How to make someone not be mad at you
Dealing With Someone With Anger Issues
Feeling very angry and frustrated all the time, or being around someone who is always angry, is exhausting and stressful. Our guide below will help you understand what causes anger and how you can help someone who is feeling angry.
What it means when you feel angry all the time
When you’re angry all the time, it affects how you experience everything in your life. You might find that:
- you’re constantly in a bad mood
- you express your anger in a way that hurts yourself or someone else
- everything seems too hard, boring or uninteresting
- you want to throw, hit or destroy things all the time
- small things that didn’t used to bother you now put you in a bad mood
- you lash out at people.
Anger usually occurs when there’s something going on in life that makes you feel upset, frustrated, hurt or bored. Sometimes anger is an immediate response to a specific event, such as getting a bad mark or someone cutting you off in traffic, or it can build up over time. Whatever the reason, feeling angry or seeing someone else become angry should alert you that something isn’t right.
When anger becomes a problem
For yourself
If you find you're often asking yourself "why am I angry all the time?", or you find you're feeling angry everyday or getting angry over little things, you might be holding onto your anger. When you hold on to your anger, you prevent yourself from feeling happy or positive, because your negative feelings block out everything else.
If you don’t deal with your anger in a positive way, then over time it will just build up and become your primary emotion. Read our guide on dealing with anger for some tools and tips that will ensure you have healthy outlets for processing your negative feelings.
For other people
Dealing with someone who is always angry can have a huge impact on your relationship with them. The level of anger someone is experiencing may help you think about how to respond to them.
If the person seems annoyed but open to talking then you can start a dialogue, but if the person seems like they need time to themselves, then it's important to give them space to calm down.
You can’t be responsible for making them feel better, but there are a few simple things you can do to try and help:
- don’t ignore the person
- be open to listening to what they have to say
- keep your voice calm when they’re upset
- try to talk things through
- acknowledge their distress but don’t feel like you have to back down if you disagree - your opinion is important too
- avoid pushing advice or opinions on them - work out whether they just need someone to listen to them or if it’s appropriate to take on a bigger role
- give them space if they need it.
Some good ways to approach a conversation with someone who is angry include:
- I can see you're feeling angry, do you want to talk about it?
- it looks like today has been full on - would you like to go for a walk with me and decompress?
- this situation is getting tense - let's all take five minutes and regroup.
By identifying the emotion and providing an action to take in the moment, you can help the other person process their feelings in a healthy way and defuse the situation.
Depending on your relationship with the person, you may want to help them to access different kinds of support. For example, if your colleague or classmate is experiencing regular moments of frustration, you can call on your manager or teacher for guidance. If your best friend is experiencing anger, you may want to be there as a support person to help them access professional services.
If that’s not enough
Anger can be a sign that someone is experiencing depression, anxiety or a personality disorder, such as borderline personality disorder. If you think someone in your life needs extra help with their anger, you can support them to contact their GP or access a mental health service.
Sometimes people express their anger by becoming violent or abusive. If this is the case, and you think your safety may be at risk, remove yourself from the situation and get help.
It’s never okay for someone to be violent or abusive towards you.
If things start to feel unsafe or scary, make sure you reach out for help. Call a mental health helpline, or arrange an appointment with a doctor or counsellor.
What can I do now?
- Read about managing anger.
- Recognise that anger passes, and wait before making any big decisions.
- If your anger is getting you down, talk to your GP about it and ask for some support options.
Explore other topics
It's not always easy to find the right place to start. Our 'What's on your mind?' tool can help you explore what's right for you.
What's on your mind?
What To Do When Someone's Mad At You, According To Therapists
Many of us spend our lives trying to avoid making people upset. If you think back to some of your biggest decisions, you might find that many of them were made with this motive in mind.
That's because few of us know what to do when someone's mad at you.
The problem with this is, when we'll do anything just to keep other people happy, they can control us. We may bend to their every will just to avoid a confrontation. In the process of molding ourselves to become the people we think others want, we can lose ourselves.
We also miss out on the genuine connection that comes from hearing people's anger, NYC-based psychotherapist and entrepreneur Lilian Ostrovsky, tells Bustle. "If somebody lashes out at me, I think, 'Yes! This is a window moment with this person,'" she says. "This is an opportunity for me to get closer with this person or really get to know this person. Even if I feel hurt by it, if someone says, 'You’re a sh*tty therapist, I hate you' or 'you don’t deserve the good things you have in life'... I also might feel curiosity over, what do I deserve? Those are the kind of opportunities heated moments of emotion offer us as human beings."
