How relationships change over time
Why Your Relationship Changes Over Time
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It’s a Saturday.
My wife of 5 years and I are on the sofa, pizza juice dripping from our chins onto our matching Nicolas Cage t-shirts, taking in our third or fourth installment of the Cage-a-thon on which we embarked half a day ago.
It’s a far cry from our first meeting on the streets of Edinburgh nearly 9 years ago, where we got to be that appalling couple making out wherever we damn well please.
Gross, I know. But you and your partner started that way too. No judgies.
My stomach would leap into my mouth when I wondered how I’d go in for a kiss, or whether I’d shake my friends long enough to have the opportunity, or during the moment when she said “yes” to hitting up a stand-up show while she sat next to me.
The stomach flutters I get now relate to having forgotten that it was trash day, not recycling, and wondering how I get out of it without telling my wife. But we’re still madly in love and feel it every day.
So how, exactly, does the way we experience love — physically, mentally, and emotionally — change over time?
What causes the shift from spending ages choosing exactly the right terrible floral shirt for a date to ditching dates for nights in and still being happy?
When did “CUDDLE PARTY” become the new “banging like rabbits who listen to Drake”?
How do we cultivate spontaneous fun with throwing marriage, finances, cleaning, farting competitions, and all the other fun, domestic stuff into the mix?
When my wife and I first started dating, it was a charged-up whirlwind of spontaneous trips abroad, long-distance longing, and split-second decisions to spend more time exploring the world (and each other) together.
We consumed our time together like hyenas, giggling at everything the other person said and creating in-jokes at the drop of a hat.
As the wonderful Kurt Vonnegut put it in his book Mother Night, we were a “nation of two”, a secret little club that guaranteed excitement.
Nine years on, and after a few months of lockdown and an even higher number of regrettably unsoaked bowls and plates, it’s pretty clear that we are in a different stage of the relationship. But we’re still that nation of two.
This early can’t-get-enough phase of a relationship is what’s known as the honeymoon stage, and it can be pretty all-consuming.
“In the beginning of relationships, it’s natural that we feel a strong physical attraction and romantic passion,” says Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, author of Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love that Lasts.
“When we first meet a person and feel attracted to them, this ignites a series of neurochemical reactions,” says Lyn Rowbotham, PhD, a life and relationship coach in Malibu, California.
“We can feel a ‘high’ from the surge of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin that our brain releases.” Essentially, a whole host of horny, happy hormones wreak havoc.
Adrenaline and its close cousin norepinephrine enhance our arousal responses, providing that all-too-familiar flutter in your heart.
Dopamine increases the brain’s ability to feel pleasure and reward. Serotonin sends a signal through our nerves to boost our mood and sexual desire.
It’s a cocktail of sexy good-time vibes.
But as amazing as it is, the honeymoon can’t last forever. If we want love that’s going to last, it needs to go beyond the honeymoon.
In our case, long-distance love was all well and good until we had to sit down, work out who was moving where, set up a life together, and pay for visa paperwork.
If you want to enjoy your partner for the long haul, you’re going to have to embrace boring shit and make some sacrifices.
Imagine getting married and still being on your honeymoon 5 years later — the hotel staff are being run ragged by your demands, your room bill is running into six digits, and you haven’t seen anyone else you like for 5 years.
It sure feels great, but it’s not a sustainable way to love.
“While feeling completely wrapped up in another person at the beginning of a relationship may be exciting and feel wonderful, it is the relationships that rely solely on passionate love that are doomed to fail,” says Marisa T.
Cohen, PhD.
Cohen is an associate professor of psychology at St. Francis College in New York City and co-founder of the Self-Awareness and Bonding Lab, a research lab that focuses on relationships and social psychology.
“While a couple is experiencing passionate love, it is important to get to know one another on a deeper level, thereby building intimacy-filled companionate love,” Dr. Cohen advises.
“Being intensely drawn to a person can take you only so far if you don’t build a strong foundation for a long-term loving relationship.”
In layman’s terms: Stop f*cking for 5 minutes and get to know the person(s) in your bed.
“At the beginning of a relationship, when you are totally absorbed in your partner, you view the world through rose-tinted glasses,” Cohen says. And once those sexy spectacles come off, it can be a pretty jarring experience.
