How to process a breakup
Dealing with a Breakup or Divorce
grief & loss
When a relationship ends, healing can take time. These tips can help you grieve your loss and start to move on.
Why are breakups so painful?
A breakup or divorce can be one of the most stressful and emotional experiences in life. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling emotions.
Even when a relationship is no longer good, a divorce or breakup can be extremely painful because it represents the loss, not just of the partnership, but also of the dreams and commitments you shared. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hopes for the future. When a relationship fails, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.
A breakup or divorce launches you into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup also brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns can often seem worse than being in an unhappy relationship.
This pain, disruption, and uncertainty means that recovering from a breakup or divorce can be difficult and take time. However, it’s important to keep reminding yourself that you can and will get through this difficult experience and even move on with a renewed sense of hope and optimism.
Coping with a breakup or divorce
Recognize that it's OK to have different feelings. It's normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You may also feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time.
You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you're accustomed to for a little while. No one is Superman or Supergirl; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.
Don't go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, other relationships, and overall health. Don't be afraid to get outside help if you need it.
Source: Mental Health America
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:
- Loss of companionship and shared experiences (which may or may not have been consistently pleasurable).
- Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social, or emotional.
- Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (which can be even more painful than practical losses).
Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you'll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won't last forever.
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Tips for grieving after a breakup or divorce
Don't fight your feelings.
It's normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It's important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. While these emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
Talk about how you're feeling. Even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal. Writing in a journal can also be a helpful outlet for your feelings.
Remember that moving on is the end goal. Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together. After a breakup, it's hard to let these aspirations go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression. Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don't feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from depression.
Helping your kids during a breakup or divorce
When mom and dad split, a child can feel confused, angry, and uncertain as well as profoundly sad. As a parent, you can help your kids cope with the breakup by providing stability and attending to your child's needs with a reassuring, positive attitude.
Reach out to others for support
Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Don't try to get through this on your own.
Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships. Frequent face-to-face contact is also a great way to relieve the stress of a breakup and regain balance in your life.
Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. It's important that you feel free to be honest about what you're going through, without worrying about being judged, criticized, or told what to do.
Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to others doesn't come naturally, consider seeing a counselor or joining a support group (see the Resources section below). The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.
Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.
Taking care of yourself after a breakup
A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you're going through the emotional wringer and dealing with major life changes, it's more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable.
Treat yourself like you're getting over the flu.
Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.
Self-care tips
Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Spend time with good friends, go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea.
Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs. Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Say “no” without guilt or angst as a way of honoring what is right for you.
Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup can disrupt almost every area of your life, amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.
Take a time out. Try not to make any major decisions in the first few months after a separation or divorce, such as starting a new job or moving to a new city. If you can, wait until you're feeling less emotional so that you can make decisions with a clearer head.
Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When you're in the middle of a breakup, you may be tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run. It's essential to find healthier ways of coping with painful feelings. HelpGuide's free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit can help.
Explore new interests.
A divorce or breakup is a beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the past.
Making healthy choices: Eat well, sleep well, and exercise
When you're going through the stress of a divorce or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the work you are doing to move forward in a positive way will be pointless if you don't make long-term healthy lifestyle choices.
See: Healthy Eating, How to Sleep Better, and How to Start Exercising and Stick to It.
Learning important lessons from a breakup or divorce
It can be difficult to see it when you're going through a painful breakup, but in times of emotional crisis, there are opportunities to grow and learn.
You may be feeling nothing but emptiness and sadness in your life right now, but that doesn't mean that things will never change. Try to consider this period in your life a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger and wiser.
In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledge the part you played. The more you understand how the choices you made affected the relationship, the better you'll be able to learn from your mistakes—and avoid repeating them in the future.
Questions to ask yourself
- Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?
- Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
- Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?
- Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.
- Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?
You'll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you'll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time.
Authors: Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Gina Kemp, M.A., and Melinda Smith, M.A.
- References
Depressive Disorders.
