How to give her space but still show you care
14 Genius Tips To Give Her Space But Still Show You Care
Giving her space may bring her closer to you than ever.
Image: Shutterstock
If your girlfriend has been hinting at a lack of breathing space, you might get all apprehensive because you fear losing her. Read this post to learn if your reaction is justified and understand the importance of giving her space.
Most men become anxious about their relationship status and jump to serious conclusions, such as a breakup, when their girlfriend asks for space. While sometimes space may mean an end of the relationship, often, it just means she needs a breather.
Striking a balance is an important part of a relationship. While giving too much space might pull you apart, offering too little can stifle her. So, if you are confused about how much space to give to your girlfriend, this post offers some effective tips on the topic.
Why Giving A Girl Space Is Important?
Space in the relationship can many times make it stronger. Here are a few benefits of space.
1. Retains distinct personality
Image: iStock
While you may work great as a team, you are separate individuals with your interests and independent mindsets. Giving your girlfriend space would allow both of you time to do things that appeal to you and grow as individuals. This will make you two more fulfilled as a team.
2. Allows a breathing room
If you are constantly joint at the hip, the relationship might become too smothering after a while. The space will give her breathing room and reduce excessive co-dependency in the relationship.
3. Gives her a chance to miss you
If you are always around, she won’t know how it feels like without your loving presence. Giving her space is a good way to make her miss your company and keep the excitement alive.
Related: 151 Cute And Romantic Ways To Say 'I Miss You'
When Does A Girl Ask For Space?
Here are a few instances when a girl might need the breather.
1. She wants independence
If you have been spending all your time together, your girl may be tired of seeing you and crave some ‘me time.’ Maybe she wants to meet friends or pursue her hobbies and is not getting time for it because she is with you all the time.
Did you know?
There has been a striking increase in the number of independent women recently, with the percentage of economically independent women increasing from 39 to over 45 percent (1).
2. She is feeling suffocated
If you got too possessive and clingy in the relationship, she might be feeling suffocated. This is a classic sign of an unhealthy relationship, and the more you try to control her, the further she may go away from you.
3. She is angry and is unable to communicate
Maybe you two had a fight, or she asked your help with something, and you didn’t come through. She probably needs a bit of space to calm her anger before having a proper discussion with you.
4. She wants a breakup
Image: iStock
A request for space can sometimes mean your girl is planning to break up. Maybe you had problems for a while, or she has lost interest in you. In either case, she probably needs space to gauge her emotions before she makes the final call.
Related: Top 35 Reasons Why Couples Break Up
5. She has too much going on in her life
Sometimes, a girl needs space when she is overwhelmed by too many things, such as a lot of college or work assignments. Or she probably has to manage her issues. Dealing with too much stuff might exhaust her, and she needs to relax.
6. She thinks things are moving too fast
If you two had an intense attraction and got physically or emotionally intimate too quickly, she probably needs emotional space to process her feelings. Maybe she needs time to take back control and think the relationship through.
How To Give Her Space The Right Way: 14 Tips
Giving your girlfriend space will ensure that you two are not truly apart even while away from each other.
1. Discuss the terms of “space”
When the girl asks for space, sit down and discuss the terms of space together. Tell her you support her needs, but calmly enquire how she defines the space. Does she mean she wants more personal time or wants you to cease intruding in her personal space? Or is she looking for a proper break from the relationship? Also, discuss the amount of time she needs.
2. Keep the conversations light-hearted
If you two have decided to stay in touch during this phase, avoid pestering her about relationship problems or relationship status unless she initiates the topic. Keep your discussions easy and full of banter. You can try some light-hearted flirting, but avoid over-the-top declarations of love. It is crucial to give her the required room, so don’t do anything that will make her feel pressured.
3. Stop intruding her time
Image: iStock
If she tells you she is out with her friends or busy with some personal work, let her do her thing.
Avoid intruding by constant texting or calling. If she is going out, you can text or call to check if she has reached the location and once more to confirm if she reached home (unless she has specifically told you not to). For the rest of the time, avoid disturbing her.
4. Avoid bombarding her with questions
Trust your girl and avoid bombarding her with questions every time she goes out. Facing a blast of questions such as ‘Where are you going?’ ‘With whom?’ or ‘Why are you wearing this?’ the moment she decides to step out will irritate her. You can ask her questions, but don’t ask too many at once and make sure the timing is right.
