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How to deal with grief of losing a parent


Losing a Parent: 8 Tips for Grieving

For many, a parent’s death may be one of our most profound losses.

Saying goodbye to a parent is a life-changing experience, marking the end of a bond we’ve known for our entire lives, explains Heidi Horsley, PsyD, executive director and cofounder of the Open to Hope Foundation, a nonprofit organization that supports people experiencing grief and loss.

Until it happens, we don’t know what our lives are like without our parents, she says. “To have them gone can be traumatic, whether it’s sudden or expected.”

Our biological parents give us life, and the parents who raise us (whether biological or not) shape our lives in really big ways, adds Alexandra Kennedy, a Santa Cruz, California–based licensed marriage and family therapist and author of several books on grief, including Honoring Grief, and Losing a Parent. “They’re with us from day one, forming the foundation of our identity.”

Research backs this up. Survey data, for example, shows people continue to report trouble sleeping, concentrating at work, getting along with people, and a strong emotional response one to five years after losing a parent. Other research suggests losing a parent puts someone at a higher risk of numerous negative mental and physical health outcomes, including higher likelihood of binge drinking, self-esteem issues, and overall decline in happiness.

Losing a parent doesn’t mean you’ll experience these things, but the research underscores how challenging it is to cope with a parent’s death, and that we may be more vulnerable to some of these negative health outcomes when it happens.

This evidence also reinforces that parents often play critical roles in our self-confidence and sense of purpose throughout our lives, and struggling with this type of loss is to be expected, Kennedy says.

Remember that the grieving process is very individual, Dr. Horsley adds. “There is no ‘right’ way to grieve that applies to everyone,” she says. “But there are things you can do to help you along the process.”

If you’ve lost a parent, here are some of the things that might help you cope:

1. Recognize Grief Shows Up as Many Different Emotions

Learn about how grief works so you can work with it instead of resisting it, says Lisa De Sieno, a licensed professional counselor and director of bereavement services at Mayo Clinic in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

De Sieno says you may encounter feelings like:

  • Disbelief
  • Sadness
  • Yearning
  • Numbness
  • Frustration
  • Anxiety
  • An inability to focus

2. Let Yourself Feel All the Emotions That Do Show Up

Some people’s natural response to grief is to suppress the difficult emotions that come up with it. This may be in an effort to “stay strong”; in other cases, people may feel the need to turn to work, drinking, or other distractions. But ultimately if you are never giving yourself space to feel, this approach won’t actually help you cope with and work through what you’re feeling, says Carla Marie Manly, PsyD, a clinical psychologist based in Sonoma County, California.

What’s more, suppressing feelings or compartmentalizing them can cause your unaddressed feelings to bubble up in outbursts or to leave you closed off emotionally to the people around you.

Allowing yourself to grieve (to face your pain) activates healing within your body, Kennedy says. It’s okay to use distraction and other methods to get you through parts of your day, but doing so all the time can be unhealthy. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions forces you to find ways to cope with and live with your grief. It makes you emotionally stronger.

3. Establish a Support System

Whether you’re leaning on family members, friends, group therapy, or a bereavement counselor, turn to your support system, Kennedy says. Research suggests turning to a relative or close friend who also lost a parent can be beneficial. Other research finds that for both young adults and middle-aged adults who lose a parent, counseling and support from loved ones helps.

Choose confidantes who can provide you with the listening ear that you need, De Sieno says. Talking it out can help you with processing your emotions, she says.

4. Write Your Parent a Letter

When someone you know passes away, there’s always a chance that there’s something you didn’t get to tell or resolve with that person. Some people are devastated that a parent didn’t share family recipes, others mourn unresolved arguments or conversations that never took place, and others feel sad that a parent missed a graduation or wedding or other special event.

Try writing a letter to your parent, Kennedy says. Focus on what you didn’t get to tell your parent, what you want to thank them for, what you regret, and what you hope to carry on as part of their legacy. “Understand it won’t be sent but it’s for you to process and unload what you’re holding inside. It’s amazing how people have healed by writing that letter,” Kennedy says.

