How to make communication better in a relationship
Lack of Communication: 17 Tips for Couples
If you’re in a relationship, chances are you’ve had your fair share of tense moments. It’s OK to have arguments — clashing is a completely normal part of being a couple.
But the key to any lasting relationship is to work toward building a stronger, more intimate bond.
“Communication is important because it fosters trust and connection,” explains Shelley Sommerfeldt, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships. “In order to have an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship with our partner, we must be able to freely communicate in a healthy manner.”
Whether you’re just starting out as a couple or have been together for years, these strategies can help you both improve your communication skills.
Before you can get to work on improving your communication skills, it’s important to first identify the areas that need some work.
Here are some signs to look for.
Passive aggressive behavior
Passive aggression is a way of expressing hidden anger instead of addressing conflict head-on.
This might look like:
- cracking jokes about your partner always being late
- punishing them for being late by giving the silent treatment
- making digs about their decisions
All of these behaviors allow you to express your frustration without actually having to talk about it. It might feel satisfying in the moment, but it won’t serve you any favors in the long run.
Brushing things under the rug
Simply avoiding conflicts won’t help, either. Ignoring issues just gives them the space and time to build up into something larger down the road.
Using aggressive speech
Becoming openly defensive or hostile when talking to your partner is a sign you’ve fallen into a toxic communication pattern.
Aggressive speech can involve:
- raising your voice
- blaming or criticizing
- controlling or dominating the conversation
Recognize any of the above signs in your relationship? These tips can help you foster more open and honest communication.
Process your feelings first
Before talking with your partner about an issue that’s upsetting for you, be sure to process your own feelings on the subject and calm yourself first, says Sommerfeldt.
“If we go into a conversation feeling very angry, upset or too emotional, then the communication tends to become too heated and difficult to find resolution,” says Sommerfeldt.
Try taking a quick walk or listening to relaxing music before talking to your partner. That way you’ll be more in control of your emotions and be able to communicate well.
Thinking about timing
Choosing the right time to talk with your partner can make all the difference, Sommerfeldt notes.
If something’s weighing on your mind, give your partner a heads up that you’d like to sit down and talk.
“If your partner knows that you’d like to speak with them, this can help de-escalate the situation as well because they are less likely to feel ambushed or blindsided with a heated debate,” Sommerfeldt says.
Start with ‘I’ statements and feelings
How we speak to our partner can make all the difference. Often, couples begin a conversation by pointing the finger at the other person and placing blame, says Sommerfeldt.
She recommends beginning conversations with how you are feeling. You can ensure you do this by using statements that start with “I.”
For example, instead of calling out your partner for focusing too much on work, you could say, “I feel hurt when you always focus on work.” This is less accusatory than saying, “You’re always focusing on work.”
Focus on being both being heard and listening
“Many couples enter conversations as though they are debates or arguments that they must win,” says Sommerfeldt.
While you may not agree with your partner’s point of view, it’s important to actually listen to why they feel the way they do. They should do the same for you.
When having a discussion, don’t make it a competition to see who wins.
Instead, actively listen and try to understand their point of view.
Make compromising and resolution the goal
“Remember that the focus of communication with your partner is coming to an understanding,” Sommerfeldt explains.
Whether you’re bringing up hurt feelings or addressing conflicting ideas about future plans, both of you should leave a conversation feeling as though there’s some kind of resolution.
More often than not, that resolution relies on some level of compromise, whether it’s about the division of chores or making financial decisions.
“This helps people forgive and move forward,” she adds. “It can also bring on feelings of strength and connection between partners.”
Set clear boundaries
Placing firm boundaries can also help avoid any miscommunication, advises Cali Estes, PhD.
For example, if finances are a sore spot, consider coming up with some boundaries. Maybe you decide that any purchase over $500 must be discussed and approved by both parties before pulling the trigger.
Leave notes for your partner
It might seem minor, but leaving a note to let your partner know what you’re doing can be extremely helpful, says Estes. In addition to providing practical information, it shows your partner that you’re thinking of them and being considerate of their potential worries about where you are.
If you know you’ll be meeting up with a friend after getting groceries, leave a quick note letting your partner know.
Regularly check-in throughout the day
Similarly, Estes recommends doing regular check-ins in the morning, around lunchtime, and in the evening.
“This would include taking what I call your mood temperature,” Estes says. “If you’re in a bad mood, you want your partner to know before you explode.” Try using a scale of 1 to 10 to let your partner know how your day is going.
When it comes to communication, there are things you’ll want to avoid whenever possible.
