danger, but everything seems to be fine (because he or she tells you so). Once again, trust your gut instinct. Become a cold-blooded explorer. Silently observe what is happening.

3. Don't put yourself in their shoes

Go back to where you belong. It's a matter of awareness. Mentally note how difficult it is to do this - these are the consequences of narcissistic processing.

Don't try to guess what they have in mind, imagine their next steps. Putting yourself in their place means trying to understand their motives, justify them, find a reasonable explanation for their behavior, and eventually get bogged down again in the poisonous swamp of their verbal manipulations.

When you catch yourself trying to "get into the narcissist's head," do your best to distract yourself. It's hard and it takes a lot of fortitude not to give in to the brainwashing they put on you to make sure they've taken over all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore the messages

For the narcissist, information has no meaning, its only purpose is to suck you into the swamp of manipulation. The task is not to figure out whether to believe or not to believe the words of a narcissist. It is about breaking out of the vicious circle in which you think day and night only about what is connected with the narcissist.

Do not listen or pay attention to the content of the speeches that the narcissist makes. This is their way to take out your brain to draw you into their world and keep you where you always find yourself in the role of bad and guilty. They will keep pushing your boundaries and blowing the fuses that signal you are approaching the boundaries to constantly keep you on your toes, unbalance, disturb your peace.

Trying to find common sense in the speeches of a narcissist is to force your brain to work in a stressful mode, it gradually drives you crazy. Know that no matter what they say, narcissists are seeking some benefit for themselves, no matter how logical or beautiful their words sound. Everything is only about them and for them, and the only desire of a narcissist is that you, too, be only about them and for them. They will do and say anything to keep you trapped in their little fantasy world. Once again: watch what they do (not say).

5. Protect your property and savings

If necessary, start saving money. Remember that they can completely bleed you. Protect everything that is of value to you. Acting from noble feelings and wanting to remain fair, you risk eventually being ruthlessly abandoned without a livelihood.

6. Silence is golden

When we love, we want to share our thoughts and feelings with the person we love — this is natural. But you do not have a loved one, you are dealing with a narcissist who pretends to be your soul mate.

Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel

You can't move them. They use your trust against you. The more open you are, the more guns and knives they have in your back. Narcissists love it when you share. If you have to say something, protect yourself as much as possible - don't tell the whole truth, be neutral, obscure or change the subject.

7. Who are you?

Deal with yourself, what you believe in, what is dearest to you in this world, what you want to live and die for. Otherwise, anyone can convince you of anything. Without knowing ourselves, we cannot set boundaries in a relationship - what we are ready to tolerate and what is categorically not. Strengthen your value system and protect what you hold dear. Then you will know what to do and how to behave, instead of hesitating and bending under the onslaught of someone else's will.

8. Be patient

Continue to observe and analyze. By learning the basic manipulative techniques of narcissists, you will be able to recognize them accurately. This is a great help in the process of freeing yourself from the illusion of "great love to the grave", "faithful" friendship or family idyll that narcissists have played for you.

Liberation does not happen overnight. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Be kind and patient with yourself. You learn to act and live in a new way - rethink, clarify yourself and your life principles, move to a new level of relationships with others. Give yourself time to deal with everything that's going on.

9. Feed your soul

Help others, little by little, quietly and anonymously. Say something nice, even to a stranger. Fulfill one of your little wishes, just for yourself. Draw strength from religion if you are a believer. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that one day you will be free and the joy of life will return to you.

Text: Ksenia Tatarnikova Photo credit: Unsplash

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Method to kill. II. Narcissists

We will continue to inflict psychological violence. Today, our victim will be a more dangerous beast - the daffodil. This type has already been trained in some skills of self-defense and manipulation, knows how to advance in society, especially in today's society. And his meat is richer, where without it.

Essence

If the narcissist can be described as briefly as possible, then this is a person whose internal self-esteem depends solely on external factors. He can successfully exist only in society, only surrounded by other people. Libido turns on itself the object of attraction and desire becomes one's own ideal projection .