5. Don’t take it to heart
Don’t take it personally if your girl asks for space. You may feel hurt but don’t take it out on her by fighting, cutting off contact, or acting distant. By punishing her, you will only push her away. Believe that this phase is good for individual growth and if you two are meant to be together, it will only bring you closer.
Related: How Often Should You Text A Girl To Keep Her Interested?
6. Respect her wishes
Don’t ignore your girl’s wishes if you want her to be with you. Give her the time and space she needs. If she requests you not to contact her for a few days, leave her be. If she wants to connect with you on her terms (only on weekends or only virtually), accept them. Avoid pushing her to speak or hang out with you.
7. Avoid tracking her
Image: iStock
While she is enjoying her space, don’t try to stalk her in person or online. Stop checking her social media. Don’t try to visit her usual spots to run into her. If you find it difficult to contain the temptation of stalking her social media, delete your account for a few days.
Did you know?
Being overly clingy or needy can put her off and drive you both apart.
8. Show your support with special gestures
You can show your girl that you support her wish for space with some thoughtful gestures.
These will make her feel your love without making you come across as clingy. If she wants to spend time with her friends, book her favorite restaurant or buy movie tickets for the group. A spa or a salon voucher can also be a perfect gift to make your girl feel pampered.
9. Take time for yourself
While your girl is taking time for herself, you don’t have to put your life on hold. Use this opportunity to take time for yourself. Follow your passion or discover new interests. Work on your physical and mental fitness. Doing things you love will keep you busy and take your mind off things.
10. Don’t be desperate to jump her bones
If you are spending some time apart from each other, it is natural to crave intimacy. However, initiating sex the moment you meet shows desperation, which is a huge turn-off. Go on a proper date and have a conversation. If she initiates intimacy, you can follow her lead.
11. Spend some time socializing
Instead of worrying about what your girlfriend is doing, hang out with your loved ones.
Get in touch with friends and have fun. Spend some time with your family. This will improve your mood and also give her the much-needed space. Your happiness is important for the success of your relationship in the long run.
Related: How To Keep The Conversation Going With A Girl?
12. Don’t pass judgments
What she does in her free time is up to her. She might want to spend time at home watching Netflix or hit some clubs with friends. Don’t judge or try to control her time. If you tell her not to go somewhere or do something, it will only piss her off. No one likes being controlled.
13. Let the relationship move at its natural pace
Just because you are worried you might lose her, don’t question her repeatedly about how much longer she needs space. Avoid trying to forcibly take the relationship to the next level with grand displays of love, proposals, or by asking her to move in. Instead, when you meet, enjoy the moment and let the relationship move at its natural pace.
14. Be there for her when she needs you
Image: iStock
Space doesn’t mean you two have broken up. You two are still in each other’s life. Let her enjoy her space but be there whenever she needs you. If she plans to go out of town, offer to drop her at the airport or pick her up if she needs it. Don’t push but show that you will be available. If she is working late, let her know that you will pick her up if she wants.
Related: 20 Sample Breakup Letters To Someone You Loved
Will She Come Back If I Give Her Space?
Whether she will come back or not depends on factors such as her feelings for you, the reason she needs space, and what happens during this breather. Even if you fully support her and do everything perfectly, it can still go either way. The distance might help her realize that she wants to be with you or give her the clarity that you two are not a good fit. In short, there is no guarantee that your girl will come back to you.
However, if you try to convince her that space is not necessary by continuously pestering her in person or by calls or texts, she is bound to get irritated.
Your actions might push her further away, causing the breakdown of the relationship. Hence the best option is to give your girl space and see where it leads.
1. How long should I give her space?
While no definite amount of time is suggested, you will need to give her a few days or weeks of space, depending on the issue. However, do not prolong it for too long.
2. Is giving a girl space a good idea?
Yes. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or she’s been a little confused lately, giving some space will make her miss you. It will also allow her to grow independently and reduce the co-dependency on each other.
The word ‘space’ is dreaded in relationships, but it isn’t always a bad thing. It might just mean that your girl wants some time to herself. This time apart can sometimes reignite the fire in relationships and bring couples closer. So, stop assuming the worst and give her the space she needs. If you two are meant to be together, she will come back to you.
Key Pointers
- It is important to give a girl space in a relationship to enhance her personality and reduce co-dependency.
- She may ask you for space if she wants independence, is too overwhelmed by other tasks, or is angry about something.
