How to heal from infidelity in a marriage
Practical, Science-Based Steps to Heal from an Affair
Working through an affair is tough. It takes tremendous energy and vulnerability on both sides.
Working through an affair is tough. It takes tremendous energy and vulnerability on both sides.
Working through an affair is tough. It takes tremendous energy and vulnerability on both sides.
Many years ago, in the Clinton era, I was asked to do an interview on whether Hillary and Bill would make it through Bill’s affair. Responding psychologically rather than politically, my answer was to say, “If couples didn’t make it through affairs, the divorce rate would be even higher than it is now.”
Working through an affair is tough. It takes tremendous energy and vulnerability on both sides. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have developed the Trust Revival Method, with three defined stages of treatment: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. The effectiveness of this model is being studied in a randomized clinical trial.
I’ve watched hundreds of couples try this method, and I’ve learned a few practical things about effective treatment along the way. To provide clarity, let’s use names: Jennifer and Sam are married, and Jennifer had an affair with Anthony.
Seek couples therapy, not just individual counseling
Trust is an obvious issue and is vital to regain. But if both partners are committed to reconciling the marriage, or at least to try, then seeing a couples therapist together is most helpful. Individual therapy doesn’t help regain this trust and may only make healing more complicated. Enough secrets have been kept. Even if Jennifer is talking about the love she had for Anthony, it’s important that Sam regain his role as confidante, and it’s even more important that Jennifer be completely transparent about what happened.
Often, people who engage in an affair will balk at the idea of sharing with their spouse their struggles with letting go of their lover. The most important point? To move ahead, Sam needs to actively hear and believe that Jennifer is choosing him and their marriage.
Realize that the “truth” rarely comes out all at once
This is a tough one. Those who have had an affair, whether they’ve been caught or whether they’ve actually come forward, rarely tell the whole story initially. In this case, Jennifer will either feel guilty and extremely protective of Sam, not wanting to hurt him anymore, or she’ll be protective of Anthony. Or both.
The latter reason may likely infuriate Sam. But it’s part of the process. The “story” usually emerges slowly, even though Sam might want the truth and all of the truth right away. Jennifer may not be able to do that. Remember, she’s now committed to the marriage and more than likely fears Sam’s reaction. That “too much too soon” may blow up in her face.
When this occurs, it’s very easy for the hurt partner to view this as more intentional deceit, which many betrayed people say is just as difficult to work through than any sexual or emotional indiscretion. The therapist needs to guide the couple carefully through the betrayer’s tangle of self-protection or protection of a lover and the defensiveness and shame that comes with it, as well as the betrayed’s desperately wanting and deserving “the absolute truth” and the sadness, rage, and fear that accompanies it.
All of this lies in the Atonement phase, which is a working through of anger, fear, guilt, and shame. It’s a tightrope that has to be walked very carefully, and with as much openness as possible.
The problems in the relationship did not cause the affair but are important to change
Jennifer is totally responsible for going outside the marriage to get her needs met. That is clear. But affairs happen in contexts. And that context is Jennifer and Sam’s marriage.
Sam and Jennifer will want to create a fresh, enlivened relationship where both can recommit and leave behind the relationship that was not working. The task is to learn new skills and new ways of communicating so both can feel better about their marriage. They’re not going back. They’re going forward. They’re starting marriage #2.
If Jennifer is adamant about blaming the marriage and only the marriage, that’s not a good sign. In Gottman terms, she’d be stuck in the barn with the Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse and not moving forward.
The same would be evident if Sam insisted that the marriage had been great with absolutely nothing amiss or broken. Both would be locked in defensiveness and contempt.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman teach that talking about the context of the marriage doesn’t belong in the “Atonement” process, but belongs in the second “Attunement” phase of treatment. This may be easier said than done. I’ve found that as long as distinctions are being made, and very clear boundaries are formed—that nothing happened in the marriage to cause the betrayer to betray—that both can be discussed. However, it’s far better to keep them clear from one another, if possible.
Give structure to communication about the affair
Dr. Shirley Glass points out in her book “Not Just Friends” that the betrayed partner often fits criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, with their emotional well-being heavily threatened and a sense of safety having disappeared from the marriage. It’s important to structure the sessions to help the betrayed work through that trauma, as slowly as is needed, and not amplify symptoms like hypervigilance, nightmares, or flashbacks.
