My mom worked way too hard

It's been building up for a long time. From childhood they taught me to be independent. I was an ordinary child, I was engaged in circles. They weren't particularly interested, and I didn't really let them into my life. I didn’t need support, I always came home on time, I could always cook something for myself and I didn’t have to constantly beg from my parents, so to speak. And if some clothes were needed, for example, they saw for themselves, because I was in front of them.

When I left, I felt that I had disappeared from their apartment, disappeared from line of sight. And their interest in me also disappeared. My parents had the opportunity to help me, because in principle they allowed themselves to spend money on some things that were not essential, so to speak. They could have fun, plan a vacation abroad, and at this time I needed tenths of the funds that they spend. I was dependent, I did not have the opportunity to provide for myself during my studies. I stopped feeling this support, stopped feeling that my parents somehow remember me, think about me.

They only sent money on request. This amount was only enough for a short period of time - a week or two. For food, basic household needs. I had to borrow, think of ways to get through this moment somehow. Winter has literally come, I don’t have winter shoes, I call my parents, but this was not part of their plans.

I told my parents about my life, problems with peers, and so on. But I didn’t see any interest from my parents, I didn’t hear any questions about what and how.

When I graduated from the university, I found a job, and in principle everything was in order, I even figured out housing. And in one of the conversations with my mother (she called me, congratulated me on my housewarming), she asked how to help me. I said I need a washing machine. She said: “Good,” but then she disappeared and there was no further news from her. For the next couple of months, she did not communicate with me, did not get in touch.

It's not about money, it's about attitude, attention. At first they created such a situation that I could not rely on them, count on them, were not interested, did not try to share my difficulties, to support me. And then they began to be offended that we didn’t have such a warm relationship, that I had my own thoughts and we didn’t communicate much. They think I just need to grow up. They attribute this to some kind of childishness, to the fact that I have not grown up yet and behave like a teenager.

In my opinion, the only way to maintain communication is for me to find a psychotherapist, for my parents to find a psychotherapist, to work through this situation, to study it thoroughly. I don't see a way out of this situation on my own. For my part, I do not feel the need for any warmth. I have my own circle of people, I have my own family that will always support me, I am sure of it.

But at the same time, I understand that sooner or later the time will come when we will have to contact somehow. I love my parents, I think that my parents also love me in a certain way. But here they are hindered, it seems to me, by the problem of how they were brought up, the problem of their childhood, namely psychological problems. My love is not unconditional either. It would also be nice for me to work through this moment, to reflect on this state in order to understand why I love them somehow not in the way they need it.

But in our culture it is generally not customary to turn to psychotherapists. Parents think it's overkill. I think that if this is not worked out, then communication will completely stop. So far, over the years, there has not been such a thing that I did not pick up the phone and cut off all contacts. But we call each other only a few times a year, on holidays. As a rule, this is a short formal conversation.

One of the signs of parental abuse is a persistent sense of guilt

Photo: Alexander Oshchepkov / NGS

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Olya Dankeshen, 38 years old. Doesn’t communicate with mother for 1.5 years:

“I didn’t talk to my mother for 1.5 years, and before that, for half a year, I minimized contact very much. We couldn't talk properly. Even when she called me to visit, she began to find fault, to break down, she became ill, she began to freak out. Even on the phone, none of our conversations could end almost normally.

I have a whole range of psychosomatic diseases , which are typical for all children of abusive parents. At a certain point, when I had already begun to work with my brains, I began to understand that as soon as I saw a call from my mother, I just started having wild back pains. Abuse is some explainable things, and inexplicable things. What is recognized by society as violence is being thrown out into the stairwell, some spankings, some screams. I remember this from the age of five. She often had temper tantrums.

As a child, I thought, did she really give birth to me? To say that mother's love was not felt is a very mild description. There was hatred. I remember myself from the age of about a year. I cried, no one approached me. I have 80 photos in the album where I cry. My first memory is of her teasing me for hours. I want to grab, see, but she won't let me. When she gave it to me, I had such a feeling of anger at a young age, I broke this clock.

My mother pretended to be a victim — that she pulls us, that she gave birth to us, she is a saint. You live with it and do not understand that something is wrong. I studied well, went to circles myself, had good relations at school, at the university, at work. Nevertheless, my mother convinced me that I was not normal.

