What to expect after breaking up with a narcissist
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- Breaking up with a narcissist is likely to be a draining experience.
- Either they won't let you go without a fight, or they will discard you without looking back.
- Both experiences are extremely hurtful.
- Narcissists are highly skilled at making you feel as though you were the most important person in the world, only to tear it all away.
- It's important to remember that however much it hurts right now, you're better off without the toxic person in your life.
It is challenging and exhausting being romantically involved with a narcissist, but they can also cause havoc when they leave. Breakups are always hard, but when you've been in a relationship with someone who uses others and is obsessed with themselves, it can be even harder.
On the surface, narcissists can seem charming, engaging and charismatic, which can make them difficult to leave in the first place.
Dr Judith Orloff, a clinical psychiatrist at the University of California Los Angeles, wrote in a blog post on Psychology Today that narcissists can make you "fall in love with them so hard that it feels like you're giving up a part of your heart to leave them," because they're very good at becoming the centre of your universe while you're with them.
Here's what to expect if you break up with a narcissist.
It can feel brutal and suddenLightField Studios / Shutterstock
One minute you may feel like everything your partner has ever wanted, and the next you're left wondering what on Earth went wrong. This is because narcissists are great at playing a part while they're getting something from their source, according to Orloff. But when they're done using you, they have no difficulty in casting you aside like a used tissue.
There will be no apologies or remorse, and you may well never hear from them again, regardless of how long your relationship was. If they do return, it will be because they've realized they can get something from you.
Be prepared for begging, pleading or bargainingjanon kas / Shutterstock
If you're the one who chose to leave, good for you because Orloff says that's hard to do. They are likely to give you the fight of your life because they're not done with you yet. Narcissists hate losing their supply, so they won't let you go easily.
Prepare for them to promise "to change." They might suddenly start doing things for you that you'd been complaining about. They may say "you'll be lost without me," or "you'll never find someone like me."
Don't listen, Orloff advises. It's just a trick to get you to come back to them out of fear.
Remind yourself of why it endedESB Professional / Shutterstock
When you break up with someone, a few selective good memories can come flooding back, prompting confusing feelings of regret. These feelings are usually false and unrepresentative of the relationship, psychiatrists say.
You might remember a time when your partner was sending you loads of messages every day and continually complimenting you. Compliments are great when they're sincere, but when a narcissist uses them it may be part of a technique called "love-bombing" in which the person bombards you with affection but has an ulterior motive.
As a reminder to yourself, jot down the reasons you split up. Did your partner frequently put you down? Call you names? Make you feel guilty or like you were crazy?
They will 'move on' quickly — and tell you about it.Shutterstock
Most true narcissists don't need time to heal from a break up as their initial feelings about the relationship were likely insincere or absent. It's not unheard of for a narcissist to have someone already waiting in the wings as a new source of support, or have their exit strategy carefully planned out.
This is one of the reasons removing them from social media can be helpful — there's likely to be a lot of loved up selfies.
In reality, they may simply be love-bombing a new target. On the bright side, it isn't you anymore.
Expect grief and embrace itEs5669 / Shutterstock
Grieving will be an important part of your recovery, so embrace it when it comes, advises Sarkis. After all, you have a lot to grieve over: the end of a relationship, and the person you thought your partner was. They love-bombed you when they first met you, and these feelings are still there, and they are strong and intense.
However, you figured out enough reason to get out of there, so remind yourself that many of these feelings were likely built on something false. The narcissist may have appeared to sweep you off your feet, but did they really deliver on their promises? Probably not.
Nevertheless, you probably had, and still have, a strong emotional bond to the narcissist, and only time can heal that wound. Sarkis says be glad you ended things when you did, because otherwise you'd still be in that toxic environment, losing more of yourself every day. The pain is only temporary.
Focus on yourself and do things that make you happyUnsplash / Brooke Cagle
Most importantly, you're going to need to focus on yourself, Orloff says. Take this time to try a new hobby or gym class, or go out and meet new people. This may sound daunting — being with a narcissist can use up a lot of energy and make you timid around new people.
But you're out of that situation now. It's time to reconnect with people that make you happy.