(2013). In Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. American Psychiatric Association. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787.x04_Depressive_DisordersZisook, S., & Shear, K. (2009). Grief and bereavement: What psychiatrists need to know. World Psychiatry, 8(2), 67–74. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2051-5545.2009.tb00217.x
Rhoades, Galena K., Claire M. Kamp Dush, David C. Atkins, Scott M. Stanley, and Howard J. Markman. “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do: The Impact of Unmarried Relationship Dissolution on Mental Health and Life Satisfaction.” Journal of Family Psychology : JFP : Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43) 25, no. 3 (June 2011): 366. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023627
Kansky, Jessica, and Joseph P. Allen. “Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups.” Emerging Adulthood (Print) 6, no.
3 (2018): 172–90. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167696817711766Ubaidi, Basem Abbas Al, and Basem Abbas Al Ubaidi. “The Psychological and Emotional Stages of Divorce.” Accessed October 22, 2021. https://clinmedjournals.org/articles/jfmdp/journal-of-family-medicine-and-disease-prevention-jfmdp-3-060.php?jid=jfmdp
Cohen, Orna, and Ricky Finzi-Dottan. “Reasons for Divorce and Mental Health Following the Breakup.” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 53 (November 1, 2012): 581–601. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2012.719413
Coping with Separation and Divorce – How to cope with and recover from a separation, divorce, or relationship breakup. (Mental Health America)
Divorce Matters: Coping with Stress and Change (PDF) – Restructuring family life and coping with the change that comes along with separation and divorce. (Iowa State University)
Find a DivorceCare group meeting near you – Worldwide directory of support groups for people going through a separation or divorce.
(DivorceCare)
Last updated: December 5, 2022
How to mourn a breakup so that you can truly move on
One Small Thing
How much time is enough time to recover from a breakup and what should you be doing during it to heal? Mental health experts share their advice.
Experts suggest that you spend time “introverting” and using time alone to be creative and rediscover the hobbies that you may have let fall by the wayside while in a relationship.hobo_018 / Getty ImagesBy Nicole Spector
Before I met my now husband, I went through a fair amount of breakups. Occasionally, I reflect on these ill-fated relationships of mine. I line them up in my imagination like seashells, studiously inspecting the cracks and holes in even the smallest husks as I ask myself, “What went wrong there? Why did this once living, breathing relationship die?”
These are the questions I probably should have been asking myself in the wake of each breakup, but that wasn’t quite possible, because as soon as one relationship ended I’d wait approximately one menstrual cycle before throwing myself into the next ultra serious romance.
I was a textbook serial monogamist who simply refused to be single for long. In retrospect I have no doubt that I moved too fast and that I would have saved myself (and even some of those men I dated) some anguish by taking the adequate time to heal after each failed romance.
But how much time is enough time to recover from a breakup and what should you be doing during it? Can casual hookups be helpful, or should you abstain from amorous activity altogether for a while? How can you know that you’re ready to date again?
We consulted a number of therapists to learn what they recommend for newly single people who perhaps aren’t so thrilled about being single.
It’s important to take time to detox and unpack your baggage
The main reason we need time after a breakup is so that we can reflect, recharge and as Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, puts it, detox.
“My rule of thumb after someone has a breakup is to have a period of detox,” says Jackson. “This is where you take time for yourself.
You do not date. You do not have flings. You do not do anything that would be contradictory to your healing process.”
The goal of this healing process is to “unpack and deal with any baggage from your previous relationship(s) before entering into another,” Jackson explains. “If you don't address those things head on, you will be bringing the same baggage, issues and drama into your [next] relationship. This is where people have a hard time understanding why the same issues keep occurring.”
Grief plays by its own rules and timelines
In addition to taking the time to detox and unpack our baggage lest we bring them into the next relationship, we also need to take time to mourn.
“The process of dealing with a breakup is comparable to grief,” says Dr. Tricia Wolanin, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist. “It's the death of a relationship, hopes and dreams for the future. The person we are losing was [a big part of] our world and therefore has taken up so much of our mental and heart space.
”
Jackie Krol, LCSW, notes that every person grieves and heals at their own pace, while Elena Jackson, LPC, finds that how we respond to “failure, rejection and abandonment” also plays a role in the mourning process.
Because grief is so subjective and the issues we leave a relationship with are so varied, it’s impossible to slap a definitive timetable on how long it will take before we’re over a breakup.