5. Allow Yourself to Grieve in Small Doses (and Keep Doing So as Needed)

Kennedy, whose father, Charles, died from cancer in 1988, says that a common misconception about grief is that you get through it and it’s over. Oftentimes people expect that once they do the work to clear out someone’s house and get rid of someone’s possessions, after a certain amount of time, you’ll just heal. Grief is rarely that straightforward. For profound losses, grief never completely goes away and it can take a long time to learn to live with that grief.

Kennedy recommends designating small amounts of time for grief to start to learn how to cope with it. Give yourself 20 minutes everyday to grieve alone in a safe space, Kennedy says. Mourn, cry, allow yourself to feel your grief fully without holding back, and then try to move about your day as you otherwise would, doing your job, schoolwork, or taking care of home or other responsibilities. “It needs our attention for small periods of time, so our nervous system doesn’t get overwhelmed,” Kennedy says.

If you don’t feel safe grieving alone because you fear it will be overwhelming, consider including a friend or family member, or reaching out to a counselor or therapist to help create a safe space.

6. Plan for Holidays, Birthdays, and the Anniversary of a Parent’s Death

The first year without your parent around for holidays like Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day, may hurt, De Sieno says. Some families may even find the second year just as raw. Planning ahead for these key dates can make a difference.

Horsley, whose father died in October 2020, suggests starting a tradition or a family ritual that could be as simple as lighting a candle, making a toast, or preparing your parent’s favorite meal to share with the family to remember that person on an occasion you know they’ll be missed at. On her father’s birthday, she invites her family and friends over to share a funny story or memory they have of her father. This tradition helped the group learn more about Horsley’s father — even the quirky, minute details they previously knew nothing about.

7. Pick a Way to Keep Your Parent in Your Life

Some families keep photos and mementos of their parent around the home to keep their memory fresh in their daily lives, De Sieno says.

When Manly’s mother died, her husband planted a redwood tree in their backyard in her honor. “Every time I see that redwood tree, it reminds me of her,” Manly says. One of her clients uses her mom’s vintage aprons anytime she’s baking in the kitchen.

You could also:

  • Plant your parent’s favorite flowers in your garden.
  • Continue in hobbies and work your parent found meaningful, like volunteering, sewing, fishing, or community service.
  • Donate to your parent’s favorite cause.
  • Watch and read your parent’s favorite books or movies.

These actions can be comforting and they’re a way to honor your loss, Manly says.

8. Find Meaning in Your Loss

Losing her father and her brother is what inspired Horsley to start the Open to Hope Foundation, which is dedicated to helping others find meaning and purpose following their loss. She says helping others cope with their pain and heal from their grief is precisely what her father would have wanted her to do.

For Kennedy, her father’s death is what encouraged her to study grief and provide bereavement counseling for decades afterwards. “Whenever I do a talk, or teach a class, I feel my father there.”

Try to find meaning from your loss, too. Recognize when you are completing a tradition your parent started or living out a lesson they passed on to you. It’s a way for you to reconnect with the parent you’ve lost and find meaning in that loss, she says. But don’t force it, she adds — let these moments come to you naturally.

“Yes, you’ve lost your parent, but they are still very much alive in you,” she says.

When Should You Seek Help for Coping With Grief Over Losing a Parent?

There’s no such thing as normal grief; and there’s no set amount of time you should consider it normal to grieve for. It’s important to anticipate having good days and bad days when you’ve experienced a loss, Manly says.

But if grief continues to interfere with your day-to-day functioning severely and for a long time, it’s important to know that there are resources available to help you cope. If you’re dealing with the following concerns for longer than a month to six weeks, it may be time to seek out bereavement therapy, group therapy, or one-on-one counseling with a therapist, Manly and Horsley suggest:

  • You can’t stop crying or refuse to get out of bed.
  • You’re having trouble keeping up with your responsibilities at work, school or home.
  • You have trouble sleeping or are sleeping too much.
  • You have little interest in food or you’re binge eating.
  • You have a hard time making decisions.
  • You’re blaming yourself for their death.
  • You’re in constant disbelief that your parent died.
  • You’re feeling alone, detached from others, or distrustful of others since their death.
  • You’re feeling like life is meaningless or empty without the loved one.
  • You have a loss of identity or purpose in life.