My wife and I went from long distance to living together after about 3 years of to-ing and fro-ing.
But the transition happened almost overnight.
We went from an idyllic picture of the other person to… well, real life, with its warts and fights and farts and families and complications.
Suddenly, we had to consider my lackluster DIY skills (i.e. I bought a hammer once — that’s it), cleaning attempts, emotional difficulties, and shitty call center job.
And my wife – an extremely vivacious, loud person – suddenly went from a 4,000-mile (6,437-kilometer) comfort radius to one reaching a maximum of 66 feet (20 meters).
We watched the honeymoon period physically shrink away from us. Reality had set in.
Suddenly, we faced a relationship without space and with wedding planning, bills, pressures, and daily hang-ups that could escalate at the drop of a hat.
The love was ever-present (and still is), but we were being tested. We could live up to the exciting stuff, but could we face down the boring necessities — or intense life events — and stay intact?
Dr. Cohen calls the next stage of a relationship companionate love.
I call it squad goal — forming a team that really looks out for one another and understands the dynamic.
“Passionate love is intense, and when reciprocated, is an exciting and wonderful experience,” Cohen says.
“Companionate love, on the other hand, is not as intense, but involves a sense of commitment and intimacy — think total self-disclosure, not necessarily sex. Having both present makes for a successful partnership.”
The “for better, for worse” in many marriage vows isn’t an empty platitude — you’re going to have to weather all kinds of shit together.
And if you’re friends-with-benefits rather than lifelong teammates, your relationship will have a shelf life.
As we navigate through the growing pains of the post-honeymoon plateau, we start to see our partner for who they really are rather than the fantasy we believed them to be. (Believe me, I am far more attractive from 4,000 miles away.)
We get used to, say, seeing them pee in the bathroom while you’re brushing your teeth.
But we also see their growth, the ways they stick up for you, the pep talks, the support through difficult times, and the development of their understanding around your own flaws.
And there’s a quiet glow of loveliness about those qualities in a relationship that surprise you in different ways than out-of-the-blue trips to Amsterdam or getting to be intimate after 3 months apart.
Still, that transition can be tough. But that’s fine.
If you’ve ever asked your partner’s (very traditional) parents for their hand in marriage in 100-degree Texas heat, you’ll know that people weather pretty much anything for those we truly love.
(If you haven’t, don’t. Poking bears is phenomenally stupid.)
It’s only after taking these knocks that we know the extent to which we love them.
Changing feelings are part of the puzzle.
Think of an impossible Super Mario level in which the platforms are constantly shifting and evolving. You both have to risk the jump to complete the level.
And you might have to try it a few times.
Eventually, though, you’ll get to the next stage, more familiar with the mechanics. And (as any ’90s kid will happily tell you) it can be supremely frustrating. But you’ll be better at the game and more in sync with each other.
Pileggi Pawelski agrees, but in less pixelated terms.
“Love evolves from the early-honeymoon, passionate stage to more mature, companionate love,” Pileggi Pawelski says.
“We can’t expect to feel the same heightened positive emotions later on as we do in the early phases of a relationship.”
When the honeymoon inevitably ends and reality sets in, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with our relationship. It just means we have to work hard to make the next level a realistic prospect.
The honeymoon phase is great. But what comes after the honeymoon is arguably even better – transition included – and we can finally get comfortable in our relationship.
My wife and I are currently in this extended comfort zone, and I wouldn’t trade it for one more second of honeymoon time.
We’ve tasted a sizable chunk of life together, having traveled, dealt with tragedy, and moved around as a team.
And the more life we experience together, the deeper our bond grows, and the more comfort and security we feel.
Which is why we can shout the word “butthole” at each other for minutes at a time. And that, my friends, is squad goals — the companionate stage.
I no longer get palpitations every time she enters a room or dress to impress. Since COVID kicked in, we no longer even go out for meals.
But the Nic Cage pizza party at the very start should give some indication of the bond we have, and we can look at homes, starting a family, getting the wiener dog we always talked about as more than flights of fancy.
