How to deal with a manipulative step child
How to Deal With Your Stepdaughter Who Is Manipulative
August 24, 2021 September 11, 2021
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Last Updated on September 11, 2021.
A stepdaughter who exhibits manipulative behavior is a common problem that many stepmothers face. It can be difficult to know what you’re dealing with until it becomes a serious issue. In this blog post, we will discuss the reasons why stepdaughters are manipulative and provide some tips on how to deal with these behaviors when they arise.
What is Child Manipulation?
Manipulation is a strategy that people use to get what they want from others. When it comes to stepdaughters and their manipulative behavior, this typically involves them using negative emotions in order to control or influence the actions of someone else.
They often use tears or anger in order to get their way. This is a common technique that they learn from watching the family dynamics around them grow up, usually from both parents and other siblings. While it may be difficult for you, these actions are not directed at you specifically but rather how your stepdaughter has learned she can successfully communicate with others when she doesn’t get what she wants.
Ways your Step daughter might manipulate you:
When your stepdaughter is trying to manipulate you, she might engage in any of the following behaviors:
- She will play on family dynamics and relationships between other members of your household (such as siblings) and how much they care about her. If there’s a lot of closeness within the sibling relationship, it can be very difficult for her to get what she wants when they’re against it.
- She will ask for something in a whiny and sad tone of voice. This is likely the only way she’s ever gotten things from other people in her life so far.
- If you say no, expect tears or anger before long! It may not be immediately after you say no, but it’s definitely coming.
- She will try to get other family members on her side. Your stepdaughter may ask them for things or telling them how you’re not being fair (and they should take her side).
- She will make threats, such as saying she’ll run away or hurt herself.
- Or she may try to be extra nice in order to get you on her side. For example, if you say no about something that’s usually allowed, she might begin being very helpful around the house in an attempt to change your mind.
- She may try to manipulate you by playing up how much she’s done for you. She might feel like she deserves something in return.
RELATED: Help! My Child Wants to Control EVERYTHING!
7 Strategies to Deal with a Manipulative Step Daughter
If you’re struggling with a manipulative stepdaughter, here are 7 strategies you can use to tackle this troubling behavior.
Keep Your Cool
When your stepdaughter starts to engage in manipulative behavior, it’s very easy for you (and others) to get upset.
Don’t fall into the trap of arguing back with her.
However, this will only escalate the situation because she’ll be able to tell that you’ve lost control of yourself. Be sure not to lose your temper!
Document Everything
One of the best things that you can do is to keep track of everything your stepdaughter does. Document every incident in detail, including what happened and how it made you feel .
You should also document any threats she makes or negative actions towards herself (such as throwing a tantrum). These incidents will help prove to others. You may need to show family therapists or child protective services that she has a history of manipulating you and others in your household.
Engage Your Partner
Your partner is (most likely) your stepdaughter’s biological parent. Make sure they know exactly what’s going on.
Their presence may be enough to prevent your stepdaughter from engaging in manipulative behavior around you. Or they might have some advice for how to handle the situation when it arises.
Get Clarity on Your Role as a Step Parenting
While it may be difficult to do so, sometimes getting clarity on your role in relation to the stepdaughter is helpful.
Talk to your stepdaughter’s biological parents and find out what parenting role they would like you to fill. Are you a disciplinarian? Or should that be left to your partner? Are you able to make decisions about her activities and requests? Outlining exactly what you are and aren’t responsible for will help keep the peace.
Once you figure out your role, make sure your stepdaughter is aware of it, too.
Practice Effective Communication Skills
When your stepdaughter tries to manipulate you, it’s important that you communicate with her in an assertive way.
For example, if she starts whining or using a sad tone of voice when asking for something, try responding by saying “I’m sorry but I can’t let you do/have that.”
Or if she starts playing up how helpful she’s been around the house lately, try saying “I know you’ve helped a lot but I’m still not going to let you do/have that.
”
Listening skills are also a part of effective communication. Make sure you’re actually listening to what your stepdaughter has to say. Avoid interrupting or getting defensive when she’s speaking, and paraphrasing so that you know for certain you understood her correctly.
Get Help
If you feel like your stepdaughter’s manipulative behavior is out of control, or if she has threatened to hurt herself or run away, make sure you get help immediately.
