How to move on from a cheater
How to cope with being cheated on
Being cheated on sucks. It’s as simple as that – but the feelings that come with it are hardly ever simple. You feel betrayed, angry, embarrassed and completely heartbroken. It can make you question everything about yourself, your relationship and your life. But we’re here to tell you that it’s going to be okay – not immediately, but definitely soon. If you’ve found yourself in this situation, our handy tips will help you cope.
Remember: you are not to blame
No matter what’s gone down, it’s never your fault that someone cheated on you. People do hurtful things for a whole bunch of reasons – and maybe your partner can explain theirs – but those reasons have nothing to do with you. It can be really hard to remember this, but it’s super-important. So, we’ll say it again: you are not to blame.
Accept that things are going to suck for a while
You’ve had a rubbish thing happen to you – it’s going to take time to heal. Breathe, and accept that things are going to suck for a while. This doesn’t mean you have to like it, or that you agree with it. It just means that you’re not going to waste time fighting something you can’t change. Instead, focus on mending your heart.
Put yourself first
The most important person in this situation is YOU, so take care of yourself. Eat your favourite foods, watch your favourite movies or indulge in your favourite activities. Try to keep yourself from getting hurt any more than you already are. Your heart is probably a bit bruised and it doesn’t need to cop any more bad treatment.
Try to keep your cool
It’s tempting to lose your chops a bit and start firing off angry texts, but take a second to chill before you do anything. It’s definitely not worth getting yourself in trouble by messing with anyone. Leave the dramatic public displays of rage for the movies; instead, let off steam at the gym, on a jog or dancing to a killer playlist.
Don’t make decisions out of fear
There’s no right choice when it comes to staying with or leaving someone who’s cheated on you – you’ve got to do what feels right for your heart. But don’t let fear make the decision for you. It’s not a good idea to stay with someone because you’re scared to be single, or to leave someone you love because you’re afraid they’ll hurt you again. Take as much time out as you need to make the choice that feels right for you.
Surround yourself with your squad
You need your best gang around you when you’re trying to deal with a broken heart. Focus on people who’ve always had your back, who’ll listen to the full story and support you in whatever you decide to do next.
Take a mini-break from socials
It can be tempting to put your FBI skills to the test and trawl through social media. But, just don’t do it. Not only that, give social media a break for a little while. You don’t have to prove you’re still living your #bestlife, and all that FOMO isn’t what you need right now.
Ask for (professional) help if you need it
Professional psychologists recommend talking to a doctor as an important part of moving on from cheating. Whether you do it together with your partner or solo, getting an expert opinion from someone outside the situation can be a game-changer for healing.
Don’t jump to conclusions
Maybe you glimpsed a text message on your partner’s phone, or heard from a friend that they were up to something at the club. If you’re getting your information secondhand, it’s probably not the whole truth – no matter how much you trust the source. Gossip has never made any situation better. If you’re concerned about something, ask your partner directly before you jump to any conclusions. Having all the right intel will set you up to handle the situation like a boss.
How to get over an ex who cheated on you
Is there any pain like that of being deceived by someone you trusted with your vagina and your heart? I don't think so.
While yes, of course, feeling sad and moping is alright for a bit, you don't wanna spend the next few years feeling les mis and pining for the person who treated your heart like it was monkey meat. Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist and couples counsellor shares her advice on how to get over a cheating ex once and for good.
1. Face up to the pain
We all have different ways of coping after a break up. Drinking to oblivion hoping you'll forget, sleeping with randoms from Tinder in an attempt to fuck the pain away, but being in denial is never going to get you anywhere.
Hilda says, "The only way to ‘get over’ a break-up or a betrayal, like any other suffering we experience in life is to fully go through it and that means letting ourselves feel and express the pain."
2. Give it time
They don't say "time's a great healer" for nothing. As cringe as it sounds (and totally like something your mum would say to you after a break up), there aren't many wounds our pal time won't heal.
"While weeks and months can dull the pain, it also allows ourselves the space and time to grieve," Hilda says. "The first step in healing from a broken heart is to engage with the pain, recognise it and acknowledge what we've lost. Only by doing that can we hope to truly and honestly move on. In failing to do this, we simply carry our heartbreak like excess baggage to our next relationship. This is why many of us feel like we are constantly rehashing the same relationship patterns, the partner changes but the roles remains the same and so the play continues."
