How to focus on yourself after a breakup
How to Love Yourself Again After a Break-up
Breaking up with a toxic person can sometimes feel like your world has crumbled in on itself. While you will eventually feel free from their clutches, it takes a while to get there.
Because of something called trauma bonding, abusive relationships can be incredibly hard to leave. Over time the abuser — especially if they are a narcissist — will have made you feel like you can't live without them.
But you will eventually realise how much better off you are without them in your life, and will be better equipped for relationships in the future.
During the toxic relationship, you probably forgot to take care of yourself. David Brudö, CEO and cofounder of the mental well-being and personal development app Remente, told Business Insider there are several ways to practise self-love after a bad relationship has ended.
These can also be applied to any break-up, not just the end of a relationship with an abuser. Here they are:
1.
"Easier said than done but learning to let go is one of the most important steps to take if you want to relieve yourself of a toxic relationship," Brudö said. "Accept that everyone makes mistakes and that they are in the past, and only take away what you learnt from the situation."
It'll be difficult at first, he added, but the more you practise, the easier it will become.
2. Have some "me" time
It's more important than ever to do the things you enjoy doing. Brudö said it's the perfect time to take up a new hobby, or complete that project you just didn't get around to doing.
"Set aside a couple of evenings a week to do something you truly enjoy outside of work, as that will drastically decrease your stress levels and help keep your spirits high," he said.
3. Take control
Once you've taken enough time to get your feelings under control, you can channel your energy into something else.
"Whenever we feel strongly about a situation outside of our influence, it can be hugely empowering to take charge of something that is entirely under our control," Brudö said.
"It can be anything from a new project at work, to prepping your meals for the week ahead. Seeing something you do make a difference can go a long way in preventing you from feeling angry and frustrated."
4. Minimise your bad habits
Although it might be tempting, try to avoid turning to drinking, smoking, or other unhealthy habits. It may feel like escaping in the short term, but you won't thank yourself in the long run.
"It doesn't help you address, or deal with your feelings, but instead creates a temporary escape and additional bitter feelings," Brudö said. "Instead, do something else you enjoy and focus on feeling healthy and happy instead."
5. Make your health a priority
Rather than turning to junk food and watching TV all day, Brudö said you should eat healthily and make sure you do some exercise. It will boost your endorphins, and help you sleep.
6. Communicate with others
A break up, especially a tough one, can make us lose perspective.
Brudö said having friends and loved ones you can speak to can help you deal with your emotions.
"Discussing how you feel following the breakup with someone else as this will help you see the problems facing you in a different light and perhaps lead you to let go," he said. "Even if you don't find an answer, socialising will take your mind off the breakup and help you relax."
7. Try practising mindfulness
After a break-up, it can be tough to focus on anything else. In fact, we might not even realise we are letting negative, obsessive thoughts take over our minds.
"This is where mindfulness can be very useful," Brudö said. "Taking as little as three minutes to focus on your breathing and actually focus on all those flashbacks from the toxic relationship, thus bringing you closer to letting go and moving on."
8. Focus on the positives
It will take some time to get into the right frame of mine to do this, but when you look back on the relationship, try to find a positive that you learned from the experience.
"Finding a positive in emotional baggage can actually turn the negative experience into a positive, turning the 'baggage' into a learning curve," Brudö said.
9. Be patient
Building up your confidence again is going to take some time, so be patient. You might think of yourself as damaged, and that you'll never trust again, but in time you'll realise this isn't true.
"Practicing different ways of thinking and exercising new habits will eventually help you to let go of the past and become much more confident," Brudö said. "So, don't despair if you don't see changes happening overnight, as they will take time, but when they do happen, you will feel much happier."
How To Love Yourself Again After A Breakup: 18 Acts Of Self-Care
1. Give yourself credit for the little things.
"Sometimes, in the thick of emotional challenges, a person can use all of their energy just to get out of bed each day, feed themselves, and get back into bed," says LGBTQ+ mental health expert Kryss Shane, LMSW.
So right after a breakup, things like taking a shower, walking the dog, or brushing your teeth might feel as energy-sucking as a CrossFit workout. That's OK. No need to get down on yourself about it. Instead, celebrate those little wins.
But (and this is important!), "If this goes on for more than a couple of days, you need to seek out a mental health care professional," she says. "They'll be able to help you take steps toward healing."