From the age of 13, it can be said that anger and rage increased. After the divorce, she began to have absolute power. She took me to every occasion. If it's a birthday, then she will beat me to such a state that I sobbed in front of my guests. For example, hot was delayed for 15 minutes. In principle, nothing terrible, but I was humiliated in the kitchen in front of a friend, there was some kind of verbal abuse. There was always a feeling that someone was hanging over you and ready to fuck you at any second: you are such a scoundrel, a disgrace, a shame, and so on.

When her father was around, she could mutter something, but she didn't thrash very much. Once I didn't have time to tidy up the apartment for her arrival. And I also had a puppy, he piled up somewhere behind the curtain, I didn’t see. Mother arrived early. She beat me and beat my dog. I somehow got used to my beatings, and the beatings of the dog terrified me so much that I just scooped up the puppy and went somewhere else, did not spend the night at home.

I was always reproached for being like my paternal relatives, as if I could change that. My mother hated my grandmother, I could see her pain on her face when she noticed it.

When I was 18, I decided it was time to leave . And then my mother changed tactics. I still don't understand what came over her. When I went abroad, she started calling me every day, she was affectionate. I thought: now, it turns out, what kind of mother I have, worried, probably just strict, but she loves me very much.

Abusive parents get mad when you become free . Because a joyful person is relaxed and this is something negative, they make it so that there is a feeling of guilt. Ultimately, you get used to not being happy yourself or not showing your joy. I even started hiding when I started doing something, some kind of hobby, so that they would not tell me anything, because it was like some kind of hypnosis.

Mother controlled my leisure time - come and weed my garden. All children are like children, and you are freaks - you do not help. As soon as I began to have some success, she began to have anxiety. Of course, there are some good moments. Any evening when you can talk, even if you got a little shit. It seems like it's okay, we're kindred. It's like having a cake with a little potassium cyanide thrown into it.

I minimized communication for six months, then I went to therapy. When I was told not to communicate with my mother, I thought that a year is fine, but five years is a lot.

Parents are often traumatized children themselves, so psychotherapists advise both parties not to neglect professional help in resolving conflicts

Photo: Vera Salnitskaya

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During our penultimate meeting, she hit me on the head. At that moment, my mother was doing my hair and wanted to spray it with varnish. And I have an allergy, I said that my head would itch and I shouldn't do it. But she was not interested, and I insisted on my own. And then it hits me in the head with all my might. I didn’t even have anger, I realized that this marginalism goes beyond all boundaries and there is no more strength to forgive. I just said that's it, I went.

I don't know how she reacted to the fact that I stopped communicating with because I immediately blocked her completely. At first I did not want to break off her communication with my child, but nevertheless I decided that it would be better this way.

The psychotherapist diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder. It's like war veterans. Very many people who grew up with toxic parents have this diagnosis. And I initially did not really believe her that my health and affairs would improve if I stopped communicating with my mother.

After I stopped communicating, even my hormones began to return to normal. A year went by and I got better. My nerves, my health began to improve. Gradually, a picture of what was happening to me began to take shape. I feel that some kind of poison is gradually coming out of me, in some doses, as if this dysfunction is exfoliating, my brain is being rewired.

Technically you can communicate again, but this toxic upbringing is at the level of reflexes. Mother, her voice, her look, some intonations. They can act depressingly on a person. I already perceive her as a stranger, she, in principle, has always been a stranger to me.

There are people whose parents died in an accident, nothing can be done about it.

If we meet by chance, I will take her like any other woman on street. No, I won’t come, I have nothing to talk about, I don’t want to say anything anymore. I still have the feeling of being released from prison after 20 years in prison. I look at healthy people, how they live. I begin to painfully learn step by step how normal people live.

After separation, it happens that the image of the mother is stratified . Because there are both negative and positive aspects. She cooked something, called for dinner, bought some beautiful thing. There is still a craving for glimpses, but I realize that this has nothing to do with a real person. I have closed the need for parental love, because I understand that this connection will never happen again.

Too much care: what is overprotection

The current generation of teenagers is fundamentally different from their parents. Let's remember our school years: moms and dads worked, came late, their strength was barely enough to find out if the lessons were ready. And we led our own lives: we went out with friends, ran to clubs and dates, did homework without outside help and prepared for tests.

Much has changed now. Not every parent will let a child go to a circle alone, and this circle can be located on the other side of the city. Parents strive to give their child everything possible, and many teenagers have less and less free time. Many mothers do not work, devoting themselves entirely to the family.

And in this new reality, a new, previously little-known problem appeared - overprotection.

What is overprotection?

