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SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Also visit the online treatment locator.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.

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English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.

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No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

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Last Updated: 08/30/2022

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How to get rid of falling in love if feelings are not mutual and bring only disappointment?

June 22, 2022

06/22

5 minutes

48711

Updated: June 22, 2022

Updated 22.06

Falling in love is a wonderful feeling, especially when it is mutual. When two people feel sympathy for each other and the same feelings, falling in love develops into love. But when a girl does not respond to a man or, conversely, reciprocates, it is very difficult to stop feeling love. Often, you can get rid of sympathy for another person only with the help of a psychologist, because the one who waits has the hope that the partner will be able to love.

In this article, we will look at whether it is possible to get rid of the feelings of falling in love on our own and how to deal with feelings if they are not mutual.

Article content

What is love. Why does love arise
How to “kill” feelings of love in yourself if they are not mutual
FAQ
Expert opinion

What is love.

Why Love Arises

From the point of view of psychology, falling in love is a state of the body, a hormonal surge, an affective short-term enthusiastic and uncontrollable state that quickly passes. Love for a man or woman (the very feeling of love) is different from falling in love - real feelings for a person arise gradually, emotions are calmer, more constant, and not undulating. A loving person is disinterested, wants to do more for the other half (just like that, without expecting a response, actions, gifts, attention), appreciates relationships, learns to find compromises, avoids "heat of passions".

The state of amorousness, the desire for an object of adoration does not arise just like that. Attachment on a mental and physical level is affected primarily by:

Lack of attention and love from parents. Thus, a person compensates for this deficiency in adulthood
Harsh upbringing or even abuse in childhood (participants or witnesses of family conflicts often become victims of unrequited love and do not seek to leave such relationships)
Abusive past relationships (meeting a person who shows sympathy, we often perceive this as true love feelings and fall in love)
Unsatisfied need for sex in current relationships (often a woman who has cooled off towards her husband falls in love with another man, but noticing abnormal cravings and feeling guilty, she tries to drown out love and sympathy that has arisen)

low self-esteem and various complexes

Case study: Olga turned to a psychologist and fell in love with her work colleague unrequitedly. A couple of years ago, Olga was abandoned by a guy and she, having a hard time breaking up, promised herself to be the first to end the relationship so that she would no longer face rejection when you love. A few months ago, Victor, a work colleague, began to show sympathy for Olga. Olga at first did not respond to Victor's hints and suggestions, but when the courtship did not stop, she realized that she had fallen in love. After several meetings, it turned out that Victor was married and for him it was just an affair, and Olga was again left with a broken heart. To overcome falling in love, Olga decided to turn to a psychologist.

When love remains unrequited, a person feels pain, jealousy, betrayal, apathy. This can result in a real depression, therefore, in order to maintain your health, you need to try to extinguish your love.

How to "kill" feelings of love in yourself if they are not mutual

Begging for hope for love, a person does not live his own life, he is completely absorbed in the object of his love. He loses interest in life, ceases to engage in hobbies, loses concentration, becomes indifferent to everything that does not belong to the object of his passion. Such feelings are negative and gradually destroy the life of a person in love, so they need to be overcome or simply experienced.

Below are some tips for those who want to overcome non-reciprocal feelings on their own:

Analyze your feelings. What do they give you? What true needs are you trying to cover up with love for another person? How can you get these needs in another way?
Change the decor of your home or your own image. This is a great way to distract from negative thoughts and suppress the surging feelings of love.
Do not look for reasons to meet. Block contacts, delete messages from social networks, throw away gifts, photos and other things related to the person you loved.

Each person has a different period of falling in love and love. You can "suffer" for a person for a month, or you can - for several years.

4. Switch your attention to a new activity. If at this time you manage to change jobs or get an additional project, that will be great. By plunging headlong into work, you can quickly defeat falling in love.

5. Try to find fault with your partner. The idealization of a person works against you. But if you can notice something that you didn’t notice before, then it will be easier to deal with love.

