How do i apologize to my narcissist

How to Get a Narcissist to Forgive You: 10 Ways

In This Article

One of the common questions many people ask is “do narcissists forgive?” Considering their temperaments and emotional conditioning, knowing how to get a narcissist to forgive you after you have wronged them seems to be an entire course worth studying.

However, if you are in a relationship with one, knowing how to effectively apologize to a narcissist is necessary because, at some point, you are bound to make mistakes that may put a strain on the relationship.

This is where the knowledge contained in this article comes to play.

How do you navigate that treacherous terrain when a narcissist demands an apology? Should you apologize to a narcissist even when you aren’t sure of the outcome of your apologies? What do you do when a narcissist is mad at you? How do you get a narcissist to forgive you?

These and more are the common questions that would be comprehensively dealt with in this article. If you are looking for how to make your relationship with a narcissist work, you would find this invaluable.

How does a narcissist act in a relationship?

This is a critical question that may be going on in your mind right now. Before giving you an answer, let’s take a quick look at who a narcissist truly is.

A narcissist is much more than that person who posts many selfies of themselves on Instagram. A narcissist is one who is dealing with a psychological disorder professionally referred to as Narcissistic Personality disorder.

According to a transcript documented by the American Psychological Association, Narcissism is founded upon 4 critical pillars; lack of empathy, grandiosity, a chronic sense of entitlement, and the inordinate need to seek validation/admiration from other people.

As opposed to how cocky they usually sound/look, the narcissist is usually anything but confident.

These 4 pillars are the main characteristics a narcissist would exhibit in a relationship.

First of all, they behave as though their opinions are the best/highest, they tend to relate with their partners as though they are incompetent, and always want to be at the receiving end of emotional support, admiration, and praise.

Also Try: Should I Forgive Him for Cheating Quiz

Does a narcissist ever forgive you?

Even when narcissists make you apologize for your wrongs, do they truly ever forgive? This is one question that may be a bit difficult to answer, because of the different sides to this coin.

At first glance, it is safe to say that narcissists tend to hold grudges more than the average person. This can be directly attributed to the many internal battles they have to fight.

However, a recent study suggests that as far as forgiveness goes, not all narcissists are a lost cause. Some of them possess more abilities to forgive than others. In summary, a narcissist may forgive you after a long period of groveling and begging for it.

Since narcissists and apologies do not seem to do very well together, you may want to take a step back and not bank on the chances that your narcissist partner would be the first to wave the forgiveness flag when you have hurt them in a relationship.

What happens when you apologize to a narcissist?

What happens after you apologize to a narcissist is somewhat intriguing. Considering that the average narcissist already thinks that they are better than you and that you have to always defer to them, your apologies can easily be followed by any of these.

1.

Flat-out rejection

It isn’t exactly abnormal to witness a narcissist simply rebuff your apologies after you have mustered the courage to make them. They may simply tell you how awful you are or how what you did was the worst thing they have had to endure all their lives.

If you are wondering if you should apologize to a narcissist, you may first want to consider this possibility before sending in that apology.

Also Try: Fear of Rejection Quiz

2.

Self-righteousness

Another thing that may happen when you try to apologize to a narcissist is that they may take the opportunity to rub your ‘cluelessness’ in your face.

In a bid to remind you of how right they were and how wrong you were, it may not be out of place if you hear statements like, “I am glad you finally admitted that you were wrong,” or “do you now agree that I was right all along?”

The narcissist would usually gloat after receiving an apology.

3.

They may also take the opportunity to remind you of other ‘crimes’ you already apologized for

You want to apologize for being late for dinner, but the narcissist would take the opportunity to remind you of how you didn’t put the washer off before running off to work, or how you want to work them to death simply because you forgot to put your dirty socks in the hamper three weeks ago.

Yeah, drama!

Also Try: Do I Have a Chance With Him?

10 ways to get a narcissist to forgive you

If you are trying to figure out how to appease a narcissist, here are 10 things you should consider doing.

1.

Start by telling them how you feel

The first step to getting a narcissist to forgive you is by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with them. When you have hurt them, let them tap into your bank of empathy by being completely honest with them. You can say something like, “I feel terrible for…”

Also Try: What Makes You Feel Loved Quiz

2.

Let them know the exact behavior you feel remorseful for

Looking for how to get a narcissist to forgive you?

It helps to let them know that you are aware of the exact thing you did that hurt them. So, you may want to say something like, “I am sorry for treating your mother the way I did.”

