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How to express emotions


How to Express Your Feelings: 30+ Emotional Expression Tips

Aristotle spoke of the pleasures inherent in the cathartic release of tension.

Catharsis has since been used within the mental health field as a way of describing the practice of emotional expression, which is essential for communicating our needs, desires, and emotions (Brackett & Simmons, 2015).

Plus, being able to express one’s emotions is associated with various positive outcomes, such as increased adjustment to stressors (Moreno, Wiley, & Stanton, 2017), greater life satisfaction (Stanton, Kirk, Cameron, & Danoff-Burg, 2000), and increased psychological resilience (Eldeleklioglu & Yildiz, 2020).

This article will delve into the topic of healthy emotional expression, including tips on how to express your emotions, the downside of keeping things in, expression through art and writing, and much more.

With this plethora of resources, readers will be better able to reap the rewards of healthy emotional expression.

In times of joy, all of us wished we possessed a tail we could wag.

W. H. Auden

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Emotional Intelligence Exercises for free. These science-based exercises will enhance your ability to understand and work with your emotions and will also give you the tools to foster the emotional intelligence of your clients, students, or employees.

This Article Contains:

  • Expressing Your Emotions in a Healthy Way: 16 Tips
  • What Happens When You Don’t Express Your Emotions?
  • Expressing Emotions Through Art and Writing
  • 8 Techniques for Expressing Emotions in Relationships
  • PositivePsychology.com’s Helpful Resources
  • A Take-Home Message
  • References

Expressing Your Emotions in a Healthy Way: 16 Tips

While you may understand logically that healthy emotional expression is important, just exactly how to go about it isn’t always straightforward. Fortunately, there are many ways to facilitate healthy emotional expression; here are 18 tips:

1. Use positive self-talk.

We all have an inner dialogue running through our heads, which is sometimes negative and counterproductive. If you have a negative inner dialogue, this is bound to make healthy self-expression difficult (Beck et al., 1979; Ingram & Wisnicki, 1988; Hiçdurmaz et al., 2017). Consider whether the messages in your head are damaging, and if so, work on ways to replace them with positive ones.

2. Be a good listener.

It might be helpful to remember that…

“…we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Epictetus

It is hurtful to feel unheard (Nichols, 2009), so listen to your family, friends, and coworkers and you will be in a far better position to respond with expressions of empathy and understanding.

3. Try spirituality.

Mother Teresa said:

Joy is prayer; joy is strength; joy is love; joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

Mother Teresa

Many others have also found strength in the self-transcendent emotions related to spirituality (Stellar et al., 2017; Haidt, 2003), and if you need an extra nudge in terms of expressing your emotions, it might help you too.

4. Teach emotion words to young children.

Children often lack the language ability to express how they feel. By using tools such as faces conveying different emotions, children will be helped to understand the words for different emotions (Grosse et al., 2021; Streubel et al., 2020).

5. Practice empathy.

Whether among family (Geiger et al., 2016), friends (Goleman, 2006), or coworkers (McKee et al., 2017), practicing empathy creates bonds that enable us to be emotionally in sync with others.

6. Model emotional expression.

Children who see adults healthily express a range of emotions are more likely to follow suit (Corso, 2007). If you are someone who spends time with young people, show them what healthy emotional expression looks like.

7. Forgive.

Elbert Hubbard said:

The ineffable joy of forgiving and being forgiven forms an ecstasy that might well arouse the envy of the gods.

Elbert Hubbard

Whether you have not forgiven yourself or someone else, holding a grudge is the antithesis of expression. If you free yourself from resentment, you will open your heart and mind to positive expression Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2014; Toussaint & Webb, 2005; Karremans et al. 2003).

8. Practice acceptance.

Happiness can exist only in acceptance.

George Orwell

Try to accept those aspects of your life that are out of your control. Doing so will make you feel better while freeing up your mind to become more emotionally expressive (Chapman et al., 2011; Linehan, 2014). For more on that, read our article on Radical Acceptance.

9. Play games with kids that promote emotional expression.

Games are a fun and valuable approach for teaching children how to express themselves. For example, the Emotion Locomotion program for children ages 6–8 uses a train analogy to teach an array of emotions such as anger, sadness, and happiness (McLachlan et al., 2009).

10. Be grateful.

Happiness is itself a kind of gratitude.

Joseph Wood Krutch

It is pretty hard to be unhappy while feeling thankful. Appreciate what you have and you will be better able to express a sense of joy (Emmons & Crumpler, 2000; Emmons & McCullough, 2003; Emmons & Stern, 2013).

11. Don’t postpone happiness – savor the moment.

Many people will not allow themselves to be happy until they reach some sort of milestone (e.g., weight loss, job promotion, etc.). The moment for joy is NOW, and savoring pleasant experiences – big or small – has been associated with higher levels of subjective wellbeing (Smith & Bryant, 2017). Read more about the pursuit of happiness and the benefits of positive emotions.

12. Try something new.

If you are having trouble expressing your feelings, perhaps you are in a rut. Getting out of your comfort zone often leads to greater emotional expression and wellbeing (Heller et al., 2020).

13. Take a risk.

Emotional expression equals risk; it means you are putting yourself in the position of potential rejection. But meaningful conversations and relationships require such risk. So, take a chance and you will be rewarded (Brown, 2015).

14. Be optimistic.

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.

Helen Keller

By focusing on the positive, you will find it easier to express yourself in a range of situations while enjoying the many wonders of life (Seligman, 2006).

15. Do some gardening.

In search of my mother’s garden, I found my own.

Alice Walker

Gardening is like art; there are endless lovely plants and flowers from which to express your creativity. And besides, who knows what you might find within yourself (Lumber et al., 2017)?

16. Practice mindfulness.

Whether in the form of meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises, mindfulness has been found to promote optimism, happiness, positive emotional states, and self-acceptance (Amutio et al., 2015). Each of these outcomes aids in the promotion of emotional expression.