The silent treatment
“People often adopt the silent treatment thinking it’s setting boundaries,” says licensed therapist, Jor-El Caraballo, “but boundaries work best when communicated explicitly with a partner, otherwise they may not realize they’ve crossed one.
”
It’s better to be assertive about a boundary, Caraballo adds, than to assume that a partner knows why you’re hurt and shut them out, which can often cause more damage to a relationship.
Bringing up past mistakes
It’s easy to fall into the habit of rehashing the past during a heated moment. Regularly dredging up your partner’s mistakes can be counterproductive and just make them more defensive.
Yelling or screaming
Raising your voice during an argument or resorting to yelling and screaming is an ineffective way to process your anger.
In the long term, it can cause arguments to become more intense and erode your partner’s self-esteem.
Walking away
Stonewalling or walking away mid-argument is a way of disengaging from your partner and leaving conflict unresolved.
It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed and need a timeout. Be sure to explain that you need to take a moment away from the conversation.
Sarcasm and put-downs
Be aware of inappropriate humor when you’re in the midst of arguing. If you want to break the ice, it’s better to make a harmless joke about yourself than say something negative about them.
Disrespectful nonverbal behavior
Body language can communicate volumes. Checking your phone instead of facing them and making eye contact, for example, can make the other person feel disrespected.
Effective communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
If you’re having a hard time working through communications in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist, either on your own or with your partner, to work through any underlying issues and develop some new tools.
Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more.
Find her at cindylamothe.com.
Lack of Communication: 17 Tips for Couples
If you’re in a relationship, chances are you’ve had your fair share of tense moments. It’s OK to have arguments — clashing is a completely normal part of being a couple.
But the key to any lasting relationship is to work toward building a stronger, more intimate bond.
“Communication is important because it fosters trust and connection,” explains Shelley Sommerfeldt, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships. “In order to have an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship with our partner, we must be able to freely communicate in a healthy manner.”
Whether you’re just starting out as a couple or have been together for years, these strategies can help you both improve your communication skills.
Before you can get to work on improving your communication skills, it’s important to first identify the areas that need some work.
Here are some signs to look for.
Passive aggressive behavior
Passive aggression is a way of expressing hidden anger instead of addressing conflict head-on.
This might look like:
- cracking jokes about your partner always being late
- punishing them for being late by giving the silent treatment
- making digs about their decisions
All of these behaviors allow you to express your frustration without actually having to talk about it. It might feel satisfying in the moment, but it won’t serve you any favors in the long run.
Brushing things under the rug
Simply avoiding conflicts won’t help, either. Ignoring issues just gives them the space and time to build up into something larger down the road.
Using aggressive speech
Becoming openly defensive or hostile when talking to your partner is a sign you’ve fallen into a toxic communication pattern.
Aggressive speech can involve:
- raising your voice
- blaming or criticizing
- controlling or dominating the conversation
Recognize any of the above signs in your relationship? These tips can help you foster more open and honest communication.
Process your feelings first
Before talking with your partner about an issue that’s upsetting for you, be sure to process your own feelings on the subject and calm yourself first, says Sommerfeldt.
“If we go into a conversation feeling very angry, upset or too emotional, then the communication tends to become too heated and difficult to find resolution,” says Sommerfeldt.
Try taking a quick walk or listening to relaxing music before talking to your partner. That way you’ll be more in control of your emotions and be able to communicate well.
Thinking about timing
Choosing the right time to talk with your partner can make all the difference, Sommerfeldt notes.
If something’s weighing on your mind, give your partner a heads up that you’d like to sit down and talk.
“If your partner knows that you’d like to speak with them, this can help de-escalate the situation as well because they are less likely to feel ambushed or blindsided with a heated debate,” Sommerfeldt says.
Start with ‘I’ statements and feelings
How we speak to our partner can make all the difference. Often, couples begin a conversation by pointing the finger at the other person and placing blame, says Sommerfeldt.
She recommends beginning conversations with how you are feeling. You can ensure you do this by using statements that start with “I.”
For example, instead of calling out your partner for focusing too much on work, you could say, “I feel hurt when you always focus on work.” This is less accusatory than saying, “You’re always focusing on work.”
Focus on being both being heard and listening
“Many couples enter conversations as though they are debates or arguments that they must win,” says Sommerfeldt.
While you may not agree with your partner’s point of view, it’s important to actually listen to why they feel the way they do. They should do the same for you.
When having a discussion, don’t make it a competition to see who wins.