And there’s a consistent, warm sense of appreciation when she sits down for days at a time to make my website or plays a co-op campaign with me on Streets of Rage 4, even though I know she’d rather be watching Drag Race.
Or when she takes time to listen to me and help me feel better about myself in my darker moments. We know we’re doing life with someone who has our back.
“With familiarity, we get more comfortable with our partner and don’t feel that heightened sense of positive emotions and arousal,” Pileggi Pawelski suggests.
“Our love moves from the higher arousal emotions of interest, amusement, and joy into the calmer positive emotions of serenity, gratitude, inspiration, and awe.”
As we move from passionate to companionate love, “our levels of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin get back to their normal state,” Rowbotham says.
“They’re replaced by oxytocin, a hormone that’s released as a result of the physical closeness we experience with our partners.”
Oxytocin, the “hug hormone”, calms you down and makes you feel more connected to your partner.
According to one study, oxytocin can also make a person consider their relationship in a more positive light.
Aguilar-Raab C, et al.(2019). Oxytocin modulates the cognitive appraisal of the own and others close intimate relationships. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6646594/
After 9 years together, it’s pretty safe to say that my wife and I have moved beyond that mawkish transition phase into something pretty wholesome and nourishing.
Although, as with any relationship, it’s not without its more abrasive moments.
The key is keeping that spark of excitement alive as we continue to deepen our bond — and that means continuing to invest in and work on our relationship.
“We can’t expect ‘happily ever after’ to just happen or to automatically experience the same burning desire that we may have felt at the beginning of the relationship,” Pileggi Pawelski says. “Research shows that healthy habits lead to long-term love.”
So what are some of those habits that can keep us romantically and sexually connected?
“Spend time together doing things you both enjoy, together and individually.
Forgive each other by talking it out. And appreciate each other and show it,” Rowbotham says.
“Try your best to be curious about your partner — ask questions, actively listen, savor their personality, and treasure the small moments,” Pileggi Pawelski says.
According to Dr. Cohen, one of the keys to a happy and successful partnership is perceiving your partnership as happy and successful.
“Research has shown that couples in stable relationships tend to perceive that their love is growing over time,” Cohen says.
“People who experience problems, break up, or are heading toward breaking up perceive their love as declining over time.”
The way we experience love changes over time. I love my wife in a different way now than I did 9 years ago. That love will constantly transform and reshape itself over the next 10, 20, and 40 years. And I can’t wait.
Making a long-term relationship work involves dedication, sacrifice, and commitment — as well as affection for the other person and what they add to your world.
“A long-term, healthy relationship can offer a sense of security together, a deeper love and understanding of each other, less anxiety about the relationship overall, and a certain level of protectiveness toward each other,” Rowbotham says.
This applies whether you’re in a dyadic or polyamorous relationship – all relationships take hard work, effective communication, and quality time, whatever their nature.
But the rewards of a long-term connection are amazing. And I’ll take those over the honeymoon stage any day. Now back to our Nic Cage pizza party, before we were so rudely interrupted…
Adam Felman is an Editor for Medical News Today and Greatist. Outside of work, he is a hearing impaired musician, producer, and rapper who gigs globally. Adam also owns (almost) every Nic Cage movie and has a one-eyed hedgehog called Philip K. Prick.
Why Your Relationship Changes Over Time
Share on PinterestWe include products we think are useful for our readers.
If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Here’s our process.
It’s a Saturday.
My wife of 5 years and I are on the sofa, pizza juice dripping from our chins onto our matching Nicolas Cage t-shirts, taking in our third or fourth installment of the Cage-a-thon on which we embarked half a day ago.
It’s a far cry from our first meeting on the streets of Edinburgh nearly 9 years ago, where we got to be that appalling couple making out wherever we damn well please.
Gross, I know. But you and your partner started that way too. No judgies.
My stomach would leap into my mouth when I wondered how I’d go in for a kiss, or whether I’d shake my friends long enough to have the opportunity, or during the moment when she said “yes” to hitting up a stand-up show while she sat next to me.
The stomach flutters I get now relate to having forgotten that it was trash day, not recycling, and wondering how I get out of it without telling my wife.
But we’re still madly in love and feel it every day.
