How to deal with abuse
Ways to Deal With Abuse I Psych Central
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If you’re living with someone who is abusive, there are ways to manage the situation while also staying safe.
Dealing with a person who is abusive can be stressful, overwhelming, and devastating.
In situations of abuse, it can be tempting to try to appease the person who’s hurting you. You may change things about yourself, walk on eggshells, or become hypervigilant to their needs.
But is this the right strategy?
Abuse in any form is not healthy, and it may be time to consider leaving. Having a solid plan in place can be the key to managing this difficult situation.
Dealing with an abusive situation can be challenging. If leaving immediately isn’t an option, there are things you can do in the meantime to stay safe until you can leave.
This includes:
- setting boundaries
- educating yourself on abuse
- reaching out to a therapist
- telling loved ones what’s happening
- discreetly documenting everything that’s happened
- creating an exit plan
Try to do so carefully to avoid detection. People who behave abusively may sense that something has changed in the dynamic, which can in turn make matters worse.
What if I feel physically unsafe?
If things have escalated and you’re afraid for your physical safety, try to get to a safe place immediately, then call 911 or reach out to a loved one.
If you have an exit plan, consider using it as soon as possible. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a tool to help you create a safety plan.
Quick exit
If you’re in a situation that’s escalating, try to defuse the person’s behavior before it gets any more out of hand.
Try to stay calm
Remember that you’re not responsible for how they’re behaving. You haven’t done anything to deserve this. This has everything to do with them, not you, so try to stay calm.
“Attempt to keep your emotions calm,” says Ariel Landrum, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Reseda, California.
“Try to resist the urge to internalize the critical statements being made about you, as well as refuse to provide emotional fuel for the fire” she says. “Try to take a deep breath and attempt to speak in an even tone.”
Try to avoid engaging emotionally
Those who engage in abusive behavior may be trying to get a rise out of you because it gives them permission to continue doing hurtful things.
Try not to take the bait.
Instead, you can try to:
- set boundaries, like saying, “If you keep talking to me that way, I won’t respond”
- maintain a neutral facial expression
- assert confidence with your body language
Try to move to safety
It’s not always possible to avoid serious conflict. In this case, it’s a good idea to try to put physical distance between you and the abuser or bring in reinforcements, if at all possible.
“While maintaining eye contact, attempt to shift the conversation into an area of the room where an exit is available and can be taken when needed,” says Landrum.
In some cases, maintaining eye contact may be challenging or uncomfortable. It might also escalate the situation or make it worse. In this case, looking down or away, rather than meeting that person’s gaze, may be more effective.
If they’re attempting to start an argument, call a third party, she adds. “This may prevent them from escalating and focus on the problem and solutions by the third party to fix it.
”
While it depends on your situation, Dena DiNardo, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, advises trying not to confront them in the middle of a heated exchange.
“The outcome of confronting an abuser could be positive, if they’re open to learning more about themselves, potentially doing some work in therapy, and are invested in the relationship with the person who’s confronting them,” she says.
DiNardo adds that if the person is none of these things and “they have trouble with serious or persistent mental health conditions and/or have difficulties with substance use, a positive outcome may not be likely.”
Instead, an abuser may:
- avoid responsibility
- become defensive
- deny the problem
- gaslight
- minimize
- shift the blame to you
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If you confront the person abusing you, it could lead to increased verbal abuse, physical abuse, and threats to you or others, says Melissa Zawisza, a licensed clinical social worker in Dallas.
“If children witness the abuse, they may intervene to try and stop them,” she adds. “If the abuse is taking place in front of other family members or friends, it could result in violence towards them.”
Right now, your goal might be to stay safe, not win the argument or be right. But that doesn’t mean you have to endure abusive behavior, either.
There’s a careful balance. Here are some do’s and don’ts to consider.
Do:
- call 911, if you’re in immediate danger
- work with a therapist
- contact a hotline or local shelter
- strengthen your support network
- attempt to keep interactions in public areas
- reflect on why you want to stay connected to this person
Don’t:
- provoke or criticize them
- become reactive abusive (respond by lashing out in anger)
- threaten to leave in the moment, which could escalate the situation
- try to appease or reason with them
- confront them when you’re alone
That last one is especially important, says Landrum.
She points out that someone who acts in an abusive way may thrive on power and control.
“Direct confrontation is a very visible shift in power and control,” she says. “If you’re in a safe place, have allies that can be present during the confrontation, and you’re able to continue to maintain safety, then the direct confrontation could lead to an intervention-style change.”
