How to get money back from a narcissist

What to do When a Narcissist Owes you Money (5 Tips) – A Great Mood

If a narcissist owes you money, determine whether it’s worth sacrificing your mental health to try and get the money back. Be honest with yourself and realize the narcissist will never give you the money back spontaneously.

Seek legal advice if you do decide to take action, and most importantly try to detach physically and emotionally from the narcissist because narcissists are very good at manipulating and deceiving others.

All narcissists have common traits, and such traits can lead them to exploit and control others with various tactics, one of them being taking or asking for money and then never giving the money back.

The narcissist does that to control you and/or make you vulnerable and/or take advantage of your good nature for personal gain (usually all three).

Keep reading…

Common traits of narcissists

Obsessive need for attention. Including negative attention. Narcissists are terrified of being ignored, and want to be noticed at all costs. They want others to give them attention and energy. This is usually to compensate for a deep feeling of emptiness.
Obsessive need for control. Specifically, controlling other people, even more so if it’s their partner. Narcissists believe that if people around them behaved spontaneously, they would be a threat to them. When they can’t control others, narcissists act cold; when they get a chance, they become manipulative.
Lack of empathy. Those with a narcissistic personality tend not to understand other people’s feelings. Even when their partner communicates their feelings verbally or physically, they may still fail to empathize. And when they do empathize, they could deliberately choose to ignore how the other person feels.
Superiority complex. That is, an exaggerated sense of self-worth and self-importance. Narcissists believe they are better than everybody else. In their mind, they always deserve more. Their superiority complex may also lead them to believe they are responsible for controlling other people’s lives.
Exploitative behavior. For narcissists, other people are valuable (matter) only if they clearly add value to their life. Since narcissists lack empathy, or choose not to recognize other people’s emotions and needs anyway — they justify taking advantage of those around them.

Narcissists and money

If you’ve read the list of common narcissistic traits above, then it’s pretty obvious that some or all of those traits can make the narcissist borrow money for selfish purposes.

A tendency to exploit others without feeling any genuine empathy or connection, a superiority complex, the need to control others — it’s a dangerous mix that can very easily lead to dishonesty, including borrowing money without paying it back.

When a narcissist refuses to give you your money back, they…

Put themselves in a position of power, where you need something they have full control over (notice how this could be money or affection, or both; the reason behind it is the same)
Imply that they are superior, better, or more important than you or anyone else; that their own needs and wants, no matter how absurd or selfish, are the absolute priority
Create attention, in the sense that you now have all these thoughts about them, their money, and their selfish behavior; whereas if they did give the money back, you could easily forget about them

If a narcissist owes you money, you’re not alone

Narcissists are, unfortunately, very good at lying and deceiving others in general. And they will never stop lying, even after warnings or ultimatums.

The internet is full of stories, forum posts, and videos of people (usually partners) that made the mistake of giving or lending money to a narcissist, and that are now asking for help.

So please know that you are not alone, and that this is the type of situation where, because you’re dealing with a sensitive issue that (you think) may make you look stupid or naive, you’re naturally inclined to hiding it.

And here’s the thing — although some of us respect themselves too much to fall victim to the narcissist’s tactics, like I said, narcissists are extremely good at deceiving and manipulating.

If you’ve made the mistake of giving money to a narcissist, that’s a lesson to learn (more on this in a minute) but you also need to be kind to yourself and realize the narcissist has probably been very good at what they did.

Whether it was making their wants look like needs, making promises they knew they would be unable to keep, threatening you emotionally, gaslighting you, or lying in general.

You can think of it as being targeted by a thief or scammer — though there are ways to protect you and “be smarter”, it’s never your fault if you fall victim to them. Some people are, sadly, good at stealing (in any way).

What to do when a narcissist owes you money

Being in the position where a narcissist owes you money is never easy.

What you should do depends on a lot of different factors including the actual amount they owe you, your relationship with them, and your financial situation.

And though I cannot possibly know those, this is my personal advice when dealing with the situation.

I hope you find these tips helpful; if you would like to share your own thoughts or experience, please do so by leaving a comment at the end.

Alright, here we go…

1. Be honest with yourself

First things first: realize that the narcissist themselves will almost certainly never give the money back unless they are forced to.

Acceptance is uncomfortable, but it’s the very first step. It’s a necessary step. Give yourself a reality check — you are dealing with a narcissist.

2. Run away,

now

Second tip: detach yourself from the narcissist (physically, mentally, and emotionally) as much as possible.

I’ll say it one more time: narcissists are very good at manipulating people. Their lies and tactics are very believable. The longer you stay with them, the harder it will be to run away.

3. Prioritize peace of mind

This totally depends on the amount they owe you — it’s not a black and white thing. That being said, do know you should always prioritize your peace.

Ask yourself whether it’s actually worth chasing the money they owe you, or simply forget about it. A quick Google search will show you stories of people being comfortable losing thousands simply because it turned out to be the most sensible approach.

4. Seek legal advice

If you do believe the amount they owe you it’s large enough, then the best thing you can do is to seek legal advice and hope that the narcissist can be somehow forced to give the money back.

Again, the chances of the narcissist giving you your money back are close to zero, so really, law is pretty much your only option if you decide to take action.

5. Learn a lesson

Don’t underestimate this — it’s the most important tip. Seriously. You don’t want your life to be a pattern of mistakes and bad experiences happening over and over again.