And, in all seriousness, this process can’t happen quickly enough for the betrayer nor slow enough for the betrayed.
Jennifer’s job is evident. She must cut ties with Anthony. She needs to provide whatever information Sam needs to help him heal. Most people seem to want a lot of information, often coming in with pages of questions.
If Jennifer is reticent to proactively offer openness to what used to be more private choices (cell phone or social media account passwords, for example), that may be a signal that the hurtful impact of the affair is still not understood, or the betrayer has not fully taken responsibility. At that point, work directed at the betrayer, to try to understand their balking (whether it’s an issue still with the affair, or is it some other individual trait, such as a struggle with control) is vital for the therapeutic process to go forward.
It is best if the couple can wait and only talk about the affair in the therapist’s office. But some people just can’t wait, so we would suggest that they limit, perhaps even by strictly scheduling, the time that they talk about it.
Each would need to agree that they will refrain from using the four horsemen during those conversations. This structure helps prevent emotional explosions or from the affair gaining any more power than it already has, while also honoring the need for healing.
The affair will be on everyone’s mind. But it’s got to be fenced in to some degree. You are looking for new information to use for recommitment.
People in Sam’s role can sometimes get lost in the details, wanting to know everything about the affair. For example, asking if Jennifer loved Anthony, or why she was attracted to him, may be important details for Sam to know. But Drs. John and Julie Gottman would suggest that he, and others like him, need to be careful, again recalling Dr. Glass’ admonitions concerning PTSD. He runs the risk of becoming re-traumatized by the revelation of intimate details, such as where the affair happened and what the sex was like. He can become obsessive, requesting too much information. Yet if not enough is asked and absorbed, it can lead to later regret.
What’s the goal here? Sam finally says to himself, “You know, I just don’t need to ask that question. I’ve asked all I need to ask. I’m okay with not knowing.”
Realize the need for trust travels in both directions
The last thing that Jennifer wants to realize is that 10 or 15 years down the road, Sam says, “You know, I never really forgave you for that affair. I want a divorce.” Or he might never say those words, and simply act it out passive-aggressively.
That is very sad. Couples have come to me years after doing therapy for an affair. There has been no true stage of reconciliation that Drs. John and Julie Gottman would call “Attachment.” The unforgiving spouse remains bitter, but may try to hide it. The unforgiven feels a loneliness that he or she doesn’t understand; it may be that everything “looks” fine, but underneath there is still distrust, blame, or anger.
Sam should take on the responsibility of giving reassurance to Jennifer that trust is building.
He can say things sincerely, such as, “I wanted to text and ask you to take a picture of where you were at 10:00 last night when you were out of town, but I realized I didn’t need to. I’m past that.”
Jennifer can begin to feel hopeless if not given this information, or that her efforts are not being recognized. Both need to deeply understand and believe that the other is on board for a new commitment, that they both have chosen to remain, and are working on a new relationship dynamic that outshines their previous connection.
The process of healing from an affair takes time. Like all grief, it comes in waves. One day, it will seem like it happened a long time ago. The next? Either Jennifer or Sam can get triggered, and emotions will feel once again very raw.
Learning new skills of communicating about conflict, rebuilding trust, rekindling physical and sexual connection, giving time and attention to how the problems have affected the children or other family members. All of that can happen with time and energy.
There are many variations to the above. Such are the complications of being human.
The good news? It can be accomplished, and the commitment can be richer than ever. Not because of the affair, but because of the work done to make marriage #2 better than marriage #1 ever was.
How can you know you’re in a happy relationship that’s both good for your health and everyone around you? Can such a thing be measured? It can! The Gottman Relationship Adviser, the world’s first complete relationship wellness tool for couples, takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital relationship plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.
For an in-depth analysis of your relationship health check out the Gottman Assessment, a virtual relationship evaluation tool for couples.
Take this free relationship quiz and find out how well you know your partner.
Has your relationship experienced a sexual or an emotional affair? The Gottman Institute is currently seeking couples for an international study on affair recovery.