What Happens When You Don’t Express Your Emotions?

Feelings or emotions are the universal language and are to be honored. They are the authentic expression of who you are in your deepest place.

Judith Wright

Keeping things in is indeed a bad idea. While this notion makes intuitive sense, it is also supported by research. Here are 13 notable examples:

  1. Women who suppressed emotions during an experimental study were found to have increased blood pressure (Butler et al., 2003).
  2. In a study of emotion regulation, those who suppressed their feelings experienced less positive and more negative emotions (Gross & John, 2003).
  3. In a study in which participants either expressed or suppressed emotions following a disgusting film, those who suppressed their feelings experienced relatively increased cardiovascular activation (Roberts, Levenson, & Gross, 2008).
  4. In a 12-year prospective study, emotional suppression was related to a significantly greater risk of both cancer and cardiovascular disease mortality (Chapman, Fiscella, Kawachi, Duberstein, & Muennig, 2013).
  5. In a comprehensive meta-analysis by Chervonsky and Hunt (2017), emotion suppression was related to poorer relationship quality, lower social satisfaction, lower social support, more negative first impressions, and lower social wellbeing.
  6. In a preliminary study, adult male participants who suppressed their emotions after watching a distressing film clip experienced greater distress and increased heart rate (Tull, Jakupcak, & Roemer, 2010).
  7. In a study comparing individuals diagnosed with major depression versus healthy controls, suppression of both negative and positive emotions was associated with increased depressive symptoms among depressed individuals (Beblo et al., 2012).
  8. Campbell-Sills, Barlow, Brown, and Hofmann (2006) found that emotion suppression after watching an emotion-provoking film was related to increased negative emotions among individuals suffering from anxiety and mood disorders.
  9. In an experiment in which participants gave a speech in front of a camera, those who suppressed their emotions experienced more anxiety and increased heart rate (Hofmann, Heering, Sawyer, & Asnaani, 2009).
  10. Quartana and Burns (2007) conducted a study in which participants experienced a mental arithmetic task with or without harassment followed by a cold-presser experience (i.e., dipping a person’s hand in very cold water). Those in the suppression group reported greater pain levels.
  11. In their review of the aggression and emotion regulation literature, Roberton, Daffern, and Bucks (2012) reported that under-regulation of emotion was associated with an increased probability of aggression.
  12. In an investigation using a daily diary method to assess positive and negative mood, those who suppressed their emotions experienced higher negative affect and lower positive affect (Brockman, Ciarrochi, Parker, & Kashdan, 2016).
  13. In a study comparing clinically depressed, formerly depressed, and never-depressed participants, all groups were presented with an affective priming task. Among the formerly depressed group, emotion suppression was related to increased depressive symptoms (Joormann & Gotlib, 2010).

Expressing Emotions Through Art and Writing

Wherever the soul is in need, art presents itself as a resourceful healer.

McNiff, 2004, p. 5

Art therapy is often used by mental health practitioners to deal with a range of issues such as coping with trauma, addiction, learning disabilities, and other medical and psychological problems (Malchiodi, 2012).

The general population may also enjoy many mental health benefits, including emotional expression, from engaging in writing, as well as other artistic endeavors. Five ways of using creativity to express oneself are presented below.

1. Writing

Regardless of your skills, writing is an effective way to express emotions and communicate with others. For example, in a study by Barclay and Skarlicki (2009), participants were placed in one of the following four groups:

  1. Writing about emotions
  2. Writing about thoughts
  3. Writing about emotions and thoughts regarding an injustice
  4. Writing about a trivial topic

Those who wrote about their emotions and thoughts were higher in terms of psychological wellbeing and personal resolution than the other groups (Barclay & Skarlicki, 2009).

Similarly, writing about traumatic events has been associated with greater physical and psychological outcomes among both clinical and non-clinical samples (Baikie & Wilhelm, 2005). Along these lines, creating narratives about emotional situations has been linked with a variety of positive psychological outcomes (Niederhoffer & Pennebaker, 2009).

Whether you prefer journaling, storytelling, or some other type of writing, go for it – it is bound to make you feel better.

2. Drawing

Drawing is another fun and easy way to express emotions and embrace happiness. Not surprisingly, research has found that drawing to either express positive emotions or vent stress is related to enhanced mood (Smolarski, Leone, & Robbins, 2015).

3. Clay

Handling clay is another enjoyable activity that has been associated with enhanced mood (Kimport & Robbins, 2012). Often used as a tool in art therapy, clay handling is associated with many positive therapeutic outcomes such as enhanced emotional expression, verbal communication, and catharsis (Sholt & Gavron, 2006).

4. Collages

You may recall gathering magazines and using glue to put together collages during elementary school. However, this fun activity is not just for kids. Indeed, creating collages is a terrific way for people of all ages to express feelings that are difficult to convey verbally (Buchalter, 2011).

Moreover, this activity has been associated with enhanced problem-solving and decision-making skills, communication, and socialization among seniors (Buchalter, 2011).

5. Mandalas

Mandalas are beautiful geometric shapes that may be drawn or colored to promote a sense of calm. Mandalas were first used as a therapeutic tool by Carl Jung (Henderson, Rosen, & Mascaro, 2007) and have since been used by therapists and laypeople alike.

The benefits of creating mandalas are supported by research. For example, drawing mandalas has been related to decreases in trauma-related symptoms among individuals with post-traumatic stress disorder (Henderson et al., 2007).

8 Techniques for Expressing Emotions in Relationships

Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships.

Nonetheless, sometimes individuals need a little help letting their feelings out. Here are eight research-supported ways in which relationships may be improved through the healthy expression of emotions:

1. Mindfulness

Mindfulness involves paying attention to one’s feelings and thoughts in the moment and without judgment (Kabat-Zinn, 2005). Mindfulness meditation has also been used as a way to enhance relationship quality and satisfaction.