Mr. Brodsky somehow delicately remarked: “ By the way, we all masturbate ”, but the narcissist goes further: other people, in principle, are reduced to the role of objects for masturbation. And they have no more respect for others than for an elastic pink dildo. What kind of empathy can we talk about here?

To begin with, the narcissist lives with inflated self-esteem and fantasies about the significance and greatness of all his undertakings. Greatness must be verified by the recognition of others , their enthusiastic assessments. Moreover, he must receive his praise immediately: at the same moment, as soon as he is bitten by a worm of doubt in his own abilities. Narcissists have psychic inflation: an unrealistic sense of identity. Ambivalently replace each other complexes of God and total inferiority. It all depends on whether the narcissist is on a horse today or under a horse.

Since the narcissist subconsciously feels that a well-built projection, a false personality, and not himself, is receiving praise, then emotional burnout gradually sets in.

It is important to know the following term - "self-objects". This is the name of the people who feed the insecure self-esteem of narcissists. It is an external object with which one can identify oneself. You can divide self-objects into two broad categories. The first is flatterers, sycophants and naive people who make up the main environment of the narcissist. A narcissist always has a fan club. This is dogma. Selfish egoists do not intend to keep not only critics and opponents, which is understandable, but even indifferent people or people who find it difficult to defiantly express approval. If a particularly talented sucker suddenly appears, then the narcissist begins to compare his old acquaintances with him, gradually becoming disillusioned with them. Like, if their language is not so rough and affectionate, then they love it less.

The second kind of self-objects are ideals and spiritual teachers. Narcissists tend to not only consider themselves great people, but also take pride in meeting other historical figures. These can be both people who are deified during their lifetime, as well as philosophers, writers and other prominent figures of the past. Such a self-object has indisputable authority; it often becomes a victim of an idealizing transference against its will. In particular, narcissists like to deliberately admire more successful colleagues, exalt successful writers if they want to become writers themselves, and have an almost teenage love for interesting teachers. They are attracted by the veil of success and recognition that they would like to create for themselves. In fact, this is a remedy for envy: can't outdo the object, then start worshiping it to snatch its mana .

Maybe someone remembers Natella Speranskaya ? This is an obvious and clinical case of narcissism. Her obsession with Dugin, Nietzsche, the presence of crazy global creative projects, intolerance of criticism, constant rattling of regalia, cosmic conceit and an abundance of significant self-portraits in the photo gallery - everything is like in a textbook.

By the way, having various diplomas, certificates and awards is very important for them. If in a person’s profile you see an impressive dossier with a list of victories, nominations, publications up to an extract about a good appetite from kindergarten, then you can be sure that a daffodil has opened up in front of you. The main task of narcissists is to compose a message about their remarkable functional potency . They spend a lot of time compiling detailed reports on their activities, both professional and personal. Sometimes, it comes to exhibitionism. A person thinks that the community from social networks is obliged to like any manifestations of his life, large and small. And then a photo of a crooked view from the window will be identically equal to obtaining an MBA certificate.

In general, it must be said that daffodils are the most important opportunists in the universe. They actively broadcast what they think is popular and in demand among the target audience. They never do anything for themselves, they never write to the table. However, having fed five thousand people, the narcissist suddenly discovers that he himself was left terribly hungry.

Narcissists lack empathy. They do not feel the feelings of other people, it comes to materialism in interpersonal relationships. They also have a very vague idea of ​​boundaries. Often they unceremoniously interfere in the affairs and conversations of other people. Moreover, they immediately take a dominant position, put things in order without accepting any objections. So an old mother can break into the apartment of a formally adult child and remake everything there, rearrange, rebuild to her taste. Narcissists easily read other people's diaries and letters.

The worst thing for a narcissist is to experience shame. This is not guilt - guilt is experienced internally and is more characteristic of our beloved masochists. But shame is when other people think you are "bad". It is better to die than to experience full-blown disgrace. You see, the narcissist values ​​his identity so much that he reacts with unbearable pain to any attack on it. He would rather put on a mask for which he will be praised than risk showing his true and vulnerable self . Since the narcissist subconsciously feels that a well-built projection, a false personality, and not himself, is receiving praise, then emotional burnout gradually sets in. The narcissist becomes cold and indifferent, a sucking emptiness grows inside him.

