How to help someone who lost a pet
7 Ways to Support a Friend After Losing a Pet – The Honest Kitchen
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Rebekah Olsen Send flowers, go to the funeral, share an extra-stiff margarita? But how do you support a friend who lost a pet? We share everything with our pets—our home, our food and our legroom. So even if you haven’t lost a pet, you understand the grieving process can be difficult. Recently, my friend’s dog passed away. He was 13 years old, but the death was sudden and unexpected. I wanted to show I cared and understood what she was going through so I found a few ways to help support her. You can bookmark this post if you need a few ideas in the future.
Offer a Listening Ear
“I’m sorry.” “Sending thoughts your way.” Sometimes words seem empty and fall short. But, that’s okay. Sympathy can also be expressed through silence. If you don’t know what to say, pick up the phone or head over to her house—bring a cup of coffee or some chocolate chip cookies. Sit quietly while she talks about the experience or her feelings. Make eye contact to show you’re listening, and nod your head in understanding. Allowing your friend to vocalize his or her emotions helps the grieving process along.
Reflect on Memories of the Pet
Pet parents like to know other people loved and enjoyed their pet just as much as they did.
Share your favorite memories of your friend’s pet, even if they’re small ones—and use the pet’s name. Remember that time Checkers ran out the front door, and we spent hours chasing him? Or how about the time Jalapeño stayed over at my house while you were out of town? Don’t have a memory to share? Head over to Facebook and comment on an old photo of their pet—trust me, all pet parents have oodles of these. Point out how happy his pet looked, or how cute she was as a kitten.
Donate to an Animal Shelter on Their Behalf
Was your pet’s friend a rescue? Make a small donation to the shelter on behalf of her pet. Saving a life while memorializing another one is a win-win situation.
Plant a Flowering Bush in Memory
Trees and flowering bushes will give your friend a concrete, physical representation of her pet’s memory. As she navigates the grieving process, she can water and care for the plant, getting her up, moving and enjoying some Vitamin D.
Lend a Helping Hand
Losing a pet may leave your friend glued to the bed or couch. So, if you prefer to show your love and sympathy through acts of kindness, get to work. Do a quick clean of the house, make a run to the grocery store or pick her kids up from school. Taking away a little of the day’s burdens will give your friend the space she needs to grieve.
Write a Sympathy Card
If you have a way with words, heart-felt cards are a simple way to show you care. Personalize the card by including a memory of the pet, a picture or pointing out ways your friend provided a loving home to their fur child.
Share an Encouraging Book
Books show your friend she isn’t alone in her grief. "Goodbye Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet" by Gary Kowalski offers advice on how to cope with the loss of a pet. And the tear-jerker, "Marley and Me: Life and Love with the World’s Worst Dog" by John Grogan is a heart-warming story all pet lovers can enjoy.
Flowers, cards and books won’t take away the pain of losing a pet, but they will aid in the grieving process and show your friend you care. As for my friend, I’m dedicating this article to her dog, Shelboo. See you on the flip side, pooch!
How to Support a Loved One who is Grieving » Small Animal Hospital » College of Veterinary Medicine » University of Florida
Many pets are more closely bonded to one family member than another, and therefore, family members often grieve the loss of a pet very differently. Often, people will feel at a loss for how to help a friend who has lost a pet because they have never had a pet of their own.
The following are some suggestions on how you might support a loved-one or friend who is grieving the loss of a pet:
- Listen without judging or offering advice.
- Realize that sitting quietly while a person is crying can be very helpful.
Many people feel like they have to say something to make their loved-one “feel better” and this is not the case. - Avoid all clichés or words of wisdom. While well intended, these are often very hurtful.
- If you want to help in some way, offer to do shopping, cleaning, or activities your loved-one might not have the energy to do.
- Talk about the pet. This will actually help your loved-one to feel better.
- Write down something you remember and liked about the pet and give it to the person whose pet died. This will bring back good memories and will show your concern and compassion.
- Try not to expect your loved-one to express his or her grief in a certain manner. Each person grieves differently and will take a different amount of time to heal.
- Respect your loved-one’s wish for space or time alone.
- Do not try to talk the person into getting another pet right away. Each person must decide for himself/herself when the time is right.