You may be able to talk it over with family members (such as her biological parents) but otherwise consider asking for support from a qualified therapist who can give you guidance on how to handle this difficult situation.
Have Patience
Remember that your stepdaughter is dealing with a lot of difficult emotions, which can lead to manipulative behavior.
If you feel like she may be struggling with depression or anxiety (such as separation anxiety), make sure you reach out for help. These mental health conditions are common in teenagers and could explain her sudden change in behavior.
Relationships are built over time, so you’ll need to work on your relationship with her over the course of many months or years. Make an effort to connect, build trust, and create lasting memories.
What to do when you just don’t like your step daughter.
If you’ve tried everything, and you just don’t like your stepdaughter, it’s OK.
But you still have an obligation to make an effort with her. You’re the adult. But you can take steps to limit your involvement when possible. Let your partner handle all the decision making related to your stepdaughter. And set firm boundaries within your relationship.
You might feel like it’s unfair to have this obligation when she doesn’t reciprocate the relationship, but remember that when parents divorce there are often children in both households who will need love and attention from everyone involved.
At some point, you might consider leaving your relationship or marriage because of strain between you and your stepdaughter.
It’s best to consult a professional therapist before making life changing decisions.
The Bottom Line
If you’re stuck in a tough situation with your stepdaughter, try to remember that she’s probably going through some difficult life changes.
Do your best, and keep the lines of communication open so you can all work together to find a solution that works for everyone involved. And finally, remember that this isn’t forever!
Your stepdaughter will eventually grow up and move on with her life, which means she’ll probably stop making these manipulative attempts at some point.
What You Should Do Next…
1. Snag Our Connected Parent Challenge
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2. Join Our Free Online Community
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3. Take a Free 60-Minute Parenting Webinar
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How to Deal with a Manipulative Step Daughter
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Living in a blended family is difficult for the whole family.
A stepmother may not know how to respond if she is manipulated by her stepdaughter. This is especially true if the biological mother is still in the picture.
What do you do if you are being manipulated?
*FYI, some of the links in this article about how to deal with manipulative step daughter may be affiliate links. If you click and make a purchase, we may get a commission (at no extra cost to you). For more info, please see our disclaimer.
How to Deal with a Manipulative Stepdaughter
Loving your stepdaughter doesn’t mean giving into manipulative behaviors. Develop a plan with your partner to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated. At the same time, show your new daughter, every day, that she is a vital and wanted part of your family.
A Personal Anecdote: The Blended Family
I don’t have personal experience with having a stepchild. However, I do know that stepchildren can feel overwhelmed by the experience of living with a family where they don’t feel they belong.
Add to that the ever-changing hormones of growth and you have the perfect environment for a manipulative child.
When I was growing up, one of my best friends was a girl named Lauren*.
Her mother died when she was 10 and her father remarried shortly thereafter. Three years later, her father tragically died as well. She was stuck in a home with a stepmom who she never connected to.
When that stepmother remarried, she suddenly had a stepfather and a stepsister. Lauren acted out in the only way she knew: manipulation.
I loved Lauren because she was a smart, creative, genuine, and considerate friend. I felt as though I could rely on her more than I could my own sister.
She did not behave that way around her step-family. When she was at home, she reverted into a monster who used guilt and lies to get her way.
I witnessed it on more than one occasion. In fact, it happened so often that I eventually stopped spending time at her home and insisted we hang out at my place instead.
Her manipulation worked.
Perhaps her stepparents felt guilty or maybe she was right and they just didn’t care for her.
She didn’t make it easy for them, but they also never seemed to try.
The tragedy is they never got the opportunity to make things right. Lauren died in a car accident when she was just 18.
Dealing with a Manipulative Stepdaughter
Step 1: Educate yourself about manipulation
Manipulation is the attempt to control someone using psychological methods. The manipulative stepdaughter often relies on guilt to get her way.
She may also use lies to manipulate.
For example, she might tell you that her biological mother lets her stay up until 11 PM on weekends when her bedtime is closer to nine.
Step 2. Combat manipulation with love
I told you the story about Lauren because I believe manipulative behavior occurs when a child feels unsure about their place in the family.
A manipulative stepdaughter might think her new stepmother doesn’t love her or doesn’t respect her. She may feel like her new stepfather views her as a burden rather than a welcome addition to the family.
She might resent her parent moving on from a divorce or the death of a parent. She could feel overshadowed by other siblings who reside in the house.