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Affair Recovery | How to get over cheating – Dr. Wyatt Fisher
I'm going to talk about the highly sensitive topic of affair recovery. Research shows around 50% of all marriages will experience infidelity on some level over the course of their relationship. In my private practice at least half of all the couples I work with are recovering from infidelity and they want help with "how to get over cheating." But before going further, let me define my terms.
What is affair recovery?
Affair recovery is the process of healing a relationship mentally, emotionally, and physically after it has experienced infidelity. Affair recovery usually takes anywhere from six months to two years and is often a painful process yet a possible one for couples who possess humility, compassion, and tenacity.
An affair can be anywhere from an emotional affair all the way to a sexual affair.
The emotional affair is when you develop an inappropriately close emotional attachment with someone other than your spouse and that person becomes your best friend, your soul mate. You share everything with them and you start falling in love with them. With an emotional affair, it's usually just a matter of time before it turns sexual unless it's stopped. Obviously, a sexual affair is when there's sexual contact. Emotional affairs are usually more difficult to recover from instead of one night stands because of the attachment. In an emotional affair, a strong attachment has formed, which can be hard to break. In contrast, a one night stand often involves little to no attachment so is much easier to break.
All forms of affairs are highly traumatic to marriages across the globe. The number one thing that rocks the foundation of security in a relationship is infidelity. No matter what language you speak, no matter what color of your skin, no matter what ethnicity or cultural background, infidelity rocks the foundation of relationships like nothing else.
The betrayed partner usually develops symptoms akin to PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the massive pain and loss of control. A lot of the symptoms can include intrusive thoughts, irritability, panic attacks, flashbacks, feeling numb to life, etc. The following steps are designed to help your relationship heal.
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Step One- Cease all contact
The first step is you have to stop all contact with the person you've had the affair with. That may require a variety of things. Depending on your situation, this may include quitting your job, moving to a different neighborhood or state, changing churches, etc. You have to cut out all contact with the affair person because if you don't, the affair will linger. A lot of people are under the misconception that they can stop the affair but still be friends with the person or still see them once in awhile. That is impossible. An affair is an addiction.
The feel good chemicals in your brain were low because of things going on in your life and your marriage. Then, this person came around and met your needs and flooded your brain with feel good chemicals, which turned them into an addiction. Just like any type of addiction, whether it's heroin or cocaine or whatever, if you get around it, you're going to fall back into it. Likewise with affairs. If you've had an affair with somebody, that person has become your addiction so if you come in contact with them on any level, most likely you're going to fall right back into the affair. In addition, each time you have repeated contact with the affair person it will retraumatize your spouse and all healing in your marriage will be lost.
If you're the betrayed partner reading this and your partner won't end all contact with their lover, your first round of offense is to expose the affair to all your family and friends, which creates social pressure for your partner to end it. The intent is not to shame your partner but to have trusted family & friends confront them about their hurtful behavior to snap them back into reality.
When you're in an affair, you often don't realize how devastating your behavior is because you're living a fantasy. If that social pressure doesn't make your partner end all contact with their lover, your next move should be separation with zero contact until your partner can prove they have no more contact with their lover. This is important for two reasons. First, it allows you to establish a boundary so you're not continually emotionally abused by your partner's ongoing contact with their lover. Second, it gives your partner a chance to see what life without you would be like. If after 3-6 months your partner still hasn't ended all contact with their lover then proceed with divorce.
Also, it's important for the wayward partner to take an STD test in case they contracted something during the affair. It's important for the betrayed partner to go with them for the results to hear it firsthand. This should be required even if the wayward partner promises it was only an emotional affair and nothing physical happened.
You don't want to take any chances. The only thing worse than recovering from an affair is also getting an STD from your partner because of their affair.
Step Two- Open all accounts
Step number two is you have to share all accounts and your phone with your partner to show you have no more contact with your lover. This is also recommended for couples where there's been no infidelity to foster trust and transparency. It communicates, I have nothing to hide. You have to voluntarily give your phone over whenever your spouse desires it. You've broken trust. To earn that trust back, you have to open up all accounts. Sometimes it can be tempting to have secret accounts. But if you really want your marriage to recover, there's no point in having any secrets. You have to turn it all over. It will help your betrayed spouse slowly start trusting you again because at this point your word means nothing. You've broken trust, you've lied. What you say doesn't matter. Your actions are what matters.