6. Do not withdraw into yourself and do not sit at home. Meet friends, get to know each other, go on dates, go to the cinema, exhibitions, spend active time. Take up a new interesting hobby that you have been putting off for a long time - this is the best way to take your mind off love feelings.

7. Don't forget about exercise. Turn off the "brain" and suppress unnecessary thoughts about love will help you sport.

Sign up for an online consultation if you are unable to stop the attraction to another person on your own, you want to overcome falling in love and start living a full life. Our psychologists know how to increase self-esteem if you have been dumped, how to regain self-confidence and work through negative scenarios. Consultations are available around the clock.

FAQ

What does it mean to let go of a person and stop hoping for love?

To let go means that at the mention of this person you will not have any negative emotions - anger, jealousy, pity, resentment, betrayal. You will easily and calmly relate to any of its manifestations. At the same time, you may have positive feelings, but this will not be euphoria, but rather gratitude for the experience. It will take time to stop hoping and destroy all negativity.

How to kill feelings of love and dependence on a guy?

Love and dependence on a person are different feelings. If you have an addiction, then you can remove it in the same way as any other addiction. For example, if you want to quit smoking, you will force yourself not to smoke. In the case of falling in love, it works the same way. Eliminate any contacts and do something new for yourself.

How to suppress the feeling of love? Why can't get rid of love?

If you are unable to cope with the arisen sympathy and attraction on your own, then it is best to seek help from a psychologist. And if we talk about the nature of the emergence of love addiction, then, most often, it has a secondary benefit for us. Analyze what exactly you are holding on to, what is important for you to receive in these mutual relationships. There is a lot of necessary information here.

Expert opinion

Before you get rid of a romantic crush, you should think about "hidden motives" and your benefits. Consider also psychological characteristics and past experience. If falling in love and love prevent you from living, doing what you love, meeting friends, traveling and working, then this is an addiction, which is best worked out with a psychologist.

We publish only verified information

Article author

Monakhova Albina Petrovna clinical psychologist

Experience 17 years

Consultations 1439

Articles 263

Specialist in clinical psychology. Help in finding tools for self-realization, working out beliefs, fears and anxieties. Work with self-attitude, internal boundaries, understanding of interaction with society through conscious personal changes.

2007 - 2008 MUS Children's polyclinic No. 4 - teacher psychologist
2008 - 2009Healthy Country LLC - Clinical Psychologist
2009 - 2021 Republican Narcological Dispensary - psychologist
2012 - 2013 Occupational medicine - psychologist
2013 - 2015 LLC Vozrozhdenie - psychologist
2019 to present Teledoctor24 LLC - psychologist

Sources

... Robin Norwood Women Who Love Too Much - Good Book, 1985
... Archpriest Andrey Lorgus, Olga Krasnikova Falling in love, love, dependence. How to build family happiness - Nicaea, 2016
. .. Nikita Savelyev, Anastasia Ershova Non-reciprocal love - why do we choose those who do not choose us?

Category: Psychology

Psychological blocks

Greedy man

I love too much: how to reduce the “loudness” of my feelings?

19628

Man among men Know thyself

Infatuation, strong emotional attachment to a partner or sexual desire - all this seems to be an uncontrollable force of nature. Love is one of the most powerful feelings, and sometimes it seems that it rolls over like a tidal wave. What can we do about the tide? Nothing. So how can love be controlled? Yes and no...

Yes, because love very much depends on our thoughts (more on that below). No, and there are two reasons for this: in addition to thoughts, we have biochemical reactions that also determine feelings. Just like hunger. We cannot suppress it, but we can decide when and what to eat. The same with love: falling in love is a property of our nature, since this need serves our reproduction.

The desire to love can be equated with the need to eat and sleep. But if we cannot forbid ourselves to fall in love, then at least we can change the intensity of passions? Yes, it turns out that love can be regulated - consciously strengthen or weaken its power. A recently published 10-month long psychological study confirms that this ability maintains our "healthy mind."

University of Missouri psychologists believe that those who are able to influence the overall emotional state and the strength of their own love feelings make an important contribution to their mental health.

