How to regain your self esteem
Raising low self-esteem - NHS
We all have times when we lack confidence and do not feel good about ourselves.
But when low self-esteem becomes a long-term problem, it can have a harmful effect on our mental health and our day-to-day lives.
What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the opinion we have of ourselves.
When we have healthy self-esteem, we tend to feel positive about ourselves and about life in general. It makes us better able to deal with life's ups and downs.
When our self-esteem is low, we tend to see ourselves and our life in a more negative and critical light. We also feel less able to take on the challenges that life throws at us.
What causes low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem often begins in childhood. Our teachers, friends, siblings, parents, and even the media send us positive and negative messages about ourselves.
For some reason, the message that you are not good enough is the one that stays with you.
Perhaps you found it difficult to live up to other people's expectations of you, or to your own expectations.
Stress and difficult life events, such as serious illness or a bereavement, can have a negative effect on self-esteem.
Personality can also play a part. Some people are just more prone to negative thinking, while others set impossibly high standards for themselves.
How does low self-esteem affect us?
If you have low self-esteem or confidence, you may hide yourself away from social situations, stop trying new things, and avoid things you find challenging.
In the short term, avoiding challenging and difficult situations might make you feel safe.
In the longer term, this can backfire because it reinforces your underlying doubts and fears. It teaches you the unhelpful rule that the only way to cope is by avoiding things.
Living with low self-esteem can harm your mental health and lead to problems such as depression and anxiety.
You may also develop unhelpful habits, such as smoking and drinking too much, as a way of coping.
How to have healthy self-esteem
To boost your self-esteem, you need to identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself, then challenge them.
You may tell yourself you're "too stupid" to apply for a new job, for example, or that "nobody cares" about you.
Start to note these negative thoughts and write them on a piece of paper or in a diary. Ask yourself when you first started to think these thoughts.
Next, start to write some evidence that challenges these negative beliefs, such as, "I'm really good at cryptic crosswords" or "My sister calls for a chat every week".
Write down other positive things about yourself, such as "I'm thoughtful" or "I'm a great cook" or "I'm someone that others trust".
Also write some good things that other people say about you.
Aim to have at least 5 positive things on your list and add to it regularly. Then put your list somewhere you can see it. That way, you can keep reminding yourself that you're OK.
You might have low confidence now because of what happened when you were growing up, but we can grow and develop new ways of seeing ourselves at any age.
Other ways to improve low self-esteem
Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.
Recognise what you're good at
We're all good at something, whether it's cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we're good at, which can help boost your mood.
Build positive relationships
If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions.
Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.
Be kind to yourself
Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical.
Think what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.
Learn to be assertive
Being assertive is about respecting other people's opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.
One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do.
It's not about pretending you're someone you're not. It's picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out.
Start saying "no"
People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to.
The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.
For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message.
Give yourself a challenge
We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges.
Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.
Where to find help for low self-esteem
Psychological therapies like counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help.
You can refer yourself for psychological therapies on the NHS.
If you prefer, you can talk to a GP first and they can refer you.
You could also find a private therapist. Make sure they're registered with a professional body.
Audio: unhelpful thinking
In this audio guide, a doctor helps you to replace negative thoughts with more positive thinking.
Media last reviewed: 2 March 2021
Media review due: 2 March 2024
Visit healthtalk.
org to hear young people talking about their experiences of low self-esteem.
Video: psychological therapies for stress, anxiety and depression
Animated video explaining self-referral to psychological therapies services for stress, anxiety or depression.
Media last reviewed: 14 March 2022
Media review due: 14 March 2025
Improving Self-Esteem | Skills You Need
Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, or the opinion you have about yourself. Everyone has times when they feel a bit low or find it hard to believe in themselves. However, if this becomes a long-term situation, this can lead to problems, including mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem can also be a sign of these problems.
Self-esteem is often the result of a lifetime of experiences, and particularly what happened to us as children. However, it is possible to improve your self-esteem at any age.