“There are some schools of thought out there that say you should be single twice as long as you were in a relationship. Or at least the same amount of time," says Kisha Walwyn-Duquesnay, LPC-S. "But there really is no magic number. You should take as much time as you need to heal, and that’s different for everyone.”
Other factors, like how long you were together and at what stage you were in your life may also play a role in your healing timeline.
“For example, a one year, long-distance relationship for a 21-year-old, may not need as much recovery time as six year, cohabiting relationship for a 34-year-old,” says Walwyn-Duquesnay.
Casual hookups can be more trouble than they’re worth
How much time you need will depend, but know that you will need time, and that even an ostensibly carefree hookup should be off the table for a bit.
“I advise against casual hookups because they just blur emotions,” says Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, LMFT. “[They’re] a distraction from the pain of a breakup.”
Dr. Dani Moye, Ph.D., adds that casual hookups can bring their own “emotional disruption,” stating, “It’s all about preserving yourself, energy, and sense of well-being so that you can enter the next relationship with clear focus and intentionality.”
Hopping on to Bumble for some easy fun sounds harmless, but you could end up getting stung, and then you’ve got to deal with that pain on top of the turmoil from the breakup.
Time, by itself, doesn’t heal much. Making the effort to understand what went wrong in the relationship is what heals.
Lesli Doares, LMFT
Use these exercises to help recover from a split
“Time, by itself, doesn’t heal much,” says Lesli Doares, LMFT.
“Making the effort to understand what went wrong in the relationship is what heals. This means looking at yourself as much as at your partner. Understanding your part in the patterns is what is going to make you more successful next time. Taking this time will help you get clearer on your expectations (were they realistic or not), what worked in the relationship and what didn’t, what you learned about yourself, etc.”
Here are some specific exercises you can do to help recover from the split and reorient yourself as an single person.
Spend time ‘introverting’
E. Jackson recommends “introverting”, which she defines as “using time alone to be creative, reflect and rejuvenate. When we are introverting, we are using our down time for our passions, entertainment and to rediscover the things and hobbies that we may have overlooked in a relationship.”
Do what you want to do without bending to accommodate someone else
Relationships require compromises and if you’ve been in one for a while, you may have forgotten what it’s like to do things your way.
Kara Laricks, a LGBQT+ matchmaker and date coach, encourages newly single people to reconnect with their personal preferences and habits. “Revisit the time of day you like to get up and go to sleep, eat when and where you feel like it, watch the shows you want to watch on Netflix and take your time doing the things you enjoy whether that is roaming around Target or taking yourself out to an exhibit opening,” says Laricks.
Let the sadness and anger rise and share it with your support system
“We have to allow the sadness to arise, to let the tears come,” says Dr. Wolanin. “Share this with your support system. Allow yourself to cry and get it out. There may be moments of anger: take time to yell, dance it out, paint, journal, run, create a fiery playlist [and just] do whatever you need to do to release this. Opt for therapy if needed.”
Do things that make you feel good about yourself
A breakup can take a toll on our self-esteem, so spend this alone time doing things that make you feel good about yourself.
“If you love yourself and enjoy your own company, then you can pick from a higher quality pool of potential partners,” says Beth Sonnenberg, LCSW. “Conversely, people who don’t have good self-esteem and don’t think they deserve better often wind up in abusive or unhealthy relationships.”
Connect with the things that made you so easy to fall in love with
“I think sometimes couples fall into a routine of sleepovers, brunches, movies, dinners, gym [and so on], and while all these activities are a normal part of building a life with someone, you kind of lose yourself in the relationship,” says Kat Haselkorn, a matchmaker and relationship expert. “Spend enough time by yourself to figure out what makes you special so someone else has a reason to fall in love with you all over again.”
Notice your emotional reactivity when thinking of your ex
“Process through the stages of grief and [aim for] more moments of acceptance than moments of pain when you think about the relationship that has ended,” says Dea Dean, LPC. “Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance don’t occur in order and don’t last for a set amount of time. Someone could move in and out of different stages in a matter or minutes, days or months. The best rule of thumb is to notice your emotional ‘reactivity’ when you think about your ex, and if you’re clear enough to acknowledge the good and the bad about the relationship and simultaneously acknowledge your worth of a new relationship, you’re likely ready to move on.”