- You can give her space by letting her enjoy her me-time, respecting her needs, and being supportive.
References:
MomJunction's articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.
- Growing number of women economically independent; Statistics Netherlands
https://www.cbs.nl/en-gb/news/2009/21/growing-number-of-women-economically-independent
The following two tabs change content below.
- Author
Shikha is a writer-turned-associate editor at MomJunction.
Having done a certification in Relationship Coaching, her core interest lies in writing articles that guide couples through their courtship to marriage and parenthood. She also specializes in baby names. Being a postgraduate in Human Resources from Jawaharlal Nehru Technological University, she likes understanding people and their relationships. This reflects in her relationship...
View Profile ›
15 CLEVER tips to give her space but still, show you care!
It would be appropriate to define “space” before coming to your question, “How to give her space still showing that you care?”
Space in a relationship means “to give priorities to your personal and private issues without involving your partner. When the relationship becomes a race that makes you out of breath, at that time, it’s space that assists you in catching the breath.”
It helps you reinvigorate yourself and move forward with more zeal and zest.
Space is the break in the relationship.
It’s not the breakup. 1
Why space is important in your relationship?
As the break from work refreshes, the same is the case with space in the relationship. It helps one to be with oneself all in all. Space in a relationship assists in spending time according to one’s own will.
The daily routine of work from day to day makes us weary and stale. We want a break so that we may get refreshed physically and mentally. 2
Furthermore, it helps us resume work with more energy, interest, and enthusiasm.
Humans, especially men, tend to change. The normal functioning of the partnership and domestic life creates boredom for them.
This boredom further leads to a bad temper that makes the relationship vulnerable, and it reaches the edges of chaos.
We need to understand feelings, especially in a relationship, are not permanent. They change from time to time according to our mood.
feelings change from time to time according to our moodAll days can not be jubilant.
All nights are not mourning.
The passion you have for the eternity of the relationship has no guarantee of destination. And the boredom in the relationship that you are having now will not last forever too.
Regarding feelings, nothing is permanent.
Get Future Relationship Guides For FREE!
The behaviors of our folks and dear and near ones create our feelings toward them. As their behaviors change, our sentiments also move to abrupt changes.
So, the point is that if you prefer to give her space by pretending to love and care, we appreciate your approach.
It will help if you do not do it in a “burn the boats” manner. Pass the jam sensibly. It would also give you time to reconsider your decisions and priorities.
If you literally desire to take a side, then a diplomatic approach would be a better option.
How to give her space but still show you care?
We recommend you the following points to realize that you still want her, but actually, you are in favor of space.
1. Prepare yourself mentally.
You want to give her space, but at the same time, you want to show her that you care. For it, you need to be prepared mentally that you have to use your acting skills.
If you are already good enough in it, that’s good, but if you lack, then try to be prepared for homework that you have to do to be one accord with your verbal and body language. We mean rehearsal would be better as it makes the man perfect in his doings.
Read all the text and don’t miss even a single point for the best results.
2. Be diplomatic or tactful.
The first thing that is mother to all other points is the adoption of diplomacy.
Here diplomacy means “to handle her with your mind, not with the heart. Be materialistic instead of the apostle of love.”
Diplomacy is the basic necessity if you wish to pretend things.
And here, you are assigned to present the things as they were before but actually be away from being emotional.
3. Don’t change the behavior.
Your behavior with her should not be changed. Prior, if, it was bad, make it a little bit good now.
Remember, we said just a little bit. It is because she may not be suspicious about the sudden change.
Behavior change is the notable feature that is detected first when someone wants to check you out. So, carefully watch your changing behavior. A clear notice in behavior might disturb your relationship with her.
Don’t change the behavior! She will notice you are giving her space4. Don’t disrupt normal functioning.
Here, normal functioning means that your routine should not be changed. Be there at the time, along with things and gestures with which you were ever before.
Your walk and talk, your breakfast, your lunch, dinner even your in and out should be the same at first when you intend to give her space with showing that you still care.
5. Produce communication gap gradually.
Where communication is the key to the union, there communication gap leads to separation.
You need to be tactful while producing the communication gap. It should not be abrupt in nature rather, create it step by step. Gradually make a communication gap and sooner it will become routine.
6. To minimize the talk, try to decrease your dialogues.
When you have enough practice of it, you can postpone the discussion to tomorrow.
Tomorrow, further, can be replaced by “some other occasion.” But remember, it will take its time to be effective. Time can last from some days to a few weeks.
