How to feel closer in a relationship
6 Ways To Grow Closer To Your Partner | Articles | Blog | Better Marriages | Educating Couples
Posted in Articles, Communication, Growth, marriage advice, marriage help, marriage tips, relationship advice, relationship help, relationship tips, Romance, Sex and Intimacy, Tips by Priscilla Hunt on May 26, 2020
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As time goes on and you and your partner have been together for what feels like an eternity, you may begin to find that you start to feel a bit distant. This is completely normal and could happen for a variety of reasons like your kids going off to college, reaching retirement, or even just spending too much time together. If you’ve started to notice a recent gap between you and your partner and want to bring back the closeness you felt at the beginning of your relationship, then keep reading for ways to grow close again.
1. Communicate and Listen to Them
While communication is one of the most well-known tactics to use when building and maintaining any successful relationship, it’s also one of the most underutilized tools. As humans, we naturally feel hesitant to discuss our emotions and feelings since it’s commonly seen as weak to do so. However, not discussing how we feel or failing to bring light to something that may be bothering us will only lead to more problems down the line. This is why it is crucial to keep open and honest communication in any marriage or relationship.
If you feel uncomfortable mentioning something to your partner, start off slow. Plan times where the two of you can engage in meaningful conversations, like over coffee in the morning or during an evening stroll around your neighborhood. Make it a point to ask about more than just how their day was. Ask your partner if you can do anything for them to make their day better or if they have a fun story to share. On the other hand, make sure you’re listening deeply to what they have to say to better understand where they are coming from. It can be tricky to know what to say sometimes, so don’t be afraid to use a reconnection journal to spark up a conversation.
With a little work, you’ll be back to comfortably talking with your partner about anything and everything.
2. Show Interest in Their Hobbies and Passions
It’s possible that while you and your partner were growing distant from each other that you found hobbies that the other doesn’t know much about. Share your passions with one another by extending an invitation to join and learn about the activities you both enjoy. Maybe it’s going to a sporting event or crafting with a scrapbooking machine. Whatever your hobbies and passions may be, take the time to learn about how your partner spends their time. This is also a great way to treat them to a meaningful and personalized gift. Show them a little extra love and give them something you know that they will enjoy.
3. Plan Things to Look Forward To
Sometimes a change of scenery and a new environment can work wonders for bringing people closer together. Sit down with your significant other and make a list of places you want to visit or things you want to experience together.
Then make plans to cross off as many of those things that you can. Start small and work your way down the list. If you need to save money for any of the items on the list, then strategize how you will get there together. Making plans and events to look forward to will not only require you to spend time together while planning but will also allow you to make new memories that will last a lifetime.
4. Start Dating Again
When was the last time you got all dressed up to go out on a date with your partner? For most couples, they stop doing all of the little things that they once did at the beginning of their relationship. Bring back the nostalgia and relive your early years by going to some of the places you went to on your first few dates. You could also recreate these memories at home by turning your living room into a date night theme. It’s fun to look back on all of the fun you had in the early years and to reminisce. However, there’s no reason why you can’t start dating again to revive the excitement in your relationship!
5.
Bring Back the RomanceIf you decide to start dating again, be sure to bring back all of the romance. Physical affection can be one of the best ways to bring couples closer together. Intimacy has proven to increase happiness, so take advantage of getting intimate again. Treat yourself to some new bed sheets or lingerie. Sometimes sexual difficulties can occur as we age though, so be sure you’re prepared in advance. If you’re experiencing a low libido, make sure that you’re getting enough rest and try meditating to relieve any stress you may be experiencing.
For other sexual difficulties, like erectile dysfunction, speak with a sex therapist or primary care doctor for any specific concerns you may have. Sometimes all couples need is the encouragement and confidence to get back in the bedroom to remind them of how much they love each other.
6. Get Outside Support
If you’ve already tried all of these things on the list and you still feel a loss of a connection with your partner, then try relationship counseling or coaching.
Having a professional in the equation to help uncover any underlying problems can oftentimes do the trick. There’s nothing wrong with counseling, and in fact, more couples should utilize this service. Having the perspective of an unbiased third party can work wonders and help bring you and your partner closer.