For example, Carson, Carson, Gil, and Baucom (2004) conducted a mindfulness meditation retreat with healthy couples. They found that mindfulness was related to a whole host of long-term positive outcomes such as greater closeness, acceptance of each other, optimism, relaxation, relatedness, and relationship happiness.

Given these findings, couples in either healthy or challenging relationships may well benefit from the use of mindfulness techniques as a way to foster emotional connectedness, expression, and overall relationship satisfaction.

2. Expression of negative emotions

All types of relationships inevitably require the expression of negative emotions. When feelings of resentment, frustration, anger, and disappointment are suppressed, they may explode later and cause great damage to relationships.

For example, Graham, Huang, Clark, and Helgeson (2008) looked at the effects of the expression of negative emotions on relationship outcomes among college students. They reported that negative emotional expression was related to greater intimacy, the formation of more relationships, and increased support.

Of course, expressing negative emotions may be hurtful if done thoughtlessly. Therefore, whether relationships are among intimate partners, friendships, or coworkers, take a deep breath before expressing negative feelings and communicate them with tact, empathy, and sensitivity.

3. Use positive psychology activities

O’Connell, O’Shea, and Gallagher (2017) used a longitudinal design to explore the impact of positive psychology activities on relationship satisfaction. More specifically, participants were assigned to a relationship-focused gratitude activity, a relationship-focused kindness activity, a self-focused activity, or a control condition.

Both of the relationship-focused activities were related to significant improvements in relationship satisfaction. By expressing kindness (e.g., giving a compliment, doing a favor, giving a thoughtful gift) or gratitude (e.g., giving praise or thanking someone), the quality of various types of relationships is likely to be improved.

4. Try the Gottman methods

John Gottman and Julie Gottman (2008) have created a range of relationship-enhancing methods that, over three decades of research, have been associated with numerous positive relationship outcomes (Gottman & Gottman, 2008). Here are five of their proven strategies:

  1. Build love maps.
    This involves showing an active interest in a partner’s feelings and needs. The Gottmans suggest using a ‘Love Map Card Deck’ to help express difficult emotions such as confusion and frustration.
  2. Build a culture of appreciation.
    Sometimes individuals feel gratitude for their partner, but forget to say so. This approach involves actively showing appreciation for one’s partner by thanking them, which Gottman describes as “cultivating a positive habit of mind” (Gottman & Gottman, 2008, p. 153).
  3. Turn toward bids.
    The Gottmans describe bids as “verbal or nonverbal requests for connection” (Gottman & Gottman, 2008, p. 153). This basically involves building an emotional bank account by asking one’s partner what they need and responding positively.
  4. Emotion coaching.
    This involves taking a partner’s ‘emotional temperature’ by checking in to see how they are doing.
  5. Building positive affect.
    The Gottmans believe that building positive feelings in relationships promotes intimacy and positive feelings. They suggest prioritizing a number of ‘positive affect systems’ into relationships to promote humor, curiosity, play, comfort, and curiosity.

PositivePsychology.com’s Helpful Resources

At PositivePsychology.com, we offer various useful tools aimed at expressing healthy emotions; here are two examples:

1. Fostering Empathy Reflectively

This tool is designed for social workers but can be a great way to help clients develop the skill of reading each other’s emotional expressions. It involves a few activities and reflection prompts, for example:

  1. Watch an emotional scene in a film or drama between two to four characters.
  2. Now, reflect on how the characters behaved and the feelings they may have experienced.
  3. Write down how you think each character felt.
  4. Write down what you think motivated each character.

This exercise fosters empathy and understanding, which ultimately promote stronger relationships.

2. Emotional Expression Checklist

This tool is designed to promote adaptive emotional expression by helping clients reflect on their context before they express how they feel.

Clients are invited to consider their intended outcomes, the potential impact of expressing themselves on the other person, and how their intentions align with their values.

3. 17 Emotional Intelligence Exercises

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others develop emotional intelligence, this collection contains 17 validated EI tools for practitioners. Use them to help others understand and use their emotions to their advantage.

A Take-Home Message

Gandhi believed that

“happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

Gandhi

Gandhi understood the importance of emotional expression. Consistent with his teachings, the ability to express how we feel is associated with numerous physical, emotional, and psychological benefits.

Therefore, if you find yourself feeling pent up, there is good reason to let those feelings out in a healthy way. And in doing so, you are sure to experience enhanced relationships, serenity, and contentment.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Emotional Intelligence Exercises for free.

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How to Express Your Feelings: 7 Tips

Jump to section

7 basic emotions

How to identify your feelings

Expressing feelings vs. thoughts

10 ways to express your feelings better

What if you don't express your feelings?

Why do I feel bad for expressing my feelings?

Final thoughts: 7 extra tips to improve your emotional intelligence

Have you ever burst into tears at the office or gotten irrationally angry after a small inconvenience? It probably caught you by surprise as much as anyone else. It is disorienting to find yourself in a moment when you don’t know how to express your feelings. 

Think about a volcano: molten rock is trapped inside, pressure builds, until one day, boom — it explodes. Lava flows. Everywhere.

That's what it feels like if you get into a habit of bottling up your emotions until they explode uncontrollably. Uncontrollable eruptions aren't good for you, and they scare or put off others, as well. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to express your feelings in healthy, productive ways, whether in the workplace or with your friends and family. 

Is your stomach in knots just thinking about emotional expression? Expressing emotions forces you to be vulnerable and takes courage. 

Finding constructive ways to express feelings isn't always easy, especially if you didn't have a healthy model in your family growing up. It's also harder if you don't have a strong sense of belonging or acceptance — in your organization or personal life — or if you feel insecure about your job or position.