7. Start with the same walk and talk.
As only you understand that you want to give her space so she mustn’t get off your intentions even a least.
Your walk and talk should not be changed in the early days of your procession.
Start with the same walk and talk to give her spaceAfter some days, bring a little bit of change regarding your walk and talk. For example, gradually you can start to be unresponsive to your behavior. It will give her time to look for other means of engagement.
8. Engage her with her friends and dear and near ones.
You should create room so that she may have more possibilities to spend her time with her friends, chums, near and dear ones, and even with family.
This particular tactic of yours would give her chances to spend more time with those guys and she will not be in a position to complain to you rather she will have an apologetic tone.
9. Be courageous in her new daily affairs.
While she is busy with new activities, it’s up to you to show her to assure her that you don’t have any problem with her new to-do schedule.
You should be helping hand to her with every task in which there are chances that she is going away from you.
Be courageous in her new daily affairs and give her space with timeYou can buy her and her friends the movie tickets if you afford, book a place for her in one of her favorite restaurants.
You can also persuade her to exchange gifts with her friends.
It would help her to find more space and occupy more importance among her friends.
10. Pretend to be busy in a polite manner.
If she complains that you are not giving her time, pretend to be busy. But be sure your helping hand should be with her but without you. Help her in such a way that you don’t have to accompany her.
This diplomatic tactic will make her feel that even if you are not with her, still you are loving and caring.
11. Stop initiating things.
Now it’s time to stop initiating things in every department of life.
As you intend to go away from her, starting new things would mean to her that you want a long-lasting relationship with her.
12. Bring variety in dealings.
The phenomenon of expectations is different from men to women.
Women want the initial and continuous passion in a relationship, while men don’t want repetition.
They always look for new and initiative things.
So now little change in your behavior would make her feel that she is comfortable with her friends and it is nice to have fun with friends.
13. Admire her friends and family.
Now it would be appropriate to make her feel that she is blessed with the best friends and family in the world. Here family means her parental near and dear ones.
During your admiring words, be a little bit flattery, but look realistic in your approach too. Don’t try to overact in their regard.
If it is possible, prepare yourself for the conversation that you intend to have with her.
14. Select a special one among her friends.
You should select a special one among her friends to describe his good manners and charms so that she may start feeling for him. It would demand some repetition, nevertheless.
Keep in mind that he should be good in the sense of manners and personality, if not best.
Select a special one among her friends to give her space and show your careTry to admire him whenever you get a chance.
You can even suggest her to give him a present. It will work. She would be attracted toward him and there are chances he may also consider her.
This is one of the handiest tactics to give her space but still show you care about her.
15. The point to remember.
What we have mentioned is a series of activities. You should not miss even a single. Even you should not disturb their sequence. Because doing against the expert’s approach may not bring you the desired results.
Though it will take time yet, it’s not the long bumpy ride.
It is the best script, but as for as its performance is concerned, it is up to you how you utilize your acting skills.
Have faith in yourself and just start it. You would not be disappointed.
Read Next:
· How to be a better boyfriend?
· How to recover from a breakup?
Usually, giving space does mean no contact but, in your case, it means you are in contact less and less with your girlfriend.
You are lowering the frequency of contact with her.
It will help you in taking care of yourself, avoid toxic relationship, and let you find yourself.
Summary
Taking a step back from any relationship is not easy, especially when you still care about her. It can also vanish your relationship completely if you don’t do it in the right way. That will be more painful and stressful.
But do not worry, follow the 15 above steps and trust the procedure. These steps will assist you in giving your girlfriend space while staying around to show care.
If you enjoyed reading the guide, you can check out our other guides to build up your relation psychology.
By sharing your thoughts, you help us in making this guide more useful for others.
Was this:
References:
- Krapf S. Moving in or Breaking Up? The Role of Distance in the Development of Romantic Relationships. Eur J Popul. 2017 May 24;34(3):313-336. [↑]
- https://thewellbeingthesis.org.uk/foundations-for-success/importance-of-taking-breaks-and-having-other-interests/ [↑]
SHOW 💗 BY SHARING:
More important than all gifts: 15 ways to show care for loved ones
A small effort for good: do not ignore the calls and messages that relatives or friends send you, even if it does not happen at the right time. You don't have to respond in the middle of the day with a detailed account of how you are doing. Just make it clear that it is important to you that someone cares about your fate or how your day goes. It is not so difficult to answer: “I am very pleased that you remembered me, everything is fine, but there is a lot to do”, “Thank you for writing, let's call you in the evening”, “It's great that you are in touch! Let me know how you're doing and I'll get back to you later.
