Define self pity

Almost every one of us sooner or later urgently needs sympathy, feels like a victim of circumstances and hardly accepts unexpected changes in life. A moderate amount of such emotions is not dangerous. This is a completely natural state when accepting a new one and healing spiritual wounds. However, sometimes we get carried away by our own victim consciousness and begin to sabotage ourselves.

Do you tend to feel sorry for yourself? Below is a list of signs that will help determine if you are predisposed to this condition.

1. You feel like you are not successful and have no potential.

Self-pity manifests itself in a feeling of helplessness and even worthlessness. Through such a prism, the smallest mistake can seem like a real failure. As a rule, feelings of guilt and weakness are not released for a long time, which causes great damage to self-esteem. nine0005

2. You are few and rarely happy.

People whose consciousness is clouded by self-pity become melancholic, stop enjoying life, including laughing at themselves. Their sense of humor seems to be dulled, lightness disappears and deep seriousness shines through in everything.

3. You often feel like a victim of a situation.

The role of the victim is one of the clear signs of self-pity. In all your troubles, someone is always to blame, or circumstances will certainly develop against you. This condition is highly toxic. Losing faith in the ability to control the situation, you completely give up before the far-fetched force of circumstances. nine0005

4. It seems to you that you are stuck in a series of difficulties and problems.

This state is akin to a comfort zone. However, the victim is in extremely uncomfortable, but at the same time stable conditions and does not want to change anything. This way of perceiving reality makes it impossible for any development, correction of the situation for the better.

5. You are dependent on the sympathy and compassion of others.

The support of loved ones in difficult moments of life is necessary for everyone. However, some become truly addicted to such outpourings. They literally feed emotionally by telling others about how difficult they are experiencing this or that event. nine0005

6. You tend to revisit events from the past.

And finally, the last sign of a predisposition to experience self-pity is living with an eye to the past, that is, an unwillingness to let go of the past, a tendency to sort out long-past events and analyze them.

American therapist and spirituality specialist Deepak Chopra believes that self-pity is directly related to the feeling that we are not good enough, that others are able to make more thoughtful and correct decisions. In other words, we are talking about low self-esteem. Without influential and wise mentors, we feel inner weakness, we blame external circumstances or other people for our misfortunes. How can one not take such a passive position and not get lost in all-consuming self-pity? nine0005

1. Develop as a person

Constant spiritual and personal growth will help enrich your inner world and increase self-esteem. To stimulate personal growth, read inspiring literature and attend seminars on topics such as "personal integrity", "belief in yourself", "accepting responsibility", "the path to success" and others. Other things that can help boost self-esteem are regular exercise, proper nutrition, meditation, and new hobbies that expand your social circle. Becoming a strong personality does not happen in a day or two. It is a process that takes effort and time. But trust me, it's worth it: once you look back, you'll be amazed at your transformation. nine0005

2. Take action

What if you have already felt the surging emotions of sadness and felt like a victim of circumstances? Try to understand the cause of internal discomfort. Let's say someone from the inner circle again treated you dismissively. Instead of complaining and worrying, correct this situation and do it as quickly as possible. Alternatively, talk to the offender, talk about your feelings and give them a chance to make amends. Or you can firmly decide that this relationship no longer suits you, because it has become too toxic, and simply end it. The main thing is to act quickly, with a positive attitude and with an eye on your fundamental values. nine0005

3. Discuss your situation with people you trust

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, "There are no facts, only interpretations. " If your condition has become deeply depressed and your thoughts are clouded, it makes sense to seek help from another person. It could be a friend whose opinion you trust. Or a specialist psychologist, if you are embarrassed to discuss your problems with someone close to you. There is a chance that another person will help you see the situation in a new way, give advice. The main thing is to regain control over your life and say goodbye to the role of a powerless victim of circumstances. nine0005