Voluntarily opening up all accounts and sharing your phone with your partner will help them start to heal. They can't start the healing journey until they know you have no more contact with your lover. Practicing openness also helps the wayward partner because affairs thrive in secrecy. Therefore, if there's no opportunity for it to grow in secrecy it will eventually die.
If your partner refuses or is angry about sharing all accounts and their phone to prove they have no more contact with their lover remember the two steps of offense above. Expose the affair to all friends and family to create social pressure and if that's not enough for them to cooperate get a separation until they do. If your partner is angry or resistant about sharing everything with you it's probably because they are trying to stay in touch with their lover and don't want to end it.
One way to think about affairs is the person who steps outside the marriage and has the affair, that's 100% their fault.
However, the climate in the marriage that made them susceptible to stepping outside the marriage is usually both partner's fault.
Step Three- Show remorse
Step three is you have to show sincere remorse. If you've had an affair then act indifferent toward the impact it's had on your spouse, recovery is not possible. You have to take ownership for how devastating this has been to your relationship. Even if you were unhappy, even if your needs weren't being met, you broke your vows to your spouse and betrayed them. Therefore, it's critical to take ownership for how much you have rocked the foundation of your marriage. Heartfelt remorse for having the affair is paramount. If you don't take ownership for the affair and aren't remorseful, it's going to be next to impossible for your partner to forgive you.
Step Four - Process the hurts
Step four is processing through your hurts, which may go both directions. Obviously the betrayed spouse is going to have a lot of hurt they'll need to express.
But the wayward partner may also have hurts because perhaps one of the reasons they had the affair is their needs were unmet repeatedly for years despite their frequent complaints. So both of you need a method to get out your hurts. I teach couples a conflict resolution method called the reunite tool, which is a set of guidelines on how to keep conversations safe. When the hurt is not fully vented and released, it will come out in destructive ways through yelling, harsh comments, and contemptuous remarks, which will only make matters worse. Hurt people hurt people but that just damages the relationship further. So, having some type of method to work through your hurts constructively is key. You may need to work with a relationship coach to effectively do this.
Step Five- Discuss the details
People often wonder how much detail should be shared about an affair. Some betrayed spouses want to know every detail while others only want a summary. Usually the wayward spouse doesn’t want to share any details, so the betrayed spouse keeps asking for them, sometimes for years.
Each time the affair gets brought up, it re-traumatizes the relationship. The betrayed spouse should be in charge of how much detail is shared, not the wayward spouse. However, remember the more detail you hear the more devastated you may become. Therefore, consider carefully how much information you need to know and why. Make a list of all the questions you have about the affair for your wayward partner. Some request their wayward spouse to answer the questions while connected to a lie detector test to increase the trustworthiness of their answers. That's a personal decision up to the betrayed partner. If you're the wayward partner, your job is to work much harder at healing the marriage than your spouse so if they request a lie detector test, do it! However, after the questions, both partners should agree not to bring up the affair any longer, excluding triggers, because each time it's brought up the marriage will suffer.
Step Six- Manage triggers
Part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is getting triggered.
Those who have been in combat will often experience flashbacks of the horrors they went through. Those who have been through natural disasters will often experience flashbacks of the devastation they experienced. Likewise, those who have been betrayed by an affair will often have flashbacks of the pain they suffered. Therefore, learning how to manage triggers is important for all couples who have experienced an affair. When triggered, the betrayed spouse must avoid two extremes. The first is not mentioning the trigger and suffering in silence, which will make you withdrawal emotionally. The second is becoming verbally aggressive toward your partner, which will lead to conflict. The third and recommended approach is to express each trigger with your tender underbelly. The tender underbelly is the tender feelings underneath your anger, such as sad, hurt, insecure, fearful, etc. For example, a tender underbelly statement when triggered could be “I was watching a movie last night that involved an affair and it triggered me with your affair and brought up all the feelings of sadness, hurt, and fear.
” The job of the wayward spouse is to respond with empathy, an apology, and reassurance, such as “I can definitely see how the movie would have triggered your feelings of sadness, hurt, and fear with the affair and I’m so sorry I hurt you, and I promise never to do something like that again.” This type of response to triggers creates healing opportunities for the marriage and if handled in this way triggers will decrease with time. The opposite is also true. If the betrayed partner expresses triggers with anger and the wayward partner responds with defensiveness, triggers will increase with time.