Sarkis and psychologist Dr Guy Winch recommend writing an "emotional first aid" list of things you can do as a distraction when you find yourself thinking about your former partner. You were pushed aside when you were with the narcissist, because your needs weren't important. Now it's time to look after you.
You'll realise relationships aren't supposed to be that wayUnsplash / William Stitt
When the time is right, you'll find someone new. Dating is an important part of recovery. Still, you shouldn't expect to find "the one" right away. Just go out and have fun. Maybe you'll meet someone amazing, or maybe you'll make some great friends. Either way, these people will be a breath of fresh air.
Plus, you'll likely have a deeper understand of your own boundaries than you did previously, so give yourself more respect if someone isn't treating you the way you want.
When you finally develop your first crush after a relationship with a narcissist, it feels really great. It might not work out, but you'll be reminded of all the reasons someone actually likes you — and there are a lot!
If you think you may be involved in an abusive relationship, or would just like to talk to someone, there are helplines you can call, such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline, RAINN, and Love is Respect. Emotional, psychological, and mental abuse can be extremely difficult to recognize and hard to report; these support networks exist to help.
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What To Expect When You Break Up With A Narcissist
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* I generally write using the pronouns he/him when referring to narcissists, but females are just as likely to be narcissists or exhibit narcissistic traits. So please don't think just because article uses the word him or he that it could not be a woman in that same role.
Any type of breakup is hard, but when you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist a breakup can feel like it’s going to literally break you.
It’s exhausting dating a narcissist, and it can be deadly to break up with one.
Dr Judith Orloff, a clinical psychiatrist at the University of California Los Angeles, wrote that narcissists can make you “fall in love with them so hard that it feels like you’re giving up a part of your heart to leave them,” because they’re very good at becoming the centre of your universe while you’re with them.
Here’s What To Expect When You Break Up With A Narcissist
Table of Contents
- 1. They will not make it easy.
- 2. They will never apologize.
- 3. They will blame you for everything.
- 4. They will guilt trip you into staying.
- 5. They will make you second guess yourself.
- Continue Reading About Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- 6. They will make empty promises.
- 7. They will demand attention from you.
- 8. They will start rumors and gossip about you.
- 9. They will accidentally run into you all over town.
- 10. They will make the breakup drag on forever.
1. They will not make it easy.
You would probably assume that once the breakup it set into motion, the nightmare relationship would be over. Unfortunately when breaking up with a narcissist, this is not the case.
A breakup can bring out the worst in even the most amicable of couples, but narcissists use the time to continue their crusade of fear and manipulation.
If you don’t approach your breakup carefully, strategically and without emotion, the whole ordeal can inflict severe psychological wounds.
2. They will never apologize.
Don’t expect to every hear a meaningful apology or true remorse for your narcissistic ex because it is not something that they are capable of doing.
3. They will blame you for everything.
At the beginning of your relationship they placed you up on a pedestal that only Aphrodite herself could reach. You were the most beautiful, the most perfect, and the smartest person they have ever met and they were just lucky that you graced them with your time.
Now that the relationship has broken, you are damaged, disgusting, and the demise of the relationship is entirely your fault.
You have completely wrecked things, destroyed his trust, ruined the best thing you ever had, and completely crushed his soul.
You’re unappreciative of all he has done for you. You would be nothing without him.
You have single-handedly destroyed all the two of you have built. You’re selfish and demanding.
Overnight you have become the most despised person in the narcissist’s life.
4. They will guilt trip you into staying.
Guilt is a powerful tool for the narcissist to pull you back into the relationship.
The narcissist brings up every time he has done something nice for you, or stresses how much he cares about you, or reminds you of the wonderful times you’ve had together.
If the positives don’t work to bring you back, narcissists default to their devaluing attacks. Any complaint you have made about the narcissist will be turned around on you.
5. They will make you second guess yourself.
Through your entire relationship the narcissist has slowly be tearing away at your self esteem and sense of personal value, and because of this you are probably already second guessing your decisions.
The narcissist will try to convince you that you’ve made a mistake. Expect to see charisma, coaxing, persuasion, and then intimidation, goading, and outright provocation to get back in control of the relationship.
The narcissist will say,
- You just misinterpreted what I said. Of course, you should know that deep down I love you; why do I have to say it all the time?