If you don't feel accepted, every interaction is high-stakes. Expressing any strong emotion or vulnerability might feel risky. It takes lots of self-awareness to pinpoint your feelings and distinguish them from your thoughts. You must also articulate your words carefully. 

Let's begin with naming some of the most basic emotions we feel. Before you can learn how to express your feelings, you need to have the right vocabulary.

7 basic emotions

The first step to expressing your feelings is naming some basic emotions. Humans can feel so many emotions that we get confused about what we're experiencing. Some feelings are disguised as others, like anxiety that looks like anger at first. However, sometimes our feelings are very clear and we just need to find the right word for them. 

In English, there are dozens of words that can describe where we’re at mentally, emotionally, and physically. That can get overwhelming when you’re trying to express your feelings. To help you find the words, we’ve boiled down all these feelings into seven basic negative and positive emotions.

Keep these in mind next time you want to share your emotions with someone:

  1. Enjoyment: You can enjoy things like watching a sunset, partaking in one of your hobbies, or being around people you love.
  2. Sadness: Sadness can creep in when you watch an emotional movie, and reflect on past memories, or missed opportunities.
  3. Fear: Fear can be experienced when you’re scared unexpectedly, or remember past things that have frightened you before.
  4. Anger: Anger can be something that explodes out of your fast, or it’s been bottled up for a while.
  5. Disgust: You can feel disgusted by people’s behavior, food, and even smells.
  6. Surprise: Surprise can cause us to feel other emotions like enjoyment but also anger, and it’s something that’s sudden.
  7. Embarrassment: Everyone is embarrassed by different things, but generally it makes us feel awkward and uncomfortable with our environment.

How to identify your feelings

Listing all of the basic emotions doesn’t mean you can identify them within yourself. It takes time to connect with your personal feelings in an emotional moment. Maybe you can place your feelings afterward, but it’s often too late by then.

One tip to help you identify your feelings is to notice your physical reactions. When you get embarrassed, your cheeks turn red and you can feel your face burning up. If you're afraid or anxious, you could struggle to take deep breaths and calm yourself. Do you feel jittery every time you do a presentation? 

Our feelings are deeply connected to our physical bodies. Researchers have even been able to show exactly where some feelings are mapped in our bodies. No matter how it manifests, make sure you pay attention to what your physical feelings are telling you. 

Over time, you could notice some patterns in how your body reacts. Take note of your recent bodily responses and reflect on them. Reviewing past situations and experiences helps us understand our feelings. 

Don’t get too caught up in the past though. Slowing down and refocusing our attention on the moment can help us identify our feelings more clearly. Learning to do this can’t happen overnight, however. If you need extra support, BetterUp can help. We can guide you towards developing strategies that will help you to be aware of your emotional health.

Expressing feelings versus thoughts

We confuse our thoughts with our feelings all the time. But when it's time to express feelings, we have to make sure we aren't simply expressing our thoughts.

Thoughts are what words are in our head, and combine with our beliefs and values. Thoughts don’t necessarily always have to turn into feelings, and we have the power to control them. We can even train ourselves to think more positively. 

Our feelings are a symptom of our emotions and are a little less controllable. We feel them all throughout our bodies.  They sometimes give us a way through our body language, like the inability to look disappointed if your boss asks you to work late. 

One way to help you differentiate your feelings from your thoughts is to put them into words by using the "I think vs. I feel" rule. Create a sentence: If you say something like "I feel embarrassed," then that's a feeling. You didn't think that you were embarrassed, you felt it.

10 ways to express your feelings better

We all know that expressing our feelings is important. However, that doesn’t mean we feel confident in our ability to do so. Becoming comfortable with expressing ourselves takes time. We can get better at it, however, with a bit of effort and the right strategies in mind.

Here are 10 tips for expressing yourself better: 

  1. Make practicing mindfulness through meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises a habit
  2. Work on being more vulnerable with the people who care about you 
  3. Don’t worry about saying things perfectly the first time — practice makes perfect 
  4. Let your body language help you convey your emotions
  5. Try a new hobby to help yourself be more expressive, especially something creative 
  6. Express your happy feelings too, not just the hard ones 
  7. Play games that help you become comfortable with talking about yourself
  8. Be patient and forgiving with others as they learn to respond to your feelings
  9. Limit distractions like cell phones or music when you're sharing your feelings
  10. Understand and identify what upsets you and makes you not want to express your feelings

What if you don't express your feelings?

Things get messy if you don’t learn how to express your feelings to someone and boil over (like, say, a volcano). Repeatedly avoiding discussions about our feelings negatively impacts our physical and mental health. Plus, it can affect our ability to develop healthy relationships.

A person who does not express their feelings can suffer from high blood pressure and cardiovascular problems. These people feel more stressed because of the emotional labor they experience while holding their emotions in. 

Suppressing emotions isn't good for our wellness and overall well-being, either. Studies have found that people who choose not to express their feelings may experience more negative emotions than positive feelings. They can also experience more anxiety or depression. 

When we don’t healthily express ourselves, there’s a greater chance that we’re isolating ourselves and feeling more lonely. It makes us feel like nobody relates to or understands who we indeed are. Research has found that expressing our emotions plays an important role in our social well-being and how we interact with others around us.

When we express our emotions in a more positive way, our relationships become stronger. In reality, expressing yourself has far more health benefits than worrying over how to do so.

In any relationship, romantic or platonic, we should express ourselves freely. Our partners or loved ones won’t know how we feel or if we’re happy if we don’t share it with them. Nobody can read our minds, so that’s why it’s up to us to continue to express ourselves.

Why do I feel bad for expressing my feelings?

Not everyone is excited to become an open book because it leaves them exposed and vulnerable. Letting people in can be difficult for many reasons. 

A person's upbringing and background influence how they view expressing feelings. A child’s parents might tell them indirectly or directly not to raise their voices or cry when they were upset. This can teach that expressing negative feelings isn’t acceptable. 