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10 Tips for Handling the Grief

The finality of death can feel almost unbelievable, particularly when it strikes a parent, someone whose presence in your life may have never wavered.

You finished growing up and successfully reached adulthood, but you still needed (and expected to have) your parents for years to come.

The loss of their support, guidance, and love can leave a vast emptiness and pain that might seem impossible to heal, even if their death was expected.

Or, maybe you and your parent were estranged or had a complicated relationship, resulting in a roller coaster of conflicting emotions.

Yet the world at large may expect you to recover from your grief fairly quickly — after the prescribed 3 days of bereavement leave, perhaps padded with a few extra days of personal time — and get back to business.

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a parent, but these strategies can offer a starting place as you begin to acknowledge your loss.

Sadness is common after the loss of a parent, but it’s also normal for other feelings to take over. You may not feel sad, and that’s OK, too. Perhaps you only feel numb, or relieved they’re no longer in pain.

Grief opens the gate to a flood of complicated, often conflicting emotions. Your relationship with your parent might have had plenty of challenges, but it still represented an important key to your identity.

They created you, or adopted and chose to raise you, and became your first anchor in the world.

After such a significant loss, it’s only natural to struggle or experience difficulties coming to terms with your distress.

You might experience:

  • anger or frustration
  • guilt, perhaps for not contacting them frequently or not being present for their death
  • shock and emotional numbness
  • confusion, disbelief, or a sense of unreality
  • hopelessness or despair
  • physical pain
  • mental health symptoms, including depression or thoughts of suicide
  • relief that they’re no longer in pain

No matter how the loss hits you, remember this: Your feelings are valid, even if they don’t line up with what others think you “should” feel.

People react to grief in different ways, but it’s important to let yourself feel all of your feelings.

There’s no single right way to grieve, no set amount of time after which you can automatically expect to feel better, no stages or steps to check off a list. This in itself can be difficult to accept.

Denying your feelings may seem like a route toward faster healing. You might also get the message that others expect you to bury your grief and move on before you’ve come to terms with your loss.

Remind yourself grief is a difficult process as well as a painful one. Try to not let the opinions of others sway you.

Some people work through grief in a short time and move forward with the remnants of their sadness safely tucked away. Others need more time and support, no matter how expected the death was.

If your parent passed after a long illness, you may have had more time to prepare, but no amount of preparation makes your grief any less significant when it hits. You might still feel stunned and disbelieving, especially if you held out hope for their recovery to the very end.

The unexpected death of a parent still in middle age, on the other hand, may force you to confront your own mortality, a battle that can also complicate grief.

As you navigate the days, weeks and months following the loss of a parent, you may experience a variety of emotions and feelings. These may also change over time.

Some people may go through what is referred to as the five stages of grief. These include:

  • Stage one: denial. This can feel like being in a state of shock or confusion surrounding the death of a parent. A person in this stage may feel the need to keep busy all the time, or do what they can to avoid dealing with the issue.
  • Stage two: anger. A person in this stage may feel frustration, rage or even resentment. They may display behaviors that are irritable, sarcastic or pessimistic. They may also get into arguments or turn to alcohol or drugs.
  • Stage three: bargaining. A person in the bargaining phase of grief may have feelings of shame, guilt, blame or insecurity. They may ruminate on matters of the past or worry about the future. They may judge themselves or others, overthink and worry.
  • Stage four: depression. During this stage, people may feel hopeless, sad, disappointed and overwhelmed. They may experience changes to their sleep or appetite, have a lack of interest in social activities and have reduced energy.
  • Stage five: acceptance. People in the final stage of grief may feel a sense of self-compassion, courage, pride and even wisdom. They may accept reality for what it is, be present in the moment as it happens and be able to adapt and cope with the situation.

