How to have a good mother daughter relationship


7 Meaningful Ways to Build an Unbreakable Mother-Daughter Relationship

The mother-daughter connection is like none other. It’s an intense, special bond that is instrumental in the lives of both. Sadly, it can also be complex, challenging, and even toxic. A dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship can adversely affect both parties for the rest of their lives.

If you’re struggling to reap a fulfilling bond with your daughter, here are some loving ways to connect and stay strong.

Remember to have a great relationship with yourself

When you’re trying to improve your connection with other people, it’s easy to focus on the negative behaviors and habits of the person you seek to change. Have you noticed that when you’re in conflict with someone you automatically analyze their shortcomings and annoying habits? There’s no way you’d snap your gum as loudly as that know-it-all PTA mom, right?

If you want to connect with people wholeheartedly, you need to accept yourself wholeheartedly first. And that’s especially true if you want to build a better relationship with your daughter.

If you want to connect with people wholeheartedly, you need to accept yourself wholeheartedly first.

Before you attempt to repair or strengthen your mother-daughter relationship, do some soul-searching. Honestly assess how you feel about yourself. What are your goals and values? How’s your self-esteem and self-care? Do you take time to nurture your own mind, body, and soul?

As busy mothers, we can easily forget our own needs. That can lead to feelings of resentment and negativity. PsychCentral’s article opens in a new windowHow to Build a Healthy Relationship with Yourself Every Day offers some helpful tips to cultivate a loving sense of self. Personal life coach Stephanie Kang recommends tuning in to our inner chatter as a way to stay true to ourselves.

Starting to notice this is a great first step because it is often so unconscious. … Once we become more aware of how we relate to ourselves, we can reflect on what effect it’s having, and how we want to change.

Stephanie Kang

RELATED: 5 Ways That ‘Selfish Parenting’ Can Benefit Your Family

Encourage and develop your daughter’s emotional education

The first step toward strengthening your child’s ability to manage strong relationship emotions is to teach her to identify and understand them. Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as those of others. It’s extremely important when fostering your relationship with your daughter.

In opens in a new windowa previous episode, I interviewed author Mallika Chopra, daughter of spiritual guru Deepak Chopra, about the immense stress today’s young people endure in their daily lives. Her popular book,   opens in a new windowJust Feel: How to Be Stronger, Happier, Healthier, and More is a full-color, illustrated guide for kids ages 8-12 that gives them the tools to build resilience and overcome their daily pressures.

Kids need to know that their feelings are potent and affect both their mood and choices.

Mallika is passionate about teaching our kids that their emotions, whether happy or sad, are normal and that they shouldn’t suppress them. A key takeaway from my interview was that kids need to know that their feelings are potent and affect both their mood and choices. Her book provides mindful exercises that show kids how to identify their feelings, express them, and make good choices. Putting these strategies into action will help them develop independence, grit, and inner strength.

One way that I stay connected to my daughters is to use a tool I learned years ago called a “spontaneous check-in.” I find random occasions to stop what I’m doing and check in with them to see how their day is going, or to follow-up with a question I asked that may not be resolved yet. The key  is to be totally engaged. Leave multi-tasking behind when you check in.

My college daughter is always busy with studies and internship. I text or leave her voicemail messages to let her know I’m thinking about her and that I’m available to talk whenever she’s available, no matter what. She’s a night owl like me, so I’m never surprised to get a call around midnight when she’s up studying. My 14-year old daughter is navigating the murky waters of opens in a new windowteen drama, so I regularly stop her when she walks in the door and ask her specifically how she’s feeling after a stressful exam or other event at school. Likewise, when I notice she’s in a great mood, I ask what’s got her feeling so good so we can celebrate together. These spontaneous check-ins keep us connected, and they make it much easier to address problem areas when they arise.

RELATED: How Emotional Intelligence Can Help Your Child Thrive

Learn to speak your daughter’s love language so you can better understand what makes her tick.

I may have lots of practical experience raising my brood of eight kids, but I’m always interested in improving my parenting game, particularly when it comes to communicating with my kids more effectively.

Year’s ago, I read a thought-provoking book about how to better understand my kids— opens in a new windowThe Five Love Languages of Teenagers by NY Times best-selling author Dr. Gary Chapman. The premise is simple—we’re all different with different personalities, therefore we express love in different ways.

When we understand what resonates with our kids, we can focus on that preference to communicate and bond in a deep, trusting way.

Dr. Chapman called these ways of expressing and receiving love the “5 Love Languages.” They are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Each individual has at least one language they prefer above the others. When we understand what resonates with them, we can focus on that preference to communicate and bond in a deep, trusting way.

My kids are each motivated by different approaches. For example, two of my kids thrive with hugs and touch, while another two prefer verbal affirmations and nothing touchy-feely. Once I had a better understanding of their “love language” I was able to understand and connect with them on a more meaningful level.

