How to find polyamorous partners

I've learned that avoiding conflict is fraught with getting stuck in my comfort zone. Attacks from both sides at once did a good job: firstly, I stopped avoiding quarrels and disputes, and secondly, I try to keep my promises.

Now I have a conflict schema. First you need to push the opponent to voice their claims. Each side has a say. The likelihood that it will be through a scream is directly proportional to the accumulated negativity (that's why I try not to bring myself up). When the heat of passion subsides, you need to offer solutions to the problem that can be done right now, today and in the long term. And at the end, add honey and list all the good things that are in your relationship. nine0003

There were two big problems in my polyamorous relationship. First, since it was a new experience for me, I rushed between the guys, continuing to choose from two options by inertia. Secondly, it was important for me to divide attention between Peter and Artem 50/50 without concessions. It shattered the nerves the most. The condition was similar to what people with obsessive-compulsive disorder experience if they did not turn the lights on and off exactly 12 times. I kept a constant score, gave grades, compared and was afraid to miss something. nine0003

There was a distance between me and Artyom (we lived in different countries). And with Peter there was no intimacy that I need to trust a person. When I was attracted to one, I deprived the other of attention.

At some point, I started to set reminders to "write P. " and "Call A." Time management helped at first, but the feeling that now everything would collapse tormented me permanently.

Everything has always been imperfect.

This is what caused the destruction of our V-shaped triad. And also the fact that Peter never stopped defending himself from me with his silence. I understood that it is difficult to trust a woman who at any moment can pack her suitcase and fly to the sea with another, especially if you are used to living in a monogamous paradigm. But I didn't want to try to get him out of my shell anymore. nine0003

Artyom and I were left alone, returned to a monogamous state. At first, it was unusual for neither me nor him: 100% of my attention was focused only on him. But then I started to enjoy traditional relationships again. It's so simple! Therefore, when the prospect of a trinity loomed, I retreated: I wanted to heal my nerves, and not rush into a new pool.

In the process of recovery, I decided to upgrade the skill of the correct distribution of time. HRs advise working out a balance between work and personal life so that one day you don’t burn out to the point of depression. So I set a clear boundary between home and office, in the hope that if I could organize these areas of my life when new lovers appeared, it would be easier for me. So I learned to prioritize, stopped criticizing myself for imperfection, and if before I couldn’t rest until all things were ticked off, now I give myself indulgences without a twinge of conscience. nine0003

My polyamory started in an open group with the only rule - everyone is free and honest with each other. But in this format, I felt anxiety every day. Neither meditation, nor sedatives, nor workaholism saved me. When our trio broke up, it became easier for me. And real peace came when I set limits in relations with Artem.

We have agreed that we will be the main partners for each other. nine0003

Each of us can date other people, but if one becomes uncomfortable with the behavior of the other, he will stop it for the good of the relationship. Our contract is not signed in blood, which means that it can be revised when the conditions become too "close" for both.

I fall in love every two or three months, but they feel different. When I fell in love, being a loner, I experienced euphoria and was constantly tormented by doubts: are my feelings reciprocated, are they of the same strength and what to do if not? Now that I have a loved one, all anxiety has evaporated - only a concentrated high remains. Even if the stranger does not respond to me with the same feeling, I continue to feed on energy from my emotions towards him, transfer joy to my relationship with Artem or to work. If the feelings are mutual, even better - then there is twice as much strength for everyone. True, such relationships quickly end, because the guys start to win me back from Artem, but I don’t need it. We say goodbye to them. And when you have support, it's easier to do it. nine0003

Increased responsibility for the feelings of two important people at once turned into an awareness of freedom. Monogamy is a simple system for managing and distributing resources, in which trust is backed up by an alleged no-sex pact with a third party. But can I again fit myself into social norms if I have already gone beyond these limits? I can trust a partner only if he accepts all my desires and feelings. Once having tried on jeans in size, you no longer want to squeeze into those that make your waist narrower. nine0003

Polyamory as a form of relationship. Reflections in the context of psychotherapy

Year of publication and journal number:

2017, No. 2

Annotation

The article discusses the phenomenon of polyamory, reviews modern scientific research on this topic, describes the ethical and psychological aspects of the phenomenon, discusses the features of psychotherapy for clients who have chosen a polyamorous lifestyle. nine0003

Key words: polyamory, polyamory, polyamorous lifestyle, psychotherapy, forms of intimacy.