" Or just send a heart. nine0003
Advertising on RBC www.adv.rbc.ru
Even if you don't consider March 8 or Hug Day to be significant holidays and get goosebumps at the sight of clumsy postcards with poems, this is no reason to leave your loved ones who celebrate these holidays without congratulations. Save a dozen or two beautiful concise pictures with balloons or motivational slogans from Tumblr or Pinterest in a separate folder and send them with a couple of warm words to your loved ones on important dates.
If a loved one is going through a difficult period in life - divorce, dismissal, health problems - keep in touch and regularly ask how things are going. If a loved one is sick, help find or call a doctor, go get medicine or order food. If a friend feels bad after parting with her beloved, send her affectionate messages and distract her from painful thoughts. You don't have to become a sister of mercy to all friends forever. At the same time, the ability to be there in difficult moments works for relationships like a film developer: it shows who really loves and is ready to share time and spiritual strength for the benefit of a dear person.
nine0003
Believe in your loved ones and motivate them to believe in themselves. Congratulate them on accomplishments they are proud of, whether it's a new job or finally mastering a difficult asana. Be interested in what they dream about and help them make a plan to move towards this goal. Perhaps you cherish a similar idea, and making it a reality with someone close will be much easier. Sometimes just a few words of encouragement are enough to fill you up with enthusiasm and energy or start making a dream project come true. nine0003
© rawpixel/Unsplash
Crazy dancing until dawn, fishing in the country and the first perch caught, a spontaneous trip to another country, a big culinary experiment - with each of your loved ones you have some kind of big or small joint story, with memories of which is good for the soul. Do not keep these memories to yourself - remind your family and friends about them, especially those with whom you rarely see each other. The good old days are called that because their echoes bring joy and a sense of unity with loved ones and remind you that your relationship has been tested for years.
nine0003
Support can be expressed not only by approval or unconditional consent - sometimes simple attention and the ability to be a listener are much more valuable. No matter how absurd the idea of a friend or relative may seem to you, suppress the initial impulse to bombard him with pragmatic arguments against. Listen to the end, delve into the matter and ask questions. So you can understand the motivation of your loved ones, and they will get a look from the outside - sometimes completely unexpected, which had not occurred to them before. nine0003
People change and acquire new and sometimes unusual habits and interests throughout life - you and your loved ones are no exception. Even if you don't like what your loved one does, refrain from snorting contemptuously or speaking negatively. Instead of convincing or shaming, think about why it is difficult for you to accept changes in loved ones and why it causes you such irritation. Remember that your friend or relative is an adult, capable of making their own decisions about how to live.
You do not have to share someone else's choice, but accepting and respecting it is the key to a good relationship. nine0003
If loved ones complain about something that worries them, they may be upset by your “This is nonsense, there’s nothing to even worry about” or “Oh, well, these are stupid things that you invent” - this way you underestimate the significance of their feelings, which , in fact, are quite real, if they dared to voice them. Patience and acceptance is the best manifestation of caring, so instead of criticizing, show unconditional love and help with advice - but only if it is asked for.
Actually, it doesn't really matter what exactly you compliment: the very fact of attention that you have shown is valuable. When you praise someone's sweater, car, scientific paper, or ability to do the splits, the recipient of the compliment is actually hearing "I respect you and admire your choices and accomplishments." Even if it's a grouchy old lady whose taste is exactly the opposite of yours, praise the color or design of her shirt, the shiny teapot, or the thick seedlings on the window.
An insignificant effort for you, but for her it can become a rare and precious manifestation of kindred love. nine0003
Each of us lives in our own information flow, which is formed from our environment in social networks - and seems natural to the whole world around. But this is not so: your friends or parents are probably subscribed to completely different media resources and people, and many interesting news may pass them by. Live reviews of people you know inspire much more trust, so take your time and share with your loved ones what you are interested in. Tell us what you remember about a dramatic movie that is at the box office, what a fascinating article on psychology or a book you read, and what kind of exhibition is taking place in the nearest museum - and you will have something to discuss with your loved ones at the next meeting. nine0003
It's better to show them once than to write messages to each parent for 10 minutes about how things are going, or to describe a dress to a friend on the phone.