- What about all the good times we’ve had together?
- You look at the negative too much.
- You don’t understand the stress I’ve been under lately.
- You take things too personally.
- You’re overreacting.
- You’re too emotional.
Once you have a clear head you can see that these are not apologies but just negative jabs to try and lower your self esteem even more.
6. They will make empty promises.
Get ready for the empty promises to change to shower upon you when you breakup with your narcissistic partner.
All of a sudden they have some magical revelation, and they understand what they did and want to make positive changes to their behaviors.
You were right, they will do whatever you want them to, they will try things your way, and they are so, so, so sorry they ever hurt you.
This is so tempting for those of us who wanted so badly for the relationship to work out. Now it seems like they really understand and want to make a change to make you happy.
You may see a spark of hope agree to let them back in.
For a while, you think things are getting better.
However, when the narcissist gets comfortable in the relationship again, they will go back to being self-absorbed, inconsiderate, arrogant, insensitive, and blaming.
And invariably if things don’t go their way, they will instantly go back to the same defensive and antagonistic patterns.
How many times will you see the spark of hope and believe that they can change?
7. They will demand attention from you.
Narcissists can be extremely persistent in demanding your attention. To often narcissists appear to be strong and independent, but they are actually extremely needy.
You may get calls to come fix her car, or he may still expect you to keep doing the accounting for his business, or she wants you to take down the Christmas lights on her house, or he expects you to still make his dentist appointments.
It can be exhausting and difficult for you to say no to these persistent requests. Too often you get pulled back into interactions with the narcissist that really don’t benefit you.
8. They will start rumors and gossip about you.
Once the breakup has started the narcissist will start throwing whatever rumors or gossip they can about you, whether it is true or not. They will say anything that they think may hurt your.
During your entire relationship, the narcissist insisted on extreme privacy about your interactions together, and now they are spreading all kinds of misinformation and slander and trying to ruin your good name.
Be prepared for your partner to tell everyone how you’re the bad guy, whether it be among your friend group or in front of a judge. It is one way that they gain as much sympathy as possible.
9. They will accidentally run into you all over town.
It is not uncommon for narcissists to accidentally be at the grocery store when you are, to suddenly appear at a community or social event you attend.
They may even change their running schedule so they go down your street every morning.
Be prepared ahead of time that these unexpected meetings might occur. They’re designed to keep you aware of the narcissist’s presence and emotionally off balance.
10. They will make the breakup drag on forever.
Your narcissistic ex will likely refuse to settle or negotiate during the breakup, especially if we are dealing with divorce.
Remember, narcissists only care about winning and getting what they want. There’s no room for negotiation in their minds.
Whether it’s dividing your assets or deciding on child custody and support arrangements, your ex will drag out the proceedings. If you aren’t married, they will still likely play games with you throughout the whole process.
It can take years to heal from the wounds of a relationship and a breakup with a narcissist.
You may not see it now, but after you’ve broken up with your partner for a while, you’ll start to look back and realize how toxic and manipulative your partner was.
You’ll almost breathe a sigh of relief and be so thankful that you managed to stick it through.
While there may be a lot of scars that come from dating an emotionally abusive narcissist, keep in mind that the experience will hold you in good stead for the future.
You’ve learned a lot about yourself, and what kind of partner is better suited to you.
You’ll also be much more aware when a narcissist enters your life – and you can avoid experiencing that kind of toxic relationship ever again.
If You Need A Crisis Hotline Or Want To Learn More About Therapy, Please See Below:
- RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) – 1-800-656-4673
- The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-8255
- National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233
- NAMI Helpline (National Alliance on Mental Illness) – 1-800-950-6264
For More Information On Mental Health, Please See:
- SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) SAMHSA Facebook, SAMHSA Twitter, SAMHSA LinkedIn, SAMHSA Youtube
- Mental Health America, MHA Twitter, MHA Facebook, MHA Instagram, MHA Pinterest, MHA Youtube
- WebMD, WebMD Facebook, WebMD Twitter, WebMD Instagram, WebMD Pinterest
- NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health), NIMH Instagram, NIMH Facebook, NIMH Twitter, NIMH YouTube
- APA (American Psychiatric Association), APA Twitter, APA Facebook, APA LinkedIN, APA Instagram
A narcissist man can easily charm a girl. The novel develops rapidly, but after a while, coldness appears in it.
