Why am i feeling so lonely
How can I stop feeling lonely? | Isolation and loneliness
If you're reading this, chances are you know what it’s like to feel lonely. That means you know that loneliness can sometimes feel like it’ll never end, and that you can often be surrounded by friends and family and still feel cut off from the world. But loneliness isn’t something that you have to manage on your own, and though it might be hard, there are things you can do to feel more connected to people around you.
Why do people feel lonely?
Because loneliness is so common, it makes sense that there are also lots and lots of different reasons why people feel lonely. Here are a few of the main ones:
- Feeling distant from friends. Ever felt like even though all of your friends are one tap of a button away, you’re still not really connected to them? Don’t worry: this is a very common feeling.
- Being single. Whether it’s your friends all getting into relationships and dating, constantly seeing dating shows on TV, or feeling pressure from your extended family to bring someone home, it can feel like romantic relationships are at the front of everyone’s mind.
It can be tough feeling like you’re missing out on something.
- Not fitting in. Maybe you have different interests to the people at your school. Or maybe you just dress differently. In any case, feeling like you don’t fit can make the symptoms of loneliness even worse, and can mean it’s even more difficult to meet friends and feel connected.
- Looking after a parent or sibling. Being the primary carer for someone close to you who is sick or has a disability can often make you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. After all, a lot of your friends won’t know what it’s like to have a brother with Down’s syndrome, or a mother with bipolar, so being a carer can leave you feeling like you can’t really talk to people – let alone have them over for dinner or a sleepover.
How normal is it to feel lonely?
Recent research from ReachOut has shown that one in five young people reported feeling lonely 'most of the time' or 'always'.
So just because you’re feeling lonely, it doesn’t mean that you are different or ‘weird’: in fact, it means that you have more in common with the people around you than you realise.
Disability, illness, racism and loneliness
Sometimes loneliness can be caused by something else going on in our lives. Here are some of the major issues which can cause loneliness:
- Mental illness. A lot of mental illnesses like bipolar, anxiety and depression can all make people feel very lonely. Mental illness can make you anxious about seeing others, so you might spend more time indoors. Or it can lead to insomnia, which in turn can make you tired, irritable and lonely.
- Disability. A range of disabilities can often make people feel as though there is no one around them that cares. These feelings can get even worse if people in public are unkind or rude, and facing daily discrimination can make loneliness even harder to bear.
- Racism.
People who encounter racism say that being discriminated against can make them feel alone, and can make it harder for them to form real connections. Racism takes a lot of forms, all of them hurtful, so sometimes even a ‘minor’ or ‘casual’ act of racism can have big impacts on someone’s self-esteem.
When do people feel lonely?
Loneliness can hit anyone at any time. Sometimes you might not even feel lonely for an obvious reason, and what you’re experiencing could always be connected to other things like depression or anxiety.
But it's true that a lot of people tend to feel lonely during big life events. Maybe you’re moving house. Maybe your parents are getting separated. Maybe you’re going from primary school into high school. Or maybe you just feel like you’ve outgrown your friendship group, or that they’re starting to get into things that don’t really interest you.
All of these things could be making you feel lonely and lost, and you might find it hard to connect with people around you.
How do you manage loneliness?
There’s no one single way to fight loneliness: if there was, everybody would be using it! But that doesn’t mean that loneliness is impossible to beat, or that if you’re feeling it now you will be forever. Here are a few quick dot points that cover some of the ways you can start feeling more at peace with the people in your life:
- Talk to people you trust about how you feel.
- Think about your interests and hang out with like-minded people (check out your school or local community centre to see if there are any groups you might like).
- Get a pet or try pet minding.
- Get online and play a game or check out our Forums.
- Say yes to any social invitations that might come your way.
- Practise dealing with the feeling of loneliness by validating the emotion (e.g. ‘It’s okay I feel this way’, ‘Everyone feels this way sometimes’) and talking to yourself like a friend (‘I’m here for you, this will pass).
For more information on these steps, head over to ReachOut’s step-by-step guide for fighting loneliness that you can find here.
What can I do now?
- Hop on the ReachOut Forums to connect with other people who might be feeling lonely.
- Call a friend and suggest a movie or a walk outdoors.
- Read about making friends.
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7 reasons you might feel lonely even though you’re not alone
Skip to content 7 reasons you might feel lonely even though you’re not alonePhoto by Andre Benz on Unsplash
Americans are currently facing an epidemic of loneliness. In New York City, this epidemic appears to be nearly universal despite it being one of the most densely packed and busiest cities in the nation.
It may seem strange that someone can feel lonely when surrounded by 8 million people, but, sadly, it’s all too common.
So what is going on?