To save time, make general chats on Telegram or WhatsApp: one for family, one for best friends, one for your company. Be the first to send photos of kids, food, and places of interest while traveling, the second - from a fitting room, bookstore or gym, and with the third choose a place for a vacation, New Year's holidays, or just laugh at memes that resemble mutual acquaintances. nine0003
© Genessa Panainte/Unsplash
There are times when you need to tell your loved ones something unpleasant or fight back if they overstep the bounds of tact. If you feel that you are walking on very thin ice or start to boil, do not be rude and, when explaining your position, choose your words carefully. In cases where you have to tell the bitter truth, do not hide behind value judgments or instructions like “You would be fine ...”, “It would be better ...” or “It’s impossible!”. Be honest about your feelings: “This hurts me,” “I care about your health,” “I get angry when you try to make decisions for me.
” nine0003
When texting with family and friends, try to replace the faceless “Everything is fine” and “Things are OK” with small details that can make your loved ones feel involved in your life. “I’m eating Caesar, what do you have for lunch?”, “I’m going to the cinema to see Fantastic Beasts, but how is your weekend?”, “I’ve made an appointment with the dentist, I’m worried!”. So you give them a chance to show sympathy, express support and just an excuse to talk about themselves.
Basic etiquette is a way to let your loved ones know that you care about their comfort and appreciate the time they spend with you. Step back with questions if you are not in a hurry to share the details of personal affairs. Do not demand an immediate response to your calls, letters or messages, especially during business hours. Do not show up unannounced and try not to be late for meetings. nine0003
Friendship with blood vows and the joy of staying together around the clock is usually the prerogative of teenagers and newlyweds.
Everyone else (and you too) needs personal space and the ability to manage their own lives. Therefore, for a warm friendship, it is important to let go of the desire to control everything and everyone and work on jealousy. Our loved ones have every right to be friends with people other than us and have interests that do not coincide with ours.
When you feel the need to be alone with yourself, it is better to talk about it directly and not grow resentment, waiting for your partner or mother to guess to take the children for a walk or let you go to a bar with your girlfriends in the evening. If your loved ones are craving a meeting or communication, and you are in the “Don’t get in, it will kill” mood, don’t come up with awkward excuses and say straight out that you are tired after a difficult week, you want to gather your thoughts and air out alone. nine0003
Thank your loved ones and remind them how important it is for you to have them in your life. Behind a pile of everyday affairs, the impulse to say thank you is often lost - and meanwhile, this is a brilliant way in its simplicity to show love to a loved one and give him an invaluable feeling that he brings someone benefit with his existence.
Gratitude does not have to be for something material. Say thank you for listening to you, keeping company over a cup of coffee, a couple of kind words made your day better, for good advice, or simply for the fact that your loved one is always somewhere nearby, even if he lives in another country. nine0003
12 things thanks to which my husband and I have been together for 26 years
Meeting a person who will awaken feelings is much easier than maintaining a warm relationship for many years. But there are couples who do. What helps these people stay together no matter what?
We talked to Elena, who has been married for 26 years. She told why daily tenderness is a necessary ritual, what you should not say even at the time of a terrible quarrel, and what to do if you feel tired from a partner. nine0003
Elena
Met her future husband at a student disco and has been living with him for a quarter of a century.
1. Common interests
You and your partner will spend a lot of time together, so it's great if you like similar things.
For example, my husband and I met at a disco when we were students, and we still have a desire to go out dancing and have fun with friends. We also love to walk in the Zhiguli mountains or periodically leave with tents across the Volga. We do not have to persuade each other to this or that type of leisure or argue which performance to see. nine0003
When we started renovating our apartment, we discovered that we have similar tastes: we like the same wallpaper, furniture, and paintings. This helps to avoid a huge number of conflicts.
But it is impossible to be perfectly alike, therefore, in any case, it is necessary to learn to negotiate, discuss and give in. If you feel that some moment is of great importance for a person, but it is not so important for you, you can agree, and not rest on principle to the very end.
2. Desire to be a family
All families go through difficult periods, but both partners must have a desire to overcome difficulties. Some believe that if the views do not converge, then you should just look for a couple in another place - this is how the relationship breaks up.
However, I believe that you can always find a way out if both people want it.