Grief often has a significant impact on daily life:

  • Your state of mind might change rapidly, without warning.
  • You might notice sleep problems, more or less of an appetite, irritability, poor concentration, or increased alcohol or substance use.
  • You might find it tough to work, take care of household tasks, or see to your own basic needs.
  • The need to wrap up your parent’s affairs may leave you overwhelmed, particularly if you have to handle this task alone.

Some people find comfort in the distraction of work, but try to avoid forcing yourself to return before you feel ready, if possible. People often throw themselves into work, taking on more than they can comfortably handle to avoid scaling the ever-present wall of painful emotions.

Finding a balance is key. Some distraction can be healthy, provided you still make time to address your feelings.

It might seem difficult, even inconsiderate, to dedicate time to self-care, but prioritizing your health becomes even more important as you recover from your loss.

Keep these tips in mind:

  • Get enough sleep. Set aside 7 to 9 hours each night for sleep.
  • Avoid skipping meals. If you don’t feel hungry, choose nutritious snacks and small meals of mood-boosting foods.
  • Hydrate. Drink plenty of water.
  • Keep moving. Stay active to energize yourself and help raise your spirits. Even a daily walk can help.
  • Aim for moderation. If you drink alcohol, try to stay within recommended guidelines. It’s understandable to want to numb your pain, but increased alcohol use can have health consequences.
  • Reset. Rest and recharge with fulfilling hobbies, such as gardening, reading, art, or music.
  • Be mindful. Meditating or keeping a grief journal can help you process emotions.
  • Speak up. Talk to your healthcare provider about any new physical or mental health symptoms. Reach out to friends and other loved ones for support.

Talking to family members and other loved ones about what your parent meant to you and sharing stories can help keep their memory alive.

If you have children, you might tell stories about their grandparent or carry on family traditions that were important in your childhood.

It might feel painful at first to reminisce, but you may find that your grief begins to ease as the stories start flowing.

If you feel unable to openly talk about your parent for the moment, it can also help to collect photographs of special times or write them a letter expressing your grief about their passing.

Not everyone has positive memories of their parents, of course. And people often avoid sharing negative memories about people who’ve passed. If they abused, neglected, or hurt you in any way, you may wonder whether there’s any point to dredging up that old pain.

If you’ve never discussed or processed what happened, however, you might find it even harder to heal and move forward after their death. Opening up to a therapist or someone else you trust can help lighten the load.

Many people find that specific actions can help honor a deceased parent and offer a measure of comfort.

You might consider:

  • creating a small home memorial with photos and mementos
  • planting their favorite tree or flower in your backyard
  • adopting their pet or plants
  • continuing work they found meaningful, like volunteering or other community service
  • donating to their preferred charity or organization

Upon hearing the news that an estranged parent has passed away, you might feel lost, numb, angry, or surprised by your grief. You might even feel cheated of the opportunity to address past trauma or unresolved hurt.

Life doesn’t always give us the answers we seek or the solutions we crave. Sometimes you just have to accept inadequate conclusions, however unfinished or painful they feel.

Knowing you can no longer address the past might leave you feeling as if you’re doomed to carry that hurt forever.

Instead of clutching tight to any lingering bitterness, try viewing this as an opportunity to let go of the past and move forward — for your sake.

Some things are truly difficult to forgive, but harboring resentment only harms you, since there’s no one left to receive it.

A letter can help you express things previously left unsaid and take the first steps toward processing the painful and complex feelings left after their death. Working with a therapist can also help you begin to heal the pain of the past.

Friends and loved ones may not know exactly what to say if they haven’t faced the same type of loss, but their presence can still help you feel less alone.

It’s normal to need time to mourn privately, but at the same time, completely isolating yourself generally doesn’t help. The companionship and support of those closest to you can help keep you from being overwhelmed by your loss.

Beyond providing a supportive presence, friends can also help out with meals, child care, or handling errands.

Just be sure to let others know what you need.