A recent study published in Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology sheds some light what makes a person feel lonely. In sum, they suggest that loneliness has to do with the quality of one’s relationships as opposed to the number of people in one’s life, per se. In other words, many people are feeling terribly alone despite not being alone.
“The perceived quality, not the quantity, of interpersonal connections was associated with poor mental health.”
How can someone feel lonely even when in the company of friends and family? And how can another, who only has a few close relationships, be fulfilled and happy while appearing to some to be alone? The answer basically lies in how well a person is able to connect on a deep emotional level with others in an intimate and vulnerable way.
So what might prevent a person from being able to do that?
History of TraumaAnother major findings of the previously mentioned study was that individuals with histories of trauma were also those with the highest rates of subjective loneliness. For each additional childhood traumatic event, the odds of experiencing emotional loneliness increased by 28 per cent. This emotional loneliness was experienced even when the person ranked high on number of relationships.
At the same time, those who were both alone and subjectively lonely fared the worst. They were also those to have adult traumatic experiences in addition to a higher level of childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma impacts an individual during their most vulnerable times of growth and development. Such experiences not only impact one’s sense of safety, but also shape a person’s perception of relationships, the trustworthiness of others, one’s sense of self and worthiness, and risk/reward ratio of being vulnerable to another.
And, when a person becomes traumatized and/or hurt repeatedly, it becomes that much more difficult to believe that people are safe or even worth getting close to.
However, one does not have to have experienced overt trauma in their life to struggle with feeling lonely in the present.
Poor Parental AttachmentMore than anything, we learn how to connect and form bonds with others based on the bonds we’ve had with our caregivers. When there’s a disruption in the parental bond, it often becomes more difficult throughout life to feel emotionally attached to others.
Attachment theory posits that the attachment relationship we had with our parents tends to be repeated in other important relationships. If you felt dismissed, invalidated, or like your needs would not be met, then you likely expect this from others (and treat others similarly). Worse, if you were scared of a parent or saw them as threatening somehow, yet also depended on them for survival, you might find that you have an intense distrust of others or even find yourself in repeated abusive relationships.
When the parental bond resulted in an insecure attachment of sorts, there tends to be a chronic feeling that something is missing. You might spend your life trying to fulfill the needs that weren’t met as a child, and chronically become disappointed because no person can ever fill those needs once you’re an adult.
Sadly, you may even come to believe that you don’t deserve love or not even know how to be close to another human being, reinforcing a pattern of chronic isolation and loneliness.
Fears of Intimacy/VulnerabilityGrowing up, we all learn to play certain roles, what is/is not accepted by peers and authority, and how to survive in a sometimes cruel world. Our teenage years are often filled with experiences of trying on different masks until we find one that fits. Commonly, we also learn in this process that it is not ok to just be you. This is especially true if we’ve been deeply hurt.
When someone gets bullied or is in a relationship that leaves one heartbroken, a message starts to form that it’s not safe to be who you are.
It’s not ok to open up, love, or be vulnerable. An armor starts to form to protect against any possible future instances of pain. And, in so doing, a gap begins to grow between you and others.
Photo by Hugo L. Casanova on Unsplash
Shielding yourself from pain makes sense. But, what protects against pain also prevents love from getting through. There’s no selective armor.
We also live in a society that values toughness, stoicism, and fierce independence. We all are taught lessons from an early age that it is not acceptable to be “weak.” Our feelings become dangerous and shameful parts of our being. We spend time with friends and loved ones, yet everyone is wearing masks of superficiality. Deeper discussion, intimate connection, and authenticity are avoided at all costs.
A suit of armor becomes a fleet of armed warriors.
More distance, more gaps, and, more loneliness.
Trapped in a False NarrativeA history of trauma, pain and rejection can lead to a distorted and painful narrative about oneself that then shapes each new experience one has.
In addition, living in a society that forces high levels of conformity and docility, most people learn from a young age that parts of their self are unacceptable, shameful, or just plain “bad.”
The biggest problem in this is a concept called confirmation bias. We all love to be right – about everything. This is the case even when what we believe to be true is extremely harmful to the self.
If you believe deep down that you will be rejected, that parts of yourself are bad, or that you are somehow defective, you will prove yourself right at all costs. You will interpret others’ actions through this lens, discount evidence to the contrary, be attracted to individuals who treat you poorly, and even bring out certain behaviors in others that confirm your narrative.
Further, if you believe you aren’t good enough, then you will believe, on some level, that neither are your friends. Every judgment about yourself becomes manifest 10-fold with others.
This makes it nearly impossible to connect, be vulnerable, or feel an emotional closeness with others.
So long as you believe yourself and/or others to be unworthy somehow, it doesn’t matter how many people you have in your life – you will always feel alone.
