Healing after emotional abuse

What is emotional abuse? | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

“I don’t want you going out with them. I trust you; I just don’t trust them.”

“You know you can’t get anyone better than me. You are lucky to be with me.”

“Are you sure you want to eat that? I’m just attracted to someone who takes care of themselves.”

“You’re so dumb. I knew this would be over your head.”

Do any of these sentences sound familiar? If so, you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Many people hear the word “abuse” and think of physical violence. Physical abuse is one type of abuse, but it is certainly not the only one.

According to The Hotline’s 2020 Data, 95% of contacts stated they were experiencing emotional abuse. Emotional abuse may not be what most people think about when they picture abuse, but that does not make it any less real or less serious. Because of its subtleties, emotional abuse can be quite difficult to detect when it is being experienced. Emotional abuse is also a foundation for other forms of abuse. Often, it is used erode a person’s self-esteem and self-worth and create a psychological dependency on the abusive partner. Let’s look at what emotional abuse is and how to know if emotional abuse is present in your relationship.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among others. Sometimes emotional abuse is more obvious, like a partner yelling at you or calling you names. Other times it can be more subtle, like your partner acting jealous of your friends or not wanting you to hang out with someone of another gender. While these emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing the abuse.

Over time, emotional abuse can wear down a person’s self-worth, confidence, and their mental and emotional strength.

It’s difficult to feel sure of yourself when a partner is demeaning, dismissing, and second-guessing you constantly. Additionally, when you care about someone and have invested time in the relationship with them, you want to believe the best of them, and you may convince yourself that you were overreacting in how you interpreted their hurtful actions or words. An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.

For these reasons and more, it can be tough to detect emotional abuse and see it as a dangerous concern. Even then, survivors of emotional abuse are often hesitant to seek help or tell friends and family about their relationship concerns because they fear they will not be believed or taken seriously. Nonetheless, emotional abuse is serious, and it is not uncommon for emotional abuse to escalate to physical violence. In some relationships this escalation to physical abuse is slow, and in others it can happen rapidly.

So how do you know if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Here are some red flags:

Your partner name calls you or demeans you.
Your partner tries to control you, your time, and your actions.
Your partner tells you what to do and what to wear.
Your partner often makes you feel silly or dumb.
Your partner questions your reality and says that things that you know happened didn’t happen. This is called gaslighting.
Your partner is critical of your appearance.
Your partner is jealous of time spent with your friends or family.
Your partner punishes you by withholding attention or affection.
Your partner doesn’t want you hanging out with someone of another gender.
Your partner makes threats to hurt you or others to get what they want.
Your partner wants you to ask for permission before doing something or spending time with other people.
Your partner monitors where you go and stalks your whereabouts.
Your partner doesn’t want you to work.
Your partner embarrasses you in public.
Your partner does not trust you and acts possessive.
Your partner threatens breaking up or divorce to manipulate an argument.
Your partner wants access to your phone, your passwords, or your social media.
Your partner threatens suicide during arguments.
Your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating.
Your partner blames you for their unhealthy/abusive behaviors.
Your partner makes you feel guilty or immature for not wanting to have sex.
Your partner overloads you with compliments and gifts, and then uses that to manipulate you later (love bombing).

If any of these red flags feel familiar to you, know that you do not deserve to be treated that way and that you are not alone. It can be hard to decide what your next step should be, after learning that your relationship is not healthy. You might consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member to talk about what you have been going through. You can also reach out to our Hotline advocates to talk about next steps and options available to you.

We are here 24/7 via phone, online chat, and text to provide you with education, support, and safety planning. The Hotline is completely free and confidential.

Answers shouldn’t be hard to find.

We're here to help!

How to Heal From Emotional Abuse in Relationships: Therapist Approved Strategies [2022]

Are you trying to discover how to heal from emotional abuse in your current or past relationship?

Well, you are in the right place!

Emotional abuse is extremely painful but you can heal and live your best life yet.