However, she adds, this is rare. The person has to want to change for themselves, not just for you. Try to be cautious, stay safe, and keep your friends close.
Quick exit
Living in an abusive situation can be difficult. There are times when it may seem like there’s no hope. But there is.
There are things you can do to help get through this. It might be a good idea to:
- strengthen ties with your community
- create a solid, exit plan
- learn more about abuse
- continue to gather helpful resources
Remember to try to take it one day at a time and consider leaning on others for emotional support.
“You’re not alone,” Zawisza stresses. “There are several places for support for you and others impacted by domestic violence. It can take a lot of healing, and it won’t happen overnight.”
When you leave an abusive situation, your community can be key to helping you rebuild. You may find it useful to attend Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) or another type of support group.
For immediate support, try these resources:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- National Sexual Assault Hotline
- National Dating Abuse Hotline
- Pathways to Safety International
- National Center for Victims of Crime
- Casa de Esperanza (Spanish-speaking hotline)
- National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center
- Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
- The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community
- National LGBTQ Task Force
Ways to Deal With Abuse I Psych Central
Quick exit
Press the “Quick exit” button at any time if you need to quickly exit this page.
The button can be found at the end of multiple sections. You’ll be taken to Psych Central’s landing page instead.
Alternatively, if you’re on a laptop, computer, or tablet with an external keyboard and you want to quickly close this tab, try using the following keyboard shortcuts:
- Windows or Linux: Ctrl + w or Ctrl + F4
- Mac: ⌘ + w
For more tips on safety plans and safer browsing, consider visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Quick exit
If you’re living with someone who is abusive, there are ways to manage the situation while also staying safe.
Dealing with a person who is abusive can be stressful, overwhelming, and devastating.
In situations of abuse, it can be tempting to try to appease the person who’s hurting you. You may change things about yourself, walk on eggshells, or become hypervigilant to their needs.
But is this the right strategy?
Abuse in any form is not healthy, and it may be time to consider leaving.
Having a solid plan in place can be the key to managing this difficult situation.
Dealing with an abusive situation can be challenging. If leaving immediately isn’t an option, there are things you can do in the meantime to stay safe until you can leave.
This includes:
- setting boundaries
- educating yourself on abuse
- reaching out to a therapist
- telling loved ones what’s happening
- discreetly documenting everything that’s happened
- creating an exit plan
Try to do so carefully to avoid detection. People who behave abusively may sense that something has changed in the dynamic, which can in turn make matters worse.
What if I feel physically unsafe?
If things have escalated and you’re afraid for your physical safety, try to get to a safe place immediately, then call 911 or reach out to a loved one.
If you have an exit plan, consider using it as soon as possible. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a tool to help you create a safety plan.
Quick exit
If you’re in a situation that’s escalating, try to defuse the person’s behavior before it gets any more out of hand.
Try to stay calm
Remember that you’re not responsible for how they’re behaving. You haven’t done anything to deserve this. This has everything to do with them, not you, so try to stay calm.
“Attempt to keep your emotions calm,” says Ariel Landrum, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Reseda, California.
“Try to resist the urge to internalize the critical statements being made about you, as well as refuse to provide emotional fuel for the fire” she says. “Try to take a deep breath and attempt to speak in an even tone.”
Try to avoid engaging emotionally
Those who engage in abusive behavior may be trying to get a rise out of you because it gives them permission to continue doing hurtful things. Try not to take the bait.
Instead, you can try to:
- set boundaries, like saying, “If you keep talking to me that way, I won’t respond”
- maintain a neutral facial expression
- assert confidence with your body language
Try to move to safety
It’s not always possible to avoid serious conflict.
In this case, it’s a good idea to try to put physical distance between you and the abuser or bring in reinforcements, if at all possible.
“While maintaining eye contact, attempt to shift the conversation into an area of the room where an exit is available and can be taken when needed,” says Landrum.
In some cases, maintaining eye contact may be challenging or uncomfortable. It might also escalate the situation or make it worse. In this case, looking down or away, rather than meeting that person’s gaze, may be more effective.
If they’re attempting to start an argument, call a third party, she adds. “This may prevent them from escalating and focus on the problem and solutions by the third party to fix it.”
While it depends on your situation, Dena DiNardo, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, advises trying not to confront them in the middle of a heated exchange.