At the end of August this year, the second conference “Non-Monogamies and Contemporary Intimacies” was held in Vienna, organized by the University of Vienna. Sigmund Freud (SFU) and dedicated to the issue of polyamory. There, with a report on the psychotherapeutic view of this issue (namely, from the point of view of Gestalt therapy), my colleague Dr. Arthur Dombrovsky, who subsequently, drawing attention to the extremely narrowly presented material, inspired the study of this topic and the writing of an article. nine0003

Polyamory (or polyamory) (ancient Greek πολύς - numerous and lat. a mor - love) is a system of ethical views on love, which allows the existence of multiple love relationships between one person and several people at the same time, with the consent of all participants in these relations. Contrasted with monogamy, where partners negotiate "romantic exclusivity" for each other, but also infidelity, where one partner has a relationship with another person without the partner's consent (Hymer and Rubin, 1982).

Most polyamory supporters hold the view that the need for intimacy and love varies from person to person, and the condition of sexual and emotional exclusivity is not necessary for a viable long-term emotionally significant relationship. In particular, they recognize the natural (regardless of gender) desire of a person to have several love relationships at the same time and allow the possibility of maintaining such on the basis of trust, respect and a responsible approach, without creating ethical and emotional conflicts. nine0003

The presence of love relationships, and even more so of several, is not a necessary condition for polyamory as a way of life. According to Deborah Anapol (Anapol, 2012), polyamory is primarily a discursive practice of awareness, ethical experience and pronunciation of love as the main meaning-forming characteristic of human existence, while sexuality is the most important, but far from the only component of polyamorous identity. At various times in their life, a polyamorous person may be in a monogamous love relationship or have no love relationship at all. In this regard, it would be more correct to speak not of a polyamorous lifestyle, but of a polyamorous worldview (Hymer and Rubin, 1982; Anapol, 2012).

The fact that monogamy appears as a doctrine, a prescription for how to live and how to love (Conley, Moors et al., 2013; Moors, Matsick, et al., 2013), is hardly in doubt, in essence, this form of relationship appears to be the only socially approved form of intimacy, and, like any axiom, prevents a person from independently exploring and mastering himself, his need for contact with others, the desired form of manifestation of love. The author of the article does not in any way oppose monogamy, but suggests, having somewhat delved into the topic, referring to the research and personal experience of people leading a polyamorous lifestyle, for example, described in the work of Elizabeth Shef (Sheff, 2015), who collected a collection of stories from people who living in polyamorous families, to think freely, avoiding cliches, assessments and upholding norms, remaining in this case on a humanistic position, insisting on the right of the individual to be free from social pressure. nine0003

“At first I thought that polyamory is a sign of a consumer society: a person wants to have everything that he finds attractive. But now I am sure that monogamy is unnatural. The Bible, religion, and conservatism, especially in the last few centuries, have shaped our approach to relationships and forced people around the world into a single path. I don't believe in him - it's important to explore what you're really disposed towards. As time goes by, I'm testing the theory of the relationship we're in right now. And I understand that if you love a person as much as I do Rebecca, and at the same time you can still have feelings for others, then polyamory is a healthy path. People who crave to consume others will not be stopped by anything, including monogamy: they will deceive themselves and their partners. (from Anya Sakharova's blog, Love Pentagon: How I Lived with American Polyamors, 2016)

The psychotherapeutic position implies tolerance and the ability to accept, however, in some cases, the conflict between the professional and personal position may be a difficulty for the psychotherapist as a person and psychotherapy as a process, when professional values ​​run counter to personal ones. The value of human relationships and romantic love can affect not only the substantive aspect, but also the formal one. In other words, the value of family relationships for an individual may imply a certain unique form of such, for example, monogamy, which, as already mentioned above, despite cultural and social changes, in most cases remains the only form of relationship approved by society. The society puts forward rigid norms around gender sexuality, as well as around monogamy, where monogamy appears in the public mind as the only “natural” and “healthy” style of relationship (Conley, Moors, et al., 2013; Moors, Matsick, et al., 2013) . nine0003