One of my acquaintances showed her independence from others in every possible way. If she admitted that she depends on others, needs their love and approval, it would be humiliating. The people around her weren't people—they were stimuli. These must be surpassed, these must be impressed, recommendations must be obtained from these. From the outside, it looked like some kind of surreal marathon. But she didn't realize that she was sucking up. It seemed to her that she was behaving naturally, and for some reason people around were melting and thrilled. The consciousness of narcissists is actually unreflected. The higher the narcissist climbs, the more arrogantly he behaves. They do not remember the covenant 9Spiderman 0125 that great power brings great responsibility. No, power brings to narcissists only the emancipation of passions and the worst manifestations of tyranny.

Narcissists find it difficult to establish long-term relationships. They care about quantity, not quality. One admirer easily replaces another, it is important to maintain (and slowly increase) the overall level of flattery and attention. They really do feel special. They often become intrusive and familiar because they feel that the accepted rules of decency do not apply to them. N.B. - Narcissists never break the rules when compared to asocials. They just think they're above those rules.

Consider the sexuality of narcissists. Many of them fall in love or start having sex because they feel inferior in comparison to more successful peers who are already given. If they laugh at a narcissist that everyone has girls, but he doesn’t, tomorrow he will come with some kind of scum. Reacts to changes paradoxically. Curiosity begins to disassemble him: “Did you feel as good as with me?” And if the narcissist hears in response that it is the coolest thing with him, then he will easily forgive any adultery. A narcissist man will travel all over his partner's brains, figuring out whether she had an orgasm or not. If the relationship does not work out, the narcissist tries his best to devalue the object of his passion. Having received a nominee diploma for a graphomaniac rhyme, the narcissist will smile wryly and say: “Yes, she doesn’t deserve me.”

Social networks have done everything to contribute to the spread of narcissism among the population. If you think about it, this is a paradise for narcissists - thanks to likes and reposts, sympathy becomes something measurable and almost physically tangible, you can check in in beautiful and trendy places, at cool events, you can pour out your point of view on everything. Sooner or later, both online and in life, a narcissistic circle of interests is formed. It's a wild mixture of Masonic lodge and reality show "Behind the Glass" . On the one hand, the characters behave as if there, behind closed doors, almost the Eleusinian Mysteries are being accomplished. Narcissists with an important look stick out the elitism of their party. They scribble and masturbate to each other such comments and reviews that even freelance students for big money will be embarrassed to write. On the other hand, their activities are advertised through all available distribution channels. A group of narcissists entangled in a homogeneous hivemind behaves in exactly the same way as an individual member of this group. They, too, will look for subserviently assenting admirers and provoke (or rather, pretend to successfully provoke) those who do not fit into their mutual masturbation section.

However, narcissists can achieve quite significant success in society. In general, narcissists should be divided into two types. The first is a narcissist with no results. Everything is clear here, we see a petty and insignificant person with an inflated fantasy inner world, who believes that everyone around her owes her. It's funny and a little pitiful if we felt sorry. The second type is the achievement narcissist. It would seem that this person has real reasons to admire himself and demand the same from others. However the narcissist very quickly devalues ​​all his achievements, the very next day they do not bring him any satisfaction . Because you can't build self-respect on achievements alone. And then he decides that, apparently, he just needs to achieve something even more grandiose, and he is going on a new campaign. And so on until it breaks.

We are used to the fact that children should be demanded to the maximum, that one cannot love them just like that. In addition, this model is simple and understandable, like any trade and market relations: you give me a diary with fives, I give you love and recognition

Anamnesis

Prominent psychoanalytic minds distinguish two variants of the development of narcissism. For the purity of the experiment, we will consider both options. But I will still add a couple of subparagraphs from myself.