So, how do you turn a situation where someone's angry with you from a terrifying experience into a productive and nourishing one? Here are Ostrovsky's tips for doing just that.
1. Feel The Impact Of The Other Person's Words
BDG Media, Inc.
The first step is to become aware of how the other person is making you feel so that you can have an honest conversation with them about it, Ostrovsky says. If you at all feel unsafe, get out of the situation. If you start to get angry, though, pause for a minute.
"It is so easy to get triggered when someone gets angry at us," couples' therapist Gary Brown, PhD, LMFT, tells Bustle. "When that happens we can become scared, sad, or react in anger. In general, reacting in anger typically will make things worse." Instead, he advocates the "STOP method:" Stop, take a breath, observe, and proceed. If you have time alone before you respond to the person mad at you, you could even take the time to write down what you want to say, psychotherapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, tells Bustle.
2. Own Your Biases
Most of us have pre-existing beliefs about anger.
Many people, for example, believe that if you're very angry, you're not a very good person. It's important to be aware of these biases so that you don't fall prey to them when someone's angry with you, Ostrovsky says. This way, you are able to have a more productive conversation and get to the root of what the issue may be.
3. Notice Your Knee-Jerk Reaction
BDG Media, Inc.
Your reactions to others' anger can tell you a lot about your own beliefs, Ostrovsky says. If your first reaction is that they're rude, for example, that indicates that you believe expressing anger in general is rude, which may affect how you relate to your own anger. Many people's knee-jerk reaction is to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. If this happens, it might tell you that you tend to avoid confrontation and tiptoe around other people.
4. Decide On Your Intention
All that said, your biases and knee-jerk reaction may be very different from what you want in that moment.
For example, you may think that the other person's full of it but want to form a deeper relationship with them. You don't have to push down your anger to keep sight of this goal; you can acknowledge them both at once, Ostrovsky says.
5. State Your Biases, Reaction, And Intention Out Loud
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We're taught to get defensive and keep our feelings to ourselves during a confrontation, but Ostrovsky recommends telling the other person all the conflicting things you're thinking and feeling. One way to do that is to go through the three things you've just considered. "Imagine that my bias is that your anger is not fair, my knee-jerk reaction is to prove to you that it is unfair, and my intention is for us to continue to be friends," Ostrovsky says. "So I might say to you, 'I feel so conflicted. I don't know how to have this conversation because on the one hand, I’m feeling unjustly judged, but on the other hand, our friendship is so important to me.'"
You can start the conversation with these three opening statements to help the situation go better, she says.
"People’s guards go down. There’s more of a willingness to be seen."
6. Acknowledge Your Own Role
Even if you had a small role in the conflict, like not speaking up when your boundaries were crossed, saying what you wish you'd done differently can make the other person less defensive. "Everyone has a part in an argument," Hershenson says. "Ask yourself what you contributed to the argument and take accountability." The other person in the argument will appreciate you taking responsibility for your actions, and may be more inclined to do the same. From there, the conversation may be less heated.
7. Use "I" Statements
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If the other person's anger is bothering you, make sure to address it by talking about your own feelings, not what you perceive to be wrong with their behavior. "It’s easy to blame, and starting a conversation with 'you did such and such' only makes the other person defensive," Hershenson says. "Focus on yourself and voice your emotions through 'I feel hurt' or 'I feel upset.
'”
7. Ask Questions
Remember, this is a learning opportunity, so stay as curious as possible. If they're mad about something you said, for example, you might ask what about it bothered them or whether they felt it was intentional, Ostrovsky says. Really try to see their perspective, even if you don't agree with it.
"Ask what the other person needs from you to fix the situation, and express what you need from them," Hershenson says. "Communication is key, and if you are able to voice this, you will both feel like you won."
8. Think Of The Anger As Passion
BDG Media, Inc.
"When you look at someone’s anger as passion, it’s easier to bring curiosity to it," Ostrovsky says. "There’s an opportunity to get to know the person who’s frustrated with you."
This can be hard to practice during a heated situation. So, Ostrovsky suggests going through it in your own head during everyday situations. For example, let's say you go outside and it's raining.
You can ask yourself: What impact is the rain having on you? What are your biases about rain? What is your knee-jerk reaction to it? And what do you want for your day instead?
"The more you practice being aware of yourself and bringing curiosity to the moment, the more flow there is in these conversations with people," Ostrovsky says. "That formula can get you through an entire conversation." And it can help you have more meaningful connections as a result.