3. Avoid viewing the relationship in retrospect as ‘all good’
No relationships are black and white, they're complicated and murky things. If you want to learn and grow from your past relationships (and heartbreak), it's really important to recognise the good and not so good, Hilda explains.
"Many people whose partner has cheated will initially cling to the belief that ‘everything was wonderful’ before the betrayal, that everything which was formerly perfect has now been ruined.
Inevitably what comes out over time is that things weren’t perfect. The client and often their partner too were trying to paper over the cracks in the relationship and now with the affair, things have imploded."
4. Avoid viewing the relationship in retrospect as ‘all bad’
It's the easiest thing in the world to go hell for leather, telling anyone who'll listen that your cheating ex is a lying scumbag who's worth less than the mouldy chewing gum on your shoe. But this isn't a healthy way to move on, Hilda says, and the reason why we do it is partly due to denial.
"It stems from a reluctance to want to feel their pain and hoping that they can convince themselves that they never really loved their cheating partner anyway. However, the heart only ‘feels’, it cannot understand nor be taken in by these words we try and deceive ourselves with. Also, by trying to convince ourselves that our ex and the relationship was awful anyway, we are merely undermining ourselves and our life choices.
If we truly believe we were in an ‘all bad’ relationship with an ‘all bad’ partner, what does that say about our ability to make choices that are good for us?"
5. Don't make sweeping statements (like 'all men cheat')
Thinking you're not alone in your pain can be truly comforting, especially believing what has happened to you, happens to everyone. That's not the case though, Hilda explains.
"Just because you’ve been cheated on once it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again. It takes time to learn to trust again that’s for sure. But the reality is most men don’t cheat. A huge body of research into infidelity indicates that a similar proportion of women and men cheat in relationships."
6. Don't spend too long in 'victim mode'
Having a bloody good bitch and moan with another person who's been cheated on can feel really great at first, but it's not a good idea Hilda says.
"It can be tempting to find yourself drawn to women who have been hurt in a similar way.
It’s perfectly natural. However, to spend too long in victim mode isn’t healthy. Many people can become defined by what’s happened to them – what’s been done to them - and this is not conducive to growth or moving on."
7. Get yourself a good therapist or mentor ASAP
There's no shame in seeking professional help if you find yourself locked in a cycle of rehashing the relationship and reliving the hurt of it all, months on.
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"Find a good therapist, or if you know someone who has endured a bad break up or betrayal in the past but is now moving on positively with their lives, you could spend more time with them, being curious about what helped them to move on," Hilda says.
8. Don’t blame yourself
Naturally, we like to blame ourselves for what we see as 'failures' in relationships. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Hilda says.
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"Perhaps you feel that the reason your partner had an affair was that you weren’t there, you got distracted, you no longer made an effort for them.
It’s important to remember that a relationship is ‘co created’. If things had gotten stale before the affair, then that’s down to both of you. Self blame is never productive."
9. But do take responsibility
Taking responsibility can be productive if you want to move on. Hilda explains:
"When I work with couples who are on the point of breaking up after one of them has cheated, it's important to look at where they both failed to invest in the relationship. This is delicate work as the person who has been betrayed feels that the other is the one who has done the ultimate wrong. Interestingly, once the person who had the affair truly and fully ‘owns’ their wrongdoing in a heartfelt way, it can lead to a softening on the other side and sometimes even an admission of regret for certain aspects of their own behaviour.
"This can be hugely healing. No matter what the circumstances are around a break up, if we are to grow and learn from the relationship and break up, we need to look at our own part in it.
This shouldn’t turn into self blame though. Relationships are tough for most of us, so approach this self enquiry gently with a desire to learn rather than to self blame."
10. Channel your energy
Chances are, now you're not spending most of your time with your (now) ex, you've got a lot more space to explore your own shit. You do you, Hilda says.
"It's possible to harness the hurt and the pain into something positive. Use the time you might suddenly have at your disposal to allow yourself to do the things you'd refrained from during it. You'll suddenly felt liberated to start shining the light on yourself, especially if you've been playing a supporting role to your partner for a long time.
"Be determined to use the immense energy and emotion passing through you to find momentum and drive to push your own goals forward. While the sadness can be very present, the months after a break up can trigger possibly the most productive and inspiring time in your life."
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Paisley Gilmour Sex & Relationships Editor Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.
Named ways to get rid of phone scammers
Russians daily pester calls from telemarketers advertising services, or scammers pretending to be bank employees. Roskachestvo told how you can minimize the damage from such calls and protect your wallet.