In this article we will discuss:

Section 1:

How To Recognize Emotional Abuse

Section 2:

Aftermath of Emotional Abuse

Section 3:

Healing From Emotional Abuse

Step 1: Acknowledge the Abuse
Step 2: Change Negative Thought Patterns
Step 3: Engage in Self Care
Step 4: Set Boundaries
Step 5: Know When to Seek Help

Let’s get started!

Section 1: Recognizing Emotional Abuse

For most people, emotional abuse can be difficult to recognize because it can have less clear boundaries (doesn’t have clear cut boundaries) than physical or sexual abuse.

Individuals who engage in abusive behavior (Emotional abusers) often make conscious/unconscious attempts to control by causing the victim to question themselves and doubt their own experiences.

As a result, individuals who experience emotional abuse often suffer silently in confusion and psychological distress.

Understanding the unhealthy cycle of emotional abuse can enable and empower you to recognize when emotional abuse is taking place and how to take appropriate action against it.

Definition:

Emotional abuse is an attempt to use highly charged emotions to control the actions of another person by undercutting their sense of self, self-confidence, and/or mental health.

Examples of emotional abuse can be broken down into the following sections:

Emotional Blackmail

Withholding love or being emotionally distant
Reverting responsibility by shifting the topic back to you and your flaws
Using your values or fears against you “You call yourself a nice person but…”

Unreasonable Expectations/Demands

Holding you responsible to meet their needs
Becoming angry if you don’t hold their same beliefs or opinions
Demanding all of your time and attention
Labeling you selfish or needy for having wants or needs of your own

Discrediting Your Thoughts and Emotions

Being dismissive of your feelings and concerns, “you’re just being overly sensitive/emotional” ,“Your opinion doesn’t make sense”
Invalidating your perceptions “You’re over exaggerating”
Attempting to define how you ‘should’ feel
Denying having done or said the action in question
Gaslighting or attempting to make you feel as though you’re imagining things

Creating an Unstable Environment

Sudden mood changes and emotional outbursts that make you feel as if you’re “walking on eggshells”
Starting arguments over miniscule things
Playing mind games by using contradictory or confusing statements during disagreements

Using Verbal Attacks

Shaming statements that belittle the entire person, “You’re so stupid”
Blaming communications strategies that assign fault or guilt to individual actions, “It’s your fault we never have any money”
Condescending and patronizing jokes or statements that insinuate you are inferior or less than

Using Control Tactics

Constant criticism or negative judgements about your personal choices, friends, or behaviors
Keeping you isolated from other healthy relationships with family/friends.
Accusing you of cheating and/or monitoring your activity
Demanding to know where you are at all times

Section 2: Aftermath of Emotional Abuse

If you have suffered ongoing emotional abuse you may be struggling with a range of distressing symptoms. Many of these symptoms can resemble those of individuals with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) including:

Painful memories and/or flashbacks
Experiencing feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, and loneliness
A hard time concentrating on the task at hand
Social withdrawal
Insomnia
Unstable or fluctuating mood
Tension (you didn’t used to have) in your muscles, like in your shoulders that can lead to hypertension.
You may feel that your heart is beating more quickly than it should
Unexplained aches and pains
Hypervigilance & strong startle response
Night-terrors
Chronic pain

You may also struggle with low self-esteem, excessive shame, fear, guilt, anxiety, and/or confusion.

Suspiciousness of people may lead you to push away healthy relationships and find yourself in a cycle of toxic, abusive relationships and isolation from friends and family.

Victims of long-term emotional abuse most commonly develop mental illnesses such as:

Anxiety Disorders
Clinical Depression
Complex PTSD

(To learn more about how to overcome anxiety disorders in specific, check out our blog Anxiety in Teens: How to Recognize Anxiety and Help Beat it FAST [2022])

Section 3: Healing From Emotional Abuse

There is hope to heal from the pain emotional abuse creates.

You are not alone in your journey. Like you, many people have experienced emotional abuse and have found healing and meaningful connections in healthy relationships.