2. Go to therapy.
"Mental health care isn't just for getting you out of the pits of problematic situations. It's also for harnessing your power and channeling it into the direction best for you moving forward," explains Shane. Plus, a therapist is equipped to help you process your pain and grieve in a way your non-therapist friends are not, she says. If cost or location is a barrier, you might try a therapy app like Talk Space or BetterHelp.
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3. Invest in your physical health in other ways.
"Start small," says Shane. "Commit to flossing four times a week. Decide to eat one healthy meal a day. Move your body more."
You might even buy a little kid's chore or potty chart and give yourself a sticker each time you hit your goal, she says. "You can choose sparkly or scented stickers to up your game or give yourself a point each time you meet your goal." It might sound silly, but Shane says, "It's a great physical representation that you are totally capable of meeting whatever goal you set your mind to!"
4. Call up your friends.
"It can be so, so beneficial to reach out and connect with friends when you're feeling the loss of a relationship," Kahn says. Being able to talk about the breakup and your current mental and emotional state with someone who cares about you can help you feel supported, he says. "Those bonds can be incredibly nourishing."
But be cautious about sharing every single thought about your ex that enters your brain with your pals.
New York psychologist Marianna Strongin, Psy.D., PLLC, notes that excessively talking about your ex can, at a certain point, stall healing. That's why Kahn says, "Make sure you're talking about other topics, not related to your ex, as well." Trust; the friendship will be better for it.
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5. Hang out with your people.
"Making plans with your friends and family during heartbreak is a great way to keep from hermitting, which can stall progress," says Shane. Your move: Ask your pals to hang. She recommends sending a text like: "Hi! Do you have any plans Tuesday night? I'm going through a breakup and could really use your support and company right now."
"Your friends love you [and] want to show you that they love you, but they're not mind-readers," she says. "You need to clue them in to the fact that you want some extra attention and time together so that they can show up for you!" Fair.
6. Release judgment.
"An important part of breaking up is not judging yourself," says Kahn. "Whether that's judging yourself about productivity, how 'well' you perceive yourself to be dealing with your breakup, or how 'well' you practice self-care, judging yourself rather than having self-compassion isn't going to speed up the process," he says.
When a judgmental thought enters your mind, acknowledge it, then replace it with a positive thought. For instance, "I am doing the best I can. And I am doing great." Or, "I am in the process of becoming the best version of myself."
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7. Write it out.
Ah, yes, page processing. "Writing can be one of the most sacred and healing spaces in one's life. Having the space to free-write can give you insight into your breakup, your current feelings, and why your breakup is so painful," says Kahn.
Do a breathing exercise (like box breathing), he suggests, then get scribbling.
One study published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine examined writers post-divorce and concluded that writing specifically about the split is more beneficial for your mental health than any other kind of writing. So you might try writing on the following prompts:
- In what ways did your ex make you a worse version of yourself?
- In what ways did they make you a better version of yourself?
- How can you hold on to these beneficial qualities while letting go of the qualities that no longer serve you?
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8. Do math.
No, really. "Things like math, math games, and sudoku utilize the logic and motor skills parts of your brain," explains Liz Afton, LMSW, psychotherapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center.
"If you're thinking about your ex, redirecting your focus to a different part of your brain can lessen the intensity and emotional pull related to the heartbreak." Plus, it lets you develop a new skillset!
If worst comes to worst and you are without your phone when you begin to spiral into nostalgia, try counting backward from 300...by 7's.
9. Read books about breakups.
Unfortunately, there may come a time when even your closest friend gets sick of playing the Heartbreak Commiseration Game. And that's when reading books featuring characters going through heartbreak can be helpful. Think Bluets by Maggie Nelson or Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed.
Strongin offers one important caveat: "Don't use this as a way to keep talking or thinking about your ex. It's also possible this keeps you from moving forward." So, if these tear-jerkers make you feel trapped, hopeless, or pessimistic instead of understood and hopeful, try a different genre.
For example...