If you want to talk about your parent, you might ask if they’re able to listen. If you’d like a break from thinking about their death, you might ask them to join you in a distracting activity, whether that’s playing a game, watching a movie, or working on a project around the house.

You might notice family relationships begin to change after your parent’s death.

Your remaining parent, if still living, may now look to you and your siblings for support. Your siblings, if you have any, are facing the same loss. Their unique relationship with your parent can mean they experience the loss differently than you do, too.

It’s not unusual for siblings to experience conflict or slowly drift apart, particularly if you disagreed over your parent’s end-of-life care.

Yet family bonds can provide comfort during grief. You’ve experienced the same loss, even though that person meant something different to each of you.

If you cherish your family relationships, make an effort to strengthen those bonds and draw closer together.

This might mean reaching out more often than in the past or inviting them more regularly to visit and participate in family gatherings.

It can also mean listening with empathy when a sibling who had a difficult relationship with your parent now finds it hard to come to terms with their conflicting emotions.

Friends and loved ones may offer comfort, but a grief support group can fulfill a different kind of social need by connecting you to others who have experienced similar losses.

It’s not uncommon to feel irritated or frustrated when people in your life who haven’t experienced loss attempt to console you or express messages of concern.

No matter how kind or well intentioned their words are, they simply don’t understand what you’re going through.

In a support group, you can find a shared understanding, along with validation of the emotions you feel unable to express to anyone else.

There’s no shame in needing extra support as you begin processing your parent’s death. In fact, many counselors specialize in providing grief support.

A therapist can offer validation and guidance as you begin working through the complex emotions that tend to accompany grief. Grief counselors can also teach coping strategies you can use as you begin adjusting to life without your parent.

Therapy also offers a safe space to unpack any guilt, anger, resentment, or other lingering emotions around a deceased parent’s toxic or hurtful behavior, and to achieve some level of closure.

If you want to forgive your parent but feel unsure how to begin, a therapist can provide compassionate support.

Our guide to finding affordable therapy can help you get started.

Grief is a complex process that can take time.

Everyone will experience their own journey of grief differently. Some people may take longer than others to fully grieve the loss of a person.

Feelings of grief may come and go, with the intensity of grief going up and down at various times. This can sometimes may it hard to feel you have made any progress with your grief.

It is possible you may feel better for a period of time, only to have feelings of grief return. This is normal.

Some people may find grief is worse around the holidays or other significant dates.

The pain associated with grief may lessen over time, but it is still possible to feel emotionally connected to a person who has died for years.

Grief after a parent’s death can drain you and leave you reeling, no matter what kind of relationship you had.

Remember, grieving is a normal, healthy process, one that looks different for everyone. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, embracing patience as you take the time you need to work through your loss.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.

Coping with the death of a loved one

This information will help you learn how to cope with grief and take care of yourself after the death of a loved one. We hope this material will help you and your family.

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Grief

Grief is a normal response to loss. Grief has psychological (mental), emotional and physical manifestations.

After the death of a loved one, you may experience shock or disbelief. Some people feel numb or feel like they are in a dream. There may be times when you feel sad, empty, or alone. You may even feel angry, guilty, or relieved. It is normal to experience several of these feelings at the same time. nine0003

Grief can also be accompanied by physical manifestations, including changes in appetite, weight, or habitual sleep patterns. You may have a headache or stomachache. In addition, you may find it difficult to think about returning to your daily activities or work. Some days you may have more energy than others. Remember that there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Each person goes through this in their own way.

The first months after the loss can be the most painful, but feelings often change over time. Some people will tell you that the grief of losing a loved one has not left them for a year. In fact, there is no clear time frame for this feeling. Because of the nature of your relationship with your loved one, you may experience grief differently than other people. nine0003 back to top of page

Coping with the death of a loved one

We will name a few things to keep in mind as time goes on.