This page provides more information about self-esteem, and some actions that you can take to improve it.
Understanding Self-Esteem
Some people think of self-esteem as their inner voice (or self-dialogue) – the voice that tells you whether you are good enough to do or achieve something.
Self-esteem is actually about how we value ourselves, and our perceptions about who we are and what we are capable of.
Self-esteem is not about ability
Self-esteem is often not associated with either your own ability, or other people’s perceptions of you.
It is quite possible for someone who is good at something to have poor self-esteem. Conversely, someone who struggles with a particular task might generally have good self-esteem.
People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves, and about life. This makes them much more resilient, and better able to cope with life’s ups and downs.
Those with poor self-esteem, however, are often much more critical of themselves. They find it harder to bounce back from challenges and setbacks. This may lead them to avoid difficult situations. That can, however, actually decrease their self-esteem still further, because they feel even worse about themselves as a result.
- In the UK, sources of help include Childline, telephone 0800 1111, the NSPCC , and the National Domestic Violence Helpline, 0808 2000 247.
- In the US, Government advice is that you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline on 800-799-SAFE (7233).
A lack of self-esteem can therefore influence how people behave, not to mention what they achieve in their lives.
You may find it interesting to read our page The Importance of Mindset for more about how attitude influences behaviour.
Why Do People Experience Low Self-Esteem?
There are many reasons why someone might have low self-esteem. However, it often starts in childhood, perhaps with a feeling that you were unable to live up to expectations. It can also be the result of adult experiences such as a difficult relationship, either personal or at work.
Self-esteem, domestic violence and abuse
The victims of domestic violence and abuse often have low self-esteem.
This may be because their abuser has spent time belittling them and making them feel bad about themselves, reducing their self-esteem. However, it may also be that their low self-esteem made them more vulnerable to being abused because they did not feel that they were valuable.
Nobody should have to suffer from abuse or violence.
If you, or anyone you know, is in this situation, you should seek help.
Stressful life events, such as a divorce or bereavement, can also have negative effects on your self-esteem.
Improving Your Self-Esteem
There are a number of ways in which you can improve your self-esteem.
1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs
The first step is to identify, and then challenge, your negative beliefs about yourself.
Notice your thoughts about yourself. For example, you might find yourself thinking ‘I’m not clever enough to do that’ or ‘I have no friends’. When you do, look for evidence that contradicts those statements. Write down both statement and evidence, and keep looking back at it to remind yourself that your negative beliefs about yourself are not true.
2. Identify the Positive About Yourself
It is also a good idea to write down positive things about yourself, such as being good at a sport, or nice things that people have said about you. When you start to feel low, look back at these things, and remind yourself that there is plenty of good about you.
In general, positive internal dialogue is a big part of improving your self-esteem.
If you catch yourself saying things like ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m a failure’, you can start to turn things around by saying ‘I can beat this’ and ‘I can become more confident by viewing myself in a more positive way’.
To begin with you will catch yourself falling back into old negative habits, but with regular effort you can start to feel more positive and build your self-esteem as well.
3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones
You will probably find that there are certain people—and certain relationships—that make you feel better than others.
If there are people who make you feel bad about yourself, try to avoid them.
Build relationships with people who make you feel good about yourself and avoid the relationships that drag you down.
4. Give Yourself a Break
You don’t have to be perfect every hour of every day. You don’t even have to feel good about yourself all the time.
Self-esteem varies from situation to situation, from day to day and hour to hour. Some people feel relaxed and positive with friends and colleagues, but uneasy and shy with strangers. Others may feel totally in command of themselves at work but struggle socially (or vice versa).
Give yourself a break. We all have times when we feel a bit down or find it harder to maintain our self-belief.
The key is not to be too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself, and not too critical.
Avoid criticising yourself to others, because this can reinforce your negative views—and also give other people a (possibly false) negative opinion of you.
You can help to boost your self-esteem by giving yourself a treat whenever you succeed in doing something hard, or just for managing a particularly bad day.