I highly encourage you to visit Dr. Chapman’s website, opens in a new window5lovelanguages.com and take one of his love quizzes. You’ll be amazed at how insightful this information is and what a helpful tool it is in bonding with your daughter and all your children.

RELATED: 15 Ways To Show Your Family You Love Them

Make the time to hang out and have regular mother-daughter dates 

Nothing shows your child how much you love and value her than the gift of spending time together. Hanging out with your daughter on a regular basis signals that you enjoy her company and want to be with her.

Finding time to take a walk each week offers priceless time to chit-chat about anything and everything that is important to each of you. Your daughter gets to engage about friendships, hobbies, fashion, music, teen culture, boys, and so much more. You get to take your “mom” hat off and get to know all about her dreams, worries, and everyday concerns. In the process, she learns about you and your aspirations. You may even discover you’ve actually got a lot in common!

Hanging out with your daughter on a regular basis signals that you enjoy her company and want to be with her.

If a walk isn’t your thing, sit with your daughter and make a list of some other activities you can enjoy together. You might even uncover some interests you didn’t know she had in the process. And if your daughter is still a baby or a toddler, get in the practice of these one-on-one outings now so they become a part of your regular routine as she grows into a young adult.

Whatever you decide, keep it going on a consistent basis and make the time just about the two of you—with no distractions such as cell phones, tv shows, or other siblings in tow. Developing a personal, intimate relationship where you both respect one another and your boundaries takes time, but when you make these mother-daughter dates a part of your regular schedule it will be well worth it.

Practice the 20-second rule and other proven tips recommended by Dr. Roni Sandler.

As I mentioned earlier in this episode, I am always on the lookout for great parenting books. Roni Sandler, Ph.D., author of I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict, delivered.

This book offers practical communication strategies including sample dos and dont’s dialogues. I found the following four tactics extremely helpful:

Practice the 20-second rule

When you need to address a confrontational issue with your daughter—don’t go into lecture mode. Instead, share your thoughts and point of view in 20 seconds or less. By doing so, you stay on task with your point and you don’t risk having your daughter tune you out. Once you’ve calmly made your point in 20 seconds, tell her you’ll revisit the subject when you’ve both had time to think about it.

Take your emotional temperature

Before you have an intense discussion with your daughter, gauge your emotions to be sure your feelings are under control. You’ll want to think clearly and keep your composure and be sure to keep your cool. This will keep your stress levels down. You’ll also be a great role model for your daughter.

Choose your battles carefully

Don’t focus on every trivial issue or annoyance that comes down the pike. If you do, you won’t have any emotional energy left for the bigger issues that inevitably come along.

Impart your message in a receptive manner

Don’t be sarcastic, critical, or hostile when delivering an important message. Choose your words and tone of voice carefully. For example, if your daughter is whining or being sarcastic when you ask her to take care of her evening chores, you could say to her “I’d really like us to get along better, so could you please use a nicer tone of voice?” She’ll be more likely to hear you and receive the message than she would if you screeched “You don’t get to talk to me that way! I’ll bet Taylor doesn’t talk to her mom like that.

Affirm her and catch her doing good

Get into the habit of celebrating your daughter’s successes. When our kids are praised for something they’ve done well, and we take the time to let them know we’ve noticed, this builds self-esteem and encourages a growth mindset. You don’t have to hoot and holler every time our daughter puts her clean laundry away or remembers to feed the dog. Just genuinely and regularly take notice of her efforts. Make eye contact and say “I’ve noticed you’re putting in extra time with your homework assignments—way to go!” You’re fostering that growth mindset. The consistent, positive reinforcement will inspire her to continue doing better.

Try guided meditation together

One of my daughter’s has struggled with anxiety issues since she was in middle school. She’s now able to manage her condition with several holistic tools she’s learned through the years. One of those is a guided meditation technique.

Meditation is a terrific tool to help quiet your mind and nerves when life gets chaotic. It’s an effective way to get yourself grounded and back on track. It’s also a great way to connect with another human being.

If you’re looking for a relaxing way to spend time together, try this wonderful and very calming guided meditation specifically geared towards mothers and daughters. My daughter and I enjoy listening to this and other meditations because it relaxes us and makes us feel closer to one another organically.

Easy Ways to Improve Your Mother-Daughter Relationship – PureWow

1. Set Realistic Expectations for Your Relationship

In a perfect world, we would all have strong relationships with everyone in our lives, including our mothers and daughters. But the thing is, the world isn’t perfect. Some parent-child duos will be the best of friends, while others will merely tolerate each other. If you’re looking to improve your relationship, be realistic about it. Maybe you’re not meant to be best friends—that’s OK. What can be a bummer is getting your hopes up for something that’s never going to happen and being disappointed when it inevitably doesn’t.