A child uses manipulation when they don’t think there are other ways to communicate.
You can tell your stepdaughter that you think of her as your own, but your actions always speak louder than your words.
Show your stepdaughter that you love her and accept her by bonding with her. This is not one big, grand gesture but something you need to do every day.
Talk with her, listen to her, find out about her dreams and goals. Pay attention when she talks.
Ask about her friends. Let her know you truly care about her life. Tell her you love her every day, even when she doesn’t want to hear it.
Step 3. Stop thinking of her as a stepdaughter
She may not be your biological child, but the moment you married her parent, she became your daughter as well.
You need to communicate that with her.
She may not be receptive to it, but she will appreciate the gesture in the long run.
Step 4. Develop a relationship with her other parent
It is vital for you to have a friendly relationship with her other parent if they are still in the picture.
This may feel hard, but it is not always impossible. If the other parent is not interested in a friendship, at least strive to communicate so that you are always on the same page when it comes to parenting your new daughter.
Of course, there will be times that the relationship between your new spouse and their ex is so broken that you can’t find a way to communicate.
Step 5. Do not give in to manipulative behaviors
It’s easier said than done but you can’t allow the manipulative behavior to continue.
Talk with your partner and, if possible, the other parent. Decide together how to approach the situation, and then follow through.
For example, if your stepdaughter tries to manipulate you into letting you skip school and then tells you that her other parent lets this happen, you can honestly respond by saying you know this isn’t the case.
Step 6. Prepare yourself for the worst
Whenever your stepdaughter tries to manipulate you, and you don’t give in, expect her to behave in a very negative fashion.
She may even make up lies about you or tell your partner that you are being abusive.
You cannot let the fear of retribution keep you from doing what is best for both you and your new daughter. Every time she reacts with anger, you need to counter with patience and love.
Key Takeaways
Have you been the victim of manipulation by a stepchild? What kinds of manipulative behavior does your stepdaughter exhibit?
Tell us about it and how you have dealt with it in the comments. We’d love to hear your stories and your tips!
*name has been changed
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Frequently Asked Questions
How to behave with a stepson? 5 tips from psychologists, consultations
Galia (38 years old) 23.
07.2019
Hello! The situation is this: in the morning, after breakfast, the stepson (16 years old) gives out an opinion: it’s impossible to live with my father, you can never argue with him, not a single woman would live with him .... I was outraged by his position and look at his father ... A little later that afternoon, I wrote to him in a messenger, they say it’s very insulting that you think so, I have been living with him for 4 years, so everything is okay. He answers me: my mother did not begin to live with him, and in general it is you who are to blame for their divorce, and here WE give out the key (the late grandmother is my mother-in-law, grandfather is the father-in-law) we believe that you are to blame for their divorce ... And here I already caught the shock ... We met his father 10 (!) months after the divorce ... And for about six months we did not advertise our relationship ... The eldest son stayed with his father, explaining that I didn’t want to leave him, my mother took the youngest to another city (he was 2.
5 years old at that time) ... I sincerely love my husband’s children, I never infringed on them .. Sometimes I put their interests above the interests of my own children .. .. There was a period, a year before the death of my mother-in-law, it was as if my husband's parents were replaced, they stopped talking to me, insulted me. My husband had conflicts with his parents on this basis, and now my stepson remembered it all. In the end, he finally finished me off: if it weren’t for you, my parents would have been together, and we would have had a strong family (((As a result: my father spoke to him, explained everything, but everything seemed to burn out inside me, I can’t with him I can’t talk, I can’t look at him, I feel used .... I understand that over time everything will return to normal, but here’s how to make sure that I have a better relationship with him? ...
Similar question
How should I deal with my stepson? (1 answer)
Dear Galia!
Any person (including your stepson) has the right to his opinion, because different people look at the same situation differently.
One man behaves differently with different women: he quarrels with one and does not yield, on the other he is sweet and accommodating. A guy at the age of 16 does not yet have this understanding, he is a maximalist, he has no life experience. Why are you so outraged by his words about his father? Why do you need to prove something to him? When you disagree with him, you can simply say: “I can’t agree with you, I have a different opinion” or say nothing at all. What matters is how you feel about your husband, not what others say. Remember that every child is offended that mom and dad got divorced, he also feels guilty about this, so that the feeling of guilt is not so unbearable, he shifts this blame to another woman with whom dad lives, without really going into the details and timing of them relationships. This is how psychological defenses work. If you can't talk to your stepson right now, don't talk until you've calmed down and feel you're ready to communicate at a casual level. In no case do not take revenge on him, remember that he has the right to see events the way he sees them.