Love regulation is the use of behavioral and cognitive strategies to change the intensity of feelings

A survey of over 250 participants found that those who believed they could regulate and modify normal feelings, such as cheerfulness or fear, also believed they could reduce or increase love, sexual desire or affection. Some participants were even able to cognitively reframe emotionally charged situations or intense emotional states when they felt the need to do so.

They also saw in others this ability to overestimate love feelings. However, there were many such respondents who were convinced that they could not “mute” falling in love. In addition, most of the subjects did not believe that it was possible to fall in love at the touch of a button or to purposefully launch, like a starter in a car, affection and sexual desire. Psychologists believe that it is useful to build on these beliefs in order to be able to use the “regulator” of feelings in everyday life.

Strategies for everyday life

Psychologists have learned to work with "loud" emotions and feelings - anxiety, anger, fear. But what about love? Will Cupid listen to us? For example, if after a sudden breakup we manage to release painful feelings and thoughts and gradually reassess the situation, this will be much healthier than remaining in the emotionally charged state that occurs immediately after a breakup.

Or if love weakens in the process of partnership, then sooner or later the question arises: how to experience this feeling again in the same union? The range of tools is varied, ranging from working together, better managing emotional stress, paying more attention to yourself and your partner's feelings, to couples therapy. Do you think you can regulate the degree of your immersion in love? And if love is weaker than we would like? Research has shown that love fades over time and that separations, especially long ones, are one of the leading causes of divorce.

What if love is stronger than we want? For example, when one of the partners leaves and for him this is a hard-won, “brought to readiness” decision. Most often at this moment he does not have any love experiences. But they are for someone for whom the announcement of parting is like a bolt from the blue. In such situations, it would be useful to regulate love.

If you are unhappy in love and would like to weaken your feelings, turn away from your object and do not constantly think about it

Love regulation is the use of behavioral and cognitive strategies to change the intensity of feelings. Research has shown that it is possible to regulate love. It is well known that negative and positive emotions (anxiety, fear, anger, joy, delight) can be regulated both upwards and downwards through certain strategies - distraction, cognitive reappraisal and expressive suppression.

Cognitive reappraisal is considered to be an effective and adaptive strategy and involves changing the interpretation of the situation, due to which the intensity of emotions changes. Expressive suppression involves the suppression of emotions, a ban on their expression.

This is rather a socially acceptable way, but it does not alleviate our condition. Moreover, it is harmful and even dangerous. Despite the ongoing debate about whether to consider love as an emotion or not, previous research has shown that it can be regulated through cognitive reappraisal and switching attention to other significant situations, affairs, feelings.

We are looking for pluses and minuses

As the study showed, a negative attitude towards a former partner reduced the level of love for him. In another study, thinking about a loved one's bad traits, about the negative aspects of the relationship, about imagining unfavorable future scenarios with him (negative reappraisal) reduced both infatuation and attachment.

And vice versa: thinking about the pleasant features of a loved one or the good aspects of a relationship, about imagined positive scenarios for the future with him (positive reappraisal) increased attachment. Yes, consider yourself wearing rose-colored glasses. However, they were already on you at the moment of the start of love - at the stage of falling in love, when you saw only the best in the object of your passion.

Tired of high love tension? Take off your glasses and be realistic. The intensity of passion will immediately decrease. If you are unhappy in love and would like to ease your feelings, turn away from your object and don't think about it all the time. Think about what is dear to you: friends, pets, hobbies, art, travel. In this way, you can consciously allow your feelings to move in a direction that relieves pain and unpleasant experiences.

In the same way, one can regulate sexual desire by imagining or fantasizing about certain situations or focusing on the advantages and virtues of one's body, the desired sensations. In one study, men were instructed to suppress their emotional responses when watching an erotic film. As a result, they admitted that sexual arousal was reduced compared to situations in which they allowed themselves to express emotions openly.

How to numb feelings

SAMHSA’s National Helpline | SAMHSA

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SAMHSA Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator

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988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

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