2. Find Common Interests

Whether it’s hiking or shopping or getting manicures, identify activities that you both love and do them together. Spending quality time together should never feel like work, and an easy way to ensure that is by spending that time together doing something you both enjoy. If you somehow don’t have any interests in common, try things that are new for both of you. Who knows, maybe you’ll both take to pottery-making immediately.

3. Pick Your Battles

Sometimes it’s worth agreeing to disagree. Mothers and daughters, though often similar in many ways, have to remember that they were raised in different eras and have lived different experiences. You and your mom might have totally different ideas about careers, relationships and parenting, and that’s fine. It’s important to identify the areas where neither of you is likely to change your mind and agree to respect the other’s opinion without judgement or hostility.

4. Learn to Forgive

Hanging on to feelings of resentment is bad for you—literally. Studies have shown holding grudges increases blood pressure, heart rate and nervous system activity. Alternatively, embracing forgiveness can improve overall health by reducing stress levels. Beyond physical health, letting go can improve one’s mental health, relationships and career trajectory. Healthline reports built-up anger directed at one party can bleed over into other relationships. Resenting your mom for judging your relationship with your spouse could manifest in you yelling at your own kids at the drop of a hat. From changing your perspective to downloading a meditation app, here are eight unique exercises to help you let go of resentment.

5. Work on Your Communication

As in every type of relationship, communication is a major key to success. Neither you nor your daughter (or mother) are mind readers. Being open with each other about how you’re feeling is a surefire way to avoid that oh-so-common thing where a minor issue becomes a major issue because you didn’t nip it in the bud soon enough.

6. Set (and Maintain) Boundaries

Boundaries are the building blocks of any good relationship, so enforcing them with family is the key to maintaining a healthy distance while still being a part of each other’s lives. Therapist Irina Firstein tells us that boundaries are a way to get ahead of familiar drama by creating situations that you feel comfortable and safe in. Boundaries allow you to call the shots, so you can avoid any unwanted outbursts at the dentist or eye rolls at the dinner table. “Lay out for your mom the specific things she say or ways she acts that hurt you,” Firstein explains. This could be anything from a snide comment she made about your partner to the way she put you down while talking about your recent promotion at work. “Tell her that you won’t be around her if she’s going to speak to you like that. You can also let her know that if she chooses not to check her attitude at the door when you see her, those visits will be fewer and farther between, for your own sake.”

It could also be as simple as setting small rules to avoid potential outbursts. If you know your mother will gawk at the price of organic lemons in Whole Foods, agree to only shop together at Trader Joe’s. If you can’t stand watching your daughter spend hours scrolling through Instagram, request a no-phone policy after dinner. Instituting a fair and healthy boundary means you’ll still be able to be a part of each other’s lives, but only in settings that you both mutually accept.

7. Work on Your Listening Skills

You consider yourself a first-rate conversationalist. You can finish sentences and pinpoint thoughts like nobody’s business. (You’re like Queer Eye’s unlicensed therapist, Karamo, but IRL.) Hate to break it to you, but your enthusiastic interjecting is actually getting in the way of the most important conversation skill of all: thoughtful listening. Luckily, there’s a trick for how to be a better listener (or at least seem like one), and it’s surprisingly simple. Before you give a response, pause. That’s it. Really.

According to the late psychologist (and author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and It’s All Small Stuff) Richard Carlson, it’s called “breathe before you speak.”

Dr. Kenneth Miller, Ph.D., gives a version of the method: “Before you respond in a conversation, take a breath. Not an enormous, loud, obvious breath that screams out ‘I am trying a new technique for better listening!’ No, just a normal, simple, ordinary breath.” Inhale, then exhale.

Dr. Miller says the technique can feel awkward at first, especially for people who aren’t comfortable with silence. *Raises hand* In that case, you can ease into it with just an inhale.

But why does the method work? For starters, it stops you from accidentally interrupting whoever’s speaking. The slight pause is a natural cue that they can comfortably continue what they’re saying. In a way, it allows them to relax; without the pressure of trying to get a word in, they feel more compelled to share their thoughts.

Second, the pause gives you a chance to reconsider your own response. (Remember that old adage, “Think before you speak”? It’s actually kinda true.) Who knows? You might even decide to say nothing at all.

8. Use ‘I’ Statements When Disagreements Arise

Even in the strongest mother-daughter relationships, disagreements happen. When they do, it’s helpful to equip yourself with techniques to diffuse the situation. Case in point: ‘I’ statements. Heather Monroe, licensed clinical social worker and senior clinician at Newport Institute, suggests that rather than telling your mom, ‘You’re thinking about this all wrong,’ turn the focus onto yourself by saying things like ‘I believe ____’ and ‘I think ____’ to diffuse tension. Another thing to keep in mind when arguments happen is that it’s unlikely that any good will come from involving a third party. It can be tempting to vent to your dad when your mom is driving you positively mad, but dragging someone else into your disagreement is likely to make things even more strained.

