Psychology insecure attachment
Insecure Attachment Style: Behaviors, Causes & How To Heal
What is insecure attachment?
An insecure attachment style is a way of approaching relationships with fear or uncertainty.
One of several attachment styles, this attachment style can make it difficult for people to make deep emotional and intimate connections with a partner, Chamin Ajjan, M.S., LCSW, A-CBT, tells mbg.
"An individual who has an insecure attachment to another typically feels anxious about the relationship and whether or not their own needs or desires can be met by the other person," holistic psychologist Nicole Lippman-Barile, Ph.D., says. "They may expect the person to abandon them or hurt them in some way."
Insecure attachment is an umbrella term to describe all attachment styles that are not secure attachment style.
The three types of insecure attachment are anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant, which are also known in children as ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.
Summary
Insecure attachment involves someone who suffers from fear or uncertainty in relationships.
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Types of insecure attachment:
- Anxious attachment: Also called anxious-ambivalent attachment style, this is characterized by anxiety and insecurity in relationships. "These people can be preoccupied with worries and are clingy and in need of validation and reassurance," Ajjan says.
- Avoidant attachment: Also called anxious-avoidant attachment style, it is characterized by dismissive behaviors. These people avoid emotional closeness and intimacy and often struggle to ask for help.
- Fearful-avoidant attachment: Also called disorganized attachment style1, this one is characterized by unpredictable and volatile behaviors.
According to Ajjan, these people don't have strong coping strategies and struggle dealing with relationship problems.
What causes insecure attachment?
Attachment styles are developed in childhood and formed by caregiver-child relationships.
"It's essentially how we were emotionally cared for—or not cared for—as children growing up," Lippman-Barile explains.
People with insecure attachment styles generally lacked consistency, reliability, support, and safety during childhood, Ajjan says.
(Here's our full guide to attachment theory and how each attachment style is formed.)
Summary
Oftentimes, attachment styles are developed in childhood and formed by caregiver-child relationships.
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Example behaviors:
In childhood
- Clingy to caregiver
- Actively avoiding caregiver
- Frequently crying inconsolably
- Hiding or repressing emotions
- Becoming upset or panicked when a parent leaves them
- Appearing independent while secretly wanting attention
- Fear of exploration, especially in a new situation
- Poor emotional regulation
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In adulthood
- Low sense of self-worth and self-esteem
- Struggles asking for help
- Pushes others away
- Fear of abandonment
- Overly dependent or clingy toward a partner
- Overly independent or resistant to intimacy with a partner
- Constantly seeking reassurance in a relationship
- Jealous and threatened by a partner's independence
How insecure attachment affects adulthood
"Typically, these attachment styles (if unresolved) play out in adulthood," Lippman-Barile says. "Being insecure as a child looks similar to being insecure as an adult in the sense that the anxiety and fear of being abandoned is still present."
For example, a child who is clingy toward their caregiver will generally be clingy toward a romantic partner later in life.
Likewise, a child who learns they can't rely on their caregiver may end up never willing to rely on a partner as an adult.
Regardless of the partner's behavior, a person with insecure attachment may never feel secure in the relationship, she explains.
Along with interfering with romantic relationships, Ajjan says an insecure attachment can also lead to poor emotional regulation, depression, anxiety, and low self-worth.
Summary
Struggling with insecure attachment as an adult often stems from insecurity as a child. Someone with insecure attachment oftentimes doesn’t feel secure in a relationship which can lead to significant issues with your partner.
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How to fix insecure attachment
In order to heal, it's important to understand your own attachment style.
It may be helpful to take a test to determine what type of insecure attachment style you have, whether anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant.
"Knowing why it may have developed, and how, is helpful so you can start to work on these feelings and behaviors in your relationship," Lippman-Barile says.
Ajjan adds that therapy can help people unpack these underlying factors, learn new coping skills, become more mindful of their thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Investing in healthy and supportive relationships is also important, whether it's with friends, loved ones, mentors, or a partner.
"Working with your partner and communicating this is helpful as well so that you both are mindful of these patterns and have a strategy to work on them," Lippman-Barile says.
To develop a secure relationship, she says both partners will need to trust each other and feel secure as independent individuals.