Yes, you are in a bad situation right now. But it’s an opportunity to learn, and make sure it will never happen again. Whether it was $100, thousands, or tens of thousands.

Narcissists, energy vampires, fake friends, toxic people in general are, undoubtedly… I’ll let you think of the right word. But they also teach you invaluable lessons, and when you do learn them, you come back ten times stronger, wiser, and happier.

Narcissists and money: want to share your experience?

I don’t know who you are and why you are reading this, but if you are in a bad place because of how a narcissist has treated you (whether there was money involved or not), I am sorry and I hope you found this article inspiring.

The fact that you’re reading this, alone, shows that you are aware of the issue and are working toward a solution — and most importantly a stronger, more powerful version of yourself.

If you are comfortable sharing your experience or comments regarding narcissist abuse (with money, or in general), please leave a reply below; I always read all comments.

Either way — good luck, and best wishes ❤️👍

How to Get Your Stuff Back After a Narcissist Steals It

Source: Toa Heftiba/Unsplash

If you are unlucky enough to find yourself divorcing a narcissist, there’s bad news I have to break to you: The money is never coming back. Ditto that one-of-a-kind piece of blown glass he said he bought, and you finally gave up, because it was just too expensive to have lawyers exchange emails over that wonderful piece of the Aegean you purchased on the honeymoon with your own hard-earned cash. These are the property losses, some sentimental and others merely about dollars and cents—and it’s time you took a deep, cleansing breath and simply forgot about them.

Ditto the time you spent in the relationship—gone, gone, gone, unless you can get your hands on a flux capacitor and a used DeLorean. Maddening, to be sure, but the spilled milk adage applies here, and a sponge is what’s called for, not self-blame or even tears.

So what about the other stuff that got stolen? That’s the part I want to focus on, because I’ve yet to meet anyone recovering from a narcissist who doesn’t feel like the rifled and empty shelves of a robbed boutique.

[Note: This post has been written from a woman’s point of view, because all of my interview subjects were women; that said, women are narcissists too, and men also bleed. Feel free to switch up the pronouns.]

Post Mortem on the Robbery

It’s what you didn’t see about the guy in question and your misunderstanding of his motives that allowed you to hand him the keys to the store. I’m not blaming, but to move on, you have to see how the robbery happened; we’re playing detective here. Mind you, these individuals are very good at what they do, which, primarily, is manipulating others and writing a script for the relationship, neither of which is immediately clear. That script, by the way, has its ups and downs, so you’re much more inclined to attribute the rhythm to passion than to orchestration; he’s a master of the snow job, the doer of good deeds and sweet gestures when he needs to get you back on track. Dream vacation? Check! Extravagant flowers "just because"? Check!

And the narcissist’s fluency in the language of lies, especially when it is alternated with rapier-sharp observations about your behavior—“You cry at the drop of a hat. It’s no wonder I have to walk on eggshells"; “If you didn’t constantly interrogate me, I might open up"; “I didn’t lie; you just didn’t ask me the right question”—keeps a partner in a constant state of emotional turmoil, which makes it even harder to spot who he really is.

It’s only at the end—in conflict—that the narcissist reveals himself fully, and that your appreciation of what’s been stolen becomes clear. It’s with shock and horror that you begin to see him for what he is. For one thing, if you’ve been married or long-connected, he will not stop until he wins, and he sees his truth triumph. He cares not a whit for emotional consequences, burned bridges, or scorched earth, and doesn’t mind hurting anyone who stands in his way. He is happy to mount and orchestrate smear campaigns, because his own version of the story—no matter how fabricated or cobbled together—is the one he’s sticking to.

The Inventory

It’s the emotional looting that it takes time to recover from. This isn’t to minimize or write-off the financial straits many find themselves in after leaving a narcissist; all of that is real enough. Not to mention those who are stuck co-parenting and are looking forward to possibly years of endless legal squabbles and financial expense. But the hardest part of recovery entails what was stolen from you personally. Following is an inventory and what you must do to retrieve what’s been taken.

Loss: Your trust in others.

The narcissist’s willingness to use every avenue available to hurt you in whatever way he can is enough to throw even the most stable planet off its axis, and it’s no wonder that so many women come out of the experience feeling that the risks involved in trusting someone are simply too great. This is a huge loss that must be dealt with immediately. Otherwise, even in his absence, the narcissist will continue to rob you blind of future opportunities.

Retrieval: Drop the paintbrush, and don’t generalize.

In our efforts to wrest some kind of life knowledge from the truly painful, we risk beginning to see people in broad strokes; ultimately, that vision will not serve us or you. Your ex isn’t all men, but one man. Yes, it’s good to read up on narcissism—try Craig Malkin’s Rethinking Narcissism, which is excellent at explaining the spectrum and both healthy and unhealthy varieties, or Joseph Burgo’s The Narcissist You Know, which covers the various types—but it’s also important that you not end up seeing a narcissist on every corner. The truth is that people should be trusted more often than not.

Loss: Your trust in your perceptions and choices.

The words I’ve heard come out of my own mouth and those of others who’ve encountered those high in narcissistic traits include played for a fool, hoodwinked, utterly clueless, stupid, and more. It’s hard not to blame yourself, especially with the clarity of 20/20 hindsight: How did you not see that he was playing on your neediness? Why did you make excuses for his lies and manipulations? How did you let him get away with stonewalling every time you tried to talk? Why didn’t you push back when he put you down? Why did you keep falling for his charm?