As a result, feelings of fear and anxiety can even be associated with expressing even positive feelings like enjoyment. If our families didn’t support strong emotional expression, it can be hard to start sharing your feelings as an adult. 

This is because we carry our childhood lessons into adulthood, including how we deal with our feelings. So, if we've never learned how to deal with our emotions constructively, we'll struggle to express ourselves. 

But overcoming the fear of explaining how we feel is uplifting. Expressing ourselves boosts our self-awareness and confidence. It can also show us that it's healthy to be more authentically ourselves. The weight that is lifted after we express ourselves can even motivate us to pursue our passions and set new goals.

Final thoughts: 7 extra tips to improve your emotional intelligence

In some scenarios, you might be inclined to express how you feel. In others, your first instinct could be to withdraw yourself and hide your emotions. Expressing your feelings takes a level of emotional intelligence that keeps you in tune with yourself and those around you. You must be open, honest, and ready to share your feelings — and listen to others’ feelings, too.

If you're ever feeling overwhelmed, taking a moment to pause and think before you act can help you express yourself more clearly. 

We’ll leave you with seven extra ways you can be more in tune with your feelings and improve your emotional intelligence: 

  1. Try to get in tune with the other person’s feelings so you can choose your words wisely
  2. Accept your feelings rather than deny them
  3. Avoid being judgmental of yourself and others 
  4. Practice how you'd express yourself by journaling your feelings
  5. Be a good listener when people share things with you
  6. Practice positive self-talk and tame your inner critic

It can be helpful to find someone who can keep you accountable when you're working on expressing yourself. If you need help, you can try learning how to express your feelings with one-on-one coaching. It’s no easy task, but BetterUp can provide the accountability you need to strengthen your communication skills and grow personally and professionally.

How to learn to express emotions when you were told to suppress them as a child

Unconditional motherly love is a very important source of happiness and peace. People who did not feel it in childhood often face psychological problems. For example, low self-esteem or inability to show your feelings.

Psychotherapist Jasmine Lee Corey works with adults who have been neglected as children. In the book "Mom's dislike. How to Heal Hidden Wounds from an Unhappy Childhood” she tells how to deal with the consequences of such behavior as a mother. Or at least soften them up. With the permission of the Bombora publishing house, Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from the 13th chapter.

A place in the fabric of life

Most of those who have not experienced a strong connection with their mother also feel a lack of connection with other family members or the family as a whole. This leaves a gap and a feeling that something is missing. We rely on the family to connect us to the world in the broadest sense, giving us a range of things: a safe haven in the storm, a sense of belonging to a group, identity, support. We expect that the family will give us a place where we are known and protected.

If you now have a life partner, children, this can help compensate for the previous separation, but what if you only have your parents' family to which you feel such a weak attachment? What if you don't have a home in the sense of a clan or a family?

I see that some people feel completely lost without the feeling that they are in the family circle.

Although, of course, both the family and the partner are considered an important part of the security system, they are not as essential as we might think.

Our security system and sense of community may change over time. We need to understand that people can constantly move in and out of this system and, most importantly, even a stranger or near stranger can come to our aid.

I heard a touching story from one of my friends. A woman my friend recently met contacted her and asked for help. This woman had recently moved to the area and was about to undergo surgery. She wrote to eight women to see if any of them could help her. She didn't know any of them intimately, and it was embarrassing for her to ask, but she had no one else to turn to. All eight said yes.

People who seem constantly busy and not as attentive as we would like them to be are often responsive to specific needs. In general, people like to be helpful. True, when the period of need stretches for months, they can be weeded out, but this is not necessarily because they do not care. This is because they have other concerns as well.

The fears that I observe in those of us who feel so vulnerable, so insecure, so defenseless without parents or siblings to lean on, are mainly in our childish parts. We are not in danger just because there is no security system around us in the form of a family, if we have the opportunity to turn to people and ask for help, as a woman did in a new place of residence. The more we become rooted in our adult self, the less restless we feel without the environment of relatives.

The nuclear family has become disproportionately important since the broader understanding of the family as a tribe or community has been lost in Western culture. In some cultures the whole village takes over the role of the family, but here we are talking about a very limited number of individuals. Instead of being tied down by dozens or hundreds of threads, we are held together by only half a dozen, or just one or two.

This is not enough to maintain a healthy sense of connection and belonging.

The solution is to build additional links of communication and ownership. We do this in the following main ways:

  • A circle of close friends can serve as a “family of choice”, helping us through difficult times and celebrating with us important moments in our lives.
  • Relationships with groups give us a place in the fabric of life. These can be interest groups, health groups, social groups, or any other. For some, their community is people from the Internet. While the virtual community may be missing some important aspects, it does provide a sense of connection that is valuable to many.
  • Meaningful work (whether volunteer or paid) gives us a place and purpose in life.
  • Connections to places physically anchor us to the planet so that we are not just wanderers or "lost in space". It could be a sense of connection with your home or the area around your home. Many people feel a strong connection to the earth around them.

Navigating the world of emotions

Human beings live in a world filled with emotions, but for many who are deprived of good motherhood, this world is a rather uncomfortable place. The ability to navigate these waters is an important component of successful functioning in this world and the all-round development of a person.

John Bradshaw explains how many are disconnected from the world: “Children who grow up in dysfunctional families are taught to suppress the expression of emotions in three ways: first, they are not reacted to and mirrored, they are literally not seen; second, they lack healthy models for labeling and expressing emotions; and thirdly, they are shamed or punished for expressing their emotions. ” He continues, “The sooner the emotions are suppressed, the deeper the harm.”

When emotions are cut off in this way, it takes a lot of training to become part of the world of emotions. We will have to break the spell of our own "dead face" and become readable. With some emotions, this may be more difficult to achieve than with others. Feelings that our parents had difficulty enduring, usually we will also find it hard to endure. Envy Pride Jealousy Passiveness Confidence Hate

      , which are precisely.
    • Using this list as a starting point, make a list of the emotions you want to add to your emotional palette.
    • Add to the written emotions something that will help you develop it.