This post was originally published on March 2, 2018. It was updated on June 10, 2019.
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How to quickly and reliably calm an angry person
Gazeta.Ru has found out how to quickly calm an angry person with the help of an effective psychological technique without dropping your authority.
“An effective anger management strategy is based on the need to focus on the angry person.
He should be given the opportunity to vent his anger and at the same time try to correct the state of affairs that led to an outburst of rage, says Jack Schafer, professor of psychology, former special agent, author of Turning on the charm according to the methods of the special services. “This approach breaks the vicious circle and allows you to resolve a critical situation without ruining the relationship.” nine0003
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It's true that if, in the course of settling a conflict, you manage to elevate your opponent in his own eyes, then you can not only calm him down, but even please him. And here's how you can do it.
1. Do not try to explain anything to an angry person: he is not capable of thinking sensibly. nine0015
Anger triggers the fight or flight response in the body, which prepares the person physically and mentally for conflict.
At the moment of this reaction, the body reacts instinctively to the threat.
As the danger grows, a person's ability to think rationally completely disappears. Angry people behave the same way because anger is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. They speak and act without reasoning, and the degree of cognitive impairment depends on the intensity of the anger. nine0003
The more angry a person is, the less inclined he is to process information logically. In this state, people do not notice the obvious, because their minds are clouded.
2. Give him time.
It takes about 20 minutes for an angry person to calm down and regain the ability to think clearly. He will not accept any explanations, solutions and ways to resolve the conflict until he again masters his mind.
3. Offer a simple solution right away. nine0015
People always want to feel like they are in control. An angry person is looking for the lost meaning and order in the world. The inability to return to the usual track causes confusion, and confusion is expressed in anger.
Saying an explanation for such behavior or voicing the problem often helps to restore the previous picture of the world and cool down anger.
4. If the simple solution doesn't work, formulate a "compassionate statement."
When an angry person hears that you understand him, at first it causes him surprise and confusion. If sympathy is expressed unexpectedly, it may even arouse suspicion. But if you reinforce your words, then it becomes difficult for a person not to appreciate the participation of the opponent. Empathy quickly leads to trust. nine0003
5. Assess the emotional state of the interlocutor.
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It will be very helpful to express sympathy without being too false. Be empathic and learn to discern the nuances: anger can consist of different emotions (resentment, rage, sadness, wounded pride, etc.
). You can use this to direct the person to the solution you need. nine0003
Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal responses. Watch for the slightest changes in facial expressions.
Listen for voice modulations and the use of certain words expressing emotions.
6. Let the angry person let off steam.
Most likely, it will not be possible to blow off steam at once. Remember that the first discharge is usually the strongest. It allows a person to relieve tension, get rid of most of the anger and enter into a dialogue. Subsequent times are less intense, especially if no wood is thrown into the furnace of anger. nine0003
After each discharge there is a natural pause that should be filled with a sympathetic statement.
An angry person will throw out more anger, although the intensity of the outbursts will decrease with each time. This must be done until the anger subsides completely. A sigh, a long exhalation, hunched shoulders and a lowered look indicate that the anger has dried up.
7. Make a guess.
Guessing directs an angry person's thinking towards conflict resolution. It must be formulated in such a way that the interlocutor could not deviate from the course of action imposed on him. nine0003
The ability to make assumptions requires the skill of active listening, since the assumption made directs the power of anger towards a conflict resolution acceptable to both parties.
Formulate the suggestion in such a way that it is difficult for the person to refuse the recommendation.
Here is how, for example, you can apply this technique in a work situation:
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Manager: I expected your report to be ready this morning. Your behavior is unacceptable (anger) .
Subordinate: I couldn't finish the report because I didn't get the data from the sales department.
They were promised to be sent within the hour (simple explanation) .
Chief: This is not an excuse. I had to go to the sales department and demand the data. You must understand how important it was for me to receive the report this morning. I have an appointment with a client this afternoon. I don't know what to do now (rejects proposed explanation) .
Slave: You are upset because the client is expecting a report this afternoon (sympathetic statement) .
Head: Yes. You put me in an awkward position (steam release) .
Subordinate: You are disappointed because you expected to receive my report in the morning (sympathetic statement) .
Leader: Exactly! That's the whole point (stoops and sighs; steam finally released) .
Subordinate: I'll go down to the sales department right away and finish my report in an hour. Most likely, I will have time to give it to you before the arrival of the client (guess) .