Despite the demographic prevalence of polyamory, therapists are poorly educated about the lives and needs of polyamorous people, and most textbooks and pamphlets on psychology and psychotherapy do not mention this form of relationship. Among the few works on psychotherapy for psychoamorous clients are the earliest by Hymer and Rubin (1982), Weitzman (2006), and Labriola (2013). In Russian, we find only a few scattered studies on this issue, mostly of an ethical nature. So, one of the authors who had the courage to raise the topic of polyamory back in the Soviet period was Yuri Ryurikov, a critic, sociologist, philosopher, who published several monographs on love (in 90-x published his book "Treason and divorce, triangles and quartets"). In his works, Rurikov comes to the conclusion that a person is non-monogamous by nature and can love more than one person, which is reflected in the cultural heritage, in particular mythology, poetry, literature, where "love is full of violent abundance." In the book "Three Attractions" (1967), the author draws attention to the fact that the craving for the infinity of love is reflected in many poets of Antiquity. The motto for all of them could be the words of Virgil from the Aeneid: “Give handfuls of lilies”, and in love itself everything was natural and not forbidden. (Rurikov, 1967: p. 21). However, despite the many mythological and literary plots (myths about the Greek gods: Zeus, Poseidon, Aphrodite, the thirteenth feat of Hercules, etc. ), reflecting polyamory as an idea and as a form of relationships with other people, scientific studies, including Western ones, are presented rather narrowly (which, in the author’s opinion, is connected not only with the avoidance of discussing this topic, but with the complexity of the sample organization: since polyamory basically exists outside social norms and social legalization, many people, in an effort to avoid discrimination, hide the features of their private life). Nevertheless, certain studies can be found. In them we find both an indication of the rather wide distribution of this phenomenon, as well as a description of the connection between polyamory and certain other factors. According to Manley et al. (Manley, Diamond, van Anders, 2015), at least 265 polyamory groups exist in 158 countries. It should be noted that, as a rule, polyamory is studied on a sample of sexual minorities and in the context of their sexual orientation (including changes in its forms over time (sexual fluidity), while the empirical material of polyamory of heterosexual people is not actually presented, being transformed at the level of the idea itself into the theme of infidelity and adultery.

Researchers focus on the relationship between polyamory and sexual fluidity (Chivers, 2005; Diamond, 2012; Manley, Diamond, van Anders, 2015), polyamory, and individual characteristics of sexual desire (Diamond & Savin-Williams, 2000 ; Lippa, 2006), influences of intimate relationships and social context (Diamond & Savin-Williams, 2000; Rust, 1993). According to Manley, Diamond, and van Anders (2015), consensual non-monogamous relationships provide enhanced opportunities for the formation of intimate relationships in a person's life, which, starting as close friendships, may involve sexuality, since it is natural for emotional intimacy itself to manifest itself through physical contact (Diamond, 2008 ; Morgan & Thompson, 2006; Thompson, 2006). In addition, several studies have been conducted to date focusing on social labels and stereotypes about non-monogamous relationships (Conley, Moors, et al., 2013; Conley, Ziegler, et al., 2013; Moors et al., 2013), as well as the development phenomenology and the language of polyamory (Barker, 2005; Ritchie & Barker, 2006). nine0003

Most often, polyamory is considered as a pathological form, just like adultery, understood primarily as a symptom of inharmonious relationships in a couple, associated with dissatisfaction with needs or a neurotic state of the individual. In his study, Knapp (1975) found that 33% of the therapists he interviewed believed that people in open relationships had personality disorders or neurotic tendencies. 9-17% of them tried to influence the return of such clients to a monogamous lifestyle. Knapp (19)75) also notes that it was people who were in open relationships that were more pathologized, in the opinion of therapists, and not those who had secret extramarital affairs. These data are supported by the results of studies by Rubin and Adams (1978, quoted in Hymer and Rubin, 1982), according to which 27% of interviewed polyamorous people who had experience in psychotherapy indicated that therapists did not support their lifestyle. Similarly, Page (2004) notes that many of the bisexual and/or polyamorous participants in the study had difficulty finding therapists who were loyal to their sexuality and preferred form of relationship. nine0003

According to Weitzman (2006), even those psychotherapists who appear to be open-minded often find it difficult to work with psychoamorous clients due to a lack of awareness and knowledge. And if in large cities (here we are primarily talking about the United States) it is possible to find competent specialists in this issue in the list of specialists, then in small towns and regions this is almost impossible (Weitzman, 2006).