In 2019, fraudsters called at least a third of Russians, and in the first half of 2020, the total number of crimes related to cards and transfers increased by 600%, Roskachestvo reported . This means that not all subscribers can recognize fraudulent calls and protect themselves. However, there are several ways to help minimize these risks.
“People with old phone numbers that have been in use for several years suffer the most from scam calls, because they managed to get into several different bases used by scammers at once.
These databases are replenished, among other things, because of ourselves: we easily give our mobile number many times in order to receive various services and to register on sites.
It's no secret that databases with contacts roam the Internet from hand to hand, they are periodically "drained", and therefore do not be surprised if an unknown person suddenly calls you, introduces himself as an employee of a bank or a well-known organization and calls you by name. This does not mean at all that the call is not a fake,” said Ilya Loevsky, deputy head of Roskachestvo.
According to experts, protecting yourself from scam calls is not that difficult.
The easiest way is to block calls from hidden numbers, which is built into many Android smartphones. If the subscriber uses an iOS device, then this operating system has a separate function "Mute Unknown", which prohibits calls from strangers.
In addition, mobile operators will help protect you from scammers.
The Big Four, which includes Beeline, MegaFon, MTS and Tele2, have services that limit calls from unwanted contacts. Some of them are paid, which must be taken into account when connecting them.
Among other things, special software can also handle the subscriber protection function. There are a large number of applications that help determine the caller's number by finding it in special databases that are updated by the users themselves.
“To date, identifiers have been very successful in recognizing the telemarketing of banks and MFIs, as well as robots and scammers that have already been noticed and entered into the database,” Roskachestvo says.
It is recommended to use only those applications whose developers are large trusted companies.
“The Center for Digital Expertise of Roskachestvo will publish more detailed information about the information security of caller ID applications later in 2020. Such programs make life much easier for users, but their choice should be approached very carefully, because you provide access to your data,” said Anton Kukanov, head of the Center for Digital Expertise of Roskachestvo.
Russians constantly receive calls, if not from scammers, then from various organizations that are trying to swindle money from citizens under various pretexts, Pavel Myasoedov, partner and director of the Intellectual Reserve company, confirmed in an interview with Gazeta.Ru.
“Sometimes these calls happen regularly and then you really just have to block unknown numbers. In this regard, Roskachestvo gave quite comprehensive recommendations. You can also blacklist phone numbers of banks or organizations immediately after their next call. This reduces the number of unwanted calls and gradually becomes less and less,” Myasoedov recommends.
In addition, you should generally be suspicious of any call from an unknown number, do not agree to the next "attractive" conditions for buying something and do not go to "free" massages or beauty treatments.
“In times of crisis, the number of fraudsters and various criminal schemes grows exponentially. And all of them are based on the use of the main human flaw - greed.
Therefore, they promise something “for free”, “with a huge discount”, “only for you” and “only today”. Free cheese only happens in a mousetrap, and it’s better not to fall into it,” the expert concluded.
how to get rid of fraudulent calls and spam
Home » Archive " News " » Roskachestvo: how to get rid of fraudulent calls and spam
Beware, a scammer is calling you!
What are digital financial assets (DFAs)
In 2019, at least a third of Russians were called by fraudsters, and in the first half of 2020, the total number of crimes related to cards and transfers increased by 600%. This suggests that every person using a mobile phone must learn to recognize fraudulent calls in order not to fall into the sad crime statistics.
“People with old phone numbers that have been in use for several years suffer the most from scam calls, because they managed to get into several different bases used by scammers at once.These databases are replenished, among other things, because of ourselves - we easily report our mobile number many times in order to receive various services and to register on sites. It's no secret that bases with contacts roam the Internet from hand to hand, they are periodically "drained", and therefore do not be surprised if an unknown person suddenly calls you, introduces himself as an employee of a bank or a well-known organization and calls you by name. This does not mean at all that the call is not fake”, - explains Ilya Loevsky, deputy head of Roskachestvo.
The situation with phone scammers has already reached an unprecedented scale, when every Russian with a phone is at risk. Even if you are not an easy target for a scammer and know the rules of digital security, regular calls from unknown numbers are quite annoying.
Would you like to take a loan?
Spam calls are the scourge of our times. Various companies recognize our contacts just as easily as scammers - from various databases "merged" into the network, or you yourself once voluntarily shared your phone number with a company representative.