Although there could be many reasons why you and your significant other have grown apart, working together and putting in the effort to fix the distance will bring you closer together. It’s important that both people are committed to strengthening the relationship and partnering to be more connected. Follow these tips to have a stronger and lasting relationship!
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Five Things You Can Do Today to Feel Closer to Your Partner
Five Things You Can Do Today to Feel Closer to Your Partner
Critical Inner Voice and Intimacy, Fantasy Bond, Love, Relationship Advice, Relationship Problems, Relationships, The Fantasy Bond By Lisa Firestone, Ph.
D.
Relationships are full of ups and downs, but they can also have long lulls in which you just don’t feel the same level of intimacy or excitement with your partner. I’ve written a lot about the reasons you may start to lose that lit-up feeling of being in love as well as the ways you can use your own power to get it back. Here, I share with you five tangible actions you can take today to change your half of the dynamic and shift your relationship. These steps can reconnect you to your own warm, loving feelings and bring you closer to your partner.
1) Be bold. Take some time to reflect on what would really make you happy in your relationship. People tend to get tangled up in all the things that aren’t working for them, rather than thinking about what would. Ask yourself what you want to happen between you and your partner? Do you want it to be exciting? Affectionate? Romantic? Less routine? It’s better to make your intentions more about a general feeling between you two than a specific course of events, because when you get too attached to a single idea, you can set yourself up for disappointment, and you don’t allow a space for closeness to naturally flow.
Think of the actual things you’d like to happen and the actions that would need to take place to facilitate what you want. It may be easy to think of what you’d want your partner to do, but what about you? What is something you could do that would be a pronounced step in the direction you want things to go in? Don’t be afraid to go big or be bold. People often think they’re expressing more than they are and then feel hurt when their partner hasn’t caught on or responded. They may play it safe and resist really putting themselves out there, because they fear that they’ll feel foolish or be let down. Yet, we have to be willing to let our guard down and be vulnerable to receive love.
Don’t be afraid to be daring when it comes to love. In her book, fittingly titled Daring to Love, author Tamsen Firestone wrote, “Never forget that love is not just a noun. It’s also a verb – an action. The source of your greatest power and freedom in life is your ability to choose the actions that you are going to take.
” This doesn’t mean you need to fill a room with roses or plan an elaborate event. It can be an act as simple as being more flirtatious, acknowledging, or affectionate. It can be a matter of breaking a routine, surprising your partner in a small way, or slowing down to offer them your full attention. Whatever action comes to mind, don’t talk yourself out of it, and go for broke.
2) Stop making comparisons. Couples tend to get into trouble when they weigh their actions against each other. In a relationship, it can sometimes be tempting to catalogue all the things you’re doing and your partner isn’t. For instance, when you start ruminating that you’re putting yourself out there or working harder in some way, while your partner is distracted, you will most likely pull back, and become guarded or critical. You may even miss out on some of the ways your partner is reaching out and offering something, because you’re busy building a case.
It’s helpful to remember that your partner has their own internal (and external) life.
They may be going through something that has nothing to do with you, and you may not always feel like you’re getting the response or attunement you desire. However, it’s okay to be there for your partner even when they’re not entirely there for themselves. It’s alright to let the little things go and to accept that you each have unique and separate things to offer. This does NOT mean you should stand by a person who is consistently unkind, ungenerous or isn’t making you happy. Yet, making constant or nitpicky comparisons with someone you share life with can be the work of your “critical inner voice,” an internal commentary that tends to undermine you and your relationship. The person it takes the biggest toll on is you, and it can get in the way of your own loving feelings for your partner.
Your critical inner voice can always find things that your partner could be doing more of, but you’re the only one you have control over in your relationship. When you get sucked in to a tit-for-tat mentality, you forget that love is not a competition, and kindness isn’t a technique to get the upper hand.
Being loving and generous, even (or especially) when your partner is having an off day, is a strategy to feel close to them again. And it’s a choice you can make for yourself.