    In the same way that we can be active with other shortcomings described in this chapter, we can be active in gaining or regaining emotions that we find difficult to express. For example, in your family, you could not show disappointment, and you noticed that you are still too shy to express it. It may be helpful to choose a trustworthy person, share your frustrations with them, and ask them to rate them. Let him mirror it and bring your frustration back to normal. An example of normalization would be: “Of course it will be difficult! I would be disappointed too!” If you were shamed as a child for showing disappointment, this can be a powerful corrective experience for you.

    Emotional style and caring patterns

    Remember that many neglected people will need to work on getting in touch with their feelings. When the mother did not notice or respond to feelings, we often do not have a strong connection with them ourselves. We may even have learned to turn them off in order to maintain the bond we felt with our mother.

    Our personal style (whether we suppress our feelings or exaggerate them in order to get attention) usually develops in response to our caregiver's style. It seems perfectly justified why children learn to suppress their feelings: caregivers consistently do not care about the child's feelings or punish the child for expressing feelings. Research shows that if caregivers are sometimes empathetic and other times simply oblivious to calling for help, children are more likely to exaggerate their feelings.

    Take time to think about the following.

    • Are you more likely to hide your feelings out of fear of rejection, or are you more inclined to inflate them when you want to get something from another person?
    • If you do both, what feelings (or under what circumstances) do you tend to hide, and when do you actually reinforce them? What do you think will happen if you let your feelings go?

    Accept Your Needs

    As far as our needs are concerned, we tend (at least initially) to adopt the same attitude towards them that our parents had. So, for example, if your mother was intolerant or disrespectful of your needs, chances are you will have a hard time with them too. I remember one moment when I was in therapy myself, and suddenly I spoke quite clearly about what I wanted, and suddenly I felt very ashamed. In the end, I rolled my eyes, as if to say: “ Well, this is too much! » Fortunately, I caught myself on this and regarded it as something that I inherited from my parents. “I’m glad you understood that,” my psychoanalyst told me, “because I don’t feel like that at all.”

    For many of those whose early needs were not met, they are perceived as humiliating and dangerous. Claire informed me that for her to put herself in a position of dependence on another person is like giving him a knife to cut her throat. She associated the feeling of dependence with vulnerability and insecurity on the verge of annihilation.

    This is not easy to overcome. We need to understand that this is no longer dangerous and that there are people willing to meet our needs! But understanding this won't come without a certain amount of risk, because we won't know until we try. Taking that risk can be difficult.

    Beliefs will not change without new data.

    If our needs were ignored as children, we often blame ourselves for having them. This can lead to the belief that we demand a lot or that our needs will scare other people away. This belief is eradicated when we openly report them and they are satisfied.

    It would be nice if you start asking for small things from people with whom you feel safe. In this case, the risk will be less, and you can gradually begin to be more tolerant of vulnerability, as well as accumulate positive experience.

    For people with a self-sufficient attachment style, it will go a long way from "I'll do it myself" to "I'm so happy you helped me." You have to understand that your needs can indeed be the place where other people are sensitive to you.

    Knowing your needs and being able to express them is an important developmental achievement that sustains intimacy, according to Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons, Ph. D., in their book Insecure Love. However, this is only one side of the coin. We must be okay even if our needs are not being met by our partners. As Psaris and Lyons point out, “The earlier our unmet needs come from, the less able we are to maintain a sense of well-being as an adult if that need is not met by another person.” If our addiction needs weren't met in infancy, our minds often shattered at that point. We didn't have the resources or the maturity to "keep our sanity," which means keeping ourselves in check.

    Unbearable soreness and sensitivity to needs goes back to these early traumas.

    Showing off those rough parts of yourself can be difficult, but it's part of the process. We bring into our close relationships everything that we did not work through or complete in childhood. From the point of view of those who see relationships as a path to growth, this is a godsend.

    In order to understand how far you have come along the path of healing, consider the following questions.

    • How do you feel about having needs? Do you see any parallels in this with how your early caregivers treated and responded to your needs?
    • Do you tend to expect others to respond when you need them, or do you feel disadvantaged in this regard?
    • Which of your needs is the most difficult for you to express?
    • If you told about your need, but it was only partially met, can you take it easy? Simply put, are you able to "own" your needs, rather than tossing them around like a hot potato, or completely suppressing them?

    Build the capacity for intimacy

    Intimacy requires emotional openness, seeking to see and be seen, and allowing other people to meet your needs. This will be difficult if you haven't worked through the trauma of insensitive parenting, but it's worth striving for. Despite the pain of disappointment that you have carried within yourself for many years, you also most likely have a longing that is worth using to help you move forward when you stumble.

    The main thing is to understand what you are doing to maintain intimacy. What “attachment behaviors” are part of your repertoire, and how can you reinforce them? Think about the following.

    • Are you able to take comfort in threatening situations or moments of stress? (This is “attachment behavior.”)
    • How do you react when someone asks you for help? Can you let a person need you?
    • Are you able to touch with love? Maintain intimate eye contact?
    • Do you maintain emotional contact during lovemaking?
    • What fears and defense systems pop up when you get really close to a partner?

    One psychotherapist reports that if a couple is able to strengthen their bond of attachment, this helps each partner to self-regulate and solve individual personal problems. For people with a self-sufficient style, the challenge will be to wake up the attachment system, which can then function more normally, as nature intended. Think about what you can do to develop the potential in yourself that creates the opportunity for close relationships.

    "Mom's Dislike" will teach you how to meet the needs of your inner child and tell you how to better understand your own feelings and improve relationships with your mother. And the advice of a psychotherapist will help to avoid mistakes in communicating with your own children.