In contrast to the therapist's view of polyamory, many studies demonstrate the viability of non-monogamous relationships. A study of polyamorous couples in the Netherlands showed normal levels of marital satisfaction and self-esteem (Buunk, 1980, adapted from Geri Weitzman, 2006). Two-thirds of those surveyed by Knapp (1976) reported that their satisfaction with marriage increased after entering a polyamorous lifestyle. Rubin (1982), comparing the level of well-being in monogamous and polyamorous unions, did not reveal any significant differences. Conley and co-authors (Conley, Ziegler, et al., 2013), as well as (Manley, Diamond, van Anders, 2015) write about the same, who did not find scientific confirmation that a monogamous or, on the contrary, polyamorous style of relationships brings more emotional satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. nine0003

Studies of human sexuality in 48 countries showed that almost half of women and most of men expected to have more than one sexual partner in the next 5 years (Schmitt, 2005). A comprehensive government survey of society's attitudes, behavior patterns and relationships conducted in Finland in 1992 (age 18-75, about 50% of both sexes) showed that about 200 out of 2250 (8.9%) respondents "agree or really agree" with statement "I could have multiple sexual relationships at the same time" and 8.2% indicated in the field "lifestyle that suits best" at the current life stage could include more than one permanent partner. On the other hand, when asked about other ongoing relationships at the same time, about 17% indicated that they had other partners during the ongoing relationship (50% no, 17% yes, 33% refused to answer). (Paper prepared for the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality Western Regional Conference April 2002 and available online in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality Issue 5 April 16, 2002). According to Newsweek statistics for 2014, more than 500 thousand people in the United States live in open polyamorous families, mostly people from 30-50 years old, 40% of whom are with higher education. Society and legal institutions do not support them. In Russia, about 24% of marriages end due to the infidelity of one of the partners (according to government statistics). According to a study by Spring (1997), about a third of monogamous relationships are not actually monogamous, due to the presence of adultery (Spring, 1997).

Despite what has been said above, approaches to relationship psychotherapy, as a rule, continue to be based on the idea that a couple (primarily a man and a woman) and a monogamous form of relationship is the only norm. To what extent are psychologists and psychotherapists working with the family system ready to work with polyamory in an unbiased way, to what extent do specialists actually have the resource of acceptance, as well as sufficient competence, how conservative does the professional community remain? nine0003

Some specialists refuse to label cheating as a negative practice for the family. For example, family consultant Cathy Labriola (Labriola, 2013) proposes to define “cheating” as a different format of relationships that are already legitimate in their possibility of occurrence and prevalence in modern society. Free change of partners, according to Labriola (Labriola, 2013) , , is a conscious choice subject to ethical justification, and not deviation and violation of morality. We find a similar view with Deborah Anapol (Anapol, 2012), who in her book Polyamory in the 21st century: Love and intimacy with multiple partners draws attention to on the non-alternative conditionality of the intimate sphere by social, economic and cultural monogamous standards alien to it. According to Anapol, people don't resist because they either don't see an alternative or push it into the shadows. “Polyamory is natural and widespread in society, but as an institution of infidelity, office romances, repressed desires and languid memories of a happy youth, where monogamous requirements are reduced or reduced to a minimum. The question is not whether or not simultaneous love for many and acceptance of love for other partners is possible or not, but how to describe the already held, realized opportunity to overcome norms that block any reflexivity regarding one's own sexual identity” (Anapol, 2012). In this regard, a promising task is to remove the topic of polyamory from the field of "pathology", but consider it from the point of view of human nature as such. nine0003

Benefits of a polyamorous relationship

In a study (Page, 2004) conducted among 217 bisexual adults, 33% of them were in a polyamorous relationship, and 54% of 217 respondents indicated that a polyamorous lifestyle was their ideal relationship model. Some choose polyamory simply because they like to have the freedom to date whoever they choose (Sumpter, 1991). Others find that the lifestyle suits them because it allows them to express their sexuality with lovers from more than one gender group. But in any case, counselors and therapists, especially those working with bisexual clients, should be aware that some of them will be polyamorous (Weitzman, 2006). nine0003

