How to deal with broken relationships

How to Cope with a Broken Relationship

Skip to contentSkip to main navigationReport an accessibility issue

You didn’t see it coming…the realization that “it’s over” just hit you… and it hurts. No one could have prepared you for the blow of losing the connection with another human being. Whether you decided to end the relationship or it was ended for you by a break up or death, you may experience symptoms of grief and periodic despair. It is not easy finding a path to true intimacy and then severing that bond with minimal impact. The foundation of love is sharing, trust, and intimacy. Inherent in that bond is a willingness to be vulnerable. Intimate vulnerability allows your thoughts and emotions to be expressed in the context of shared experience. When circumstances no longer provide a trusting environment for a bonding love, the separation can feel devastating.

In many cases, the partner is also the best friend. Coping with relationship loss can be particularly difficult if the couple has relied on each other as best friends. By having limited options to confide in, the ‘newly’ single person may feel isolated, lonely, and frustrated.

It took work to develop a bond between two people. With that bond being severed, it will take time to rebuild. If you find yourself watching the telephone in hopes of getting a call or listening to romantic songs as you reminisce about your ex and the way it ‘could have been’, you may be holding on and need to incorporate some strategies for transitioning to your new life of independence.

Coping with the Loss

It is important to make time for the healing process. Too often, we are encouraged to be ‘strong’ and keep it all inside. This method only serves to keep the former loved one on your mind and you frustrated. There needs to be a grieving period. Whether you care to admit it or not, that person did mean a great deal to you at one time. You honor the love that you shared by validating the relationship as a worthwhile experience.
Engage in ‘self-help’ practices. Some people benefit from reading self-help books. Others enjoy creative writing as a means of healing and expression. Find a way that complements your personality and do it! Whether it’s reading, writing, or singing, expressing your feelings is a great way to learn about yourself and your current needs.
Realize that you might not be functioning at your best right now. Give yourself some space to ‘be’ without pressure or high demands. Efforts to organize the more routine activities of your life may be helpful to streamlining your energy expenditure. Do the activities that you need to and leave your remaining time for nurturing, self-discovery, and healing.
Mobilize your support system. Spending time with affirming friends is essential at this time. In addition to venting your emotions as you sort through your next step in life, you can share the relationship’s shortcomings. If this was an addictive relationship, your friends can help you avoid an unhealthy reconciliation by providing true accounts of the circumstances.
Use this time for self-renewal. When you are involved in a relationship, the other person receives your attention and focus. Being single offers you the opportunity to redirect that attention to yourself. Connect with areas of your life that have been neglected as a result of the relationship. Recharge your body through exercise. Reflect on your spiritual awareness and life journey. Replenish by engaging with nature. Renew your commitment to yourself to be the best person possible.
Spend some time each day on something pleasurable. It is important to enjoy key aspects of your life while other components are mending.
Highlight the reasons that the relationship was less than perfect. During times when loneliness sets in and the reason why the relationship ended may not be so clear, it may be helpful to review your thoughts from a more focused period.

Most research indicates that it takes about half the time the relationship existed in order to heal from the pain. Even then, many carry a portion of the painful memories for longer periods of time. Time does help ease the discomfort of relationship loss. However, it usually takes a while to feel better. Remembering the suggestions above may help as you patiently discover the relationship with yourself again.

Should you need some assistance in recovering from the loss of a relationship, you may want to consult with a professional counselor in your geographical area. Students at the University of Tennessee can contact the Counseling Center. See our walk-in page for information on how to initiate services at the center.

NOTE: This article was originally published on the University of Florida’s Counseling Center website. It is published here with the University of Florida Counseling Center’s permission.

22 Ways to Save a Struggling Relationship

To fix a broken relationship, you’ll need to show that you’re transparent, accountable, and trustworthy. Communicate with your partner and make time to develop intimacy. Getting professional help can also make a difference.

You’ve heard it a million times, but it bears repeating: even the strongest relationships face challenges.

Building a happy, healthy partnership takes work and may not always be easy, especially when there’s been a breach of trust. “Issues are a part of life and a part of being in a relationship,” says clinical psychologist Stone Kraushaar. “And the goal is to not fixate on the past, but work to create together in a meaningful way.”

So, you do you go about that? Here are some tips to get you started, whether you’re dealing with the fallout from a betrayal or trying to keep a long-distance relationship going.