Below are 5 steps to help you in your healing process.

Step 1:

Acknowledge the Abuse

Thinking about and accepting your past abuse as a real event can be very difficult to do but it’s the first step to healing from your experiences.

Many people find it difficult to acknowledge their past abuse. This can sometimes be due to a belief that says “I’m shameful for having been abused” OR “What I experienced really wasn’t all that bad”. Other times people repress their past abuse with the hope that if they don’t acknowledge it, it will go away.

One thing can be sure, the longer your emotional pain from abuse is allowed to remain unacknowledged, the more negative impacts it will produce in your life.

As you begin to acknowledge your abuse for what it was, you will also begin to take back personal power over your life.

When you decide to engage with your old wounds, be aware that it’s normal to feel the same emotions you felt at the time of your abuse. These painful feelings have remained inside you and will only be healed when you accept and move through them.

Step 2:

Change Negative Thought Patterns

Emotional abusers alter your experience of reality by telling you lies about yourself and about the world until you accept their explanation of reality over your own. After enough time, you begin to accept these messages which affect the way you see yourself. These unhealthy thoughts can become the voice in your head (your self talk) that tells you exactly what your abuser told you.

As you begin to process your past abuse, one way you can begin healing is by challenging your self- talk and dispensing with the negative thinking patterns you find there.

Below is a list of unhealthy, negative thought patterns that people who have been emotionally abused often experience.

Some negative thinking patterns you may be reinforcing are:

Black and White Thinking: “I either get it right or I’m a failure”
Over-generalization: “All men are like this”
Disqualifying the Positive: “Nothing good ever happens to me”, “I can’t ever do anything right”
Unrealistic Expectations: “I shouldn’t make mistakes”
Name Calling: “I’m so stupid”
Self-Blame: “It’s all my fault”
Catastrophizing: “I won’t be able to figure out how to do anything without my partner,, then I’ll be hungry and homeless”
Should Statements: “I should be further along by now”
Emotional Reasoning: “I feel guilty, I must be a terrible person”
Personalization: “He’s upset because I’m a terrible girlfriend”
False Permanence: “Things are going to stay this bad forever”
Magical Thinking: “If I were skinnier, my partner wouldn’t have cheated”

Negative thinking patterns have been linked to anxiety, depression, and feelings of shame, guilt, and blame.

These types of messages will retain their grip on your life and mind until you begin calling them out for what they are and replacing them with new and healthier patterns of thinking.

Step 3:

Engage in Self Care

Many of the suggestions below may seem trivial but they are extremely important to your healing process. When you begin to take care of your needs, you will have more energy, support, and nutrients to overcome the struggles you’re facing.

Here are a few practical ways to begin the process of regaining power over your life:

1. Embrace More of Your Wants and Desires

Many victims of abuse recall that their only purpose was to keep their abuser satisfied.

You may have forgotten likes, dislikes, passions, hobbies, etc. To begin the process of healing from your emotional abuse you will need to rediscover who you used to be and who you want to become.

Start Small: Do something you love. Ask yourself what you have been wanting to do. Have you been wanting to join a bowling team, go to a painting class or take up underwater basket weaving? DO IT! And after that, do something else you have wanted to do. This is your time to reclaim your mind and life.

Oftentimes, people who have experienced emotional abuse can carry excessive shame when it comes to being their authentic self.

For more information on this topic check out a leading researcher Brene Brown’s video on how to overcome shame and self worth → HERE

2. Make your Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Needs a Priority

Part of the healing process from emotional abuse is caring for yourself. When in an abusive relationship you can quickly lose sight of what a healthy, normal lifestyle should look like.

Loss of self-esteem is one of the hallmark consequences of emotional abuse victims because they are led to believe they don’t matter or they aren’t valuable. We take care of the people who matter to us. When you take care of your needs, you will begin to develop the belief that you matter.

Treat yourself like you’re valuable and you will begin to feel like you’re valuable too.