How to build a relationship with your mother in adulthood

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Many women do not understand how important a good relationship with their mother is. They suffer from the fact that she takes up too much space in their lives. The image of a condemning or approving figure, the need to earn her recognition is oppressive, does not allow you to start your own life. “Fixing your relationship with your mother means adding calmness and confidence to life, feeling happier,” says psychologist Terry Apter.

It is not uncommon for the daughters of domineering, commanding, and all-knowing mothers to move to another city, country, or somehow distance themselves. Behind the grandiose-dominant figure of the mother, it can be difficult for them to discern an ordinary woman, the same as they are: with ups and downs, successes and disappointments, with the right to make mistakes, feelings and desires.

In order for mother and daughter to be able to move on without losing each other, both need to go through mourning for the child-parent relationship that bound them before. Unfortunately, a smooth transition from the relationship of mother and child to friendship or at least mutual respect does not always occur.

On the mother's side: mourning for a daughter-child

A growing daughter is joy and pride. The results of hard work, sleepless nights, tears shed. Reflection of maternal appearance, character and habits in a new person. But a growing daughter is also sadness for her own youth, past joys and unfulfilled dreams. Sorrow for your baby, irrevocable motherhood, a sense of self-importance.

Mother needs to see in her daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother

A mother needs to give up omnipotence - real or imagined, become more flexible, see in her daughter a woman who herself will soon become or has already become a mother. The task of the mother is to convey to her daughter the correct maternal identification: the ability to see and respect a separate personality in her child.

According to Caroline Eljacheff and Nathalie Einisch, French psychoanalysts and co-authors of Daughters-Mothers: The Third Extra, only with this approach does the mother get the opportunity to “build a relationship with her daughter that, without canceling out the past, allows finding a compromise in the present.”

On the daughter's side: mourning for childhood

Sometimes a mother is not ready to let go of her daughter, to accept the woman in her. Then the daughter can teach her a lesson by showing that she is already old enough, which means that their relationship implies equality and respect. But separated, it is important to maintain respect for the mother.

For a woman, relations with her mother are complicated by the fact that, despite all the insults and misunderstandings, she will sooner or later have to identify with her in order to discover the maternal function in herself. The more acceptance a daughter can find in herself in relation to her mother, the less conflict her own motherhood will be for her.

The daughter's maturation is inevitably accompanied by the mother's aging - sooner or later the asymmetry of power and care will turn upside down, the daughter will have to take care of her own mother. It is important for both to be able to agree and find a compromise before the mother loses the physical and / or mental ability to do so.

Watching the gradual fading of her mother, the daughter says goodbye to the person who brought her into this world, says goodbye to her childhood and at the same time loses the last barrier separating her from death herself.

Finding balance: realistic expectations

Deep down, we all want our relationship with our mother to be special and intimate. Unfortunately, reality often diverges from the ideal. This is not as bad as it might seem at first glance.

Try to imagine a real relationship - instead of an imaginary idyll, they have a place for mutual insults and joys. Instead of an impeccably beautiful or, conversely, a devilishly terrible image of a mother that lives in your soul, there is a real person with their own advantages and disadvantages. So you can establish a more lively and sincere contact, see the usual human manifestations in the mother.

No matter how difficult your dialogue is, it is important to understand that both of you are already adults.

American psychologist Paula Kaplan advises you to take an interest in your mother's story - to look at her life from the outside in order to re-evaluate her actions. As a child, you can hold a grudge and anger for some words, actions or inactions of your mother, but as an adult woman and evaluating her life from the height of your experience, you may be able to understand, forgive and accept something.

The generation of women who are now over 60 were brought up in conditions of acute scarcity and rigid moral principles, which could not but leave an imprint on them, including as mothers.

As both mother and daughter mature and become more aware of each other's character, attitudes, and values, the desire to break through established mother-daughter roles to a deeper understanding becomes stronger.

Terry Apter believes that returning to earlier roles - picky mother or naughty child - can interfere with the development of relationships in adulthood. “Speak with the full power of your adult personality,” the psychologist advises. “Then the mother is more likely to answer you as an adult than as a child.” As difficult as your dialogue may be, it is important to understand that you are both already adults.

Respect is the first step towards friendship

38-year-old Maria recalls being completely broken when her always active and successful mother suddenly fell into depression, divorced her father and moved to another country. “For many years I blamed her and wished only one thing: that she would do everything differently and correct her mistake,” says Maria. “Only now I understand how hard this decision was for her, how wisely she acted - she stopped torturing herself, her father and all of us.” Maria believes that life in different countries helped both of them to distance themselves from the situation and reassess the past. Now they treat each other with great respect.

The time apart helped 60-year-old Alexandra get closer to her daughter. “When Anna left for Canada, we began to correspond. It was easier in letters than by phone to express thoughts and feelings that we had never voiced in a live conversation. I missed her a lot, but the first year I did not come to visit. She once wrote: "This is your time, enjoy it."

There are neither ideal mothers nor ideal daughters.