Getting away from a narcissist is not easy, but sooner or later it will have to be done. We will talk about parting with a narcissist in the article.
- Who is a narcissist?
- How dangerous is a relationship with such a person?
- Options for the development of events in case of a break
- How to behave correctly?
- What should a woman do?
- How to behave after?
- How to cope with your feelings?
- How to understand that everything is behind?
- Basic mistakes
- Video on the topic of the article
Who is a narcissist?
Psychologists call narcissists men who have a very high self-esteem.
In other words such a person thinks that there is no one better than him in the world . He constantly admires himself and believes that others should do the same.
It is difficult for men belonging to this category to interact with society. They have almost no friends, but girls often fall in love with them. A romance with such a person is distinguished by its swiftness, but this is where the problem lies.
Daffodils quickly grow cold towards their chosen one . They have already achieved their goal, satisfied their own ego. Logically, they should quickly end the relationship with the girl. Often this happens if the initiative comes from the guy.
The situation changes radically when a girl starts talking about a breakup. The narcissist feels hurt. This deals a serious blow to his self-esteem. He tries to return the partner by all available means. If this does not work out, the man begins to take revenge.
It is also difficult for girls to end a relationship with such a guy . Narcissists quickly bind to themselves, involuntarily using various levers of psychological pressure. However, they themselves may not be aware of it.
About narcissists - in the video:
Why is a relationship with such a person dangerous?
Relationships with narcissistic men have a classic pattern. At first, everything happens like in romance novels - the guy gives flowers, looks after her beautifully and turns the girl's life into a fairy tale.
Due to this, a woman quickly becomes attached to a narcissist and lulls her vigilance. However, the idyll does not last long. A few months after the start of a relationship, the first disturbing calls appear.
The man tries to make the girl spend all her time exclusively with him. This is achieved through psychological manipulation.
The narcissist strives for complete social isolation of his victim. Jealousy can be shown even to relatives and close friends .
At the same time, the man tries to instill in the woman the idea that she alone is to blame for all the troubles that occur in relations between partners. Over time, the victim of the narcissist develops a constant sense of guilt. This leads to the fact that a person begins to consider himself inferior. Even his thoughts begin to seem wrong to him.
There are doubts about the adequacy of . At the same time, the man strongly supports this opinion with his actions and words. Over time, he begins to control all areas of his partner's life. For any deviation from the conditions he created, the victim is punished. This can manifest itself mentally or physically.
All this after a short time leads to psychological trauma of the girl. Such relationships need to be terminated, although this is not easy to do, because a woman gets used to a narcissist very quickly and believes that there is only her fault in the troubles that arise. It should not be forgotten here that narcissists are not corrected. There are chances, but they are insignificant.
Variants of the development of events in the event of a breakup
How does a narcissist behave during a breakup? If a man initiated the breakup, the process is peaceful.
Narcissus simply announces his departure and quickly disappears from the girl's field of vision. Basically, such a sharp change in tactics of behavior is caused by a new romance that began with a guy.
The girl, as in any breakup, first falls into depression. However, this does not last long. When the "rose-colored glasses" of falling in love fall from her eyes, a woman begins to understand what trap she managed to avoid.
Events develop quite differently if they are initiated by a girl. Narcissus feels slighted and refuses to accept the fact that could part with him. He considers himself the best person on earth, which further complicates the situation. Feelings of hurt are replaced by anger.
Narcissists depend on their partners to help them build their self-esteem. Therefore, a man tries to return a woman at any cost. Various methods are used for this. In the early stages, the guy tries to assure the girl that he can change. Narcissus humiliates himself and asks to stay. If this does not help, he begins to threaten and take revenge.
The narcissist's revenge is original and cruel. He can post compromising photos of the girl on social networks or start spreading rumors about her among mutual acquaintances. When the indignation subsides a little, “random” encounters or direct persecution begin.