Retrieval: Understand without self-blame.

Realizing what you unwittingly brought to the party and understanding why you choose this man are key to making sure you don’t repeat history. The truth is that the narcissist looks for a partner he can woo and wow, as well as someone he can manage and intimidate. Doing a self-inventory—seeing how your own proclivities and insecurities contributed, understanding why you cut him slack when you shouldn’t have—can only stand you in good stead. These may not even be flaws, strictly speaking; for example, your own desire to make the marriage work may have blinded you to the fact that you couldn’t, or your own impulse to keep peace in the household may have facilitated your avoiding the talks you needed to have and the stands you needed to take. Strengthening what needs building up in you is a move forward.

Loss: Your belief in human decency.

It’s hard to keep your faith in humanity when someone who professed to love you turns out to have been a robber, but you must. This is especially true if you’ve had a nightmare divorce or were the victim of a smear campaign, which are typically parts of a narcissist’s arsenal when it comes to defending his brand of truth. You have to remember that for every person like this, there are dozens who have a code of personal ethics, who don’t need to win at any cost, and who care how their behavior affect others. The narcissists are outliers.

Retrieval: Focus on your own kindness and empathy.

It’s important to keep bitterness at bay and stay open to how much kindness there really is in the world; that may sound Pollyanna-ish, but again, the narcissist’s impaired or utter lack of empathy makes him the odd man out, not the norm. Begin with yourself, and reassure yourself about kindness and empathy as being real and existent. Pay attention to the number of people in your life capable of both kindness and empathy, and it will become clearer, over time, that the narcissist isn’t a stand-in for humanity at large.

Loss: Your hopefulness.

The real problem with a narcissist is that there’s no “We’ll always have Paris” moment. You know that scene in Casablanca when, once again, love has been thwarted, and the two lovers will not be reunited, and Ingrid Bergman asks, “What about us?” Humphrey Bogart turns to her and says, “We’ll always have Paris.” There’s almost always pain and loss at the end of a relationship, even a marriage, but usually—after a period of time—you’re able to remember those moments of pleasure and emotional sparking that the relationship once offered. Thanks to the narcissist’s scorched-earth policy and the lies that poison every memory, there’s no Paris to retrieve, just a smoldering landscape. Even a photograph of the two of you is apt to bring the bitter disappointment back in a rush. One woman ripped every photograph of their years together to shreds, saying, “I just couldn’t bear the literal portrayal of how I was had by him. I hated how happy I looked, not knowing who he was all along. ”

Retrieval: Set relationship goals for yourself.

Rather than seeing yourself as a victim or someone who doesn’t have agency, you will heal and recover more quickly if you take a proactive stance and set relationship goals for yourself. The work of Charles Carver and Michael Scheier has shown that setting abstract goals rather than highly specific ones, especially after the end of a relationship, will yield more productive results and allow you to explore possibilities that you might not otherwise. Rather than think, “I want to meet someone who’s not a narcissist," you think, “I want to meet someone who displays his sense of caring,” or “I want to meet someone who is looking beyond his own needs.” This not only refines your own sense of what you want in a relationship, but also opens up where you might meet such a person—in a volunteer group, in a community mentorship program, etc. Alternatively, think about what you want from an intimate relationship in broader, abstract terms, such as “close companionship based on open give-and-take,” “a partnership based on equal standing and mutual respect,” or “a commitment to a shared life with each person’s needs addressed. ”

You will note that had these been your relationship goals at the time, the chances are good that the narcissist wouldn’t have made it into your life, or, if he had, you would have taken your leave sooner, provided you didn’t make excuses for him (which, truth be known, is what I did).

Recovery is hard, but possible. And, yes, you can get your important stuff back.

Facebook image: KatsiarynaKa2/Shutterstock

Toxics, narcissists and gaslighters: simple tricks to counter them

Understand 07/18/2021

Shahida Arabi has been studying behavior strategies for victims of bullying and abusive behavior for several years. She is the author of several bestselling books on how to stop manipulators, gaslighters, and narcissists from doing what they are so good at. Summer at the publishing house "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber" her book Toxic People is out. Inc. publishes an excerpt.

Pointless arguments and distractions in conversation

Malignant narcissists use many distractions in conversation to unsettle you and drag you into their chaos. These may include the following tactics:

Passing on personalities and undermining reputation. When narcissists cannot logically refute your argument or point of view, they resort to personal attacks: use illogical reasoning, insults, projection, and gaslighting to confuse and confuse you if you just disagree or challenge them. This is done in order to discredit and confuse you, divert you from the main problem and make you feel guilty about the fact that you are a living person with thoughts and feelings that are different from their own. Ten minutes of arguing with a narcissist is enough, and you are already wondering how you even got involved in this. You just expressed disagreement with his ridiculous statement that the sky is red, and now your entire childhood, family, friends, morality, career and lifestyle are mixed with dirt. This is because your disagreement conflicts with his false belief that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, threatening his inflated ego and sense of his own superiority. Instead of responding to your arguments, he attacks your personality.