3.

Let them know what they should do to make things better

As much as you are trying to apologize to them, it helps to let a narcissist know that you are not about to be tossed about like you do not have a healthy sense of self-esteem.

After step 2, it helps to let them know the role they can play to ensure that what happened before doesn’t happen again.

For example, you can say something like, “do you mind not chastising me in front of your mother again?”

Suggested video: 7 ways to outsmart a narcissist in conversation:

4.

Go big on empathy

If you have made it this far with a narcissist, is it most likely because you have a lot of empathy in you.

When you are trying to figure out how to help a narcissist heal from their hurt, you may want to start by empathizing with them. They may end up saying some things you don’t agree with. Focus on disarming them with empathy.

Also Try: How Empathic Is Your Relationship Quiz

5.

Mentally prepare yourself before you start

The thing about narcissists is that once they start going on about how wrong you were/how right they are, they may not stop for a long while.

To prevent yourself from responding with sharp-witted comebacks every second, mentally prepare yourself for the smart-mouthed jabs of your life.

6.

Don’t expect them to see the reason immediately

Are you looking for how to get an apology from a narcissist? You may not find that immediately.

If you are trying to figure out how to get a narcissist to forgive you, one thing you must do is never to expect them to see the reason immediately. If a narcissist would end up forgiving, they want to do it on their terms.

They may do so after a while. So, let them cool off.

Also Try: How Well Do You Understand Your Spouse’s Moods?

7.

Don’t fall for the same mistakes

The chances are that before a narcissist forgives you completely, they would do all they can to retaliate.

This means that they would try to hurt you the same way you did. Prepare for this and make sure that you do not fall victim to their onslaughts when they come.

8.

Use ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ and ‘I’

The reason for this is that it tends to give a sense of belonging and inclusion. It makes them feel like you aren’t counting them out or giving up on them and also cushions the blow associated with the words you want to tell them.

So, instead of saying, “I think you can do better,” you can say, “I think we can do better in … areas.”

Also Try: Values in a Relationship Quiz

9.

Know when to enlist the help of their trusted friends/closest allies

One way to get a narcissist to forgive you (especially if their grudge has lingered over an excessively long period) is to enlist the help of their closest friends and allies.

This could be their family member, a close/respected friend, or just someone they can give listening ears to.

Chances that this would work are limited, but it is worth a try; especially if you have tried all the things in the book to no avail.

10.

Know when to walk away

This is the hard part, but it begs to be said nonetheless. As far as your relationship with a narcissist goes, remember to prioritize your mental health.

If you don’t make this a point of duty, you may end up staying back in a relationship that has turned toxic long after you should have walked out the doors.

Feel free to call it quits when you have gotten to the limits of what your empathy and mental health can carry.

Also Try: When to Walk Away From a Relationship Quiz

How to deal with a narcissist in a relationship

How you deal with a narcissist in a relationship determines whether the relationship will be healthy or toxic. Before you make a final decision on the best trajectory for your relationship, here’s how to deal with a narcissist in a relationship.

Summary

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a difficult task. Knowing how to get a narcissist to forgive you is a life skill you must learn if you intend to make your relationship with one work.

This is because their opinions of themselves and others would force them to see you as someone who’s always out to annoy/hurt them.

The next time you want to get a narcissist to forgive you, follow the 10 steps we have outlined in this article. Then again, do not be afraid to pack your bags and exit the relationship when the going gets uncharacteristically tough.

Prioritize your mental health as well.

Never Apologize to A Narcissist

As someone who cares about the feelings of others and how your actions might affect someone else, you likely want to right any wrongs and will apologize when you think you have hurt someone else. Maybe you aren’t completely responsible, but you still feel like you can be the better person and apologize to help get past this situation. This is a great quality to have because it shows you can experience empathy and consider others. While you would think this approach would be best in most any situation, one situation in which apologizing can lead to worse outcomes is with the narcissist. Never apologize to a narcissist.

Why would it be detrimental to apologize to a narcissist? To consider not apologizing might make you feel selfish and uncaring. This approach may go against the core of who you are and how you think you should act towards others. This is all understandable. You are capable of feeling for someone else and this simple trait is what sets you apart from a narcissist. The narcissist doesn’t have the ability to consider the needs and wants of others and they will always focus only on themselves.

