How to ask for a hug

Do you want to hug? Creative ways to ask for a hug

Commentary

ByAVP Education January 9, 2019July 17, 2019

Hugging. Some of us hug our friends, our partners, our family and even people we’ve just met. Some us just don’t like hugs and that’s awesome too. Hugging can be a way to comfort someone, to show someone you care, to express affection or intimacy. Hugging can be a lot of things. Lots of us who are into hugs have also experienced awkward uncomfortable hugs, where we’re not sure if we’re into it, like when a casual acquaintance hugs you when you run into them at the pool…yeah no thanks! But that’s just me, the awesome thing about consent is that bringing it into our everyday lives means we can start to find out what all of our individual boundaries and preferences are. In our Understanding Consent Culture workshop people often giggle when we practice asking for consent in everyday situations because when we aren’t used to asking these questions it can be a little awkward. Hopefully with practice though we get more confident in our ability to practice consent!

Here are some creative ways to ask for a hug to help you start bringing consent into this aspect of your life if you like hugs:

“Can I hug you?”
“Can you hug me?”
“Can you give me a little hug?”
“Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?”
“Would you like me to wrap my arms around you?”
“Would you be willing to give me a hug right now?”
“Would you be into a side hug?”
“Want a hug?”
“Want a bear hug?”
“I would love to hug you right now, if you’re into it. Are you?”
Write your request on a piece of paper and pass it as a note.
Try this: open your arms, give them eye contact while signalling towards your chest, like this:

Before even asking someone for a hug it’s important that we take the time to check in with ourselves about our wants and desires. Maybe this includes taking a few seconds or a couple of breaths to ask ourselves if we want a hug. This pause has been called a number of different things: the sacred pause, a body check or the obligation check. Of course, not everyone may need this every time but some folks might.

Part of practicing consent is learning to receive and respect people’s “no”s and “maybe”s. Indecision is not a “yes.” Our reactions to someone’s answer can impact whether they feel comfortable enough to give us an honest answer. If we react by pressuring someone or respond with anger, hurt or even great disappointment we run the risk of creating an environment where they may not feel able to say anything but “yes.” Taking time to think through our own feelings about being “rejected” can help us manage our reactions and be more open to any response. It can even be helpful to practice responses to receiving a “no”:

“Thanks for being honest”
“Okay, cool!”
“Awesome, thanks for setting a boundary”

Finally, it’s important to note that consent is an ongoing process/conversation. Having established consent for one activity does not mean that consent has been established for all activities. Just because someone consented to a hug, doesn’t mean they consented to a kiss on the cheek or for a hug every time you see them. Try to be clear to avoid miscommunications or overstepping someone’s boundary. You don’t have to be a mind reader to practice consent, you just need to ask questions and respect the responses you get!

If you’re interested in learning more about consent, join us at one of our Understanding Consent Culture workshops offered throughout the year.

Post Tags: ##LetsGetConsensual#consent#consent culture#consent workshop#everyday acts of consent

Commentary | News

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Commentary

Harm Reduction and Consent

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Is it weird to ask someone for a hug? : TooAfraidToAsk

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How to hug a girl: tips and types of hugs

If you are not aware of certain unwritten rules for hugging the opposite sex, the tips below will help you shed light on the question of how to hug a girl.

Think for yourself: a man approaching a girl with his arms wide open can be perceived either as a sign of affection if done right, or as a form of sexual harassment if made with a thoughtless gesture.

Therefore, before the girl is in your arms, it is advisable to clarify some things for yourself if you do not want the romantic act you are planning to be interpreted as something obscene. nineOl000 on the part of the girl, women, as a rule, are more jealous of their personal space and negatively about belligerent attempts to make physical contact.

2. Think about your relationship with the girl

Are you close? If yes, how close are you? Like childhood friends, acquaintances for over ten years? Are you in a romantic relationship? Have you been romantically involved before?

These are some of the questions you should ask yourself before hugging a girl.

3. Catch non-verbal signs

The girl's relaxed open posture is a good sign that it would be a sin not to use it.

However, if her body language is closed (eg crossed arms) and she maintains a distance between you, it's best to back off for now. nine0003

4. Assess the appropriateness of hugging

A hug is an intimate form of physical contact that acts as a sign of affection, friendliness, intimacy, or support.

If the context of the situation clearly does not require it, then it is better to leave the desire to hug the girl for later.

5. The consent of the girl is an obligatory element

To hug a girl, 60% of the efforts of the man will be required, the remaining 40% is in the power of the girl who makes the receiving gesture. nine0003

Real life is not like a South Korean drama when the protagonist hugs tightly, does not let go and pulls a woman who is trying to leave in tears.

This tactic may result in a slap or physical resistance in order to run away from you.

6. Watch your hands

Consider the nature of your relationship with the girl, and try to touch only the neutral parts of her body with your hands.