3) Ask for what you want. One of the best things you can do to stay close to your partner is to say what you want directly. People underestimate how hard it can be to do this. They think they are expressing what they want directly, but what they’re often really doing is hinting, nagging, complaining, demanding, or expecting their partner to read their mind.
Being open and direct can make you feel vulnerable. You may try to avoid the risk of feeling hurt or let down by either not saying what you want or saying it in a way that comes off as critical toward your partner. You may find yourself making digging jokes or commentary, like “well, if you ever got home early enough, we could actually see each other.” Or, you may stonewall or punish your partner when you don’t feel satisfied.
A lot of times, you do this because you are listening to your critical inner voice, telling you to protect yourself and to not say what you want. It tells you that you’ll only be disappointed, and that you can’t trust your partner.
Getting close to your partner often means pushing past whatever your critical inner voice may be telling you and saying what you want directly. Try to be open and vulnerable when you express yourself, speaking as an adult, without sounding victimized or angry. Take Dr. Les Greenberg’s advice to say something more general that you desire, then voice a more specific want that your partner could fulfill. For example, if you feel like your partner hasn’t been available, you might say, “I miss you. I want to feel your interest and attraction. I love when we spend a little while catching up at the end of the day.” Being vulnerable and honest allows your partner to know you and feel for you without feeling on the defense. And they are more likely to offer you what you want.
4) Take a breather. When I suggest you take a break from your partner, I don’t mean it in the sense that you should break up or press pause on the relationship. I just mean that a little time and space can be rejuvenating and offer some perspective, particularly at times when things either get really complicated or pretty dull and routine between you. When you’re with someone for a long time, you can start to operate as a unit, feeling an unspoken pressure to do everything together. The problem is the form of being a couple can become more important than the substance of actual relating.
You don’t have to be together all the time to be close. Taking time to do your own thing gives you a chance to gain perspective, to miss the other person, and appreciate who they are all over again. For some couples, this kind of clarity can come from a few hours, a single evening, or a week or two away. These separations can come naturally and shouldn’t be used to punish or threaten your partner, but to reconnect with a feeling inside yourself.
5) Be your old self. When a couple goes through a hard time, they often long for or miss the person with whom they first fell in love. They talk about how the other person changed in the relationship, but what they’re usually missing are certain vital and vulnerable characteristics. These characteristics often wain when a couple enters into a fantasy bond, an illusion of fusion that replaces real, vital feelings of love. When we enter a fantasy bond, the truth is, many of us miss these qualities in ourselves. We don’t understand where all our own energy, independence, and loving feelings went.
Think about how you felt about yourself when you first fell in love. How did you feel about your partner? How did those feelings make you act? In the initial stages of a loving relationship, most people express more curiosity, respect, kindness, and excitement toward their partner, but additionally, they often feel more curiosity, confidence, care, and vitality within themselves.
Think about the qualities that matter to you, and try to uphold them, because it’s when you feel you’re most yourself that you feel you’re most in love.
Of course, every human evolves and grows, so the idea of being the person your partner fell in love with isn’t about denying your development or pretending to be an old version of yourself. In fact, it’s barely about your partner at all. Rather, it’s an exercise in getting back to a feeling you had toward yourself, your partner, and, often, your life in general.
You may have come across the expression, “We fall in love by chance, we stay in love by choice.” It may sound a little simple or unromantic, but it’s true in the sense that maintaining your feelings toward your partner is often a matter of staying alive to love within yourself. You have to keep opening yourself up to another person and taking loving actions toward them if you want to stay feeling close and in love with them. Most actions we take in the name of love are acts of being vulnerable and undefended.
These five steps are no exception. They may make you feel out on a limb, a little insecure, or exposed, but they’re significant strides toward staying in love.
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22 Ways to Get Closer with Your Partner
The Psychology of Relationships
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It's easy to get into a routine and get stuck in everyday chaos, especially when it comes to your relationship. One day you may find that you are just spending time with your partner and not truly appreciating every moment you have. If this has caused you to feel distant, don't be alarmed and try to eliminate it. Luckily, there are a few simple ways that fit easily into your schedule and help you get closer.
Relationships need attention to flourish. “I like to associate relationship care with gardening.