Anytime trust is broken, there’s going to be a rift in the relationship. It might be painful to face, but leaving these issues unaddressed won’t help anyone in the long run.

1. Take full responsibility if you’re at fault

If there has been infidelity or trust has been broken, it’s important to take full responsibility for what happened and be understanding of how your behavior hurt your partner.

Avoid becoming defensive or sidestepping your mistake, but don’t fall into self-loathing either. “You should own it in a loving way that creates the space to start to rebuild trust,” says Kraushaar.

In a nutshell: Take responsibility, but don’t attempt to justify your actions or blame them on someone or something else.

2. Give your partner the opportunity to win your trust back

While you have every right to feel hurt and angry, there should be a desire to work on the relationship.

“Trust can never be restored until the person whose trust was broken allows their partner a chance to earn it back,” Kraushaar affirms.

Not sure where to start? Our guide to rebuilding trust can help.

3. Practice radical transparency

Instead of bottling up emotions, Kraushaar encourages couples to be “radically transparent” with each other about what has hurt them. This involves truly getting it all out there, even if you feel a bit silly or self-conscious admitting certain things.

If you’re the one who broke the trust, this also involves being radically transparent with yourself about what motivated you to do so. Was it simply a lapse in judgement? Or was it an attempt to sabotage a situation you didn’t know how to get out of?

In order to be honest with each other, you’ll have to start by being brutally honest to yourselves.

4. Seek professional help

Broken trust can take a toll on everyone in the relationship.

If there’s been a significant breach, consider working together with a qualified therapist who specializes in relationships and can provide guidance for healing.

5. Extend compassion and care to the person you hurt

If you’ve hurt your partner, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of shame and disappointment in yourself. But that’s not going to help either of you.

Rather than spend all your time beating yourself up over what you did wrong, try shifting that energy toward showing care and compassion to your partner.

Being physically apart more often than not can be rough on a relationship. Keeping the romance alive takes extra effort on everyone’s part.

6. Manage expectations

Have a discussion with your partner and set ground rules that take into account your exclusiveness and commitment to each other.

Being honest and upfront about your expectations from the beginning can prevent things from going wrong down the road.

7. Have regularly scheduled visits

“It’s so important that couples know and have scheduled visits and can look forward to those times and plan to make them special,” notes Kraushaar. In fact, research has shown that long-distance relationships where partners have a reunion planned are less stressful and more satisfying.

8. Set aside time for online dates

If you’re not able to organize scheduled time together due to significant distance or finances, Kraushaar recommends setting up regular online dates with a theme or specific focus.

Don’t just go for your usual conversation topics. Cook a meal together, watch a movie while you keep the video chat open, play a virtual game, or even read a short story aloud, taking turns.

9. Don’t let your world revolve around your partner

While it’s important to pay attention to fostering closeness in a long-distance relationship, that aspect shouldn’t consume you.

No matter how much you miss the other person, don’t forget about other important areas of your life. Keep up with your hobbies and interests — a happy and healthy relationship partly involves you being each partner being their own person.

No matter how you dice it, going through a rough patch when you live together is stressful.

10. Plan a weekly ‘couples meeting’

Kraushaar recommends setting up a specific time each week that allows you both to talk about more difficult topics, such as money, sex, and trust so that these don’t bleed over into all of your interactions.

11. Learn to compromise

All relationships require give and take. When you’re living in close quarters, being accommodating of the other person’s needs and preferences without sacrificing your own can help foster more happiness and fulfillment.

Consider working out some kind of temporary agreement that allows each of you to unwind at home alone. For example, maybe you stay a little later the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays, while they hang out with a friend on Mondays and Wednesdays.

12. Spend time with friends outside of your relationship

Spending time with friends can have a powerful effect on your personal mental health and can help strengthen your personal identity.

Remember, staying connected to your partner means having a life outside of your relationship.

13. Engage in affectionate physical contact

Kraushaar encourages couples to regularly hug each other in a fully present and connected way. Holding hands or hugging releases oxytocin which can reduce stress and boost your mood.

If you’re not on great terms right now, this might be easier said than done. Try starting slow — simply putting your hand on theirs can help to show that you still care.

14. Don’t be hooked on romance

Deep-level intimacy is about creating a satisfying and meaningful relationship that isn’t always based on romantic expression.

Sure, everyone wants to be swept off their feet from time to time, but it’s important to genuinely respect and enjoy your partner for who they are outside of what they can give you.