4. Help others

One way to overcome self-pity is to be a part of the life of someone who really needs it. It could be volunteering at a homeless animal shelter, helping out at a nursing home, or simply paying a courtesy call to a colleague who is in the hospital. By helping others, you will turn your attention away from your problems and realize the power to change the world for the better. Once you regain your self-confidence, you will certainly begin to see life in a more positive light. nine0005

5. Read inspirational quotes every day

It's amazing how these short but capacious statements can change our attitude to difficult situations. We at How to Green love inspirational quotes and often share our findings with you. Get a collection of quotes and randomly open it to one of the pages every morning. Consider the chosen statement as your motto. This simple trick will add positivity and set the right tone for even the most difficult day. nine0005

Self-pity is a form of selfishness and the strongest destructive habit. If you succumb to it, it is easy to lose all control over your life. The result is even greater disappointment and pain. Is this what you want for yourself? We are sure not. Of course, anything can happen: life is unpredictable, and it is not forbidden to cry and be sad. It is only important to take a breath in time and continue on your way. And how your fate will turn out depends entirely on you. nine0005

Tags: control over emotions self-control self improvement psychology

Pity: is there anything good in it?

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Know yourself Loneliness

Unfortunately, there are a lot of claims on the Internet. A superficial search immediately gave such thoughts. “Pity humiliates those you pity. Pity does not bring any progress and does not help anyone. Instead of regretting, it is better to really help a person, sometimes this help seems tough ... like a slap in the face during a tantrum, but it is necessary. Pity encourages a person to be further weak and only whine: “how poor and unhappy I am.” nine0005

“Pity is a form of discomfort, often taking the form of condescending compassion. The object of pity is perceived as “pathetic”, that is, humiliated in his unfortunate position, but at the same time valuable.” “Pity is a humiliating feeling: both humiliating the one who pities, and the one who is pitied.” And as a result: "Pity is the most terrible feeling that you can feel for a person."

What is called, they arrived. Pity began to be erected to the word "sting" and correlated with "sting". Then what shall we call a man who knows no pity? Ruthless. I do not like? And why, if pity is the most terrible feeling, discomfort and humiliation? You can also throw away the same-root “regret”, “take pity” and “sorry”. nine0005

For me, pity is closely related to physical touch, light strokes, hugs. When my daughter, having fallen off a bicycle, cries from pain or resentment, clutching at her skinned knees, my heart shrinks precisely from pity, and this pity requires a touch, the warmth of the presence of another near at the moment when a loved one is hurt and he is helpless.

Is this feeling uncomfortable? No. Pity is an emotional response to another's helplessness when they don't have the resources to cope

When we feel that a person who is suffering has the resources to overcome it, then we can sympathize with him. But not always at the moment of suffering a person has a resource, and pity makes it possible to borrow someone else's, to feel the strength of another nearby, when there are no one's own strengths.

A person becomes "miserable" not out of pity. What does "pathetic" mean? Dictionaries are dominated by such characteristics: miserable, despicable, insignificant. If you feel sorry for a crying baby who has lost something important or pinched his finger, are you doing this because he is miserable, despicable or insignificant? Is he sorry? Or do you disguise "unworthy" pity for the child with detached "I sympathize" or "I sympathize"? nine0005

One day we were walking home as a family and a puppy followed us. Obviously homeless, he ran, yapping funny, wagging his tail and trying to look into his eyes: they say, maybe you can take me with you, huh? The daughters got excited, and I was very sorry for this baby, but dogs or any other pets were not included in my plans. So we went on, and he ran after - quite a long time, I must say ... Another thing is that I did not translate my pity into the action of “taking it home with me”, because I was not ready to take care of him all his life. nine0005

So, pity is a feeling directed at someone who is currently experiencing suffering and does not feel the resources to cope with it himself. Pity can be a quick response to sudden pain (hit hard, cut, fall). It is clear that more often this feeling arises in connection with children and animals, but any adult at some point can be stranded, like a fish on land, and be unable to jump back into the water. This may be rare, but it is possible.