Sincerely yours, family psychologist Volzhenina Liliya Mikhailovna, Novosibirsk
Similar question
How to understand yourself? How to behave with your husband? (5 answers)
Hello Galia, I really sympathize with you in your condition... Children have their own shock from the fact that their parents have separated, perhaps he cannot bear not to see his mother and parents together. You are not to blame for anything, this is an internal conflict of the child himself. Just pick a time and place and sit down with your stepson and have a heart to heart talk. Tell that you met later with your father, after the divorce and your fault is not here. Ask him what's really going on with him? If there is not enough mother, let him live with her for a while.
Similar question
How to behave with an ex-husband without losing your temper? (2 answers)
Hello, Galia! Your stepson is in his teens, and all the experiences that were in him began to manifest themselves right now.
He can have his own opinion and plus the imposed one, but this speaks in him of resentment, anger at his father. He can't express his displeasure to anyone but you. It’s scary to tell your father, suddenly he will get angry and reject. She is far away from talking to her mother, and it will not help. But he can tell you. This is my subjective opinion. Don't overreact to his antics. Especially to complain to her husband. Imagine yourself in his place, maybe this will help you understand him. His immature, childish feelings. He will not be able to understand you, due to his age. Perhaps he has problems at school, with peers about which there is no one to tell. At this age, you need to talk to your father more with boys, share with them, answer exciting questions. After all, he is on the threshold of adulthood, he needs moral support. It's not your fault that his parents divorced and that his father chose you. It was his adult, masculine decision. I don't think anyone will argue with that.
All the best to you, love and harmonious relations in the family!
Similar question
How to behave with a man older than yourself? (2 answers)
Hello Galia,
First of all, he has a difficult age, at that age and in a whole family it is difficult to pacify a teenager, not to mention in your case, a boy can have a lot of resentment and anger at everyone, not only at you, but also on others around them, they are not yet sufficiently conscious and emotionally mature to track their feelings and behavior. Therefore, divorce is always undesirable when there are children, but we cannot make our life ideal for various reasons, therefore it is necessary to get out of the situation as painlessly as possible and without harming ourselves and loved ones. The boy is an important figure in your family, since he is the son of your husband, so the thought of establishing good relations and not exacerbating it is also in your interests, it will be difficult for the boy to explain this in words, since there is no alternative to show him, he does not know and did not feel , it is for this reason that he needs to work with a psychologist, and then it is advisable to go together to one family psychologist.
There will be an opportunity to express your feelings and desires, but first you need to prepare the boy and work with him separately with a psychologist. Offer this idea to your husband, do not offer it directly, but let the husband offer it as an alternative, not intrusively, without forcing, saying that many people solve problems in this way and that you will all visit a psychologist, since you are all participants in his life.
Regards,
Daniyar
Similar question
How to build a relationship with a man? How to behave with him? (1 answer)
Galiya, hello!
Your husband's son suffered a shock at the age of 11-12. His parents divorced.
What his grandmother, grandfather, his mother told him about it - only he knows.
Only he knows what mental traumas lie behind his statements.
With him, most likely, no one ever spoke frankly and heart to heart.
It is possible that no one asked how he felt.
Moreover, at the age of 12, he stayed with his father to support.
At this age, everyone wants a serene childhood, and the boy had to grow up early.
It is not known what kind of relationship he has with his mother, but even the fact that she was satisfied with her eldest son not living with her does not make the child's life happier.
Understand, this is still a teenager who has very little idea of adulthood.
I recommend that you discuss all your observations with his father. Let him find ways to convey certain truths to the child.
For 4 years it is difficult to say what kind of relationship has formed between you.
If you manage to align them to the level of kind and friendly - great.
It is at this level that you can talk about what you liked and what you didn't...
I do not rule out that it makes sense for you to discuss your situation in the format of a face-to-face consultation.
All the best to you!
Sincerely,
Inna Snegireva, practical psychologist in Nur-Sultan (Astana)
Similar question
How to behave with a girlfriend with whom you kissed? (2 answers)
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7 simple and 7 complex methods of mind manipulation.