Sometimes one grand gesture can have a positive effect, just like fertilizers help plants bloom. However, flowers grow best when watered regularly. If you maintain intimacy with your partner through small things that show you care, then the relationship will only flourish,” says expert Candice Smith. If you want to keep your garden blooming, here are 22 things you can do to get closer to your partner.
1. Kiss for six seconds
Research by Dr. John Gottman says that the best way to greet your partner is with a six second kiss. “A six-second kiss upon meeting can positively influence your interaction,” says Dr. Nicole Richardson. Six seconds is enough to feel close, but it's not too long either. Kissing like this is a great way to keep in touch during the week when you don't have much free time. Set aside 6 seconds in the morning before leaving for work, do the same when you get home. A warm feeling will stay with you throughout the working day.
2.
Share good news “To create a positive bond between you and your partner, share good news daily. If you share positive thoughts and experiences with him, you cheer up not only yourself, but also your beloved, ”advises sexologist Noel Cordo. Although people should be together in sorrow and joy, daily positive moments in your relationship will help them flourish.
3. Send messages when you think of each other
“When you think about your lover during the day, write him a message so that he knows about it. It can be a simple text wishing you good luck at an important meeting or more personal thoughts, ”says sex coach Irene Fehr. Sharing messages like this can bring people closer. Most of us spend our day at work on our phones or computers, so one cute message fits easily into our schedule.
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4.
Say good morning and good night According to matchmaker Julia Becker, if you and your partner don't live together, the easiest way to keep in touch every day is to say good morning and good night. Your other half is pleased to understand that they are the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning, and the last thing that comes to your mind when you go to bed. Even if you live together, still remember to say this to each other every day.
5. Do something nice
Couples are often told that compliments bring them closer. But you can become even closer if you do something for your beloved that he should have done. “Take an item off your partner's to-do list and make life easier for them. This is a great way to strengthen the connection, especially when you know that for your significant other it is valuable, ”says sexologist Jamie LeClair.
6. Kiss like the first time
When a new partner comes into your life, everything seems so new and interesting.
You enjoy going on dates and learning about each other's personalities. The first kiss can make you lose your head and give you an unforgettable experience. “Often in long-term relationships, couples forget about the main binder - kissing,” recalls sex coach Amy Levin.
7. Walk
In the morning before you leave for work or in the evening when you return from a busy day, go for a walk with your significant other. If you have thoughts that you would like to discuss, then here is a great chance to start a dialogue. “Talking about dreams and desires can take your mind off the frantic pace and help you relax,” Fehr says. And if you have a dog, you can walk together at least every day.
8. Work on conflicts that come up often
Let's face it, every couple has arguments from time to time. And if you notice that there is one topic that provokes you again and again, then you can become much closer if you think about how you can suppress the conflict at the stage of its occurrence.
“At some point, you feel that a quarrel is starting. Agree on a plan of action that will help you not aggravate the situation when a conflict is brewing. Talk on the phone or in person, but don't do it via messages,” advises matchmaker Stef Safran. If you resolve the issue before it recurs, you can show your loved one that you want to enjoy the relationship and don't let any conflict stand in your way.
9. Share your daily ups and downs
Expert Tyler Turk says that after a hard day at work, it's a good idea to make it a habit to talk to your partner about all the ups and downs you've had. This practice helps develop empathy and strengthens your emotional connection. Often we spend time on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia) or watching series, and not listening to our other half. It is necessary to devote free time to yourself, but do not forget about your beloved.
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10.
Go out during the week “A good way to break up your daily routine is to go to a bar with a partner after work. If you don't like alcohol, then find a place that can surprise you with its cuisine. Spend time together and get closer,” says matchmaker Susan Trombetti. Such joint outings can take you back to the beginning of a relationship, when any trip to a restaurant or bar made butterflies flutter in your stomach.
11. Take a painting course
These days, almost every studio has evening painting workshops where couples can come and create their own masterpieces. “Events like this evoke team spirit in a couple and build stronger relationships,” says Becker.
12 Pay attention to physical contact
Have you ever wondered why a simple hug improves your mood? “When you touch your partner, the hormone oxytocin is released. It only takes 20 seconds of physical contact for it to spread throughout your body,” says psychologist Anita Chlipala.