Leader: Good. See what you can do (anger subsided completely) .
“Some people feel they are sacrificing their power and credibility if they use gradual nudge rather than intimidation,” says Marvin Carlins, professor of management at the University of South Florida, Ph.D. special services methods. “But due to the fact that the person got rid of anger, he agrees to submit voluntarily. nine0003
And this not only increases your credibility, but also reduces the likelihood that an angry person will get even more angry and show even more insubordination.
By allowing the person to let off steam, you increase the likelihood that he will agree with your decision and at the same time feel that you have treated him with due respect. You can't think of a better outcome for the confrontation.
7 useful tips to help you stop being offended by the whole world — Knife
More and more often it seems that in the modern world everyone and everyone is offended.
And this is understandable: it is easy to be offended and partly even pleasant. However, this gives rise to a lot of problems - for the person himself and for his relations with people. We figure out how to get rid of this habit and learn to live without it. nine0003
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Pros and cons of resentment
Resentment is an important feeling that everyone experiences at times, and this is quite normal. It can be considered a kind of protective reflex to aggression or injustice of the surrounding world. However, it is not good to exploit this feeling too often. On the one hand, resentment helps a person to relieve himself of responsibility, for example, for his failures. But on the other hand, this same feeling prevents you from moving on to decisive action to achieve your goals - since the world is against you, then why even try to do something? Resentment relates more to negative feelings, which means that if you get bogged down in it, you will not be able to tune in to an optimistic mood.
But getting into a vicious circle of looking for the guilty is very easy. nine0003
How to stop being offended?
Take a rest
Most often, people who at a particular moment are going through hard times are susceptible to resentment, and therefore any little thing can hurt them. Fatigue often leads to such a state - as you know, an overtired person tends to be irritable, he is infuriated by everything and everyone. Therefore, the first step to getting rid of resentment can be a simple rest - give yourself a break, restore a comfortable lifestyle, and then external factors will hurt and worry you much less. nine0003
Take care of yourself
Another perennial source of resentment is low self-esteem. The less self-confidence, the easier it is to unsettle you: it seems that any joke uttered nearby is necessarily addressed to you. And behind any failure, someone's malicious intent is sure to lurk. What is there, in this state, even a random cashier in a store who looked at you unkindly can offend you.
In general, work on your self-esteem, and touchiness will quickly leave you.
Learn to forgive
And here is another useful skill that is important to master if you seriously decide to stop being offended by the whole world. You need to learn to forgive people - if only because a person is able to change, which means that being angry at someone for a whole life does not make any sense, by doing this you only make things worse for yourself. Experts will confirm that the ability to forgive an offense is an important step in working on the psychological traumas of your past. By the way, this skill is developed not by a speculative desire, but by specific actions: you can remember the person you are still angry with and write to him to sort out your feelings and forgive him. nine0003
Recognize the other person's right to a different opinion
People often take offense at their interlocutor during a heated discussion - which is not surprising, because real disputes are caused by a conflict of different worldviews. However, to be offended by a person because his opinion is different from yours is unproductive: he will not change him from this, and you will only get upset in vain. Therefore, try to come to terms with the fact that the views - even of the closest people - on the same things can be different. And that's completely normal too. nine0003
Don't be silent: discuss problem situations
And one more important rule for those who want to avoid unnecessary resentment towards their loved ones. Often, for other people, we like to think out their thoughts, and, moreover, to be offended by these thoughts later. Firstly, you should not take on such responsibility - a strange soul, as you know, is dark. And secondly, in order not to be offended by the non-existent (but supposed) thoughts of your friend, just communicate with him more. If something confused you, or it seemed to you that you were deliberately hurt by a word, discuss this situation with a loved one. Find out if this is the case in reality, whether he wanted to offend you or not.
It is likely that a person said words that were offensive to you quite by accident, or maybe he did not put into them the same meaning that you caught. nine0003
Look at the resentment from the future
A good way to get rid of momentary resentment is to look at the situation from the future. Fast forward a few years and think about whether the current situation is worth worrying about and wasting energy on resentment. Most likely, it turns out that no, it's not worth it. This will help you not only save time, but also maintain relationships with people who may have offended you inadvertently. It will also teach you to forgive others for their petty mistakes and transgressions. nine0003
What can an unpleasant situation teach you?
Finally, don't forget that you can draw several conclusions from any situation. Of course, if you were shown unmotivated aggression or intentionally wanted to offend, resentment is a normal reaction. However, think about what you could take away from the current situation.