Instead, actively listen and try to understand their point of view.
Make compromising and resolution the goal
“Remember that the focus of communication with your partner is coming to an understanding,” Sommerfeldt explains.
Whether you’re bringing up hurt feelings or addressing conflicting ideas about future plans, both of you should leave a conversation feeling as though there’s some kind of resolution.
More often than not, that resolution relies on some level of compromise, whether it’s about the division of chores or making financial decisions.
“This helps people forgive and move forward,” she adds. “It can also bring on feelings of strength and connection between partners.”
Set clear boundaries
Placing firm boundaries can also help avoid any miscommunication, advises Cali Estes, PhD.
For example, if finances are a sore spot, consider coming up with some boundaries. Maybe you decide that any purchase over $500 must be discussed and approved by both parties before pulling the trigger.
Leave notes for your partner
It might seem minor, but leaving a note to let your partner know what you’re doing can be extremely helpful, says Estes. In addition to providing practical information, it shows your partner that you’re thinking of them and being considerate of their potential worries about where you are.
If you know you’ll be meeting up with a friend after getting groceries, leave a quick note letting your partner know.
Regularly check-in throughout the day
Similarly, Estes recommends doing regular check-ins in the morning, around lunchtime, and in the evening.
“This would include taking what I call your mood temperature,” Estes says. “If you’re in a bad mood, you want your partner to know before you explode.” Try using a scale of 1 to 10 to let your partner know how your day is going.
When it comes to communication, there are things you’ll want to avoid whenever possible.
The silent treatment
“People often adopt the silent treatment thinking it’s setting boundaries,” says licensed therapist, Jor-El Caraballo, “but boundaries work best when communicated explicitly with a partner, otherwise they may not realize they’ve crossed one. ”
It’s better to be assertive about a boundary, Caraballo adds, than to assume that a partner knows why you’re hurt and shut them out, which can often cause more damage to a relationship.
Bringing up past mistakes
It’s easy to fall into the habit of rehashing the past during a heated moment. Regularly dredging up your partner’s mistakes can be counterproductive and just make them more defensive.
Yelling or screaming
Raising your voice during an argument or resorting to yelling and screaming is an ineffective way to process your anger.
In the long term, it can cause arguments to become more intense and erode your partner’s self-esteem.
Walking away
Stonewalling or walking away mid-argument is a way of disengaging from your partner and leaving conflict unresolved.
It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed and need a timeout. Be sure to explain that you need to take a moment away from the conversation.
![]()
Sarcasm and put-downs
Be aware of inappropriate humor when you’re in the midst of arguing. If you want to break the ice, it’s better to make a harmless joke about yourself than say something negative about them.
Disrespectful nonverbal behavior
Body language can communicate volumes. Checking your phone instead of facing them and making eye contact, for example, can make the other person feel disrespected.
Effective communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
If you’re having a hard time working through communications in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist, either on your own or with your partner, to work through any underlying issues and develop some new tools.
Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.
How to talk to strengthen relationships
244,077
Relationship crisis Man and woman
Men know how important it is to talk to a woman at the beginning of a relationship. But when they realize that they have conquered it, they begin to behave as they are used to. For most members of the stronger sex, this means using conversations only to achieve a specific goal. For the vast majority of women and a small number of men, conversation is primarily pleasure. Communication allows them to feel a connection with a loved one, recharge their batteries.
“If one partner (usually a man) limits the possibility of spontaneous communication and it all comes down to discussing practical issues, the second partner feels miserable, but has to put up with it,” says interpersonal coach James Bauer. “This is a trap many couples fall into. The longer people are together, the less they talk. We discuss who will pick up the child from kindergarten, how to pay off bills and where to spend the weekend. And that is all".
How to start talking heart to heart as deeply and with interest as it was at the beginning of a relationship? James Bauer Suggests:
Allocate time. Schedule the conversation in advance. If the first thing you do when you get home is turn on your computer or dive into your smartphone, chances are you'll switch to a partner. Give each other 20 minutes that are not invaded by the television or virtual world.
Instead of discussing the issue at the everyday level, try to talk about how the partner sees himself, what he feels
Interest partner. Start the conversation with what he is interested in. For example, if you ask, “Who do you think will make it to the semi-finals of this game?”, you will most likely grab his attention right away. But the question is: “Does this skirt suit me?” is likely to leave him indifferent, even if he politely answers you. A topic that captivates the other side may turn out to be the key to ensuring that a person is disposed to confidential communication.