1) Narcissistic expansion - I myself subscribe to the theory that the main burden of the blame lies with the parents. Narcissists are very successful in raising new narcissists. For the narcissistic parent, the child is another self-object, a vehicle for self-esteem. A demanding father drives his son around the sports sections and waits for the results at the national team level. The child is forced to live in the paradigm of imposed perfectionism: to study for only A's, to die for a red diploma, to play the violin. Children are left with no freedom of choice, as soon as the child goes beyond the boundaries of narcissistic expectations, as loving and warm parents suddenly turn into cold, stone monsters. This shapeshifting, depending on how "good" the child is, cannot but frighten him. Because of parental rejection, a child is introduced to an all-consuming shame from an early age.

There is another thing: the narcissistic model when communicating with children is often chosen even by people with other accentuations. This is already a disease of society, environment. We are used to the fact that children should be demanded to the maximum, that it is impossible to love them just like that. In addition, this model is simple and understandable, like any trade and market relations: you give me a diary with fives, I give you love and recognition.

Thus, the true core of the child's personality becomes unclaimed. All you need is a perfect projection. As a result, the future narcissist forms a flawed image of the "I", is not capable of empathy and dialogue. The void is filled with hypertrophied conceit, delusions of grandeur and overcritical perception of other people. The narcissist believes that he can only be understood and accepted by superhumans, and that he will not want to communicate with ordinary proles like you and me. He builds communication so that at the same time receive praise and break those around him with coldness and excessive demands in the same way that once broke him.

2) Narcissistic injury - if in the first case we have a pure and homogeneous narcissistic character, then here we are talking about an event that pushes a person onto the path of narcissism, even if he is initially dominated by a different type of personality. As a rule, the narcissistic trauma is a sharp decrease in status, a hierarchical collapse, public humiliation, an attempt to take on impossible obligations. In almost every anamnesis there is unhappy love, rejection and rejection as the most powerful fixer of trauma.

After recovering from shock, a person begins to gain self-respect back. Only now, increased anxiety, distrust and fear of addiction are added to all his relationships. He gradually grows into a manipulative narcissist, obsessed with improving his false self.

3) Narcissistic contagion - none of the psychoanalysts developed this concept, so I offer a little gag. My personal practice shows that very many people who find themselves in a narcissistic party begin to gradually adopt their behavioral patterns and motivations. A person first becomes a fan of a narcissist, and then tries to catch up with him. Damn Facebook, in my opinion, is literally built on the stimulation of narcissism, engaging in an endless race of achievements.

Narcissists, especially successful representatives, know how to poison other people with dependence on the fictional world of Bohemia. People are filled with poison when they try to fit into the immoral and meaningless world of narcissists, thinking that there is some profit waiting for them, some special treatment. There is a narcissistic vein in every person - each of us is vulnerable and can fall, blinded by egocentrism and a thirst for honors .

I have arranged the root causes in order of increasing success of the therapeutic intervention. That is, the narcissistic expansion is practically not treated and is not corrected, the narcissistic injury with sin in half can be cured, and the easiest way is to save the infected. It's like with drug addicts - to isolate from drug addict friends and dealers, survive withdrawal and prevent relapse.

Narcissus is easy to follow on social media. Usually, this is a superficial and pretentious type with a bunch of friends who rush to like his slightest sneeze.

Signs

And now the traditional reminder "how to recognize a daffodil" of thirteen points.

1) The narcissist does not respond adequately to criticism. Suddenly, arrogance and the veil of superiority fall from him, and he begins to swear in public. He cannot answer a negative comment himself - this must be done by one of his company. Only then will the narcissist be able to stabilize his shaken self-esteem. Therefore a pack of sing-alongs immediately swoops down on the stranger, and they drive him out of his comfort zone in a crowd . After that, the news of the glorious victory will be inscribed in all public chronicles.

2) The narcissist is just asking for compliments. He demandingly waits for bragging rights, this is something like a rent for staying in his company. If you don't pay, it will quickly cool off.