Determine Your Child’s Current Level of Understanding about Death
Up to approximately age eight or nine depending on a child’s individual development and experiences, it is common for children to have difficulty in the following four areas when thinking about death.
- Understanding that death is permanent and that their pet will not return
- Understanding that death happens to every person and animal
- Understanding that the body no longer functions after a person or pet dies so there is no longer a need to eat, drink, breath, etc.
- Understanding that the death did not occur as a result of something the child thought, did, or did not do
Ask your children a question about what they think happens when a pet dies and base your explanation of death on their level of understanding.
For example:
- What do you think will happen to Buddy when he dies?
Children do not conceptualize death in the same manner as adults. Young children do not think of death as final or permanent and can be very upset about the death of a pet one minute and laughing and carefree the next. This is normal behavior for a child. When children ask questions about death, answer only the question they are asking.
For example, don’t give lengthy explanations about what death means or what happens to the body if all your child wants to know is, “how will Buddy eat when it is in the ground?” Answer this question with something like, “once Buddy dies he will not need to eat anymore.”, and then let your child determine where to go from there or what other questions to ask.
Be honest with children about the death of a pet. Resist the temptation to say the pet is lost, ran away, or has found a new home. Although you might believe that these explanations will be easier for your child to cope with, they will prevent the death of a pet from being talked about and the grief your family feels from being expressed and shared as a family.
Be careful about the words or phrases you use. Saying that Buddy was “put to sleep” can be confusing to kids because they are put to sleep at night. If an illness has led to your pet’s death, and because children frequently become ill, clarify to children that not all illnesses or diseases end in death.
Say something like, “some diseases are much worse than others and Buddy had a disease that was really bad and he could not get better. ”If your pet was euthanized, you could add; “since he could not get better, we asked his doctor to give him a shot that would help him to die peacefully and prevent him from feeling really sick for a long period of time.“
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In this article we will touch on a difficult question. How to deal with the loss of an animal?
Losing pets is hard. We live with them a lot of emotions, they become our true friends, family members, we care about them and love them. A strong bond is formed between man and animal. This is why the loss of a pet is so hard.
Below we will tell you about the stages of living with grief, so that you understand what happens to a person in the process of loss and advise on how to survive the loss yourself or help another.
Stages of grief:
Shock. A state of numbness, lack of reaction to strong stimuli (they shout at you, but you do not hear), lack of emotional reactions.
⠀• At this stage, all you can do for yourself or for another is to be near or in contact with yourself. After a while, the owner of the pet will come to his senses, and the presence of someone who can help will be important to him. The result of living this stage is the recognition of what happened: this could really happen. It will take a long time before the full acceptance of the fact of death.
Negation. "This couldn't happen."
At this stage, you will be waiting for the pet to come running to the door when you get home. You can habitually put food in his bowl or go to the cage to pet the rodent. If the animal died in the clinic, you will wait for the doctor's call that the pet has woken up. But every time you will face the inevitable reality - the pet is no more.
• From now on, it is important to support yourself: cry, scream, experience emotions and feelings as you feel comfortable.
You need a lot of energy and strength to live through the loss, give them to yourself. Be attentive to the environment: if they say “this is nonsense, just a hamster, we will buy a new cat”, etc. better limit communication with these people for a while. That kind of support won't help.
• If you want to support a loved one at the time of the loss of an animal, just be there. Speak out the person’s emotions (yes, you are in unbearable pain right now), provide a supportive environment.
Most importantly, do not devalue feelings and do not offer to "make sure" of death (look, he died), so you will not do better.
Aggression.
⠀ At this stage, in addition to grief, pain and sadness, anger also appears: At oneself, doctors, relatives and anyone who was involved in the life of an animal. It is important to remember that this anger is not real. More often than not, we cannot pinpoint who is responsible for the death of an animal (yes, there are exceptions).
This anger is about general anger at the situation, at injustice. It's about your pain and despair.
⠀• Help yourself to be angry. But remember that looking for someone to blame will lead to nothing but quarrels. And if you help another to survive the loss, contain his anger: “Yes, you are angry now, I understand you, I am near and hear everything.”
Depression.
This stage is characterized by unemotional living. When there is no more strength to cry, get angry, scream. You simply exist. But inside you are still hurt and sad.