So how, exactly, does the way we experience love — physically, mentally, and emotionally — change over time?
What causes the shift from spending ages choosing exactly the right terrible floral shirt for a date to ditching dates for nights in and still being happy?
When did “CUDDLE PARTY” become the new “banging like rabbits who listen to Drake”?
How do we cultivate spontaneous fun with throwing marriage, finances, cleaning, farting competitions, and all the other fun, domestic stuff into the mix?
When my wife and I first started dating, it was a charged-up whirlwind of spontaneous trips abroad, long-distance longing, and split-second decisions to spend more time exploring the world (and each other) together.
We consumed our time together like hyenas, giggling at everything the other person said and creating in-jokes at the drop of a hat.
As the wonderful Kurt Vonnegut put it in his book Mother Night, we were a “nation of two”, a secret little club that guaranteed excitement.
Nine years on, and after a few months of lockdown and an even higher number of regrettably unsoaked bowls and plates, it’s pretty clear that we are in a different stage of the relationship. But we’re still that nation of two.
This early can’t-get-enough phase of a relationship is what’s known as the honeymoon stage, and it can be pretty all-consuming.
“In the beginning of relationships, it’s natural that we feel a strong physical attraction and romantic passion,” says Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP, author of Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love that Lasts.
“When we first meet a person and feel attracted to them, this ignites a series of neurochemical reactions,” says Lyn Rowbotham, PhD, a life and relationship coach in Malibu, California.
“We can feel a ‘high’ from the surge of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin that our brain releases.” Essentially, a whole host of horny, happy hormones wreak havoc.
Adrenaline and its close cousin norepinephrine enhance our arousal responses, providing that all-too-familiar flutter in your heart.
Dopamine increases the brain’s ability to feel pleasure and reward. Serotonin sends a signal through our nerves to boost our mood and sexual desire.
It’s a cocktail of sexy good-time vibes.
But as amazing as it is, the honeymoon can’t last forever. If we want love that’s going to last, it needs to go beyond the honeymoon.
In our case, long-distance love was all well and good until we had to sit down, work out who was moving where, set up a life together, and pay for visa paperwork.
If you want to enjoy your partner for the long haul, you’re going to have to embrace boring shit and make some sacrifices.
Imagine getting married and still being on your honeymoon 5 years later — the hotel staff are being run ragged by your demands, your room bill is running into six digits, and you haven’t seen anyone else you like for 5 years.
It sure feels great, but it’s not a sustainable way to love.
“While feeling completely wrapped up in another person at the beginning of a relationship may be exciting and feel wonderful, it is the relationships that rely solely on passionate love that are doomed to fail,” says Marisa T.
Cohen, PhD.
Cohen is an associate professor of psychology at St. Francis College in New York City and co-founder of the Self-Awareness and Bonding Lab, a research lab that focuses on relationships and social psychology.
“While a couple is experiencing passionate love, it is important to get to know one another on a deeper level, thereby building intimacy-filled companionate love,” Dr. Cohen advises.
“Being intensely drawn to a person can take you only so far if you don’t build a strong foundation for a long-term loving relationship.”
In layman’s terms: Stop f*cking for 5 minutes and get to know the person(s) in your bed.
“At the beginning of a relationship, when you are totally absorbed in your partner, you view the world through rose-tinted glasses,” Cohen says. And once those sexy spectacles come off, it can be a pretty jarring experience.
My wife and I went from long distance to living together after about 3 years of to-ing and fro-ing.
But the transition happened almost overnight.
We went from an idyllic picture of the other person to… well, real life, with its warts and fights and farts and families and complications.
Suddenly, we had to consider my lackluster DIY skills (i.e. I bought a hammer once — that’s it), cleaning attempts, emotional difficulties, and shitty call center job.
And my wife – an extremely vivacious, loud person – suddenly went from a 4,000-mile (6,437-kilometer) comfort radius to one reaching a maximum of 66 feet (20 meters).
We watched the honeymoon period physically shrink away from us. Reality had set in.
Suddenly, we faced a relationship without space and with wedding planning, bills, pressures, and daily hang-ups that could escalate at the drop of a hat.