Picking up the pieces after a big fight can feel like an impossible task. Try these techniques to help you both move forward.

15. Use skilled communication

Once tempers have calmed down, it’s important to make sure you both have a chance to get your points across. Try to give each person space to communicate their point of view.

“Being open and honest about one’s thoughts and intentions about the relationship itself and the future can restore — or newly create — a sense of safety” in the relationship, says Montreal psychologist and relationship specialist Zofia Czajkowska, PhD.

16. Speak from your heart

In order for you partner to truly hear you, it’s important to communicate what you’re really feeling below all the tension.

For example, avoid accusatory phrases, such as, “You did this to me!” Instead, aim for something along the lines of, “When X happens I feel Y and I think it would be helpful if you could do Z to reassure me or prevent that from happening in the future.”

17. Actively listen

If you catch yourself forming a rebuttal in your head as your significant other is talking, you’re not really listening. “You’re getting ready to defend yourself or go to battle,” says Czajkowska.

“Winning” an argument is never truly winning, she adds. “If your partner feels that they lost, it will likely contribute to more distance, tension, and resentment, so in the long run, you lose too.”

18. Break the pattern

When rebuilding the relationship, Czajkowska advises to consider it a new one, rather than saving an old one.

“Seeing it this way creates an opportunity for defining rules and boundaries from the beginning.” This means striving to understand and work through underlying issues as well as letting go of past resentments you’ve been holding onto.

A lack of passion or case of the “mehs” doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is beyond repair.

19. Look at the upside of your relationship

Spend a week noticing or writing down all the things your partner does “right.”

Researchers have found that we tend to see what we are looking for. If you’re looking for reasons to be mad or upset with your partner, you’ll probably find them. But this works in reverse, too. Keep your eyes peeled for the good things.”

20. Say ‘thank you’ for the small things

Similarly, don’t just silently observe your partner’s right-doings. When they do something that’s kind of helpful, even if it’s just tidying up the kitchen after a meal, verbally thank them.

21. Have fun together

Sometimes, you just fall into a rut. It might sound cliche, but setting aside some time, even just a few hours, to go do something out of the ordinary can make a big difference.

Psychological research shows that partners who play together experience more positive emotions and report greater happiness.

Try taking a break from the same old routine and spend time participating in novel, uplifting experiences.

keep the spark
Here are a few ideas to get you started:
Take a one-time class together.
Grab a deck of cards or a board game you both used to love and head to the park.
Scan your local weekly paper for unusual events. Even if you’re not totally sure what the event entails, make a plant to go check it out together, whether it’s a craft fair or a car show.

22. Maintain intimacy and communication

Establish how to take care of each other emotionally, advises Czajkowska.

What does this actually mean? For starters, commit to giving each other a heads up when it feels like you’re drifting apart. Sit down together and look at what might be causing that. Have you both been wrapped up in work? Has it been too long since you spent the day just enjoying each other’s company?

“Commitment to working on the relationship is just as important as commitment to the partner,” she emphasizes.

There’s no easy answer here. Ultimately, you’ll need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth the work that’s required to save it from a low point.

It’s also wise to make sure everyone involved is committed to saving the relationship. If you’re the only one willing to put in the work, reconciliation probably isn’t likely.

That said, abuse of any kind, whether it’s physical, verbal, or emotional, is a red flag. Keep in mind that signs of toxicity can be quite subtle. Are you walking on eggshells around your partner? Have you lost your confidence or sense of self?

If you have any inkling that you might be experiencing abuse of any kind, considering reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by sending a text message to:

741741 in the United States
686868 in Canada
85258 in the United Kingdom

How to stop thinking about a person: 5 tips from a psychologist

Health

Author Alexander Artamonov

April 23, 2022

Obsession with a former partner or a person who does not reciprocate can unsettle, but it is not so difficult to cope with it

Dramatically broken relationships and broken hearts in the practice of psychologists are quite common. Often, after unpleasant events, the image of a person does not leave the head for a long time, and disappointment only feeds constant thoughts about him. But sooner or later, a new life will begin - we tell you how to bring this moment closer and benefit from experiences.