⠀• It is important to live this state and stay in it. Don't rush yourself, give yourself as much time as you need.
Adoption.
Acceptance and awareness of the fact that the pet is no more. Getting used to a new life without him. At this stage, you will already be able to remember your pet without much pain. You will have bright memories of a friend, of those pleasant feelings that you experienced while living together.
Things to remember:
We can overcome grief.
Give yourself time.
Your experiences are important.
⠀ If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a specialist, this is a normal practice. you will not be judged.
Do not forget about sleep, food and physical activity.
Support the body so that you have the strength to support yourself.
To help everyone who is faced with the loss of a pet, there is a wonderful children's book "Farewell, Mr. Muffin." Even if you are an adult, or you need to tell a child about the death of an animal, this book will help you find the right words or support you a little in coping with grief.
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How to survive the death of a pet: expert advice
Unfortunately, the age of animals is short, and sooner or later each of us is faced with the bitterness of parting.
When my first dog died, for a long time it seemed to me that she was still around. I heard her footsteps, saw her shadow. Of course, all this only seemed to me, but how real these sensations were and how painful it was to realize that this was just a figment of my imagination! Since then, I have lost several more pets, and each loss has become a tragedy ...
Photo source: http://petattack.com
Why is it so hard for us to get over the death of a pet?
Animals occupy an important place in our lives, and it is not surprising that their death is perceived as a tragedy, and we are covered with a wave of sorrow and sadness. We feel guilty that we may not have done everything we could, or that we once offended our beloved dog or cat. Mental pain is so strong that it can cause depression or illness.
For many of us, a pet is not “just a dog,” “just a cat,” or “just a horse”… you can substitute whatever you want. These are family members, our joy, our way of life.
Animals determine the daily routine, help us cope with difficulties, support us in difficult times, and simply give life meaning. And when a loved one dies, it is perfectly natural to feel pain and perceive it as a colossal loss.
Photo source: https://moderndogmagazine.com
Each of us reacts to the death of a pet differently, and the depth of grief often depends on our nature and age, the age of the pet and the circumstances of his death, as well as the presence of other animals in the family. As a rule, the more place in your life a furry or feathered friend occupied, the harder it is to survive his loss. For example, if a pet was your only friend, outlet, and light in the window, the pain can be unbearable. And if, for example, you could not cure a dog, cat or other animal (due to the fact that expensive treatment was required or you went to the veterinarian a little later than necessary), everything can be aggravated by guilt.
How to cope with the death of a pet: tips for adults
There are no universal tips on how to cope with the death of a pet, each of us copes with grief as best we can.
However, there are ways to make the loss less painful, overcome longing and continue to live.
Photo Source: https://www.thesprucepets.com
- Remember that no matter what the circumstances of your pet's death, mourning it is a completely natural, human reaction. No need to be ashamed of grief or tears . This is not a sign of weakness, but just proof that you are a normal person who is able to love.
- As a rule, the experience of loss has a number of stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Of course, knowing about this will not help you at the first stage, but it may become a little easier from the realization that, no matter how difficult the experience, sooner or later they will end. It happens that longing “rolls” in waves, capturing the whole thing, and it seems that you will drown in it - but high tide is followed by low tide .
- Give yourself time, do not try to drown out the bitter feelings or speed up the "return to normal life" - this is very important.
There is no “standard” period for experiencing loss, everyone has their own time for grieving. But the more fully you experience grief and anger, the sooner you will be able to breathe deeply again. For some people it takes weeks, for others it takes months or years. Although, of course, you won’t be able to forget about your lost friend, but over time, memories will be colored not with longing and guilt, but with light sadness and gratitude for the fact that this creature was in your life.
- Do not keep everything in yourself . Write about your feelings or discuss them with those who are ready to listen and treat your grief with understanding.
- Don't let anyone tell you exactly how you should feel . The experience of loss takes time, and the proposals to "distract" or "not worry" cause understandable and natural irritation, and even rage. If you want to get angry, cry or not cry, you have every right to do so. If you are able to find joy or laugh in life and are ready for this, this is also completely natural and should not serve as a reason for the formation of guilt.
