He ended the affair
When an Affair Ends Abruptly: Your Next Steps
Taking mindful steps for self-care and deliberate steps with your primary partner can help to move beyond an affair.
Most affairs are a flurry of passion, secrecy, and blitzing momentum. So when all of that energy suddenly stops due to being caught, someone’s conscience or mismatched desire, one or both people can feel bewildered at what to do with all their emotions.
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, an estimated 25% of men and 15% of women engage in intercourse with someone outside their spouse. Affairs of emotional or physical relations without intercourse increase these numbers by 20%.
While affairs vary in duration, the majority ultimately come to an end at some point — which can trigger many emotions.
Feeling depressed once an affair ends isn’t unusual.
“It is [typical] for individuals to experience a sense of loss and sadness, especially if the breakup was unexpected,” explains Parisa Ghanbari, a registered psychotherapist in Toronto, Canada.
“Just like when a [monogomous] relationship ends, ending an affair can be shocking and heartbreaking,” she adds.
As such, “for the first few months, it is [understandable] for one to emotionally grieve, miss their partner, and even feel angry if they did not make the decision to end it,” Ghanbari shares.
It’s OK if you feel other emotions, too.
“It’s also possible to feel some relief that the affair is over since it implies an end to the anxiety that often accompanies secrecy and deception,” says Afshan Mohamedali, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York.
Though we sometimes wish otherwise, we can’t switch feelings on and off.
“Like any relationship, the amount of time it takes to ‘get over’ an affair varies,” Mohamedali explains.
However, in some instances, the time it takes for emotions to subside is longer than the affair itself.
“It usually takes six months to one year to emotionally bounce back,” Ghanbari says. “If one is taking longer [than this] to recover, it is possible that she or he is dealing with complicated grief.
”
For the sake of all involved, it’s essential to move on and put the outside relationship behind you. But how can you effectively do this? You may consider:
Turning to loved ones
“Reaching out to friends and leaning on their emotional support post-breakup can help,” Ghanbari says.
Talking about your feelings and getting advice from family and friends is about more than just the act of conversation. Research from 2015 shows the emotional support an inner circle provides contributes to lower levels of distress.
Being accountable
Taking responsibility for what’s happened can be uncomfortable, but doing so is vital.
“Taking accountability for your actions and the consequences they have had is the best way to move forward,” Mohamedali notes. “With honesty comes the chance to receive forgiveness, including from yourself.”
Considering the ‘why’
Recognizing the driving factors behind why you entered the affair will enable you to address any issues, either individually or within your primary relationship, and move forward more mindfully.
Mohamedali suggests asking self-queries to help you understand your actions. For example:
- What purpose did the infidelity serve for me at that moment in time?
- How did I feel when I was with the other person?
- How can I find mindful ways to feel that way again?
Following the 10-10-10 rule
The “10-10-10 rule” — made popular by the author and journalist Suzy Welch — involves asking yourself what the consequences of your action(s) will be in the next:
- 10 minutes
- 10 months
- 10 years
“Applying [the 10-10-10 rule] may help one to regulate the immediate overwhelming, painful emotions that come after the affair,” Ghanbari explains. “It helps one to reframe the situation and think more rationally and clearly.”
Moving past the guilt
It’s understandable to feel guilty about your actions and their negative impact on others.
However, it’s key to understand that “prolonged guilt won’t help you move forward or motivate you to make the changes you hope to make,” reveals Mohamedali.
Seeking professional help
“There is a lot to make sense of as an affair comes to an end, and you [may] make efforts to recommit to your relationship and yourself,” Mohamedali notes.
Speaking with a therapist or counselor can help you sort out “seemingly conflicting thoughts and feelings,” she adds.
Sex therapists have specialized training in issues of:
- affairs
- betrayal trauma
- relationship concerns
Just because you had an affair may not mean you don’t love your partner and want to make your primary relationship work. If you both choose to, together you can get things back on track with time, effort, compassion, and understanding.
To aid in achieving this, Mohamedali shares a few crucial approaches:
- Patience is key. “Be mindful that acceptance and trust take time to rebuild.”
- Prepare for change. “Accept that the relationship you are recommitting yourself to might not be the same and that it’s alright if it’s changed.
” - Be more transparent. “Your partner is likely sensitive to secrecy and prone to suspicion. That’s [typical].”
- Appreciate each other. “Remember that every day is a decision to be together.”
- Consider couples therapy. This provides “a neutral and safe space to voice your thoughts, process the past, and hear each other’s pain.”
Just like monogamous relationships, affairs can take an emotional toll when they end.
Whether or not you’re returning to your primary relationship, working through your feelings and actions is essential to closing the door on an affair and helping prevent further distress.
Receiving support from friends, taking accountability, and letting go of guilt are all steps that can aid in going forward — and don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you’re finding healing more of a challenge.
What Can Happen When Affair Partners Go 'No Contact'?
Bill and Jayla have just entered marriage therapy after Jayla discovered Bill’s affair with Sarah.
During their first session, the therapist tells them that part of the affair recovery requires that Bill immediately enact a strict “no contact” with his affair partner, Sarah.
The counselor explains that marriage is for two people–not three–and that marital repair won’t begin until Bill fully concludes his relationship with Sarah. It’s further explained that Jayla’s emotional pain will not dissipate while Bill remains in contact with Sarah.
With a heavy heart, Bill tells Sarah that their relationship must end. He explains that his focus is on repairing his marriage and that all contact with her will immediately conclude.
He then deletes and blocks all electronic avenues of contact between himself and Sarah: email, phone, and social media.
Block.
Delete.
Erase.
Done.
Gone.
Like switching off a light, Bill extinguished all contact with Sarah. Now he can begin the arduous task of repairing his marriage with Jayla.
All it took was one succinct communication and a quick click of the block and delete buttons to clear Sarah from Bill’s phone, email, social media—and life.
Or did it?
Did immediately implementing the ‘no contact’ policy conclude the relationship between Bill and Sarah? Everyone knows the relationship with the affair partner must end if recovery is to occur, but does an abrupt and forced ‘no contact’ actually work? Does it bring the affair to a screeching halt?
DECISIVE CLOSURE
When two people are in a relationship, the relationship belongs to them. Together, they decide about the relationship, its future, its direction, and its ending.
Think about your relationship or that of another. Can any outside party direct you or your partner to end your relationship? Can you determine if another’s relationship should continue or conclude? Of course not.
In the ‘no contact’ policy, parties outside the affair relationship are directing the relationship’s conclusion and not the two people within it. These parties are the spouse or partner who did not have an affair and the therapist. You can almost hear them speaking in unison: “If this relationship is going to continue, you must immediately end the affair.
” ‘
And that’s true.
No one disputes the fact that an affair must conclude. However, that’s different from what’s in question.
The sticky point, however, is that the decision to conclude it—and the act of ending it — needs to be initiated and done by the person in the affair for the best recovery outcomes.
When the person involved in the affair purposefully and intentionally directs the conclusion of the affair relationship, it serves to reassure their partner or spouse. Making an independent decision—and then decisively acting–conveys to the partner they hope to repair with, “I choose you,” and this kind of reassurance is paramount to recovery.
If the party involved in the affair ends the affair relationship because they feel pressured, directed, or forced, it can cause doubt in the partner. For example, the partner may feel that they ended the affair because they were under pressure or had no choice.
An analogous illustration that comes to mind is when an adult instructs a child to deliver an apology for wrongdoing.
Knowing he’s in trouble and what his parents expect, the child offers a mumbled “I’m sorry.” The adult remarks that the apology didn’t sound believable. “I said it, didn’t I?” the child says as he shrugs his shoulders. Technically, he delivered the apology—but something about it didn’t quite feel sorrowful. The child obliged the will of the adults. It did not truly come from him.
PREMATURE ENDING
In the infidelity triad, there are two relationship realms. There is a relationship between the committed or married pair in one realm and, in the other, two parties in the affair relationship.
The one with the committed or married pair is tense, conflicted, emotionally dense, distant, and painfully lonely. This realm possesses relationship discord and disconnect.
The affair realm provides intimacy, freshness, novelty, closeness, romance, sentiment, and vitality. It is captivating and gripping to those in it.
Now, think for a moment about the state of a relationship in decline.
A relationship near its conclusion will show signs of distress.
The couple may live separate lives, may lack affection and contact, or include bickering and disparaging remarks toward one another. The relationship’s end is approaching.
The affair relationship and for various reasons (including its secret nature), does not exhibit signs of stress, strain, or discord. The relationship is not in decline and is nowhere near its natural conclusion.
The swift implementation of ‘no contact’ abruptly and dramatically brings the affair relationship to a screeching halt that was not near its natural end.
UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES
‘No contact’ is a tactic designed to bring an affair to a swift and permanent conclusion, yet the sudden, forced, and premature ending of the affair relationship can cause the counter-effect of escalating yearning and increasing desire between the affair partners.
We have to ask: Does ‘no contact’ end the affair relationship?
Let’s look a little further.
“NO CONTACT” AS A “GET BACK YOUR EX” STRATEGY
To illustrate the effect of ‘no contact,’ consider this:
Among dating experts, a frequently employed strategy to ‘win back the ex’ is to implement ‘no contact’!
Dating coaches know that going ‘no contact’ can increase desire and attractiveness following a breakup. It resembles the adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
To further illustrate this concept, consider the parent who disapproves of their child’s friend choice. The parent forbids his child to play with the undesirable friend. What is the standard response to the forbidden friendship? Two people sneak around behind the parent to play with the banned friend.
Forbidden relationships can inspire rebellious acts to communicate with the one placed out of reach.
If ‘no contact’ successfully ‘wins back the ex,’ then it begs the question: “What impact does it have when affair partners go ‘no contact’?”
THE IMPACT ON THE AFFAIR PARTNER
An attachment bond often forms in the affair relationship because affairs comprise bonding behaviors that include secrecy, sex, novelty, and adventure.
The bonding can be deep and powerful.
The sudden ending of such a potent, highly intense relationship also affects the reaction and response of the affair partner. Breaking a bond between people is traumatizing, and the affair relationship is no different.
The affair partner may also surmise that their committed or married lover does not want to end their relationship but is ‘forced’ to because of discovery.
The shocking and unanticipated ending can propel the affair partner into a tailspin as it dramatically whisks away the lover. Abrupt departures are emotionally jolting.
REASSURING THE PARTNER THAT DID NOT HAVE THE AFFAIR
It would be easy to conclude that the person in the committed relationship or marriage that did not engage in the affair experiences relief and calm when no contact occurs as the affair relationship (appears to) have ended.
Unfortunately, this is rarely the case.
Demonstrating a conclusion by deleting a phone contact, blocking an email address, or that the affair partner is no longer a social media contact does not truly remedy the situation.
These tangible and observable indicators that the affair partner ‘is out of my life’ help a bit, but intense anxiety and unease persist.
Everyone knows that people do not turn on and turn off relationships with the flip of a switch. Human bonding and attachment don’t work like that. Relationships require time and energy to build. They also take time and energy to conclude.
Since affairs take place behind the back of a partner or spouse, the party that did not engage in the affair often expresses extreme anxiety about ‘what else’ they ‘can’t see.’ The experience goes like this: “If I couldn’t see and didn’t know about the affair, what else lurks in that secret hiding place? There must be more!”
Even when the partner engaged in the affair says, logically and reasonably, “Look, I blocked and deleted them. I’m not in contact. Here’s the proof.”
These matters are not occurring with logic, reason, and rationality. Instead, they are emotional matters, and the emotions have distinctive warning signals and rationality.
Even when partners who did not engage in the affair can see that the affair partner is blocked and deleted and perhaps have full access to their partner’s cell phone—they cannot ‘see’ what is inside their partner’s head or heart, where the affair partner may still live and occupy affection.
They wonder, “Do you still think of them? What fond memories do you have of them? Do you want to be with me, or are you just with me because I found out, and you had no choice but to end it?”
Observable, verifiable indicators of ‘no contact’ rarely deliver peace, calm, comfort, and reassurance, even when all evidence and ‘proof’ suggest a concluded relationship. Doubts remain when trust and safety are compromised.
CONCLUDING THE AFFAIR: WHAT WORKS?
For affair recovery, there’s nothing controversial about stating that the affair relationship must conclude. But how that ending occurs is a very delicate and complicated matter deserving examination, consideration, and scrutiny.
What is the best way to conclude the affair?
In my work with couples coping with the aftermath of infidelity, I see success with the couple when the person who engaged in the affair starts the affair’s conclusion, demonstrating a sincere desire to conclude it. They need to bring the affair to closure in a way they are comfortable with and consider their partner’s feelings, needs, and level of comfort.
The affair’s conclusion must be expedient and swift but not hasty. It requires careful deliberation with the help of a trained professional. If conducted abruptly, too casually or conveys a possibility of a future meeting (such as, “I can’t see you right now…”), it won’t fully bring it to a conclusion. It must be firm, clear, direct, and absolute. And it must include these two facets: 1) That there is to be no further communication, and 2) That the committed party has decided to remain in their relationship or marriage.
The best way to conclude an affair is to do it with thoughtful intention.
Rushing or being hasty may backfire.
The person who engaged in the affair may need some time to experience a ‘breakup’ and grieve. (This is very painful for all involved in the triad, but the aim is the best possible outcome for restoring trust and safety.) Feelings of heartache and loss may surface, as this is true when any relationship ends. Rushing it will not make matters proceed faster but may slow down and interrupt the healing process.
The affair’s conclusion must include the spouse who did not engage in the affair. Now that the affair is no longer secret, concluding the affair needs to occur in the light of day. There can be no more secrets.
SUMMARY
The first step in affair recovery is the conclusion of the outside relationship. The affair relationship needs to be concluded with great care so the couple can proceed to the next recovery phase.
It is in the best interest of the couple and their future to get this critical part of the process done correctly so that the affair ends.
When conducted suddenly, directed by anyone other than the person in the affair relationship, or is a rushed process, unresolved feelings of longing and desire may linger or re-emerge, even if there’s concrete evidence of its conclusion.
After discovery, all interactions with the affair partner–including concluding it–must occur in full view of the spouse or partner who did not engage in the affair. It must take their feelings and level of comfort into consideration.
Approaching the conclusion of the affair relationship in this way helps ensure that the affair comes to a complete stop. It also increases the likelihood that the party who did not engage in the affair knows they are the freely chosen one and that their partner genuinely does not want the affair partner.
This approach is slower and more complex. However, it is much more efficient and delivers better results.
The ending of the affair is a painful process for all parties involved, and ending the affair is the crucial first — but often misunderstood and poorly managed—step in the recovery process.
PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR FULL RECOVERY
From the safety and comfort of my office, I help guide and support couples through the most effective means of ending affairs and relationship repair and recovery. In addition, I provide full emotional support to both partners during the process. If you need help on this matter, get in touch today.
For an audio version of this post, you can listen to LoveBonds, the podcast here.
Save
Terri DiMatteo, LPC
Helping New Jersey Couples Restore Connection and Repair After Infidelity since 2012.
opendoortherapy.net
Like this:
Like Loading...
The meaning of the proverb "Finished business - walk boldly!"
Contents
- What does the proverb mean?
- The meaning of the proverb
- An example of the use of the proverb
The proverb is familiar to many people from school. The child, as a rule, comes home from school, has lunch and asks to take a walk with friends in the yard.
But his parents tell him: “Lessons first. Business before pleasure". Perhaps this folk wisdom came from there - from the many years of experience of parents and grandmothers who tried to teach children and grandchildren how to properly organize their time. nine0003
What does the proverb mean?
The proverb “Finished business - walk boldly” means that only when a person has completed the planned business, he can start rest and entertainment - go for a walk or lie down to rest. First, the most important and complex is done, and then the easy and pleasant.
If you start having fun without finishing important things, then you won’t be able to rest calmly, and after this rest you will be reluctant to start doing things.
Meaning of the proverb
The meaning of the proverb is that each person should learn to set priorities correctly and plan their time wisely. First, while there is strength, important things are done that require maximum concentration of attention and a lot of effort.
Then you can move on to less important things, and only then - to relax. nine0003
If you first relax and have fun, and then, at the very last moment, get down to business, then a person, be it a child or an adult, will not be able to do a quality job. The energy reserve for the day will have already been spent. And besides, who is pleased to walk all day long with the thought that in the evening a difficult and not the most pleasant thing awaits? It’s better to do it right away and forget (“Out of sight, out of mind”).
An example of the proverb application
Time management (the ability to properly manage your personal time) is more relevant than ever in our time. People are very busy with work, everyone is constantly assigned a sea of tasks: from the boss, from the family, from the children. And I also want to devote time to myself, not only to life and work. Therefore, it is important to plan your time very thoughtfully. nine0003
Modern time management is based on the wise principles of time management, based on the experience of many generations.
Among them - and the principle of "did the job - walk boldly." After all, one of the basic rules of time management is the correct prioritization. First of all, when planning things for the coming day, you should understand which of them are the most important and difficult to complete. They need to be put at the top of your to-do list.
"Eat a frog for breakfast" is a very common time management phrase. In terms of meaning, it is just similar to the proverb "Did the job - walk boldly." To "eat a frog" means to do something very difficult and unpleasant. For breakfast - this means in the morning, first thing, immediately after waking up. Think with what joyful feeling you will be able to take on further business when the most difficult and unpleasant of them is already behind you! nine0003
People who know how to organize their time correctly are valued in any job. Also at home, in everyday life, the hostess who manages everything, and does not “sit” all day long on social networks, endlessly postponing household chores “for later” causes more admiration.
Planning your affairs and managing your personal time are very useful skills in modern life, which you can start teaching children from 5-6 years old. They will come in very handy in school and in adulthood!
I don't finish anything
141,393
Know yourselfCareer and self-realization
They find it difficult to finish work on time. They can flunk the exam, deciding not to take it, although they prepared well for it. Why is this happening? “Such people live outside of time,” explains analytical psychotherapist Galina Berezovskaya. “They operate under the influence of the unconscious, which conflicts with the conscious part of their psyche. Something painfully experienced in the past prevents them today from establishing cause-and-effect relationships, being consistent and responsible, but in this way it protects them from negative emotions and strong feelings. nine0003
Conflict with reality
Until a project is completed, a thesis is completed, or a report is prepared, it seems that everything is still in our power.
The put point means that from this moment on, the business we were busy with is under the scrutiny of other people.
“This situation can provoke an unconscious fear that the result will not be appreciated, and our abilities and dedication to the work will be called into question,” says Galina Berezovskaya. “Negative expectations can be so painful that some of us involuntarily begin to drag out work, easily switching to another.” This gives such people the opportunity to avoid confrontation with reality and protects against disappointment. Until the work is completed, the illusion of one's own omnipotence remains. nine0003
“Such situations are especially acute for those who were raised by an imperious mother who controls the smallest details of life,” says Galina Berezovskaya. “Most likely, even as an adult, such a person will need approval, unconditional love and avoid everything that can increase his self-doubt.”
Lack of a clear goal
Having declared that a sharp rise in his career is not far off, a year later he will most likely remain in his previous position.
Readily taking on an unbearable burden of many things, he again will not be able to complete a single thing ... “The reason for this attitude to work is an erroneous understanding of one's duties,” emphasizes coach Segolene Colonna. “Sometimes the employer cannot clearly define where the competence of each employee begins and ends.” As a result, employees are drowning in business. nine0003
The best motivation is a feeling of pleasure from what has already been done
“Passion for an idea, a passionate impulse to complete a certain task easily comes and goes if we do not have a clear idea why we are doing it,” the coach explains. And even the most sincere intention is not embodied in a specific result.
Do not insist that such a person immediately return to the case and explain the reasons why he did not complete it - this will only provoke him to experience his weak character. The best motivation for him is the feeling of pleasure from what has already been done.
After all, the reason for his inconsistency is not in the absence of willpower, but in the lack of clarity of vision. Therefore, questions like “Why didn’t you finish what you started again?” should be replaced with those that will push for rational action, say: “What are you planning to do in order to successfully implement what you have planned?” nine0003
Escape from the fear of death
To complete what you have begun means to part with it. Unconscious experiences at such a moment may be consonant with early childhood fears. “Some children are especially keenly aware of the forced separation from their mother or weaning from her breast,” says Galina Berezovskaya. - Deadly horror - so you can define their feeling at this moment. It is imprinted in the unconscious and unexpectedly manifests itself in situations that are associative reminiscent of that first separation. nine0003
Anastasia, 26 years old, manager:
“I entered the university on the first try.
When it came time to pass the session, I began to jitters: I was sure that I would fail the exams. This fear was so strong that I ended up in the hospital. I always studied with pleasure, but every time on the eve of the exam I looked for any opportunity to avoid it. I wrote an interesting dissertation, but I was so horrified by his defense that I had to take an academic leave. Desperation led me to a psychotherapist. The therapy helped me understand that all these years my will was paralyzed by a childish fear of not being up to par, of feeling like an outcast in my family again. Today, after five months of therapy, I seem to be able to cope with this experience and hope to complete my diploma.” nine0003
By delaying the completion of work, we seem to be performing some kind of maneuver designed to help us avoid one of the most difficult experiences.
What to do?
Make a clear plan. Among the many projects, choose the one in which you feel more competent.