Why a person does not get out of his head
How to stop thinking about a person
What to do if nothing helps

The material was commented on by:

Margarita Eremina, psychologist, psychotherapist at the Center for Cognitive Therapy;

Svetlana Makhova, psychotherapist, specialist of the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

Advertising on RBC www. adv.rbc.ru

Why a person doesn't get out of your head

You want to forget about a person, but he doesn't get out of your head. You do not find a place for yourself from these obsessive thoughts. It may seem that you are going crazy - but psychologists say that in general this is a completely normal state.

Margarita Eremina, psychologist, psychotherapist, Center for Cognitive Therapy

“For a person, a relationship does not end when a physical separation occurs. There is a natural process of mourning. We can continue to have dialogues with this person in our head, constantly remember him. This does not mean that there is something wrong with us. After all, most likely, we are talking about someone significant, about a person with whom we had an important relationship, an attachment was formed that cannot disappear in one moment. If the relationship was long, then this period of mourning can last about a year. Gradually, the acute phase will inevitably pass - then you can begin to change your life: try new things and meet new people.

Svetlana Makhova, psychotherapist, specialist of the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

“A person can not get out of your thoughts because of the Zeigarnik effect. This is a phenomenon in which unfinished actions and events are deposited in memory in the first place. In the case of another person, this works if you have unfulfilled expectations from him, which either have not yet been fulfilled, or which are not destined to happen in principle - as in the case of a breakup or unrequited love.

In addition to situations related to romantic relationships, a person may not get out of your thoughts for several other reasons:

if you are involved in solving the problems of another and expect mutual help from him;
if you feel guilty towards another;
if you are impressed, intrigued by someone, but could not understand him;
if you expect certain things from a person.”

How to stop thinking about a person

The first step is to accept the fact that constantly thinking about a person in such a situation is natural, and stop forcing yourself to get rid of such thoughts

1.

Stop forcing yourself not to think

“The first step is to accept the fact that constantly thinking about a person in such a situation is natural, and stop forcing yourself to get rid of such thoughts. Often such memories and thoughts can be painful. But it is important to allow yourself to live through this pain in order to move on. It is perfectly normal if the memories can come in a painful wave from time to time. The main thing is that each time these waves become smaller, and one stage of mourning is replaced by another.

2. Accept the current situation as a fact

In order to overcome difficulties, you must first come to terms with their existence. For example, if we are talking about a breakup, you need to accept that it happened, let the person go and start living on.

Svetlana Makhova:

“It is very important to mourn what has been lost, to grieve that it never happened. Accept the fact that this person is no longer in your life. Our expectations generate potential for action. And this potential does not dry up until we either consciously give up what we want because of irrelevance, or we don’t get it, that is, we don’t close the gestalt. Suppressed emotions, unexpressed resentments, remorse and guilt often do not give us the opportunity to act: either get closer to a person or let him go.

3. Reflect on relationships

It is important to structure your thoughts about a person and make them part of your experience

Often in such thoughts a person appears as the sum of his own extremes - either bad or good. Often this picture is not true and confuses us. It is important to structure your thoughts about the person and make them part of your experience.

Svetlana Makhova:

“If you are going through a breakup, take a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns. In one, express your indignation, write down everything that you could not get in this relationship. In another column, write about what was good for you with this person and what you lost. Thanks to the experience you had with him, here is a list of what is important to get in a relationship - it will come in handy when you start building new ones.

Margarita Eremina:

“It will be useful to find answers to questions about what was important in these relationships. What is missing now? What was not said, not spoken? What are the exact moments you return to in your thoughts?

4. Let go of the thought that it happened because of your qualities

Very often, people who experience rejection or a relationship breakup start looking for the reason in their shortcomings

Often people who are faced with rejection or a breakup of relationships begin to look for the cause in their shortcomings. This is a simple explanation that is easy to accept, but it does not always correspond to the truth and sometimes only prevents you from drawing the right conclusions from the situation.

Svetlana Makhova:

“People who were often told in their childhood, “You will get what you want if you behave well, do what you are told,” are especially inclined to think like this.” In adulthood, they continue to believe that if they behave well, then no one will be able to refuse them. But it's important to realize that there is no correlation between failure and being "good." We may be refused because the other does not have the opportunity, he does not want or cannot give what he wants. Refusal is the will of the other, which must be respected. And remember that a direct rejection empowers us - we have a chance to knock on other doors.

5. Don't count on reciprocity by default

Some people tend to think that if they help another person, that person should reciprocate. But often in life everything is much more complicated, and if we do not get what we expect from a person, then we fixate on him.