A soothing pat on the back or a gentle touch on the shoulder to soothe a crying girl may be perfectly appropriate, but physical contact outside of her lower back can easily cause extreme female displeasure. nine0003

7. Remember about hygiene

Don't try to hug a girl after going to the gym or after a perfect run if you haven't taken a shower.

8. Consider the length of hugs

Generally, long hugs are for people who have a closer relationship with you. Short friendly hugs are for more spontaneous situations.

Don't give long hugs to a girl you just met. nine0003

To better understand how to hug a girl, let her control the length of the hug if you're not sure of the optimal length. As soon as you feel the girl's hands slip off your back, do the same.

9. Prepare the girl for your hug

If you have invited the girl on a first date, start touching her before hugging: take and hold the girl's hand while walking or invite her to take your arm, gently slap her shoulder while talking, put your hand on her waist while walking through the flowering park. nine0003

When a girl gets used to you and this kind of informal communication, hugs will become a completely natural form of continuing your date, which you can resort to even without waiting for the moment of goodbye.

Friendly hugs

Friendly hugs are for friends, family members, acquaintances with whom you have a close relationship, or even strangers to whom you just decide to convey your emotional state. These are the most harmless hugs. nine0003

1. One-arm hug

This is the least intimate type of hug, where you place your hand on the girl's shoulder, pressing your body against her body a little.

2. Side hug

You hug the girl with both arms without being face to face, which is like a bear hug.

The girl cannot hug you back.

3. Comfort hug

This type of hug is meant to be used when a girl wants to cry and needs the comfort that your strong shoulder can provide. nine0003

You place one hand behind the girl's head and the other hand on her back. The girl's hands will most likely also be behind your back.

Intimate hugs

Intimate hugs are for people who are special to you. As the name suggests, they are more intimate and are characterized by more physical contact with the body.

Used for a girl with whom you have already established a close relationship, a girl with whom you have been dating for a long time, or your spouse. nine0003

1. Full hug

Somewhat like a comfortable hug, but with both hands tightly pressed together and bold hand positions.

With one hand you touch the girl's neck, while the other hand is placed on her waist. The girl does the same, creating a mirror effect.

2. Slow dance hug

Just like hugging a girl during a slow dance, this type of hug is very romantic and pleasant.

The girl puts her arms around your neck and you put your hands on her waist. nine0003

This hug is great for both talking while dancing and kissing.

3.

Back hug

Usually used to create an effect of surprise and spontaneity. You approach the girl from behind and hug her with both hands around the waist, after which you press her body close to yours.

A hug is one of the most intimate physical gestures you can give a girl as a sign of affection. And if you know how to hug a girl according to her desires, she becomes able to express her feelings in the warmest and most sincere way. nine0003

extraMan.ru recommends its men's forum: ask questions and communicate on various topics without registration.
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Why hugs are needed and how to hug properly

The human body reacts to what is happening around more quickly and sometimes more sensitively than consciousness. Why this happens and how to use this knowledge when hugging will be told by psychologist Yulia Gorbunova.

Our body, including the autonomic nervous system, reads smells, movements - up to micro-movements - the timbre and tone of another person's voice and decides what our first reaction will be to him. nine0003

The autonomic nervous system is a part of the nervous system responsible for the functioning of internal organs, glands, blood and lymphatic vessels. Plays a leading role in maintaining the constancy of the internal environment and adaptation to the outside world.

You can influence your state and the state of another person only at the level of the body, without words, with the help of hugs. Indications for hugs:
1. Support in a stressful situation
2. The need to cheer up
3. Lack of support or a sense of self-confidence
4. Having an inner experience that is difficult or undesirable to talk about

When you hug a person, you return to him a sense of his own boundaries - physical boundaries - the boundaries of his body. That is, you return him to his own feelings and sensations. When a person feels his boundaries, he feels more confident, feels the support under his feet, it is easier for him to restore his normal state and begin to think soberly.

Hugs also bring a positive effect on a chemical level. Hugging releases the hormone oxytocin in the hypothalamus. It increases the feeling of security, calmness, satisfaction from life, reduces the feeling of anxiety.

Studies also show the effect of hugging on the release of the neurotransmitter anandamide. Anandamide is translated from Sanskrit as "bliss" and "ideal happiness." This neurotransmitter is involved in the regulation of sleep and eating, and is also responsible for the elimination of sad memories. In addition, anandamide promotes motivation and pleasure. nine0003

And don't forget that we are social beings and hugs express a sense of trust for us. This increases self-esteem and self-worth. Hugging another person, you also benefit yourself, as your body works according to the same mechanisms and rules.

To help another, you must follow the rules of proper hugging:
1. Ask if you can hug him.
2. Ask him how he would like to be hugged (firmly or lightly, whole or only by the shoulders, head, etc.

Learn more