Grieving the loss of a friendship

Take part to the extent possible in organizing the funeral . These worries will keep you active, preventing you from sinking into grief. Take on a feasible task in accordance with your current psychological and physical condition. Of course, if you are the closest person to the deceased, then the decision of the main organizational issues will most likely fall on you. If others are doing this, you can read the Psalter for the deceased, go to church. If you are unable to pray, entrust it to someone you know, preferably a believer.

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The first days after the loss of a loved one

Funerals and commemorations have passed... Relatives and friends who supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to normal life, to their own affairs. Attention and care for you on their part is becoming less and less. And you still grieve, and it seems that it will never end.

How to live on? How to adapt to a new situation? If you have already begun to ask yourself these questions, then you understand that you need to change something in your attitude to life. This does not mean that you should forget the deceased, pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, grief must be lived through, but with the least bodily and emotional disturbances. What is needed for this?

First of all, try to realize at what moments of your life you became most vulnerable — whether it is in everyday life, emotional, perhaps professional. When you understand where the "biggest gap" is, it will be easier to close it. And, just as a small child gradually learns to walk, begin to cope with new tasks on your own.

For example, a man who has lost his wife, who did all the housework, can learn to manage the house himself, or he can turn to special services to maintain the comfort of the house at the usual level. Someone will have to learn how to cook, someone will have to make decisions. This is especially difficult if earlier almost everything was decided for you, so do not hesitate to consult with authoritative people, turn to specialists.

And another important point: for the first time after the death of a loved one try to postpone the solution of global issues for some time (buying / selling real estate, moving, etc.).

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Things are more complicated with emotions:

Do not listen to those who advise you to “be strong, hold on, take courage…” . Do not accumulate tears! If you feel like crying, cry; if you feel sad, be sad. Tears are a normal physiological reaction to pain, in this case, to mental pain. It's a kind of emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and devastated, but it becomes easier for him. Know that you have the right to express your feelings and you don't have to make excuses for them. Be sure to explain to young children that your emotions are not caused by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. If you hold back tears, the child may try to copy your behavior without understanding its reasons, and subsequently will hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, let the child cry for the dead if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live his feelings.

Consider who you can talk to about a loved one who has left you . If there is no such person in your environment, use the modern possibilities of psychological support - for example, the Memoriam website, helplines, psychological assistance services. The main thing is to speak. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears... Do not be shy to appear weak, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the dead with God.

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Do not try to talk to the deceased . Physically, he is no longer around. Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to those who are trying to tell you about superstitions, signs and so on.

Keeping a diary helps soften acute emotions . Write about your thoughts, feelings, about the pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed over this period of time. What feelings have become stronger? Which ones are gone? What have you learned? Such introspection will reveal your weaknesses and strengths. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support where you are not confident in yourself.

Another way to relieve pain is to write a letter to the deceased . Even if death was not sudden, there is always a lot of unspoken, unspoken. Write. You need it, not him. If you haven't said something important, you have the opportunity to do it now. Don't be afraid to look funny because there is nowhere to send the letter, you can just burn it. It is important that the letter will help to get rid of the burden of inconsistencies that you are carrying.

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If you don't like to write, but emotions and memories overwhelm you, try this method. Place two jars side by side. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember the deceased kind and good - drop one ball into the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some bleak incident, resentment, quarrel - write on a piece of paper what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the sheet into a ball and put it in another jar. It will be a bank of your grievances. How long you will do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and good memories are already "lying" in the memory bank, close it and put it where you see fit. Now all the bright memories are before your eyes. See how many there are. When new grievances no longer pop up in your memory, choose a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.

Be natural in grief . Do not allow others to impose any behavior patterns. At the same time, do not refuse the help of loved ones if you need it. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.

Be patient . No one can tell how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will recede, then it will surge with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially difficult. For many years, pain can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Year's Day or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Unleash your memories, order a memorial service in the temple, pray at home, visit the cemetery.

Fear

One of the strongest feelings that can accompany loss is fear. Night or day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?

It is important to understand that this is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a "childish" reaction to the unknown surrounding you after the death of a loved one. To regain your "adult" state, stay "here and now", try the following.

If you feel fear, first look around. After all, there is no immediate threat to your life and health? Do this: select five colors that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? Look at any objects, but you should not just recognize the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud.

Look at what surrounds you. Pay attention to the colors, perhaps call them out loud. Photo: Oskars Sylwan / Unsplash

Next, select five sounds: a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV set, anything, but there should also be five sounds. In the silence of the night, it can be the sound of your breathing, the beating of your heart, the rustling of a blanket, the wind in the foliage outside the window, the sound of water in the pipes ... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.

Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Are your hands warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Nape and neck area. Back. The abdomen and groin. Feel all these parts of the body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.

For visually and hearing impaired people, color or sound discrimination can be replaced by the tactile sensations of objects. Touch what is near you. Identify five different sensations - wool carpet, cool wood furniture, soft upholstery of a chair, paper wallpaper ... Try to distinguish the subtle smells emitted by these objects. Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality with irrational fears.

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Physiology

Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and the somatic (bodily). Deep experience can cause diseases of the body. Grief manifests itself in the appearance of a person. Grieving muscularly clamped, tense, unable to relax. Such tension can cause sleep disturbance, which, in turn, leads to respiratory disorders, pressure surges, and heart disease. Muscle clamps are best relieved by massage - and this is not a whim, this is a necessity! If you have previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now, if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist. Don't ignore your body's needs.

Try to follow your daily routine . Do not forget about food, but do not rush to the other extreme - do not "jam" grief. If the “urge to eat something” is uncontrollable, try to understand: are you really hungry or just need to be comforted in this way? If you lack emotional support, seek it from loved ones, friends, or professionals.

Another vital need to be met is sleep . If you can't fix it on your own, see your doctor for medical support.

The pace of your life is also a very important aspect. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all the functions that you easily coped with before. Allow yourself to reduce stress , remember that stress has a negative impact on all areas of life. Get more rest. Evaluate what kind of rest is better - active or passive. Don't be afraid to show weakness and don't feel guilty about it. You will return to your normal rhythm when you can, but for now, just take care of yourself.

Time passes, emotions that prevented breathing weaken, are replaced by others. You will always miss a dead person, just a sharp pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then they will become bright. So, the most difficult period is over. Grieving does not mean forgetting. It means learning to live fully after the loss of a loved one.

From the memoriam.ru forum:

I went through most of my son's things before 40 days. I put his school uniform, some shoes, a new, never worn down jacket in a huge box. She asked her friend to look for who needs things for the boy. The mother of one of her friends found a large family, and everything was handed over to her. I was later told that when the family received the things and the boy tried them on, the parents cried with happiness, because they themselves would never have bought such good things. I asked the boy's name. It turned out Misha, like my son. Here is such a miracle. I immediately felt remarkably calm. For a while, of course. And I couldn’t part with the most expensive and memorable things and I don’t want to. I take care of them.

M.

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Healing tears

Nothing in the world exists just like that. And it is no coincidence that we are endowed with the ability to cry from birth. For example, for an infant, crying is the only way to get attention. As children grow older, especially boys, they already begin to be ashamed of tears and cry less and less. But still, in the life of each of us there are moments when even the most persistent men can hardly hold back tears.

Emotional tears are the body's reaction to moments of life that are extremely difficult for the psyche: grief, resentment, disappointment, annoyance, pity, as well as joy, tenderness, tenderness, and even a manifestation of love. True, tears of happiness are very rare, mostly a person cries when he is very ill. No wonder such tears are popularly called bitter. They help our psyche to cope with a difficult situation.

We can say that emotional tears “wash away” stress. Crying is inherently the most effective means of expressing human emotions.

Some people find it very difficult to bear the sight of other people's tears. The call "Don't cry!" for them - the only way out of a traumatic situation, when they are not able to calm them down with anything else. After all, not everyone is capable of compassion. Many are simply lost, seeing the weeping and sobbing of the grieving, and do not know how to act and what to do.

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Most often they hope that with time the suffering person will cope with his grief on his own and he does not need help in this matter. It's a delusion. Previously, people did not fence themselves off from crying. The dead were mourned by the whole village, and these traditions were based on many years of folk wisdom. It was considered perfectly normal to pour out your pain with bitter tears. Then it would never have occurred to anyone to say to the mourner: “Don’t cry!” And now you hear it very often. The main reason for such attempts at “consolation” lies in the fact that there is a pattern in our minds: if a person cries, it means that he is in pain. I stopped shedding tears - the sadness was gone. But it's not.

And it happens that people themselves forbid themselves to cry. It seems to them that, giving vent to emotions, they will only make things worse for themselves and those close to them. To cry for such strong-willed people means to “fall apart”, and they cannot afford it. As a result, unshed tears do not disappear anywhere, but are driven into the depths of the soul, where they accumulate and accumulate. It is difficult to imagine what unexpected consequences this will turn out to be, but it is clear that the body of the grieving person in such cases experiences great overload, and an emotional breakdown can happen at any moment. The conflict between the need to express one's feelings and the fear of expressing them leads to neurosis and depression.

Suppression of tears can also affect physical health. The fact is that when emotions are blocked, muscle tension occurs, as a result of which the work of the whole organism is disrupted. Any emotion is energy, and, according to the law of conservation of energy, it does not disappear anywhere, even if we try our best to suppress it in ourselves. Therefore, the best way to get rid of negativity and pain is to let them out.

Don't hold back your tears. Tears can be healing. Photo: Christian Newman / Unsplash

Grieving at work How to help yourself when you have to go through acute grief and at the same time continue to work, fulfill your social functions

You can allow yourself to grieve at work. The only question is whether colleagues will be able to be tactful and attentive, whether they will give a person as much time as he needs to recover from the tragedy. Unfortunately, many are only enough for a few words of sympathy, and then someone else's grief begins to oppress them. What can be advised here? While you are genuinely empathized, share your pain. But even if there is no support around, you can hide the tears, but you don’t need to hold them back. There is always an option - to retire and cry. At the same time, do not be offended by those who do not sympathize with your grief, treat this with understanding and patience.

It also happens: a person would be happy to cry, but there are simply no tears. To relieve muscle tension resulting from suppression of feelings, there are various techniques and breathing exercises. But this problem is best solved with the help of a specialist psychologist.

On your own, you can help yourself with moderate physical activity, such as stretching exercises, swimming. Also in these situations, any creativity helps a lot.

We all know that women cry more than men. This is partly due to social stereotypes. In our society, crying is interpreted as a manifestation of weakness, helplessness, infantilism. From childhood, boys are taught that it is shameful to shed tears: “Be courageous, boys do not roar.” Parents in this respect can be understood - they pursue an educational goal. But still, it is necessary to distinguish between the moments when it is appropriate to say: “Don’t cry,” and when it is necessary to accept the tears of a child and teach him to express his emotions correctly. By the way, the fact that the representatives of the stronger sex live less than women is largely due to their emotional restraint.

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Yes, men by nature have such a feature of protective behavior as high control over the manifestation of any emotions, both positive and negative. But despite this, a man also needs help when grief befalls him. Advise him not to be ashamed of his tears and to cry when he feels like it. Because it's so natural! If the grieving person is numb and cannot express his pain, you need to help him burst into tears. However, it is worth remembering that only cleansing tears are beneficial and healing for us, after which we feel relief. When a person, like a whirlpool, is sucked in by grief and despondency, tears from healing become harmful.

Anyone who experiences the death of a loved one experiences longing, cowardice, and even grumbling. This is a normal reaction of our psyche to grief. Danger arises when sadness is replaced by despair - the loss of hope. If a person falls into despair, then tears from a cleansing medicine for the soul turn into a nutrient substrate, on which diseases of the soul begin to parasitize, making life unbearable. Tears in this case can become a way of life, which, of course, is not necessary for either the deceased or the one who cries about him. No matter how unbearable grief is, do not drive yourself into despondency and sadness. Remember that the cause of despair lies in the person himself - in how he perceives what is happening to him, from where he draws strength to overcome the difficult path and whether he draws them at all.

From the memoriam.ru forum:

My husband died on New Year's Eve. Around the pre-holiday fuss, people are getting ready - they are buying food and gifts, but I am alone with my grief. Those who sympathized quickly plunged into their lives. The "vacuum" has come.

I read that you have to let yourself cry, shout out. And grief really rushed out of me. Every evening on the way home from work, I checked to see if the neighbors' lights were on, to see if I could let myself go in my room today or sit in the bathroom and howl with the water turned on. But in any case, as soon as she crossed the threshold, she sat down on a bench in the hallway and began to howl and yell, barely closing the door behind her. After that, it became a little easier to breathe.

On holidays and weekends, she retired to the village and howled: “Where are you, my beloved?! I am dying without you! I can not live without you!" It just worked out that way. The cat started yelling at me too. And the stray dog ​​that lived on our street, which my husband loved and fed, also howled. And around the holiday and fireworks. And no one, probably, suspected what was happening in a single house, where the lights were on and it was as if they were celebrating the New Year. Some of the acquaintances, not knowing about what had happened, sent congratulatory sms. And I was alone with God and there were only animals who sympathized with me.

And then one day instead of the phrase “Where are you, my love?!” I suddenly, in a frenzy, automatically began to shout: “You are strong, you can stand it !!!” And so several times. As if someone put this phrase in my mouth. And then, yelling, I realized that I could survive it. And she began to feel like a lonely warrior whose goal is to win. Against all odds.

Svetlana

If the feeling of guilt breaks the heart into pieces In all the languages ​​of the universe, so dissimilar, we are connected by one dialect - the one that sounds in our hearts as the voice of pain. When we lose loved ones...

Do not look for your guilt in the death of a loved one

One of the strongest feelings that can overwhelm a person after the death of a loved one is guilt. Many people feel remorse because they could not prevent death or were unfair to the deceased during his lifetime. It seems to them that if they turn back time, they would behave in a completely different way. Usually this is expressed in endless questions to oneself: “What if I had come to him earlier?”, “And if he had not flown on this plane?”, “If we had not quarreled, she would have stayed at home that day ... ".

This reaction to loss is quite natural. In the soul of a person, acceptance of what happened struggles with denial, which is why he comes up with endless options for the development of events that would not lead to a tragic outcome.

It is common for people to look for explanations for every event. But if we talk about death, then it is very difficult to predict it.

Sometimes people experience a feeling of guilt towards the deceased, although there is no guilt. For example, a husband, at the request of his wife, decided to replace a burnt out light bulb - and he was electrocuted. The wife feels guilty. But she couldn't have foreseen that a misfortune would happen! If a person thinks that everything depends only on his foresight, he takes on too much. This is not conscience, but pride, a sin that must be got rid of. People with adequate self-esteem understand that not everything in life obeys them.

However, the bereaved often perceives the situation inadequately and exaggerates the degree of his involvement in death. This is similar to the so-called "magical" thinking, which is very developed in children, and in adults it manifests itself in critical situations. Sometimes those experiencing the death of a loved one may believe that their bad attitude towards him (nitpicking, discontent, rudeness, etc.) provoked his illness and subsequent death. And if they still happen to hear from someone a reproach like “it was you who drove him to the grave,” then the severity of guilt increases.

Or a wife sometimes regretted in her heart that she had connected her life with her husband, and thought: “If only he disappeared somewhere!” And if suddenly the husband dies unexpectedly, the wife may think that it was her thoughts and desires that “materialized” and the fault in what happened lies on her conscience.

We all say bad words to each other, do bad things, make mistakes. But some try to correct them and understand that they are not omnipotent, while others think that everything that happens around them is caused solely by their behavior. These people suffer the most from guilt and do not understand that this is just the other side of their self-destructive egocentrism.

Test. Do you know how to console a person in grief? Sometimes, out of ignorance, our consolation can hurt very painfully. This is not taught in school, rarely taught in the family. We invite you to take a quiz that describes common situations where support is needed. The test is based on articles about grief and consolation published on our portal. Check how ready you are to turn your shoulder. Perhaps you will understand how to do it better, or you will recognize your mistakes.

Guilt can take many different forms. So, psychologists talk about the guilt of the survivor - the feeling that we should have been in the place of the deceased or do not have the right to life, since he is no longer with us. Many feel guilt associated with a sense of relief that a loved one has died, for example, if the departed was ill for a long time or suffered before death. However, in this case, a feeling of relief is a completely expected reaction.

There is also the so-called guilt of joy, which occurs long after the loss. It is connected with the fact that after the death of a loved one, happiness reappears in the life of his loved ones. For example, a widow who met and fell in love with another man may experience such guilt. In this case, it should be remembered that joy itself is a healthy experience, a sign that we are living a fulfilling life.

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It is believed that the degree of our love for the deceased is measured by the strength of our grief. Therefore, some people are seriously worried that the image of a dear person is gradually being erased from their memory. It seems to them that this indicates their indifference - and this, in turn, causes a feeling of guilt. But the degree of love and the strength of sorrow are not identical things at all.

The idealization of the deceased can also contribute to the increase and preservation of guilt: when one's own shortcomings seem terrible, and the bad traits of a loved one are ignored. The feeling of one's filth against the background of the "immaculate" image of the departed only exacerbates suffering. Often, those who mourn are looking for confirmation of their guilt in all kinds of signs, signs, and even in dreams. It seems that everything around reproaches us, reminds us of our guilt before the deceased. But try to analyze these signs as objectively as possible, and you will find an amazing pattern: the more attention we pay to them, the more they appear in our lives. Moreover, most often these are not some unusual things, but the most ordinary phenomena, to which for some reason we attach a new meaning. A person can see an ordinary dream (for example, how he talks with the dead), but he will give it a special meaning. Don't believe in omens! In a state of grief, a person easily succumbs to temptations. Remember this and try to keep a sober mind.

If you are unable to cope with guilt for a long time, you may need the help of a psychologist.

From the memoriam.ru forum:

I lost my mother quite recently. I always insisted on taking my parents to the dacha by car, but on that day for some reason I did not insist. Mom said that in such beautiful autumn weather it would be a sin not to take a walk from the train, and I gave up. I thought, let the parents take a walk, get some air in the forest. On the way to the dacha, my mother was hit by a car.

Of course, I blamed myself for not insisting, letting go of some, and then I read that blaming yourself after the death of a loved one is normal, almost everyone does this, while almost no one has real guilt.

In general, many things that seem very personal and completely unbearable in the face of loss (guilt, pain, anger, resentment, unwillingness to live on, indifference to oneself) are common to everyone or almost to everyone. And when you understand this, and at the same time you understand that all those who live nearby - they, most likely, have already faced grief at least once, and have gone through it, and live on - it becomes easier.

Irina

However, one should not write down any persistent feeling of guilt towards the deceased in the category of pathology. The fact is that guilt can be different: existential and neurotic. Neurotic guilt is imposed from the outside and then transferred by the person to the internal plane - we have given examples of such guilt above. Existential guilt is caused by real mistakes, when a person really did something “wrong” or, on the contrary, did not do something important for the deceased. Such guilt is absolutely normal and speaks of the moral maturity of a person. It is necessary to distinguish a fruitless feeling of guilt from the voice of conscience.

A healthy sense of guilt signals that we have violated our moral code, committed a misdemeanor, and now we must correct the situation. The latter is very important: if you do not go beyond the recognition of your “guilt”, you can get stuck at the stage of self-accusation, then a healthy feeling will turn into an evil, destructive force. The feeling of guilt must be transformed into creative activity.

The worst thing is when a person "gets stuck" in a state of self-flagellation, considering it a Christian virtue. In fact, there is no virtue here. The healthy self-reproach of a Christian differs from self-digging in that the first causes a desire to work on oneself, while the second plunges one into despondency and hopelessness.

The main difference between a normal feeling of guilt and a pathological state lies in moving forward. Having acknowledged his responsibility for what happened, a person should sincerely repent. If you want to atone for the deceased, change your life. Try to live at least a little as the gospel teaches. And the strongest support for the soul of the deceased is prayer. And, again, there is no point in constant self-reproach. We should try to regain the lost joy of life, and not fence ourselves off from it. Instead of tormenting yourself with accusations, it is better to honor the memory of a loved one in your heart and, having accepted what happened, live on.

Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh:

Some time ago a man of more than eighty years old came to me. He sought advice, because he could no longer endure the torment in which he had lived for sixty years. During the Civil War in Russia, he killed his girlfriend. They loved each other passionately and were about to get married, but during a shootout, she suddenly leaned out, and he accidentally shot her. And for sixty years he could not find peace. He not only cut off a life that was infinitely dear to him, he cut off a life that flourished and was infinitely dear to the girl he loved.

He told me that he prayed, asked for forgiveness from the Lord, went to confession, repented, received a prayer of permission and took communion — he did everything that his heart told him and those to whom he turned, but he never found peace.

Overwhelmed with ardent compassion and sympathy, I said to him: “You turned to Christ, whom you did not kill, to priests whom you did not harm. Why didn't you ever think to reach out to the girl you killed?" He was amazed: “Does not God give forgiveness? After all, only He alone can forgive the sins of people on earth.” Of course it is. But I told him that if the girl he killed forgives him, if she intercedes for him, then even God cannot pass by her forgiveness. There is a place in the Book of the Prophet Daniel, which says that Daniel offered up a prayer and God answered him that his prayer was in vain, because the old woman, offended by him, prays against him and her prayer nails to the ground, like a strong wind - smoke, his prayer without letting her go up.