It’s very difficult to truly connect with others when one avoids vulnerability or revealing their authentic self. In addition, there are many other societal factors that contribute to incredible difficulties emotionally connecting to an other.
We hear a lot about technology and social media as major factors in the current loneliness epidemic. Research, however, is mixed on this. On the one hand, yes, people are more immersed in games, phones, pictures that are cloaked in rose-colored lenses, and capturing the perfect selfie. At the same time, technology also allows for more ways to stay connected with family and friends and can actually decrease feelings of loneliness. The catch?
It seems that technology is kind of good for older adults.
Yet, younger adults (18-22) fair best when they stay off their phones and computers.
This makes sense if one considers that the problems with technology are symptoms of a greater issue, rather than the cause. Our society has become hyper-polarized and increasingly individualistic.
People have become less empathetic, more concerned about self – love, care, improvement, image, help – at the expense of compassion, more controlled and regimented, more standardized, less adventurous, less open to creativity, and less tolerant of ambiguity.
Children are indoctrinated into this mentality from the moment they enter the education system. School is designed for conformity and standardization – much of the exploration, fun, and creativity disappeared when there became less room for PE, music, art, language, and free time as part of a standard curriculum. Kids’ self-worth becomes wrapped up in grades, perfectionism, and success.
Community and play are seen as almost frivolous.
Isolation becomes part of the norm from a very early age.
This phenomenon might be particularly true for New Yorkers in that many relationships are built on what someone can do for you, rather than how much you just genuinely enjoy being around and feel close to someone. We live in a society that values things and “success” over relationships. Relationships, then, become commodities to be acquired in the same way as a new car or the latest gadget.
Too often, people are seen as objects.
This does not bode well for emotional closeness. As such, one is never fulfilled and just needs more, more, and more.
Too Many ExpertsWe live in an interesting time wherein there is an expert for literally everything. We are told what to eat, how to bathe, what our bodies should do and look like, how to breathe, how to poop, and how to make love. We’ve come so far from our natural instincts and ability to listen to our bodies and minds that we do not even feel connected to our own selves!
And, so, people tend to question everything.
As soon as something goes wrong, or if someone else tells you something is wrong, questions start to arise about who you’re spending time with. Others’ opinions become truth. If it’s a romantic relationship, the next one is always just a swipe away so there’s no need to stick with someone who may not fit your image, others’ expectations, what society says is “right,” etc.
Emotional connection requires being touch with, well, your emotions. And, being able to trust those emotions without anyone else telling you what you should or should not do. No one is an expert on you besides you.
WAIT, THERE’S HOPE!
Just because your past or your culture may influence your sense of loneliness, that does not mean it’s destiny. People can change. You can learn to slowly let down your barriers, to trust others, to accept the parts of yourself that you’ve grown to hate, to value yourself and others regardless of what people might think, to dare to be “weak,” and to listen to your body and instincts.
We are a social species. The ability to connect is inherent in all of us, even if it might look very different for any given individual.
Go now.
Turn off the computer, call a friend and ask about their day, look into someone’s eyes and smile, tell someone you love them. It’s not too late.
MindClear Integrative Psychotherapy2020-01-01T16:18:10+00:00
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Why we are lonely: 6 reasons
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Know yourself
“I am fine, but I constantly feel lonely, although I am not alone,” most people can ascribe such a phrase to themselves.
Where does this feeling come from and why are there so many of us lonely?
Now we can answer these questions. Research by the Red Cross in the UK has shown that one in five Brits feel lonely. Other studies show that chronic loneliness is bad for health and can shorten life expectancy. Fortunately, we are now well aware of this influence.
Most people whose experiences in childhood were ignored by their parents end up feeling lonely as adults. It seems to many that there is nothing wrong with the fact that adults do not respond to the emotions of the child.
However, this upbringing deprives him of important parts of the foundation on which relationships with others are built.
The consequences of neglecting emotional needs continue to affect adulthood, creating feelings of alienation and other problems.
Reasons why you feel lonely:
1. Your family did not talk heart to heart. It happens that relatives are very good at discussing plans for the future and practical issues, but if someone is sad and hurt, family members seem to scatter.
Yes, it's hard to talk about painful experiences. This needs to be learned.
And if it was not customary in your family to discuss feelings seriously, you may simply not be able to do this. And because this skill is essential for building meaningful relationships (both friendships and loves), you find it difficult to connect with others, and as a result, you suffer from loneliness.
2. Your parents criticized your feelings, and you began to shut yourself off from the experience in order to survive. As a child, you adapted to the conditions of life in the family, learning to suppress emotions so as not to burden your parents with them. But feelings are a kind of glue that binds people and allows them to build meaningful relationships. Without them, it is difficult to build those deep and lasting emotional bonds that everyone needs.