Loan offers, "opinion polls", calls from telecom operators, advertisements for various other services - such calls rain down on our heads every day. And, of course, during a call it is difficult to understand whether you are interested in the offer of the caller, because most often such calls come suddenly, when you are busy with your own business and do not expect a “best loan offer” at all.
Of course, surely someone may be happy with such calls and is not going to “turn them off”. But if you would like to get rid of spam calls, these recommendations are for you.
The key question, the answer to which will solve the problem of sudden offers and fraudulent calls - how to block the ability to call you for intruders and sales departments? This can be done using the settings of the phones themselves, mobile operators and special programs.
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Android
Some Android smartphones have a built-in feature to block calls from unknown numbers.
It should be noted that the built-in Do Not Disturb mode is not always suitable for solving the problem of unwanted calls, as the beeps will keep going and not blocked. Also, in some smartphones with Russian localization, there is a confusion in the name of the function “Blocking unknown callers”, “Unknown numbers” or “Unknown”, which mean blocking not numbers unknown to the user, but calls from hidden numbers (which is also a useful feature for some).
The easiest way to set up blocking calls from numbers unknown to the subscriber on Xiaomi: open "Settings", scroll the screen to the "Applications" section, select "System applications", "Call settings", "Anti-spam", "Call blocking". Next, you need to activate the functions: "Block calls from strangers" and "Block calls from hidden numbers: block calls from unknown."
The blocking procedure looks a little more complicated on Huawei smartphones: you need to click on the “three dots” at the bottom of the screen on the right, select “Blocked”, then “Blocking rules”, “Call blocking rules: select All unknown numbers”.
Many phones (such as the Samsung Galaxy series) do not have this feature built in, and you will need to use third-party solutions such as caller IDs, which will be discussed later.
iOS
On Apple's mobile operating system, the user can set "Unknown Mute" to avoid receiving calls from strangers. In this case, calls will be blocked in general from all subscribers who are not in the contact list, and with whom you have never communicated from this device using these numbers. However, if previously there was contact with the subscriber via SMS, or the number came by e-mail, calls will come to you.
To install Unknown Silence, go to Settings, then Phone, and scroll down. Once activated, calls from unknown numbers will be received without sound, forwarded to the answering machine and displayed in the list of recent calls. Apple has also taken care of emergencies: if the caller makes an emergency call, the Silence Unknown feature is automatically disabled for 24 hours so that iPhone can receive any calls.
Operator level protection
All mobile operators of the "big four" - Beeline, Megafon, MTS and Tele2 - have their own services to limit unwanted contacts, which are paid and free: for example, these are Black List services , "Antispam", "SMS filter", the ability to block calls and SMS.
All operators also have an identifier service, which helps to identify, among other things, calls from hidden numbers (the same operators, however, also have an anti-identifier counter-service for which their identifier does not work). It is interesting to stand out against this background “MTS Who is calling” - a separate application that checks against the databases of well-known organizations (as well as scammers) and tells with a high degree of probability why you are being called.
As an alternative to operators' solutions, you can install an application on your phone that will allow you to identify and cut off a scammer before you pick up the phone.
Security at the software level
A useful application that saves a huge amount of time and effort for a smartphone user is a caller ID (more precisely, their “categorizer” that assigns a tag to a particular activity to the number and shows them to the person they call).
Many caller ID apps are available for Russian users on both Android and iOS. The first smart phone book of this kind was 2GIS Dialer, which is no longer supported (however, the option can be enabled if you have the 2GIS application itself installed).
Kaspersky Lab has its own identifying application for both platforms - Kaspersky Who Calls. Since 2019, you can install your own identifier application from Yandex, which uses data on numbers from its own database, including based on user reviews, as well as from the directory of organizations.
Applications of this kind use feedback and self-learning. The application determines the type of service offered automatically when you call - it will tell you if it is: a financial service offer, a call from a bank, or just an unwanted call.
If you picked up the phone, the application after the call will ask you if it was really an unwanted call and, if not, it will ask you to indicate the nature of these services in order to complete the "portrait" of the number in the database.
To date, identifiers have been very successful in recognizing the telemarketing of banks and MFIs, as well as robots and scammers that have already been previously noticed and entered into the database.
Of course, the caller ID has a drawback: the developer asks you for permission and gets access to the phone book, knows who called you, who you called and how long the conversation lasted. Therefore, you need to be very careful about such applications and choose only well-known and proven services that you trust, with good reviews and high ratings.
Do not use obscure applications with few downloads, as you are giving your data to the caller ID, and if you come across unscrupulous developers, you may become a victim of data leakage.