How to resist becoming personal. By far the best reaction is none, but if for some reason you are forced to respond to the narcissist's attacks, don't fall for his red herrings. Repeat the facts and let him know that personal attacks are not relevant. Stop this conversation if possible. You do not have to explain to an adult how to be a worthy person. Remember: toxic people are not arguing with you, they are, in fact, arguing with themselves, and you are just an accomplice in their long, exhausting monologue. They love drama and live to create chaos. By trying to find an argument to refute their ridiculous claims, you are providing narcissistic reinforcement. Don't feed the narcissists - better realize that the problem is not with you, but with their abusive behavior. Stop communicating as soon as you feel the first signs of an escalation of the situation, and spend your energy on self-care and self-defense.

Labeling. As you know, daffodils make an elephant out of a fly in case of any threat to their superiority. In their reality, only they can be right, and anyone who dares to disagree will become the cause of narcissistic rage. According to psychiatrist Mark Goulston, this is not a result of low self-esteem, but a sense of permissiveness and a false sense of superiority. He writes: “In the eyes of the narcissist, the whole world must approve, adore, obey and agree with him. Anything less is perceived as an attack, which, in the opinion of the narcissist, he is entitled to respond with anger. For the most base representatives of this type, rage takes the form of labeling when they fail to influence your opinion or emotions in any other way. They feel entitled to humiliate and call you names. Name-calling is a quick and easy way to humiliate your intelligence, appearance or behavior, while depriving you of the right to be a person with your own opinion. This tactic can also be used to criticize your beliefs, opinions, and ideas. Your personal life experience, reasoned point of view, or reasoned opinion suddenly becomes "stupid" or "idiot" in the hands of an aggressive narcissist who feels threatened but can't really object. Narcissists insult your intelligence to cover up their incompetence. Instead of attacking your arguments, the narcissist attacks you in every possible way to undermine your authority and question your intelligence.

How to resist labeling. It is important to stop any offensive interaction and convey to the opponent that you do not intend to tolerate this. The situation will only get worse. Do not take it personally: understand that a person resorts to insults only because he does not know other, more worthy ways of communication. You can do the following:

- If labeling is frustrating for you, use mindful breathing techniques to calm yourself and focus on the best ways to protect yourself in your circumstances.

- If a family member or partner uses this tactic against you during a discussion, say firmly that you are not going to tolerate such disrespect and end the conversation safely.

- If this is happening in the context of harassment or harassment by a former partner, save the evidence in case it is needed to file a criminal case.

- If you are labeled in a professional environment, consider whether you can bring this to the attention of your superiors.

- If you encounter an incident on the Internet, report it to the relevant social network service and block the aggressor. Save screenshots if the person continues the cyberstalking.

Large-scale generalizations. Instead of dealing with real problems, narcissists prefer to make sweeping generalizations if we dare to claim mistreatment. These generalizations include exaggerating your hypersensitivity or sweeping statements like "You're never satisfied" or "You're always overreacting." This tactic can be especially powerful with empathic people, as it uses gaslighting to instill the idea that our hypersensitivity is the problem, not their violence. And while you can be overly sensitive at times, it's much more likely that a destructive person is insensitive and cruel most of the time.

How to deal with big generalizations. Toxic people who wield superficial statements do not represent the fullness and all the nuances of reality. They express a distorted point of view based on their own self-centered intentions. Stick to the truth and try to resist generalizations, because this is just a form of completely illogical black and white thinking. Depending on how receptive you think the person is to feedback, you might say, "You're generalizing. There were many examples of the opposite." However, the more toxic the person, the more likely you are to get bogged down in pointless arguments designed to throw you off balance. Try not to fall into this trap, but stick to the primary statement you are trying to convey and end the conversation if the person stoops to personal attacks.

Deliberately distorting your point of view to the point of absurdity. If you dare to disagree with a narcissist, your differences of opinion, emotions, and real experiences turn into character flaws and "evidence" of your irrationality and inability to think critically. This common cognitive bias is called "mind reading." Toxic people claim to know your thoughts and feelings. They regularly jump to conclusions based on their own reactions instead of rationally assessing the situation. These discrepancies may be based on their own illusions and delusions, as well as the need to purposefully unsettle you and divert attention from the problem. Narcissists make up all sorts of tall tales that distort your real words, and as a result, your thoughts look absurd or just monstrous. Instead of acknowledging your emotions, the narcissist distracts you with unimaginable accusations. For example, you point out to a toxic partner that you don't like their way of communicating. In response, he distorts your words: “And you, then, are perfection itself?” or “So you think I’m bad?” - although you just expressed your feelings. Or he may begin to criticize your character, saying: “So you mean to say that I should not have an opinion. You love to be in control too much!” This gives them the opportunity to revoke your right to think and feel about their inappropriate behavior and instills guilt in you when you try to set boundaries.

How to respond to such distortions. The best way to draw a clear line is to repeat, if necessary, “I didn’t say that. Don't speak for me." If the person continues to accuse you of things you didn't do or say, end the conversation. Don't let the toxic person shift the blame and divert the conversation away from their own destructive behavior or make you feel ashamed for daring to speak the truth.

If you cannot avoid interacting with someone (for example, at work), briefly and to the point describe what you did or said and end the conversation.