There was a time when I took care of small children, and my husband was constantly working. Interests diverged, and problems began. I felt that we are separated from each other: I cook at home, and he continues to live a full life, build a career, meet different people. nine0003
When my husband and I started living together, we had mutual claims to each other: he thought that I gave him little time, and I was worried that he did not help me enough around the house. We argued about this until we agreed. We decided that he would help me with cooking and cleaning, and thanks to this, I would have free time so that we could watch some show together or discuss what had happened during the day. We both felt that we wanted to be together despite the feelings that rage inside. nine0003
If you are a family, you need to agree on how to save the union and live on.
If you've just started dating and you feel that your eyes don't burn, maybe you shouldn't try to revive something that isn't there.
But if you have been together for a long time and are confident in your feelings, breaking up is the easiest, but not always the best option. We were on the verge of a break: we thought that it would be easier to disperse. But now I feel special satisfaction and happiness because we overcame everything and were able to save the family. nine0003
3. Willingness to discuss intimate life
When we are young and in love, all thoughts are directed towards intimate relationships. Sex can happen anywhere and anytime - that's how strong the passion is. Over time, this will change, because the daily hustle and bustle takes time and energy. But you can’t distance yourself from intimacy because of being busy at work or taking care of children.
In many families there is dissonance: one of the partners needs more sex than the other. So it was with us: my husband often wanted sex. At first, this caused mutual reproaches: in this case, it seems to the man that the spouse does not want intimacy, and the woman feels that he encroaches on her personal space and does not just let her be with her.
nine0003
We managed to reach an agreement. When a husband has a desire, he speaks directly about it. If I am not ready to share it fully, then we can satisfy the need without much emotion and fireworks. He accepts it and is not offended. If the desire is mutual, then everything happens more emotionally - as far as strength and imagination are enough. As soon as we resolved this issue, relations went uphill.
In Europe, couples discuss when they plan to have sex during the week. I don’t see anything wrong with this, because this way you can choose the time when each of the partners feels more free and rested in order to spend the evening with your loved one. nine0003
Couples who don't have sex usually say, "We live like neighbors." This is a sign that the partners have lost touch and no longer feel intimacy. If something is bothering you, talk openly. People are different and your needs may not be the same. Intimate life needs to be discussed and agreed on that is acceptable for both of you.
Now reading 🔥
- How to get rid of self-criticism in sex and finally enjoy it
4. Demonstration of tenderness and care
My husband and I openly express our feelings: we hug each other, kiss and say words of love. If I'm tired, I can just walk up and sit on his lap. This happens not according to a schedule or agreement, but according to need - we have it daily.
Many close people say that in everyday life we are very gentle with each other. For some, it touches or surprises. I believe that touch is necessary because it helps to keep warm and sincere feelings. nine0003
I like that at any moment I can hug my husband, stroke his head or kiss him and he will answer me the same.
The same applies to care, which should be regular, and not only on holidays or when one of the partners is ill. Our care is manifested in simple things: I cook breakfast for my husband, and every morning he takes me to work.
Then during the day we call up just to ask how things are going. If the spouse returns from work at the same time as I do, he will definitely call and ask what my plans are - maybe it’s worth picking me up. The daily manifestation of love for each other is simply necessary to remain close people for a long time. nine0003
5. Support and mutual assistance
After school, I wanted to study psychology, but the universities in my city did not have this specialty. I entered the Institute of Culture, but the desire to get a psychological education did not disappear. My husband knew about this and, when the children became independent, he gave me education at a suitable university.
I am very grateful that my husband supported me and helped me learn a new specialty, although at that time I was 33 years old and we already had children. Periodically, it was not possible to send them to my grandmother, because relatives live in other cities, so my husband helped around the house to make it easier for me to study.
This expresses support and mutual assistance, which I really appreciate. nine0003 Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
6. Trust
It is impossible to create a strong family if you do not trust each other. I never made scandals if my husband was going to a corporate party, fishing or football. Forbidding him something would be simply dishonest of me - even at a time when we had children.
I, too, could always say that I wanted to relax with my friends, dance and have fun. There were no global obstacles on his part. He could say, “Be careful. If you are late, write and call, ”but no proceedings. nine0003
When talking about trust, telephones are often mentioned. They came into our lives when we were still young, and at first I could take my husband's gadget and open contacts. However, I quickly realized that poking around in someone else's phone is stupid. Why look for some compromising evidence and cheat yourself because of every unfamiliar name? The husband works and has many clients, including women.
But I believe him, so it's pointless to study the phone and be jealous.