    Buy the book

    Read also 🧐

    • Why do we increasingly blame our parents for our troubles and what to do about it
    • Why we become like our parents and how to change it
    • What should I do if my parents and I have different views on life?

    Advice for the "tight" and hypersensitive | PSYCHOLOGIES

    163,942

    Man among men Know thyself Loneliness

    A chance meeting with a friend of youth whom we have long lost sight of; emergency situation on the road; speaking in front of an unfamiliar audience; the long-awaited first "mom" or "dad" from the lips of a child - many events daily awaken our emotions. We are embarrassed by them, afraid to look ridiculous from the outside, restrain ourselves and think that we control them. And yet, emotions keep getting the better of us.

    Double standards

    Perhaps the fact is that we grew up in a society where the ability to control one's feelings - "master oneself" - has always been considered a virtue. Self-control, like a vigilant guardian, constantly reminds us: it is indecent to behave too emotionally, it is impossible to openly show our anger, it is necessary to hide our fear, restrain excitement and even joy.

    Any strong emotional reaction may seem inappropriate, funny, even obscene and be perceived as a manifestation of our weakness.

    There are not many exceptions: it is the joy or anxiety experienced by many people at once in certain circumstances. So, it's natural to shout and chant slogans together at a football stadium or empathize together at the TV screen, on which a tsunami wave sweeps away a peaceful beach. But, say, dancing in the office on the occasion of a promotion, to put it mildly, is not accepted - just as it is not customary to openly experience your grief.

    Rigid self-control creates a certain psychological comfort for us: ritualized manifestations of emotions somewhat soften the state of affect (strong short-term emotional experience) and regulate it. But at the same time, self-control is frustrating, creating a dangerous gap between how we feel and how we behave.

    Thanks to emotions, we express our true “I” and become more understandable to other people

    Those who are prevented from living by their own emotionality sometimes try to “drowse” it with the help of a miraculous pill. Many blame their own parents for their, as they think, excessive sensitivity, who raised them “incorrectly”. But both do not know or forget how important the manifestation of emotions is for our lives. Thanks to them, we express our true "I" and become more understandable to other people. In addition, emotions are necessary for our survival.

    In this sense, by suppressing our emotions, we literally put ourselves at risk, because each of them plays its own special role.

    Fear informs us of real or imagined danger. It captures what is significant for our life at the moment. Fear not only receives information, but also gives commands to the body: directs blood to the legs, if you need to run, or to the head, if you need to think. As a rule, fear mobilizes our energy, although sometimes its effect is the opposite: it paralyzes us while we decide what to do in a particular situation.

    's anger is sometimes confused with the violence it can provoke. As a rule, this feeling covers a person when he suspects that he is not taken seriously (and some people live with this feeling all the time). But anger can also be useful: it causes the release of hormones (including adrenaline) into the blood, and they, in turn, provide a powerful burst of energy. And then we feel our strength, we feel courage and self-confidence. In addition, anger tells us that we have reached the point where we can no longer control ourselves - in a sense, it replaces the manifestation of violence.

    Smiling and laughter have a healing effect, strengthening the body's immune defenses. It allows you to “overcome yourself”, adapt to the loss and rediscover the lost meaning of what is happening. In addition, the experience of grief attracts the sympathy and attention of other people - and we feel more secure.

    Joy is the most desired emotion. It is she who releases the maximum amount of energy, stimulating the release of hormones of pleasure. We feel confidence, our own importance, freedom, we feel that we love and are loved. Joy acts like a magnet: it draws others to us and helps us share our feelings. It is also known that smiling and laughing have a healing effect, strengthening the body's immune defenses.

    Reason and feelings

    Another important virtue of emotions is that they make us smarter. For a long time, science in a sense devalued them, placed them below the thinking mind. After all, from the point of view of evolution, emotions were born in the depths of the “prehuman” archaic mind and are closely related to the instinctive behavior of animals. New parts of the cerebral cortex, which, in particular, are responsible for the processes of conscious thinking, appeared much later.

    But today it is known that in its pure form the mind does not exist - it is fed by emotions. The American neurologist Antonio Damasio proved that knowledge that is not accompanied by emotions is fruitless, and an emotionally cold person is not able, for example, to learn from his mistakes. It is interesting that children and adults learn and remember something new only against the background of a positive and sufficiently strong emotional impulse, which, figuratively speaking, opens the door to a new area of ​​neural connections.

    Our personal success depends not so much on IQ, an indicator of intellectual development, but on the emotional quotient (EQ)

    Perception also does not exist without emotions. Every word we perceive, every gesture, smell, taste, image is immediately "interpreted" by our senses. Without emotions, we would turn into automatons and drag out a rather colorless existence.

    Psychologist Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of "emotional intelligence" into scientific circulation. He came to the conclusion that our personal success depends not so much on IQ, an indicator of intellectual development, but on the emotional quotient (EQ).

    Based on experimental data, he proved that in the professional environment, the most successful are not specialists with many diplomas, but those who have valuable human qualities - the ability to analyze their feelings and manage both their own and other people's emotions.

    When such people, for example, ask for help to solve a problem, others readily respond, while "emotionally disabled" (with low EQ) can wait several days for an answer to their request . ..

    The voice of the unconscious

    Emotions tell us the most important information about ourselves or about what we are dealing with, and therefore they should be trusted, listened to and rely on them. At first glance, this existential position seems to contradict the personal experience of many of us: more than once we have been mistaken, following the lead of feelings.

    The greatest German philosopher Max Scheler explained this contradiction by the existence of two types of sensations. On the one hand, there are contact sensations that act like the mechanism of touch.

    When we feel joy, we feel better, we can relax, we worry less, and therefore we are able to experience “more life”. If something upsets or angers us, we almost physically feel that our health and energy are being taken away from us - “part of life”. Contact feelings convey important information about the existential significance of what is happening for my health, my vitality. But such feelings (often coming from childhood) should not be relied upon in making decisions, it is important to be able to remove them, put them out of the brackets.