Change of subject to escape responsibility. I call this maneuver the “And you?” syndrome. It implies a digression from the topic under discussion in order to direct attention to a completely different one. Narcissists don't feel like discussing their personal responsibility, so they divert the conversation to avoid the consequences. Do you complain that he does not devote time to children? He will remind you of the mistake in their upbringing that you made ten years ago. Are you making it clear that his lies are unacceptable? He will mark the moment when you resorted to innocent deception in order not to attend a family event. This maneuver has no temporal or thematic limits and often begins with the words: “What about the time you did it?”

How to avoid this maneuver. Don't get distracted. If the toxic person tries to switch things up, use the broken record method described above: keep repeating the facts without going off topic. Move the arrows back, say: “I'm not talking about that now. Let's concentrate on the problem that is relevant at the moment."

Lure and feigned innocence. Toxic people create a false sense of security in order to be even more destructive in their cruelty. Common tactics include provocative remarks, hurtful jokes, labeling, offensive accusations, and unfounded generalizations. A toxic partner may make a casual comment about a co-worker's good looks or make an inappropriate joke about wanting to have an affair. This is a ploy to test your reaction. Once such a person drags you into a senseless, random quarrel, and it will grow like a snowball, because he does not know sympathy and remorse for tactless behavior. Ordinary disagreement can be a bait, and even if you initially hold back as politeness, you will quickly realize that it is driven by a malicious desire to humiliate you. Hidden humiliation disguised as a joke is a way to get deep into your soul, while avoiding responsibility. Such aggressive injections under the guise of a joke skirmish allow the manipulator to say the most terrible things, while maintaining outward innocence and equanimity. However, every time you are outraged by an insensitive, blunt comment, you are accused of having no sense of humor. After all, it's just a joke! Not at all. This is a way to use gaslighting to make you think that such verbal abuse is just a joke: a way to distract you from your opponent's brutality at the expense of your receptivity. Having lured you with a seemingly innocent comment, they begin to play with your emotions. Remember: narcissists know your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, they know what unpleasant phrases will undermine your self-confidence and what topics will open old wounds. They use this knowledge to provoke you. After you swallow the bait whole, the narcissist will calm down and innocently ask if you're okay, assuring that he "didn't mean" to disturb you. This feigned innocence takes you by surprise and makes you believe he didn't really mean to hurt you, until it starts to happen so often that you can no longer deny his obvious intentional cruelty.

How not to fall for the bait. Watch out if you are bothered by some rude comment, if someone is playing devil's advocate or inappropriately joking. There is usually a reason for this. This will help to understand at what point they are trying to catch you, and will allow you to stop communication as soon as possible. Trust your intuition: if even after the interlocutor has explained what was said, you feel that you have been humiliated, this is a signal to slowly comprehend the situation before reacting. Not everyone is able to express their disagreement respectfully. Remain vigilant and beware of a possible escalation of the conflict.

Instead of responding directly to the bait, say something like "That's interesting" and end the conversation.

This leaves almost no chance to continue the conversation and does not give the manipulator the emotional response he expects. Certainly, such situations will be repeated. Some toxic people will continue their provocation without even getting any emotional response. In this case, it is important to be able to stand up for yourself and make it clear that you will not tolerate such behavior and immediately end the conversation, finally breaking off the relationship.

Trying to answer manipulative people to their hidden provocations can lead to further gaslighting, but stick with your opinion that their behavior is not normal. Be firm by breaking contact with the person who provokes you and encourages you to an emotional reaction. Given your hypersensitivity, it cannot be said that you are "too" sensitive to the provocations of an insensitive person. Your reactions are justified. Trust yourself.

How to use the cleaning method when interacting with a narcissist

Description. If you need to describe the situation to the narcissist, refrain from overly emotional statements and deal with facts, this will help avoid direct confrontation. If possible, use email or text messages to be able to save correspondence. Narcissists feed on your emotional reactions and love to provoke hypersensitive people. Less emotional receptivity is part of a larger technique known as the "grey stone method." It was invented by the victim of a psychopath - a blogger named Skylar. The essence of this technique is that you begin to play the role of an "inconspicuous gray stone" so that the narcissist stops noticing you and does not seek to actively manipulate you, similar to how a hunted animal pretends to be dead to avoid being pursued by a predator. Using less emotional language can help you a lot, because in this case, the narcissist will not get much return from you and will switch to a more accessible victim of provocation and manipulation. In this case, it is effective to use a calm, reserved, or even unemotional tone of voice when presenting facts, or to give short and dry answers when exchanging text or email messages.

Clear wording. When you explain what the narcissist's behavior problem is, it's important to turn the attention away from yourself and onto the possible consequences. Example: "If you do not stop looking for contact with me, I will have to involve law enforcement." Or you can say directly: "Stop following me." You should do this by email or text message in order to be able to save the correspondence.

Use of boundaries. Express your wish directly, but only once via electronic communication channels. For example, if a married man is looking for communication with you, you can write to him: “I do not start relationships with married people. Please don't mess with me again." If he continues to disturb you, you can block his number and social media accounts. If he uses anonymous accounts or multiple phone numbers, save all information: it may be required for legal purposes.

Thank you. In most cases, when interacting with a narcissist, you should not say words of gratitude: do not put your finger in his mouth - he will bite off his whole hand. However, you can pay attention to your needs. If you need to negotiate in a situation where you cannot permanently end the relationship (for example, at work), find a way to meet your needs in one way or another. For example, if a colleague asks you to do most of the work on a project, tell him that you will do your half after he finishes his. Make sure that there is a factor of responsibility or reciprocity so that the person understands that his needs will be met only after yours.