10. Read erotica.
"In your relationships, you probably did a decent bit of (sexual and nonsexual) fantasizing about things that included your ex," says clinical sexologist Megan Stubbs, Ed.D. For instance, maybe you had your next five years mentally mapped out, or maybe you liked to think about them bending you over a Mercedes Benz. Regardless, Stubbs says reading content that works on your "fantasizing muscle" is a fun way to create new daydreams that don't involve your ex. A fan of erotica, she recommends Literotica. "It's one of the great treasure troves of the internet," she says. For book-length stories, check out Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson, Diary of a Submissive by Sophie Morgan, The Assignment by Evangeline Anderson, and Say Please by Sinclair Sexsmith. If one-handed reads aren't your thing, try out an actual fantasy genre novel instead.
11. Masturbate.
If solo sex fell to the wayside when you started having partnered sex with your ex, waving goodbye to your partner means waving goodbye to sexual pleasure. But it shouldn't! "Your ability to be sexually satisfied isn't tied to anybody else; you can seek out, and receive pleasure from, having sex with yourself," says Stubbs. If it's been a minute (or heck, years) since your last personal playdate and you're feeling shy, Stubbs has a piece of advice on getting started: "Just do it." That could mean massaging lotion into your legs, oil into your pubes, or simply brushing your hair, she says. "But making time to be with and explore your body, in any way, is important."
12. Go to a sex shop.
According to Stubbs, this is a post breakup double whammy. "It's retail therapy and an investment in your sexual self," she says. "The goal is to buy something that makes you feel sexy, sensual, and attractive again after a breakup." If toys are new to you, Stubbs recommends vulva owners get a classic external vibrator (like the Hitachi Wand or Le Wand Petite) and penis owners try a masturbation sleeve (like the Tenga Egg or Fleshlight).
Otherwise, just get the toy you feel most drawn to—you'll be more likely to use it.
13. Have sex with new partners.
That's right! Despite what you might've heard, rebound sex isn't inherently bad. "It's bad if you're using it as a distraction or to get revenge," Stubbs says. But, "Making new memories and new sexual memories with someone else, while connecting with your own body, can be really fun and transformative after a breakup."
If you're planning to get under someone to get over someone else, don't be a dick: Make sure the "rebound" is aware of your heartbroken status, says Stubbs. Not only is that the most fair thing for them, but it'll also prevent you from getting into a sticky situation that post-breakup you probably doesn't have the energy to deal with.
14. Do a social media cleanse.
When a breakup is fresh, seeing what your ex is up to can trigger a shitstorm of emotions. Save yourself from the agony of witnessing your ex's Life After You by blocking, muting, unfollowing, and/or unfriending them—and any of their friends or family—on social media.
Shane assures us, "It's not petty. It's self-care."
In fact, a 2012 study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking surveyed 464 participants and found that staying friends with an ex on Facebook was associated with a more difficult emotional recovery from a breakup and less personal growth, compared to those who unfriended.
If you're nervous about making this digital boundary and enforcing the no-contact rule, you can always send a text like: "Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I unfollowed you on Instagram. Until I heal from this breakup, I need a little space from your content. Hope you understand." When your heart is healed you can always go back and click "follow" if you feel moved to do so.
15. Get rid of your ex's stuff.
Yep, including that shirt of theirs you still sleep in.
But that doesn't mean throwing it all into a firepit and lighting it up. "The goal isn't to be vindictive. The goal is to remove any reminders of someone who no longer serves your happiest life," says Shane.
So if it doesn't put your safety at risk, put their stuff in a pile and arrange an exchange or drop-off, she says. Otherwise, donate it to charity.
In addition to intercepting future thoughts that might be triggered by having their stuff around, according to Kahn, "The actual process and ritual of cleaning and removing your ex's belongings from your space can be cathartic."
16. Remember the bad times.
This is tough to do when you're mourning a breakup and missing someone, but it's important not to put your ex on a pedestal. It's time to remind yourself of your ex's complete inability to put the dishes away, general self-absorption, closed-mindedness in bed, or whatever it might be. Why? Because thinking of past partner's negative qualities is more effective for getting rid of "love feelings" compared to thinking of their positive traits or other general distractions according to a small study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology.
But don't linger in this negative thought place for too long.
Reminding yourself of the bad times may help you fall out of love faster, but the researchers found that distraction is the best way to increase positive overall outlook in life. Meaning, think your judgy thoughts, but then throw your energy into something else—bowling, birdwatching, or whatever it may be.