The love was ever-present (and still is), but we were being tested. We could live up to the exciting stuff, but could we face down the boring necessities — or intense life events — and stay intact?
Dr. Cohen calls the next stage of a relationship companionate love.
I call it squad goal — forming a team that really looks out for one another and understands the dynamic.
“Passionate love is intense, and when reciprocated, is an exciting and wonderful experience,” Cohen says.
“Companionate love, on the other hand, is not as intense, but involves a sense of commitment and intimacy — think total self-disclosure, not necessarily sex. Having both present makes for a successful partnership.”
The “for better, for worse” in many marriage vows isn’t an empty platitude — you’re going to have to weather all kinds of shit together.
And if you’re friends-with-benefits rather than lifelong teammates, your relationship will have a shelf life.
As we navigate through the growing pains of the post-honeymoon plateau, we start to see our partner for who they really are rather than the fantasy we believed them to be. (Believe me, I am far more attractive from 4,000 miles away.)
We get used to, say, seeing them pee in the bathroom while you’re brushing your teeth.
But we also see their growth, the ways they stick up for you, the pep talks, the support through difficult times, and the development of their understanding around your own flaws.
And there’s a quiet glow of loveliness about those qualities in a relationship that surprise you in different ways than out-of-the-blue trips to Amsterdam or getting to be intimate after 3 months apart.
Still, that transition can be tough. But that’s fine.
If you’ve ever asked your partner’s (very traditional) parents for their hand in marriage in 100-degree Texas heat, you’ll know that people weather pretty much anything for those we truly love.
(If you haven’t, don’t. Poking bears is phenomenally stupid.)
It’s only after taking these knocks that we know the extent to which we love them.
Changing feelings are part of the puzzle.
Think of an impossible Super Mario level in which the platforms are constantly shifting and evolving. You both have to risk the jump to complete the level.
And you might have to try it a few times.
Eventually, though, you’ll get to the next stage, more familiar with the mechanics. And (as any ’90s kid will happily tell you) it can be supremely frustrating. But you’ll be better at the game and more in sync with each other.
Pileggi Pawelski agrees, but in less pixelated terms.
“Love evolves from the early-honeymoon, passionate stage to more mature, companionate love,” Pileggi Pawelski says.
“We can’t expect to feel the same heightened positive emotions later on as we do in the early phases of a relationship.”
When the honeymoon inevitably ends and reality sets in, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with our relationship. It just means we have to work hard to make the next level a realistic prospect.
The honeymoon phase is great. But what comes after the honeymoon is arguably even better – transition included – and we can finally get comfortable in our relationship.
My wife and I are currently in this extended comfort zone, and I wouldn’t trade it for one more second of honeymoon time.
We’ve tasted a sizable chunk of life together, having traveled, dealt with tragedy, and moved around as a team.
And the more life we experience together, the deeper our bond grows, and the more comfort and security we feel.
Which is why we can shout the word “butthole” at each other for minutes at a time. And that, my friends, is squad goals — the companionate stage.
I no longer get palpitations every time she enters a room or dress to impress. Since COVID kicked in, we no longer even go out for meals.
But the Nic Cage pizza party at the very start should give some indication of the bond we have, and we can look at homes, starting a family, getting the wiener dog we always talked about as more than flights of fancy.
And there’s a consistent, warm sense of appreciation when she sits down for days at a time to make my website or plays a co-op campaign with me on Streets of Rage 4, even though I know she’d rather be watching Drag Race.
Or when she takes time to listen to me and help me feel better about myself in my darker moments. We know we’re doing life with someone who has our back.
“With familiarity, we get more comfortable with our partner and don’t feel that heightened sense of positive emotions and arousal,” Pileggi Pawelski suggests.
“Our love moves from the higher arousal emotions of interest, amusement, and joy into the calmer positive emotions of serenity, gratitude, inspiration, and awe.”
As we move from passionate to companionate love, “our levels of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin get back to their normal state,” Rowbotham says.
“They’re replaced by oxytocin, a hormone that’s released as a result of the physical closeness we experience with our partners.”
Oxytocin, the “hug hormone”, calms you down and makes you feel more connected to your partner.
According to one study, oxytocin can also make a person consider their relationship in a more positive light.