3. If your parents didn't see your feelings, they seemed to send a signal every day: "No one needs your feelings.
" Since feelings are the deepest and most natural manifestation of ourselves, we hear this message in a different way: “No one needs (needs) you yourself.”
Adults whose feelings were neglected in childhood feel, deep down, that they are less important than others. They sacrifice feelings, needs, and needs for the benefit of those around them. If you consider yourself worse than others, you seem to live in a separate world.
4. Another message your subconscious was receiving: "If something is wrong with your feelings, then so is you." A person who grew up in a family where his feelings were not considered, from childhood feels deeply flawed. Because of this, he is afraid to open up to others, because he is afraid that they will see his insignificance.
Therefore, he maintains a "safe" relationship, but they do not bring satisfaction
5. You tried all the time to ask your parents for emotional help, which is completely natural, but did not receive it.
Now, as an adult, you are afraid to seek emotional support from others. You are afraid to experience disappointment or rejection, so you rely only on yourself. Your motto is "I can do it myself." But being afraid to ask for help, you isolate yourself from others and, again, feel lonely.
6. You find it difficult to explain to loved ones that your emotional needs were neglected as a child. Because of this, it may seem to you that only you have suffered from such problems and no one can understand you.
But you are not alone. In fact, countless people are experiencing the same thing. Most of them seem to be healthy, resilient people. You meet them in the store, in the office, even at the festive table.
It is necessary to learn to take care of your emotions. After all, then you yourself will be able to give yourself that love and affection that was not enough in childhood. Once you decide to take this path, there will be no going back.
Life will become richer, relationships will begin to bring joy, and your suffering from loneliness will end!
Text: Nikolai Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images
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Feeling lonely? 11 ways to overcome this feeling.
The great irony is that as we become more and more “connected”—on social media, video calls, and messaging—we simultaneously feel more and more alone. And while we may use technology to feel more connected, it may be exactly what makes us feel alone.
Practice kindness. In difficult times it is important to practice kindness. Blaming yourself when you feel lonely won't help. So stop your harmful self-talk, take care of yourself and take a little break. Perhaps a walk in nature or a day at the spa can be helpful in getting you into a mood of kindness.
Enjoy the moment. When you like something, immediately share it with others, and I do not mean that you need to post on social networks. You can share by calling or sending a message to a friend. Or share with the people you work with. Keep in mind that the positive things you can share don't have to be big. You could just wake up on the right side of the bed and think, "Hey, I feel great today." By sharing these moments, you create a small connection with other people that can help you overcome loneliness.
Connect in real life. Connecting in real life may not be as easy as it used to be. We use our smartphones a lot - it's easier and it's now culturally accepted.
But we can lessen our loneliness if we build stronger personal bonds. We do this by looking into people's eyes, by listening, by being mindful, and by being careful not to be distracted by phones or other technologies.
Rethink how you spend your free time. When we feel lonely, sometimes we just want to go into a corner and hide. Other times, our endless to-do list can leave us too frazzled to go out and socialize. We have created a life for ourselves that robs us of meaningful social connection, and the only way to get out of it is to start living differently. If instead we use our loneliness as a motivation to reach out to people, then we can strengthen our relationships. By choosing to cope with our loneliness by seeking social support, we create more social moments with the people in our lives that are important to us, which usually reduces our loneliness.
Do more things with people. Participation in face-to-face communication leads to an improvement in our mood and a decrease in depression.
Activities that involve other people, such as attending religious services or playing sports, can also have a positive impact on our mental health. So find ways to be around people more often.
Talk to strangers. A growing body of research shows that even seemingly mundane interactions with strangers, such as chatting with a barista or cashier, can beat loneliness by helping us feel more socially connected. So reach out to other people to say hello, ask how they are, or talk about what's on your mind. These small actions can make a big difference and help you reduce feelings of loneliness.
Be active online. Instead of passively surfing the web or social media, do something that involves the active participation of other people. For example, you can play games with other people, chat about things you care about, give advice on a forum, or chat with a friend via video. The more you communicate with other people online, the more connections you have.
Stop your negative thought cycles. We could repeatedly think about what we could have done differently so as not to feel so alone. We think about events, people, or reasons because we mistakenly believe that thinking about our loneliness over and over again will help us get rid of it. Unfortunately, it is useless to dive into our thoughts instead of taking the actions we need to feel better. To end these negative thought cycles, we need to take action - do something different that stops these thoughts and changes our perception of the world. For example: "If I'm feeling lonely, I'll go to the gym or schedule dinners with friends for the next few days." And it helps.
Spend money on experience. If we spend all our money on things, we will have nothing left to spend on experiences with others. And it turns out that spending money on experiences is a lot better for our mental health. So get creative and think about what you want to do with others.