Don’t feel heaviness over your ex? You might be ready to date again
This even-tempered clarity when it comes to thinking about your ex, is, as Dean notes, one good way to know you’re ready to date again.
Dr. Wolanin says that you can also tell you’re ready for a new relationship when “the heaviness” of your last one isn't there anymore, and “you have more mental space to think of other things outside of this one person. [You can] create new memories, develop new hobbies and focus on you. This is when you can begin to know you are healed, and can begin dating again in a healthy way. ”
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How to survive a breakup - Lifehacker
Why you feel bad from a scientific point of view
At the very beginning of a relationship, oxytocin and dopamine are produced in the brain. When a partner is nearby and everything is fine, the reward system turns on and a whole cocktail of hormones is released into the blood. And we think we are happy.
After parting, the reward system ceases to work, the body begins to break down. The stress hormones produced affect the immune, digestive, and cardiovascular systems. nine0005
The systems that are responsible for the perception of pain are also activated. That is why it seems to the brain that we are physically hurt, although in fact everything is in order with the body.
How to survive a breakup
Allow yourself to suffer
Yes, that's right. There is no need to artificially invigorate. I want to cry - cry. If you want to scream - scream (just don't forget about the neighbors who can hear you). Sing sad songs in the shower. Watch TV serials.
You will be told that everyone is breaking up and there is no need to make a tragedy out of this. Don't listen or try to hide the pain. No one knows what's in your heart but you. If it hurts, let it hurt. Cry until the tears run out, until you feel better, or at least until the devastation sets in. nine0005
Your strength will return, but it will take time. Each person has their own time.
Don't blame yourself
The decision to break up doesn't come overnight. And not even for a month. Most often, it is accompanied by a long process of reflection.
The reasons can be very different. But that doesn't mean you missed something somewhere. This means that both of you have long begun to lose contact.
Responsibility always lies with both, although not always equally. It is not necessary to calculate who is more to blame. Look to the future and don't repeat your mistakes. nine0005
Don't blame yourself. Yes, you could get irritated less often or demand less. But the partner could talk to you about it.
Do not try to return your partner
If it seems to you that there is nothing left in life and you need to return everything, stop. Fear speaks to you.
It's scary to be alone after a long relationship. And this is a completely normal reaction.
Do not give in to fear. Don't try to get your ex back with humiliated requests.
Even if he returns, nothing good will come of such a relationship. nine0005
Get down to business
When the first sharp pain is over, go where you couldn't or didn't have time to go together. Watch movies that you liked but your ex didn't. Think about a hobby abandoned during a relationship.
Do things you would never do together. This will allow you to feel a freedom that was not there before.
In many cities dance, drawing, clay modeling, knitting or metal burning studios are now open. Trial lessons are often free. Why not try? In the worst case, you will lose an hour. At best, you will find a job that you love with all your heart. nine0005
Get moving
Immediately after a breakup, many people lose weight because they can starve for days on end. But when the resources of the body are completely depleted, the appetite wakes up and the weight begins to grow.
At the same time, you want not just to eat, but to seize a bad mood with high-carbohydrate foods: pizza, ice cream, chocolate.
If at the same time you move a little, the weight will grow even faster.
Therefore, you need to move, even if only minimally.
Make a list of good things
Do you think the world has faded and nothing good is left? This is not true. Your brain simply reacts to stress, and one day the black bar will end.
In the meantime, make a list of the good things you have. Work, friends, books, a collection of stamps or favorite cups, the taste of hot coffee in the morning, the smell of freshly cut grass, shopping - whatever brings you joy.
Add items to the list regularly, and when it gets really bad, re-read.
Change of scenery
If everything around reminds you of a former partner, you should think about changing the situation. Can't leave? Rearrange, buy new curtains or dishes. Changing the color scheme will help you tune in a different way.
Experiment.
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Chat with friends
You can talk to them, they will support you in difficult times. But do not forget about their feelings, ask before talking about the breakup. Perhaps at this very moment your friend is not ready to listen to you or ready, but not able to give advice. nine0005
Sophia Enikeeva
psychologist, coach
You don't need to communicate with those people who will aggravate your emotional state with phrases like "I told you, it's my own fault." As soon as you find something that can bring you relief, and those people who will support you, immediately start using this resource.