Aguilar-Raab C, et al.(2019). Oxytocin modulates the cognitive appraisal of the own and others close intimate relationships. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6646594/
After 9 years together, it’s pretty safe to say that my wife and I have moved beyond that mawkish transition phase into something pretty wholesome and nourishing.
Although, as with any relationship, it’s not without its more abrasive moments.
The key is keeping that spark of excitement alive as we continue to deepen our bond — and that means continuing to invest in and work on our relationship.
“We can’t expect ‘happily ever after’ to just happen or to automatically experience the same burning desire that we may have felt at the beginning of the relationship,” Pileggi Pawelski says. “Research shows that healthy habits lead to long-term love.”
So what are some of those habits that can keep us romantically and sexually connected?
“Spend time together doing things you both enjoy, together and individually.
Forgive each other by talking it out. And appreciate each other and show it,” Rowbotham says.
“Try your best to be curious about your partner — ask questions, actively listen, savor their personality, and treasure the small moments,” Pileggi Pawelski says.
According to Dr. Cohen, one of the keys to a happy and successful partnership is perceiving your partnership as happy and successful.
“Research has shown that couples in stable relationships tend to perceive that their love is growing over time,” Cohen says.
“People who experience problems, break up, or are heading toward breaking up perceive their love as declining over time.”
The way we experience love changes over time. I love my wife in a different way now than I did 9 years ago. That love will constantly transform and reshape itself over the next 10, 20, and 40 years. And I can’t wait.
Making a long-term relationship work involves dedication, sacrifice, and commitment — as well as affection for the other person and what they add to your world.
“A long-term, healthy relationship can offer a sense of security together, a deeper love and understanding of each other, less anxiety about the relationship overall, and a certain level of protectiveness toward each other,” Rowbotham says.
This applies whether you’re in a dyadic or polyamorous relationship – all relationships take hard work, effective communication, and quality time, whatever their nature.
But the rewards of a long-term connection are amazing. And I’ll take those over the honeymoon stage any day. Now back to our Nic Cage pizza party, before we were so rudely interrupted…
Adam Felman is an Editor for Medical News Today and Greatist. Outside of work, he is a hearing impaired musician, producer, and rapper who gigs globally. Adam also owns (almost) every Nic Cage movie and has a one-eyed hedgehog called Philip K. Prick.
How love changes: four stages in the development of feeling
46,160
Man and woman Relationship crisis
Every couple goes through these four stages: codependency, counterdependence, independence and interdependence.
It is hardly possible to skip any of them, since each stage helps us gradually adapt to life changes and requires the development of certain social skills.
Such a theory of "developmental systems" was proposed by the American practicing psychologists Berry and Janey Onehold*. Here are the criteria by which you can determine at what stage your couple is.
Stage 1. “We are one”
Signs of codependence
- Blissful state of fusion, euphoria, joy. The partner does not want to change anything.
- An obsessive desire to be constantly near the object of one's love. Partners are immersed in each other, the boundaries between them are blurred or completely absent.
- Partners like the similarity between themselves. They ignore individual differences and avoid conflict. The manifestation of negative feelings, differences of opinion is seen as a danger.
- Partners expect each other's guardianship, unconditional acceptance and compensation for the lack of heat.
- Social life freezes. There are fewer external contacts with friends, relatives, colleagues.
Minuses
- Lack of freedom in the manifestation of true feelings and desires. Relationships are often built on duty, mutual manipulations (accusations, setting conditions, restrictions, prohibitions), which lead to control and submission and building relationships on the principle of "persecutor" - "victim".
- Impossibility to imagine any other form of intimacy than merging due to imposed idealized attitudes and stereotypes. The lack of understanding that the merger at some point begins to slow down the natural desire for development.
If partners stay too long at this stage, their relationship becomes destructive. One or both partners lose the ability to be separate individuals, become helpless and dependent on the other. At the same time, once you get tired of adapting and giving in. In merging, it suddenly becomes cramped, uncomfortable, uncomfortable.
Stage 2. “I want to be myself”
Signs of counterdependence
- Partners distance themselves, separate from each other. They no longer strive to live "one life for two." At this stage, the development of one's "I" is more important than the development of relationships. Each builds its activities separately from the other. There is access to your true feelings, desires and the need for self-disclosure.