Family upbringing can be described using various characteristics: how many demands are placed on a child, how he is encouraged or punished, what he is allowed or forbidden to do. One of these characteristics is the level of care. It shows how much effort, attention, time the parents devote to the child. Well-known experts in the field of family relations E. Eidemiller and V. Justickis call such a parenting style that has developed in the family, in which children are given a lot of time, effort and attention, caring for children becomes the main thing in the life of parents. In reality, this manifests itself in the fact that parents help their son or daughter too much.

Of course, any child needs help and care from mom and dad, and not every hint or reminder is a manifestation of overprotection. Caring becomes superfluous when the parents do for the child what he may well learn to do for himself, or when, as a result of this help, the child feels weak and worthless. You can often find the conventional wisdom that the exclusive attention of parents is necessary for successful development. This is true if we are talking about babies up to a year old. After this age, the balance of independence and parental care is important for the child, and every year of his life this balance changes: independence should become more and more.

Two types of overprotection

In psychology, there are two types of overprotection. The first kind is called indulgent . In this case, parents do not just do a lot of work on the child, they do it in an exceptionally mild form, trying to limit the teenager as little as possible. The needs of the child become the most important, mom and dad are ready to sacrifice their interests for the sake of him. In addition, as a rule, with condoning overprotection, almost nothing is forbidden to the child. In extreme versions of this type of overprotection, the mother of an eighth-grader can call her son's class teacher and ask him to check that his son has eaten, and the graduate's grandmother refuses to go to the hospital in order to be able to accompany her granddaughter to school.

In the second type of overprotection - dominant - parents not only help the child too much, but also constantly control him. Mom or dad constantly command the teenager, demand or forbid something, as a rule, without being interested in the opinion of the child himself and not allowing him to take the initiative. Often this is accompanied by negative comments about the child. Here is a typical example. Mom and daughter of thirteen years old came to visit, the hostess asks the girl: “What salad do you want to put?”. Mom intervenes before her daughter can say a word: “That one over there, without mayonnaise, and so she has already gained weight over the summer.”

We emphasize that in the second form of overprotection, remarks are not necessarily made in a rude or disrespectful manner. Notations, explanations, persistent reminders are also its manifestations. Many parents will say: “I wouldn’t take care of him like that if he was independent and remembered everything himself.” However, independence and self-organization are formed gradually, they will not appear from nowhere at a certain age. When the children were small and learning to walk, at first they needed our help, we led them by the hand. Gradually they learned to walk on their own. The same thing happens with independence: it develops in stages, parents gradually complicate what they entrust to the child. But if you do everything for the child and help him too much, there is nowhere to take independence from. There is a kind of vicious circle: overprotection prevents the child from becoming independent and we continue to patronize him.

Why does overprotection occur?

When a child is still very young, parents do almost everything for him: feed, dress, play with him. Gradually, the baby's abilities grow: he learns to walk, dress himself, he can already play by himself. Every year, he needs less and less help from adults, and the task of parents is to adapt to a new level of development of the child, reducing the number of guardianships. But it is not always possible to rebuild - and then the parents continue to take care of the child as actively, help, suggest.

There may be various reasons for this. Some strive to give their children what they themselves did not receive: for example, the grandmother worked and hardly delved into the lives of her children, who grew up, became parents themselves and are now ready to spend round the clock next to their child. Events in the life of the family can also affect: if at some stage the parents were very worried about the child (say, he was seriously ill or had an accident with him), if the child was hard to get (say, was born after a long treatment or IVF). The personal characteristics of the parents also affect: the mother-boss, who is accustomed to lead her subordinates, often controls the children just as strictly.

Finally, parents and grandparents want to feel needed and in demand. Overprotection often becomes an opportunity to feel needed for the family. This is especially common in cases where family care becomes the main area of ​​implementation: a non-working mother or a retired grandmother is more likely to become overprotective. I'll give you an example. There were many conflicts in the family between the grandmother and the fourteen-year-old grandson: the boy insisted that he could do many things himself (and his parents were ready to give him such an opportunity), and his grandmother tried to help him. Finally, when, nevertheless, mom and dad decided to give their son more independence in some areas, the grandmother was indignant: “Well, if you don’t need me at all, you can send me to a nursing home.”

In some cases it can be helpful for parents to understand what leads to overprotection. This is the first step towards getting rid of it. But the class teacher needs to carefully consider whether it is worth raising this issue himself or whether it is better to invite the parent to talk with a psychologist. A conversation about the roots of overprotection can be quite painful for a parent.

How does overprotection interfere with a child?