Such a relationship with a mother is like a friendship. Both mother and daughter are involved in each other's lives, but respect personal space. This allows them to overcome trials and enjoy the good news together. “When I was diagnosed with cancer, Anna behaved very nobly - she invited me to live with her, and every day I could see my granddaughter,” says Alexandra. “It’s like we made an unspoken promise: we can be together, but at the same time, each one lives and goes about her life, no matter how difficult it may be.”

There are no ideal mothers or ideal daughters. The main thing is that you definitely will not have another mother. Realizing this, you can, if not stop being angry at your mother for her mistakes, then at least try to behave like an adult woman and build communication from this position. Then the relationship between you will become, if not ideal, but conscious, and your life will become more calm and happy.

How to mature your relationship with your mother

Show interest. What was your mother's life besides motherhood? How was her childhood, youth? What did she dream about, what came true, what does she regret? Try to look at your loved one from the side, not only as a daughter. This will provide an opportunity to re-evaluate the motives of her actions.

Look for similarities. Yes, you are different, but your mother gave you not only life, but also 50% of her genes. Maybe you have common hobbies or you like to cook for loved ones, just like your mother once cooked for you. Ultimately, both of you are women. The more sides you are willing to accept, the less resentment will poison your life.

Communicate. Try to talk about something that has never been talked about before. So you can move away from the usual communication style that was formed in childhood, and at the same time learn something new about a loved one.

Be direct. What do you expect from your mother, how do you see your relationship? If you clearly and confidently express your position, the other side is likely to treat it with respect. Directly ask your mother: “What can I do for you?” Remember, it is probably more difficult for her, due to her upbringing, to say this. Pleasant little things with which you can please each other will help to get closer. As a rule, mothers need so little.

Write a letter. Work on the inner attitude towards your mother that you carry within you. One way to forgive and let go is to write a letter outlining all your feelings, grievances, and wishes.

Text: Yulia Kolotyrkina Photo source: Getty Images

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How to correct the relationship between mother and daughter from the point of view of psychology?

Today I will tell you how you can improve the relationship between mother and daughter and what are the reasons for negative feelings between them.

"A child is a guest in your house: feed him, teach him and let him go" - the essence of this Indian proverb is obvious, but, alas, it is very difficult for many parents to understand it. Someone perceives their child as property, someone instills a sense of unrequited debt and shame.

A mother-daughter bond is a bond that leaves a significant imprint on both women . This article on our website lifeinheart.com will help you figure out why mothers sometimes don't like their daughters, why a daughter can hate her mother, and what to do to improve relationships?

Contents

Mother's role in personality formation

What is motherhood? Unconditional love? Self-sacrifice? Lifetime liability? – This is the all-encompassing word includes all of these . After all, the formation of the daughter's personality, her perception of herself and the world around her largely depends on the behavior of the parent. So, what does a mother mean to a little girl?

  1. Feeling of security. Mom is the person in front of whom the baby should not be afraid to be herself. Clumsy, with tattered knees, love for "boyish" cartoons and sports. A zone free from judgment and the need to adapt will allow her to form her own vision of the world through trial and error.
  2. The right to be a child. A girl, next to whom there is an adult, responsible and mature personality, can calmly do her “childish things”: play with dolls, play pranks, walk and learn. Not being burdened by adult responsibilities and knowledge is something every child is entitled to.
  3. An example of social interaction. If a mother on the playground constantly gossips about her neighbors, expresses her dissatisfaction with her husband, this will be fixed in her daughter as a priori correct and acceptable behavior. That is why young parents should pay as much attention to introspection as possible.
  4. An example of a wife. According to statistics - more than 50% of childhood injuries were received due to the forced contemplation of parental scandals. Every dissatisfied grimace of the mother, a quarrel behind closed doors and an unflattering review of the father as the head of the family is deposited, if not in the memory, then in the subconscious of the baby.
  5. The ability to love and be loved. Observing her mother's behavior, a girl answers herself many important questions. Do the parents love each other or just live together? What actions express her warm feeling? Is she expecting something in return, or are her actions disinterested? Does she accept signs of attention or pushes them away?
Almost the whole future life of her daughter depends on her mother

“Mom is the first word, the main word in every life…” – Do you remember this song? With the realization of the influence that the mother's position in life has on the formation of her daughter as an integral, separate person, it becomes even more meaningful.

If you are not sure of your own viability as a mother, seek help from a professional psychologist. A specialist will help you identify and resolve family conflicts.