So, what exactly is so bad about apologizing to a narcissist? The narcissist is unable to take responsibility for any of their actions. No matter the cause of a situation, they will turn it back on someone else and make it about them. This is blame-shifting. The narcissist is a master at blame shifting because it is a survival method for them. To accept blame means they are at fault for an action and to accept fault implies they are somehow flawed. At the core of the narcissist is a false belief that that are perfect and can do no wrong. They must protect this false image of self to prevent narcissistic injury.

When you apologize to a narcissist, whether you are at fault or not, you have made it about you, and this is exactly what the narcissist wants. They can then use this apology to effectively blame shift onto you. This becomes material the narcissist incorporates into their control and manipulation, and you are forever indebted to this indiscretion you have apologized for – no matter how big or small.

One apology becomes representative of everything wrong with you as a person. They can use one small situation to affirm to themselves, and others, how wrong you are and how you are the problem. Yes, you apologized in an attempt to make things better, but for the narcissist you have boosted their narcissistic supply and they use this against you. Did you apologize about accidentally breaking a glass? They will then twist that into why you lost your job or how your friends don’t like you. The broken glass becomes representative of everything that is wrong about you. This allows them to feel better about themselves.

And now you are being accused of many negative things. You become the target of the narcissist’s insecurities and are belittled and name called. In an effort to acknowledge your mistake, the narcissist now has more things to use against you.

Your apology sets off the narcissist punishment tactics. They go into attack mode to make it about you so they can boost their narcissistic supply. When you apologize, the narcissist sees it as a weakness and will use this against you.

Maybe you are thinking it would be wrong to not apologize if you did something to hurt someone else. I mean, a narcissist should be given common decency, right? Doesn’t it make you a bad person to not admit to your wrongdoings? The answer to that question isn’t straightforward and simple. Yes, it would be the right thing to apologize to someone. However, an apology should never be used against you. If the person who is being given the apology cannot accept it without using it against you, then they don’t deserve an apology. Apologies aren’t just about the person apologizing, but also about the other person’s ability and willingness to accept an apology. A wrongdoing should never be used against you. Giving an apology takes skill, just as accepting an apology does.

At the end of the day, apologizing to the narcissist is a waste of your time and energy. If the narcissist has shown they will use the apology against you and a way to boost their ego while putting you down, then the narcissist has not earned an apology from you. This is a firm boundary you need to hold with yourself. The narcissist will find many reasons to identify you as the problem and they don’t need your help to give them things to work with.

Kim Saeed. Don't apologize to the narcissist!

In normal relationships, if you make a mistake, it is usually followed by an apology. This usually gives the other party an opportunity to forgive you, or at least acknowledge your heartfelt attempt to make amends. Not so with a narcissist.

When you apologize to a narcissist, he feels like he hit a gold mine. You will always be wrong - if not so, then so, and therefore admitting your own mistake becomes something like a one-way trip, accompanied by a constant feeling of own guilt. Instead of responding to an apology like a mature person, the narcissist will implement one of the scenarios below. nine0003

Complacency. It's like pointing fingers and making fun at the playground to make you feel like the biggest idiot in town. See how stupid you are? Don't you feel relieved that you admitted I was right? Thank God you're finally convinced of your worthlessness. Now that you understand your place, life goes on. In fact, why did you balk for so long? Hey, now that you've finally admitted that you're an idiot, how about celebrating it?.. Let's have dinner at your expense. In the end, you are lucky, because I am ready to show you a little mercy and indulgence. Let's go have lunch! nine0003

Total denial. You are really to blame for a small transgression or statement that you made when you felt exhausted (a consequence of the influence of a narcissist). You again think that he has a modicum of humanity, so he will accept your apology. You made up your mind to say you're sorry... perhaps sent a heartfelt text message or an apology email.

He replies that what you did was the worst thing he has ever experienced. He asked himself when will you finally repent of this mortal sin. He felt so empty that he couldn't justify it. He tried to bury the memories of this and now he understands why you never had a relationship with anyone. It will be very difficult to forgive such a thing, but with the help of God he tries to forgive. nine0003

Drug testing. While this is one of the most common reactions you can get after apologizing to a narcissist, their behavior is independent of whether you apologized or maybe didn't even think about it. However, now that you mentioned the injury inflicted on him, he will take the opportunity to make him feel like the worst person he has ever met. In addition, the situation will become a springboard for psychological torture and an excuse for future beatings that he will subject you to. nine0003

Rap performance. You say you're sorry about something, but he chastises you not only for that, but for the many other alleged "crimes" you've committed. In the end, you wonder how friends and partners tolerated you, and were they even in your life? See how flexible he is... didn't he pay attention to your mistakes because he cared about you? In fact, you may not think that there may be some other relationship in your life, because no one else, except him, will have the strength to endure your criminal behavior. nine0003

Remember when you bought your grandmother a present, knowing that at that moment he needed money? What about when you took unpaid leave because your child was sick... didn't you know that he was waiting for your paycheck to pay his taxes? How dare you donate two dollars to a Salvation Army volunteer? Will you ever stop your quirks and stop being selfish? How do you get along with yourself?