17. Skip any song or TV show that reminds you of them.
If The L Word, The Big Bang Theory, and every single Bright Eyes song might remind you of your ex, do yourself a favor and skip it! Listen and watch something else. The experts promise, there will be a day when you'll be able to ogle Shane, eye-roll Sheldon, and dial up Conor Oberst without remembering your old boo's snuggly chest and bad breath. But that day is not today. So, thank you, next.
18. Give it time.
There's no official timeline on how long it will take you to get over an ex. The good news is, according to science, eventually you will. In a study published in the Review of General Psychology1, researchers found that the more space you get from a breakup, the more you heal emotionally.
They wrote in the conclusion, "We have a mechanism in our brains designed by natural selection to pull us through a very tumultuous time in our lives...it suggests people will recover; the pain will go away with time."
So, as Kahn says, "Try not to judge yourself for how long it's taking you to get over your ex." Instead, take comfort in knowing that you will not feel like this forever.
How to start a new life after parting?
Psychology
Unfortunately, love sometimes passes, and contradictions in a couple, as divorce lawyers say, become irreconcilable. Many people recover quickly after a breakup and start building new relationships, but what if the emotional trauma turned out to be too deep? ELLE offers five steps of "rehabilitation" to get out of a difficult situation with your head held high and the firm intention to live happily.
Throw out emotions
How to survive a breakup? Do not try to mask the pain and resentment after the breakup - cry and feel sorry for yourself as you should.
Many psychologists recommend creating a whole ritual for this: sit on the floor in the center of an empty room and sob uncontrollably for a couple of hours. The urge to whimper all day should be gone after that. In TV programs devoted to parting (The Ex-Wives Club, Reboot, Take It Off Immediately, etc.), experts also recommend getting rid of the ex-lover’s personal belongings left in the house in any improvised way. We support: out of sight - out of mind! An excellent option for throwing off negative emotions will be classes in the gym - dancing will cheer you up, and boxing will help to throw out steam.
Start with yourself
If before you literally could not imagine life without a partner, then after parting, you will certainly experience a feeling of emptiness: with whom to spend evenings now, for whom to cook breakfast, why go shopping and plan a vacation, how to start new life? Instead of couples entertainment, we advise you to take care of yourself. For example, take up a new hobby that you never had time for before.
For example, Jennifer Aniston survived the breakup with Brad Pitt with the help of yoga. The moral is easy to guess: it is more effective to concentrate on self-development and strive forward than to slip in place.
Enlist support
Don't be afraid to be weak and pour out your soul to those you trust, although you should not abuse too frequent conversations with close friends, because they also have the right to rest. An assistant in this case can be an electronic game diary “Hello Next! Forget your ex" for iOS. In essence, it is a coach that is always at your fingertips: the application gives daily tasks to help you cope with emotional pain, regain self-confidence and, finally, find a new partner. In case of an acute attack of melancholy, feel free to press the SOS button and follow the instructions. Consider that you have found another friend, and he will never be "too busy" to cry into his vest.
Move
No wonder they say that movement is life.
No matter how much you want to spend all your days in bed, force yourself to get out of the house for walks or even jogs. At first it will not be easy, but over time, a positive result will affect both the emotional background and the physical form. Also, do not abuse cigarettes and alcohol - such an unhealthy outlet has been proven to eventually aggravate the condition and provoke feelings of guilt. Moreover, when drunk, you run the risk of doing things that you may regret.
Make plans
A guilt complex often accompanies a breakup. Surely you are also thinking that you could be more accommodating in a relationship, look better, speak less harshly. If there really were mistakes, let them help to learn lessons for the future, but do not become a reason for self-flagellation. Instead of regretting the past, start journaling and write down your most desirable personal goals for the next month, year, and five years, and then make a list of small steps that will lead you to them.
Think about what you can do for your happiness today and how to start a new life?
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- Psychology
6 steps after a breakup that will save you from mistakes in a new relationship
August 17, 2020Relationships
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01. End the previous relationship
If you moved things to another apartment, stamped a divorce in your passport, or officially announced your separation on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship is over. They continue as you revisit the situation over and over again, reviewing photos, spying on your ex on the Internet. It will not be possible to quickly forget about the past, it takes a certain period.
When a flower is transplanted into another pot, it first languishes under the new conditions, even though there is more space and better soil. It needs time to get used to and blossom. People are more complex, so you need it too.