Step Seven- Develop compassion
Step seven is developing compassion toward your partner's hurtful behavior. Working on compassion is step seven because it's only appropriate after the wayward partner has cut off all contact with their lover, opened all accounts, expressed sincere remorse, has listened effectively to your hurts, has cooperated with answering your questions about the affair, and has responded well to your triggers.
Only then does it make sense to start working on compassion toward their hurtful behavior. Developing compassion doesn't excuse away their hurtful behavior but it helps explain why it occurred. There are four questions to answer to foster compassion toward your partner's hurtful behavior and it's important to review these four areas whenever your hurt rises. First, what about your partner's upbringing or past may have influenced their affair? For example, many adults raised in a home where they felt inadequate are at higher risk for an affair because an affair makes them feel extremely wanted and important. Second, what about your partner's circumstances may have influenced their affair? For example, the more stress people are under the less willpower they have to resist tempting situations. Third, what was your pattern of behavior that may have increased their susceptibility to an affair? For example, perhaps you had been avoiding emotional or physical intimacy for an extended period of time.
Fourth, what about your past is getting activated by the affair? For example, perhaps you have a history of feeling rejected or abandoned growing up so that's heightening your reaction to the affair. The goal of the questions is to help you understand all the variables that contributed to the affair. If you don't understand all the variables, it's difficult to move forward. Reviewing the answers to the four questions often acts as ointment to the affair wound when it rises by cultivating compassion.
Step Eight- Watch your self-talk
Step eight is reflecting on what you think the affair says about you. The betrayed spouse will often have negative thoughts, such as, "If I stay in this relationship I'm a fool" or "I'm unlovable or else they wouldn't have cheated." These statements are generalizations and need to be adjusted. The wayward spouse may also have negative thoughts about themselves, such as "I'm a piece of trash for cheating" or "I don't deserve a second chance.
" How we think determines how we feel and how we behave. Therefore, getting our thoughts straight is paramount. To adjust your negative thoughts start by writing them down so you can look at them more objectively. Next, think of an alternative statement that's more balanced and truthful beside each original thought. For example, if the original thought is "If I stay in this relationship I'm a fool" an adjusted thought could be "If my partner hadn't cut off all contact with their lover, opened all accounts willingly, and expressed sincere remorse, I would be a fool for staying in this relationship. However, they have done those things so my decision to stay in the marriage is warranted." Another example, if the original thought is "I'm a piece of trash for cheating" an adjusted thought could be "I made a very poor decision to cheat that was extremely hurtful to my spouse; however, it doesn't mean I'm a piece of trash. I was in a bad place in life and made a terrible decision."
Step Nine- Fill your love buckets
Step nine is discovering the top things you need to fill up your love bucket to feel loved and satisfied and the top things your partner does that drains your love bucket.
We all have a love bucket inside of us and we all need certain things to fill it up. Some common fillers include adoration, affection, sex, emotional closeness, thoughtful gestures, etc. Some common drainers include criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, not sharing power, etc. When you're dating you naturally fill up your partner's love bucket. However, after you're together for awhile most people stop filling their partner's love bucket and start draining it instead. Before long, the full bucket that made you fall in love with your partner becomes more and more empty until it's dry. Dry buckets increase susceptibility for affairs. Therefore, one of the best ways to affair proof your relationship moving forward is making sure you're both excelling at your partner's fillers they desire while minimizing the drainers they dislike to keep your buckets full. Here's an article to learn more about this model and reversing a loveless marriage.
Step Ten- Develop boundaries
The last step on recovering from an affair is discussing what boundaries you both will follow moving forward to reduce your affair risk.
What's that going to look like for your relationship? For example, how should boundaries look when you're traveling away from one another? How should it look if you're going out with your friends for the night without your partner? What boundaries should you have around colleagues? What about at the gym? What should your limits be with alcohol when you're not together? What's not acceptable to discuss with the opposite gender? Working through these questions is vital to develop a unified front against future affairs. So many couples fall into affairs because they put themselves in risky situations without realizing it. Don't let that happen to you. Discuss what your boundaries as a couple will be to fortify your marriage from affairs moving forward.