Jealousy can only spice up a relationship if both of you can take it with humor. nine0003
For example, if your partner kept his eyes on a passing girl, you made a joke about this and laughed together. If you feel that jealousy causes discomfort and gnaws from the inside, then first evaluate what specifically causes it. Perhaps your partner is unconsciously giving you a reason to worry, and you can delicately ask him not to do so.
However, often jealousy is unreasonable - just fantasies that have nothing to do with the intentions of a loved one. In this case, you need to fight only with yourself and your consciousness. nine0003
7. Ability to take responsibility for what you do
It is impossible to say with complete certainty that you will never commit unworthy acts and that you will be faithful to only one partner until the end of your life. Anything can happen in family life - do not promise.
The main thing is not to shift the responsibility for what you have done to others.
If you were unfaithful and regret it, then, in my opinion, you should independently cope with all the resulting negative emotions, feelings of shame and thoughts gnawing from within. Saying "I've done things, but I'm very worried and want to be honest with you" is not an option. To be honest in this case is to survive the situation yourself and protect your partner from unrest. nine0003
Understand yourself and find out what prompted you to cheat, and then do everything to never allow this to happen again. The desire to be together wins everything. But only on condition that it is sincere and you are really sorry.
The choice is yours 🤭
- What to do if you change
8. Respect for your wishes and needs of your partner
If you choose bed linen, you can give in to your partner. But when it comes to global decisions, listen to yourself, because they can affect your entire future life.
If the children have grown up and the woman wants to work, then you can’t hide this desire behind the baseboard and try to be an exemplary housewife, because her husband likes it that way. This will not help you save your family and self-confidence.
The same is true for men. If it is important for you to play basketball, then devote time to this and do not push training into the background, because your girlfriend or wife considers sports a useless activity. Otherwise, you will feel dissatisfaction that will spill over into the family. nine0003
When one of the partners is unhappy, it affects both.
9. The ability to talk even about unpleasant things
When young people begin to build relationships, they really want to please each other and do not always express dissatisfaction. As a rule, true desires and preferences begin to be shared after the wedding. Here a couple and overtake disassembly and problems. I, too, sometimes kept silent, because it seemed to me that it was not necessary to tell my partner unpleasant things.
But now I understand that this is a mistake: discontent accumulates and spills out. The family cannot be silent. nine0003
Holding grudges and complaints is like setting off a time bomb. Imagine that a guy likes plump girls, and his partner is unhappy with herself. He makes cute jokes like “My bun, pampushka, you have wrinkles here, tummy,” and these words seem to her real insults that undermine self-confidence. At first she is silent, and then in an aggressive form expresses that he considers her fat and ugly. The woman is offended, but the man does not understand what happened: before, everything was in order. Such little things can lead to serious consequences - from a quarrel to parting. nine0003
10. Taboo on insults
We do not know how to quarrel calmly - only with shouts and emotions. I heard about different practices from the category “Move away from your partner, calm down, and then discuss”, but let’s be honest: in real life, emotions are overwhelming and it’s already difficult to stop.
However, no matter what feelings we experience, in our family there is a taboo on humiliation and insults.
You can sort things out as much as you like, but you can't deprive your partner of human dignity. nine0003
We never agreed on this, it's just that both of us have an understanding that one should not cross a certain line. Each family has its own: for some, the offensive word is “fool”, and someone only communicates with obscenities. But do not put pressure on pain points and say phrases that will definitely hurt. Relationships can crack, and it will no longer be possible to achieve the former level of trust.
11. Personal space
Over the years, people get bored with each other. If from time to time you or your partner want to spend time apart, this is normal. Take a break and mind your own business: watch a series alone, go shopping, or just spend the evening in different rooms. nine0003
You should not cling to your partner and hug each other every minute.
Giving each other the right to personal space and time is very important for a long harmonious relationship.
12. Understanding that feelings change over time
At first, your relationship is based on passion. You look at your partner through rose-colored glasses, idealize him and want to spend as much time together as possible. But feelings tend to calm down, which means that you will begin to see a person as he is. At this point, many couples have a desire to divorce. nine0003
If you have made the decision to fight for your family and have overcome such a period, then in time you will begin to treat each other with more care and respect. At one point, you realize that relationships are very easy to destroy, but you have a conscious intention to stay with this person, because he has acquired value for you. This is not just a husband or wife, but your friend in life - a person whom you can rely on in a difficult period and rely on in any matter.