However, there is also a peaceful scenario . After parting with his partner, the guy considers it below his dignity to humiliate himself in front of her and is looking for a new victim. This, as a rule, does not take much time, and after a few weeks the girl can be calm for her freedom and safety. After all, narcissists, after entering into a new relationship, never return to the previous ones.
How to behave properly?
The narcissist tries to arrange his behavior in such a way that the girl herself feels guilty before him. He instills in her the idea that you can not do this to people. Promises to change. There is a small chance that his words will turn out to be true, but most often they turn out to be outright lies.
At this moment, you just need to restrain your emotions caused by attachment to a person and not succumb to his provocations.
What is a woman to do?
How to end a relationship with a narcissist? It is recommended to follow some rules:
- Get external support . You need to discuss the situation with parents, close friends and other people who are able to support the person.
It is important for a girl that at a difficult moment in her life she can speak out to someone and get moral help.
This allows her to act more decisively when parting and not to retreat from her positions.
- No final conversation . A classic version of parting is considered a serious heart-to-heart conversation, after which the former partners disperse in different directions, while continuing to maintain friendly relations. It is worth making an exception for the narcissist and denying him this rule.
Men of this type know the weak points of their victim, and are able to put pressure on them in time. This will bring the relationship back to the previous level. Moreover, on a subconscious level, in the first weeks after the breakup, the girl herself wants to do this.
- Restrict social circle . Not all friends and relatives will support the girl in her decision. There will be those who will tell her that she made a mistake. And half of them will do it under the pressure of the same narcissist.
For several months or years after separation, it is recommended to limit contact with such people. Under constant pressure, the girl can not stand it and change the decision.
- Expand scope . Narcissists control a person. Over time, it becomes his only hobby. After parting, it is necessary to do the reverse procedure, i.e. the girl gradually removes the former partner from her life. At this time, you can take up a new hobby, visit a new city, etc.
It is important that the girl herself understands that a man is not the center of the universe for her. Even if a woman later decides to return to a guy, she will be able to correctly prioritize the relationship.
- Find your pressure levers . Subconsciously, narcissists are good psychologists. They find the weak points of their victim and, by pressing these “buttons”, gradually begin to completely control it. After parting with such a person, the girl must find in herself these levers of pressure that the guy used.
They should be written down on a piece of paper. Maybe it's some specific words. Knowing what attacked her in the past, a woman will be able to defend herself against such attacks in the future.
- Run . You need to leave the narcissist abruptly, without giving him the opportunity to correct the situation. The reason for the breakup can be explained in a letter. After that, the girl should break off all contacts with the man (block numbers and social networks, change places of walks, etc.). This is the only way to completely end the relationship with such a man.
How to behave after?
Breaking up with a narcissist is not easy. Such people are not accustomed to letting go of their victim.
A woman is advised to take into account a number of points after the end of intercourse.
Narcissus will follow . Even after the final break, the man will try to maintain his influence over the girl. He will track her social media accounts. networks, arrange “random” meetings, etc. There is no escape from this.
The beginning of a new relationship is not the end of communication. This type of people believes that all the fair sex belongs to them. Even if the narcissist has started dating a new partner, he will try to control the life of his previous one.
A more peaceful option awaits a couple if the initiator of the separation was the narcissist himself . He quickly loses active interest in his former partner. In this case, it is only important not to try to restore relations on your own.
How to cope with your feelings?
What does not hurt to do:
- Grieve . Breaking up is always stressful for a girl. Therefore, to fasten and pretend that everything is in order should not be. On the contrary, you need to cry and speak out. But at the same time, you can’t go into a long depression. A woman can maintain her morale with new hobbies, and so on. As a last resort, it is recommended to consult a psychiatrist.
- Write your problems . If a girl feels anxious after a breakup, it is better to write her feelings on a piece of paper. So she will always have before her eyes a list of what prevents her from moving on. Then you should carefully analyze it and your terminated relationship.
In most cases, the girl will see that she wrote the main number of points under the “rose-colored glasses”. You can record the analysis results on the same sheet. For example, if a woman wrote the phrase "I'm to blame for everything", after analyzing the behavior of a narcissist, you can put "It's not like that" next to it.