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As you can see, the road to affair recovery is narrow, but there is a road! Couples who follow these steps faithfully will discover the answers to "how to get over cheating.
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For further reading check out the articles below.
Surviving infidelity
Is my marriage over?
Should I get a divorce?
Sign up for Dr. Wyatt's FREE resource on Unlocking the Keys to Emotional Intimacy Tonight. Get it here!
Leave a comment below on which step you feel is hardest in affair recovery and why.
How to heal after infidelity - DIVORCE.help
Few events destroy a marriage as much as infidelity, which can lead to distrust, insecurity and divorce. Statistics on adultery are difficult to ascertain, as extramarital affairs cannot be viewed as objectively as divorce or marriage. An estimated 60% of husbands and 40% of wives have an affair at some point in their marriage; less than 10% of people who have had affairs divorce or marry their loved ones.
Infidelity is not a "death sentence"
As painful and devastating as infidelity is, family therapists say it is a wound that can be gradually healed.
It takes into account the opinion of millions of people who have survived the novel: infidelity is a treatable crisis. Sounds like a monumental risk? This is true, so it is necessary to consider some recommendations on how to heal if you are being cheated on.
No matter how gloomy the situation may seem, in theory any marriage can be fixed, even if you are on the verge of breaking up. First of all, experts argue that there is no “quick fix” to repair the damage done by an unfaithful partner. This process takes time—often years—and requires a lot of patience to deal with disappointment and setbacks. Be prepared for any situation and it will lessen over time. However, according to experts, here are the most important steps to healing from infidelity:
When it comes to infidelity, seek help.
What an unfaithful partner should do
• Be absolutely honest in your actions. The unfaithful must be ready to talk about infidelity in detail and in detail in accordance with the wishes of the partner.
Women need to know why this happened. They feel that if they do not find the root of the infidelity, then it is likely to repeat itself, and the truth contributes to healing, as it turns off the imagination. What they imagine is usually much worse than what actually happened. If talking about infidelity is extremely uncomfortable, consider seeking help from a family therapist or marriage counselor to navigate the minefield.
• Express remorse and behave in a trustworthy manner. He should be sincerely sorry for hurting you and show countless proofs of his loyalty since then, especially recently, when trust has been eroded. He needs to show that he respects you, that he cares about your need for reassurance. For example, it is useful for him to tell what he does and where he goes when you are not together in order to restore the level of trust.
• Reflect to determine why you had this affair outside of a marriage or relationship. If the reason was dissatisfaction with the marriage, then this needs to be talked about so that both partners can change something.
Recognizing the vulnerabilities in the relationship that contributed to the infidelity is critical to preventing a recurrence of infidelity.
What the person who has been cheated on should do
• Ask for everything you need for healing. Obviously, the cheater must give in and make an effort to heal and improve the marriage or relationship, and the betrayer must tell her what needs to be done to regain trust.
• Spend time with your partner without revolving around cheating. It is especially important to reunite as friends and lovers, to enjoy each other's presence. Go for walks, restaurants, and concerts—do whatever you can to bring you back together.
• Choose forgiveness. Infidelity is not forgotten. Memory cannot be erased, but the act itself can be forgiven, and over time it will fade against the backdrop of a strong marriage. A deceived woman must forgive - this is the last step to healing. You forgive not just for the sake of another, but to enlighten yourself, lay the foundation for a new stage in life, restore intimacy and connection .
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Saving a marriage after infidelity requires great dedication and effort. Marriages shattered by infidelity, experts say, are often stronger than they were before, because eventually a near-fatal disaster prompts the couple to take joint responsibility for each other's happiness.
6 mandatory steps recommended by psychologists
Cheating is a hard blow. You can’t just get an apology from the one who deceived, and continue to live as if nothing had happened. Psychologists tell you what actions to take, regardless of whether you decide to give the relationship a second chance or are going to break up.
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Betrayal is a constant background of our lives.
We read news about divorces of stars who caught the faithful with their mistresses. We watch series where infidelity is the cornerstone of the plot, from Big Little Lies to Unscrupulous. But just because deception is being normalized in the media doesn't mean it should be taken lightly. Cheating has long-term consequences for self-esteem, ability to trust, and feelings of security.
