Unhealthy relationship boundaries list
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Setting boundaries is an important part of any relationship. To have the healthiest relationship, both partners should know each other’s wants, goals, fears, and personal limits. Each person should feel comfortable communicating their honest needs without being afraid of what the other person might do in response. If a partner does not respect those needs, or goes against what the other person is comfortable with to a point where they don’t feel safe, that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship and crossing personal boundary lines.
- Emotional Boundaries
Choosing what to share when ready | Spending time apart | Allowing others to feel upset without needing to “fix” the situation in some way. - Physical Boundaries
Self-Care | Greetings and interactions | Personal body space - Digital Boundaries
Posting relationship status or personal details | Using each other’s devices | Sharing passwords
- Respect Each Other
Be respectful by asking what the other person what it is they want to do and by not trying to control one another. Show you care for each other by truly listening and sharing thoughts and feelings. - Have Common Interests
In order to do so, first you should understand yourself and the personal goals or values you have for your life but, at the same time, try to do things that the other person enjoys as well. - Stand Up for Yourself
If someone crosses a boundary of yours– whether it’s once, twice, or repeatedly and it’s something you’re not comfortable–then, be affirmative and assertive that you wont tolerate being treated in that particular way.
- Have a Personal Life
Outside of the relationship, each person should feel free enough to have their own friends and interests. Make sure you keep up with schoolwork, friends, and other activities you’re interested in. - Settle Disagreements Peacefully
It is only natural for people to disagree. The important thing is trying to reach an agreement with a good attitude– whether its about movies, music, favorite sports, or even where you want to go or what you decide to do together.
- Putting yourself down
Feeling lower or thinking less of yourself because of someone else’s opinion may indicate an unhealthy friendship/relationship. - Controlling behavior
A little bit of jealousy is normal, but too much jealousy can turn into needing to know where each person is at all times while also not allowing time with other friends. - Pressured into giving in
Saying “if you really cared” or “I would do it for you” shows someone does not respect boundaries.
- Letting others determine who you should be
Controlling what to wear or how to act is an example of an unhealthy boundary. - Trying to change someone else
One person tells the other, “its my way or no way” - Being held back
- Someone doesn’t want the other to succeed, or are made to feel guilty about doing things that interest them.
- Making excuses or being blamed for the other person’s problems
Verbal Abuse
It takes honest conversation to work things out–insulting, name-calling, or manipulating a partner indicate verbal abuse in a relationship.
Physical Abuse
Pushing, shoving, hitting, or kicking in anger are all signs that physical abuse in a relationship has gone too far. Seek advice from trusted adults, counselors, or coaches to help separate.
Controlling Behavior or Forced Sex
Someone who exhibits controlling behavior may also isolate his/her partner from friends, restrict the partner’s involvement in extracurricular activities, or require knowledge about significant other’s whereabouts at all times.
Threats Receiving explicit threats or fearing impending physical/verbal abuse indicates unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
Blame or Shame
Making excuses for your partners behavior, and blaming yourself for being mistreated only keeps you in an unhealthy relationship.
Digital Privacy
Controlling one another’s social media accounts by insisting to have access is a form of digital abuse
Photos & Sexting
Someone who tries to demand, manipulate, coerce, or even threaten with sending or forwarding a sext could face criminal charges.
Love is Respect works to empower youth to prevent and end dating abuse. Features Online Chat 24/7/365, hotline number, and text line.
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Go to Top11 Examples Of Unhealthy Boundaries In Relationships
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One of the main components of a successful and long-lasting relationship is respecting boundaries. While healthy boundaries help both partners grow into the best versions of themselves, unhealthy boundaries in relationships can twist a beautiful partnership into something toxic and ugly.
We all know that it is important to have boundaries in a relationship. However, distinguishing between what are acceptable boundaries in a relationship and what are not can be a bit confusing, especially when your partner says one thing and behaves differently. For example, he says, “I love you so much and I want complete transparency in our relationship”, but then goes through your messages and freaks out over an NSFW meme your best buddy sent you.
Sounds familiar? You are not alone.
That’s why learning to set and uphold boundaries the right way is imperative. Relationship and intimacy coach Shivanya Yogmayaa (internationally certified in the therapeutic modalities of EFT, NLP, CBT, REBT), who specializes in different forms of couples counseling, helps us understand why setting boundaries is vital and what are some signs of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
What Are Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries?
Table of Contents
To know and understand what are healthy or unhealthy boundaries in a marriage or a relationship, we need to understand why we should have boundaries in a relationship in the first place. When you start talking to a loved one about boundaries, they get this look of disappointment on their faces as if the relationship has received a death sentence. There is a misconception that boundaries exist to keep people out, which is not true at all. Boundaries exist to protect our values, feelings, and sense of self.
They help us feel safe in our relationships and are thus vital for their health.
Unfortunately, there are too many couples who, despite knowing the importance of boundaries, are unable to enforce them. They are unaware of the signs of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship. Shivanya explains, “People tend to stay in relationships with unhealthy boundaries, or even abusive relationships, because of the misconception that relationship sans boundaries is love. Sometimes, people are just not aware of what true love really looks like.”
Unhealthy boundaries in a relationship don’t exactly spell doom. Neither does it mean that you and your partner don’t love one another. It is just a disproportionate mix of intimacy and independence in a relationship. Balance, after all, is the key to success for anything including relationships. Here are some signs of an unhealthy relationship due to compromised boundaries.
1. You compromise your boundaries to please a person
We all have a set of principles we hold on to.
These principles resonate with our sense of being and help us build our lives in a certain fashion. These values become a part of our identity.
If you find yourself deserting your principles just to keep a person interested in you or to impress them, then you are compromising your boundaries to please a person. Worse, if your partner disapproves of your principles and you alter these to please them, this means healthy boundaries are absent and it is time for some change.
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It is natural to compromise in a relationship. Being too rigid or staunch in your thoughts and beliefs doesn’t give you much room to grow as a person. But if your entire belief system flies out the window just to please a person, then you are agreeing to conform to your partner’s need to change you at your core. This is one of the signs of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
Related Reading: 12 Things You Should Never Compromise On In A Relationship
2.
Feeling guilty when enforcing boundariesThe most difficult part of setting up a boundary is enforcing it. You will be met with some kind of pushback when you try to have boundaries in a relationship. A person who is not accustomed to respecting the boundaries of other people will have a hard time accepting yours.
If their struggle in accepting your boundaries leaves you feeling guilty or you tend to cut them some slack every once in a while, you are permitting them to infringe upon your boundaries. This could pose trouble for you in the future. After all, the only thing more difficult than enforcing boundaries is getting a person to start respecting them.
3. You have boundaries that you don’t believe in
Boundaries exist to protect you emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. However, many times, one ends up creating boundaries one does not agree with. If you are a person who loves to feed strays but stops because your partner disapproves of you spending time and resources on them, then chances are you will not be very happy with the situation and even develop resentment toward your partner and sometimes it is difficult to let go of resentment in a relationship.
Boundaries that do not coincide with your feelings cannot be enforced either. Soon enough these turn into unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
4. You don’t respect your own boundaries
One of the most obvious signs of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship is when a person does not respect their own boundaries. Just like it is important to have boundaries in a relationship for it to be healthy, it is equally important to have boundaries with yourself and stick to them.
Discipline is a quality that is appreciated by everyone. A person who walks the talk is considered dependable. You can see it in everyday life. It is difficult to respect an athlete who is out of shape. It is difficult to trust a doctor who doesn’t stay updated on the progress made by modern medicine. Similarly, if you are unable to stick to your own boundaries, chances are people will not take your boundaries seriously as well.
11 Examples Of Unhealthy Boundaries In Relationships
Unhealthy boundaries in a relationship can lead to plenty of issues that cause resentment in a marriage or a relationship.
If left unaddressed and unresolved, the bitterness it creates can destroy the relationship, and in some cases cause severe emotional trauma. Let’s be honest, no one wants to hurt the person they love, yet sometimes, we unknowingly hurt these very people. Here are some examples of unhealthy boundaries that might be affecting your relationship:
1. Letting a person know everything right at the beginning
Transparency is vital for a strong relationship. However, there is a thin line between being honest and oversharing. If these lines are getting blurry on the first date then you might be rushing into a relationship, and that is one of the signs of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
Oversharing all at once can be very dicey and a major turn-off for people. A personal story here and there is fine, but when you share all your personal details right at the beginning it leaves you exposed to hurt and betrayal. Being overly trusting can lead to unhealthy attachments and that never bodes well for anyone involved.
A partner should be patient enough to want to get to know you over time. It makes for a stable relationship.
2. Being sexual for someone else instead of yourself
It is not necessary that emotional intimacy should lead to sexual activity. Nevertheless, there is no denying that sex plays a very important role in romantic relationships and the first rule of a healthy sexual relationship is that it needs to be consensual.
Indulging in sexual activities against your wish just for the sake of your partner’s pleasure or out of fear of abandonment or ill-treatment are signs of an unhealthy relationship. Your body is yours and yours alone, and you should not allow someone to be physically intimate with you against your will.
3. Someone else dictates your life
Vanessa loved her boyfriend, Martin, from the bottom of her heart. Yet for the past couple of months, she had been feeling a bit stifled. It seemed, as days went by, Martin became more and more demanding of her time and energy.
It started with little things like picking out her clothes for her or asking her to change if he didn’t like what she was wearing. Before long, he was telling her which of her friends she should be talking to. If she disagreed, he would stonewall her or throw things around.
When Martin went down on one knee to propose to Vanessa, she gave their relationship serious thought and realized that Martin was already dictating how she should live her life. She realized if she did marry Martin, there would be a lot of unhealthy boundaries in their marriage. She told Martin how she felt and they decided to go to counseling together to try and solve their relationship issues. Fortunately, Martin and Vanessa saw where they were going wrong and were able to fix their relationship.
4. A sign of unhealthy boundaries: Touch
One would think this is an obvious boundary people will not cross easily and will respect, especially in a relationship. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
Some people struggle to maintain this boundary. Either they want to be loved or sometimes it is just that the person has a hard time saying no.
If you are wondering what are acceptable boundaries in a relationship, then touch is a very important criterion. Some people are more comfortable with being physical than others. And it is completely fine if you are not comfortable with someone’s touch. And if you are unable to enforce this or your partner doesn’t respect this decision, then this is an example of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
Related Reading: My girlfriend of two years does not like even light physical touches
5. You fall in love easily
A strong and healthy relationship is not built in a day. It takes time and effort to build a strong foundation for love to grow. If you find yourself easily falling for a person within a couple of days or as soon as you establish a connection with that person, it is a sign of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
The beginning of any relationship can be very exciting and intense but the connection that you are feeling when texting or calling doesn’t equate to truly getting to know a person. If you notice a pattern where you keep developing feelings for people easily, you need to make boundaries to protect yourself from harmful relationships.
6. The push and pull
Anna couldn’t figure out Damon at all. One moment, he would be in a good mood humming as he cooked, and the next, he would be raging around like a fire-breathing dragon. These mood swings were so regular that Anna felt her relationship had become a roller coaster ride. Damon would refuse to hang out with her, and then, randomly land on her doorstep with a bouquet of roses.
While this might sound cute to a lot of people, facing this every day can be frustrating and can leave one feeling played. A lot of narcissists use this kind of emotional manipulation in relationships to confuse a person, keeping them on their toes and seeking their constant approval so that they are unable to enforce boundaries.
7. Expecting others to anticipate your needs
When you are in a relationship for a long time, you and your partner will get attuned to each other. Soon, you will be able to guess how your partner would react in a given situation and vice versa. However, no matter how long a time you have spent with each other, you cannot anticipate all your partner’s needs all of the time.
Similarly, expecting others to anticipate your needs without you communicating them is not possible. We are all different people with different sets of beliefs and ways of functioning, which makes it virtually impossible for anyone to guess your every thought and want.
8. Falling apart so that someone can take care of you
There is no denying that everyone likes to be pampered. Having someone else take care of you feels good. You feel that you are loved and you enjoy it. But if you tend to break down easily with the intention that someone else takes over and handles everything for you, then take note that this is one of the unmistakable signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Many of us are strong and independent and can take care of ourselves. To fall apart just so someone else can take care of us builds the victim mindset. As a result, you are dependent on other people’s presence to bring happiness to your life. Remember to love yourself first. After all, our happiness is our responsibility and no one else’s.
9. Lack of respect for privacy
Privacy is a basic necessity for every person, irrelevant of their relationship. Be it a parent, a child, a couple or a sibling, we all need our privacy. When a person is not capable of respecting that, it is a major red flag in the relationship.
One can tell a lot about a person by what they value. If a person is unable to value your privacy, do you think they will be able to respect much else?
Related Reading: Drawing The Line Between Love And Privacy In A Relationship
10. You are attached at the hip
Does he always find ways to tag along with you on every occasion? So much so that you find yourself hanging out with him 24/7? Does it feel that she is unable to function properly without you present? And, when you bring it up in conversation, your partner gets offended and upset? These are all examples of unhealthy boundaries in a relationship.
Sure, it feels good to be wanted, there is no denying that. But when a person wants to spend every waking hour with you, that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Every person deserves an identity of their own. It is healthy to have a life outside of your relationship, otherwise, this constant togetherness can give rise to resentment in the future.
11. Not noticing when your boundaries are being infringed upon and vice versa
It is very flattering to be on the receiving end of someone’s undivided attention. To be on someone’s mind 24/7 and have them worship the ground you walk on. Them knowing exactly how they feel about you, how they see you in their life from day 1, the intensity of their feeling toward you can be very thrilling and intoxicating indeed. But it is also a major relationship red flag and there is a reason for that.
While the chemistry in such relationships can seem very potent, more often than not, one of the partners tends to get controlling.
They expect your undivided attention and anything short of that makes them insecure. At this point, you begin to see signs of unhealthy boundaries in a marriage or an intimate relationship, and from there, things just keep going downhill.
No relationship is perfect. No human being is perfect. We all have our own set of flaws to work on. The reason why so many of us are in unhealthy relationships with someone or even ourselves is that we are not trained to recognize the signs of a healthy relationship. Relationships around us, be in the media or our families, normalize unhealthy boundaries in a relationship. A child who has been brought up in an abusive family would think that is the way of life. It is now known that abusive adults were once abused in their childhood.
The only way out of this is to recognize and unlearn unhealthy behaviours. Seek professional help to understand the core of your issue. With the help of Bonobology’s panel of experienced therapists, a healthy relationship is a click away.
Isn’t that all we want?
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What is an unhealthy relationship? By what signs can you understand that codependency is between you? How can you tell a healthy attachment from an unhealthy one?
15 April 2022
15.04
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At the beginning of close contact, at the dawn of falling in love, all the features of another person seem sweet to us, and if we don’t like something, then we have no doubt that we can change it with our love and affection. It is difficult to recognize unhealthy relationships behind rose-colored glasses. Rudeness, conflict, nit-picking, and maybe even humiliation - for the time being, we simply do not see it.
But every day, unhealthy relationships poison our lives. In this article, we will indicate the signs of an unhealthy relationship between a man and a woman, we will analyze the problems in relationships from the point of view of psychology.
Article content
- Relationship difficulties. Signs of a Bad Relationship
- Reasons for unhealthy relationships
- Who is at risk?
- How to get out of an unhealthy relationship
- FAQ
- Expert opinion
Relationship difficulties.
Signs of a Bad Relationship Unhealthy relationships can be between any people: between a man and a woman, parents and children, colleagues, friends, etc. A common feature of an exhausting relationship is glut, anxiety, dissatisfaction with a partner, reproaches, total control.
In this article, we will deal more specifically with partnerships and family relationships between a man and a woman. When the spouses live side by side for a long time, then over time the boundary of the individuality of each of them is “erased”, personal space disappears, there is no opportunity to be alone with oneself, even the closest contact becomes boring.
During the “candy-bouquet” period, couples, as a rule, do not need personal space. But over time, this is an individual territory and time spent separately from each other becomes a necessity. A short distance is not a hindrance to normal affection, even, on the contrary, after leisure apart, you will want to share new impressions, there will be a “novelty” of the meeting, mutual interest.
Oppressive relationships are based on negative attitudes, destructive thoughts and actions of one or both partners - there is a feeling of emptiness, that problems are not solved, that everything depends on one person, the desire to shed the “burden” of responsibility, etc.
Sick relationships between a man and a woman are characterized by the following features:
- total control of one of the partners (viewing the phone, social networks, correspondence, constant questions)
- jealousy "out of the blue" and distrust
- overprotectiveness and excessive care, obsession from which it is difficult to get rid of
- the desire to please a partner with everything, even if it goes against one's own desires and principles
- manipulation and blackmail by partner
- threats, abusive behavior, constant criticism and aggression
- full immersion in the life of a partner, when one forgets to take care of himself, think about his needs
- adjusting one's behavior to the partner's mood, avoiding conflict by any means
Important! Low self-esteem, misplaced personal boundaries, inability to stand up for oneself, and overprotective parenting in childhood can be a "trigger" for the development of unhealthy attachments in adulthood.
Often a person applies the same scheme and model of behavior that he saw in childhood and in his own family.
Causes of unhealthy relationships
The development of abnormal relationships occurs because one of the partners has such a model of behavior since childhood. Psychologists have proven that in a child who grew up in an incomplete family, or if one of the parents was addicted to alcohol, drugs, etc., or the parents were in co-dependent proximity, unhealthy relationships will be perceived as the norm.
In the future, just such an example from parents will be broadcast on his love and family relationships.
Also, destructive relationships can be formed due to:
- low self-esteem
- the presence of any complexes (both physically and psychologically)
- neglect, lack of attention, indifference from parents and relatives, or, conversely, excessive aggression, tyranny, ignoring children's desires and aspirations
- lack of independence, inability to make decisions and be responsible for them, infantilism
If communication and contact with a partner disturbs you, you begin to notice excessive pressure, guardianship and control, if you are afraid of being abandoned, therefore you endure psychological and physical abuse, then you urgently need to get a psychologist's consultation.
Our doctors are in touch with you around the clock - they will help you deal with unhealthy relationships at any time, tell you how to get out of codependency, how to work through fears and negative attitudes.
Who is at risk?
Anyone can fall into the trap of an unhealthy attachment. Of course, a mentally healthy and balanced adult is less likely to enter into abusive and destructive relationships. But this does not mean that he will never fall into such an alliance.
Most often, it is girls who are fascinated by their new chosen one from the first meetings, dissolve in it, seeing only the beautiful, turn off critical thinking and do not respond to the “first bells”.
Often girls want a man to take responsibility, decide everything for the girl, be a man "as I decided, so be it." At first, this will be perceived as a characteristic of a “dream” man, but later it can result in total control, suppression of the personality, and manipulation.
Anyone can get into unhealthy relationships (and not necessarily love ones). But still more chances for those who:
- Subjected to violence or any violent acts. The child's psyche is unable to cope with psychological trauma, therefore, growing up, adults broadcast this form of relationship as the norm.
- Has low self-esteem and various complexes. In this case, the attachment, which becomes unbearable, is perceived by the insecure partner as a punishment for his worthlessness, confirm the list of his shortcomings.
- It has some pathologies of mental development and psychological characteristics of character. People with atypical behavior in society, as well as those who are prone to panic attacks, emotional disorders often themselves become a victim of unhealthy relationships or, conversely, an aggressor for their partner.
Read also Codependency. How to recognize a sick relationship.
How to get out of unhealthy relationships
It is often very difficult to get out of a severe unhealthy attachment on your own. A person with a destroyed nervous system and low self-esteem will first need the help of a psychologist.
Here are a few steps you can start taking to get out of a codependent relationship. Remember that this is a long work and there may not be instant results. But each step will help you stabilize your emotional background and reduce your suffering.
| What can be done | What to pay attention to |
| Start with self-diagnosis | Recognition of the fact of addiction is already a big step towards a healthy psyche. Honestly answer yourself a few questions - "At what stage did everything start to change"? "What did you miss in communication"? |
| Think about your wants and needs | While you were in a destructive union, you probably forgot about yourself. |
| Read books on personal boundaries | To build harmonious connection and intimacy in the future, you will need to learn how to build your own boundaries. |
| Start a diary | Write down your feelings, sensations, experiences, mood changes in it. In a word, everything that can return you to an unhealthy addiction. Read your notes periodically and note which way you were able to go. |
| Write down your strengths, your skills and abilities. Make a plan for further action with them in mind. | It is not your fault that you have fallen into an unhealthy addiction. Everything is so with you, even if you were told otherwise. |
| Feel free to ask for help. | If you understand that it is difficult for you, seek help from your friends and loved ones. But it is better to immediately see a psychologist. It's okay, no one will make fun of you. This is a bold decision, and even more so for you as a victim of an unhealthy attachment. |
Go back and think about your interests, wants and needs. Make a list and start slowly implementing it. Start with those desires that do not require much moral effort and money. Crossed out desire will be the motivation for further movements. 
You deserve more and better, so in order to achieve this, you must be aware of your best qualities and strengths. Praise yourself! If you put your partner's interests above yours, you are afraid to talk about "hot topics" just so as not to arouse his anger, if you depend on your partner's mood, then your relationship is unhealthy. Our psychologists at any time of the day will advise you on any issues, help you get out of the state of the victim and restore mental health.
FAQ
Can hostile relationships be unhealthy?
+
Yes they can.
Any relationship, even with people with whom you have little in common and with whom you are not friends, can be unhealthy.
How to understand that the relationship has become a burden?
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According to my own feelings. Answer honestly the question: “Did you have more problems or fewer problems over time”? If your mood changes, jealousy arises, you think that something is being hidden from you, your values and desires no longer coincide, then most likely the relationship will develop into difficult ones.
How to get out of an abusive relationship?
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It is quite difficult to stop such interaction. Especially if your nervous system is already exhausted, and the boundaries are violated. First of all, you need the help of a psychologist. He will give further recommendations that you can follow on your own.
If the spouse shows aggression - is it a sick relationship? most part of time?
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If he does this most of the time, and at the same time you experience constant tension and try to "dig into yourself", then yes - your union is far from normal.
A sudden and inexplicable change in behavior is a sign of abuse.
Expert opinion
If, after reading this article, you have found several signs of unhealthy attachment in yourself, then try to understand the reason for their occurrence and assess how much you have suffered in them. Of course, it is unpleasant to admit that once wonderful feelings have turned into serious problems. Remember that the situation is fixable. In severe cases, you will find it difficult to manage on your own, so do not hesitate to seek help. A competent psychologist will help you work through negative scenarios and find out the true cause of the exhausting relationship.
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Article author
Monakhova Albina Petrovna clinical psychologist
Experience 17 years
Consultations 1439
Articles 255
Specialist in clinical psychology.
Help in finding tools for self-realization, working out beliefs, fears and anxieties. Work with self-attitude, internal boundaries, understanding of interaction with society through conscious personal changes.
- 2007 - 2008 Children's polyclinic No. 4 - teacher psychologist
- 2008 - 2009Healthy Country LLC - Clinical Psychologist
- 2009 - 2021 Republican Narcological Dispensary - psychologist
- 2012 - 2013 Occupational medicine - psychologist
- 2013 - 2015 LLC Vozrozhdenie - psychologist
- 2019 to present Teledoctor24 LLC - psychologist
Sources
- ... Robin Norwood Women Who Love Too Much
- ... Robert Hemfelt, Frank Mienert, Paul Mayer Choosing Love (Codependency Fight)
- .
.. Olga Shorokhova Life traps of addiction and codependency
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How to identify dependent relationships
05.05.2020
Love is a wonderful feeling, but sometimes people confuse love with neurotic addiction.
All people, as you know, are constantly in social relationships.
We enter into these relationships all the time: when we communicate with our family, when we enter into friendships, when we contact other people in transport or in the store, when we are in a working relationship, and of course, when we find a mate.
Dependent relationship is a special state of mind when the emotions of one person are so strongly connected with the behavior of another that he can no longer control himself, his feelings and behavior. Absolutely everything: dreams, desires, goals, the meaning of life, is connected with the object of unhealthy “love”. The latter acts as a manipulator and either consciously or subconsciously develops in the "victim" dependence on himself.
The reason why a person is inclined to enter into a dependent relationship may lie in low self-esteem, lack of concentration on one's own "I", ideas about unconditional love, or in the usual example of close relationships.
In psychology there is such a thing as a manipulatory triangle.
It consists of Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer . Its creator, oddly enough, is always Victim .
This is a person who has shifted responsibility for his life to others, and sincerely believes that the Persecutor is the cause of all her failures, the root of all evil in her life. Usually in such relationships there is also the so-called Rescuer .
This game is destructive, but there is a certain "benefit" for all participants in it . Otherwise, they would not have participated in it. Remember that you can always voluntarily leave the wrong relationship.
Basically, it is the behavior of the family of origin that influences what kind of relationships we choose as adults. For example, if in the parental family it was “accepted” to speak in raised tones, assault or elements of psychological violence, then the child in this family forms the idea that true love is impossible without such manifestations.
Finding the right "partner", who most likely received a similar experience of family relationships in childhood, one enters into a kind of psychological game, constantly switching roles between the Victim, the Persecutor and the Rescuer. At the same time, it is difficult for both of them in these relations, but they cannot refuse them for a number of reasons: they do not know how to do it differently, or they get a kind of pleasure from being in such a relationship. At the same time, the main difficulty is that it is quite difficult to understand that you are in a dependent relationship. At the same time, a certain proportion of dependence is manifested in almost any relationship, especially in their first stages of formation.
By what signs can we understand that this is precisely a dependent relationship?
- Confused Liability
In a healthy relationship, each participant is primarily responsible for his own condition and satisfaction of his needs, without trying to take on more or shift responsibility to another.
Everyone is primarily responsible for himself.
Responsibility is confused in dependent relationships. We want someone to take responsibility for our security, material well-being and happiness. Or they themselves tend to take excessive responsibility for another. In some respects this manifests itself in the distribution of responsibility. For example, a woman expects a man to financially provide and support her, and for this she will be responsible for the house, life and children - this is a typical example of confused responsibility, albeit so common that it is almost a variant of the norm. In more severe cases, we shift responsibility for all aspects of our well-being to a partner, or we ourselves take responsibility for saving another. Or, which is also often found, both at the same time. For example, a woman can save her alcoholic husband for years, suffering in this relationship, but hoping that sooner or later her husband will stop drinking and take responsibility for her and the family.
- Blurred borders
In healthy relationships, we are sensitive to our partner's psychological and physical boundaries and are able to assert our boundaries. We feel in time when our actions or words cross the boundaries of what is acceptable for another person. At the same time, we ourselves are well aware of our boundaries and are able to say “no” at the moment when we do not like what the other person does or says. This principle works the same in all areas.
Boundaries are blurred in dependent relationships. We lose the ability to understand where my territory ends and another person's territory begins. A confluence is formed in which we often follow one of two scenarios: we either sacrifice our needs and autonomy and lose the ability to say no, in which case our boundaries are systematically violated; or we ourselves, without encountering resistance, increasingly violate the boundaries of another person and deprive him of the right to independence.
- Role hierarchy
At first, such a game can be quite pleasant and exciting
In healthy relationships, everything is very simple - they are built on equal terms, from the position of "adult - adult". Most of the time, the participants in such relationships manage to respect their partner, to reckon with his opinion. In such relationships, we always negotiate with each other as two adult independent people. We are forced to seek a compromise, although this is not always pleasant.
In dependent relationships, child-parental roles are included in us - one of the partners takes the role of a defenseless and weak child, the second becomes a strong, guardian adult. At first, such a game can be quite pleasant and exciting - the dominant partner feels his power and strength, the subordinate feels cozy security and no need to decide anything, because the boss will take care of everything. But if such a distribution of roles becomes fixed and becomes chronic, then a rigid hierarchy of dominance-submission is built in the relationship.
In such conditions, an adult turns into an aggressor, and a child becomes a victim. A strong hand very quickly begins not to protect, but to cripple, because the lower partner has lost the ability to defend its boundaries, and the upper one, without meeting resistance, can no longer cope with uncontrolled aggression. This is how domestic physical violence develops in family relationships and psychological violence in friendly and business relationships.
- Prohibition on awareness and expression of feelings
In a healthy relationship, feelings are legalized, partners can freely talk to each other about their emotional reactions. At the same time, all feelings are legalized - both positive and negative. Partners are able to directly express annoyance, resentment, jealousy and other emotions to each other at the moment when they experience them, without excessively suppressing or ignoring their reactions. With this approach, negative emotions do not stagnate, but circulate freely in a couple and heal relationships: based on their emotional reactions and the reactions of the other, partners build boundaries and learn to negotiate.
Emotions are suppressed in dependent relationships. Talking about your true reactions is forbidden or unsafe. An honest conversation about feelings and experiences is perceived as impossible or unacceptable. Therefore, from time to time, uncontrolled emotional outbursts occur - quarrels, scandals, episodes of violence, etc. However, they do not lead to a real resolution of emotional tension, but only aggravate the situation, since feelings of shame and guilt are added to the accumulated negative experiences, which, in turn, are also suppressed and further poison the relationship.
- Distorted "I"
In dependent relationships, we are seen as weak, unattractive, incapable of anything - and as a result, if such relationships continue for a long enough time, we ourselves begin to perceive ourselves in this way, and this is how we become in reality.
In healthy relationships, we get enough support, attention, acceptance.
As a result, we are able to notice and accept those qualities and resources that another person sees in us, and they begin to manifest themselves in reality and life.
- Bad internal condition
In healthy relationships, our condition is good most of the time. For a partner, we experience mostly positive emotions - love, gratitude, tenderness, respect, etc. However, this does not mean at all that we do not get upset at all, or do not quarrel with a partner. On the contrary, the ability to defend one's position, express aggression, conflict, and constructively resolve conflicts are all characteristics of a healthy relationship.
In dependent relationships, most of the time we are in a bad state - depressed, depressed, anxious, embittered. At the same time, due to the influence of the previous factors, it is difficult for us to realize our feelings and correlate them with needs. In other words, we feel bad, but we do not understand what exactly we feel and do not understand why.
- Insulation
Healthy relationships support us and help us grow. At the same time, our life is not limited only to these relationships. In healthy relationships, we maintain family, friendship, and professional ties outside of the relationship. Healthy relationships fit harmoniously into our lives and do not isolate us from other people.
In dependent relationships, we drop out of life and lose the ability to find and receive support outside of the relationship. Gradually, our contact with other people is reduced to a minimum, supporting family, friendship and professional ties are destroyed, and we find ourselves in isolation.
- Fear of leaving a relationship
In a healthy relationship, we feel free to end it at any time as we wish. The only reason why we continue to stay in these relationships is because we feel good in them and we ourselves want them to continue.
In a dependent relationship, we feel bad, but we do not feel free to leave - we feel that we are bound by this relationship. We have no choice but to remain in them, or the rest of the choices we see seem even less pleasant to us.
In dependent relationships, these signs appear quite often and vividly. Of course, it is difficult to find the “ideal” of a healthy relationship, perhaps some elements of these signs can sometimes “slip”, for example, in a quarrel. But in a healthy relationship, you can always discuss each other's feelings and emotions and realize why this situation happened.
In a situation where you understand that your relationship can be called dependent, there are two options for their development: you can change this relationship or get out of it. At the same time, it is important to understand that if you want to change the quality of your relationship, then in this case both partners must direct their efforts for this. Remember, you can't change another person unless they want to.
In any case, whatever decision you make, it is important to seek help from a specialist. Without professional external help, it is often difficult to understand what is happening and make the right decision.
The specialist will help you, first of all, decide whether it is worth working on improving the relationship (ideally, this should be a joint decision of both partners), or whether it is necessary to work on a gradual, as safe way out of these relationships. At the same time, it is important to understand that working with long-term neglected addictive relationships is most often a long and gradual process, since for a safe exit from addictive relationships, it is necessary, on the one hand, to rebuild and heal the client’s inner world, and on the other hand, to restore supportive ties with the world. external.
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