Drug testing. After the narcissist takes some of the information about your wrongdoing and extracts the truthful facts he needs from what happened, he will open a season of exaggerated, implausible accusations. His statements would have no effect on an outsider, but you are so used to his point of view that you actually begin to doubt, for example, should you have gone to a party to wish your niece a happy birthday? Maybe next time, instead, you just need to transfer money to his account? Do not take it to heart, do not reproach yourself. At the very least, there will be a chance that the narcissist will leave you for another girl. nine0003

If you still feel the need to apologize, don't. Or at least contain your emotions. However, be prepared to implement the described scenarios. You shouldn't apologize at all, because apologizing to a narcissist does no good. You may feel like you've succeeded at first, but the consequences will show up when you least expect it. Write about it, pray about it, but don't give him satisfaction.
** Narcissism is not inherent in any gender. I use the term "he" for simplicity. Also, the behavior described is more typical of an outspoken narcissist, since covert narcissists typically use silent avoidance as their primary method of punishment. nine0003

Kim Saeed
From: http://letmereach.com/2014/07/15/apologizing-to-a-narcissist/
Sirin (from SHRM) sorry you got offended”: 13 pseudo-apologies that narcissists use

Each of us has made mistakes or stumbled at least once in life, which is absolutely normal. After this, it is important to sincerely apologize, but not everyone succeeds. Because of unsuccessful attempts to ask for forgiveness, the interlocutor begins to feel only worse. Here's Psychology Today's article on the 13 types of apology most commonly used by narcissists. nine0003

Downplaying apology

"I was only kidding"

"I was only trying to help" he brought you, was made from the best of intentions and for your good.

Blame transfer apology

"I'm sorry you think I did something wrong"

"I'm sorry you think I'm a bad person"

"I'm sorry, but maybe you're just too sensitive?"

This is an empty apology that makes you think you are the cause of the problem.

Conditional apology

“I’m sorry if something I said offended you”

“I’m sorry if I hurt you”

This is the type of apology that is usually not enough. It implies that something could have been offensive, but it is not recognized that this was indeed offensive.

Déjà vu apology

"I've already apologized"

"I've apologized for it a hundred times"

In this type there is no apology as such. This is a common attempt to completely close the discussion.

Phantom apology

"I'm sorry you're sad"

"I'm sorry that mistakes were made"

Regret is a personal feeling of a person. Apology is a specific action. By saying that you are sorry, you are not taking responsibility for hurting or offending someone.

Hesitant apology

"I probably shouldn't have done that"

"Maybe I should have asked you first"

In this type of "apology", the person minimizes the damage by not wanting to take responsibility for what happened. nine0003
Apologies "I have nothing to apologize for"

"You know I would never hurt you"

"You know I'm sorry"

I didn't mean it"

This type of apology implies that you shouldn't feel sad or offended because "you know what."

Invisible apology

"I think I should apologize"

In this type, the person admits that he should ask for forgiveness, but does not apologize.

"First you, then me" apology

"I'll only apologize if you apologize first"

"I'll only apologize if you promise never to remember this again"

but you must forgive me. ”

This type is more like a deal than a sincere desire to ask for forgiveness. nine0003

Apology "I didn't want to apologize but they told me"

"Your mom said I owe you an apology"

"My friend thinks I should apologize to you"

This type of apology implies that the person himself did not want to ask for your forgiveness. After this, you will think for a long time whether the person is really sorry or not.

Universal apology

"I'm sorry for all the bad things I've done"

This type of apology does not allow you to understand that the person is aware of what he did wrong. Generalization is an attempt to evade responsibility for specific actions.

An apology to get you off your back

“Okay! Sorry, okay?"

"God, I'm sorry already."

"Oh, leave me alone. I'm sorry, okay?"

Depending on the choice of words or tone, such an apology may even be perceived as a threat or a banal desire to close the matter as soon as possible.

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