Be an attentive listener. You save time by washing dishes or dusting during a conversation, but for a man your ability to do several things at once means a lack of interest in his words. He will stop talking. James Bauer calls for making what he calls "transformational talk" a tradition. They break the routine of everyday relationships, in which we are often too lazy to give ourselves the mental trouble to talk about deeper topics.
"Start with any question, but look at it from a new angle," suggests Bauer. Maybe your partner is going through a difficult time at work? Do not try to immediately find the guilty or limit yourself to sympathetic phrases: “Your boss does not appreciate you,” “This company is not worthy of you.”
Yes, you flattered the interlocutor's ego, but such a message brought nothing new either to his or your life. Try to talk about how he views the current period in the context of his career. Are there any bonuses in this situation? Is he still able to learn new things? Does he see himself in another professional field? Instead of discussing the issue at the everyday level, try to talk about how the partner sees himself, how he feels, whether he is ready to move forward. Such conversations give us the strength to rethink a lot in life.”
Natalia Artsybasheva, Gestalt therapist
In a professional environment, this joke was born: "Find a good partner, and five years of marriage will replace a year of psychotherapy for you." If a couple has the skill and tradition of conversation developed in "peacetime", then in a crisis that abounds in family life, this will be a great advantage.
Many men tend to endure discomfort in silence and then disappear. Women are naturally better at communication. It is important to use this difference not for the struggle for power, but for the development of mutual understanding.
When in a couple a woman can help a man to talk about feelings, in response he helps her not to “drown” in them, but to move on to the right actions. Many couples need such a tradition also as a salvation from the now popular child-centrism. Often there comes a time when the wife is so immersed in caring for the children that the husband is left alone. A woman, on the one hand, loses his support, and on the other hand, she does everything to not get it.
These simple rules will help you build a dialogue, convey your thoughts to your loved one and better understand him.
- Talk about your condition, not about your partner: "I'm angry" instead of "You make me angry."
- Do not attack.
- Ask for more.
- Check your fantasies: "How do you feel now?" instead of "You hate me."
- Be careful with evaluation and criticism.
- Do not try to talk against your will or your partner's.
- Learn to say "stop" when you feel uncomfortable.
It is important to let it be spoken out, sometimes just saying it out loud allows you to overestimate your own thought.
About the experts
Natalia Artsybasheva , gestalt therapist.
James Bauer Interpersonal Coach. 5 products for perfect bowel function - doctor's advice
“Apathy has set in due to illness – I don’t want anything, I just feel guilty all the time”
Imaginary intellectuals: 12 reasons why we think people are smarter than they really are
Why we work productively in coffee shops: 4 tips for employees at a distance
Magical thinking: why we consider ourselves omnipotent - an explanation of a psychologist
“A young man does not see the point in marriage. This is bad?"
How to strengthen relationships: 10 wise tips for all time
Psychology
A phrase that everyone repeated at least once in their life: “Relationships are not easy!” I want to clarify. In theory, relationships themselves are very simple, because they develop in a natural rhythm according to the will of feelings: they met, fell in love, decided to be together. But the people involved in a relationship can make it difficult - and even very difficult.
The thing is, we don't like the idea that "relationships need to be worked on." What kind of nonsense is this, but what about love? Why is a harmonious union, which arose from a great and bright feeling, not able to magically work by itself, like a well-oiled machine?
Unfortunately, even the heroes of fairy tales do not hope for such a thing. Relationships really take effort, and they can be strong and happy - if you know the right life hacks. A romantic connection can be strengthened and improved by working in two directions:
- demanding more from yourself,
- demanding more from a partner.
No magic is required, everything is extremely simple and is set out below in ten tips, following which you get a sure chance to extend your relationship to the "forever" mode.
1. Don't sacrifice your personal life
Not in the sense of "keep dating with a stable partner" - that kind of freedom is hard to reconcile with serious intentions. You can burn with sincere passion for each other, but this does not mean that the rest of your life should be dissolved in selfless adoration. Do not forget your friends and loved ones, do not give up evening yoga, Saturday sessions at the spa and Sunday breakfasts with your sister. Take care of your independence, do not drown your personality in love, do not get into the habit of asking for time off and reporting - having lost the status of single, you can still do whatever you want, whenever you want. It invigorates, maintains self-esteem and saves relationships from routine and boredom.