3) The narcissist has a utilitarian attitude towards the people around him. He does not see them as independent subjects, therefore he often breaks into their lives, grossly violates their personal space. It is impossible to get emotional support from him . Most likely, he will be afraid of manipulation, break loose and declare that he himself needs it.

4) Envy wears out the narcissist. He tries to control the entire circle of his acquaintances. He keeps a close watch so that no one jumps off and gets carried away by someone besides him. In a love relationship, he is harassed by surveillance, control, and will constantly demand confirmation that he is the best and most beloved.

5) He is terribly afraid to show his true self. He is also afraid of any actions that can knock out a stool of cheap popularity from under him. He has a certain audience for which he works, and he will never go against it. At the same time, the higher the narcissist climbs, the worse and more unbearable he behaves. He believes that others tolerate him only for status, and therefore wants to check if they will love him if he starts acting like an asshole on a daily basis.

6) Narcissus boasts of diplomas and medals. He always gives a complete list of his awards. His thinking is also deformed: he evaluates people in the same way, whoever has more awards and other status achievements is cooler. They compare themselves to others all the time. It is not enough for them to succeed - this must happen against the backdrop of less successful comrades .

7) Narcissists are easy to follow on social media. Usually, this is a superficial and pretentious type with a bunch of friends who rush to like his slightest sneeze. With the formed troupe, he tours all the resources where at least minimal support from the audience is required for promotion. The psychology of masturbation works here too: narcissists like themselves and repost any mention of themselves on the wall. And yes, they have a selfie stick. Here I need to write some vulgarity, but somehow I'm already tired.

8) For some inexplicable reason, narcissists believe they deserve special treatment: a personal touch, a separate line for sausages, a cherry on a cherry on a cake. They are never satisfied with the quality of service. If suddenly an official or a waiter treats them in the same way as hundreds of other visitors, narcissists feel wild resentment, which they do not hesitate to throw out in complaints books. Everyone should drop everything and take care of him alone.

9) They have one or two inviolable idols. If you try to say something against him, you will stumble upon the same inadequate reaction as if you were to criticize the narcissist himself. At the same time, the attitude towards idols is absolutely not critical, they rush about with the books of those who are considered great, and sell them from right to left.

10) They reduce any conversations to themselves and their topics. If someone shows pictures of their cat, then the narcissist will interrupt the discussion and will definitely jump in with his cat. If we are talking about creativity, then it will bury itself in the plots and texts of the narcissist. He simply does not know how to keep up a conversation about abstract things that have nothing to do with him personally.

11) Projects are rarely completed. They collapse under the weight of the obligations they have proudly placed on themselves. Yes, many narcissists are workaholics, but often this work is wasted. They do not know how to plan, they do not think beyond two moves, they are generally not able to adhere to any strategy, preferring to respond to momentary challenges. They spend all their energy on the current small things.

12) Narcissists never. Again. Never apologize , almost never use the standard polite turns "psib-please", because due to the presence of such protection as omnipotent control, as well as a lack of empathy, they take everything for granted. They handed the plate to the narcissist - what, are there other options? In communication, they owe nothing to anyone.

13) Narcissus produces a heap of simulacra. To be in trend, he has to write reviews of popular films and books, uncomment colleagues in the narcissistic workshop in order to hope for reciprocal services. It quickly closes in a limited cultural space. Everything he does bears the stamp of secondary, chewed. But it’s hard to put your own “I” into work when this “I” does not exist at all.

The narcissist considers himself the root cause of everything. He attributes all accidents, all the free actions of other people to his own account.

Defenses

1) Idealization / devaluation - as we have already noticed, there are no halftones in the perception of narcissists. Narcissus in his own eyes is either a god or a nonentity. Surrounding - either idols of gold, or mounds of shit. And the stronger the idealization, the harder the exposure will follow. This leads to the need to constantly change the object of admiration, prevents the establishment of long-term relationships.

2) Omnipotent control - the narcissist sees himself as the ultimate cause of everything. He attributes all accidents, all the free actions of other people to his own account. In addition, narcissists see the world through the prism of romanticism: they have an idea of ​​​​how any event should proceed, and what roles others should play. Puppet theater with princesses and unicorns.