    Trust in one's emotions can and should be nurtured and trained

    Another kind of sensations are distant ones. They are not directly related to our current state, but they capture something very significant about the other person. This is a well-known intuitive feeling. It is it that prompts us to ask a loved one: “Did something happen to you?” Or orders: “We urgently need to call home!”

    We are not taught to listen to distant feelings, but they allow us to instantly assess the atmosphere in a group of people, to form an impression of an interlocutor or a situation. If you look back at your life, you will surely notice that all the most important and correct decisions in it were made relying on your instincts: rational explanations usually come later.

    Trust in one's emotions can and should be educated and trained. It is only important not to confuse contact feelings, which communicate about us personally, with distant ones, speaking about another person.

    High voltages

    When the power of emotions is too great, our psychological defense mechanisms turn on and we don't feel anything anymore. Depression, apathy, stupor - this is how it looks from the outside, but from the inside, a person simply no longer hurts, as with anesthesia. We transform suppressed ("forgotten") emotions into bodily sensations, erasing the relationship between the emotional experience and what caused it.

    Sometimes emotions take the form of their opposite. Sadness is sometimes expressed in euphoric excitement; joy is in tears; sometimes we can laugh out loud - if only despair does not crush us. Psychological defense mechanisms deplete our mental and physical strength and almost always turn out to be ineffective: at some point, true feelings break through and overwhelm us.

    Those who successfully hide their emotions are also subject to their pressure. You can fake laughter, play anger, lie about your true feelings, but it’s still impossible to pretend forever: sooner or later they will come out. So it's better to be able to accept them for who they are.

    You are short-tempered or hypersensitive, insecure or paralyzed with fear... Try some simple exercises to help harmonize your emotions.

    You are notorious

    You are holding back, not allowing yourself to express either anger or joy... Your behavior has a motive that is not easy for you to recognize. The way out is to “let go” of yourself, to release your feelings.

    Try to express feelings with gestures

    Words are important, but 90% of our emotions are expressed by facial expressions, body. A smile, posture, gestures - even a simple shrug of the shoulders says more about our attitude to what is happening than long speeches ...

    Recognize the existence of emotions

    If a child is afraid of wolves, it is useless to convince him that they are not found in our forests. Accepting his feelings, parents may ask: “What can I do to calm you down?” There is no shame in being afraid, there is no need to be ashamed of fears.

    None of our emotions are dangerous, they are our allies, from whom we should not constantly expect a dirty trick.

    Keep a diary

    It's like sharing your feelings with a friend. Such a written story helps to remember forgotten emotions, to think about them, to develop an attitude towards them.

    You are paralyzed with fear

    The higher the "bets" (that is, the greater the loss if you lose and the greater the reward for winning), the more you panic. You are so afraid of failure that you mentally draw the most catastrophic scenarios, and you give up. The way out is to master your feelings and overcome the "paralysis" of the will.

    Who does the person who fears you look like? Maybe the teacher who tormented you as a child, or the neighbor who wouldn't let you through? Each stressful situation awakens in us the memory of one that we experienced in the past, often in the first six years of life. And the feeling of fear that we could not overcome returns to us again.

    Breathe properly

    Concentrate on your breathing: lengthen your exhalations and shorten your inhalations to neutralize your internal sensations.

    Think about your successes

    For example, how you passed an exam brilliantly or won a tennis set against a friend. By building on past successes and the pleasures associated with them, you can overcome the desire to see catastrophic scenarios of events that have not yet taken place.

    Prepare for the test

    Consider the possible options for the event, determine what you want to achieve in any case, and what you can give in ... This will help you better control your emotions.

    Look at the interlocutor, but not directly into the eyes, but at the point between them

    You will be able to focus on what you say, and not on what you read in his eyes ...

    You are quick-tempered

    The way out is to learn to own their feelings and manage a conflict situation.

    Do not accumulate claims

    The more you accumulate them in yourself, the more you risk breaking loose. By speaking out about your grievances, you are helping yourself avoid outbursts of unbridled anger.

    Learn to express feelings clearly

    Name a feeling that is bothering you. Without complaining or blaming, say openly: "I'm having problems at work, I'm stressed out and don't know what to do."

    Pause

    The brain needs time to make a decision and take control of the situation. Relax the solar plexus: inhaling deeply, hold your breath for a few seconds, exhale and wait before inhaling again. From time to time close your eyes for 2-3 seconds: turning off visual signals reduces tension.

    The American psychotherapist Chaim Ginott advises to build his statements according to the scheme: "When you did X, I felt Y, and at that moment I wanted you to do Z." For example: “When you reproached me for being late, I felt guilty. It would be better if you hugged me instead of scolding me.

    Lend a helping hand

    Before you respond with aggression to aggression, ask the “aggressor”: “Is something wrong with you?” Or offer him a truce: "I'm starting to get nervous, let's take a break, cool down. "

    You are hypersensitive.

    You are sensitive to both criticism and compliments. The way out is to establish a balanced relationship with people.

    Don't focus on yourself

    You worry too much about what others think of you. Try to step away from yourself a little and show empathy (empathy). Learn to put yourself in the other person's shoes. What is he thinking about? What is going through? This change of perspective helps to change the strategy of the relationship.

    Do not strive to be loved by everyone

    Sometimes it is worth taking a risk and agreeing that your actions will not please someone, and someone will make life difficult. It is impossible to avoid manifestations of rivalry, antipathy, incompatibility of characters. The more clearly you realize this, the easier it will be for you to accept it, and the harder it will be for others to deceive you.

    Try to find "trigger" situations

    Make a list of situations in which you are especially vulnerable and words that provoke your inappropriate behavior.

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