Though people can't change the way they were raised, it's possible to develop healthy coping strategies in adulthood.
Being aware of a person's attachment styles may be the first step in that process.
Summary
You have to understand your own attachment style to fix insecure attachment issues. It's also important to focus on communication and trust in your relationships. Therapy can be a great tool for identifying the root cause of your issues.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the most common signs of insecure attachment?
As an adult, someone struggling with insecure attachment may oftentimes push others away, suffer from low self-esteem, be overly dependent on others, and constantly seek reassurance from people.
How do you love someone who struggles with insecure attachment?
If your partner struggles with insecure attachment, the best thing you can do is be patient and let them know how you feel. Try to exert positive behaviors even in times of difficulty and provide them with as much emotional support as possible. Therapy can also be helpful in dealing with insecure attachment issues.
What causes insecure attachment?
Insecure attachment oftentimes stems from childhood and is formed from caregiver-child relationships. Adults who deal with insecure attachment often lacked consistency, support, and reliability during childhood.
The takeaway
If you find yourself approaching relationships with fear or anxiety, you may be dealing with insecure attachment, a form of attachment that stems from an unstable childhood.
In order to develop more secure relationships, you need to understand your own attachment style.
The tips above, like therapy, are great ways to help unpack some of these underlying issues and learn to practice secure attachment.
1 Sources
1.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5026862/
What Does It Mean to Have an Insecure Attachment Style?
Source: License to use Creative Commons Zero - CC0
If you’ve paid any attention to the popular psychological press in the past few years, you’ll likely have heard a few things about attachment. You may even have been cautioned about the effects of your own attachment style on your current romantic relationship.
Secure attachment, you’ve likely heard, is associated with stronger relationships and reduced psychopathology. Researchers Philip Shaver and Cindy Hazan, who looked at adult relationships through the lens of childhood attachment styles, estimate that approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment style of one type or another.
On his professional website, R. Chris Fraley of the University of Illinois provides a distilled history of attachment theory. To begin with, attachment styles develop in childhood and appear to be generated by the relationship between the child and the chief caregiver.
The British psychoanalyst John Bowlby was the first to theorize about attachment, but the various attachment styles you’ve likely heard of were first identified in experiments conducted by Mary Ainsworth in the late 1960s.
Ainsworth briefly separated infants from their caregivers, reunited them, and observed what happened next. Some infants cried when their mothers disappeared but were easily soothed when they returned; these infants represented about 60 percent of the group overall and were labeled secure.
About half of the remaining infants also became very upset when their mothers left but could not be soothed when they returned; this pattern was said to represent anxious-ambivalent attachment in the infants who behaved this way. A third group—representing about 20 percent of the total group, and displaying the anxious-avoidant style of attachment—did not cry at all when their mothers disappeared. When the mothers returned, these infants seemed to actively avoid their mothers’ company.
Source: License to use Creative Commons Zero - CC0
But time goes on, and humans grow up, and it seems possible that infant attachment styles and parent-child dynamics are connected to patterns in adult relationships. In a 1994 paper, Hazan and Shaver concluded that the distribution of attachment styles among adults also showed a 60-20-20 percent split. Several years later, Fraley & Shaver (2000) suggested that in childhood, a system of attachment is developed as a means of adaptation to the family system, and that this attachment system continues to have an influence on the individual’s style of relating in adulthood.
Let’s say you recognize yourself in the "insecure" adult attachment types. Perhaps you are concerned about being too emotionally distant or too preoccupied with being close to your loved ones. In either case, it could help you to come to terms with the way you relate. To cope with your current attachment patterns it may be essential to understand your life as a coherent narrative, which has led you from one set of experiences to another and has helped to create the person you are now.
Psychotherapy may also be able to help you accomplish this.
Overall, you shouldn’t assume that a feeling of anxiety in romantic relationships, or a concern about getting too close, signifies anything dire about your prospects for love or connection. As with anything else, you may need to look closely at your attachment patterns simply to learn more about yourself—but if you do, do it for the sake of self-improvement rather than self-criticism. If you believe you need to, you can change; by being open to new experiences, insecurely attached people can develop new confidence that a potential partner is trustworthy after all.