3) Projection - one's own negative intentions are attributed to others. If a narcissist hates himself, then it seems to him that others hate him and despise him. The use of projection worsens an already inadequate sense of interpersonal boundaries. For the same reason, there are a lot of homosexuals among narcissists. Narcissists are afraid of the opposite sex, maybe even jealous in some way. Fear of castration, envy of the phallus—well, you know all those Freudian mantras. The choice of a person of the same sex as a sexual object indicates the desire to have an ideal twin, who should not be feared .

4) Regression - a rollback into infantilism in frustration from a collision with the real world. The narcissist begins to avoid difficulties, hide from competitors, and generally needs the most primitive manifestations of love and affection. Needs are reduced to the most basic: to eat and sleep, in a dry, safe place. The narcissist can be capricious up to real psychosomatic illnesses.

Kill the narcissist in you. No one should catch you on the desire to be inimitable and unique.

How to defend yourself

First of all, you must be aware that you are not at war with a person, but with a false image. It is impossible to defeat a fictional projection, don't even try. You need to keep yourself from becoming jealous of the narcissist, although he will do everything to realize this scenario. Demythologize, debunk, expose . If you believe even for a second in the fairy tale that the narcissist draws for naive viewers, you will put yourself at risk.

Kill the narcissist in you. No one should catch you on the desire to be inimitable and unique. It seems that it is worth getting close to a narcissist, and the whole world will see something in you that they have not noticed before. Yes, I want to partake of the narcissistic halo, to sip glory. But this is just an appearance. These are tantalum flours.

The narcissist knows how to manipulate, although without a glimpse of brilliant innovation in this area. Most often, he provokes you to anger or other strong negative emotions with his arrogant and arrogant behavior. If you have a passionate desire to teach the bastard a lesson, then you are caught. You picked up the projection that the narcissist pushed out of himself and became exactly what he expected to see. Restrain yourself from the desire to immediately get involved in a skirmish for any joke. Even if twenty guard poodles of Narcissus later neighed over this joke. Another trick is to make you feel ashamed and inferior. Anyone who gets caught up in a Facebook image competition with a narcissist will spend a lot of time and effort creating an attractive façade that has nothing fundamental behind it.

Never get involved in a narcissist's projects, avoid work that will benefit him. He has a lot of grandiose plans, but what prevents you from concentrating on your business? Maybe they are not presented so excitingly, but they are your . Try to clearly distinguish between interests, do not become an accomplice in dubious undertakings and startups.

Fiercely defend your own borders to the point of scandal. It is necessary to protect your possessions from the invasion of a narcissist. Let him feel rejected every time, shame him, let the pain be incomparable with the feeling of power from penetrating into your personal space. It may take several iterations, but, sooner or later, you will be able to defend the autonomy, and the narcissist will go in search of easier victims. Don't bend over on this issue. Don't like the idea of ​​counter-aggression? Do you want to save face and good relations with a narcissist and his gang? Then read some other method, somewhere for sure there is a "Method to please" in the spirit of old Carnegie .

Do not try to moralize, appeal to conscience - the narcissist does not suffer from this. This is a whole, but at the same time undeveloped personality, and it is best to subdue it through pain. And the absence of pain is like an encouragement. The tactic of open protest is one of the best self-defense options for a narcissist.

Narcissus is an attacking type, he himself is used to manipulating. Therefore, countermanipulative schemes work much better with him.

How to manipulate

Manipulating a narcissist is quite difficult, because he runs into his selfish needs and refuses to move away from them. If you want something to be done, let it be done in public. Let the narcissist, if he helps you, get some symbolic points. Never try to manipulate a narcissist on the basis of an interpersonal carrot and stick - external evaluation will always be the dominant factor.