This gives a feeling of relaxation and also increases trust in your partner. Through touch, you can improve your mood and strengthen your connection with your significant other.
13 Cook Dinner Together
Instead of having one person cook dinner or each one eating something different, make the effort to make dinner together. “It will take the burden off one person and you can also have a good time,” says host Laura Bilotta.
14 Compliment your lover every day
Every time you wake up or go to bed, start a tradition of voicing one quality that you value in your partner. “Find time for this. Most likely, you plan your day, bring that into it, ”says sex therapist Sarah Watson. If you find yourself forgetting to do this, set yourself a reminder on your phone. It is important to be reminded of good qualities, even when you see each other every day or constantly exchange messages. After all, who doesn't love receiving compliments?
15.
Create playlists for each other If you listen to music in the morning, you may notice that a certain tune can completely change your mood. According to researchers, the brain releases the chemical dopamine, which is responsible for pleasure. The same substance the brain releases during sex. In order to experience these pleasant feelings towards your partner, even when you are not together, make playlists for each other that are associated with your relationship. You will get a huge amount of pleasant emotions that will charge you for the week ahead.
16. Practice the five-to-one rule
You must be annoyed by some of your lover's habits. “The five-to-one rule means that you should definitely say encouraging words to your partner much more often than anything negative,” advises relationship coach Lainie Zuckerman. This does not mean that you should stop telling your chosen one about his shortcomings altogether. Rather, it is about a healthy balance between compliments and dissatisfaction.
Make an effort and give preference to positive emotions that will suppress negative reactions. By bringing more positivity into the relationship, you can prevent petty quarrels that alienate you and your partner.
17. Ask each other important questions
One of the easiest ways to show your partner that you care is to ask them how they feel and what they did that day. “You express your interest and your presence,” says sexologist Stephanie Threadgill Briggs. In this way, you show your loved one that you think of him and put his well-being in the foreground. But remember, this is not an interview. According to Stephanie, you have to make sure that the dialogue is interesting for both parties.
18. Send each other letters
“Even if you live together and see each other every day, send your other half a letter by mail,” advises psychotherapist Nina Rubin. In the era of digital technology and continuous communication, paper letters symbolize something special.
A sweet message can get lost among hundreds of others, and an important phone call will remain only in your memory. The letter is physical evidence and a symbol of your love. “If you can’t send it, leave the letter in your pocket or put it in your chosen one’s car,” Rubin added. The idea itself is important here. Imagine your partner finds a love letter in their car. This will cause no less emotional reaction than if he received it in the mail.
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19. Take time to think about your day in a meaningful way
You can constantly ask each other how your day went, but you will get routine answers in return. Get closer to your significant other and make sure you have time to consciously discuss your day and all of your emotions. “Sharing everyday experiences promotes communication and emotional intimacy.
It also helps to collaborate and solve problems together, minimizing conflict,” says professional educator Richard Horowitz.
20. Make a board with plans
If you present a joint future with a chosen one, a great way to become closer is to buy a board on which you will record your plans for the next couple of years. “A vision of a common future is another powerful tool for getting closer and building a solid foundation for your relationship,” Cordo says. You can write everything there, from the type of house you want to buy to the events that you dream about all your life.
21. Go for a couples massage
If you're having a tough week and feeling like your partner has faded into the background, there's nothing better than a massage. “Many say that it not only relaxes well, but also gives both lovers a sense of serenity, closeness and care for each other,” notes Zuckerman. When the session is over, you will feel your body better, and also ignite a spark between you and your other half.
22 Learn your partner's love language
Everyone has different ways of expressing their love. “Some people prefer to spend more time with their chosen one, while others feel a strong connection only if a partner helps them around the house,” says Chlipala. It is important to learn the language of your partner's feelings so that you can better feel their support. Deep down, your significant other knows that you love her and care about her. But sometimes he may need you to put in the extra effort and show that you understand what he needs from you. If you take the time to explore your partner's desires, eventually both of you will feel in harmony.