Let's ask ourselves simple questions: why do you need to raise a child at all and what is the main goal of parenthood? You can answer them in different ways, but the main thing will be present in all answers: we want to prepare children for life so that they can be successful and happy in the society in which they will live. And for this, a teenager needs a sense of self-confidence, the ability to take the initiative, cope with difficulties and comply with the rules and norms existing in society.

An overprotective child finds it difficult to learn to be independent and self-sufficient because of so much care. In both types of overprotectiveness, adolescents may have self-esteem issues. In the indulgent version, self-esteem is usually very high, but extremely unstable, and children find it difficult to cope with failure. Overprotective mothers often notice that their children react very violently to the slightest failure. And no wonder: the child is used to being indulged in everything and he is always in the first place.

In the second type, we often observe low self-esteem. The child grows up driven and insecure, because the mother always knows better, he is used to the fact that his opinion is not taken into account, and cannot insist on it.

Of course, all children are different, and they will react differently to overprotection: some teenagers will begin to actively protest when they reach adolescence, while others will finally take a passive position and rely on their elders for everything. But in any case, the consequences will be negative.

How do you know if you are overprotective?

To begin with, try to honestly answer the following questions for yourself:
— Can I say that raising a child has become for me the main thing in my life?
- Do I regularly forget about my interests in order to take care of a child?
— What part of my day is taken up by the time I spend with my child?
— Did I give up something very important to me for the sake of the child? (Naturally, we are not talking about one-time actions, but about sustainable trends).
If you readily agree to these questions, most likely, some elements of overprotection take place.

Observe how you communicate with your child.
— How do you help him?
- How do you comment on what the child is doing?
— Do you give him the opportunity to take the initiative?
— Is it possible to say that the peers of your child do for themselves what you do for him?

In a number of cases, it is difficult for us to be critical of our behavior. If you find it difficult to assess your own behavior or doubt the correctness of your conclusions, you can always seek advice from a family or adolescent psychologist.

What should overprotective parents do?

The obvious answer is to reduce the amount of care and assistance for the child. This is not easy to do, but it is possible, although it will require significant self-organization on the part of the parent.

Giving up overprotectiveness does not mean that you need to let the situation take its course and give the teenager complete freedom. He does not need this, and he is not ready for such freedom. It is important to turn overprotection into effective help for a teenager. To do this, first of all, teach your teenager to ask for help. No need to rush to the aid of the child as soon as he encounters difficulties. Wait for the teenager to think and try to cope with the difficulty that has arisen, and only then ask: “Do you need my help?” If the child agrees, then specify: “How exactly can I help you?”. If the child is at a loss with an answer, offer options to choose from: “Do you need to explain the problem or just sit next to you?”. If he refused, you don’t need to dissuade him that he can’t do it himself, it’s better to say: “Good. I'll be back in half an hour." And if after half an hour he still hasn’t done it, only here you can say: “I see that this is not an easy task. Let's try together."

Together with your teenager, consider in which area you could stop helping him. It is enough to choose one thing, albeit insignificant: brushing your teeth, biology lessons, getting ready for the pool. It is best if it is some business that he himself likes and in which you are really ready not to interfere. Emphasize that he is now doing this himself. Praise him periodically for doing it himself. After a while, it makes sense to expand this list and add something else there. If a teenager forgets about this, it should be his own problem: he didn’t go to the pool - he didn’t go swimming. Therefore, you need to choose exactly such cases that you are ready to completely give him at his mercy.

If you are prone to the first type of overprotectiveness, it is very important to expand your horizons and scope of interests. Think: what else could you do? You don't have to go to work at all. Perhaps you have some kind of hobby, you have long wanted to learn a foreign language or dance. Or maybe at the school where your teenager is studying, you will be happy to meet in the parent committee.

If a teenager comes to you for advice or a question about a difficult situation, take your time to answer. First ask the child what he thinks about this. Or offer several options to choose from and ask the child what seems optimal. At the same time, refrain from criticism or notations.

If you are prone to the second type of overprotectiveness, it is important to learn how to let your teenager take the initiative. Ask him for his opinion on certain issues, offer him a choice of several options, whether it's breakfast dishes or the color of sneakers. But if you give a child a choice, in no case should you dissuade him or show that he has chosen incorrectly. It is better not to give a choice at all than to ask: “What do you choose?” and then do it anyway.

If you observe overprotection on the part of one of the family members (for example, grandmother), try to find a new job for this person, thanks to which he will feel needed and in demand.

And most importantly, it is important to remember that giving up overprotection is a manifestation of love for a child. By reducing our care, stopping helping him when he does not need it, we give him the opportunity to believe in himself, to become more independent and mature.

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