“The outcome of confronting an abuser could be positive, if they’re open to learning more about themselves, potentially doing some work in therapy, and are invested in the relationship with the person who’s confronting them,” she says.
DiNardo adds that if the person is none of these things and “they have trouble with serious or persistent mental health conditions and/or have difficulties with substance use, a positive outcome may not be likely.”
Instead, an abuser may:
- avoid responsibility
- become defensive
- deny the problem
- gaslight
- minimize
- shift the blame to you
Quick exit
If you confront the person abusing you, it could lead to increased verbal abuse, physical abuse, and threats to you or others, says Melissa Zawisza, a licensed clinical social worker in Dallas.
“If children witness the abuse, they may intervene to try and stop them,” she adds. “If the abuse is taking place in front of other family members or friends, it could result in violence towards them.”
Right now, your goal might be to stay safe, not win the argument or be right. But that doesn’t mean you have to endure abusive behavior, either.
There’s a careful balance.
Here are some do’s and don’ts to consider.
Do:
- call 911, if you’re in immediate danger
- work with a therapist
- contact a hotline or local shelter
- strengthen your support network
- attempt to keep interactions in public areas
- reflect on why you want to stay connected to this person
Don’t:
- provoke or criticize them
- become reactive abusive (respond by lashing out in anger)
- threaten to leave in the moment, which could escalate the situation
- try to appease or reason with them
- confront them when you’re alone
That last one is especially important, says Landrum. She points out that someone who acts in an abusive way may thrive on power and control.
“Direct confrontation is a very visible shift in power and control,” she says. “If you’re in a safe place, have allies that can be present during the confrontation, and you’re able to continue to maintain safety, then the direct confrontation could lead to an intervention-style change.
”
However, she adds, this is rare. The person has to want to change for themselves, not just for you. Try to be cautious, stay safe, and keep your friends close.
Quick exit
Living in an abusive situation can be difficult. There are times when it may seem like there’s no hope. But there is.
There are things you can do to help get through this. It might be a good idea to:
- strengthen ties with your community
- create a solid, exit plan
- learn more about abuse
- continue to gather helpful resources
Remember to try to take it one day at a time and consider leaning on others for emotional support.
“You’re not alone,” Zawisza stresses. “There are several places for support for you and others impacted by domestic violence. It can take a lot of healing, and it won’t happen overnight.”
When you leave an abusive situation, your community can be key to helping you rebuild. You may find it useful to attend Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) or another type of support group.
For immediate support, try these resources:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline
- National Sexual Assault Hotline
- National Dating Abuse Hotline
- Pathways to Safety International
- National Center for Victims of Crime
- Casa de Esperanza (Spanish-speaking hotline)
- National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center
- Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
- The National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community
- National LGBTQ Task Force
How to competently respond to insults in order to stop the conflict in the bud?
Contents of the article
In everyday life, we often come across negative statements addressed to us. Most people are confused by insults, they do not know how to properly respond to unpleasant words and at the same time save their face. Let's look at effective strategies to help fight back an abuser.
1. To insult in return
The first reaction to unpleasant words is to insult in return.
This option is possible, but if the answer is appropriate, that is, it will be witty and defuse the whole situation. If you don’t know how to choose the right words right away, and it occurs to you to insult your interlocutor in response, then this is not the best way out. So you will only show that the words really hurt you, and the quarrel will not stop.
2. Make a joke about the situation
A witty answer in the first option will unsettle the person. A joking answer, sarcasm will help defuse the situation, make fun of the opponent and turn the audience over to your side. Ridiculously answering, you seem to take the position of the weak. In this way, you will mislead the interlocutor. For example, if a colleague says that you gave a terrible presentation. Then thank him in return and say that you will definitely think about it tomorrow.
3. Accept criticism
Sometimes people close to you or your boss criticize you for your work and don't even think of insulting you.
Such words are worth accepting and thinking about what you did wrong. Accepting criticism only makes us better and stronger. If the words were too offensive, think about what caused such a reaction in a person. Perhaps you provoked it with your actions.
4. Reveal the hidden goal and answer it
Any person, insulting another, pursues a certain intention. Reveal the person's intention in your answer. For example, to rude words or a mate, answer “Apparently, I annoyed you with something, since you treat me like that.” With a polite response, you can find out the real reason for the opponent's negative behavior.
5. Remain calm
If a stranger or colleague insults you for no reason, then most likely they are trying to hide their insecurity, boring and monotonous life with a negative reaction. In such a situation, you should not take words personally, but it is better to remain calm. Continue to apply the past strategy by asking the person the real reason for the behavior.