Polyamory reveals certain benefits, of which, in the most general terms, three can be distinguished: greater sexual satisfaction, personal growth and development (this includes better awareness of one's own needs, more trust and courage, more opportunities to share with others), more active and emotional rich life (Knapp, 1976; Kassoff, 1989; Rust, 1993). Dixon (1985, cited in Weitzman, 2006) found that polyamorous people feel less possessive from their partners and also compete less with those who might seem attractive to a partner. Some polyamorous people have shared that they feel joy when their partner experiences feelings of closeness with another person (Keener, 2004; Polyamory Society, 1997 quoted after Weitzman, 2006). Research by Keener (2004) showed a high level of trust and a low level of anxiety about possible cheating by partners in a polyamorous relationship, since decisions about this form of relationship were made by all parties freely and on their own.

Polyamorous Relationship Difficulties and Psychotherapeutic Challenges

Most polyamorous people seek therapy for reasons unrelated to polyamory. In fact, they deal with typical difficulties - restlessness, anxiety, lack of self-control, etc. (Weitzman, 2006). At the same time, the task of the psychotherapist is to be open-minded, have a broad outlook and sufficient freedom to accept that the client's polyamorous lifestyle can be natural, viable and favorable for him, unless, of course, there are specific signs indicating the opposite. Often, polyamorous people are happy with their lifestyle, but are looking for a way to implement it more naturally and smoothly. On this occasion, Gary Weitzman (Weitzman, 2006) writes that the role of the therapist is to help polyamorous clients to recognize and articulate their needs, if necessary, help to agree with a partner about their relationship, characterizing their rules and form (which is also necessary in working with any other couple or family system). nine0003

However, it is also possible to single out the most typical psychological difficulties faced by polyamorous people, and, accordingly, psychotherapeutic tasks in overcoming them.