Get Yourself Moving

Begin by asking yourself what type of exercise would you enjoy most? Remember, whatever you decide to do is entirely up to you, so do something you love.

Exercise releases endorphins in your brain. These endorphins are often referred to as your brain’s “happy drugs”. They are responsible for regulating your mood. Doing aerobic exercises for as little as 90 minutes each week can help to reduce your risk of depression and help you sleep better.

Eat Right

When you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, your focus is always on the other person. Not only this, the intense emotions in these volatile relationships can lead you to eat in unhealthy ways and amounts. When you begin to eat right, you will find that your body has the nutrients it needs to better regulate your energy levels and emotions.

Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables
Be sure to get your protein
Drink plenty of water
Don’t skip meals
Don’t eat lost of fast food or processed foods

Get Enough Sleep

There is no better way to keep yourself from making progress than being exhausted all the time. Try some of the following:

Creating a routine gives you more control over your life (And enough sleep) . Create a habit of going to sleep at the same time each evening, getting a solid 8 hours of sleep and then waking up at the same time each morning.
Create a relaxing evening routine that helps you wind down (What helps you relax?). Over time, your brain will associate this evening ritual with sleep and you will begin falling asleep faster.
Exercising during the day will help you be sufficiently tired in the evening.
Don’t use electronics before bed.
Be sure your room is sufficiently dark.

Below are some different relaxing activities you can do before going to sleep:

Put on some calming music or sounds of rainstorms, the ocean, etc.
Do 3 minutes of deep breathing
Do 5 minutes of mindfulness exercises
Read a book
Dim the lights
Drink bedtime tea

Be sure to check out our breathing and mindfulness walkthroughs → HERE

3. Create Healthy Relationships and Allow Others to Support You

Friends, family, and faith communities can support you as you work through difficult situations (even if you don’t feel comfortable sharing with them).

While you never have to do anything you don’t want to do, it can be very helpful to find one or two trusted friends or family members who will listen without judgement and offer the empathy and compassion you need to heal.

If this isn’t an option, we suggest you think about joining a support group with other people who have been through traumatic and abusive situations.

Abusive relationships break down your trust in other people and keeps you isolated.

Remaining socially isolated can keep you feeling down and dependent on unhealthy relationships.

It is also common for individuals who receive constant criticism, judgment, and rejection from past abusers to experience feelings of unsafety in social relationships or a fear of being negatively evaluated and rejected by others. If this is the case, make sure to check our blog Social Anxiety Disorder: The Ultimate Guide to Overcome it NOW [2022]

If social isolation has crept up on you, it’s time to reconnect.

Healthy relationships have been linked to increased sense of worth and belonging and decreased stress. Not only this but engaging in healthy relationships also increases the release of those happy neurotransmitters called dopamine, giving you feelings of happiness and fulfillment.

Consider doing the following:

Go to lunch with a friend you have spoken to in a while.
Invite a family member you enjoy to a movie.
Say yes to an invitation when your feelings are telling you to stay home.
Engage in a social hobby to meet new people.

Section 4: Don’t rush yourself, healing can take some time

Be patient and empathetic with yourself as you heal. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel confused, scared, tense, angry or any other emotions that come up.

These feelings are a normal part of the healing process and there is no rush to get past them. They are yours and it’s okay to sit with them and experience them. Having and experiencing painful feelings doesn’t make you anything except courageous.

Step 4:

Set Boundaries

Asserting your boundaries when in an emotional abusive relationship can often antagonize abusers and escalate tension in the relationship. This happens because abusers don’t want you to have control of your life. The more control you begin to take back, the more they begin to feel out of control and chaotic.

Learning how to implement and assert healthy boundaries between you and other people is a necessary step in your journey to retake control over your life

What is a boundary?

Healthy boundaries are indicators that let you and others know when they are crossing over from their space into your space. Just like the fence with a gate in your front yard or your front door, some people should be allowed in and some people shouldn’t.

People who are being abused often have no boundaries and are completely enmeshed with their abusers.

After people have been hurt, they can often erect impenetrable boundaries that keep EVERYONE out.

Both of these are unhealthy.

Healthy boundaries allow the right people in and keep the wrong people out.

Boundaries also let you and everyone else know where YOU begin and where YOU end; what areas of your life are under your control and which are not.

Below is a list of everything that should be within your boundaries, and therefore under YOUR control.

Your thoughts
Your emotions
Your attitude
Your choices
Your behaviors

Healthy boundaries give you control over these areas and allow you to recognize when others are attempting to take your control from you.

In addition, healthy boundaries let you know when others are holding you responsible for areas you are not responsible for: their thoughts, emotions, attitudes, choices, and behaviors.

When you have healthy boundaries you should notice these changes:

You won’t need to defend yourself: You don’t need to defend yourself for anything within your boundaries or feel guilty for having your own needs, wants, or desires. This is as ridiculous as defending what things you keep in your house to your neighbor. It’s not their house and so it’s not their business.

You won’t take it personally: When someone has a problem with what’s in your boundaries, it’s exactly that, their problem. If an abuser doesn’t like the way you act, think or feel or hold you responsible for how THEY think, act or feel, this is also their problem, not yours. These things have nothing to do with you so you should not feel ashamed, guilty, or anything else about it.
You won’t try to make them understand: Trying to make other people understand and approve of what is within your boundaries is like trying to explain to your neighbor why it’s okay for you to love that ugly brown couch you’ve had since college. If that couch is in YOUR living room, the only person’s approval you need is your own!

(For more information on how to set boundaries, check out this videos by Dr. Henry Cloud, author of the book Boundaries HERE)

Step 5:

Know When to Seek Help

Knowledge is power.

Emotional abusers want you to depend on them to determine who you are and how you should see the world. The more knowledge you have, the more power you will have to get your life back under your control.

While working through past and present abuse and the emotional trauma it brings into your life is a difficult process, there are many resources and avenues available to help you along the way.

The old adage “You don’t have to wait until the house if falling apart to fix the windows” is true. Therapy can be a helpful resource for you no matter where in the healing process you find yourself in.

Here is a list of indicators that may be helpful to you when considering if it’s time to seek professional help.

Personal Safety:

You feel unsafe in your current living situation but aren’t sure how to find solutions.
You feel your situation is explosive or potentially destructive.

Emotional Processing

Your feelings are too powerful to face alone and you want help to process.
Your past trauma is too much to handle alone.
You think you may be depressed.
You feel afraid or anxious often.
You’re experiencing nightmares, flashbacks or your startle easily.
You find that you’re not able to manage your day to day responsibilities.
You’re having problems sleeping
You have been using mood altering substances to cope.

If you practise the strategies discussed in this article, you will be well on your way to healing from the wounds of emotional abuse.

What did you learn in this article that you didn’t know before?

Let us know in the comments!

5 Ways to Recover and Love Yourself After a Toxic Relationship per.

How can the effects and consequences of emotional abuse be described? They are invisible. Emotional abuse leaves no physical traces. But what about the deep psychological wounds and heartache that people can't (or don't want to) see?

According to Andrea Matthews, online magazine contributor Psychology Today , Emotional abuse tactics include things like constant criticism and/or control, verbal assault and/or violence, blaming and/or devaluing language, psychological manipulation, total withdrawal from communication, and isolation of the victim from supportive friends and families.

“I know what's best for you. Your friends don't care about you the way I do."

“What are you talking about? I did not say that. You are imagining."

"You won't leave me... And I won't let you do that, even if you try."

"Use less make-up - this way you will look more honest."

The cycle of abuse, described by Dr. Lenora Walker based on the experience of survivors, includes four stages: tension build-up, incident, reconciliation, honeymoon. It also applies to emotional abuse.

Each phase helps keep the victim under the control of the aggressor, in a state of unreality where the victim doubts his own feelings.

The pain of being isolated, humiliated, or controlled by someone you love or are in a relationship with leads to severe consequences that can haunt you for years.

Depression, anxiety, and PTSD are common among survivors of emotional abuse, and lack of support or skepticism from others can make the healing process even more difficult.

Your experience is real, no matter how hard people try to convince you otherwise. You deserve the right to be heard, the right to be healed.

When an emotionally abusive relationship of any kind comes to an end, the big question often arises: “Now what?”. We talked to survivors of emotional abuse, and here are the answers we came up with.

1. Take your time

In a relationship where there is emotional abuse, time is often used to focus your attention, affection and effort on the aggressor.

Time is power, and the aggressors will do everything so that you do not have it left.

Whether it was situations where you were “not allowed” to date a certain friend, told that your long-term dream was a waste of time, constantly questioned your opinion, gaslighted [gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, the main purpose of which is to make a person doubt in the adequacy of their perception of the surrounding reality - approx. per.] controlled who, what, when, where, why, or how you spend your time with—outside of these relationships, you can often feel scared rather than free. And this is absolutely normal.

“I went from the love of his life to a source of disappointment and a burden. Every time I wanted to spend time with him, it could lead to a fight,” Eva says of her toxic relationship that lasted three years. “He threatened to leave me, or he did go away for a short time—that’s how he maintained his power in the relationship. If I wasn't exactly what he wanted me to be, he started threatening me. "

The aggressor wants you to feel lost, scared and alone, as if without her there is a huge hole in your life - but that's not true. And she never was.

Only you decide how to live your life. You can spend as much time as you want on anything and anyone. And you can decide for yourself when, where and how you do it.

Although the effects of abuse may affect your ability to fulfill your desires, you have no time limit for healing.

Take care of yourself on your own terms.

That slam poetry club you've always wanted to join, the pet you've wanted to have for years, or your dream job on the other side of the world... Use your time however you want.

2. Reclaim your boundaries

Boundaries are critical to loving yourself and others.

As the online counseling service 7 Cups explains, boundaries allow you to define your limits: where they start, where they end, and under what conditions you interact with people around you.

Healthy boundaries are established through constant communication, when all participants approach it with responsibility, empathy and understanding.

“For me, healing means recognizing that my needs matter and that I am responsible for them. I can decide what kind of people will surround me, - says Jordan, who suffered from emotional abuse from her parents. “I knew I made the right choice because I felt less stressed and angry, and I had a new mental space and time to surround myself with people who supported me.”

Although Jordan still keeps in touch with her parents, she was able to gradually build boundaries between herself and them and insist on these boundaries - physical distance and time spent away from her parents helped her in this.

You may not feel that way now (or haven't felt that way for a long time), but the power is back in your hands. It's not going anywhere and will be here when you're ready to redefine your boundaries.

And you know what's best? It's all about you .

3. Forgive yourself

What the aggressor did to you was wrong. You didn't deserve it. Guilt, shame, and the fear that you somehow brought all this on yourself are things that do not deserve to be spent on them. And they never deserve it.

Among all that you deserve, forgiving yourself is somewhere at the very top of the list.

Although emotional abuse (“intentional infliction [...] of mental suffering”) is a recognized form of abuse, people still find it difficult to trust survivors and rarely support them.

“When it was people who didn't know him, everyone was incredibly loving and supportive,” Eva says of her experience of talking about violence from her ex-partner. “Nevertheless, when I talked about it with people who knew us together, although they agreed that it was a toxic and terrible relationship and I was manipulated, they were very uncomfortable because of the word “violence”. As if my experience lacked something for them to consider as violence; or they were just (un)comfortable with the word. ”

Violence in any form is never your fault. It doesn't matter what kind of person it was. It doesn't matter how he got into your life. It doesn't matter how long the relationship was. It doesn't matter why you didn't break up.

None of this matters, except for one thing: you've been through it. You survived. You are free. You did it!

4. Knowledge is power

Trying to deal with the topic of violence and figure out what to do next can be a difficult task even on good days and absolutely impossible on bad days.

After being forced to see the world through the eyes of the aggressor (however long it takes), it's perfectly normal to feel confused (and even fearful) because you don't know where to start.

For many, therapy can be a good thing: "[In therapy] I've learned to ask for help and take breaks when I need them," says Cathy, who suffered from toxic friendships five years ago.

During the confrontation with the attacker and her actions, Cathy lost her best friend, whom she had been friends with for eighteen years. “When I was able to talk about what happened without crying or having a panic attack, I realized that I had begun to truly heal,” Katie adds.

Depending on the resources available to you, you may find workshops, classes or seminars that you can attend. A quick web search can reveal local organizations, communities, support groups, and more.

If resources are difficult to access or you are unable to attend a course in person for any reason, the internet is here to help.

There are thousands of articles on everything: how to deal with an abuser, how to end a relationship with a friend, how to recognize a toxic relationship in movies, and so on.

From creating healthy boundaries to conflict resolution techniques, there is a course or article waiting for you. And the knowledge that you get from them will become another tool in your arsenal.

5. Take back your story

People who use emotional abuse on others often plant false ideas in the victim's head to justify the abuse.

Such representations often portray the aggressor as always right, while the victim has no power or say in what the aggressor says or does - the victim can only accept her point of view and agree with her decisions.

Toxic misconceptions can look very different. Among the many lies that bullies seek to convince their victims are that they, the victims, are unable to live their lives without the aggressor, that they are in some sense “damaged goods,” or that no one else will love them.

This is also a form of gaslighting - the aggressor is trying to change your reality by changing the way you see yourself. The conflicting emotions of having someone you trust or love tell you a false, hurtful story about yourself can be very traumatic and have long-term consequences.

The lies your aggressor told you may still affect how you perceive yourself, even after the end of a toxic relationship.

When the aggressor is safely and securely removed from your life, you have the opportunity to reclaim your history. Breaking the aggressor's lies and manipulation through your self-realization can feel like an awakening, but it can also be very emotionally costly.

Recovering your story is a very personal matter and you don't have to do anything if you don't want to: for example, you don't have to tell your story publicly or share it with anyone at all. It doesn't matter how you continue your story - now only you decide what it will be.

* * *

Emotional abuse and its consequences are not easy to heal. You are recovering from months, years, or even decades of destruction, and it is common to experience difficulties in doing so. Because it's really hard. You have been abused and these are the consequences.

Healing is non-linear and the process can take months, years or decades. Everyone needs a different amount of time to heal.

As long as you understand all the details of your situation, your journey can take many different paths, and there are resources available for each step along that path.

Above all, know that you are loved and that you are not alone.

Sophia Stephens is a freelance writer, journalist, speaker, educator and advocate based in Seattle where she/they works with local and national organizations including The Stranger, Kids & Race, Seattle Theater Group, Distinction Music Management, Youth Radio and Northwest Asian Weekly . Sophia's work is mostly related to issues of radical intersectional social justice, politics and pop culture, but if you ask, they will always write a good story for you about their cat. If you want to connect with Sophia, you can always find them on Instagram and Twitter @sophia_akiko.

how to stop || Family practice

Psychological violence in family relationships is the cause of suffering for millions of people. Accurate statistics do not exist, because the tormentors do not consider themselves as such, and the victims do not advertise themselves. This is not about physical beatings, but about inflicting psychological injuries that do not bleed, but hurt much more painfully. A home psychologist in Nizhny Novgorod will help you recognize a dangerous situation in time so that you protect yourself and your loved ones from emotional tyranny.

The essence of family terror

There is nothing terrible in ordinary family conflicts. Such quarrels flare up and immediately die out without fatal consequences for the parties. Psychological abuse is characterized by the methodical, unmotivated emotional pressure of a domestic aggressor on emotionally weak family members and lasts for decades.

The scenario of domestic violence develops gradually. At the initial stage, the dictator assures his love for his relatives, and they completely trust him - so strong, generous, attentive, generous. Then comes a turning point, when the feeling of psychological power in a person prone to tyranny develops into an ineradicable craving for emotional suppression of others.

The most important thing is that such people perfectly understand what they are doing. They cold-bloodedly squeeze the juice out of their victims, despite the fact that these are their own children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers.

“Encountered difficulties? Everything is solved! Book a consultation with us."

Chief physician Kharaburova TL

Where does the aggressor get his strength?

The state of being in love and bringing souls together is wonderful. People trust each other with their secrets, talk about the psychological trauma they received in childhood, share their complexes and fears, hobbies, resentments. Their life, which was revealed in full view, later turns out to be slashed by the emotional weapon of the aggressor. The acquired knowledge is used by him for spiritual pressure, humiliation, insults.

Often people who observe such a situation from the outside are perplexed: why is the sufferer silent and not leaving? It's all about the skillful manipulation of a person's weaknesses, which he himself once revealed to the aggressor.

Consulting

Psychotherapist

Psychologist

Family psychologist

The suffering side does not leave the tormentor and does not even try to defend himself. Although the situation is not always hopeless. When the victim is asked why he does not leave, there are a lot of excuses:

fear of being judged by acquaintances;
material dependence;
desire to keep the family for the sake of children;
hope that everything will change.

But nothing changes. Domestic violence is repeated in a circle, every known stage passes from year to year. As a result, an inadequate member of the family strengthens his strength, while the rest of the household loses health and self-esteem collapses.

How to understand that a person has a mental disorder?

It is possible to understand that a family member has a craving for despotism by the following signs that arise cyclically:

a person withdraws into himself, becomes silent;
the oppressed state is outwardly not motivated by anything;
he often gets irritated with nonsense and gets angry for no reason;
suddenly throws out negative things on the victim, accusing them of trifles or non-existent things.

The tyrant humiliates and insults the sufferer until he is completely emotionally devastated. Next comes the breakdowns. The aggressor does not recognize his inadequate behavior. Refers to the circumstances, shifts the blame on the victim. The arguments are so convincing that the tormented side begins to believe in what is the reason for such behavior and forgives the aggressor for insults. It's incredible, but after such an emotional mockery, he also asks for forgiveness.

Treatment programs

Treatment of depression

Family conflicts

Stress treatment

Neuroses, phobias

Alternatively, the family tyrant denies the extent of the conflict and claims that the story is grossly exaggerated. It is not difficult to believe in this: there comes a period of reconciliation, when, having received an emotional charge, a satisfied tyrant calms down for a while. The instinct of self-preservation prompts him to take care of the victim. Therefore, until the next attack, he will be affectionate and gentle.

What to do?

During the "calm" period, a person with psychological disorders looks adequate and convincing. Since he has a weapon in his hands in the form of the weaknesses of the victim, he skillfully arouses pity, puts pressure on a sense of duty, recalls the happy events of a life together. He leads his reasoning to the fact that the sufferer got what he deserved.

In such a situation, it is important to understand that no one has the right to insult, humiliate and mock another family member under any circumstances. A person who says that he does it for the sake of great love is lying. Such people should not be listened to. You have to look at their actions.

You cannot endure emotional torture and subject yourself to psychological pressure. The further, the more difficult it is to end a relationship with a tyrant. After the psychological traumas received, it is rarely possible for anyone to recover on their own. You need to contact a psychologist who will help you recover.

Get rid of hope

Do not hope that the inadequate will come to his senses. There will be changes, but for the worse. Over time, attacks will be more frequent and lead to assault. The tyrant himself will sincerely repent from time to time and make promises that he will change. But as soon as the time comes for replenishing energy, he will break his word in order to restore his psychological comfort.

Under no circumstances should such a situation be tolerated for the sake of the children. They get negative family experiences. In the future, they themselves will become victims of tyrants or take an example from a dictator parent and begin to manipulate people. At best, they will fall into the hands of a good psychologist who will help to neutralize the psychological harm caused to them in childhood and become happy.

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