6. Ignore insults
Sometimes ignoring negativity works better than a cool and smart response. So you show that you are not interested in the offender, and even more so his senseless insults. If nasty things have been written to you on social networks, then it’s even easier here, you can simply not respond to messages or delete an unpleasant comment.
It is important to remember that no one has the right to belittle your dignity and reputation. Protect yourself from negative people, keep calm. It was part of effective conflict management tactics. You can find even more useful information in the Conflict Management online course. If you want to learn how to beautifully and appropriately respond to negativity, then this course is for you.
5 ways to respond correctly to insults, humiliation and aggression: advice from a psychologist
Why insults hurt
Any negative opinion addressed to oneself can unbalance - in some cases, both a comment in social networks and a phrase thrown after him by an embittered old woman on a bench can hurt us equally.
“When a person starts insulting you, he does it with a negative emotional message,” says Artem Tolokonin, psychotherapist, psychiatrist, sexologist. — If you have an experience inside when you were insulted, humiliated as a child and subsequently received an emotional unprocessed trauma associated with this, then you remember this experience very easily. Because the person who offends you refers to this. And it makes you feel uncomfortable."
As a rule, people who visit a psychologist and methodically work through their traumas are very difficult to offend with insults.
How to properly respond to insults
“Be smarter and don't respond to that” – this is how we were taught to respond to insults.
This is not exactly the right strategy, because it seems to devalue your feelings.
Psychologists recommend remembering this: the offender is having a hard time too. “In fact, the person who is trying to insult you is experiencing big problems at this moment,” notes Artem Tolokonin. - He himself hurts some of his history. And for him, this may be a familiar way of responding, because, most likely, he is now in these traumatic events, experiences, and therefore produces this experience on you and builds such relationships with people all the time. His own pain manipulates him. Therefore, you need to understand and realize that this insult does not apply to you.
Alas, in the era of global changes, there are more and more people who are experiencing, suffering. This means that the flow of negativity and insults is increasing. It is important to remember that for many, insults are simply a way to cope with their pain and feelings. Yes, not the most environmentally friendly and correct way, but a working one: after a collision, the offender feels better for a while.
It is impossible to avoid this 100% - we live in a society, surrounded by people, the psychological "normality" of some of them raises questions. Your task is to learn how to fence yourself off from this, defend yourself and respond correctly to insults.
How to properly respond to insults
Do not take them personally . As we said above, a person who curses is most likely immersed in his own traumatic emotions. Everything he says in this state has nothing to do with you. “You need to understand that the person who attacked you with insults does not see you as an enemy - he sees his old experience in your eyes and turns to this experience. You need to dissociate yourself from the definitions that a person throws at you and understand that this is not about you, this is about him. And then this thought will set you on the right wave,” adds Artem Tolokonin.
Work through your injuries.
Do you notice an increased “touchiness” and a sharp reaction to any insults? Analyze your past. “If insults instantly plunge you into unpleasant emotions, you become uncomfortable, you need to analyze your childhood, your life path and see similar stories there when you experienced similar feelings and work with it,” says Artem Tolokonin. - Either with the help of meditation practices, or with the help of a specialist who will professionally help you figure this out and work through your old psychotraumas so that they no longer manifest themselves in you at the present moment. This is the right response and preparation so that in the future you will not be traumatized by toxic people who currently have some kind of personal problems.
Try to calm down . Insults trigger a wave of negative emotions, anger, and anger in us, which causes an acute desire to get involved in the conflict and “strike back”. Try not to be provoked and regain a calm mood - move away from the offender, do not answer him, try to move vigorously (walk at a fast pace, for example), shout or growl (alone, of course).
So you can quickly deal with negative emotions and will not spend the rest of the day thinking about this situation. It is also helpful to meditate regularly - this practice allows us to pause between stimulus and response and can keep you from acting rashly.
Do not answer the offender. We understand how tempting it is to respond to the offender in the same spirit, but please don't do it. “You don’t need to respond with a similar reaction to those provocations that other people make towards you. Keep at this moment inside yourself a state of happiness and love, joy, and this problem will not affect you, ”says Artem Tolokonin.
Try to see something more behind the insult . Especially, it concerns insults from close people. “Sometimes, in an attempt to insult you, a person just wants to get your attention and state that he needs help. Despite the fact that this is a very strange and perverted way, many people express a request for help in this way,” notes Artem Tolokonin.