Focus on taking care of yourself first and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you do not survive the pain of previous relationships, new ones will only add problems.
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts
Wait a bit before starting a new relationship after a divorce or separation. Or a lot - it depends on how hard the breakup was for you. In my opinion, if the relationship lasted several years, then it is worth starting to build new ones no earlier than a year after the break.
2. Recover from trauma
Breaking up a relationship is a trauma for both participants in the process. It does not matter who was the initiator, why you broke up, whether there are reasons for joy and relief. It will hurt. Being brave and pretending you don't care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem, mental wounds cannot be cured.
Nadezhda Efremova
psychotherapist
It is necessary to restore yourself, starting with basic needs.
First, adjust sleep and nutrition. As soon as the basic segments return to normal, you can begin to move towards communication with loved ones. Don't rush to make new friends right away. First you need to feel the ground again under your feet and lick your wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.
3. Work on self-esteem
Breaking up hurts self-esteem. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to maintain a relationship, feel guilty. All this makes you vulnerable. You can jump into a new relationship to prove to yourself and your past love that you're still awesome. Or, on the contrary, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.
Andrey Smirnov
psychotherapist
After the end of a relationship, a person is often overwhelmed by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone's support.
Such fears are mostly irrational and can be easily overcome when communicating with a psychologist. First of all, it is necessary to realize that there are no irreplaceable ones and it is absolutely always possible to find a more suitable partner.
It is possible that you will look not for a person, but for a function - someone who will help you forget, survive, become different from your past love. And it’s not a fact that such relationships will help you recover and be productive.
Many people are so unable to endure the pain of a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very similar to walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it - continuous internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a state where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending like you're fine.
Nadezhda Efremova
When you end a long relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game.
You have not flirted seriously for a long time, you have become older. The old templates no longer work. We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how Tinder works.
4. Learn to live alone
In a long-term relationship, one way or another, you get used to your partner, somewhere yielding to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness is a great opportunity to return to the original version of yourself. Resetting the personality to the basic settings will not work, and it is not necessary: you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to the opinion of your partner.
The halves theory sounds nice. But it is better to come into relationships whole and build them with the same self-sufficient partner.
Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, health. If a person is successful and independent, a line of potential partners is lined up for him.
And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live without a partner for a while and strengthen your own positions. This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide a lot of emotional nourishment, even if they don't lead to a relationship.
Andrey Smirnov
5. Work on the mistakes
There is usually a reason for a breakup, even if you broke up peacefully and without tragedy. In order not to repeat the same mistakes in the following relationships, you need to understand where you turned the wrong way. And it's not about redrawing yourself to the generally accepted standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to choose more suitable people.
Alexander Bodrov
counseling psychologist, coach
Ideally, no matter how trite it may sound, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist to deal with this together with a specialist.
Very often, a break in a relationship follows a repeating scenario. And working together with a psychologist will help you find and understand the internal causes that draw you into this scenario and trigger destructive relationships.
In addition, pay attention to possible mistakes in interaction with a partner. There are things that are easy to learn. But many ignore them, because they simply do not think that it was possible. For example, it is not necessary to demand telepathic abilities from a partner, and then be offended that he could not read thoughts. If you accept that this is impossible, and speak out your desires and feelings, life will become much easier.
To protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you need to take the time to work on the mistakes. For example, to realize where the merger took place and which of the partners completely dissolved themselves in the other. Maybe at some point they were too lazy to talk about the conflict, and the gap is just the result of resentment that has not found a way out.
After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need to be adjusted. If this is not done, then you can run into a similar relationship with the grace of a hippopotamus and go on a new circle of the same scenario, just with another person.
Nadezhda Efremova
In general, it is important to remember that all people are different and the ways of interacting with a new partner will be different.
The usual tricks and habits will not work with a new person. You do not need to communicate with him in the same way as you are used to talking with your ex-husband or wife. You should not idealize a new partner, try to see a real person with all his advantages and disadvantages.
Oleg Ivanov
6. Don't focus on relationships
Do not make the search for a new love an end in itself. Even if you've done a lot of work on yourself, pursuing a relationship for the sake of a relationship is a weird thing to do.
At first, I generally recommend not to go in cycles in the search for a serious relationship.