Honoring the memory of a loved one

In various cultures and religions there are rituals to honor the memory of a person after his death. Sometimes families create their own rituals, such as lighting candles or a special family meal. You may want to honor the memory of a loved one in a special, meaningful way for you. It is also possible that you would like to honor a loved one more openly. This could be an Internet posting in memory of the deceased, a memorial plaque, or a tree planted in the garden. All this will contribute to the formation of a sense of community and kinship. You may want to discuss with your spirit guide, friends, and family how you would like to honor a loved one. Whatever you choose, remember that there is no right or wrong way to honor a loved one. nine0003

How to manage your personal belongings

Your loved one's clothes and personal belongings may have special meaning to you. Some people feel an urgent need to empty cabinets and shelves immediately after the death of a loved one. Others keep everything as it was before the loss. You may find solace in your loved one's clothes or books. You can also give these things to relatives and friends. These decisions can only be made by you. Do not rush to decide something and do what will be most acceptable for you and for your family. nine0003

Connecting with family and friends

Relatives and friends can support you during this time. However, they will have their own feelings and reactions related to the death of a loved one and your grief. Some people don't know what to say to a grieving person. They may say something tactless or rude when trying to sympathize. Your needs may not always be clear to your partner or your relatives or friends. For this reason, it can be helpful to talk about your needs, even when it's difficult. If you're not ready to talk, you might find it easier to write an email or send a text message. You can also ask a friend or relative to help you connect with others during this period. nine0003

Making decisions

You may find it difficult to make decisions at the moment. For this reason, after the loss of a loved one, it may be better to postpone important matters for a few months or a year. These issues include moving, moving to a new job, or reviewing financial affairs. You may find it helpful to seek advice from friends and family when it comes time to make these decisions.

Holidays and anniversaries

Various significant dates will come, such as anniversaries, birthdays and holidays, which will remind you of the loss. It can be hard for you to celebrate these days for the first time without a loved one. Planning ahead will help make them a little easier. nine0003

You may want to mark these days differently this time. One option might be to revise old family traditions or establish new ones. You may find comfort in socializing with friends and family, or you may prefer to do things alone. Whatever your decision, remember that there is no right or wrong way to spend these days. Try to do what is most acceptable to you.

How to help a child cope with loss

The death of a loved one affects children of all ages. If you have children who are bereaved, you may want to protect them from the sadness you are experiencing. However, it is important to be aware of what happened and recognize that all children will experience loss in their own way. nine0003

How your children experience grief depends on their age, on their concept of death, and on the behavior of others who serve as an example for children. However, it is important to be honest with them about what happened, using age-appropriate language. Phrases such as "no longer with us" or "passed away" may be incomprehensible to young children. They may experience grief in different ways and at different times. Be honest with your children and answer their questions. This will help them feel your love and protection, as well as the participants in your joint work to return to normal life. nine0003

If you have difficulty communicating with children, ask a family member, friend or professional social counselor for help. A Memorial Sloan Kettering (MSK) social worker can give you more information about support services for you and your family.

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Personal care

Grief can cause mental, physical and emotional distress. It is important to pay attention to your needs. During this period, self-care may not be the main thing for you. You may be focused on caring for other family members. You may even feel guilty about paying attention to yourself. Allowing yourself to take care of yourself and taking the time to do so will help you deal with the loss. nine0003

Here are some examples of how you can take care of yourself when dealing with the death of a loved one.

Find time for yourself

Each of us takes care of ourselves in our own way. Some people benefit from physical activity, such as walking or exercising. Others prefer socializing with friends and relatives, or sharing meals and conversations. You can learn new skills like cooking or gardening. By taking the time to find new ways to comfort and enjoy yourself, you can recover from grief faster. nine0003

Build a support system

Grieving alone can be very difficult. It is important to create a support system for you and your family. This may include:

  • spending time with friends and family;
  • participation in a support group;
  • seeking advice from specialists;
  • volunteering or participating in community events.

It is important to maintain open communication with those who support you. Talking to them about your experiences will help you stay connected while you grieve. nine0003

Recognize the need for professional help

Some people may feel overwhelmed by grief if their feelings do not change over time or if they become more difficult. If you have been experiencing these feelings for 6 months or longer since the death of a loved one, you may need to consider getting additional support.