5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No
People with low self-esteem often find it hard to stand up for themselves or say no to others.
This means that they may become over-burdened at home or at work, because they do not like to refuse anyone anything. However, this can increase stress, and make it even harder to manage.
Developing your assertiveness can therefore help to improve your self-esteem. Sometimes acting as if you believed in yourself can actually help to increase self-belief!
Our pages on Assertiveness provide more information about this, including how to improve your assertiveness.
6. Improve Your Physical Health
It is much easier to feel good about ourselves when we are fit and healthy.
However, people with low self-esteem often neglect themselves, because they do not feel that they ‘deserve’ to be looked after.
Try taking more exercise, eating well, and getting enough sleep. It is also a good idea to make time to relax and to do something that you want to do, rather than something that someone else expects you to do. You may find that simple changes like this can make a huge difference to your overall outlook.
You may like to read our pages on The Importance of Exercise, Diet, Health and Nutrition, What is Sleep? and The Importance of Sleep for more information. You might also like our page on Relaxation Techniques.
7. Take On Challenges
People with low self-esteem often avoid challenging and difficult situations.
One way to improve your self-esteem can actually be to take on a challenge. This doesn’t mean that you need to do everything yourself—part of the challenge might be to seek help when you need it—but be prepared to try something that you know will be difficult to achieve.
By succeeding, you show yourself that you can achieve.
This challenges your negative beliefs and will therefore improve your self-esteem.
Further Reading from Skills You Need
The Skills You Need Guide to Personal Development
Learn how to set yourself effective personal goals and find the motivation you need to achieve them. This is the essence of personal development, a set of skills designed to help you reach your full potential, at work, in study and in your personal life.
The second edition of or bestselling eBook is ideal for anyone who wants to improve their skills and learning potential, and it is full of easy-to-follow, practical information.
The Importance of Small Steps
It is very unlikely that you will go from poor to good self-esteem overnight.
Instead, you will probably find you make small improvements over a period of time. The key is to look over the long term, rather than day-to-day, and focus on the big picture, not the detail of how you felt at a particular moment yesterday.
When you feel good, or you do something good, celebrate it—but don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally slip back into negative patterns of thinking. Just pick yourself up again and try to think more positively. Eventually, this will become a habit and you will find that your self-esteem has quietly got better.
How to restore self-esteem and self-confidence after a toxic relationship (with a partner or friends)
Relationships broke off - how to restore self-esteem?
It is difficult to get out of such a relationship, but as soon as it is possible to break the vicious circle, a person instantly feels relief.
True, it can quickly be replaced by a sense of loss inherent in the end of a relationship. At this point, it is important to give yourself time to acknowledge the trauma that this relationship has caused. If they were long enough, they could lower your self-esteem, create a feeling of losing yourself, instill pessimism in relation to new relationships in the future.
Usually the most difficult thing is forgiveness: to forgive yourself for not ending such a relationship earlier, for not catching the dynamics in time and for enduring what you couldn't endure. Whatever it is, forgive yourself. This is the first and most important step towards the restoration of the inner core, which helps not to get stuck in the past.
The first reaction of relief is almost always followed by a feeling of loss: it can be difficult for a person to start living alone. This state causes a desire to find quick solace in a new relationship, instead of stopping and calmly thinking about what happened, about the bells that were not recognized as a danger, about your responsibility for the fact that this relationship was not completed earlier.
This is the very moment when a person must understand: everything that he has experienced is neither normal nor healthy and has nothing to do with the word "love".
The art of taking small steps can help restore self-esteem that has been damaged in a toxic relationship. Once you form the habit of putting yourself at the center of your interests, you can regain your confidence and start building new relationships on a healthy foundation. Grab a pen and notepad and answer the following questions.
— What does the other person give me in a relationship?
— What can I give myself out of this?
— 10 qualities that I have?
— 10 qualities that I need to develop in order to meet all my needs on my own?