Which ones are used on you? | Career and business | Money Simple
1. Manipulation of feelings of guilt or resentment
Using resentment or guilt is one of the surest methods of manipulating a loved one. The image of the unfortunate victim often gives its bearer "dividends" in the form of tacit powers and reparations. It happens that a person lives in the role of a victim for years and has already got used to it, however, in those around him, he no longer evokes sympathy and a desire to help, but, on the contrary, provokes irritation and even aggression. Because in fact, strange as it may sound, it is the victim who always ends up at the top of the pyramid in the family system. Such a person influences others through their feelings of guilt. Over time, people involved in this game begin to directly or semi-consciously understand this manipulation and react to it with aggression.
Antidote : It is best to develop a rule in the family to forget grievances.
And not to remind each other of past sins during family quarrels. It won't lead to anything good anyway. If a partner offended you with something, then it is better to immediately discuss this issue. Civilized and correct, without assessing either what is happening or the partner. Clarify the situation and adjust the rules of interaction to reduce the likelihood of a recurrence of a similar situation. Let's say metaphorically: write insults in the sand, and carve joys in marble and granite. Make it the norm for your family and see how much easier and happier your life becomes.
2. Anger manipulation
There are people who go berserk to make you give in to them. These are manipulators using what is called tactical anger.
Antidote : The worst thing is to go along with such a person. After all, if his technique works, he will continue to do this with you and with others in the future. To begin with, you will need your determination: you must not give in or allow yourself to be shouted at.
If the manipulator keeps screaming, leave. Continue to act like this in any subsequent skirmishes when he is angry, until the angry opponent learns to behave rationally with you.
With regard to your own anger, to which you will also often be provoked, it is worth developing a conscious position and rules in advance. Remember that in anger you may even be able to give your best speech. But there is a high probability that you will regret it later and will regret it all your life.
3. Silence manipulation
People use meaningful silence when they want to show how upset they are. Otherwise, in their opinion, you will think that the problem is not important for them. People who often resort to silence for minor reasons create an unpleasant atmosphere that can ruin working relationships. The silence is calculated to make you feel guilty when you realize how upset this person is.
Antidote : Try to refrain from playing along with the "pout" because if it works once, the silent one will resort to this trick all the time.
But don't be harsh with him; act like everything is fine. Wait, let him break the silence himself. If you have discussions with a silent person, listen to him with an open mind. Friendly and reasonable explain to him what your point of view is based on. Even if your interlocutor continues to sulk after your story, you will know that you did your best. You didn't back down just to avoid a silence designed to make you capitulate.
4. Love manipulation
“If you love, then...” This manipulation is designed for close people who have a positive attitude towards the manipulator. The fear of being rejected and losing love is strong in people from childhood. Many parents imprudently tried to manipulate their child, saying "If you don't listen to me / do what I say, etc., then I will stop communicating with you / loving you / taking care of you, etc."
Antidote : Love is not a subject of bargaining, but the result of a relationship.
When you notice the exploitation of your feelings, think about how much you need it.
5. Manipulation of hope
Brilliant promises often hide the desire for momentary benefit of their author. The fabulous promises of Basilio the Cat and Alice the Fox were dictated by their desire to get the golden ones that rang in Pinocchio's pocket as soon as possible. Often such "songs" lead even more knowledgeable citizens to bury cash "in the Field of Wonders in the Land of Fools."
Antidote : An Arabic proverb says: "The wise man hopes for his deeds, but the foolish one relies on hope." Trust facts, not opinions. In making decisions, rely on real experience, and not on someone else's stories or assumptions.
6. Manipulation of vanity
Little hooks that cling tightly to an overinflated ego may look like an innocent comment. Praise used in the calculation to achieve your goals: “You are great at writing reports! Surely, with the one that I want to offer you, no one can do it better than you!” Or, on the contrary, a challenge with a hint of incompetence: "Is it weak?.
.", "You probably couldn't..."
Antidote : Do you remember if you planned to make a proposal before presenting the provocative proposal? Check the compliance of the plan with your interests and capabilities.
7. Irony or sarcasm
The manipulator chooses an initially ironic tone, critical statements and remarks seasoned with jokes or provocative comments.