• Difficulties associated with identity. The development of a polyamorous identity occurs in stages, where each phase, with potential difficulties, can be accompanied by work with a psychotherapist. According to Weitzman (2006), the first stage in the formation of personal identity is the expansion of the boundaries of the self, along with the manifestation of interest in a polyamorous lifestyle, as well as the experience of conflict between individual needs and the mainstream of society. Sometimes a person feels polyamorous before they meet other polyamorous people, experiencing an acute painful feeling of loneliness, their own otherness, shame and fear of judgment. At this stage, supporting the therapist, informing about the polyamorous subculture, and helping to find social polyamorous groups appear to be the most important tasks (Weitzman, 2006). nine0250
• Self-disclosure and presentation of one's polyamory to an existing partner . Awareness of one's polyamory sometimes occurs against the background of existing monogamous relationships. In this case, the second stage of living one's own identity is self-disclosure to a partner, which is accompanied by the risk of being condemned and rejected. Here, the goals of individual therapy are to help with the client's feelings (shame, anxiety, guilt) and support in the event of separation from a partner (living through pain and grief) (Weitzman, 2006). However, at this stage, it is possible and effective to work with a couple, allowing you to understand and accept each other, go through doubts, confusion, fears, find a new form of relationship or, if polyamorous relationships are impossible for one of the partners, go through parting. In the experience of Weitzman (2006), some partners are willing to learn more about polyamory even if they are not sure that polyamory suits them as a lifestyle. nine0250
• Mutual interest of an existing partner in polyamory and the formation of a new form of relationship with him. Sometimes the partner is also interested in a polyamorous lifestyle, in which case the relationship is formed in a new way, accompanied by negotiations. In fact, this stage occurs every time a new relationship is established. At this stage, each participant voices his wishes and expectations, determines the desired boundaries, which can unfold against the backdrop of a clash of interests and views. The therapist in this case helps clients to speak openly, seek ways of cooperation and compromise, formulate rules regarding what is acceptable in their relationship and what is not (Weitzman, 2006). nine0250
• Inclusion of a new partner in an existing relationship. Not all polyamorous couples complete this step. Some agree on the possibility of sexual relations with another partner, while the family remains the same - two adults. However, sometimes love relationships involve three, four or more people at the same time who decide to live together. This type of communication, accordingly, brings new difficulties. A restructuring is taking place, again requiring discussion, but now with a large number of participants. The questions that are raised concern both psychological aspects and everyday ones (division of space, features of joint sleep, financial issues, etc. ) (Weitzman, 2006). nine0250
• Jealousy. Jealousy is often unavoidable in love relationships and, according to Cathy Labriola (2013), it is the main negative experience associated with open relationships. On the one hand, polyamory opens up new opportunities for building trust and overcoming jealousy (Ramy, 1975; Keener, 2004), on the other hand, including several people in close relationships can create competition between them. The problem of jealousy and differentiation (as the ability to distinguish uniqueness and appreciate all connections) can be especially acute when new relationships arise. Due to novelty, secondary (new) relationships can be experienced more vividly, cause more intense feelings compared to previously formed ones, and, as Gary Weitzman (Weitzman, 2006) notes, people who are just starting to lead a polyamorous lifestyle often have doubts and assumptions that the second partner is the best option. In this case, they can devalue the main (first) partner, stepping back or making hasty conclusions. It is important for the psychotherapist to maintain a realistic position, and when working with a couple (three) to help explore the nature and dynamics of feelings, to keep the focus on each of the participants in the relationship (Weitzman, 2006). nine0250
• Blurring of rules and boundaries. In a polyamorous relationship, rules and boundaries are the most important security factors for the participants in this relationship. Based on this, one of the tasks of psychotherapy may be the clarification and formulation of those, the correlation of the accepted rules with the personal needs of each of the participants in such relationships, respect and preservation of their own personal boundaries.
• The end of a polyamorous relationship. Polyamorous relationships end for a number of reasons. Most often they end for the same reasons that monogamous relationships end (Ramey, 1975; Rubin and Adams, 1986) - inconsistency or conflict of needs, fading feelings, disappointment. But partners in polyamorous relationships often need extra support, as they may experience feelings of shame and disgrace, experiences of not being able to work with the form of relationship that they have put so much effort into. Weitzman (2006) points out that often polyamorous people, by standing out in a monogamous environment, attract more attention to themselves, and their personal failure can be used as evidence that polyamory in general is not viable. That being said, when monogamous relationships end, they are generally not interpreted in this way (that monogamy is not a viable lifestyle). The therapist can help the client see this double standard, find the strength and confidence to defend themselves against possible attacks. In this case, the possibility of changing lifestyles can be subjects of discussion in psychotherapy. nine0250
• Public morality about monogamy and shame. At the beginning of this article, the issue of social loyalty and the possibility of accepting that monogamy is not the only form of relationship were discussed in detail. Inflexibility and condemnation from the outside, both by society as a whole and by specific acquaintances, contribute to the formation of a sense of fear of rejection, shame and guilt. The development of will, social courage, and the ability to make independent decisions are important tasks in psychotherapeutic work with polyamorous clients. nine0250
• Expressed internal conflict. Conflict with society, opposition to an imposed model, and the need for emotional inclusion in several relationships at once can provoke an internal conflict (which, in particular, can be described through the conflict between the id and the super-ego, the internal parent and child, the desired and the proper). Therefore, it is important for the therapist to be ready to work with deep inner conflict.

Revealing its advantages and carrying potential difficulties, the polyamorous lifestyle requires personal resources determined by characteristics. So K.T. Hatzler (cited in Moors, Matsick, Schechinger, 2017), who studied the qualities inherent in monogamous and polygamous people, determined that polyamorous people are usually characterized by sociability, extroversion, and physical attractiveness. In addition, based on the review of studies, it can be assumed that such qualities as the ability to negotiate, the ability to differentiate relationships, the willingness to resist public opinion, nonconformity, social courage, and emotional competence are of great importance for the implementation of polyamorous relationships. In his TED talk, Kel Walters talks about polyamory and emotional literacy as related phenomena. “It seems absurd to us if, with the advent of a new friend in life, we say “bye” to existing old friends or with the birth of a younger brother or sister we cut out our elders from our lives, but this does not apply to romantic relationships.” The idea of ​​polyamory is reflected in the metaphor of a burning candle, from which you can light many other candles, while the fire will not decrease. Society agrees with this definition of love, but only as long as it is about platonic love. Are we ready to look at this issue with an open mind? Are we ready, as counselors and psychotherapists, to fully accept the otherness of the other? nine0003

Polyamory as a form of relationship.