And don't forget to listen and support your friends in return.
Do 5 Exercises
The exercises recommended by psychologist Daphne Rose Kingma in her book How to Get Over a Breakup will help you understand why things happened the way they did.
The main thing is to take them only when the first pain subsides. Otherwise, they can make things worse. nine0005
You can print on the computer or take a separate notebook. The second option has an advantage: the paper can be symbolically torn or burned after the exercises are completed.
Do not do exercises in succession. Take on the next one when the emotions subside. Do not try to unsubscribe: this is not an essay that needs to be completed and handed in as soon as possible. No one but you will see what you write.
1. Return to the roots
Briefly tell us about your acquaintance, first date, the beginning of a stormy romance, the time when you just got together. Describe exactly what hopes you had for your ex-partner. nine0005
Now focus on the "evidence" - something that even then foreshadowed problems. It could be some physical or psychological trait.
2.
Describe how your relationship developed
First of all, tell us about what happened in your life outside of the relationship. Describe your status at that time. Have you ever been single or have you dreamed of falling in love? Or maybe you were in a relationship with another person? What did you want to achieve? What to experience? nine0005
Describe what you could offer your partner and what he or she could offer you.
Now describe how and when the "evidence" appeared. What did you feel?
Imagine that a movie is being made about your relationship. What name would you give it? You can describe the poster and come up with a synopsis of the story.
Tell us the real reason for your breakup. Is this reason related to the task of developing you or your partner?
Daphne Rose Kingma
psychologist, writer
A few examples: “I outgrew my need for a mommy”, “I finally understood my strengths”, “We raised children”, “We were connected only by sex, it was not enough”.
3. Analyze the gap
Mentally return to the turning point. When did you realize that something inside clicked and hurt? If you were not the initiator of the gap, then this happened later. Describe your feelings at that moment.
Make a list of reasons why your relationship would still fail. nine0005
Write a poison letter to your ex. Freely express your repressed emotions in it, whether it be pain, rage or anger.
Now describe your feelings of guilt. You can self-flagellate as much as you like - the paper will endure everything.
Remember that there are two manifestations of guilt. The first has to do with self-flagellation. The second is a real confession of guilt for some actions. Remember the times when you manipulated, said nasty things, tried to make your ex-partner angry. nine0005
This is unpleasant, but it will help you recognize your shortcomings and get rid of them.
Now write a confession letter to your former partner.
You do not need to show him or her what you have written - this is done only for you. Admitting mistakes frees you from guilt.
Finally, write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. You have done a great job and deserve forgiveness from the most important person in your life - yourself.
4. Describe all the good things that this relationship gave you
Try writing a thank you note to an ex or ex.
5. Reassess reality
Invent a new role for your ex.
Describe the task you are currently facing. What do you want from the future? How do you see your new partner?
Daphne Rose Kingma
psychologist, writer
Regardless of how people feel about their breakup, whether they understand that they are still in anguish and confusion, whether they are convinced that they will never be able to come to terms with a breakup, they all left after classes with the feeling that they managed to rise to a more conscious level of perception.
nine0005
See a psychologist or psychotherapist
Pain after a breakup is normal. But if it doesn't go away, you may be depressed. If you do not eat all day or, on the contrary, overeat, if you are depressed and everything falls out of your hands, if you think slowly and do not move at all, it's time to think about a visit to a psychotherapist.
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Do's and Don'ts to get over a breakup
Don't look for casual sex
It probably won't help, and you'll feel even worse than before. The desire to have sex is generated by withdrawal. The brain lacks oxytocin, and so we look for someone to comfort us.
Not convinced? Then at least don't get drunk before a date. Alcohol is a depressant. So instead of an enchanting orgasm, you will only get resentment towards the former and a feeling of guilt, and the next morning you will also have a hangover.
nine0005
And remember about contraception.
Do not bully or blackmail
Emotional blackmail is often used by the person who has been dumped. The goal is to make the former partner feel guilty and uncomfortable. If the former partner really feels guilty, then he will not answer and besiege you when necessary.
Why can't you do that? Because it's low.