Antidote : It is impossible to make yourself offended without your own participation. If you don't believe me, try to be offended just like that, at nothing in particular. If you do not succumb to the provocations of the manipulator, realizing or reminding yourself with whom and what you are dealing with, you will be able to maintain clarity of thought, accuracy of wording and emotional balance.
Difficult
1. Shifting emphasis
Manipulators deliberately shift the emphasis in the material being presented, relegating something not quite desirable to the background and emphasizing what they need.
This is often the fate of the media, in most cases serving their masters. An example is the anecdote of the era of stagnation about Secretary General Brezhnev. The media are commenting on the race around the White House that took place at the suggestion of Jimmy Carter. Carter and Leonid Ilyich ran a race. Of the two participants, of course, the younger and stronger Carter won this race. The American media complacently write: “Our esteemed president is in excellent shape and was easily able to come first, and General Secretary Brezhnev was only the last to get there!” Our media wrote with restraint: “In the competitions held in the city of Washington, the General Secretary of the Central Committee of the CPSU Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev came to the finish line second. US President Jimmy Carter can only be content with his penultimate seat.
Antidote : Check the information, feel free to ask clarifying questions and find out the details.
2. Emotional contagion
This manipulation technology is based on such a property of the human psyche as emotional contagion.
It is known that a person builds certain protective barriers to receive information that is undesirable for him. To get around such a barrier (censorship of the psyche), it is necessary to direct a manipulative effect on feelings. Thus, by “charging” the necessary information with the necessary emotions, it is possible to overcome the barrier of reason and cause an explosion of passions in a person, making him worry about what he heard. Then the effect of emotional infection comes into play, which is most widespread in the crowd, where, as you know, the criticality threshold of each individual is lower and historically more ancient reflexes and instincts are included. A similar manipulation technique is used during a series of reality shows where contestants speak in raised tones and sometimes demonstrate significant emotional arousal. This makes the audience watch the vicissitudes of the events shown, empathizing with the main characters.
| Note | |
|---|---|
The speeches of some politicians are emotionally charged, due to which the information affects the feelings of the listeners, the audience is "infected with emotions", the perception of the content of the speaker's speech becomes less rational, critical and deliberate. The speeches of Hitler and Goebbels that zombified the German nation were distinguished by this. | |
Antidote : Separate the wheat from the chaff. The emotional message and the content aspect of information should be separated. For example, before making a purchase under the pressure of a smart seller or advertising, think about what goals, desires and projected expenses you had before this situation / information appeared, what specific qualities and properties of the product / service interested you, how much you really need them. If it is possible to postpone the decision, it is better to consider the issue of expediency later, in a calmer and more adequate emotional state, following the rule “the morning is wiser than the evening”.
3. "Psychological Aikido"
Depending on the presentation of the same materials, it is possible to achieve different, sometimes opposite opinions of the audience.
That is, some event can be artificially "not noticed", but something, on the contrary, can be given increased attention. Here is a good example of how it works:
“Dear mom and dad! Ever since I left for college, I have been careless in writing letters. I regret that I was inattentive, and that I have not written until now. I will inform you now about everything that happened, but before you continue reading, please sit down. You won't read any further until you sit down, okay? Well, now I feel quite bearable. The skull fracture and concussion I got when I jumped out of my dorm window the moment it caught fire shortly after I arrived here is almost cured now. I spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally. Headaches only happen once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were seen by the duty operator of the gas station located next to the dormitory. It was he who called the fire department and called an ambulance. In addition, he visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live after the fire, he was kind enough to offer to share his room with him.
It's actually a basement room, but it's pretty nice. He is a wonderful guy, we fell in love with each other and are going to get married. We have not yet set an exact date, but the wedding will be before my pregnancy becomes noticeable. Yes, mom and dad, I'm pregnant. I know that you dream of becoming a grandfather and grandmother and that you will welcome the child and surround him with the same love, devotion and tender care that surrounded me in childhood. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my friend caught a minor infection that prevents premarital blood tests, and I inadvertently got infected from him. I am sure that you will meet my friend with open arms. He is kind, and although not very educated, he is hardworking.
Now, after I told you what happened, I want to tell you that there was no fire in the hostel, I did not have a concussion and skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I not infected and I don't have a friend.
However, I get low grades in American history and poor grades in chemistry, and I want you to look at these grades with wisdom and condescension.