Svetlana Makhova:

“A person may not be able or willing to pay the price you expect from him in gratitude for his help. Therefore, before entering into a relationship, it is important to be clear about mutual expectations. The same rule applies when you are intrigued by someone. Do not fantasize about what he meant - instead, just ask the person about his intentions, express your feelings to him.

What to do if nothing helps

If the acute phase of mourning does not go away, then depression can set in, and the sooner help is sought, the sooner the person will feel better

It's been a long time, but the grief never passed, the obsessive thoughts about the person did not disappear, and perhaps only became even more painful. What to do? Experts agree that it is worth going to a psychologist.

Margarita Eremina:

“If the acute phase of mourning does not go away, depression can set in, and the sooner he seeks help, the sooner he will feel better.”

Svetlana Makhova:

“A psychologist will help you express your feelings, find the source of potential — your hidden, but never fulfilled desires, and close the gestalt — let go or fulfill what you want. ”

Tags: psychology , relationship

Fight the "demons" within you: 5 ways to stop the past from ruining your life

Self-development

Fight the “demons” inside you: 5 ways to stop the past from ruining your life

June 2, 2016 28 220 views

Alena Lepilina

Turn your suffering into your wisdom

Everyone has had both positive and negative experiences in the past. Yes, it's natural, but often we fail to deal with negative experiences - mistakes and broken relationships that brought us pain - and they quickly turn into "demons" within us. They've been following us for years. They do not allow to enjoy life and keep in constant tension.

To achieve happiness, reduce stress, and move forward towards your dreams, you need to fight these demons. How - learn from this article.

Demons. Classification, Damage and Benefit

One of the worst "demons" we have to deal with is constant regrets about the mistakes we have made. When we cannot get rid of the negativity of the past, we allow it into today's life. By clinging to negative experiences, we limit our potential and our future.

Another such "demon" parasitizes on past mistakes in relations with people. The totality of our relationships throughout life - with parents, brothers and sisters, friends, classmates, colleagues and people important to us - affects our behavior and attitude to the environment.

People leave us and leave “demons” instead and others and how we communicate with them. These factors create stereotypes of behavior and fears that are not relevant to today.

Correct perception and the ability to let go of past mistakes, including in dealing with people, allows you to learn valuable lessons that help you avoid the same or more serious mistakes in the future.

The path to success, or 5 ways to get rid of the negative of the past

If we are able to overcome the mistakes of the past and forget about them, then we become more resistant to stress and vicissitudes of life and realize that we can cope with them. "Demons", it turns out, can also have a beneficial effect on us, forcing us to change, to look at life in a new and more constructive way.

The ability to defeat them makes us stronger and more resistant to ups and downs.

Successful struggle with the "demons" in ourselves determines our ability to be happy, improve ourselves and enjoy everything that life gives us. And here's how you can do it.

1. Be able to "see" the "demons" in yourself.

Before you can fight your inner demons, you need to see them. No need to play games with your subconscious and fully experience the meaning of the term "psychic protection": have the courage to admit the problem. This is the way to solve it.

2. Be objective.

Having experienced the feeling that you needed to experience, move to a more objective plane, try to think more rationally. Ask yourself what exactly will allow you to free yourself from the experience.

3. Look ahead.

Remind yourself that failure, pain, disappointment, and other negative feelings are part and parcel of life. But you are strong enough not to let your past take you hostage.

4. Learn from your "demons".

It is often difficult for us to get rid of the past because we do not think about its lessons. Write in a journal what you have learned from negative past experiences. When you start to get upset about your past again or think about it in a negative way, reread this line and remember the proverb “there is no blessing in disguise.”

5. Eliminate the limitations of the past.

When we constantly “cling” to the past, we limit our own possibilities, as we avoid risks and new beginnings because of fears. We think in terms of "I can't", "I shouldn't", "I can't do it". And it should be the other way around.

The most important piece of advice

Whatever the case, avoid repeating the past. "Demons" push us all the time to people or situations that restore old pleasant, but not always useful habits in our memory. We are attracted to people with a similar background or a baggage of mistakes that resembles ours. Unfortunately, this holds us back.

We fall into old ruts, repeat old mistakes, or develop unhealthy relationships with people.

Be extremely aware of what is going on around you, and do your best to avoid situations in which your past bad habits resurface.

Learn more