If you rise in society, sooner or later you will have to go through a layer of narcissistic personalities. Let's say our media sphere is made up almost entirely of narcissists, although many of them are infected and not original. Take advantage of the fact that the narcissist perceives other people as self-objects. If he likes you in some way, he will drag you into his circle and advertise. As a thing, as a personal find - but is it really that important? You can easily enlist basic support from his like-minded people. And there it is not difficult to throw off the narcissist himself, because, as a rule, he is not very productive and is too busy with flattery and intrigues. Strength is valued in this circle, if you demonstrate great toughness, then the narcissist's mongrels will easily betray him and come over to your side. This is generally a common practice in narcissistic communities, so there is an off-scale degree of distrust. All of them are boiled in one cauldron, in which caramel and pus are equally divided.

A narcissist can be made addicted in two ways. Or through envy, here you need to have an image and support stronger than his. Or through his need to control and manage: be the elusive and beautiful butterfly that an avid collector tries in vain to catch.

Narcissus is an attacking type, he himself is used to manipulating. Therefore, countermanipulative schemes work much better with him. The clearer your consciousness, the clearer you see the background of what is happening, the stronger you hold on to your own interests, the easier it will be for you to cope with a narcissist.

Wear down the enemy, the daffodil is not imprisoned for trench warfare. He needs quick one-time wins. One of the problems of the narcissist is the wrong distribution of forces and resources.

How to kill

Curiously, a narcissist is much easier to kill than to manipulate. There are so many ways to cut it with a razor. Laughter, as I have repeatedly said, is a terrible weapon, but against a narcissistic personality it is impressively effective. Ridicule is the best strategy for dealing with a narcissist , the more people join the laughter, the better. Chase and harass him with banter. But, I ask you, let it really be funny, sharp and smart. Otherwise, you will drown in the mudflow of vulgar libels, which is massively practiced on graphomaniac resources.

Is the narcissist breaking boundaries? Answer him the same. Ignore the false personality, try to get to the real "I" with a red-hot iron, expose the existential emptiness of the narcissist. Take advantage of the fact that the narcissist does not have his own development strategy, he is always busy responding to everyday events and requests. You will beat him in the long run, you just have to wait for the depressive phase when the narcissist eats away at himself with doubts. And sooner or later she will come, you just need to catch this moment and put pressure on it. The narcissist is helpless against the strategy of sustainable development that a person with adequate self-esteem uses.

Pull the narcissist into communities where he has no support, pull him into new situations. Narcissists are somewhat similar to chameleons, they are super-adaptive to the external environment. Let the external environment be something unpredictable and chaotic. It's like putting a chameleon on sheets of multi-colored paper and once a minute pulling out the sheet, forcing it to change color again. He will quickly go crazy.

A Narcissist weighed down with real power is best not to mess with as long as you are in his jurisdiction. However, if he cannot exert any administrative pressure on you, then he can be dealt with just as easily as other narcissists. Even a narcissist who has achieved everything in the world will still be dependent on external evaluations and dissatisfied with his position. If there is no escape from the narcissistic boss, then it is easier and more profitable to become his favorite. If you can’t become a favorite, then try to get yourself maximum autonomy and enlist the sympathy of your colleagues. In this case, the narcissist will be afraid to touch you so that other workers do not perceive him as a petty vindictive dirty trick. He doesn't understand that in fact, no one cares about , he always feels like in public, and this should be used.

Finally, repeat the narcissistic trauma, if any. Reject it, drop it, humiliate it. In the community of narcissists, the one who manages to throw a partner first wins.

Wear down the enemy, the daffodil is not imprisoned for trench warfare. He needs quick one-time wins. One of the problems of the narcissist is the wrong distribution of forces and resources. Because of this, he is quickly out of breath. Try to cut him off from the support group. If the narcissist is left alone with you, then it is enough to portray not even contempt, but indifference, and he will quickly come to naught. Just don't fall into the traps of the illusory world of success.

In conclusion, narcissists are only as strong as you have not overcome narcissism in yourself . He can be both a very dangerous opponent and a paper tiger, and it depends not on him, but on you. Other psychotypes are a threat in themselves, but the narcissist is terrible only because he draws you into a fruitless competitive activity and into an airless space of mutual pleasing.

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