Sometimes it can be difficult to find time for your other half, but the routine should not alienate you from each other. Try to use one of the methods or even several to always stay in touch with your loved one.
Elina Guseva
Get closer... in a new way | PSYCHOLOGIES
Sex Man and Woman
“We learned almost everything about each other during our five years of living together.
Absolute trust appeared between us, we learned to listen to each other calmly and attentively ... but the desire was gone. Nina, 44, a lover of personal growth books and a frequenter of psychological training, talks about how the power of attraction changes in her marriage. As in many couples, a hormonal explosion of passion is followed by a period of detachment and conflict, when the temptation to give up on the relationship is so great: “We didn’t get along!”
For those who passed this test, a new stage begins: partners will have to maintain love and fidelity and not let intimacy, trust, unconditional acceptance of each other extinguish sexual desire. This is not easy to do, primarily because our desire is inherently contradictory.
According to family psychotherapist Anna Varga, the point is the difference between the laws of love and attraction.
“Love exists where there is a sense of security, where everything is familiar. Desire requires surprise, surprise, uncertainty.
Love needs closeness, eroticism needs distance. Love grows stronger from mutual understanding and gratitude, and the element of desire is unpredictability.
To awaken him, the partner must somehow remain a stranger to the other.” When a partner becomes too close, too predictable, his erotic aura dissipates, and the relationship of lovers turns into brotherly or parental.
“Many couples admit that they dream of returning the intensity of passion that they experienced after they met,” says Anna Varga. - They nostalgically recall the golden time, which did not last long! But this is natural: the intensity, the passion that was there in the beginning, cannot last long. This is how the law of the “power of duration” works: if it is very strong, then it is short.”
Companions and accomplices
Does this mean that in order to maintain relations, we will have to come to terms with the inevitability and accept as a fact the extinction of the fire of our desire? “Not at all,” Anna Varga objects.
- There are, for example, several clear rules that help to keep it.
Do not get too close, keep your personal space, but do not demand absolute openness from your partner either. Do not expect sex to satisfy all your fantasies - excessive expectations reduce attraction.
If there are children in the family, spouses should try to leave the house together once a week for a day, so as not to fall into child-centrism.”
Another important point: partners play many roles in modern marriage. Everyone tries to be a relative, friend, father or mother, lover for the other.
“Attraction is difficult to maintain in such conditions,” the psychotherapist clarifies. “One of the ways to return desire is to give up other roles for a while, to remain only a lover or mistress.”
In order for attraction not to fade, it is necessary to listen to your partner and yourself at the same time, and to keep within yourself the desire… to desire. However, one should not harbor illusions: nothing will work if there is no trust, sexual understanding, common plans, humor.
Without them, any erotic recipes are powerless.
Thanks to family therapy, 51-year-old Lydia and Alexander realized that their closeness was poisoned by unspoken reproaches. “Sasha was offered a promotion twice, but he refused,” says Lydia. - And at that time I was finishing courses in landscape designers and switched to a part-time job at my main job. We barely made ends meet and were angry at each other. Needless to say, our sex life has stopped. But after a while we were able to talk about our feelings and together we began to think about what to do next. Trust reappeared, and over time, the desire returned.”
The power of touch
Taoists believe that sexual harmony can be achieved through touch: it is not just physical contact, but a process of energy exchange that awakens desire in a partner. Energetic and sensual touch should be as light as a feather and glide over the surface of the partner’s body, stimulating the nerve endings and attracting energy – this is taught by the ancient Taoist tradition*.
In order to "wake up" a woman with the help of touch, a man must remember that in a woman's body, sexual energy moves to the genitals from the limbs, head and heart. Therefore, he should start with the hands and feet and slowly move through the arms and legs to the torso. Then go to the woman's head and go down her torso down to the genitals. According to the Taoist metaphor, yin energy is like water, flowing down the hills and valleys of the female body to its lowest point, the vagina.
To awaken a man's sexual desire, you need to remember that his sexual energy is born in the penis and spreads throughout the body. Therefore, a woman should start with the penis, but only with light touches, and not with intense stimulation. She can then direct the man's sexual energy from his sexual organs to his limbs and then through his torso to his head. The outflow of energy from the penis will give him the opportunity to better control his arousal and experience an orgasm of the whole body.