Hardness. Stick to the facts and your goals, regardless of all the manoeuvres, by which the narcissist tries to manipulate you. For example, if you are gaslighted, you can use the broken record method and repeat the same thing. Another option is not to say anything at all, cut off communication with this person and just remind yourself of the real state of things. Bringing yourself back to reality is just as important, if not more so. You don't need the narcissist's permission to end this interaction and take care of yourself.

Compromise. As a general rule, narcissists are incapable of expressing disagreement peacefully, so don't count on honest negotiations with them. They will be furious if you threaten their sense of permissiveness. However, it is important to find unity with your goals, establish contacts with supportive people, connect external resources and expand your capabilities. No matter how vehemently they push your boundaries, keep doing what you do that is good for you and don't let them get away with it. As you observe and gather information about what is happening, keep all the evidence and remember that the narcissist rarely keeps his word. Strive to achieve wholeness within yourself and steadfastly resist the emotional manipulation that the narcissist is sure to use to get his way.

Active show of force. Faking confidence even when you don't feel it is even more important when interacting with a narcissist who is constantly looking for any vulnerabilities. Avoid direct confrontation whenever possible. If that's not possible, use this interaction to boost your confidence. Get a third party to mediate, witness, or give you courage. If you are usually a quiet and gentle conversationalist, in this case, speak in a firm, dry and unshakable tone. If it helps you, take a "strong posture". Maintain eye contact.

Exit strategy

If you suspect you are dealing with a narcissist, implement the steps below. You can use the acronym SUPPORT to remind yourself of your options for getting out of a situation:

About review instead of blame.

P gradual disappearance.

About tvorka.

P relationship breakup and safe departure plan.

A careful observation instead of reaction.

Review instead of blame. Narcissists show their true nature more quickly if they think you have no idea who they really are. A direct confrontation with the narcissist will lead to further manipulation and narcissistic rage, which will get you even more stuck in the cycle of violence. If you suspect that a narcissist is around you, the best option is to mentally prepare for the end of the relationship, while collecting as much information as possible about his character. For example, if you are planning a divorce with a narcissist, do not tell him about it until you have completed all the necessary things: consulting with a divorce lawyer who specializes in working with conflict personalities, contacting a financial adviser who will help you deal with debts and a budget, studying guardianship legislation, opening a separate bank account and finding a place to live. Watch for red flags, and when you notice them, build self-worth by not relying on the narcissist's claims (which will most likely consist of pathological lies, gaslighting, projections, and understatements). His actions and patterns of behavior will tell you much more than any words.

Fading out. Narcissists go berserk when they are ignored and rejected. But instead of directly rejecting them, you can gradually disappear from their lives. Pretend that everything is as usual, but gradually spend less and less of your energy and time on them. Stick to monosyllabic and dry answers in conversations. Step by step, reduce your contribution to the person so that he gets used to the fact that you are not always around. Narcissists cannot stand the lack of attention, so they will try to get narcissistic reinforcement elsewhere.

Excuse. As you gradually disappear from the narcissist's life, it is important to have a convenient excuse—something he finds plausible enough to explain your withdrawal without realizing that you are actually pushing him out of your life. Pretend to be very busy with a work project, emphasize how hard you are working on a term paper, talk about a new task that takes up your time. If this causes more rage, move on to the next step.

Relationship breakdown and safe exit plan. Ultimately, you will need a safe escape plan. Speak with a counseling psychologist, your company's human resources officer, or a domestic violence lawyer to develop an escape plan. Depending on the nature of your relationship with the narcissist and whether or not you live together, you may not have to organize as many activities as it seems.

Careful observation instead of reaction. If you are forced to interact with the narcissist even after the breakup (for example, in the case of co-parenting or at family events), you need to keep your emotions under control. As you already know, narcissists love to provoke you. Notice manipulation tactics, give them names, but do not show the expected reactions. Take a conscious breath and switch to taking care of yourself. Understand exactly what they expect from you, and you will find emotional freedom from their maneuvers.

Narcissists: who they are, signs of narcissism, rules of conduct

The article was reviewed and commented by clinical psychologist and scientific researcher Christina Andreyuk.

Who is
How to recognize
Men and women
Types
Treatment
How to communicate
How to leave

Who is a narcissist?

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Narcissism is a feature of the psyche in which a person perceives himself as a unique individual, considers himself better than others, which is not always true. In fact, these traits are present in the character of many people. In a healthy personality, they result in ambition and a desire to please. But under a certain scenario, laid down in childhood, such behavior can turn into a pathology, which is often accompanied by other diagnoses, such as bipolar disorder and depression.

Contrary to popular belief, people with narcissistic personality disorder do not like themselves very much. Rather, they admire their grandiose projection, which allows them to close gaps in their own self-esteem. Such protection allows narcissists to avoid deep feelings and self-doubt. A person with this disorder does not tolerate minimal criticism, he perceives remarks as a personal insult and is able to throw a tantrum if someone refuses to admire him. You can check how narcissistic traits are characteristic of you or your partner using the NPI questionnaire [1]. The more positive answers a person gives to statements from the list compiled by American psychologists and researchers Robert Raskin and Howard Terry, the more narcissistic features appear in him. Meeting people with a true personality disorder is not easy. According to various sources, their number in society varies from 1 to 6%.