Mother-daughter relationship depending on age stages

For 9 months, mother and daughter are in complete symbiosis: they are an inseparable whole. But this does not mean at all that this connection ceases with the cutting of the umbilical cord: a smooth and natural rejection begins, due to self-consciousness:

  • From birth to one and a half years - absolute dependence. The mother is fully responsible for the well-being and safety of the baby. Gender doesn't matter. The natural maternal instinct, laid down by nature, came into force.
  • From one and a half to three years - awareness of one's own needs. A baby at this age begins to realize her own desires that do not fit into the schedule or what her mother offers her. Phrases such as “give”, “I want / don’t want”, “I will / I won’t”, etc. appear in the lexicon. The girl begins to feel the need to make independent decisions, but at the same time she acts with an eye on her mother’s reaction. The mother, in turn, experiences a permanent feeling of concern for her child - all her efforts are aimed at protecting the life and health of the child.
  • Three to seven years - identification period. The girl begins to identify herself with her mother, realizing her belonging to the female sex and adopting typical gender habits. At this stage, parents should give the child a little more free will and teach all the necessary self-care skills. Around the same time, the girl has her first friends, personal preferences and secrets.
  • Puberty is an artificial conflict between mother and daughter. It is no longer a child that appears before the parents, but not yet a woman. What was previously taken for granted, taken for granted, begins to be rethought and criticized. The mother must get used to the idea that she will have to re-build relationships and learn to negotiate. The main thing to do is to maintain trust.
  • Youth is the stabilization of relations between mother and daughter. An independent personality appears before the parents, with their own formed interests and views on life. Her role as a child ends naturally. She has the right to privacy, independent choice of a life partner and sexual partners, and the mother can only recognize this.
  • Mother becomes a grandmother. The news that the daughter will soon become a mother herself brings women very close. For the first time in a long time, the expectant mother frankly needs maternal guidance, and she, in turn, gladly shares her life experience. The psychological and physical state of the expectant mother during pregnancy and after the baby is born depends very much on the support of others, including the mother and spouse.
  • Old age - The relationship between mother and adult daughter is heating up again. Realizing their own weakness and loss of authority, many older women become capricious. Their behavior is in many ways similar to teenage rebellion. Now an adult daughter must adapt and look for an approach to her mother.

Many adult daughters, faced with the senile helplessness of their mothers, plunge into a depressive state. If you encounter this, do not hesitate to ask a professional for help. Also, don't judge yourself for asking for medical help.

  • Mother's death - completion of separation. A daughter goes through a complex process of psychological separation from her mother and awareness of herself as the main woman in the family.

All of the above stages are the natural sequence , which, unfortunately, often has many vital nuances that darken the relationship between two women who are close to each other.

At every stage of life, the relationship between a mother and her daughter affects both

The main reasons for the difficult relationship with the mother in an adult daughter

Relationships between daughter and mother do not always go smoothly. Let's look at the most common causes of disagreement.

Competition

No matter how strange it may sound, but female, albeit unconscious competition between mother and daughter is a very common cause for conflict.

Help! Most often, competition occurs in families where the mother gave birth too early, or several generations of women live in the family (grandmother, mother, daughter).

It lies in the fact that the mother is trivially jealous of her daughter, albeit subconsciously. She sees how her baby is gradually turning into a beautiful, young girl, and this phenomenon once again reminds her of her age. However, the train of thought can be turned in the opposite direction. The mother remembers what she was like at her daughter's age (sociable, flirtatious, slim, attractive, married, having children) and projects this onto her daughter, who is different from her both externally and internally. Because of this, the woman feels annoyed, believing that her child is not being realized properly. A mother's envy of her daughter may not be voiced directly, but it is always burdensome and creates a tense atmosphere in the family where no one can relax .

What to do?

In this case, it is necessary to show wisdom and empathy. Put yourself in your opponent's shoes and feel the pressure of unsolicited advice. If you are a mother, show loyalty and caution, recognize the daughter's right to her own life path. If you are a daughter, set personal boundaries and start working on your own self-esteem. As a rule, the degree of pressure from older relatives decreases when they see that you have a clear life position .

Unwillingness to admit one's mistakes

An ill-mannered, impudent, impudent and uncontrollable girl who does everything in defiance is nothing more than a mirror image of her parent's actions. At one time, the mother did not pay due attention to education, focusing on meeting material needs (housing, education, food, clothes) and as a result, she faces a completely unfamiliar girl with well-formed interests, which cannot be influenced by scandals and remarks due to lack of authority.

Or the opposite situation arises: the daughter, who grew up in a dysfunctional family, fears a repeat of her fate and does everything to oppose herself to her mother, which looks like acts of "spite" and deliberate ignorance. The daughter does not hate her mother, but considers her an example of how life is not worth living.

What to do?

First of all, it is necessary to devote time to introspection . Do not try to make up for lost time in a short time - try to get to know each other. No need to break a person for yourself - a mother who humiliates and insults an adult daughter under no circumstances will be perceived as a wise mentor.

Non-recognition of personal boundaries

Of course, it is extremely important to know your child, but it is not permissible to arrange surveillance of him and deprive him of even minimal personal space. A mother who reads a personal diary, turns out her pockets, checks her browser history and personal correspondence is perceived as a threat and untrustworthy person.