If you are afraid of losing or offending someone, then you are afraid of losing some benefit from communication. Sometimes it can be something minor. However, relationships should not be built on the principle of dependence, because if this person leaves, you will lose support, support, or something else.
It is much more pleasant to be in a relationship with a person, because it is interesting and pleasant for you to spend time with him, because you want this and choose him consciously. The meaning of the practice is to direct the spotlight on yourself: to know yourself, to understand your needs and capabilities, to become interested in yourself. The better you know yourself, the more confident you will feel in any situation.
How can I avoid getting into a toxic relationship again in the future?
The trauma left by toxic relationships can also make us suspicious of people. An example of such consequences would be a reluctance to make connections with other people, which can lead to isolation. To avoid falling back into a toxic relationship, you need to analyze the dynamics of the ended relationship - this way it will be easier for you to recognize a toxic person.
Thus, it is extremely important to give yourself time to reflect and realize the passed stage - on your own or with the help of a specialist.
This is the only way to learn to recognize danger in time, as well as to understand what personal qualities should be worked on so as not to fall into the trap again. It is important to recognize where your responsibility begins and ends in relationships with a partner, friends or parents. Sometimes the trauma of a toxic relationship is so deep that outside help is indispensable. Therapy will help you better understand your personal qualities that played a role in this relationship, as well as your vision of the relationship, fears and deep needs, because of which you endured humiliation in order to gain approval from your partner. By working on yourself, you can find a balance that will allow you to live healthy and clear relationships in the future, in which no one will suffer.
Photo: Getty Images
5 Ways to Increase Self-Esteem - Lifehacker
September 4, 2016Motivation
We tell you how to increase self-esteem in order to become more confident, endure life's difficulties and recover faster from emotional wounds.
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0It's good to have high self-esteem, but it's not easy to achieve. Part of the problem is that this indicator is unstable: one day it can skyrocket, and the next it can go nowhere. The situation is even more complicated when we try to evaluate ourselves in specific areas of life (family, sports, work). For example, if dinner doesn't taste good enough, a chef will be much more upset than a person for whom cooking is not an important aspect of their identity.
It is important to know when to stop: excessive self-esteem can make a person very vulnerable. He will be fine most of the time, but any criticism will elicit a strong reaction. And this greatly hinders the psychological development of a person.
If you are still far from such problems and would like to increase your own self-esteem, then follow our advice.
1. Use Affirmations Properly
Affirmations - self-hypnosis formulas - are very popular, but they have a significant drawback.
They often make people with low self-esteem feel even worse. Why? When self-esteem is low, statements like "I'm going to be a huge success!" strongly contradict the internal beliefs of a person.
Oddly enough, affirmations most often work for people who already have everything in order with self-esteem.
But how can you make them work for you if your self-esteem leaves much to be desired? Speak more believable formulas. For example, instead of "I'm going to be a huge success!" tell yourself, “I will try my best until I get what I want.”
2. Identify and develop your areas of expertise
Self-esteem is based on actual accomplishments in areas of life that are important to you. If you feel proud of yourself when you have prepared a delicious dinner, invite guests more often and treat them to something tasty. If you are good at running, apply for a sporting event and prepare for it. Determine what areas you are competent in and look for opportunities to highlight it.
3. Learn to accept compliments
People with low self-esteem are in dire need of compliments, but at the same time they do not know how to properly respond to them.
Accept compliments, even if they make you feel uncomfortable.
The best way to avoid the reflex reaction of denying all the good things that people say about you is to prepare a simple set of answers and practice saying them automatically every time you receive a compliment. For example, say "Thank you!" or "That's so nice of you." Over time, the desire to deny compliments will disappear, and this is a clear indicator that your self-esteem is rising.
4. Stop criticizing yourself, be softer
If you constantly criticize yourself, self-esteem becomes even lower. To regain self-esteem, it is necessary to replace criticism with self-compassion.
Whenever you are unhappy with yourself, ask yourself what you would say to your best friend in such a situation.