When the sexual energy spreads throughout the body and reaches the heart, then he begins to perceive the love of a woman.
* Mantak Chia, Douglas Abrams, Rachel Abrams Love Secrets for Two. Sofia, 2008.
Share emotions
We should not hope that desire will return if we are not ready to talk with a partner about our feelings, to exchange emotions and impressions with him - intellectual, aesthetic or sensual. Discuss, argue, or just look at each other knowingly...
“If partners have few common impressions, entertainments and interests, their sex life will be mechanical and monotonous,” Anna Varga is sure. - At the beginning of a relationship, the energy of our desire is fueled by discoveries. Discovery of new facets of the partner's personality and discoveries that we make together with him. Over time, the partner becomes less and less mysterious, but the field for discoveries that can be made together remains boundless.
The couple should have lived together in a variety of circumstances and situations.
They should talk about themselves, not allowing, however, complete nudity. And of course, the spouses should have a common picture of a favorable future - near and far. “The thought that we will go on vacation or equip a summer house, buy a new car, or finally gather friends at the end of the month at the end of the month, saturates and gives value to relationships,” the psychotherapist explains.
Sixteen years together, two children. The life of 45-year-old Alla and 46-year-old Viktor was filled with passion and mutual attraction again when they decided to move to the shores of the Sea of Azov. “A year has passed since then. We still live in Samara. But when we started making plans together, we had to discuss all our fears, doubts, true desires. It really brought us closer. We communicate again - a lot and interestingly: jokes that only the two of us understand, discussions, disputes. Communication has become lively and relaxed ... And sex too!
Far and near
To renew desire and not let it fade away helps a clear idea of what we ourselves give to a partner (attention, respect, sexual interest) and what we would like to receive in return.
Indeed, in fact, the goal is not to return an old love, but to fall in love with a person with whom we have been living together for several years in a new way.
If we understand how important (and necessary) the distance that separates us, we will be better able to appreciate the beautiful moments of closeness
Routine has no power over us as long as we look at life as a journey. In the morning, everyone leaves the house on a new day, as a sailor goes to the open sea, and in the evening he returns home with a catch. If we understand how important (and necessary) the distance that separates us, we will be better able to appreciate the beautiful moments of closeness. Without closeness there is no tenderness, and without distance there is no novelty.
When our view of the closest person changes, a new stage begins in the relationship. Sometimes someone else's interested look at a partner makes us wake up, and sometimes we do it by an effort of will.
“This is solved by changing the roles, format or design of communication, and you don’t have to spare time and effort for this,” Anna Varga is convinced.
When we become interested in our partner again, we ask him questions about his tastes, plans and desires, and in return we share our innermost, we bring something new into the relationship. So, for the sake of a joke, 43-year-old Nina began to address her husband, 45-year-old Dmitry, as “you”, as when they first met. And in their relationship there was something exciting, a new game. Sometimes it takes so little to surprise each other again.
Preserving Desire: Five Priorities
“Knowing yourself and your partner well, sharing emotions, ideas and fantasies, respecting the differences between two people will help awaken desire in yourself,” explains family therapist Anna Varga.
Consider a couple as living beings
No matter how many years we live together, the partner does not become our permanent property, and the relationship does not remain unchanged.
When we stop reconsidering our opinions and ideas, when habits take over us, boredom settles in relationships, and desire falls asleep. Moving forward is always ups and downs, and sometimes crises. But all the same, in a pair, as in the Universe, movement is a synonym for development and life itself.
Recognize differences
"I am not he (not she)". “I have a different story, a different life experience”... If we regularly remind ourselves of these simple truths, they will save us from poisonous projections and accusations, and in addition, will not let desire die out. After all, in a loved one, we are most attracted to what we ourselves lack.
Communicate sincerely
Don't be afraid to talk about yourself - to express your expectations, difficulties, doubts in an open conversation... Casual communication not only brings together, but also dispels misunderstandings, resentments and causes for conflicts.
Make joint plans
They can be of any scale.