Do not start a relationship immediately after a breakup
Some people try to forget their former partner in this way. Sometimes it works. Sometimes new relationships are strong. But more often than not, they only make things worse. The patch won't help when you need stitches. nine0005
Don't force mutual friends to take sides
Don't give ultimatums in the first place. People don't like it.
If your former partner was abusive, mistreated or violent, and your friends still associate with him and take his side, consider whether you need such friends.
Read also 👀
- 12 mistakes after a breakup that will turn your life into a nightmare
How to forget your ex-partner
Remove him from all social networks
After a breakup, some people begin to intensively monitor the social networks of their former passions.
Someone - in the hope of seeing signs of an imminent return: "In the last photo, she is sad because she misses me." Someone - out of gloating: "How he got burned on vacation, now, I suppose, the skin is peeling off."
Your former partner has a different life now. And if you see posts about her in your feed, it can be hard for you. So clean up the tape. It will also be useful to delete all correspondence. nine0005
Sofia Enikeeva
psychologist, coach
And don't give secret (as you think) signals about yourself. Do not post photos, statuses, quotes like "I'm hard to find and easy to lose" and so on. Realize that the more time and energy you spend on an ending relationship, the more you get stuck in it.
Return all things and gifts to him
Just so that nothing reminds him of the past. This is difficult if you have lived together for a long time and bought a lot together. But without reminders, you can get over the breakup faster. nine0005
If he or she doesn't want to take his things, give them to someone or throw them away.
You can even break. There is a chance that it will become a little easier.
How to stay friends
You don't have to keep a good relationship if you don't want to. Even if you have several common children or apartments. Only you can decide how to proceed with your ex. Listen to yourself, not to others.
If you still decide to remain friends, that's fine. Let it be hard. nine0005
Respect each other
This is the most important thing. If you feel like saying something not very nice, try holding back.
Take a deep breath, or several if necessary. Think about why emotions have become so strong and why they are so hard to contain. When you find the reason, it becomes easier.
When you're both ready, it's time to talk about the relationship and why it ended.
Keep your distance
As hard as it is, you are no longer together. We need to learn to find new boundaries in relationships with each other, and this takes time. nine0005
If a former partner feels guilty, he may try to help you as before.
Do not encourage this and sit on his neck.
Remember that life does not end with relationships. And even if it seems that there is no gap, if you are tormented by guilt, do not despair. Once you lived without your partner, which means you can again.
Parting is the beginning of a new life. It gives you the opportunity to grow above yourself, become more conscious and happier.
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- 16 tips for anyone in a relationship
- How to deal with the pain of a breakup: 9 tips
- 2 rules that will change your love life forever
- How to survive after a divorce: advice for women
How to survive a breakup - advice from a psychologist
- Two types of relationships
- Causes of neurotic love
- The Five Consequences of Breaking Up
- How to help yourself nine0075 How to get over a breakup
- Psychologist's advice
Healthy and neurotic relationships
Breaking up a relationship is always stressful and difficult to deal with.
Moreover, a gap can occur both in healthy relationships and in neurotic ones. Breaking up a healthy relationship is easier. In such cases, the couple is usually in dialogue, this decision does not become a bolt from the blue. Most often, the decision to leave is made together, the partners are prepared for changes in life, everyone is confident in their abilities, expects the best from the future and is adapted to a new life. Of course, even if the decision was balanced, it takes time to emotionally, physically and from the everyday point of view to separate from the partner, to adjust to a new rhythm. And yet, in this case, all this is experienced as something that can be overcome and lived on. nine0005
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The rupture of neurotic relationships is more difficult. In this case, within the union there was no practice of confidential communication, an open dialogue, where partners frankly express their will and desires. Often partners do not even really know each other, do not seek to understand the motives and feelings of a partner.
If the breakup and separation come as a surprise, it is highly likely that it was a neurotic relationship.
In this situation, the one who did not make the decision to leave is going through a difficult and traumatic experience. This can exacerbate chronic psychological trauma, which will “finish off” a person already exhausted by a break. Fortunately, this experience can become a turning point in understanding yourself and your needs, pathological attitudes and broken schemes in the field of love (and not only) relationships.