Pitying another, you temporarily replace yourself with a support that makes it possible to survive a moment of complete despair and hopelessness. And it is in this moment that a very fragile balance lies, the violation of which leads to the fact that pity begins to cause a lot of rejection, irritation and anger. nine0005

Have you noticed how mothers comfort their children? Someone strokes the head, back or shoulder, accompanying the actions with words of consolation - “I understand how it hurts you”, “the dog hurts, the cat hurts, but Sasha doesn’t hurt”, “it will pass soon”. And someone tells the child about his helplessness: “you are my unfortunate”, “my poor thing”, “well, why are you so clumsy”, “all like your father, bungler, born, unhappy” . ..

Feel the difference between the first and second options for consolation?

In the first case, parents help the child to live through the pain or emotion, without fixing his attention on his own “lack of resources”. This is close to regret - an experience associated with the realization of the impossibility of changing or correcting something. “You fell off your bike, it’s very unpleasant, but nothing terrible happened, now the pain will pass and everything will be all right.”

In the second case, the child is told that he is helpless, clumsy and that he is unlikely to be able to do anything better. This form of pity is often "swallowed" by a child, but it annoys adults - however, those adults who feel strong enough in themselves to cope. nine0005

You can parasitize on someone else's pity, but this is possible only on condition that both parties take an active part in this. The “helpless” demonstrates with all his might his lack of strength (a paradox, yes), and the one who regrets willingly believes that the unfortunate person really does not have any opportunities to change something. This is the basis of “love out of pity”, which, in essence, becomes love for feeling strong next to the helpless.

"I can't live without you!" is a classic manipulative phrase. But the phrase is flattering to those for whom the only way to feel valued is through nourishment from those in need. In such pity-dependence, there is no resource on the part of the “pityer”, for him the helplessness of the other (real or imaginary) is in itself a resource in order to support himself. Here there is no genuine pity as a desire to temporarily share one's strength, here there is mutual parasitism on common weaknesses. nine0005

If love is pity, then this love can only last until the moment when the "beloved" gets on his feet. "He/she would be lost without me!" - and then everything is done so that he / she could not leave, because this means the end of “love”. A person who is not ready to become a "donor" to feel someone else's "strength" will angrily brush aside "poor you, unfortunate one. "

There is also the manipulative "I'm sorry for you." This is a simple assertion of superiority over the flawed, in which there is no desire to be a support for the one you “pity”. nine0005

But self-pity is a strange experience. You are experiencing the fact of your helplessness and inability to change something, but at the same time you are trying to be your own support in this state. A vicious circle: helplessness - an attempt to support oneself - failure - an increase in helplessness and hopelessness.

In fact, you are trying to do for yourself what you would like to be done for you. Self-pity is a veiled request to others for support and help, which for some reason cannot be directly stated. Partly because of the fear of revealing one's weakness, of appearing "pathetic", partly because of the fear of being rejected. But nothing better than self-pity. nine0005

The key state for pity is the real or perceived helplessness of the other

Pity as an experience is a short-term phenomenon, associated with specific situations, enabling the one who is pityed to rely on another to restore his own resources.

Action out of pity is always the transfer of one's powers (emotional or physical) to other people, and there are situations in which this is not only possible, but also necessary, but such a state cannot be long-term. Relationships built on pity inevitably lead to mutual dependence-parasitism, when the weakness of one becomes a condition for the strength of the other. nine0005

At the positive pole of this feeling is the possibility of self-giving, the ability to be a temporary support for someone in desperate need. In the negative, it is a limitation or inhibition of the development of both other people (since everything is done for them), and one’s own: resources are not spent on one’s own life.

Pity in this inhibition is not in itself to blame, like any other "bad" feelings. It becomes an unacceptable feeling in a world in which helplessness and weakness as such, regardless of context and situation, are regarded as a shameful vice

1. Alfried Lenglet “What moves a person? Existential-analytical theory of emotions»

2. Daniel Goleman «Emotional intelligence.

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