A still from the film “Tenderness”
2. Be honest with your feelings
Tell yourself the truth and nothing but the truth: are you really happy? Satisfied? Physically, emotionally, mentally? Yes, this is not easy - the female nature is prone to sacrificial compromises, but these three points are crucial. If you are connected only by mind-blowing sex, sooner or later the problem “what about talking?” Will arise. If you entertain each other with a play on words, but at the same time, intimacy slips into a “C grade” - the prognosis is also unfavorable. Or are you satisfied with both the mind and physiology, but he avoids talking about love and has never given a flower? Obviously, this will soon cease to suit you, too. The secret of strong reciprocity is in a strong and natural connection on all points; therefore, make sure that everything in your relationship is the way it is, or at least goes towards it. In other scenarios, think about ways to retreat.
A still from the film "My King"
3. Do not pursue or torment with jealousy
Oh, that eternal woman's question: "Where are you?", piercing men like a voodoo spellcaster's needle. If you bombard him with messages 24/7, call him a hundred times a day, and in general your world revolves only around him, it's time to admit that your feelings are mutating into addiction. Persecution strangles men. This approach will not help to keep anyone, acting exactly the opposite. Be more confident in yourself, do not worry, he will not go anywhere. And even if you got such a hot handsome man that it's hard not to worry about this topic, convince yourself that you will be fine anyway. Disable the chase option. Once and for all. Remember that you are the fire. Let him chase you, it's much more fun.
A still from the movie One Day
4. Love and take care of yourself
Many women complain that they either cannot find the right partner or are always attracted to specimens who treat them the wrong way. The reason is low self-esteem: we attract the level of love that we experience for ourselves. It is impossible to burn yourself with the napalm of self-criticism on a daily basis and expect others to treat you like a queen. Believe me, men easily read it.
Take a positive look at your qualities and start loving yourself for who you are right now. And if you love yourself, then take care of yourself - stay healthy, go to bed on time, have a relaxing bubble bath, or maybe a spontaneous bachelorette party tonight. It is very important to pamper yourself by nourishing the soul outside of the relationship, otherwise you will have nothing to give.
Still from the movie "Longtime Lovers"
5. Do not strive to please and adapt
The desire to please is based on the expectation of positive feedback: love, kindness, gratitude. However, the world is unnecessarily generous with negativity, and people will gladly use you, recognizing the need to give themselves without reserve. Relationships are a two-way street: pamper yourselves, but make sure you're pampered too. Strive for a healthy balance of self-giving and selfishness. And please, don’t be fooled by the fear of loneliness, agreeing to options from the series “let it be at least that way” - this approach does not bring happiness. I am not one of those who are waiting for Mr. Perfection, but I firmly believe that each of us can count on the “what we need” option.
A still from the movie "One Meeting"
6. Don't avoid problems
Nobody likes conflicts. I mean, there are certainly people who are entertained by strife, but apparently they are in the minority. But what happens if the partners, not wanting to sort things out, constantly turn on avoidance mode? Nothing good. If you avoid problems for years, they will accumulate, and one day you will wake up 25 years later and realize that you will never be able to sort them out, because you have long forgotten how this huge pile began. Don't suppress negative (or positive) emotions. Talk to your partner about any issues that are bothering you. Firstly, you are a team, which means that we must work together to overcome adversity. And secondly, you always deserve respect and the right to speak out.
A scene from the film The Lovers
promising stage.
Still from the movie Revolutionary Road
8. Give equal effort
There is an opinion that relationships require giving back 50/50. What nonsense, only 100/100! Both partners must put 100% effort every day to maintain the relationship at the right degree and dynamics. It is difficult to expect harmony from the connection "100 to 20", "100 to 50" or even "100 to 99". You must be equal. If your alliance is out of balance, you need to talk about it in order to get back on track.
Still from the film Water for Elephants
9. Be generous with empathy and appreciation
As a team, you can't go against each other. So, you can not take into account only your own point of view. Whether you're right or wrong, accept the reality of the difference in perception. If your partner sees the situation differently, try to understand and, most importantly, let him know that you respect his view of things. What else? Be a good listener and feel free to be grateful. Even if he just loaded the dishwasher, tell him "thank you". Thank him for what he does for you and he will want to do it again to make you happy. And, of course, he will be grateful in return.
A still from The English Patient
10. Don't try to change him
It's no secret that many women believe they can change their lives. “If I make him lose 10 kilos, he will be much more attractive”, or “If I can wean him from video games, I will be happy”, or “Once we get married, he will change for the better” - all these internal insinuations have no relationship to real love and long-term happiness. If you don't like the way he looks, talks, or kisses right now, without thinking of any miraculous changes, you shouldn't be with him.