The type of attachment affects the success of your relationship
The quality of early attachments deeply influences our relationships later in life. Have you ever been paired with an emotionally unresponsive or emotionally drained person? People may lose hope of meeting "that one" after experiencing a failed relationship. They have self-doubt and thoughts: “What is wrong with me?”.
To understand this phenomenon, one must first understand the theory of attachment. It is one of the most studied theories in the field of relationship psychology. Attachment theory describes how an early relationship with a significant adult, most often a parent, creates an expectation of what love should be like.
The way we see ourselves and others depends on how responsive the significant adult was in meeting our physical and emotional needs. Already in adult relationships, romantic partners affect our attachment system.
What makes us tick? Consider how significant adults were involved in your care:
- Were they careless or inconsistent with you, or were they supportive?
- Who did you contact when you had problems?
- Was there anyone among adults you could really count on?
You can define your own type of attachment by becoming familiar with the four existing patterns and how they affect relationships within a couple.
According to attachment theory, if a significant adult was around and made you feel safe and secure when you were a child, you developed a secure attachment pattern. The experience of secure attachment is very important for creating a healthy relationship in the future, where your partner will support you.
If the significant adult was unresponsive and indifferent, you develop an insecure attachment pattern. By choosing someone with this pattern, you will never feel safe or secure in a relationship.
Insecure attachment has three varieties:
Anxious attachment is formed when the significant other is inconsistent in their care, confusing the child as to what to expect. A person with this type of attachment acts clingy in a relationship and finds it difficult to trust their partner.
Avoidant attachment develops in a child whose significant adult behaves in a dismissive manner. Such children play by themselves and are convinced that no one can meet their needs.
In adulthood, they position themselves as very independent.
A disorganized attachment is formed in the face of abuse, trauma, or total chaos in the family. The child learns not to expect anything good from adults and does not have a real "reliable base".
All of these types of attachment affect how we behave with other people. Which begs the logical question: "Can you change your own attachment type to create a secure relationship?"
Answer: "You can!", But at the cost of hard work. This is where therapy can be incredibly helpful. Understanding your type of attachment and the choice of partner you make will be crucial. An experienced therapist can help develop mindfulness in understanding when you are responding to past wounds.
We tend to recreate unhealthy relationship patterns from our childhood into adulthood. As painful as it is, there is something soothing about the familiar pattern of behavior. You can even confuse the feeling of something close to early life experience with the real chemistry of the relationship.
Insecure attachment can be overcome by working on yourself and choosing a partner with a secure type of attachment. Face to face with your fears, build new behaviors to maintain a secure and loving relationship.
Recommended books.
Below is a list of books translated into Russian that will help you understand the theory of attachment and its impact on your relationships: How Attachment Theory Can Help Create Harmonious Relationships. The book explains how different types of attachment create their relationship patterns, and how these patterns can be broken.
Author: Marnie Feuerman, PhD, is a licensed Clinical Social Worker and Family Relations Therapist.
Translation: Maria Okhotnikova, especially for IRSU.
Psychologists Hold You about insecure attachment
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resend04/14/2021
In childhood, we subconsciously read the signs of our parents' behavior patterns: how they communicate, show their feelings, behave with others. And, having matured, we bring this model to life. In a sense, it is a memory filter, and therefore manifests itself when communicating with people.
It affects our understanding of other people's words, actions, emotions and feelings.
Entering into a relationship and not understanding our type of attachment and true desires, we seem to play out a certain scenario. Written in an unknown language.
This will continue until we understand ourselves.
It turns out that the types of attachments are formed in childhood. Over the years, they can change and transform. Depending on the experience that we live in relationships with partners and friends. The type of attachment is manifested in all communications with others. But most of all - in romantic relationships.
There is a theory of attachments put forward by the psychoanalyst John Bowlby. This theory divides relationships between people into four types. By identifying which ones, you will understand why people are jealous, focus on the negative, think about breaking up, etc. Is it possible to change the attachment type? Let's figure it out in the article.
Co-dependence
In romantic relationships, it manifests itself in an excessive fixation of a person on his partner. The main burden of love, care and affection is carried by a co-dependent person. He cannot imagine his life without an object of love. Therefore, he puts all his strength and resources into relationships, often completely dissolving in them and losing himself.