- Interest in oneself and life outside the couple returns. Each of the partners has a growing level of self-awareness and self-respect. Relationships with friends are restored, contacts with other people are expanding.
- There is a release from illusions, the connection with reality increases. Partners stop idealizing each other.
Cons
- Partners may temporarily lose their sensual attachment to each other, responsiveness. They can behave completely egocentric and compete with each other.
- Partners have less compassion and empathy for each other.
Quarrels and threats of separation can become commonplace. Everyone in a couple is trying to achieve their goal through illegal actions - indirect, hidden, manipulative. - The language of feelings and requests is not yet developed. Manipulative actions also concern children: sorting out relationships through them, pulling children to their side (there is no healthy attitude that marriage is primarily a husband and wife, children are, in a sense, guests in the lives of partners). High risk of separation.
Stage 3. “You are You”
Signs of independence and comfortable intimacy
- Each partner has asserted himself, gained confidence in his individuality. In relationships, there is again a place for responsiveness and empathy.
- Negotiations are easier and faster as partners learn the skills to reach agreements and resolve conflicts.
- The ability to regulate the distance, to set a comfortable level of closeness, to approach and move away easily, without getting stuck on any of the poles.
- Partners tell the truth at any time about their feelings and desires (openness and honesty are a sign of a healthy personality). They communicate their worldview to each other, but do not require the partner to accept their value system.
- Periods of closeness alternate with distance, which is necessary to restore independence. Already with experience, partners know that excessive independence is just as dangerous as excessive intimacy. There is a process of establishing true intimacy.
Minuses
- One of the partners can fall in love, which will cause the other anxiety, jealousy, fear of loss.
- There may be a need for a new contractual form of relationship (weekend marriage, polyamory with or without cohabitation), which can be frightening for one or both partners due to lack of guidance and scripts, and fear of judgment.
Stage 4. "Me and Us"
Signs of interdependence and partnership
- Two mature individuals who have successfully found themselves in life are firmly on their feet (financially and emotionally).
Relationships are based on equal access to all resources - no one serves anyone. Partners are equal in rights, opportunities, responsibility and freedom of choice. - Satisfaction of needs occurs through the pronunciation of feelings.
- There is no clear division of roles into male and female.
- There is unity while maintaining individuality. Differences become a resource, an opportunity to become even closer, and not a reason for attacks, open or covert aggression.
- At the level of attitudes and beliefs, partners have a new, non-idealized understanding of love and intimacy, which includes both ups and downs, both unity and autonomy. It is a strong connection, long-lasting, stable and viable, a secure attachment that satisfies everyone.
Cons
- The "chemistry" of attachment can suppress the "chemistry" of love and passion. Perhaps the extinction of sexual interest in each other.
- Everyone, regardless of sex or gender, is responsible for the financial and emotional well-being of the union.
Both partners work and earn. This can be frightening for people who unconsciously seek to satisfy needs at the expense of another.
* Berry K. Weinhold, Janey B. Weinhold are the authors of the book Flight from Proximity. Ridding your relationship of counter-dependency, the other side of codependency” (Ves, 2014).
About the author
Olga Dulepina — gestalt therapist, systemic family psychologist, author of the book “More than two. Polyamory, open relationships, alternative love." (Peter, 2021). Her blog.
Text: Alla Anufrieva Photo Source: Getty Images
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One day you wake up, look at your husband and realize that you don’t know anything about him.
That instead of a smiling classmate who is in love with you, a bald, greedy bastard is sleeping next to you, with whom unfamiliar women would not even enter the elevator. Why did it happen?
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Tags:
Love
GQ
Relationships in a couple
Psychological problems
stereotypes
Legion-Media
Stereotypes are not just evil. This is an infection that does not allow the young brain to jump beyond the idiotic norm and leads to the most terrible consequences. The Soviet years did their job - now everyone around knows how to live, with whom to sleep, when to have children. And God forbid to deviate from the plan invented by someone who is not clear. Even you and I, modern women, are also deeply mired in these strange rules, firmly implicated in endless compromises.