Marriage and family therapist Cindy Grajkowski says the most common consequence of betrayal is a traumatic reaction. “People seem to be going through a car accident. They no longer feel safe, cannot sleep, and overreact to everything,” Grajkowski says.
Of course, the behavior of each person who is faced with betrayal is individual. But it is important to understand what effect a partner’s infidelity has on us and what will help us get through what happened, regardless of whether you want to stay together or intend to break the union.
Dr.
Carla Marie Manley, a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma and relationship problems, also believes that cheating should not be taken lightly. "It's cruel and undermines the foundation of marriage - trust," she says. You should not believe that this is “just sex” - a very important connection has been broken that allows people to stay with each other.
This does not mean that the couple is doomed to part. But very often people ask themselves only one question: “Stay or leave?” But there is another, much more important one: “How can I be healed after what happened?” Several experts have shared what needs to be done before moving forward, whether together or alone.
Step One: Acknowledge Your Past
Grajkowski explains that the trauma a person gets after cheating can bring back the emotions they experienced in the past. If you've been cheated on in the past, if you've been in an abusive or abusive relationship, this can affect how you perceive infidelity and the pain it causes.
It is important to consider all this in order to understand what problems may arise in the course of healing.
Dating and relationship expert Cheryl Muir explains that identifying the source of resentment can sometimes be difficult, as cheating affects trust and self-esteem at the same time. “If they are already on shaky ground, then infidelity can trigger an emotional avalanche,” she says. “It is very difficult to navigate in the muddy pool of pain and shame.” But it is important not to push feelings aside - this is the only way to deal with them.
Step Two: Process Your Emotions
Muir says the healthiest way to deal with infidelity is to process all of your emotions. “You have to give yourself time to feel and label them,” she explains. It will sound like this: "I'm sad", "I feel betrayed and angry", "It's hard for me to trust this person." Encountering emotions, we go through them - just like, for example, through the process of mourning.
Step three: avoid self-flagellation
Everything is simple and clear here: if you have been cheated on, it is not your fault. No, it's not that you've gained weight, you don't want to deepthroat, you're too busy with your career or having a baby. “In all the years of my work, I have not met a single person who would have cheated and was not 100% to blame for this,” says Dr. Manley.
This does not mean that there were no other problems in the relationship that both parties could contribute to. But the responsibility for infidelity lies solely with the one who decided to go left.
So don't blame yourself: if you get stuck in a cycle of self-blame, you won't be able to get to the root of the pain and truly heal from it. And even more so, don’t let other people shame you: boldly ask everyone who starts to hint that you should be more attentive to your husband, wear lacy lingerie more often, go to 138 Thai oral techniques courses, lose ten kilograms or get rid of mimic wrinkles.
Step Four: Analyze Your Behavior Patterns
If you consistently choose a partner who cheats or mistreats you, then Muir advises being "radically honest" and admitting it. “In such cases, you need to work on self-esteem and increase it to the understanding that you are worthy of a person who treats you well,” she says.
Dr. Manley explains that low self-esteem has a negative effect on the ability to test a potential soul mate. Instead of noticing the warning signals, we ignore them, stepping on the same rake again. “If someone from childhood believes that they do not deserve much, then they will subconsciously look for people who will prove that these beliefs are true,” Muir said.
Step Five: Work on Yourself
To heal from betrayal, Dr. Manley explains, you need to slow down and consciously work on yourself. It's not enough to just say, "It's not my fault!" Self-reflection and self-confidence-building efforts will be required.
And this requires strength, time and, possibly, help. First of all, people with low self-esteem will need it - and it doesn’t matter if these are childhood problems or the result of a recent toxic relationship.
Step Six: Practice Trust in Other Relationships
It may be impossible to bring him back to his partner. But just living and building a marriage without trust is very difficult, and therefore you should work to bring it back, not to this person, but to people in general. Muir says friendship is a great place to start doing that. “Practice openness with close friends, share experiences with them, and ask for their support,” she says.
You can't let one traitor spoil your years of life. Train trust in platonic relationships - then you will more easily and naturally bring it into love. This does not mean that you have to throw out all the details of life to the first person you meet. But you need to regain confidence that there are people nearby who will not let you down, and then they will really appear.