In most of these cases, one outcome: the child learns to lie early, to lead a double life, and at the first opportunity leaves the native walls to feel at ease. And also often an adult daughter does not communicate with her mother, except as necessary and in general phrases.

What to do?

You should remember yourself in your youth and understand that at this age there are also individual desires and needs that often run counter to the expectations of the family. It should be understood that espionage and gross violation of personal boundaries have not yet aroused a desire to get close to anyone.

Active search

A young mother in her prime of life and years has every right to a happy personal life. Just do not forget about the child and his perception of reality. A girl who is in the care of her grandparents, while her mother is trying to get along with a new object of sighing, feels abandoned and unnecessary. As a result: jealousy, protest, attracting attention to yourself in the most radical ways.

Often a mother, inspired by a new relationship, pays attention to a child from her first marriage only in an emergency (when he screams, cries, gets hurt, etc.). Often this leads to children's self-harm (self-harm) and depressive states.

What to do?

It is worthwhile to understand that only husbands can be ex - children will remain with you forever. The daughter also has the right to her own opinion about your new chosen one - she is not obliged to love him. The task of adults in this case is to provide the child with a sense of security . If you are a daughter who grew up in such a family, work through your emotions with a psychologist. Try to look at your mother as a simple person. Recognize her right to be wrong.

Humiliation between mother and daughter and other negative relationships. How to avoid it?

An imposed sense of duty

“I fed you, taught you, brought you up, and you are an ungrateful egoist!” - This phrase can be heard by a daughter who does not act the way her mother expected. There are many options: she started the wrong career, started the wrong hobby, started dating the wrong man. The parent feels as if she has put a significant layer of life on the altar of education, and has not received the desired return for this.

As a result: the mother manipulates the adult daughter, constantly reminding her that she is indebted to her. Or, even worse, he plays tantrums, fainting, heart attacks and other ailments so that his daughter cancels all her plans. It also happens that a mother insults and humiliates her daughter, thereby offending and devaluing all her achievements.

What to do?

It is important to realize that the birth of a child is your desire, not his. An adult daughter does not have to give up her own plan to meet your expectations. If you are in the position of a daughter, start living separately at the first opportunity. Do not torture yourself if the mother now and then makes it clear that you have abandoned and betrayed her, but do not forget to visit your parents as often as possible, show them signs of attention and, of course, control their health. I also recommend watching an article about effective methods of getting rid of old grievances.

Five destructive types of relationships between mother and daughter

Unfortunately, even in seemingly prosperous families, things often don't go so smoothly. The reason for this is the wrong model of mother's behavior. Psychologists distinguish five types of relationships that ultimately lead to disagreement.

  1. Daughter as a personal psychologist. Trust between relatives is wonderful, but not in the case when all family troubles fall on a little girl. It often happens that a mother voices all her feelings to her daughter: regarding a difficult financial situation, difficult relationships with her father, dislike for some relatives, etc. And the baby has no other choice but to listen. As a result, the mother, without realizing it, robs her daughter of a part of her childhood, depriving her of a sense of comfort and security.
  2. Dictatorship. “Mom knows best”, “I have already decided everything for you”, “You will do as I told you” are typical attitudes of a mother-dictator. The reason for this behavior is the oppressive burden of the mistakes of the past. It seems that the mother does not love her daughter, but only tries to live her life “on a clean copy”. Any manifestation of personal desires is suppressed in the bud. As a result, the adult daughter does not want to communicate with her mother and tries to reduce the number of visits to the minimum possible so as not to relive that very feeling of insignificance.
  3. Domestic use. “The future mistress should not sit idly by”, “No one will marry you, such a clumsy”, “You must give me the money you earn” - these phrases are clear signs of domestic exploitation. A mother raises her daughter with the mindset that you are worth something only if you sacrifice everything for the common good. These girls grow up to be women who can endure domestic violence for years. A husband can morally suppress his wife, perceive her as a servant, and she will tolerate such an attitude towards herself, for the reason that in childhood she was given the installation - this is how a family should look like.
  4. Mother boss . The boss mother differs from the mother-dictator in that she does not insist on a certain life path, but only controls the correctness of the decisions made by her daughter. Figuratively speaking, she, as a boss, requires a constant report on the work done, plans for the near and far future, and sets deadlines for their implementation. This often results in the daughter never learning to make decisions like an adult and becoming nervous about not getting approval or guidance from older relatives.
  5. Stranger mother. There may be many reasons for this: the need to provide for the family alone, attempts to improve their personal lives, etc. If the parent is constantly absent and practically does not take part in the life and upbringing of her daughter, their relationship will not develop in the best way: in life only occasionally and demand love and attention to yourself, which, of course, will have nowhere to come from. As a result: the mother's jealousy of her daughter or relatives that replaced her as a guardian.

Why does a mother hate her daughter? Psychology and reasons

No child deserves maternal dislike, and even more so - hatred. To understand the nature of a mother's hatred of her daughter, we will analyze the main theses.