Your loving daughter Sharon »
In his book The Psychology of Influence, the American social psychologist Robert Cialdini cites this amusing letter as an example of the skillful use of the Perceptual Contrast Principle to influence people and change their beliefs. You can be sure that this wonderful little tool of influence, provided by the principle of contrast, does not go unused. The great advantage of the principle is not only that it works effectively, but also that its use is almost imperceptible to the untrained person.
Antidote : Learn to return yourself to the original chosen position before the introduction of external influences into it. Check if your current position is in line with your strategic principles and priorities. Compare your position before and after receiving additional external information that changed your perception of what is happening.
Analyze the reliability, importance and significance of information brought in from outside. Relate your insights to your long-term and past plans, scoring systems, priorities, and significant relationships.
4. Commands hidden in sentences and questions
The manipulator hides its setting command under the guise of a request. One Zen Buddhist parable can clearly demonstrate this:
The conversations of the Zen teacher Bankei attracted not only Zen students, but also people of different sects and ranks. His large audience displeased the priest of the Nichiren sect, as the sect's followers left him to hear about Zen. A self-absorbed Nichiren priest came to the temple intending to argue with Bankei.
- Hey Zen teacher! he called. - Wait a minute. Anyone who respects you will obey your words, but I do not respect you. Can you make me obey?
“Come to me and I will show you,” said Bankei. The priest began majestically making his way through the crowd to the teacher.
Bankei smiled:
- Stand to my left.
The priest obeyed.
“No,” said Bankei, “it will be more convenient for us to talk if you stand to my right. Move over here.
The priest moved to the right with dignity.
“You see,” said Bankei, “you obey me. It seems to me that you are a thin and soft person. Now sit down and listen.
In this parable from the distant past, we can observe direct manipulation, it only emphasizes the nature of the messages behind ordinary conversation and proposals. But such influence can be carried out by more hidden methods.
Antidote : Clearly aware of your goals and "coordinate system". It is also worth trying to find out the motives and interests of the interlocutor. In the future, it will be easier to track the tactics and strategy for achieving them, formulated in the form of specific techniques.
5. Avoiding discussion
Such a manipulative action is carried out with demonstrative use of resentment.
For example, "...it is impossible to discuss serious issues with you constructively...", "...your behavior makes it impossible to continue our meeting..." or "I am ready to continue this discussion, but only after you bring to order your nerves ... ", etc.
Disruption of discussion by provoking a conflict is carried out with the help of various methods of infuriating the opponent, when the discussion turns into an ordinary squabble, completely unrelated to the original topic.
| Note | |
|---|---|
Tricks such as interrupting, interrupting, raising the tone, demonstrative behavior, showing unwillingness to listen and disrespect for the opponent, can be used to avoid discussion. After their application, statements are made according to the type: “... it is impossible to talk with you, because you do not give a single intelligible answer to a single question”, “... it is impossible to talk with you, because you do not give the opportunity to express something that does not coincide with your point of view. .." etc. | |
Antidote : Maintain emotional calm, composure and composure. Explain to yourself that this trick is a provocation of the aggressor and will not work, since you have already identified it. You should not be angry with the aggressor himself for allowing himself such injustice. That is his nature.
6. Artificial displacement of the dispute
In this case, starting to discuss any position, the manipulator tries not to give arguments from which this position follows, but suggests immediately proceeding to their refutation. Thus, the opportunity for criticism of the position of the manipulator is limited, and the dispute itself is shifted to the argument of the opposite side. In the event that the opponent succumbed to this and begins to criticize the put forward position, citing various arguments, they try to argue around these arguments, looking for flaws in them. At the same time, the manipulator does not provide its system of evidence for discussion.
Antidote : Get the dialogue back on track. Remember the home field effect in football. In communication, "one's own field" is even more important. Do not give up the initiative and return "to yourself" and the chosen position.
7. The flow of questions
In the case of this manipulative technique, the object is asked several different questions at once on one topic. In the future, they act depending on his answer: they are accused of not understanding the essence of the problem or that he did not answer the question completely, or of trying to mislead.
Antidote : State that you think it would be best to answer the questions in sequence and focus your responses on the topic of your choice. In case of aggressive pressure, ignore subsequent questions and continue to calmly answer your chosen one or pause until the flow of questions dries up. Variants of active discrediting of the manipulator are possible.