Causes of neurotic relationships
Neurotic love, like toxic relationships, originates in childhood and reflects relationships with parents. For example, if a child suffered from the coldness of his parents, it is likely that in adulthood he will look for the same partner. His ideas about love and relationships are associated with detachment, so the colder the better. nine0005
Another example: it is not uncommon for depressed parents (or one of them) to instill guilt in the child.
This happens automatically and sometimes without the parents realizing that the child is constantly suffering from the fact that he cannot make mom or dad happy. Such a child will look for a partner who is difficult to please.
Neurotic relationships differ from healthy ones in that, firstly, the partner “loves” through suffering, because, unfortunately, he has no experience of relationships in which everyone is satisfied and happy. He loves those who do not value him, repels and brings pain. Such relationships are based on the fact that a person revisits the cinema of the past over and over again: despite the fact that his partner is cold, nevertheless they are together, which means that it is similar to what happened to him in childhood - in his understanding, this and there is love that he associates with any kind of suffering, just not to be abandoned. nine0005
Therefore, when such a person is abandoned by a partner in adult life, the picture of his childhood, in which he was not noticed, did not share warmth with him and did not pay due attention, comes to life.
The biggest fear of his childhood came true - he was abandoned after all. The suffering that arises in response is chronic trauma. They are so painful that they do not allow you to look at this situation differently and benefit from it, for example, recognize the previous relationship as destructive, draw conclusions and still find that person who will honestly love in return. nine0005
© chuttersnap/Unsplash
Defense reactions of the psyche
If the separation has led to the revival of old sores, the psychological defense mechanisms will be the first thing to stabilize the mental state.
- Negative
“No, this will pass and we will be together again!” A person who uses denial will selflessly look for signs that he is right. For example, a woman can persuade herself that even though her partner left her, he did not leave for another, which means that he does not love anyone and will soon return back. nine0076 - Displacement
An abandoned partner can tell himself: “Nothing terrible happened, it will hurt and be forgotten.
” However, this pain can drag on for several years and become chronic. Those who manage to repress unpleasant experiences may not pay attention to internal discomfort and unhappiness, as they have become accustomed to this as their usual state. - Regression
This psychological defense mechanism can induce a person to tantrums - a primitive form of removing responsibility for what is happening. Or, on the contrary, regressing, a person can literally freeze: emotions, as well as will, appetite, desire to live, disappear. A depressive period may begin. nine0076 - Sublimation
Well known to those who tend to overlook unpleasant experiences. By sublimating, a person can completely go into work or any other activity that helps to forget and not think about the traumatic event. - Acute reactions, aggression towards others and self-aggression
If the tension in the psyche is great, it will look for a way out, for example, in the form of sharp reactions: aggressive attacks, a tough style of communication (for example, at work or driving), angry posts on social networks, frequent sexual contacts that carry a feeling of disappointment, leaving in alcohol and drugs.
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All these mechanisms work unconsciously, that is, they manifest themselves not by the will and desire of a person, but automatically. The mind may say that drinking is bad, but the suffering can be so unbearable that any method that allows you to slightly raise the pain threshold becomes suitable.
There is another defense that is at the level of consciousness, which can be controlled and used at the right time. This is the so-called psychological compensation , which is expressed in adaptive behavior. For example, in order not to meet with the former, they block him in the phone book, social networks, and avoid meeting. There is also a reverse situation: in order to better navigate what is happening and get the most complete picture, a recent partner is placed in the field of view. Behind this, there may be a desire to clarify everything to the smallest detail and once again make sure that "this is really happening."
Whatever type of defense works, you need to remember that this is a natural reaction to severe stress and any psychological defense performs an important function - to protect the psyche from destruction.
It is important that after the defense stage, the mourning phase begins, when the fact that everything is over and you can mourn your pain is recognized - this is a natural process when working through the loss of a relationship with a loved one. nine0005
© Ben Blennerhassett/Unsplash
Helping Yourself
Breaking up a relationship is a big mental burden. We don’t just say “heart breaks” or “soul hurts” - the body is actually going through a serious psycho-physiological stress. The cardiovascular system, digestion, hormones, sleep and ability to rest, the natural rhythm of day and night, all come under attack.