- Remember all . In the first weeks after the breakup, the memory will throw pictures from the happy past to the girl. There is no escape from this. However, a woman should also remember about the unpleasant moments associated with a man. For example, about the loss of all friends. If you need to try to erase the first memories from memory, then it is better not to forget the second ones. So the girl will be able to avoid mistakes in the following relationship.
How to understand that everything is behind?
A girl can start dating a new young man within a few weeks after breaking up with a narcissist, but we should not forget that if he sees a new couple, he can "take down the roof. " He will try to find out who the new boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend is and will try to denigrate her.
In this case, the girl should openly tell her new boyfriend about her previous relationship. This will allow you to develop a strategy of behavior with an inadequate ex together.
Do's and Don'ts:
- Trying to blame yourself . The narcissist taught his victim to believe that he was to blame for everything. At first, the habit will persist. However, this will pass soon.
- Contact after break . The narcissist will again try to tame his victim through seduction. Do not give in to provocations.
- Lower self-esteem . Narcissus has already underestimated her to a person. Don't do the work for him.
- Listen to other people's opinions . You won't be good for everyone. A lot of people feel bad about a breakup. This is their right. However, you should not listen to their advice. The final decision must be made by the individual.
Video on the topic of the article
How to part with a partner-narcissist, the video will tell:
Parting with a narcissist is a complex and long process. However, it is necessary to go through it. Otherwise, the girl can earn herself a number of moral injuries. When you stop communicating, you need to show determination and not allow pity and habits to control your mind.
what to expect after separation from the narcissist
The narcissist is a narcissist who puts his own interests first. It is very difficult to build a relationship with him, and separation from such a person can be even more difficult, as he will try in every possible way to underestimate the self-esteem of his former partner and will put pressure on the psyche. Here's what to remember and what to be prepared for when breaking up with a narcissist.
It will be unexpected and cruel
Narcissists do not care about the feelings of other people, and if he decides to leave, then you should not expect any explanation or apology from them.
They, on the contrary, will blame their former partner for everything, as they did throughout the entire period of the relationship. Despite the fact that the breakup can be quite unexpected and abrupt, in the end it will be like a breath of fresh air for you.
Drama is to be expected
If you decide to part with a narcissist, he will play a real drama. Such people will do everything possible to prevent you from leaving. They will beg, beg, etc. The narcissist may promise to change and stop doing things you don't like.
If that doesn't work, he may threaten you, saying that you will never find anyone better than him. Can't be manipulated.
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Breaking a strong emotional connection
Narcissists create bonds with their partners through strong emotions. They will treat you very badly if you do something wrong, literally trampling you into the dirt, or praising you for good deeds towards them. As a result, a person falls into a strong emotional dependence, which is not so easy to break.
Stop all contact with the narcissist
These people are good manipulators. They may threaten to ruin your life if you decide to end your relationship with them.
You should immediately block any contact with narcissists, including on social networks, and do everything to keep them as far away from you as possible. It must be remembered that such people do not know how to lose and will do everything to take revenge on you.
Learning from relationships
Although relationships with a narcissist can be quite destructive, they can be learned from. It is worth remembering that you will start looking for a partner again, and therefore it is important to understand exactly how you can attract and keep him.
This can be learned in a relationship with a narcissist. Men like to feel needed in women's lives, as they have a sort of hero instinct.
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Remind yourself why you broke up
It is normal to experience negative emotions after a breakup. In the end, these are big changes in life that you need to get used to. However, don't let your emotions overwhelm you.
It's okay to think about the good times you had between you and regret your actions. When it's time to break up, you need to remind yourself that it's not your fault, but it all happened because of your partner's self-absorbed behavior.
Narcissist will quickly start a new relationship
After parting, such a person will definitely not be sad and suffer for too long.
If you still have contacts in social networks, then soon you may notice that he has a selfie where he is happy with a new partner. You shouldn't be sad about this. It is important to remind yourself that this is a new victim and to be glad that this is definitely no longer your concern.
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Break any bonds
You need to remove absolutely everything from your life that can affect your confidence after breaking up with a narcissist.
For example, if you have mutual friends, then your ex-partner can use them to get back to you. It must be remembered that the narcissist does not care about the feelings of others at all and will speak badly about you with everyone.