Here are some signs that you need professional help:

  • you experience deep sadness and feel that life has lost its meaning; nine0064
  • you lost interest in what you liked, or stopped enjoying it;
  • you avoid social events;
  • you find it difficult to make decisions or solve everyday tasks;
  • you are unable to care for yourself or your children, or neither;
  • you have trouble sleeping or eating, or both;
  • you experience strong feelings of guilt, regret, or anger; nine0064
  • you have bad habits, such as alcohol or drug abuse;
  • you have thoughts of suicide or harming yourself.

Various MSK counselors can help you. These include social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, spirit guides, mental health counselors, and art and music therapists. A counselor can help you cope with changing your outlook on life, taking care of yourself and your family, and doing your daily activities. nine0003

We cannot prevent death, but with time, patience, and support, we can learn to deal with loss. Most importantly, we can find ways to find meaning in life again.

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Resources

MSK offers a range of resources for grieving families and friends. For more information on the resources listed below, visit www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/counseling-support/support-grieving-family-friends. nine0003

To find out about bereavement services at MSK, contact your healthcare provider or the Department of Social Work's Bereavement Program. Call 646-888-4889 or send an email to [email protected].

Department of Social Work Bereaved Support Program
646-888-4889
[email protected]
The Department of Social Work's bereaved support program includes free telephone consultations, support groups, and educational lectures, and recommends local social assistance resources for the community. Social workers for oncological (cancer) patients provide qualified assistance in solving the psychological, social and spiritual problems that arise in those who experience loss. They can also help solve practical problems for bereaved persons, their families and friends. nine0003

MSK Counseling Center
646-888-0100
Some grieving families find that specialist advice has helped. Our psychiatrists and psychologists work at the bereavement clinic, where they provide counseling and support to individuals, couples and families. They may also prescribe medications to help you get out of your depression.

Spiritual Support
212-639-5982
Our chaplains are available to listen and support family members, pray and reach out to local clergy or religious groups. They can also simply comfort and lend a hand of spiritual help. Anyone can apply for spiritual support, regardless of their religion. nine0003

Integrative Medicine Service
646-449-1010
Our Integrative Medicine Service offers patients a variety of treatments in addition to conventional medical care and emotional support services. Our services include music therapy, mind/body therapy, dance, movement and touch therapy, yoga, exercise and meditation classes. These services can help bereaved people cope with possible physical and emotional distress. nine0003 back to top of page

How to survive the death of parents - The-Challenger.ru

Psychotherapist Maria Sergunina tells how to survive one of the most terrible events in life, what to do to make it easier, and how friends and relatives can help in such a situation.

Why tears and hysteria are normal

“The death of a parent brings more than just pain. It confronts a person with the loss of his own childhood. It is the loss of support, a source of support, and the bitter realization that "I'm next." Often the death of parents is also the need to take the position of the eldest member of the family. So, in addition to acute grief, there is also a fear of a new life without the help of relatives. nine0003

Tears are a natural way of dealing with grief. Mourning the loss helps to express their emotions, experiences. Worse, if this does not happen - feelings are locked deep inside, and sadness does not find a way out.

Neither a person nor his relatives need to be afraid of violent emotional manifestations. It is important for the relatives of a person who has lost their parents to remain calm, ensure safety and provide support. It is worth intervening only in case of a threat to human life and health. If the situation gets out of control, it is better to seek help from specialists. You may need mild medication, but you should not take medication without a doctor's prescription. nine0003

How to accept the idea that the death of parents is inevitable

Death is treated differently in different cultures. For example, for some traditional societies, death is not a fatal end, but a transition from one state to another, the highest transformation available to a person. In our reality, the topic of death is taboo, and the attitude towards it is rather negative, it is rarely perceived as a natural part of life. It is not customary in families to discuss death, to prepare children for this. If the property issue is somehow touched upon, the conversation about how to react to death, what emotions to experience, does not rise. nine0003

Death is not accepted immediately. This is a process that takes a lot of time and has a number of patterns. Conventionally, it can be divided into four phases:

  • the first phase is shock, stupor. This state overtakes immediately after the loss. It is based on natural psychological defense mechanisms necessary to preserve the human psyche. This period emotionally prepares for the process of mourning;
  • second phase - denial, melancholy. At this stage, a person tries to resist the inevitability of loss, to find an opportunity not to face emotional pain; nine0064
  • third phase - anger and subsequent despair. This is the most acute stage, during which the emotional disorganization of the personality often occurs. It may be accompanied by accusations, feelings of injustice, intense emotional pain and guilt;
  • fourth phase - acceptance, reorganization of life. At this stage, a person begins to adapt to life without the deceased and gradually psychologically releases him.

But these are not universal stages. Each person experiences grief individually, and there are no uniform rules on how he should do it. nine0003

A person can get stuck in some phase. For example, he already seemed to be able to return to life, but he remembers his parents too often, his main topic of conversation is his parents. Over time, this can worsen relationships with others, especially a partner or children, and develop into a serious problem. It is worth sounding the alarm only if this period is prolonged and this interferes with the adequate functioning of a person. For some reason, relationships with the dead are more important to him than with the living. There is something in this relationship that needs to be completed. In such a situation, it is best to contact a psychologist who specializes in working with the loss of loved ones. As a self-help method, you can write a letter to the deceased and list everything that is left unsaid there. It can begin with the words "I have long wanted to tell you." nine0003

What will improve a person's condition and what will only aggravate

Engagement in life itself helps to return to life - communication, walks, healthy eating, daily routine, helping relatives. When the funeral rituals are over, it is important to get rid of the belongings of the deceased and put the photos in albums. This is necessary in order not to get stuck in the second phase: when a person is not there, but many objects remind of him. Ideally, repairs can be made - both actual and symbolic renewal of space. nine0003

Completely going into work or everyday life, running away from your feelings, is not an option. Unexpressed feelings continue to live inside and cause discomfort to a person - attention and memory deteriorate, psychosomatic disorders develop. However, inaction and apathy can also serve as a start for depression. Therefore, it is important to find space for yourself and your feelings, but also not to fall out of social life for a long time, gradually adapt to life without parents.

Abuse of alcohol and other psychoactive substances is a bad idea. It happens that people cannot mourn the loss without alcohol. At first glance, it may seem that this helps to overcome the emotional barrier, and subsequently anesthetizes. But it often happens that alcohol consumption is addictive and develops into a serious problem. In addition, do not inflict emotional and physical harm on yourself: self-flagellation, the cultivation of guilt, prolonged isolation, refusal of food, thoughts of suicide. nine0003

How friends can help

It all depends on the circumstances and the emotional state of the person who has lost a parent. It happens that he is not able to perceive words or listens to condolences only out of politeness, without feeling the slightest relief. At the same time, it is very important that someone be with him, although he still needs to retire.

In my opinion, the most effective help in such a situation is simply to ask if you need help and in what way. Or unobtrusively ask: “Can I stay with you?”, “How are you feeling?” These questions already imply care and support. One should not pity and treat the grieving - only he can know what is best for him. nine0003

Children who have lost their parents often feel guilty about their actions or inactions, they think that they could have influenced the situation, but did not. In this state, a person, as a rule, is looking for confirmation that he did everything that depended on him. He needs help with this.

The death of loved ones, in addition to emotional severity, is also associated with the organization of funerals, commemorations, communication with relatives, and legal issues. Here the help of friends and relatives is simply necessary, especially when faced with bureaucracy, rudeness and fraud. During the mourning period, a person becomes very vulnerable to pressure and manipulation and needs protection. nine0003

When a person gets better

In practice, it often happens that it is simply not possible to fall out of everyday life. This is what is considered the source of the problem. When someone close dies, after the shock, a lot of cases immediately appear regarding funerals, commemorations, notification of relatives, execution of all legal documents - and all these cases must be resolved. Then the person is faced with delayed grief syndrome. When there is simply no time for feelings, they are postponed for some time - it can “cover” in a month or more.

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