- If possible, ignore people who can't understand your feelings or say "it was just a dog." Even if these people are dear to you. Do not waste energy on disputes , just limit such contacts. You can return to interact with them later when you're ready.
- It's great if you can find a support group made up of people who have also experienced the death of a pet - at least on the Internet. If your friends or family members are unable to understand your feelings, find someone who is. A person who has had a similar experience will better understand what you have to go through.
- As a rule, rituals are useful . For example, a funeral ceremony will help you express your feelings. You can put up a monument or plant a tree in memory of a pet, create a photo album, paint a portrait, publish a story, or in any other way honor the memory of a departed friend. Remember the funny and joyful moments that you probably had in your life together.
- Take care of yourself . The stress that we experience in connection with the death of a pet deprives us of strength. Ask friends or family to help you with household chores, eat tasty and healthy food, do not deprive yourself of sleep. Physical exercise (even walking) also helps to cope with stress.
- If you have other animals, try to return to your daily routine for them . Remember that other pets are also experiencing loss, and your grief is also stressful for them. Find time to walk and play with them.
- If necessary, seek psychological help . If your grief is so great that you cannot return to normal life, you may need medication to help manage your depression.
- Older people often take the death of a pet even harder, because they have already experienced a large number of losses in their lives. In addition, animals are sometimes the only bright moment in their lives for them.
In this case, it is extremely important not to isolate yourself from other people and not spend whole days alone . Try to communicate with at least one person a day.
- Try to find new meaning and new joy in life . If you are not ready to let a new animal into your heart, you can become a volunteer and help the animals in the shelter. And when you feel ready, take another pet. It does not compensate for the loss, but it will give a lot of joy and return optimism.
In the photo: a memorial frame in memory of the departed cat. Photo Source: https://www.grandparentgiftcompany.com
How to Help Your Child Cope with the Death of an Animal
The loss of a beloved pet can be a child's first death experience, and the experience is often traumatic. Your task is to teach children to cope with the grief of losing a true friend. How can you help your child cope with the death of an animal?
Photo source: https://www.
finalchoices.co.uk
- Be prepared for your child to be angry and blame himself (or you) for the animal's death. He may also fear that other animals (or loved ones) are also about to die. Do not get angry - these are natural feelings that the baby is entitled to.
- Some parents try to distract the child, and some do not talk about what happened or are not completely honest. They say that the pet “ran away”, “fell asleep”, which only confuses and frightens the child even more. In the end, he may be afraid to fall asleep. It is much better to be honest with children and give them the opportunity to experience grief.
- Show that you also miss the loss of a pet. If you do not share the grief of children, respect them, allow them to express their feelings openly, without shame or blame. Be proud that your child is capable of deep affection - this characterizes both him and you from the best side.
- It is important to tell the child that he is not to blame for the death of a friend.
The death of an animal can raise many questions and fears, and it is important to speak them out. - If the animal is to be euthanized, tell your child why you made this choice. Explain that the pet is sick and in great pain, that the injection is painless and will help alleviate the pain. And that sometimes, if we love someone, we have to make difficult decisions in order to save the animal from pain and suffering. Children are frightened by the discovery that there are things beyond our control, but the unknown is even more frightening. Give your child the opportunity to spend time with a pet and say goodbye to him.
- Be aware that grief can last for a long time. Don't blame children for crying.
- Together with your child, create a "wall of memory" in honor of the deceased animal: a collage of photographs and drawings, paw prints, etc.
- Let the children take part in the funeral - this will help to openly express their feelings.
- Do not rush to get a new pet to "take the place" of the old one.
Give your child time to process the loss.
In the photo: a memorial park dedicated to animals. Photo source: https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com
Should I take another pet after the death of the previous one?
Most psychologists give an unequivocal answer to this question: "Yes." However, only you can decide.
Sometimes it is useful to take a new pet right after the death of the previous one, to fill the void. As a rule, this decision turns out to be correct if the previous pet died of old age, his departure was not sudden, and you are already psychologically ready to open your heart and the doors of the house for a new friend.
Photo source: https://www.scmp.com
But sometimes we need time to process loss. If you can't live without animals, go to a shelter or help a dog rescue team.
By spending time with other animals, you will not only honor the memory of a departed friend, but also help other animals, and will also be able to understand when you are ready to take on a new pet.