How to recognize a narcissist?

According to the American psychiatrists' handbook "Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" [2], there are nine signs of narcissistic personality disorder. If at least five of these are present, a doctor may suspect a disorder. Usually such a person:

Has an inflated sense of self-importance. He often exaggerates his achievements and talents. Expects people to admire his actions, even if they were minor. If the narcissist organized the cleaning of the yard, then at least the district newspaper should write about it.
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love. To each new partner, the narcissist can say that he is the love of his life or wait for him to fulfill his fantasies. The beginning of such a relationship is a magical, but short period. In work, the narcissist, according to him, is a genius. If he has not been able to achieve great results, he is simply sure that success lies ahead of him, even if it is time for him to retire.
Believes that he is not like others and has few equals. Therefore, the environment must match. The narcissist chooses “special” people as friends and partners, for example, with high social status or model appearance. Thus, he seems to reflect himself through them, because his problems are unique and can only be understood by special people. Narcissists like to be associated with big brands, whether it be in their work projects or clothing choices.
Requires constant attention, recognition and admiration, even if you just took out the trash or cooked dinner.
Absolutely sure that everyone owes him. Expectations for other people are usually very high. Close people are obliged to fulfill the requests of the narcissist at the first call.
Uses other people to achieve his own goals. For him, it goes without saying. The narcissist is not used to sincerely thanking for services and does it only within the framework of the accepted ethical norm.
He has difficulty experiencing empathy. Such people are not able to draw a parallel between their feelings and the feelings of others. Therefore, the narcissist does not even think about when he hurts someone. Very often, this behavior is mistaken for abuse by partners of narcissists. In fact, he may be concerned with how to hide the shame of his failure and not lose his greatness.
Often jealous of others and believes that others envy him. In the latter case, it is by this circumstance that the narcissist explains the criticism of others in his address.
Arrogant towards other people. Such a person absolutely sincerely believes that he is better than others, and other people's shortcomings are an excellent reason to assert himself.

Narcissists in men and women disorder in one form or another, men are more likely to be affected by this disorder than women. The data were collected over a period of 30 years, and the percentage ratio between the sexes did not change much during this time [3].

In doing so, the researchers noted two important points. First, male narcissists were more likely than females to exploit others and believe they were entitled to certain privileges. Secondly, men were more likely to seek power. Scientists explain this by the fact that until recently, leadership qualities did not meet the criteria for femininity. According to one of the authors of the study, Emily Griyalva, girls are more often criticized for aggressiveness and authoritarianism. Thus, society unconsciously suppressed manifestations of narcissistic behavior [4].

As regards vanity and striving for a vivid self-presentation, in this respect there was no significant difference between men and women.

Types of narcissists and how they are formed

There are different approaches to the formation of narcissism, including studies that allow for genetic influence, but this is not a decisive factor in the formation of personality.

In 1914, Sigmund Freud stated that children somehow go through a stage of primary narcissism. He believed that this was an intermediate stage of growing up, but later he singled out other forms of narcissism, to a greater extent associated with mental disorders.

Neuro-Freudian Karen Horney argued that the development of such character traits may be due to the fact that parents in various ways pushed the child to create psychological protection. For example, they could delegate the embodiment of their ambitions or rejected the real manifestations of the child, instilling a sense of inferiority.

The contribution of parental figures to the formation of narcissistic disorder is also noted by psychotherapist and researcher Otto Kernberg. He compares narcissism with a false prop that a person erects in order to receive from others the admiration and confidence that he did not receive from his parents in childhood and cannot give himself in adulthood [5].

In the book of psychologist Elinor Greenberg "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: the pursuit of Love Admiration and Safety" [6], the author divides narcissists into three types:

Open, or grandiose. Embodied stereotype. A bright character illustrating this feature of development and behavior. His whole being screams, "Look at me." This childish behavior indicates that a person is stuck at an age when adults pay a lot of attention to the child, praise him excessively, suggest that he is special, forgetting to teach him empathy.
Hidden or depressive. Such people can grow up in families where one of the relatives, including mother or father, was a narcissist. At the same time, there was a high level of competition for love and attention. On the one hand, children copied the behavior model of narcissistic parents, on the other hand, such a child formed protective mechanisms, since an adult narcissist would certainly assert himself at his expense. Growing up, such people may not openly say that they are special. They would rather choose a person, a book, an object and exalt their virtues. Thus, the narcissist puts them on a par with himself. In personal relationships, such people do not like direct conflicts. Their weapon is passive aggression. A favorite technique is to promise and not deliver, and then blame the other person for everything. They tend to be insecure, and ambivalent behavior often leads them to depression.
Perverse or toxic. Such people go even further. They love not only admiration, but also submission. Narcissists of this type love to wreak havoc around themselves, the same that reigned in their childhood in relationships with their parents. These narcissists often give their partners an emotional rollercoaster of humiliation and praise. They take pleasure in destroying other people's careers, destroying people morally and spiritually.

Mixed representatives of these types also exist.

Treatment for Narcissism

More often than not, narcissists don't even suspect that something is wrong with them, because they don't tend to blame themselves for anything. So if such people were seen by a specialist, then the reason for this could be related problems: depression, bipolar disorder, or excessive alcohol consumption. There is no cure for narcissism yet. Psychotherapy has a positive effect on such patients. Properly structured classes can help a person establish relationships with loved ones, learn to withstand criticism, stop despising themselves and others, set realistic goals and achieve them, and not dream of sky-high heights [7].