Take, for example, the argument so beloved by mothers and grandmothers that a woman should not live alone. Like, lonely or fools, or bitches. And what if everything is fine with you, and the husband with whom you lived for ten good years not only left, but also kicked you out of the apartment? Perhaps the fact is that in pursuit of a dubious norm, you hastily connected life with a person about whom you knew nothing. Were you happy? Or maybe you just did what was expected of you?
I am 37 years old. I am an ex-wife. I am 69 years old. I am an ex-wife. I am 25. I am an ex-wife. You hear it in line, in the company of friends, at work. And the saddest thing in these stories is not divorces. Wives leave on their own, because there comes a point when they no longer understand why they have to go to bed every night with a stranger. At the beginning of a relationship, we all want to seem better, we restrain ourselves as much as possible, sometimes it drags on for many years, until at some point our true essence breaks through.
And now it's time to get to know each other again. Women endure because they can admit to themselves that something is wrong in the family only after the whole world shouts at them about it. The same thing happens with the opposite sex, but with the only amendment: a single man is more likely to evoke sympathy and admiration. Poor, forced to dry-clean his shirts, while away the evenings playing poker with friends, giving gifts to his mother and driver. Hug and cry!
This is how it works: you got married after a short, stormy romance with fantastic sex, you got a Labrador, bought a house, mom and dad are throwing money in, you are not in a hurry with children because you are going to live for yourself. What do you know about your husband? What will it be like if there are suddenly no funds? Why are you sure he doesn't have a mistress? Is he not like that? People change, with age, and you will begin to treat change more calmly. He returned, so he loves. Well, with whom it doesn’t happen, you think, stirring the borscht.
You can crack it with a girlfriend: “I will never forgive this!” And only at the moment when a bad guilty husband and emptiness are on the scales (read: a painful search for a new partner), you, of course, will call him back. And this will be the same compromise in the name of the norm, which, alas, does not make anyone happier and, probably, with a bad and unexpected end.
My friend is a man of rare spiritual qualities. Smart Good by yourself. With a confident, say, social package - cars, apartments, watches... What else is there? For twelve years he lives with a woman whom he never really loved. I started dating her at the institute, because "the previous one was terrible." Ten years later, he married because "she was worried." He considered love a factor of global instability, so he did not go beyond quick sex with former secretaries. How was his family different from the usual? Nothing. There was no closeness and chatter before going to bed. General life, general holidays.
And then he met his Natasha. He stopped sleeping, was late for meetings, was extremely agitated, happy and unhappy. Gathering the remnants of his mind, he realized that missing this woman was like flushing his life down the toilet. He hid the presence of Natasha at home. He said that he did not feel guilty, because nothing connects him with his wife, only everyday life, and here is love and real life. I did not want to get a divorce, I was afraid of tears and conversations. But when Natasha got pregnant, he quietly took the toothbrush and left. But this story is not about him, but about his wife. She was beside herself. Offended, humiliated and, most importantly, in complete shock. How so? 12 years together, and still it was good! She could not even think that something did not suit him. Yes, he himself did not know about it until he saw how it happens. Trying to explain the reasons for his departure, my suddenly enlightened friend spoke about happiness - with a common cause, common friends, theaters and cinema, predicted that she would soon find a real life.
His wife looked at him like he was an idiot and did not understand what he was talking about. Although you and I understand perfectly well what is the matter here, right?
The ex-wife of billionaire Vladimir Potanin, Natalya, lived with him for more than 30 years. She was everywhere and always near the final school exams, bore him three children. One fine day, he rudely kicked him out of the house, leaving him without a penny of money. They did not have a marriage contract - they were used to trusting each other. “The divorce proposal came as a shock to me. I still don't know why this happened. I woke up with a complete stranger!” - we read in GQ with horror and bewilderment.
The noisiest premiere of 2014 is Gone Girl by David Fincher. Do you really think that everyone left the hall in such shock just because Rosamund Pike so gracefully doused someone else's blood during sex? Amy and Nick are two strangers in the same bed. And neither the film nor the marriage ends in divorce - after many years together, they finally get to know each other: a cheating liar and a psychopathic killer are happy together.