During difficult changes in life, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state for yourself, and, if possible, help yourself: eat fully, get enough sleep, do exercises to relieve stress, eat those foods that give strength and do not burden the body . nine0005
How to tell a healthy relationship from a toxic one: 5 red flags
It's fair to say that not all stages of stress can be done at all.
Sometimes lying flat and staring at the wall is the best thing you can do to help yourself. Take care of yourself whenever possible - take time off from work and order take-out instead of cooking. Try to prepare for yourself the space and time where you can fully surrender to your experiences.
In order for the process of loss to proceed without complications and to end, it is very important to honestly go through all its stages. After the first wave of shock subsides, the stage of aggression begins, interspersed with rationalization - the desire to talk to the partner again and again and thus improve the state of affairs (the so-called bargaining stage). These steps can take varying amounts of time and, unfortunately, it is not possible to predict their duration.
One of the last stages is depression - not so acute, but a stable condition. It is easy to recognize it by a breakdown, dulled feelings and reactions, inability to enjoy, sleep and appetite disorders. Despite the difficult course, this is a very important period that prepares us for the final resolution of the situation - the stage of acceptance and the end of mourning.
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Unfortunately, there are no recipes for shortening the most painful stage, but to ease the condition, allow yourself to do whatever you want. If you want to leave - try to do it, if you want to lock yourself in the apartment - try to take sick leave. Do not neglect the help of others, but set the limits of what is permitted: tell your family and friends how they can be useful to you and how closely you are ready to communicate now. Ask not to discuss certain topics with you, not to arrange surprises for you to “stir up” and so on. Openly tell them what you need: from domestic to emotional needs. Your sincerity will help set up communication with friends and relatives, who, unfortunately, do not always know how to behave correctly in such situations. nine0005
© Jorge Flores/Unsplash
How to survive a breakup with a loved one
Disrupted communication is one of the main reasons that partners move away from each other and cease to adequately assess the state of affairs.
To prevent this, pay attention to whether there is a reticence between you and your partner, silence of any feelings or facts, or maybe someone in your couple expects his thoughts to be read, and thus avoids responsibility ? Silence, ignorance, as well as references to social standards and generalizations ("You're a man!" or "A wife should...") destroy trust and intimacy. Features of your unique relationship can be replaced by “life principles” and public opinion about how everything “should be”, which prevents you from following a special scenario that is suitable for your couple. nine0005
How and why to repair broken relationships
Properly built communication depends not only on the degree of closeness and honesty to each other (and to oneself), but also the style of conflict resolution. Family therapy is based on this idea: starting it, partners learn safe ways to express their desires, suffering, fears, learn to enter into conflict and resolve it. The therapist, as a referee, observes the dialogue, leads both partners to ensure that they get the result and satisfaction from the interaction.
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If you feel that you no longer have the strength to explain what is happening between you, take a few sessions of couples therapy . It will quickly become clear whether you need to continue working on the relationship or whether to stop it. It is important to remember that the therapist does not choose sides and will not support the game of one of the partners to the detriment of the other. The therapist acts as an interpreter between two people who, for some reason, began to speak different languages. nine0005
How to avoid a destructive scenario in the future - advice from a psychologist needed.
Neurotic or toxic relationships are different in that they are used to reduce the degree of personal neuroses and work off personal problems. If both partners coincided in neuroses, the union can be stable and strong. For example, someone for whom it is important to exercise control in relation to the closest person meets someone who gladly accepts this control due to their own childhood traumas.
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Another case is when one of the partners does not need to work out the pathological scenario and still meets a less stable person and serves as a constant source of relaxation and recharging for him. Then a person who becomes a testing ground for working off a neurosis will most likely want to give up relationships that drain him.
Other roles we play in relationships can be learned from transactional analysis . The main idea of this method is that each of us in different life situations takes the position of a child, parent or adult. Knowing your patterns of behavior, you can adjust the attitudes and inadequate expectations from the relationship. This is important, since a full-fledged and multifaceted strong union is possible when two "adults" meet who know their needs, boundaries and their weaknesses. Knowing these weaknesses allows you not to provoke situations where they can manifest themselves to the detriment of the couple. nine0005
All this may seem rather complicated, but in reality, in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, it is not at all necessary to store a store of knowledge in theoretical psychology.