Although there is no cure for narcissism yet, psychotherapy has a positive effect

How to communicate with a narcissist?

Building an even relationship with a narcissist is not always easy. Some prefer to just cut them off. But what if this is not possible? Let's say that person is a family member or ex-husband/wife with whom you have children in common.

The first thing psychologists advise is to try to detach yourself emotionally. Ignore toxic statements and manipulations. It is useless to expect sudden changes in behavior from such people. According to research, narcissists do not tend to learn from their own mistakes simply because they are sure they did not make them [8].
Your personal boundaries are your guard against the actions of a narcissist. “This won’t happen to me anymore”, “I won’t fall for these manipulations” - phrases that will help to avoid an unpleasant conversation or intrusive requests of a narcissist. You can't wait for a response.
The shortest possible answers, conditionally "yes" and "no", are your main allies in a dialogue with such a person if he began to resort to manipulation. By minimizing communication, you give him much less reason to hook on to some phrase and launch an attack.
Stick to the topic of conversation and don't get sidetracked. Perhaps your counterpart will try to knock you out of the saddle with accusations or get personal. In this case, the phrase “We are going off topic” will help bring the discussion back on track.
Compliments. If you really need to get something out of a narcissist, don't be stingy with praise. Most likely, he will even enjoy fulfilling your request. Yes, this is manipulation, but who said that only a narcissist can use this technique?

How to get away from a narcissist

The end of a relationship is never easy. With a narcissist, breaking up can be doubly difficult. For him, the fact that he was abandoned is an intolerable insult. That is why he will try by hook or by crook to bring the partner back. During this period, he will become sensitive and gentle, will swear eternal love and will do this until his victim loses his vigilance. Often, therefore, relationships with a narcissist develop into a cycle of breaks and reunions. Nevertheless, if you decide to put an end to your communication, psychologists recommend the following:

Write down the reasons why you want to leave. It's best to keep this list around in case the narcissist decides to drag you back into the relationship by talking about eternal love.
Give up illusions. It is difficult for such people to change, especially without the help of a specialist. Do you have time to wait until he finally learns to show empathy and respect?
Disconnect all contacts. Ask a friend to pick up your belongings from the narcissist. Block this person in all phones and messengers. If you have children in common, at first ask someone close to you to be with you at general meetings.
Let go of your feelings. Breaking up, even with a toxic person, is always hard. Give yourself time to get over this situation. Just don't expect the narcissist to suffer in return. Most likely, during this period, he will try to restore his shattered ego and will choose not the most pleasant ways for this: either he will tell everyone what a bad person you are, or seek solace in the arms of someone else.

There are nine signs of narcissism, but five signs can already be suspected of it

Kristina Andreyuk, clinical psychologist, researcher. Research interests: mentalization, manipulative behavior, personality disorders

In addition to family relationships, external factors can also enhance narcissistic traits. Media and social networks broadcast often unattainable ideals, and self-improvement services are imposed by advertising. All this can affect the psyche.

In "normal narcissism" people try to please others, to achieve success in their work, which helps them to adapt in society. However, in the case of pathology, a person's ideas about themselves are distorted. In this case, the emphasis is on the grandiosity of his figure. He experiences difficulties in forming adequate ideas about other people, abuses manipulations, grossly violates the boundaries of the interlocutor and ignores his comfort. Narcissistic features can manifest themselves in pathological perfectionism, hypochondria, constant attempts to correct their "flaws", including, for example, transforming one's appearance as the most noticeable attribute of self-presentation for others.

On the surface, narcissists give the impression of being rather pleasant people. According to research, many socially active narcissists have charisma, know how to hold an audience, are not afraid to express themselves, appear self-confident, and have high claims regarding academic and professional achievements. These qualities often show up in job interviews and help narcissists get into leadership positions. However, such bosses may use too subjective criteria when evaluating employees, focusing not on their professional achievements, but on the degree of admiration, devotion, and the absence of doubts about the correctness of the leader's decisions.

Close relationships are difficult for narcissists. In partners and friends, they are primarily looking for confirmation of their exclusivity, superiority (which reinforces vulnerable self-esteem). Often, such people confuse the attachment that accompanies healthy partnerships and collaborations with the addiction that can shackle and inspire fear. The demands of constant adoration and recognition of their grandiosity, which the narcissist often implements in the form of excessive control over the thoughts and feelings of a partner, in most cases, sooner or later are not fully satisfied, which leads to conflicts and increased manipulative behavior.

If you have found any manifestations of narcissistic traits in yourself and want to change them, then it will be useful for you to develop the skills of self-reflection, mentalization (understanding mental states), work on the development of emotional intelligence, empathy (for example, discuss with friends the films you have watched, read books in terms of understanding the inner world of the characters, their motivation, etc.). It is very important to learn to analyze what is happening from different positions, without sliding into extreme points, such as, for example, idealization and depreciation - look for alternative explanations. Try to look at situations or actions from different angles, noting the possible positive aspects of seemingly negative events, including during conversations with loved ones.

If your loved one has narcissistic traits, you need to learn how to track the emotional states of both you and your interlocutor. It is necessary to soberly analyze situations of interpersonal communication.