This is wrong and destructive for a person. After all, in the event of a break, he will remain alone with himself. Having completely lost inner confidence, the meaning of life and oneself. The person will be on the edge of the abyss, devastated and broken.
There are opposite types of relationships: giving and taking. The role of the giver is characteristic of people who need the need to maintain relationships. They are afraid of loneliness, therefore they make every effort to satisfy their partner. The taking type prefers to receive attention and care.
Such psychological theories of love form a vicious circle that is difficult to break. The taker avoids responsibility, and the giver compensates for this for the partner. These people are dependent on each other. They don't know how to define love or affection. And they keep the relationship not because of passionate feelings, but out of fear of insecurity.
Attachment types
The theory of attachment types was developed by D. Bowlby and M. Ainsworth. The analysis was based on the relationship between mother and child. According to the results of the experiment, it turned out that the reaction of infants to situations is different when they are near their mother or without her. Based on this, four types of attachment were identified.
In adult life, a person retains the behavior pattern that was characteristic of him in childhood.
Types of attachments can change due to trauma or negative experiences. For example, an abusive relationship can lead to withdrawal, low self-esteem, and a fear of trusting and opening up.
Attachment theory and its types:
-
Reliable. A person appreciates, accepts himself and his soul mate. He does not depend on the opinions of others, he understands what is important and necessary for him. Can determine the meaning of the relationship for him. Is it love or affection? The conscious attachment of a person to himself and jealousy are unacceptable and alien to his model of behavior.
-
Anxious type of relationship. Such a person is prone to codependency. He underestimates himself and exalts the importance of his partner. Does not understand how to define love or habit for him this relationship. More often he sacrifices himself and his interests for the sake of love.
-
Avoidant. Realizes and appreciates his independence and self-sufficiency. In relationships, he tries to keep his distance, knows how not to become attached to a man (woman).
In the event of a conflict or a serious quarrel, he will be the first to say “let's break up” in order to avoid pain. -
Anxiety avoidant. This type of relationship is found in people who have experienced negative experiences. They were abandoned or betrayed. They were subjected to sexual or physical violence. They value affection, they want to create strong relationships, but, on the other hand, they are afraid of being abandoned and rejected.
For more information, google "John Bowlby Attachment Theory Book". Psychoanalyst Bowlby examines the types in detail, explaining the principle of each behavior model.
What do insecure types of attachments lead to
Anxious, avoidant-rejecting and anxious-avoidant types are considered insecure.
If everything is clear with a reliable look - relations develop harmoniously, on an equal footing, then everything is not so with unreliable ones.
Each type is characterized by a certain distance maintained between it and the partner. People with an insecure form of attachment are more likely to get into co-dependent relationships, become victims of psychological abuse, etc. They try to keep everything under control. Either they are too protective of their soul mate, or they find a reason to break off relations first, so as not to experience pain and disappointment.
A person with an insecure type of attachment does not understand how to recognize the love or habit present in his relationship with a partner. It is difficult for him to trust and open up due to the constant fear of insecurity.
You can believe as much as you like that the right meditation is the healing of relationships. However, it is difficult to change the habitual pattern of behavior and relationships on your own. If you do not work out this request with a psychologist, you can remain in a vicious circle.
Is it possible to change the type?
Most studies show that people most often carry over the type of attachment from childhood to adulthood.
If you put in the effort, you can change it. However, it will take time and the help of a qualified specialist.
Sometimes a person develops different attachments with different partners. For example, you experienced anxiety in the first relationship, because you considered the object of passion more attractive. Having matured and having worked through the complexes, you enter into relationships more consciously, building a reliable form of attachment. Do not be jealous for no reason and do not suffer. But not everything is so simple here either. If this relationship was psychologically difficult, and you went through a painful breakup, you will most likely return to the anxious type in a future relationship. Unless, of course, you work it out with a psychologist. The specialist will help to change the stable patterns laid down in childhood. But be prepared: this is a long process.
See also
What can not be said to a person who has left the war zone?
Leaving home is one of the most difficult decisions, especially if a person does not know if he will return there again.