Often the cause of hostility of a young mother to a newborn daughter is postpartum depression. This is a serious condition that needs to be corrected together with a psychotherapist.

Reasons why a mother may hate her daughter

So what are the reasons the most important woman in a girl's life might hate her?

  1. She did not have an example of harmonious relationships. The first experience of love is received in childhood, attitudes towards relationships - too. If a woman has not had emotional intimacy with her own mother, she will not know how to have it with her own daughter. She will be confused and scared, which will cause her coldness to be perceived as hatred.
  2. Daughter - unplanned/unwanted child. The woman was a victim of circumstances through her own fault: she did not want to become a mother, but contraception failed her, and then her husband or relatives pressed her, forcing her to give birth. Sometimes the answer to the question why a mother hates her daughter is absurd: because she wanted a son!
  3. The daughter resembles her father, who is not around . A woman is forced every day to endure next to her a copy of the man who betrayed her, which only causes irritation. These emotions are especially pronounced when the baby inherits not only the appearance, but also the habits of her father.
  4. The mother has a mental disorder that disturbs the perception of reality. Depression, schizophrenia, neurosis.
  5. Her ideal picture of the world has collapsed. Unfortunately, many women have a very mediocre idea of ​​motherhood as such. After all, the phrase "I want a child" sounds much more often than "I want to be a mother." That is, the appearance of a baby is perceived rather as an acquisition, a week of return. In addition, many women use their pregnancy as a means of strengthening relationships, which does not always work.
  6. A mother is jealous of her adult daughter. It also happens that a mother, instead of being happy for her accomplished daughter, experiences all-consuming envy. She realizes that her "best years" were spent on raising children, and her daughter, instead of following in her footsteps, lives for her own pleasure.

Thrown in the hearts "I hate you!" not the same as true hatred. A mother is just a person who cannot always keep emotions under control. It is possible to talk about real hostility only if coldness, neglect and contempt are felt everywhere.

How to move from hate to love?

Hatred of mother to daughter.

Exit psychology

We have figured out why a mother may not love her daughter - now we will try to understand what the victim of circumstances should do. If you recognize yourself as an unloved daughter, the following guide to action will help you not to burden an already difficult situation:

  • Do not fall for provocations. The mother will look in your words and actions for confirmation of her beliefs - "My child is bad and that's why." Don't respond to attacks.
  • Don't try to prove something . Succeeding to spite someone is a road that leads nowhere. You will not get satisfaction, and in the end, the mother will only become even more annoyed.
  • Understand that you are unable to influence other people's emotions . You cannot correct her internal discomfort - she must do it herself.
  • Learn to defend your own boundaries and interests. If you feel that your character is too soft to face a tyrant, your best bet is to live your own life separately at the earliest opportunity.
  • Demonstrate your autonomy. You can act and make decisions on your own - the mother must understand and accept this. Be persistent and do not give up, even if the mother will resist in every possible way with your desire to be independent from her.

Adult daughter's hatred of mother. How to forgive and let go?

Hatred is a common reaction to indifference, coldness, and detachment. Women who feel dislike for their own mother have many social difficulties. They do not understand how to build friendships, how to base relationships with the opposite sex, and, moreover, how to raise their own children.

Men are much more likely than women to experience indelible hatred of their mother. Women, on the other hand, tend to look for an excuse and forgive, especially if they themselves have already become mothers.

An unhealthy relationship with the mother can be worked through using the following methods.

Breaking up a relationship

As soon as you have the opportunity, leave your father's house and start an independent life. Resist the entreaties to stay and the intimidation that you will not succeed. Increase distance if necessary and reduce communication down to short phone calls. It is likely that during the separation, the mother will thaw.

Working with a psychotherapist

The main melting point of mental health is: "If you think you need to go to a psychologist, then you don't." The specialist will help you understand your feelings, find and eliminate old, childhood traumas.

A mother-daughter relationship is established at the very beginning

Getting to know another point of view

Put yourself in your mother's shoes . Recreate in your imagination her life from childhood to our days. What kind of people do you have to deal with? What hardships to experience? Who showed you the most sympathy and care? This exercise will help you develop a sense of healthy empathy and analyze events from a different perspective.

Thank you list

Sit down at your desk and take an hour of your time to write a thank you list to your mother. Remember all the moments when her actions warmed your soul . This will help you be more patient with her.

Refusal of idealization

Every girl has ideas about an ideal family. It is based on the life experiences of other people, seen in films and even literary images of "exemplary mothers." But more often than not, such patterns are too flat and unviable. Accept your mother for who she is . Ultimately, she is just a person with her own flaws and weaknesses.

Forgiveness list

Sit down at the table, focus, and write a few sentences in a column that will begin with the words “I forgive you for…”, where instead of an ellipsis, what is relevant in your particular case.

Now let's talk about what not to do in this case: