How do i rekindle my relationship
7 Tips On How To Rekindle A Relationship, Per A Psychologist
The butterflies you feel at the beginning of a relationship can easily die if you don't feed them, leaving you fumbling to rekindle your relationship later on. It's why the honeymoon phase gets all the hype—it's usually the time when both partners are actively making an effort to keep the other satisfied and happy.
But as the relationship matures, that effort to maintain a special connection can gradually diminish and the fire you felt at the beginning can slowly burn out. Things can become monotonous, and the excitement almost nonexistent. "Most couples fall into a comfort zone and typical routines with their partner. While this provides us feelings of safety and security in our relationship, it can reduce feelings of excitement, spontaneity and overall newness that brings a spark," says Shelley Sommerfeldt, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of the Loving Roots Project, a relationship coaching site.
If this sounds like your relationship, all hope isn't lost. As long as both of you are motivated and willing to make an effort, it's never too late to reintroduce that excitement, says Sommerfeldt. But it will require you to work through some issues you may have been avoiding. Lessening the distance that may have grown between you calls for communication, reconnection, affection and intimacy.
If you're unsure how to start growing closer to your partner again, here are seven expert-recommended tips on how to rekindle a relationship.
1. Make time to talk.
- 31 Questions To Ask Your S.O. For A Tight AF Bond
The beginning of a relationship is often motivated by the excitement that comes with making a new connection. So you find yourself doing things that might be out of character, like talking on the phone or texting for hours, even if it means missing out on sleep.
It comes from a desire to be "more present, in-tune, and engage in more active listening," says Sommerfeldt. When you start developing feelings for someone you want to know everything about them, so you make an active effort to engage in conversation often. That effort naturally diminishes the longer you're in a relationship.
"Oftentimes, later in relationships, we may not be as attentive and this can come off as dismissive and uncaring to our partners. In order to rekindle that love in a relationship, be sure to make time to really talk with your partner." When you ask how their day went, actively listen. This also means taking these run-of-the-mill conversations a step further by asking for details such as updates about a work project they'd mentioned a few days before. Being present and mindful will send your partner a message of care and love, says Sommerfeldt.
2. Share gratitude and appreciation.
"We often pay close attention to validating and positively reinforcing our partner during the initial stages of dating or marriage," says Sommerfeldt. However, as the relationship treads on this kind of effort fades into the background, which can often result in your partner feeling unappreciated .
Think about all the ways your partner contributes to your relationship. It could be anything from the fact that they fix you a plate when you come home hungry, use their handy skills to repair things around the house, or walk the dog in the mornings so you have an extra few minutes of sleep. You've probably always been grateful for these gestures, but haven't actually articulated them since you've come to expect them at this point. The key to strengthening your relationship is saying so out loud, says Sommerfeldt. Let your partner know that you notice the many ways they show their love and always have.
Maybe even write them a card:
3. Try something new together.
The start of a relationship often flourishes because you're creating new memories with a new person. And while you may think your days of adrenaline-filled adventures are over, they don't have to be. It's totally possible to carve out opportunities for novel one-on-one time.
"While routines are helpful and create predictability and certainty in the relationship, having new and spontaneous activities can foster excitement and a much needed change," says Sommerfeldt. Now's the time to try that new recipe you've had your eye on, invite your partner to take a dance class with you, or start a garden in your backyard. By doing something totally new, you'll make discoveries about yourselves and each other that will bolster your connection.
4. Show affection.
TBH, your makeout sessions are probably not as intense as they use to be and that's normal. But physical affection is one area you should really work at if you're trying to rekindle your relationship.
"It increases chemicals in the brain, such as endorphins and oxytocin, which send signals of care, love, and safety," says Sommerfeldt. And the more you do it, the more it becomes an automatic—but genuine—part of your relationship. Now, this doesn't mean you have to straddle your partner when they least expect it. Start with something that feels natural—whether it's reaching out and stroking their arm, holding their hand while you watch TV, or giving them a quick peck while you're making dinner.
5. Plan date nights for some alone time.
- 15 Date Night Ideas That Are Better Than A Movie
Striking a balance between catering to your relationship and your other responsibilities is hard, especially when work schedules, caring for children, and life in general gets in the way. But it's important to add some alone time to your busy schedule.
"Having some dedicated time to spend alone with your partner on a regular basis really is key to maintaining a strong connection," says Sommerfeldlt. "During the honeymoon phase, we make an effort to have regular date nights. The same should happen in relationships that are more established." Plus, planning dates where the two of you can camp out in the backyard or battle it out with board games is also the perfect opportunity to express gratitude for your partner and show some physical attention, too.
6. Shake up your sexual routine.
- How Often Do Most Couples Have Sex?
Your sex life isn't exempt from falling into a routine either, says Sommerfeldt. Towards the beginning of your relationship, you're just starting to get to know your partner sexually so everything seems sort of novel, plus you're more open to mixing things up between the sheets as you become more familiar with your partner intimately. But once you've been in the relationship for a while, you can become so comfortable with your routine, you stop seeking ways to spice up your sex life.
"It can be helpful to shake up your usual sexual routine by trying new positions, changing locations where you typically have sex or trying something different like candles, romantic music, sex toys, or massage oil," explains Sommerfeldt. Changing up your usual pattern will bring back some of the honeymoon fun, while giving your intimate connection a boost.
7. Make room for healing and forgiveness.
Arguments and disagreements in a relationship are normal. They often don't present themselves during the honeymoon phase because at that point we typically do not have criticisms or negative viewpoints toward our partners, says Sommerfeldt. But once the fighting starts, it can be easy to build up resentment and negativity towards your partner.
If this sounds familiar, take some time to reflect on what's bothering you. Maybe write it out in a journal and include some possible solutions. Once you've organized your thoughts, sit your partner down and tell them how it bothers you when they speak over you, for example. Chances are, they'll feel compelled to open up to you too. From there you can both make actionable plans to do better by each other.
If you're having trouble expressing yourself the way you want to or you and your partner can't seem to come up with realistic solutions to your issues, it might be time to bring in a therapist. This way you can better "facilitate healing and forgiveness," says Sommerfeldt. "It will allow you to release some of these negative patterns and really focus on rebuilding of the love and connection."
Jasmine GomezAssociate Commerce Editor
Jasmine Gomez is the Associate Commerce Editor at Women’s Health and covers health, fitness, sex, culture and cool products. She enjoys karaoke and dining out more than she cares to admit.
10 strategies on how to rekindle a relationshipSigns your relationship is broken
A sense of certainty and friendship is normal and desirable in a relationship – it’s even one of the three keys to passion. But just as there are signs of passion in a relationship, there are signs that your partnership is broken and needs to be rekindled.You don’t trust each other
Jealousy in a relationship is never healthy – even if your partner did something to break your trust. If you’re constantly suspicious of your partner’s motives or whereabouts, you need to address your broken relationship immediately.You don’t talk
Some couples talk more than others, but if you don’t know the basics about what’s going on in your partner’s career, friendships or family relationships, you may have some communicating to do.You argue constantly
What if you want to talk to your partner, but it always seems to turn into an argument? Disagreements are normal, but if you never reach a resolution or let things go, it’s a sign you need to rekindle the relationship.You don’t spend time together
It’s healthy to have separate friend groups and spend some time apart, but not more than you spend together. And if you often sleep in separate rooms, that’s a big sign it’s time to learn how to spark your relationship.Why relationships die down
Has your relationship fizzled or has the fire died down? It’s easy to blame the natural progression of a relationship. Many couples become more friends than lovers over time, and many of them accept this as normal. But if you’re wondering how to rekindle a relationship, you’re ready for the truth: One or both of you have stopped putting in the work necessary to keep your love alive.
You may have stopped speaking to one another gently or you’ve started punishing each other for mistakes. You could also be spending too much time at work or with your friends and have drifted away from your significant other. Life changes can also be difficult to navigate for many couples. If you have recently had children, experienced a job loss or moved to a new city, the stress of the situation could take a toll on your relationship if you don’t make an effort to stay connected.
Love is a powerful emotion. That’s why we like to think that we are “meant to be” with our partner – that we won’t need to work at love because it’s something that “soulmates” just have. That’s also why we give up and move on when we don’t feel it anymore. Yet love isn’t disposable. Relationships aren’t disposable. It takes commitment, but you can rekindle a relationship.How to rekindle a broken relationship
It doesn’t matter why you need to rekindle love. What matters is that it is possible. If you want to learn how to fix a broken relationship, whether it’s a recent romance or a long-term love affair, you need some emotional kindling. Over time, taking the following small steps in your relationship can lead to massive changes and help you bring back the spark.1. Use your relationship polarity to your advantage
Having things in common with your partner is wonderful, but opposites also attract. This principle is called the law of polarity. Think back to when you first met your significant other. Things were easy between the two of you, and the physical chemistry proved your instant attraction. When you rekindle a relationship, remember that ease and chemistry. Nurture your own natural energy and confidence; your partner was and is attracted to you in your natural state.
Your natural energy and your partner’s energy work together to create your relationship’s chemistry. When working together in a natural, balanced way, neither of you need to suppress your true self, and you can be happy together as you are. If you find yourself in the position of fixing a relationship, you’ll probably find that one or both of you has sacrificed your true self somewhere along the way – and regaining this energy is vital to moving forward.
2. Be physical to help intimacy grow
When times are tough and we’re looking for how to rekindle a relationship, many of us have trouble being physical with our partner. This is especially true when sex is a contentious issue in the relationship. If you find yourself being less physical with your partner to punish them or are avoiding sex for any reason, you need to address that immediately. Fixing a relationship is nearly impossible when one or both of you are not able to show physical affection.
Affectionate physical contact, whether sexual or not, gives you the natural high your body’s hormones produce and can help you get into the right frame of mind to rekindle love. Remember to touch your partner frequently as this will help you to redevelop closeness and intimacy. Give the one you love a reassuring caress, a hug or just a squeeze of the hand that says, “I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere.” These small moments can mean a lot to your partner when you’re trying to fix a relationship.
Of course, sex is also very important in a relationship and understanding your own sexual energy – as well as that of your partner – is key to learning how to rekindle a broken relationship. If sexual intimacy is becoming less and less frequent, you need to take action now before it becomes an insurmountable problem.3. Be curious about your partner
When you started dating your partner, you were intensely curious about them. You wanted to know what they were thinking and feeling at all times. You asked questions about their past and their future dreams. Do you still act in this manner? If not, it could be a big reason why you are now in the position of learning how to rekindle love.
Curiosity about your partner involves asking questions and practicing deep listening when they answer. It goes beyond asking how their day went or what they’d like for dinner. Find out what they think about current events, how their new position at work makes them feel in terms of life goals and how their dreams for the future have changed. When you spark your curiosity for your partner, fixing a relationship becomes easier for both of you.
4. Innovate and give the relationship your best effort
Want to know how to rekindle a relationship? Consider that the success of your partnership works the exact same way as the success of your initial courtship. Remember what you did to win your partner over.
When you and your partner were just starting out, you showed each other your best sides. You consistently thought about ways to make your partner feel special, such as leaving them love notes or planning extravagant dates. More than anything, you were your partner’s biggest fan and they were yours. When did that stop and how did that coincide with your need to learn how to rekindle a relationship?
It’s easy to fall into comfortable habits in relationships and stop putting forth as much conscious effort, but resist taking the easy way out in your love life. Remember that committing to continually improving your relationship is one of the10 cardinal rules of love.
How happy would your partner feel today if you took a few extra minutes to remind them they are loved? Understand that your connection will continue to strengthen and deepen if you innovate andmake extraordinary efforts. Fixing a relationship almost takes care of itself when you start putting the effort from your early days into a relationship that is more mature.
5. Use your voice as a powerful tool for building intimacy
As much as physical touch and thoughtfulness are keys to a relationship, so are your words. Your words have incredible power and those who are looking for how to rekindle a relationship sometimes don’t realize that the words they’ve been using with their partner are harming them. Not only do the stories we tell ourselves define us as individuals, but our words can also build up our partner and relationship or tear them both down. In many situations, there is no “right thing” to say; you just need to be genuine. Learning how to rekindle love is one of those situations, so you must learn to communicate effectively with your partner in order to revitalize your bond.
Use heartfelt words when communicating with your partner – whether it’s about your trip to the grocery store or resolving a personal conflict. Remember to say things like “I love you,” “thank you” and “I miss you.” Said with genuine emotion, these little statements make tough times easier between the two of you, which helps you build or rebuild trust after it’s been betrayed.
Rekindle love by speaking with care and compassion and avoiding blame at all costs. When the two of you are arguing, don’t say anything in the heat of the moment that you’ll regret later. Remind yourself that this is a person you love and trust, and that your words affect them deeply. As you work together to communicate your love and respect for each other, you will find that your rekindled love is even stronger than the love you shared at the beginning of your relationship.6. Learn how to control your emotions
When you were in high school you probably felt the world was about to end more than once because you were dealing with many situations and emotions for the first time. But as an adult, with age and experience on your side, you probably look back and laugh at your “insurmountable” problems. You learned how to master those emotions, and you can apply that same principle to how to rekindle a relationship.
Relationships are fraught with emotions – some of them may even be new to you. But you can control emotions like frustration, annoyance and anger just like any others. There is no need to be driven by your feelings or to suppress them. Allow yourself to feel them, then ask yourself what they’re telling you. Get to the root of the emotion and communicate that to your partner instead of the emotion itself.
When figuring out how to rekindle a relationship, never avoid conflict just because you’re afraid to work through issues. Couples who are serious about fixing a relationship know that conflict, when handled correctly, leads to growth. The key is to address the problem before it gets out of control – but find a way to make it fun instead of taxing.
When you descend into a fight with your partner, fast forward to the laughing part. Don’t avoid the issue – soften it with humor. Try getting angry about the problem while doing a ridiculous dance or talking about it in a cartoon voice. Once you start laughing – and you will – you can learn to connect your partner to happier emotions even when there’s a conflict between the two of you.
Fixing a broken relationship is a painful and exhausting process – even when done correctly. When you’re able to laugh with your partner and connect through humor and lightness, you can make your way through the difficult terrain together and create a truly fulfilling relationship.
When attempting to rekindle love, some partners have problems communicating their feelings face to face. This could be due to fear over how their words will affect their partner, uncertainty that they will get the words right or limiting beliefs regarding their communication skills. Some just communicate better through writing, especially during the early stages of rebuilding a relationship.
Writing down your thoughts can be a good way to extend a mindful apology, work through difficult feelings or express your love and appreciation for your partner. When you’re done, you may give your partner the piece you wrote – or you may keep it to yourself. The writing is to help you understand your own feelings and find the right words to say to the one you love.
How did you reach the point where you started wondering how to spark your relationship? If you’ve had issues with trust – like keeping secrets from one another or cheating – it can be hard to get back to where you were before. While rules don’t sound romantic, they can actually help to rebuild trust and connection by defining how you will avoid a similar scenario in the future.
Set ground rules: Do you both agree to prioritize each other and the relationship before your own individual needs? What decisions will be made alone and which will be made as a couple? How will you communicate in an effective and respectful way, so that you both feel heard and understood? What are each partner’s needs, and how will the other person meet those needs? Asking yourself the right questions can rekindle a relationship in surprising ways.10. Build a happy memory bank
Every couple faces tough times, and it’s easy to focus on negative experiences. To counteract these, build a happy memory bank that you both can reflect on when you’re struggling. Where focus goes, energy flows, and when you focus on moments of joy and connection, you relive those memories and rekindle love.To construct your memory bank, plan regular date nights and recognize special occasions. Find any reason to celebrate, even if that means celebrating for no reason at all. Create traditions that are comforting and increase your connection. Treat each other with kindness and empathy, and take any opportunity you can to build your partner up.
Learning how to rekindle a relationship is not easy – it takes time and effort to create and sustain a supportive and healthy relationship and even more time if you’re faced with fixing a broken relationship. But with time and patience, you can rebuild trust and deeply connect with your partner.
For more Tony Robbins resources to reignite the passion in your love life check out his Firewalk, YouTube, and Facebook pages.
How to renew a relationship after a breakup: working recommendations from a psychologist
The first attempts to reunite after a breakup can be very different and are mainly related to the reason for this very breakup and how exactly it happened. Psychologist Ekaterina Sigitova tells where to start if you decide to be together again, what to avoid, and what to pay special attention to.
Ekaterina Sigitova, psychotherapist
The second attempt may be successful - and these tips will definitely come in handy.
Contents of the article
Be careful and careful
The fact is that a possible “second wave of love” is even more powerful than the love of the first months of acquaintance! So, first of all, you should make sure that you are not swirled in an emotional whirlwind too much, so that both of you do not commit rash acts that you can later regret. This, for example, may be the conception of another child or a new joint business - such ideas in such a period are not the best choice, and it would be wiser to wait for a more stable phase in the relationship.
This does not mean that the "tidal wave" of passion and excitement should be completely ignored. Of course, enjoy - it's very nice, but both keep your finger on the pulse.
Take care of yourself
The remaining resentment, trauma, anger and anger at the former partner is, on the one hand, quite normal, because both of you have gone through a lot. But, if these old wounds are not in a hurry to turn into scars, but interfere with you, if they, like ghosts, constantly loom in everyday situations, if they continue to hurt and even cause a desire to take revenge, you should take this seriously and take care of your psychological state. The two of you can go to a family counselor or try individual psychotherapy - for the spouse who feels that everything is not yet over.
Don’t remember the breakup itself
The temptation to reproach your spouse with the fact that you had to go through a breakup because of him is very strong, especially in moments of quarrels (and there will definitely be, because the reunion of a couple is not a magic pill for all past problems) . But this should be avoided if possible. Firstly, the partner also experienced a lot. It doesn’t really matter who exactly initiated the breakup and why everything happened that way - in the end, both suffered, and both also deserve sympathy. Secondly, and most importantly, the abuse of such reproaches can lead to the fact that both you and your husband will regret your decision to get back together.
So, if your memories of the separation period itself and its cause still hurt you, treat them more carefully: think it over for yourself or “take it” to a friend or friend, mother, specialist. But don't blame your partner.
Focus on the good things that were in your relationship
Western family counselors believe that even if there were few such good things, for example, no more than 10%, then this is still a very worthy basis for further changes. But surely there was much more good in your couple! Try to remember this: about how you met, how you liked each other and why you fell in love, where you went, how you fooled around, and how many sweet and touching moments there were in your life together. Do not forget to remember what is in your partner, his personal qualities for which you chose him!
It's great if such memories are shared: for example, arrange an exchange of memories in the evening over a glass of wine. All this may well become relationship cement, which will help to treat this new attempt with a positive attitude, keep you together.
Thank each other
Gratitude is a very pleasant and tender feeling. It has the power to heal many wounds, both yours and that of your loved one. Say “thank you” more often, because there are, in fact, a lot of reasons for this: for being so attentive to you, for being with you, for his participation in your affairs, for love and care, for patience and understanding. Yes, just because you have it.
Create new shared memories
Shared experiences are essential to any relationship. In a couple reunited after a breakup, part of this shared experience, unfortunately, has taken on a negative connotation. That is why you, like air, need new positive impressions. The dark colors of the past are desirable to be "covered" with more joyful and lighter shades of the present. For this, trips to new places, a new joint hobby, training courses, some new projects are suitable. Spend more time with your children, come up with something interesting and enjoyable that you haven't had in your life before. Expand your "library of impressions"!
Reconsider the agreements
To revise means, firstly, to take an inventory: is what you agreed on and what was implied at the very beginning of the relationship still relevant today? Perhaps your roles or family composition have changed. Perhaps you yourself have changed a lot, and now you need something completely different from your partner. Perhaps the breakup taught you something, and now it is necessary to speak out new wishes and expectations.
Draw the right conclusions
The fact that you decided to get back together does not mean that all the problems and roughness that were in the relationship disappeared on their own or now you just need to forget about them.
On the contrary, it is better to use a different tactic here: use your breakup and reunion as a "reboot point". Think about what did not suit you before, what caused you (perhaps) to part ways: in relationships, in yourself, in a partner, in various joint situations. Draw conclusions from this: something must be corrected, because it is impossible and not desirable to endure it anymore, and some things obviously will not change, so you will have to learn to treat it differently or just accept it as it is. Offer to do the same “work on mistakes” to your newly acquired partner. It will be very helpful for both of you!
Apologize and admit your mistakes
This point directly follows from the previous one: the fact is that even if one person decided to break off the relationship and one person is mainly to blame for this, there is always a contribution of both to common problems . This contribution can be different, and it can be difficult to acknowledge it out loud, in front of a partner. But sincere apologies and the willingness to work on your mistakes are very important. This is the balm that is simply necessary for two wounded hearts. Let each other feel that despite the fact that you hurt, you are sorry about it and are ready to change.
Make plans for the future
It's not just about which summer camp the kids will go to or which refrigerator to choose, but what you both want to see in your future together, and what would be better to avoid? How can you both improve your relationship? How do you plan to move forward and in what direction? Discuss.
Talk and listen
This is very common advice, but just as commonplace, many couples continue to ignore it. Meanwhile, this is the psychotherapeutic function of relationships - the ability to share with a partner your feelings about what is happening between you, and give each other verbal feedback. This is the same "glue" that gives people the ability to cope with crises, with shocks, with the usual daily routine. You can definitely avoid a lot of problems if you periodically talk - honestly, sincerely, heart to heart.
In general, all these recommendations describe one simple thing: people do not choose each other by chance. And if you have already been together for some (perhaps a very long) time, then your partner and your relationship are already worth making every effort to restore them.
Let everything work out!
how to return the fire to a relationship
At the start of a relationship, butterflies flutter in the stomach, and the object of passion is the most desirable person in the world. It seems that it will always be like this and an endorphin flurry will overwhelm you every time you look at your partner. But life is not a fairy tale, and one day partners find that interest has diminished. For many, this becomes a real tragedy and even the “beginning of the end.” We will tell you why reducing the intensity of passions is actually not scary and how the situation can be corrected.
Attention! "Adult" content intended for persons over 18 years of age
Why does the fire go out?
People meet, fall in love, start living together. They share life, finances, have children and jointly acquired property. In simple words, this process is called "everyday life", and it is he who is blamed for the destruction of any romantic component. But if you look at this situation from a scientific point of view, you can see that passion does not always run away, frightened by the schedule of washing dishes and walking the dog.
Sexologist Emily Nagoski, author of How a Woman Wants, writes in her book on sexual well-being about several reasons partners lose interest in sex. Using the stories of collective characters as an example, she shows what led to the situation of fading and how to deal with it if the partners have a desire to return passion to the relationship. The main reasons, according to Nagoski, are:
The ratio of sexual temperaments of partners
Nagoski describes sexual temperament as the ratio of "gas" and "brake", where the first is the desire and willingness to have sex, and the second is the limiting factors (from stress to cultural attitudes about what is decent and what is not). All people have different sexual temperaments, and over time this difference becomes more and more noticeable.
Change of context
"Context" as interpreted by Emily Nagoski is an almost limitless concept. This is a combination of external circumstances (where you are, who is next to you, what you are wearing, what the weather is like), and your inner feelings. In different circumstances, the partner may consider the same action exciting, or show no interest in it at all, or even behave aggressively.
Anything can be attributed to a change in context: the beginning of a difficult period at work, the appearance of a small child who requires 100% attention, or a conflict between the partners themselves.
Lifehacker and Psychologies expert, psychologist, psychoanalytic psychotherapist, sex therapist Kristina Kostikova names 3 more reasons:
An illusion when partners begin to perceive each other as an open book. And here the point is precisely in the perception, which is formed due to internal fear. We love to simplify things to protect ourselves. After all, the new is always disturbing (and at the same time passionate and interesting, if we consider the emergence of relationships). In fact, every living person is a boundless universe with its own processes, changes, desires, goals. Every day both we and our partner change. One has only to allow myself to see this and remove the excessive confidence that I fully know what my partner is like, that “everything is clear to me” about him.
The needs of partners in a couple are no longer closed. Conventionally, what this couple was originally built on is being transformed, and the partners are not ready for this. For example, if personal development, growth, exploration of this world is important for a person, then in the event that his partner stops developing, learn something new (for various reasons: perhaps the focus will move to the child, or maybe initially this person broadcast himself who he is not to please), after a while, interest in a couple may fade. Or, if the foundation of this couple is more sex or external parameters, financial situation, when this component changes, when it decreases, the couple can also lose intimacy and feelings.
Unwillingness to accept relationship transformation and expectation that every day should be as passionate as the first month of dating. Of course, this is a delusion that pushes immature people to cheat in search of those very vivid experiences. Relationships change over time, they have more depth, security, which means that passion and feelings become more uniform. And it is the responsibility of each couple - not to expect that passion will appear between them, as in the beginning, but to take responsibility for this and begin to contribute to its emergence. Pay attention to each other, be sensitive to the desires of your partner, study what causes vivid feelings in each of you, and then bring it into the relationship.
According to Kristina Kostikova, the fading of passion in a couple is not a matter of sex or gender, but solely the emotional maturity of each of the partners. A person's behavior in a situation where passion is no longer burning as before will be dictated by his own values, attitudes, as well as stereotypes and comparisons that may exist around him.
How to return passion?
Many people ask this question when they lack fire. Many decide to shake the old days and reproduce their first dates, sometimes even successfully. In her book, Emily Nagoski suggests talking before renting hotels where couples went on their honeymoon. First of all, partners will have to figure out why their relationship has become less close - this requires re-evaluating the context.
For many people, sex is not a basic need and is easily pushed into the background by more pressing feelings: hunger, fatigue, fear, stress. In such a situation, relationships are perceived as a safe space in which you can stop, exhale and stop the survival mode for a while. But if this stress continues in the home, then sex, which was perceived as a reward for survival outside, will gradually lose its appeal.
“It will be important for someone to accept the transformations in a couple, remove their expectations and look at their relationship with interest. Someone needs to remember what initially attracted in a partner: over time, someone forgets, stops appreciating it and begins to perceive each other as a given that will not go anywhere. It will be important for someone to discuss the accumulated grievances and learn to openly share their feelings, desires and discontent. It will be important for someone to grow emotionally and relieve the partner of responsibility for closing their own childhood traumas - then the partner will begin to be perceived not as a parent, but as an equal, to whom passion is possible. Someone together with a partner will have to start making time for their relationship and passion, reinforcing it, maintaining a climate in a couple, caring for each other again, not expecting that the passion itself should fall on a couple.0114, — comments Christina Kostikova.
For each person, the route will be individual, the main thing is to show enough patience and not make hasty decisions, including not considering that the relationship is doomed if the sexual life in them has slowed down.
What not to do is to default to diagnosing sexual dysfunction in yourself or your partner, as well as to show aggression, force your partner to have sex or have sex against your will.
Today, there are many "ready-made solutions" for couples who are faced with the problem of declining desire: from erotic games to psychological training. Many of these products refer to two popular strategies for increasing attraction in monogamous couples. These strategies are named after their creators Esther Perel and John Gottman.
Perel's strategy - distancing
It suits people who think they already know everything about each other. Esther Perel, in her book Breeding in Captivity, believes that the problem of long-term relationships from which passion leaves is related to the fact that a person strives for security and stability - this is love and supportive partnerships. But at the same time, a person strives for a new sensory experience - this is passion and attraction. In order to maintain both of these components in their relationship, each partner needs to maintain their independence and personal space, find time for their interests and not merge with a partner into a single organism. Thus, by distancing yourself, showing independence from your partner, you create an atmosphere of excitement and instability that is suitable for sparking.
Gottman's Strategy - Approach
According to John Gottman, passion leaves couples due to lack of intimacy and trust. In this regard, the author proposes to base the erotic component on friendly, supportive relationships in which both partners contribute and individuality.